Well, hello, friends.
Robin here at Dear Headspace Central.
And today I am joined with my other R, Rosie.
And we also have the lovely and talented Headspace coach, Nika, with us today.
Today we've got questions about what's a learning opportunity in a relationship versus what's a compatibility problem.
We also have a question about how to feel better when you're already doing all the healthy things you're supposed to do.
And we have one other question about accepting that having kids may not be in your future.
So big questions.
I think we should get right to it.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
All right, you two.
We got Rosie and Nika in the house.
I mean, I know that nobody says in the house anymore, but I said it anyway.
Slow down.
Slow down.
They do not.
Shop's fired.
We just started the podcast.
How are you, Rosie?
I'm great.
I'm just, you know, trying to Just navigate life as we all are, I think.
I mean, if people we almost need a blooper roll of us in the tech when we're starting, because it is just a mess.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, we finally got everything up and running.
And I think that we should just get right into our first caller today, which is Olivia.
And she is wondering about her relationship and if they're compatible.
OK, here is Olivia.
Hi, my name is Olivia, and I'm from the South.
Trying to keep it as anonymous as possible, but I have a question about my current relationship.
We do have a great connection and great chemistry, but I feel like the compatibility is off.
This is my first time being with in an interracial relationship.
So I'm.
I'm African American and he is white, and some insensitive comments and jokes have been made before, which we talked about, but also some boundaries that have been set have also been crossed.
And we've talked about these things many times.
They haven't really come up as much, but I do sense within myself that there is some resentment brewing.
So it's been hard for me to identify for myself what is a potential learning opportunity for the both of us and when is a wise time to walk away.
And I have had a very hard time asserting myself and saying no, which I've been working on.
So yeah, I guess the main question would be like how do I identify what is a good learning process within a relationship friendship whatever,
And when is a good time to just walk away?
But thank you all so much.
I've been really enjoying having this app and this outlet.
Oh, thank you for your question, Olivia.
It sounds like you're already, to me, learning, right?
Like you're asking these questions and you're identifying the situations, like you know, at the end, that whole section about you know, maybe not standing up for yourself enough.
So that's a learning.
But there's some concerning things in here, boundaries being crossed or resentment over boundaries.
None of that sounds amazing to me.
What do you all think?
I can so relate to what Olivia is saying.
I am also in an interracial relationship and have been for 20 plus years.
And there is a difference between somebody saying something insensitive and somebody having a learning moment.
You know, and I think that it sounds like olivia, you have already really great boundaries.
Um, she was using such keywords.
I'm curious what what nika thinks about this as well, but she was using some really great terminology because i i think that for me it's been an interesting experience right, because we have, you know, different cultures.
We come from i'm hispanic and he's white, and so there there are those things that are different.
A lot of the differences are also part of what brings us together that we can relate on.
But I really feel like establishing boundaries is really important.
And if somebody's crossing those boundaries, especially if you've set them and they do it in a disrespectful way, it's problematic, right?
Because My partner has.
If I've ever set a boundary or expressed that something bothered me, or the way that something was said bothered me, or the way in which they identified some specific thing bothered me,
Yeah.
And I voice it and he continues to do it.
We have a problem.
Right.
So I think it's more a matter of respect at that point.
I think that there are many challenges that being in an interracial relationship can can.
There's many things that can come up.
There's many challenges that come up.
But I really have found that having really strong boundaries, having a good strong, positive racial identity within yourself, is really helpful where you can, you know, feel supported in your cultural upbringing and your identity by your partner.
And you know you can have that sort of mutual respect and also having the opportunity to have tough conversations is really important because it can be really uncomfortable sometimes to broach these topics without making the other person feel like they're inadequate or inferior or, you know, being racist or being uneducated or whatever it might be.
So I think that there are ways to have those communications.
It's really important to set guardrails for those conversations as well.
But I also feel like when you're in a relationship and you really love somebody, you're already coming at it from a place of wanting to respect who they are and wanting to understand them and support them.
When you have somebody come in that's not respecting those boundaries and is not coming in with that openness, it's going to be really hard to establish a deep connection with that person.
Yeah.
And you know, it's interesting around what you're saying at the end there.
I couldn't get from Olivia's question if, when she talked about the things that he said, that were like insensitive or like whatever, if there was continuations.
Because I think that's a really important distinction.
If you give the note and if he makes a change.
That's a completely different conversation than if you give the note and he continues to hurt you.
So I think that's an important thing for Olivia to be looking at.
For sure.
Just again, I think the boundaries are really important.
Olivia talked a lot about being assertive and she's practicing that.
And I think a part of setting boundaries is to be assertive.
It's hard to have difficult conversations and relationships.
I don't care who's in it.
I don't care what the race, gender.
It's just it's hard.
It's hard.
And I think back to your point, respect is so key here.
Yeah.
Right.
Can we respect one another? and our differences, because we're all coming with something, right?
We're coming with that thing.
And if I let you know like this makes me feel uncomfortable, you get to see how someone responds to that.
Right.
Yeah.
We don't know.
Like, as Robin said, we don't know if it's a continuation, but whatever it is, it has made Olivia uncomfortable enough.
Yes.
That she's calling us.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Right.
And so it could be different things.
But whatever that is, there's something for her to stand up in.
Right.
And to and to look at and say, you know what, let me look at what my boundaries are.
What are my non-negotiables here?
You know, what is it that like this just isn't going to work for me?
And then what can I work with?
And so she talks about learning and all of those things like she is right learning.
She is she's doing some work.
And again, even bringing this question of like, I really like this person.
You know, there's we have a lot of fun.
I like them.
But. how compatible are we?
And we can't make someone be something that they aren't, right?
But we can bring to them how we feel.
And that response to how I feel will tell you a lot about who this person is and can I cohabitate, operate in this relationship, knowing this information?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I so agree with that, Nika.
I think in my experience too, it's It's not necessarily been my partner.
It's been.
Perhaps people he's surrounded by, you know, people that he may share the same blood with, that can sometimes pose those situations that create that discomfort, or that might be this sort of generalized reference that is uncomfortable for someone like for me in my experience,
And then when I would address it to him, he would understand it.
You know, and I think that that really helped that he wasn't there, wasn't a like defensive mechanism within him.
It was he was open enough to hear why something bothered me.
And I was really good at articulating when this was said in front of you.
This is how it made me feel.
And it bothered me that you didn't that it bothered me.
Yeah, I think that that's what bothered me the most, right?
That's different from him specifically saying something that was triggering for me or that that affected me in some way.
And, you know, I think it's important to be able to understand that as well.
And not in a way of like, well, I'm This isn't actually him.
It's like we are a representation of everyone we're around.
Right.
So it's like I think it's really important to be able to address that, too.
You know, if something just Tanika to your point when you're talking about the feelings and being able to express yourself.
I think it's really important for us to be able to express ourselves without feeling like we're being I'm going to do air quotes too sensitive.
Yeah.
Right.
Because that happens sometimes, too.
Yeah.
And if Olivia was here, I think I would also be like, what's your gut on this?
Like, what's your gut instinct?
Because I think that all my relationships, before the one that is my, my forever relationship, you know, unless Mary tries to escape.
But, you know, we've got a pretty well locked down here.
So I don't think that's happening anytime soon.
But there was always something wrong.
And I was always trying to jam a square peg into a round hole.
And I knew it inside myself.
And I and when I when I found for myself when I was doing a lot of but but they're very nice.
But we have this.
But, you know, it's like and as soon as I'm in the butts, it's not right.
It's just it's not right.
And I think I would want you to ask yourself some hard questions Olivia, and just be really open with yourself.
You don't have to tell anybody what what you answer it.
But it's I believe that more often than not, we have the answer inside.
Yeah.
Well, thank you so much for your question, Olivia.
We were sending you vibes and it's listen, whichever direction you go in, it's all going to be OK.
That's what I know.
It's like you trust in yourself and and everything will be all right.
Okay.
All right.
Let's move on to our next question from Rebecca.
Hi, my name is Rebecca from Sweden.
I'm 31 years old, turning 32 this year.
My question is, how do I accept that I might not have kids?
I have been single for most of my life.
I've had a couple of shorter relationships, but afraid that my biological clock is running out and I'm trying to accept that it may never happen for me since I am a certain age.
And yeah, how do I, what can I do to accept this, that it might not happen for me when it's been a dream of mine for so long?
Oh, thanks for this question, Rebecca.
There's two things here Do you want to have a child?
And then processing right?
And if you want to, there's still lots and lots of options.
I mean, I hosted another podcast about LGBTQ fertility and like talk about folks having to go through it to figure out how to create their families.
So there's a million and one ways, you know, like many companies have egg freezing programs.
Like there's lots that can be done if you really and truly want to be a parent.
And, you know, even fostering to adopt or adoption or like there's lots of different ways to parent.
So if I just have to say right out of the gate, don't give up, Rebecca, if this is what you want.
But I think you have to really maybe spend some time finding out if it is what you want.
Yeah, no, I completely.
Yeah.
So I so agree with that, Rebecca.
I agree, hear you and i.
I hear the fear that you're talking about and i hear the the sadness too, and i i just want you to know that we see you and we hear you and and it is valid, right and it it's like we can look at you, know somebody at that age, and be like oh, you're still so young, like you've got so much time and there's so much time.
There's so many different ways, but but i do want to validate your feelings at this time, because it can be really really hard to have that, that fear, right.
It's a fear, right?
Yeah.
Really, I think one of the greatest journeys that that I went on myself, having had that same experience, was just inquiring what it meant to be apparent, what it meant to be a mother and what the desire in that was for me.
It's like, what does being a mother mean to you?
And what is it ultimately that you want to create for yourself, what you want your family to look like?
And, as Robin said, there are many, many different ways of having a family and Unless you've been through, you know, the process of testing and going to doctors and checking your fertility and all the different things, then I would say, remain hopeful.
Yeah.
Even when you go through all that process still and say you know, worst case scenario, there still are many, many options, which I believe is to Robin's point, you know.
So I think it's really important to really meet yourself where you are and to support yourself where you are and to also really begin use this as an opportunity to inquire what that means to you.
I love that.
I love that.
I think too and you know self-disclosure here like I am biologically at this age of my life, right?
Then a pause is, ticked all the way down pretty much.
And so I've not, I don't have children.
I've never, you know, had children.
Right.
And so that was something I wanted.
But when I really started thinking about what I really wanted was family.
Right.
But then as I drilled down a little bit more, then it became about identity and how I was identifying myself.
It became this, this you know just kind of conversation with myself of am I still a worthy person individual, in this world, without this family, without this child?
And do I still bring value to the world without that?
And once I answered the question, you know and it took me a minute to get there, because that's what I wanted for a long time
And once I realized, you I'm going to live my life.
I still have so much more to do.
It's so much more life to live.
It's so much more to explore.
And for Rebecca, thinking about what is this really about?
Is this about my identity?
Is it about what other people are saying, what others are doing?
Or is this about me?
So I would spend the time just answering some of those questions, thinking about.
You know what is this about.
Who am I without this thing?
Who am I?
Am I with this?
You know, and now, like realizing that I'm still a whole person.
You know, I still bring value to the world.
I still help and support all of my friends and family members and, you know, other folks.
And so you can still have, you know, your family, your kids, all of the things, and still feel whole at the same time.
So.
Yeah, I love that so much, Nika.
And I can also relate to that same bus.
And it really does give me solace even now to hear that.
I think it's so important to have that support or to hear other stories where you're like okay yeah, I'm not the only one who has gone through that process.
But I really love what you said about that identity piece.
Like, who am I then?
I grappled a lot with what's wrong with me?
Am I?
Why am I?
What did I do?
What did I do?
Right?
Like, what did I do wrong?
You know, it's different for for different people.
But I I found that in my experience, as I'm still going through the process it feels really good to be able to meet that moment, right to meet that moment.
And that's the one thing anytime I've encountered any type of big life altering moment.
You know, it's like when you think or you feel like I have so much fear.
You know, I have so much fear and I don't know what's going to happen.
I have so much uncertainty.
I have to remind myself that I've met every moment up until now and I'll continue to meet each moment from here on out.
Right.
So thank you for sharing that.
Well, these are amazing questions that you're saying that she should ask herself.
And I think that's really true.
And for me, I just want to say this, and I hope this is hopeful.
I had my first kid at 38 and my second at 40.
So you never know what the universe is going to show up for you, if that does end up being what you want.
And there's a path.
There's a path.
And I do have to say one other thing, Rebecca.
Rumor has it that Headspace is working on a fertility collection of videos and other types of content that may be an app soon.
So just keep an eye out for that.
Okay, we will be right back.
All right, we've got one more question from Gabriel.
Here we go.
Hey, my name is Gabriel.
I'm from Jersey.
I'm living in St.
Petersburg, Florida.
I feel like I'm doing all the right things.
I'm at the gym every day.
I'm bike riding, boxing.
I meditate.
I'm doing red light therapy, drinking a gallon of water, eating the right foods, going to bed early.
And I still feel totally unsettled, uneasy and unfulfilled.
I resisted getting a traditional nine to five for six years after I graduated college.
And in addition to that, I was traveling a lot and living a very nomadic lifestyle, and constantly between cities and Airbnbs.
And a long story short, all those things have recently ground to a halt.
I got a 40-hour workweek job for the first time in my entire life two months ago.
I signed a 12-month lease before the start of this year and things have really settled down.
But it's starting to feel like life is just bills and rent and figuring out what to defrost for dinner for the next day.
I feel like I'm doing all the right things and it's not getting me what I want.
I'm constantly lost in nostalgia for the debauchery and camaraderie and exhilaration I used to feel years ago, even though I know for a fact that I'm really just looking back on those times, with rose tinted glasses and the reality was a lot more complicated.
I'm also really envious of other people who are just okay in their lives.
Everyone who's just going out on a Friday night, people who are just content like they don't have the world on their shoulders.
Whereas I'm counting every penny, feeling like I have so much to prove and just totally terrified that life is passing me by while I'm waiting on a paycheck.
I feel so stuck and I just don't want to feel restless anymore.
Any advice would help.
Oh, Gabriel, you are in it right now.
I mean, you're at a big, big transition point.
You had this very nomadic lifestyle and now, all of a sudden, you're working for the man when your paycheck, and That's a big transition.
That's a lot to get used to.
So, I mean, we have to start there.
We definitely have to start there.
I think that it sounds like you had everything mapped out.
Right.
Like I'm not working for the man.
I'm not like nomading all of the things like, yes, I want to live that life like now.
Right.
But I think you know when you make a transition right, any change, there has to be some acceptance of it, right?
Of where you're, where you are, where you're going to be.
And I get it.
Being an adult sometimes ain't fun.
You know what I mean?
Like the bills and all of the things.
And we were all nodding during the, and I'm just having to defrost something.
We're like, yup.
Exactly.
Exactly.
And I think that just that perspective.
And again you talked about looking back at your life with rose tinted glasses and I'm sure during those times you thought, like man, I wish things were a little bit different.
It would have been nice to, you know, be a little bit more comfortable.
But I think every transition in life has its point where that we need that thing, like it's exciting or it solves the problem right.
And so this is a different one.
And if you find yourself always fighting that it can be hard to get through that season, right through that transition.
And it sounds like right now you're kind of reeling against what your life is and looking at everybody else's life who you think is grand and great.
It's not.
No.
We're out here defrosting stuff too.
They're defrosting too, right?
And as they say, comparison is the thief of joy, right?
So we're comparing ourselves to a life that we don't really know.
They're out on Friday nights, smoking hookah, drinking, whatever, doing whatever they want to do.
But we don't know why they're doing that or what else is going on in their life.
So it's really when I think about again my own transitions, like getting settled, like in that transition like OK, this is where I am.
This is what's happening.
Now, how am I going to respond?
Yeah.
So that I can enjoy this moment.
Right.
Enjoy where I am.
Like, what are the things I can find to enjoy this time?
And you'll be surprised what you can find.
I mean, you know, it's not fun living paycheck to paycheck.
It's not.
I've been there, done that.
It's not.
But then there are times where I found those you know, pockets of joy and, like man, that was a good time.
That was fun.
So finding that and that transition, because eventually this is going to end too and you'll be in a different season.
Well, it's interesting that you're saying that, because it's It's also possible, like maybe you overshot it a little bit, like maybe you wildly overcorrected in the other direction.
Like it could also be a time to ask some hard questions of like is this really what I want for myself?
You know, in this question I hear also a lot about.
We went through a global pandemic and a lot of our lives shifted and changed and became like I just went on vacation.
And while I was away, I had this realization of like my life has gotten really small.
I live in this apartment.
I work in this apartment.
I take this walk and I do this.
And I was like, how do I add back in things that were part of my life before?
So like, did you go too far?
Could you come back to the middle?
Or are there aspects of your life that you could bring into your current day so that you know, because it's like sometimes it's like if the setup's not right, all the meditating and the And the whatever in the world is, you're still going to be like, oh hum, at the end.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like a fruitless effort.
Yeah, no, I totally agree with what you're both saying.
And the only I can relate it to.
There was there was a moment in my career life, actually that same year, where I told you all that I watched Mad Men, all five seasons of Mad Men in like two days or something.
I was traveling a lot for work and it was my, my dream.
That's all I wanted.
I wanted to be traveling and you know teaching and doing.
You know all of the the things that people that I followed were doing.
And, you know, I was in Bali and then I'd fly back to San Diego.
And then from San Diego I went to Scotland, and then from Scotland I came back to LA and then I went to, you know, Oregon.
It was just kind of like a constant.
Yeah.
And, and in the moment, you know, I felt like I was doing everything that I wanted to be doing.
And then the minute that it stopped, I was tired.
I stopped and then I completely overcorrected in the other way.
Then it was like, I don't want to ever leave my house.
I don't want to do anything.
But then I got really down.
You know, I my, and obviously you're kind of transitioning from that super hyperactive state of constant motion, kind of like what Gabriel was saying about.
You know, I'm doing the red light therapy and I'm doing, you know, all of the and I'm working out and I'm, you know, doing all of the things, drinking the gallon of water and you know all of the things he said he's doing.
And then you go straight into.
Now I'm working a nine to five and I've got this routine and I'm defrosting food.
And it's like I went from hyper active to now I'm in this, you know, factory of just mundane.
Yeah.
And so I think that there's, yeah, it's the over course correction in the other direction.
I really love what you're saying Robin, about perhaps like incorporating a little bit of what you were doing before into what you're doing now.
But that deep sense of dissatisfaction from what I'm hearing is really interesting.
And that's more of a symptom of, dissatisfaction with with what I would call like primary food.
Right.
So when I went to nutrition school, we would always talk about primary food and secondary food.
So primary food is the things that really nourish us.
Right.
Relationships hobbies, our spirituality, our cooking, spending time, you know, doing the things that that feed us.
Right.
That really nourish our our being.
And secondary is like the foods you eat.
Eat fruits, vegetables, eat well, get enough sleep, that kind of thing.
And it sounds like anytime I've heard people talk about this feeling of dissatisfaction.
My question is always it's like the three, Ms right.
Meaningful relationships, meaningful work and movement.
For me, in my experience, what I find when I have all three, I feel really satisfied, right?
Because I have meaningful relationships.
I'm keeping in touch with my friends, even though I'm not seeing them every day.
I'm voice noting them or I'm sending a text.
I'm checking in.
There's a dialogue or I have, you know, a romantic relationship.
So I try to stay in connection with my partner.
Meaningful work, like I'm doing something that I feel deeply committed to, there's a bigger mission.
It's like I'm not thinking about the day to day, the task list that you know it's going to keep piling on.
I'm thinking, what is the big intention behind my work?
How is this impacting the greater good?
And then movement, obviously, always movement is always the key to anytime you feel stuck.
It's like if I'm feeling stuck and I find that for the last seven days you know I saw this meme on Instagram that was like I'm feeling down.
And then it's like the same person, the other POV.
Did you get up today?
No.
Did you walk today?
No.
Did you drink any water today?
No.
Did you call a friend?
No.
Did you stop scrolling?
No.
And it's like you know all the things I'm like, I'm feeling really dissatisfied or I'm feeling really stuck.
And it's like, I've not left my house in seven days.
So I think Yeah, so I think that those are really great cues to look for really great ways, using the 3M sort of management tool to assess where you're at, to give you an idea of okay, maybe I need to do a little bit more of this to really address that unsatisfied feeling.
Yeah, because it sounds a little bit like Gabriel may be, And I'm just saying maybe because.
But I recognize this in this question because it's very much me.
But like a to do lister, like I want to I want to fix this.
And so I'm going to do this.
I'm going to then do this.
And I'm doing red light therapy and I'm working out and I'm doing this versus maybe looking at it in a very meaningful way and saying what does my body need today?
What does my mind need today?
What do I?
You know, what's the thing like is maybe me cutting out of work for half the day and going to the movie and not telling my boss?
Is that going to bring me joy?
Might.
You know the idea of looking at what you're doing from, like just a different perspective and maybe with a little less pressure on it.
Like I'm all for making that list and doing all the things.
But I know that if I'm listing to check things off because I think it's supposed to help me, versus like coming at it differently, it just doesn't have the effect I want it to have.
Well, Gabriel, I mean, the one thing I can say is that you will come through this.
You know, these these things come and these things go.
I feel like I was all winter bluesy, and then the sun started coming out and I was like geez.
I feel better.
And it's like, and I forget, every spring and then every spring, the sun comes out and it, you know, the sun always comes back up.
So we're with you and we hope that this gets better and you find a little bit of your old self in your current self, or maybe a new self.
I don't know.
I'm giving you a lot of personalities.
All right.
I mean, these are just, these were really big questions today, y'all.
I mean, it's just kind of like I'm always amazed at.
Sometimes the answer is just as simple as be kind to yourself and slow down a little bit.
I mean, it's interesting.
Yeah, I think listening to everybody's questions today made me remember how important it is to appreciate where we are in this moment.
And there's actually a really great course on the app.
It's called the Appreciation Course, and you can choose the teacher to do it with.
And I really find it to be helpful anytime I'm having, you know, any type of struggle or I'm feeling like I just need a little appreciation in my life.
Well, I appreciate you both.
So how's that?
We'll start there.
And I want to say thank you to our callers today.
I appreciate you as well.
Olivia, Rebecca and Gabriel, thank you for trusting us and for sharing with us.
And if you're out there and you're listening and you're feeling inspired or you just want a little bit of help, don't be shy.
I say.
Just reach out to us and record your question.
It's so easy.
You just have to go to sayhi.chat slash Dear Headspace and you're going to follow the prompts.
And of course, that link is in the show notes.
And if we use your question on Dear Headspace, you're going to get three months of Headspace for free.
Pretty great deal.
What a deal indeed, Robin.
Okay, it's my turn to offer something to you.
We've built in some time for you to take a moment to sit with everything you just heard here.
It's also a bit of space to reflect or reset before you head off to work or out with your friends.
So here are some soothing sounds of a river running under a bridge in Oregon.
As you listen, let your mind wander and do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy.
Stay healthy and be kind to each other.
Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer and Sarah Cohen and produced by Taylor Jennings Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Rosie Acosta Keisunga Giscombe, Dora Kamau and Eve Lewis Prieto.
Post-production by Dan Kroll.
Music by Scott Sorensen and Chris Murguia.
It was developed by Ash Jones, Scott Sorenson, Robin Hopkins, and Barron Farmar.
And a special thanks to Danny Karisamy and Colleen Lutz.
