Hey there and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything, and I mean anything, you want advice on.
And then I give you my own professional advice.
And today's topic is the complicated relationship between romance and friendship.
Okay? Whether you're dating your friend of five years or you hate your significant others, best friends.
There's like a weird complicated relationship between friendship and romance.
There just is. It's messy for some reason.
And so that's what we're going to be diving into today.
So I guess without further ado, let's begin.
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Now let's get back to the episode.
Somebody said, my boyfriend has a female bestie.
She's married and has a family, but their friendship still feels too close for my comfort.
What do I do?" This is tough, because I think it's almost biological or something for us to get protective over our significant others when they're friends with someone who technically they could be attracted to.
Like, from my experience with that, almost feels innate, and inevitable.
In an ideal world we would feel comfortable with our significant others being friends with somebody who they could technically be attracted to, right?
I think we all would love to reach that level of security in ourselves and our relationships, confidence in ourselves and our relationships but I think for most of us majority of the time this is uncomfortable situation.
We don't like when our significant others have friends that they could technically have sex with.
Well, we could have sex with anyone, but you get what I'm saying.
Like, they would be down to have sex with, right?
It's not ideal. However, we can be platonic friends with people that we could also technically be physically attracted to, right?
This is just a fact.
Some people disagree with me on that.
Some people are pretty adamant about believing that relationships between two people who could technically be attracted to each other.
There's usually some sort of sexual undertone.
Some people really believe that.
I do believe because I've experienced this that, you know, like I've been friends with with straight men before and it been completely platonic on my end.
And honestly, on their end as well.
Maybe deep down they had a little crush on me, but they didn't make it clear and everything was fine.
So, I do think it's possible.
Some people disagree with me on that.
I think it's possible.
Listen, okay, to start, you shouldn't feel guilty.
If you are feeling guilty about how you feel, you shouldn't, okay?
As I just mentioned, I think this is sort of a biological thing, this feeling of protectiveness, of skepticism, of feeling like, wait, are they going to end up falling in love with that person and leaving me for them?
I think that that's normal and natural, but it's what you do about those feelings that matters.
It's what you do about those feelings that you have control over.
You don't have control over the way you feel.
If that feels threatening and uncomfortable for you, you can't control that, you know what I'm saying?
That's how you feel.
So now you have to figure out what you're gonna do.
I think you have a few options here.
Number one, you could confront your partner and just be completely honest and say, listen, this friendship makes me uncomfortable.
I don't really know what to do because you both are friends and I can't really stop you both from being friends, but it really bothers me, it makes me uncomfortable, and let's come up with a solution together because I don't really have the answer, okay?
That's the first and probably best option.
You present the problem and say, listen, I don't know how to solve this.
What are you comfortable with?
What do you think we should do?
and kinda leave it in your partner's core in a way.
So that's option number one.
Option number two, I would say, would be to do a bit of soul searching.
Don't necessarily bring it up immediately, try to figure out why this bothers you so much. Do you think it's just sort of innate biological protectiveness?
Or do you think that you have some sort of underlying trust issues, perhaps from a past relationship, that's now coming up here in a way that's irrational?
Or do you think that maybe you're struggling with your self -esteem, and I'm not saying that in a rude or derogatory way towards you, I've experienced this a trillion times, it's very normal, but if our self -esteem is low, we can sometimes look at somebody who we might vaguely deem as competition, you know, this married woman who's friends with your boyfriend and sort of take out our insecurity on that person in a way.
Is it that? It might make sense to do a little bit of soul searching and figure out where it's coming from.
And if you discover, oh wait, I think I have some stuff that I need to work out, then that's what you do to handle it, right?
You don't necessarily need to bring it up.
Because I think, listen, I'm always all about communication.
My immediate suggestion is almost always going to be bring it up, talk through it with your partner, but there are moments in relationships where it can be nice to figure yourself out first before you go and have a conversation because it can sometimes be sort of confusing for your partner, perhaps, if you go to them with sort of an underdeveloped point of view and then they get confused and they're misreading where you're coming from.
It can be complicated, it can be really nice to sort of figure yourself out first and a lot of times that will give you a clearer direction of what to do, you know, like you can bring it up right away and just knock it out but you could also look inward first and then let that guide your decision.
I think both approaches work.
I think the The difference between the two approaches is that the first approach just bringing it up and saying, listen, I'm uncomfortable and it doesn't really matter why, I'm uncomfortable and let's figure this out.
What do you think we should do?
That's good because I think working together to figure out a solution is really helpful, but there's definitely a bit less soul searching in that.
And so I think only you can decide if the soul searching is necessary.
And if you think it is, then option two works better for you.
Or it's like, okay I'm gonna figure out what's bothering me first, why it's bothering me.
Is it rational, or is it a bit irrational?
And then take the next step from there.
Either resolve it on your own or bring it up, depending on what you discover.
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Okay, next, somebody said, I don't like my boyfriend's best friend.
We're in a friend group where we're all couples.
I never got along with his bestie that well, but it was okay for a while.
Overall, he's not a nice guy though.
He's mean to me and to his girlfriend, and I think he's kind of misogynistic.
The other day he was rude to me and I cried about it.
How do I go about this situation?
Listen, if you weren't my boyfriend's best friend, I would never want to see him again.
What do I tell my boyfriend?
This is my opinion.
I think you don't talk to your boyfriend about anything.
I think you talk to this boy, okay?
I think you talk to your boyfriend's best friend.
I think you need to confront him.
Listen, is it kind of a red flag that your boyfriend is friends with an asshole?
yes but you know I don't know how much your boyfriend knows like is your boyfriend seeing him being mean to you and his girlfriend you know I don't know like I don't know the full story so I'd like to believe he's not seeing that with his own two eyes and just saying it's alright you know like I'd like to believe if he saw that with his own two eyes he would stand up for you and ideally even the girlfriend as well but assuming that he's not fully aware of of what's going on.
I think it makes most sense to confront your boyfriend's best friend because he's really the problem.
Okay. And you're all in a friend group.
It's like, imagine you were in this friend group and your boyfriend wasn't present.
Right? Obviously I know you said that if you weren't with your boyfriend, you'd never want to see this guy again, but you're in a big friend group with a lot of people that I bet you really enjoy.
Otherwise you wouldn't be friends with them.
So imagine you were in this friend group and your boyfriend wasn't present.
What would you do? You'd have no one to complain to.
You'd have to just go to this person and say, hey, you're an asshole.
You know, like we need to figure this out.
Listen, that's not what you should say, but you get what I'm saying.
Like kind of take your boyfriend out of the equation for a second because it really isn't about your boyfriend.
it's really about your relationship with this boy who sucks, who's mean, right?
My suggestion would be, and listen, I know this is uncomfortable, but in a friend group, sometimes this is what has to be done, okay?
I would say confront this boy and say, listen, I enjoy being in this friend group.
Obviously, my boyfriend's your best friend.
Being around you is tough for me because I find that you're constantly disrespecting me.
I mean, you're also disrespecting your girlfriend, which makes me upset.
And you're just overall not a nice guy.
And like, I really want to have a strong friendship with you, and I really want to get along with you because not only do I love my boyfriend and I want to support him, but also because we're all in a friend group together and life is more fun when we can all have fun together.
So I just want to understand what's going on.
A lot of times people are assholes because it's a defense mechanism, they're hurting.
There's a good chance that somehow for whatever reason this boy's hurting.
And I mean, listen, is he gonna open up to you?
Probably not, but in a way being like, what's going on?
Are you okay? Why are you acting like this?
Why are you treating people like this?
Not only is it hurting others, but it's a sign that you're hurting, that you are hurting.
You know, what's going on?
If you can ask him what's going on and try to the best of your ability to be a little empathetic with him, you'd be shocked at how much that can soften a person up, and the truth is, if you don't confront him, it's clear his girlfriend's not doing it, like no one will.
Somebody has to confront him, if he's being an asshole, and it's the right thing to do To tell them what's up and say you can't act like this It's horrible to be around and it's clear that something's bothering you what's going on.
Like I really think that that's the right thing to do Now if this goes well problem solved, you know, you can start to develop a friendship with this guy Hopefully it'll soften him up Maybe it'll wake him up to his evil demeanor and he'll maybe even start being nicer to his girlfriend like, who knows, you know?
It's crazy what can come from gentle confrontation, right?
Sometimes people just need to be confronted and humbled in a way, and it'll change everything.
But there's also a chance that that won't work out.
Okay, so what happens if you confront him and he continues to treat you and his girlfriend like shit, and he continues to just be horrible, to be around.
What do you do? I think at that point, it does make sense to talk to your boyfriend and be like, listen, I don't know what to do because your best friend is horrible to be around.
Being around him puts me in a bad mood.
I don't know that I can hang out with this group of friends anymore.
Like I want to be able to have this group of friends with you but it's so miserable because of this guy and I've tried to confront him and I'm just stuck at this point.
I don't really want to be a part of this friend group anymore but also, I love you, and so I wanna hang out with your friends and our friends, like, I'm stuck.
What do you think I should do?" Similar to my last piece of advice, for the first dilemma that we discussed, I think it's totally okay to confront your partner and say, listen, here's the problem.
Now, help me come up with a solution, you know?
Because whenever you're having challenges in a relationship, there are two people involved.
And I don't always think it makes sense to come up with a solution on your own.
Like, if you're having a problem with your significant other and then you go hide out in your bedroom and come up with a solution, then come out to the kitchen and say, hey, here's the solution.
That doesn't always work because again, there's two people in the relationship.
I think the best solution is found collaboratively a lot of times.
Unless you know for sure what you need, right?
But sometimes we don't know.
And in this situation, you don't know how to go about it, you don't know how to solve it.
You're conflicted, you're confused.
So I think it can be really helpful to go to your partner and say, what should we do?
You know, I can't keep going on like this.
We need to figure out a solution.
What do you think? And you know, hopefully you both can find a happy solution where both of you are getting what you need.
If your boyfriend really needs to be friends with this guy, then maybe it means that he goes and hangs out with that guy without you.
Maybe your boyfriend decides that he's going to have a serious conversation with his friend and if his friend doesn't improve his behavior, he's going to end the friendship.
But it's impossible for me to give advice on what that is.
Only you two can decide.
But I do really think you should to confront the friend first. Okay, next, somebody said, my partner wants me to be friends with one of his friends that I really don't like and they trigger me badly.
How do we get through this?
Well, we're not gonna like everyone in our partner's lives, okay?
It's kind of inevitable that there's gonna be someone in our partner's lives that we just don't get along with.
It might be a sibling, it might be a family member, it might be a friend, this is inevitable.
Now, it is important to find a way to coexist, right?
It's definitely not healthy to dislike someone in your partner's life so much to the point that you can't even be around each other.
Right? Like let's say, well in this case, you know, you really don't like your boyfriend's friend.
Ideally you can get to a place where you can at least coexist. So, for example, at your boyfriend's birthday party, it's not like the whole evening is ruined because you guys hate each other.
That's not fair to your partner.
And again, it's sort of inevitable that you're not going to like everyone in your partner's life.
So you have to figure out a way to coexist. So I think I would suggest that you try to find it in yourself to find a way to coexist with this person when you absolutely have to when it's your partner's birthday when you know your partner's really excited about a football game and invites you and his friends to this football game and it's really important to him that everybody's there because he loves this football team and he just wants everybody to be to be together whatever like I do think that it's important to respect that for the sake of your boyfriend however I don't think you need to be
friends with your boyfriend's friend, okay?
It'd be one thing if your boyfriend was saying like hey, can we find a way to coexist?
I think that's a fair request. Sometimes we have to compromise, sacrifice, and deal with unfortunate shit in relationships.
It's inevitable. When two people are involved with each other, complicated things always arise and we have to sometimes just deal with it Because that's a part of being in a relationship.
Coexisting is a fair request. Being friends I think that's something you can't force.
He can't ask you to be friends with his friend.
Unfortunately, friendship can't be forced.
You're either clicking with someone or you're not.
And so if you're not clicking with someone, you can definitely find a way to coexist. Everyone can coexist. But you can't force that friendship.
And I think that that's what you need to tell your boyfriend.
and you need to be like listen, I'm gonna make it a priority to be able to coexist with him in a way that doesn't cause any grief or upset for you.
Right, when we're all together because something is happening, an event is occurring where you want everyone all together, all your loved ones all together, I will show up and I will find a way to keep the spirits up and keep my distance from him.
Like I'll manage that situation, right?
But I can't force friendship and I don't click with this person and I'm sorry.
Like I wish I would love to be friends with him, but we just don't click.
And so you can tell your boyfriend, having our relationships be separate, right?
Having your friendship with your best friend, be separate from my relationship with you, my boyfriend, is going to be crucial because I just do not like this person.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
And that's totally fine.
You don't have to like everyone in your It's like, I do think there's a huge difference between coexisting and being friends.
And I think sometimes that can be a bit confusing to people, it can be a bit confusing to distinguish.
But I think clarifying and distinguishing the difference to your partner and basically laying out on the table what you're able to do and what you're not, I think is the best that you can do.
And again, you can remind your partner.
This is a normal part of relationships.
We have to make compromises.
We have to sometimes deal with shit that isn't ideal.
But, you know, you can say to your partner, I love you, I'm willing to do it to this extent.
And... I hope you're cool with that.
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Now, let's get back to the episode.
Somebody said, my boyfriend and bestie do not get along.
I have no idea how to navigate this situation.
I love them both so much. Again, I mean, as I just discussed, right?
Unfortunately, friendship cannot be forced.
It's almost something that goes even beyond the human level.
It's almost sort of spiritual, I feel like who we click with on any level, friendship, romantic whatever, is almost out of our control.
I can't tell you how many people have disliked me for no reason, and vice versa.
I can't tell you how many people I've disliked for no reason.
It's just I don't even know how to explain it.
It's like an energy thing, you know?
Sometimes people just don't click.
And I think the worst thing you can do is try to force that in any capacity.
Now, listen, I understand it is really challenging to have your inner circle, not click.
It sucks, but I think similar to the last piece of advice I gave for the last sort of dilemma, you can't ask them to be friends, because again, that's just impossible to force.
But you can ask them to coexist. You can say, listen, I get it.
You guys don't like each other.
Now, listen, I suggest that you have these conversations separately with the two of them.
Don't bring them both in the same room.
That's a little, that's not good.
But have two separate conversations and say, listen, I'm not going to force you both to be friends.
I am not going to force you both to be in the same room, more than necessary.
But there are going to be moments when it's my birthday.
You know, I have a dance performance.
I don't know what you do.
Okay. But you get what I'm saying.
Like, there are going to be moments when you both are going to need to coexist. and I just politely and respectfully ask you both to figure it out, you know?
And I think when it comes to your own feelings right, in addition to this sort of conversation you kind of have to accept the fact that not everyone is going to be friends, you know?
And maybe that's a deal breaker for you in friendship or in romantic relationship.
It might be a deal breaker for you and that might be something that you discover through this experience.
It might be so miserable for you that they're not friends that you might have to end one of the relationships.
That happens sometimes.
But listen, there's also a chance that like give it five years and they could grow on each other and end up liking each other.
You never know. But I think in the meantime, you know, have that conversation and try to figure out if this is a deal breaker for you.
And if it's not, then slowly but surely come to terms with the fact that friendship can't be forced.
Okay next, somebody said I'm in an uncomfortable situation with my best friend.
We loved each other at different times and kind of never got on the same page.
Can we even salvage the friendship?
I absolutely think you can salvage the friendship.
To be honest, listen, it does get really complicated the second a friendship turns romantic, ugh, it gets tricky.
And it can be incredible because I think friendship is obviously the most important foundational element of a romantic relationship, so I think it's great to be friends first. I haven't done that very many times, but I always give that advice, because I think it's incredible to be platonic for a bit, I think can be really helpful.
Anyway, but that's not the point of this, that's a tangent, I'm off on a tangent.
The question is can you salvage the friendship if you both were sort of in love with each other at different times?
I think yes. I think the key to this is communication.
Truly. I think more than ever you two need to be open books with each other.
And I think it starts with a sit -down, a dinner, a coffee date, a something where you just lay it all out on the table.
Okay? You talk about how you used to feel.
You talk about how you feel now.
You ask them how they used to feel, how they feel now.
And together you figure out how you can be friends again.
Does it mean that romance between the two of you is off the table?
Maybe that's a boundary in the friendship just because you know that you both are prone to having romantic feelings towards each other, but because it's never worked in the past, maybe you both are like, you know what, I don't want to be romantic with this person.
I just want to be friends.
I love our friendship.
I cherish our friendship.
That's all I want it to be.
Maybe that's a boundary that you both can establish.
Or maybe it's like, you know what?
We don't want that boundary actually.
Maybe you both decide together, like, let's just take it one day at a time.
Let's start out being friends and we'll just see where it goes.
If someone starts to develop feelings, like we'll be honest with each other and go from there.
I really do think it can be salvaged.
I think through communication, understanding where you both are at and together coming up with, like kind of building the terms of your friendship moving forward, I think that can absolutely be possible.
I do think it's a bit complicated if one of you is still in love with the other or maybe you both are still a little in love with each other.
Or in that case, it's almost like just go on a date, you know what I mean?
Or start hanging out again, and if the feelings become overwhelming, confess your love.
It's tough. I will say, I get what you mean.
It's tough because there were so many complicated emotions in the past. Those emotions might come back.
They might even still somewhat be present.
Well, to me though, I'm thinking about it and I'm like, if you both have been sort of in love with each other, why don't you give it a chance?
Like, go on a date, you know?
Like, give it a go.
Unless I guess one of you or both of you are in new romantic relationships, then it's a bit more complicated because now you're introducing the emotions of both of your partners or one of your partners, if not both of you are in relationships, now you have to consider, okay, is this significant other okay with this friendship that did have a bit of romantic undertones to it.
You know, now there's an added level of complication but if you both are single the friendship can absolutely be salvaged.
And listen, I wouldn't close yourself off to the potential for romance like why not?
I don't know like what's wrong with that?
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Commitment is beautiful people.
I guess my final conclusion would be yes, you can be friends again but I think you just need to communicate and everybody's feelings need to be considered.
Both of your feelings need to be considered.
If there are now new significant others in the picture, their feelings need to be considered.
I think as long as everyone's on the same page and everyone's comfortable with the terms of the friendship yes you can absolutely continue to be friends but I think it gets complicated when there are things that aren't being discussed there's like an elephant in the room that's when it's uncomfortable to continue being friends because then you're like hanging out and you're like do they like me still?
Like do I like them still.
This is kind of awkward." Like, then it just is like, it's, it's not you can't do it.
You know what I mean?
It's really uncomfortable.
You have to be open books with each other.
And you know what's actually beautiful about that?
That experience will make the friendship deeper.
Anytime there's sort of a rift in a relationship, getting through it makes the relationship so much stronger.
So I think if you both can get through this, you might end up on the other end with a super strong beautiful friendship or maybe even a really deep meaningful romantic connection.
Who knows? You know, I wouldn't close yourself off to either.
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Okay. Somebody said, I can't tell if I actually like this guy, my friend, or if I just like the idea of him.
He's perfect on paper.
How do I figure it out?
Is it worth trying?
Okay, well, it's a good sign that you're already friends with this guy because chances are you know him pretty well.
Like, if you consider him a friend, you know him better than somebody who just met him at a bar.
You know what I mean?
Who's talked to him for 20 minutes.
Right? I think it's more concerning when you meet someone at a bar and you talk to them for 20 minutes.
And you're like, Oh my God, I'm in love with this guy.
Like, Oh my God, he's perfect.
That's a lot more concerning to me, than you feeling this way about your friend.
You actually know this kid.
Okay. You hang out with him.
You've spent time with him.
There's still... Listen, whenever you date someone, a new side of them comes out inevitably.
Okay. Just eventually the real them is revealed, right, in a way that you never see in friendship.
The guys that I've dated have seen a version of me that my best friends have never seen.
It's just the real you the deepest most vulnerable you comes out eventually right in a healthy relationship and so actually you know I've even been in relationships where that doesn't come out now that I think about it but usually it comes out you know what I mean but I think through being friends with this guy you're probably not gonna ever see that side to see that side I think you need to be dating him probably.
So honestly, I feel like because you already have a foundation of friendship and so far he's proven to be a really awesome guy, as you say, he's perfect on paper, I think you pursue him.
I mean, you already know more about him than most people know about people that they go on a first date with, right?
Like most people are finding people on dating apps and going on a date completely blind.
they have no foundation of friendship, right?
And I think foundation of friendship is really important.
Not that you can't do that on a dating app.
I think you can absolutely be like, I'm looking to be friends first, you know, whatever.
I don't know, I don't use dating apps so I can't really speak to it, but you know this guy more than the average person knows about somebody that they're going on a date with, okay?
So I say, it sounds like you actually like this guy.
It sounds like, I don't think you just like the idea of him if you're friends.
Like I think again, you've, you've reached your limit.
Like you know as much as you can know about him as a friend.
Now to really figure out if you like him, you have to pursue him.
You have to go on a date.
You have to see if you get butterflies.
You have to maybe share a smooch at some point, you know, see how it makes you feel.
You need to talk to him at two in the morning on the phone and see if it's fun for you.
Like, I think that's how you figure out if you truly like him at this point.
Because he's already passed the first test, the friendship test. Now, I must say this though.
You can like the idea of someone, even when you're dating them.
Like, that is always a risk, okay?
I've fully dated guys and then realized after, like, wait, I didn't even like them, like, I loved the idea of them, they were not good for me, you know what I mean?
but in my imagination, they were incredible for me.
You know, that's still a risk, right?
But I do think that the truest test of, you know, do I like this person or do I just like the idea of them is to spend time together to really get to know them.
To really grow a bond and have that quality time to analyze.
If you don't have quality time with this person, and there's nothing to form an opinion on.
You need to bond with this person and if they end up not being fun to be around, if they end up kinda sucking, right?
Then you can be like, oh shit, I think I did just like the idea.
Then they are not who I thought they were.
But until you have those hours logged, you know what I mean?
Until you've spent the time, you won't know.
You won't know. You kind of have to give it a try.
I mean, I guess you could technically as friends, really analyze him and compare what he is in your imagination to how he behaves in real life.
That could totally be helpful too before you truly pursue him, but I really think you just need to give it a try and see what he ends up being like on a daily basis, on a weekly basis, on a monthly basis.
You know only then will you really see who he is in a relationship and you'll see if he really is who you think he is.
And I wish you luck.
Anyway that's it for today's episode of Advice Session.
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I'll talk to you soon.
All right talk to you later.
Bye.
