Oh no.
What?
That's Penny's ex-boyfriend.
What do you suppose he's doing here?
Besides disrupting the local gravity field.
If he were any bigger, he'd have moons orbiting him.
Oh, snap.
So I guess we'll be leaving now.
Why should we leave?
For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn't even want him here.
You have a backup hypothesis?
Maybe they just want to be friends.
Or maybe she wants to be friends and he wants something more.
Then he and I are on equal ground.
Yes, but you're much closer to it than he is.
Look, if this was 15000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled as choice of female partners.
Male partners, animal partners, large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy.
Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift.
And the information aid, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males.
We shouldn't have to back down.
True.
Why don't you text him that and see if he backs down?
No.
I'm going to assert my dominance face to face.
Face to face?
Are you gonna wait for him to sit down, or are you gonna stand on the coffee table?
Hello, Penny.
Hello, Kurt.
Oh, hey, guys.
You having a good time?
Huh?
Given the reaction to my costume.
This party is a scathing indictment of the American education system.
Oh, you're a zebra, right?
You have another child left behind.
What are you supposed to be, an elf?
No, I'm a hobbit.
What's the difference?
A hobbit is a mortal halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an elf is an immortal tall warrior.
So why the hell would you want to be a hobbit?
Because he's neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be the Flash.
Well, whatever.
Why don't you go hop off on a quest?
Talking to Penny here.
I think we're all talking to Penny here.
I'm not, no offense.
Okay, maybe he didn't hear me.
Go away.
All right, Kurt, be nice.
Oh, I am being nice.
Right, little buddy?
Kurt?
Okay.
I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me.
I mean you can't compete with me on an intellectual level, and so you're driven to animalistic puffery.
Calling me a puffy animal?
Of course not.
No, he's not.
You're not, right, Leonard?
No, I said animalistic.
I mean, of course we're all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.
If he understands that, you're in trouble.
So what?
I'm unevolved?
You're in trouble.
I know you use a lot of big words for such a little dwarf.
Okay, Kirk, please.
Penny, it's okay.
I can handle this.
I am not a dwarf.
I'm a hobbit.
A hobbit!
Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus, preventing the conversion from short-term to long-term memory.
Okay, now you're starting to make me mad.
A homo habilis discovering his opposable thumb says what?
What?
I think I've made my point.
Yeah?
How about I make a point out of your pointy little head?
Let me remind you while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless.
There's not going to be a confrontation.
In fact, I doubt if he can even spell confrontation.
C-O-N.
Confrontation!
Kurt, put him down this instant!
He started it!
I don't care, I'm finishing it, put him down!
Fine.
Hey Penny, come on in.
Hey guys.
See ya Penny, pick her up, then all the day you'll have good luck.
No you won't.
Can I hide out here for a while?
Sure.
What's going on?
Well, there's this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christy.
Anyway, she called me up, and she's like, hey, how's California?
And I'm like, awesome, because, you know, it's not Nebraska.
And the next thing I know, she's invited herself out here to stay with me.
808.
Anyway, she got here today and she's just been in my apartment yakkity, yakking about every guy she slept with in Omaha which is basically every guy in Omaha and washing the sluttiest collection of underwear you have ever seen in my bathroom sink.
Well, is she doing it one thong at a time or does she throw it all in?
Like some sort of erotic booyah bays.
He really needs to dial it down.
So if you don't like this Christy, why are you letting her stay?
Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she's kind of family.
Yeah, I apologize for my earlier outburst.
Who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the Whore of Omaha?
No, I don't think she's a whore.
No, yeah, she's definitely a whore.
I mean, she has absolutely no standards.
There's one time she was at... Where's Howard?
Bonjour, mademoiselle.
I understand you're new in town.
Oh, good grief.
I'm sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
We can't order Chinese food without Wolowitz?
Let me walk you through it.
Our standard order is the steamed dumpling appetizer, General Tso's chicken beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo mein.
Do you see the problem?
I see a problem.
Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided amongst four people.
So we'll just order three entrees.
Fine, what do you want to eliminate?
And who gets the extra dumpling?
We could cut it into thirds.
Then it's no longer a dumpling.
Once you cut it open, it is at best a very small open-faced sandwich.
Oh, hi, fellas.
Oh, where's your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?
He's putting his needs ahead of the collective good.
Where he comes from, that's punishable by death.
I come from Sacramento.
Can we get an order of dumplings, but with three instead of four?
No substitutions.
This isn't a substitution.
It's a reduction.
Okay, no reductions.
Fine.
Bring us three orders of dumplings.
That's 12.
We'll each have four.
That works.
No, if we fill up on dumplings, we need to eliminate another entree.
No eliminations.
If we have extra, we'll just take the leftovers home.
And divide it how?
I'm telling you, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend.
If you had let me invite Penny, then you would have had your fourth.
Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food?
She uses a fork and she double dips her egg rolls.
We don't order egg rolls.
Exactly, but we'd have to if she was here.
Can you please make a decision?
Not only are the children starving in India, there's an Indian starving right here.
Here's an idea.
Why don't we just go out for Indian food?
Oh, ugh.
You are nice boys.
Tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to bring you the four dumplings.
When I'm walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped.
One of the dumplings fall to the floor.
No one has to know.
I'll know.
How about soup?
Yeah, we can always divide soup.
What about the wontons?
Just saying, you can take the damn plastic off the couch once in a while.
Why?
So you and Howard can hump on it?
Ladies, ladies, I'm sure there's a middle ground.
Shut up, Howard!
You guys talk.
I'm going to take my scooter out for a little spin.
You happy you drove your own son out of the house?
Why don't you stop fighting him?
You don't belong.
What are you guys doing here?
It's Halo night.
He's not a man, he's a putz.
And don't you take that tone with me, you gold digger.
What did you call me?
You heard me.
And I'll tell you something else.
You're barking up the wrong tree.
Because as long as you're around, Howard is out of the world.
You know what?
I got better offers.
I'm out of here.
That's right.
Go back to babble on, you whore.
So halo night, huh?
Okay, here you go, Leonard.
One tequila sunrise.
Thank you.
You know, this drink is a wonderful example of how liquids with different specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container.
Thank you.
Okay, Raj, what'll it be?
Whatever you recommend.
Uh, how about a grasshopper?
I make a mean grasshopper.
Okay?
Good.
Coming up.
Sheldon, what are you gonna have?
I'll have a Diet Coke.
Okay, can you please order a cocktail?
I need to practice mixing drinks.
Fine.
I'll have a Virgin Cuba Libre.
That's rum and coke without the rum.
Yes.
So, coke.
Yes.
And would you make it diet?
There's a can in the fridge.
Cuba Libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Then swim to Cuba.
Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.
Okay.
Raj, here you go.
All right, who's next?
I'd like to try a slippery nipple.
OK, you're cut off.
Anybody need a refill?
Where did my life go, Penny?
One day I'm a carefree bachelor and the next I'm married and driving a minivan to peewee cricket matches in suburban New Delhi.
Are you talking to me?
Is there another Penny here?
I had such plans.
I had dreams.
I was going to be the Indira Gandhi of particle astrophysics.
But with a penis, of course.
It's amazing.
Ever since I was a little boy, my father wanted me to be a gynecologist like him.
How can I be a gynecologist?
I can barely look a woman in the eye.
You know what?
I'm not going to let my parents control my future any longer.
It's time for a showdown.
Somebody give me a computer with a webcam.
Okay.
Sweetie, I think that's the grasshopper talking.
And it's about to tell my parents that I'm not riding an elephant down the aisle with Lalita Gupta.
Calm down.
No one can make you get married.
Why don't you just meet this girl and see what happens?
Haven't you been listening to me?
I cannot talk to women.
Um, Raj?
No, no, let's see how long it takes him.
Raj, Penny, you say you can't talk to women, but you've been talking to me.
And now we'll never know.
I am talking to you.
Hello, Penny, how are you?
I'm fine.
Okay, now I just need to make sure I have a lolita before I meet the grasshopper.
It's a sweet green miracle.
Okay, if you're gonna drink on this date, just promise me you won't overdo it.
Overdo what?
Happiness?
Freedom?
This warm glow inside of me that promises everything's going to be all hunky-dunky?
Yeah, that.
Why don't you bring her to my restaurant while I'm tending the bar so I can keep an eye on you?
Okay.
Wait a minute, what's the plan here?
Let's say he meets her, he likes her, they get married.
What's he gonna do, stay drunk for the rest of his life?
Work for my parents.
Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?
Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter.
But Occam's razor would suggest that someone threw it out from the Institute for Experimental Physics.
They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates.
I know.
I read it before I threw it out.
If I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out?
Because I have no interest in standing in the rose room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgmental strangers who wouldn't recognize true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech.
Which if I were there, it would be.
I don't know, Sheldon, those topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates parties are legendary.
Forget the parties?
Forget the parties?
What a nerd.
Are there any other honors I've gotten that I don't know about?
Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.
The only thing missing from that insult was your mama.
I got one.
Hey, Leonard, your mama's research methodology is so flawed.
Shut up, Howard.
Sheldon, we have to do this.
No, we don't.
We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying.
Everything else is optional.
Okay, let me put it this way.
I'm doing it.
You can't.
I'm the lead author.
Come on, the only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone.
You're welcome.
Excuse me, I designed the experiment to prove the hypothesis.
It doesn't need proving.
So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
They're not supposed to, but they should.
All right, I don't care what you say.
I'm going to the conference and I'm presenting our findings.
And I forbid it.
You forbid it?
If I'm not taking credit for our work, then nobody is.
So you admit that it's our work?
No, once again, I'm throwing you a bone.
And once again, you are welcome.
Oh, no, he didn't.
Two-inch dowels.
Check.
One package Phillips head screws.
Check.
You guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay?
I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like 12.
I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media center.
Oh, please, we insist.
It's the least we can do, considering.
Considering what?
How great this place looks?
Oh boy, I was afraid of this.
What?
These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components.
This right here is why Sweden has no space program.
Well, it looks pretty good in the store.
It is an inefficient design.
For example, Penny has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted.
We could put her stereo back there. and control it how?
Run an infrared repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy.
Good point.
How are you going to cool it?
Hey, guys, I got this.
Hang on, Kenny.
How about fans here and here?
Also inefficient and might be loud.
How about liquid cool?
Maybe a little aquarium pump here.
Run some quarter-inch PVC.
Guys, this is actually really simple.
Hold on, honey.
Men at work.
The PVC comes down here.
Maybe a little corrugated sheet metal is a radiator here.
Really?
Show me where we put a drip tray, a solution, and overflow reservoir.
Hey, if water's involved, we're going to have to ground the crap out of the thing.
Guys, it's hot in here.
I think I'll just take off all my clothes.
I've got it.
What about if we replace pedals A, B, and F and crossbar H with aircraft grade aluminum?
Right, then the entire thing's one big heat sink.
Perfect.
Leonard, why don't you and Sheldon go down to the junkyard and pick up about six square meters of scrap aluminum?
Raj and I will run down to my lab and get the oxyacetylene torch.
Meet back here in an hour?
Done.
Got it.
Okay, this place does look pretty good.
I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement to Penny's quality of life.
You know what?
You convinced me.
Maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
You don't think that crosses a line?
Yes.
For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?
You have a sarcasm sign?
No, I do not have a sarcasm center.
You came into my apartment last night while I was sleeping?
Yes, but only to clean.
I was sleeping.
And snoring.
And that's probably just a sinus infection.
But it could be sleep apnea.
You might want to see an otolaryngologist.
The throat doctor.
And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
Depending on the depth, that's either a proctologist or a general surgeon.
Okay.
Her apartment's on the fourth floor, but the elevator's broken, so you're gonna have to.
Oh, you're just gonna be done.
Okay, cool.
Thanks.
I guess we'll just bring it up ourselves.
I hardly think so.
Why not?
Well, we don't have a dolly or lifting belts or any measurable upper body strength.
We don't need strength.
We're physicists.
We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes.
Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the earth.
It's just a matter of... I don't have this.
I don't have this!
I do not have this!
Archimedes would be so proud.
Do you have any ideas?
Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring.
Easy.
Easy.
Okay.
Now we've got an inclined plane.
The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs.
Call it 30 degrees, so about half.
Exactly half.
Exactly, yeah.
Let's push.
Okay.
See, a smooth dance is easy.
All the math.
What's your formula for the corner?
What?
Oh, okay.
Okay, yeah, no problem.
Just come up here and help me pull and turn.
Ah, Gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.
You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman.
Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Yeah, those would be men who just had sex.
I'm doing this to be a good neighbor.
In any case, there's no way it could lower the odds.
Almost there.
Almost there.
Almost there.
No, we're not.
No, we're not.
Watch your fingers, watch your fingers.
I've got my fingers.
So are the rest of the guys meeting this year?
Oh yeah, no.
It turns out that Raj and Howard had to work and Sheldon had a colonoscopy and he hasn't quite bounced back yet.
My uncle just had a colonoscopy.
You're kidding.
Well, then that's something we have in common.
How?
We both have people in our lives who want to nip intestinal polyps in the butt.
So what's new in the world of physics?
Nothing.
Really?
Nothing?
Well, with the exception of string theory, not much has happened since the 1930s.
And you can't prove string theory.
At best, you can say, hey, look, my idea has an internal logical consistency.
Hey, do you want to see something cool?
I can make this olive go into this glass without touching it.
How?
Physics.
Wow, centrifugal force.
Actually, it's centripetal force, which is an inward force generated by the glass acting on the olive.
Excuse me.
Now, if you were riding on the olive, you'd be in a non-inertial reference frame and would, Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Did you spill ketchup?
No.
I'm not okay.
How come you didn't go into work today?
I'm taking a sabbatical because I won't kowtow to mediocre minds.
So you got canned, huh?
Theoretical physicists do not get canned.
But yeah.
Maybe it's all for the best.
You know, I always say when one door closes, another one opens.
No, it doesn't.
Not unless the two doors are connected by relays or there are motion sensors involved.
No no, I meant.
Or if the first door closing creates a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.
Never mind.
Slow down.
Slow down.
Slow down.
We're fine.
You're not leaving yourself enough space between cars.
Oh, sure I am.
No, no.
Let me do the math for you.
This car weighs, let's say, 4,000 pounds.
Now add 140 for me, 120 for you.
120?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I insult you?
Is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth?
Well, yeah.
Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let's say, 4,400 pounds.
Let's say 4,390 pounds.
Fine.
We're traveling forward at good lord 51 miles an hour.
Now let's assume that your brakes are new and the calipers are aligned.
Still, by the time we come to a stop, we'll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us.
An impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation and, oh look, they built a new putt-putt course.
This is great.
Look at me.
I'm in the real world of ordinary people just living their ordinary, colorless, workaday lives.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
And thank you, ordinary person.
Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes?
Uh, no, no, not really.
Listen, didn't you say you needed some eggs?
Yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.
Oh, okay, well maybe you should start heading on out then.
No, this is fun.
Oh, the thing about tomatoes and I think you'll really enjoy this is they're shelved with the vegetables but they're technically a fruit.
Oh, interesting.
Isn't it?
No, I mean what you find enjoyable.
Oh, boy.
What now?
Well, there's some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much.
What you're buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine.
Well, maybe that's what I was going for.
Well, then you'll want some manganese.
That was fun.
Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores.
Oh, I don't know, Sheldon.
It's going to take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today.
Are you sure?
There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk.
For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month's supply at a time.
What?
What?
Think about it.
It's a product that doesn't spoil, and you're going to be needing them for at least the next 30 years.
You want me to buy 30 years worth of tampons?
Well, 30, 35.
When did your mother go into menopause?
Okay.
Big boy.
Someone touched my board.
Oh God, my board.
Leonard!
Leonard!
Hey, what's the matter?
My equations.
Someone's tampered with my equations.
Are you sure?
Of course I'm sure.
Look at the beta function of quantum chromodynamics.
The sign's been changed.
Oh, yeah.
But doesn't that fix the problem you've been having?
Are you insane?
Are you out of your mind?
Hey, look, that fixes the problem I've been having.
You're welcome.
You did this?
Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it.
Now you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies.
Pretty cool, huh?
Cool?
Listen, I gotta get to the lab.
Thanks for a great night.
Thank you.
I'll see you at work.
Hold on, hold on.
What?
Who told you you could touch my board?
No one.
Hey, I don't come into your house and touch your board.
There are no incorrect equations on my board.
Oh, that is so, so...
I'm sorry, I gotta run.
If you come up with an adjective, text me.
Inconsiderate.
That is the adjective.
All right, I'm moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of orcs from Lord of the Rings.
We flank the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
Not so fast.
Remember, the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.
No, no, no, no.
Orcs are magic.
Superman is vulnerable to magic.
Not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
Why don't you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh?
All right, you guys ready to order?
Hang on, honey.
Shiva and Ganesh?
The Hindu gods against the entire Union army?
And orcs.
I'll be back.
Excuse me.
Ganesh is the remover of obstacles and Shiva is the destroyer.
When the smoke clears, Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.
Alright, my boss says you have to either order or leave and never come back.
I'll get it!
Oh no!
Oh no!
Make way for the fastest man alive!
Oh, no!
See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting.
We all have other costumes.
We can change.
Or we could walk right behind each other all night.
It'll look like one person going really fast.
No, no, no.
It's a boy-girl party.
This flash runs solo.
Okay, how about this?
Nobody gets to be the flash.
We all change.
Agreed?
Agreed.
I call Frodo!
Damn!
Oh dear God.
Leonard!
Leonard, I'm sick!
Leonard?
Leonard?
Leonard, my comforter fell down and my sinuses hurt when I bend over.
Leonard?
Ow.
Hey, Leonard, where are you?
I'm at work.
At 6.30 in the morning?
Yes.
On Sunday?
Yes.
Why?
They asked me to come in.
I didn't hear the phone ring.
They texted me.
Well, as I predicted, I am sick.
My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2 am and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate.
No kidding.
Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green.
Get some rest and drink plenty of fluids.
What else would I drink?
Gases, solids, ionized plasma?
Drink whatever you want.
I want soup.
Then make soup.
We don't have soup.
I'm at work, Sheldon.
Is that a dog?
Yes.
In the lab?
Yes.
They're training dogs to operate the centrifuge for when they need dogs to operate the centrifuge for blind scientists.
I have to go.
Howard, it's the phone.
I know it's the phone, Ma.
I hear the phone.
Well, who's calling at this ungodly hour?
I don't know.
Well, ask them why they're calling at this ungodly hour.
How can I ask them when I'm talking to you?
Hello?
Howard, it's Leonard.
Code Milky Green.
Dear Lord, not Milky Green.
What do you see?
What do you see?
The living room appears to be empty.
Okay, he must be in his bedroom.
My spare glasses are in my bedroom, on my dresser, next to my bat signal.
I'm not going in there.
Raj?
No way, Jose.
Well, I can't do it.
I can't see anything.
It's all right.
Wireless mini-cam and Bluetooth headset will be your eyes.
Fine. subsonic impact sensor.
If Sheldon gets out of bed and starts to walk, this device will register it and send the signal to the laptop.
At that point, based on the geography of the apartment and the ambulatory speed of a sick Sheldon, you'll have seven seconds to get out glasses or no glasses.
Won't my footsteps set it off?
No, you'll be on your hands and knees.
Now you'll need to get the sensor as close as you can to Sheldon's room.
But how do I carry it if I'm on my hands and knees?
Stay low.
Bare left.
Now keep true.
What?
It means go straight.
They just say go straight.
You don't say go straight when you're giving bearings.
You say keep true.
All right.
I just hit my head.
Because you didn't keep true.
The picture's breaking up.
Angle your head to the right.
A little more.
A little more.
That's it.
Now just keep true.
All right, you're close enough to Sheldon's room.
Deploy the sensor.
It wasn't on?
No.
Then why did I have to crawl?
Oh, I guess you didn't.
Okay, it's on.
Good.
From this point forward, you will have to crawl.
I know.
Hang on.
The sensor's picking up something.
Turn your head back.
You rat bastard.
Told you the sensor would work.
Why?
You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon.
Come on, I had to.
You see what he's like?
Betty, Betty, I'm hungry.
Uh, it's okay, sweetie.
Good news.
Leonard's home.
No!
Here you go.
Good luck.
Bye.
Wait, wait.
Leonard, I'm hungry.
Penny, take me with you.
I want grilled cheese.
Dr. Hofstadter, Dr. Cooper, Dr. Gabelhauser.
Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Dennis Kim.
Dennis is a highly sought after doctoral candidate and we're hoping to have him do his graduate work here.
Graduate work, very impressive.
And he's only 15 years old.
Not bad.
I myself started graduate school at 14.
Well, I lost a year while my family was tunneling out of North Korea.
Advantage 10.
I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around, let him see why we're the best physics research facility in the country.
I already know you're not.
You don't have an open science grid computer or a free electron laser, and the string theory research being done here is nothing but a dead end.
Excuse me, that is my research, and it is by no means a dead end.
Well, obviously you don't see it yet, but trust me, you will.
Dennis, we've discussed this.
We're in the process of updating our equipment and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we've agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20 of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang.
We want him here.
Boys, make it happen.
Yes sir, you can count on us, we're on it.
What the hell do you mean?
Dead end?
I mean the whole landscape of false vacuums.
And strength theory could be as large as 10 to the 500th power.
In addition, oh look, chocolate milk i sense a disturbance in the force.
What feeling I have about this?
Next question.
What is the quantum mechanical effect used in code data on hard disk drives?
Howard.
And of course, the answer is giant magneto resistance.
Right.
Hey, I buzzed in.
And I answered.
It's called teamwork.
Don't you think I should answer the engineering questions?
I am an engineer.
By that logic, I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal.
Just ask another one.
Okay.
What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einstein's predicted frame dragging?
And of course, it's gravity probe B.
Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
Why?
Because it's polite.
What do manners have to do with it?
This is war.
Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again.
Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions.
And the objective of the competition is to give correct answers.
If I know them, why shouldn't I give them?
Some of us might have the correct answers, too.
Oh, please.
You don't even have a PhD.
All right, that's it.
Howard, sit down.
Okay.
Okay, first of all, what you call a gap was nearly three feet wide.
I slipped and skinned my knee.
Are you okay?
Second of all, the door to the stairwell of the other building was locked, so I had to go down the fire escape which ends on the third floor, forcing me to crawl through the window of a lovely Armenian family who insisted I stay for lunch.
That doesn't sound too bad.
It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son.
Sorry.
Not done.
By the time I finally got to work, they'd given my shift away.
Yeah, that's right.
I've lost an entire day's pay thanks to this.
This... Time machine.
The lights flashed and the dish spins.
You want to try it?
No!
I don't want to try it!
My God, you are grown men!
How could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books?
And now that!
That!
Again, time machines.
Oh, please, it's not a time machine.
If anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
Come on, guys, push.
If I push any harder, I'm gonna give birth to my colon.
Oh, hey, guys.
Uh, hi, Penny.
Take a break, guys.
What are you doing?
Oh, you know, just moving a time machine.
Yeah, OK, neat.
But I really got to get to work, so.
No problem.
Hang on.
What about your time machine?
Some things are more important than toys.
I'm scared.
Don't worry, baby.
I've got you.
Oh, Leonard.
It's still my turn.
Hey, Leonard, you left your underwear in the dryer downstairs.
These are not mine.
Really?
They have your little name label in them.
Yeah, no, I use those just to polish up my spearfishing equipment.
I spearfish.
When I'm not crossbow hunting, I spearfish.
Penny, this is Sheldon's twin sister, Missy.
Missy, this is our neighbor, Penny.
Hi.
Wow, you don't look that much alike.
Can I get a hallelujah?
Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs.
They are no more alike than any other siblings.
Hey, guess what?
I've been accepted as a test subject for a new miracle drug to overcome pathological shyness.
Oh, good for you, Raj.
Yes, I'm very hopeful.
Hello, Missy.
They mentioned there may be side effects.
I am Shiva the Destroyer.
I will have the woman.
Good morning, you.
I was judo champion at math camp.
All right, that's enough juvenile squabbling.
You stop it.
You stop it, I say.
I'm going to settle this right now.
Neither of you are good enough for my sister.
Who are you to decide that?
He's the man of his family.
You have to respect his wishes.
You're out too, by the way.
Say what?
It's nothing personal.
I'd just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn't become flatulent every time they ate an Eskimo pie.
What are you so happy about?
I'm not happy.
It's the medication.
I can't stop smiling.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Take that!
You want some more?
And ease down!
Dude!
Come on, come on, get up!
Stay down, bitch.
Yeah!
Natural selection at work.
I weep for humanity.
Excuse me while I go tell Missy the good news.
Oh, hi, Penny.
How's it going?
Listen, that guy Mike that you were dating, is that still going on?
Uh, pretty much.
Why?
Nothing, just catching up.
By the way, may I speak to Missy, please?
Of course.
Hi, Leonard.
What's up?
Well, since you're leaving tomorrow, I was wondering if you'd like to go to dinner with me.
That's so sweet.
But no thanks.
Oh.
Do you have other plans or... No.
Oh.
All right.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Thanks.
See ya.
What do you want, Howard?
I'm fine, thanks for asking.
I've come to call on Missy.
Missy!
Hi, Howard.
The Amazing Howard.
Do you like magic?
Not really, no.
Then you are in for a treat.
Behold, an ordinary cane.
No.
Okay.
Okay.
Missy!
Thank you.
I apreece.
Apreece.
Apreece.
Uh-oh.
Oh, honey, is your medication wearing off?
Well, hi, cutie pie.
I was hoping you'd show up.
So Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?
He can't eat cheesecake.
He's lactose intolerant.
Okay, he can have carrot cake.
What about the cream cheese frosting?
He can scrape it off.
Forget about the cake.
How did you know that my birthday is Saturday?
I did your horoscope.
Remember, I was going to do everybody's until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively, through meticulously designed experiments, that astrology is nothing but pseudoscientific hokum.
Blah, blah, blah.
Typical Taurus.
So seriously, are we going to see you Saturday?
I don't think so.
Why not?
I don't celebrate my birthday.
Shut up.
Yeah, you do.
It's no big deal.
It's just the way I was raised.
My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
That's so silly.
It's actually based on very sound theories.
His mother published a paper on it.
Well, what was it called?
I hate my son and that's why he can't have cake?
It was obviously effective.
Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist.
Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
Thank you.
Well, I love birthdays.
Waking up to mom's special French toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends.
Yeah, see?
That's what kids should have.
Actually, that was last year.
So you really never had a birthday party?
No, but it was okay.
I mean when I was little I'd think maybe my parents would change their mind and surprise me with a party.
Like this one birthday.
I came home from my cello lesson and I saw a lot of strange cars parked out front.
When I got to the door, I could hear people whispering and I could smell German chocolate cake, which is my favorite.
And?
It turns out my grandfather had died.
Oh my God, that's terrible.
It was kind of like a birthday party.
I got to see all my cousins and there was cake.
That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
You think?
Go ahead, tell her about your senior prom.
Penny, listen, I've got a problem.
Yeah, well, so do I. Look, you've got to stall Leonard a little longer.
I don't think I can.
You have to.
We all have to be there at the same time to yell surprise.
Okay, you have to understand something.
We're in a hospital right now.
Why?
Is Leonard okay?
Leonard's fine.
I'm fine.
Thanks for asking, by the way.
Okay, I don't need your attitude.
Listen, just hold him there a little longer.
Look, I've done my best, but he wants to go home, and I don't know how to stop him.
Okay, how about this?
You keep him there a little longer, and when you get to the party I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
Don't toy with me, woman.
I got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem.
I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Thy will be done.
I'm doing this for you, little buddy.
Excuse me, my friend is having an allergic reaction to peanuts.
No, he's not.
Yes, he is.
Look, sir, we are very busy here, and I just... Holy crap!
Please help me.
Thank you.
Take him down.
He's got you, Sheldon.
Come on.
Hey, guys, guys.
Some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.
It's called trestling.
It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of Tetris into the ultimate sport.
Yeah, that's terrific.
But what they wanted me to ask you is to cut it the hell out.
All right, come on, guys.
Come on.
Happy birthday to you.
We might as well stop.
It's a stalemate.
You're beating me in Tetris, but you've got the upper body strength of a Keebler elf.
Keebler elf?
I go to Keebler elf right here.
Okay, sustain me.
Excuse me, do you know anything about this stuff?
I know everything about this stuff.
I have my own wholesale flower business and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.
Here, buy this one.
Look, it's the one we're getting.
See?
Happy guy.
No, no, no, no.
She doesn't want that.
She needs a point-to-point peer network with a range extender.
Thank you.
Which hard drive do I want?
Firewire or USB?
It depends on what bus you have available.
I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
Oh, dear Lord.
Sheldon, we have to go.
Not now.
Penny, this poor man needs me.
You hold on, I'll be right with you.
What computer do you have?
And please don't say a white one.
Okay, we don't have that in stock. but I can special order it for you.
Him.
Excuse me, sir.
You don't work here.
Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else.
Sheldon, we have to go.
Why?
Well, for one thing, we're late for Leonard's birthday party and for another, I told him to call security.
Good luck.
By the way, a six-year-old could hack your computer system.
Keep walking.
Yeah, 1234 is not a secure password.
I'm back.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
It's not your fault.
What happened?
I went over to Mike's to make up with him.
Yeah, no, I know that part.
But he had already moved on.
Already?
That was quick.
That's what I said to the woman who had her legs wrapped around his neck.
Honey, I am so sorry.
How could he do that?
Well, you know, you did throw an 80 gig iPod.
Yeah, no, how could he do that?
I swear to God, I am done with guys like that.
You know, macho with the perfect body and the hair and the money.
Yeah, that must get old quick.
You know just once, I would like to go out with someone who is nice and honest and who actually cares about me.
What about me?
But about you what?
What about if you went out with me?
Are you asking me out?
Um, yes, I am asking you out.
Wow.
I was just going off your comment about the nice guy.
No, I know.
I got that.
And honest.
Yeah, totally.
So, but it's no big deal.
Yes.
Yes, what?
Yes, I will go out with you.
Really?
Yeah.
Why not?
I mean, what do I have to lose?
Yeah.
That's the spirit.
Hi.
Come on in.
Thank you.
You look very nice.
Thank you.
So do you.
I made an 8 o'clock reservation.
OK, yeah, great.
Listen, maybe we should talk first.
In 1935, Erwin Schrödinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time.
Now, Since no one knows when or if the poison has been released until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead.
I'm sorry, I don't get the point.
Well, of course you don't get it.
I haven't made it yet.
You have to be psychic to get it, and there's no such thing as psychic.
Sheldon, what's the point?
Just like Schrodinger's cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad.
It is only by opening the box that you'll find out which it is.
Okay, so you're saying I should go out with Leonard.
No, no, no, no, no.
Let me start again.
In 1935- Sheldon, I think I've made a mistake.
I can see that.
Unless you're planning on running a marathon.
Choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch-filled redundancy.
No, it's about Penny.
A mistake involving Penny.
Okay, you'll have to narrow it down.
I don't think I can go out with her tonight.
Then don't.
Other people would say, why not?
Other people might be interested.
I'm gonna talk anyway.
I assumed you would.
Now that I'm actually about to go out with Penny, I'm not excited.
I'm nauseous.
Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate.
Starch absorbs fluid, which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion.
Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny.
What happens if I blow it?
Well, if we accept your premise and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you, then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny.
The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby-Doo cartoons comes to mind.
Tell me whether or not to go through with the date.
Schrodinger's cat.
Wow, that's brilliant.
You sound surprised.