If you lived next to a school or a public library or a museum, you must have come across some parents who insist on speaking English to their children, despite their weird accents and very basic vocabulary.
You must also have read about poor students having to attend multiple extracurricular courses besides what they get in school.
There's too much anxiety for the health of parents and their children, some would say.
And as a result, many are calling for a more relaxed style of parenting.
Hello, I'm Lai Ming, and this is Roundtable.
Today with Neil Holling and Brighton Yates, we study the latest fashion in parenting and leisure.
So it seems there's a new style that's trendy when it comes to parenting.
Many are calling for a relaxed style of parenting.
And what does that even mean?
How can parents afford to be relaxed?
It means that kids won't succeed.
No, that's not it.
That's my opinion.
I love those parents that are like, run harder, run faster, score more points.
I love those parents.
You're speaking like a coach.
Oh, some parents are coaches.
You'd be amazed.
Yeah, the thing is because those parents do exist and actually we see a lot of them.
And in a period in history those parents were actually praised quite a lot because they raised successful kids.
You have to identify successful for sure.
But the concept here is that now we are gradually talking about the kind of parents who can prioritize the emotional well-being of their kids and who can actually emphasize emotional regulation, presence and positive reinforcement, who can create a very relaxed family environment for the kids to success and fail in different tasks.
And these parents are now being considered as relaxed parents or 有松弛感的父母。
It's not saying that these parents do not want their kids to success.
It's just saying they give their kids the possibility and space to fail or to fail and getting back on their feet.
I think it's a fine line because I think these parents that kind of you know reinforce all of their kids feelings and make everything that they say and do feel valid.
Like I think that's too extreme.
But I also think you do get some parents that kind of force their kids into a direction for potential success that the kid doesn't really want to go into.
So it's a fine line of balancing that.
So yes, you do want to give your kid the space and the time to explore and fail and get back up and try new things and all of that.
But you also don't want to... force them into a direction that they don't want to go into.
But you also don't want to just kind of take your hands off the wheel and let the kids drive the car.
In that sense,
You know what I mean?
Yes.
And there are actually particular cases on the internet talking about what kind of parents or what kind of family environment are the kind of relaxed family environment that we all want to.
And the reason for these specific cases to be very popular is that there are I think it's our generation of children that have experienced this relatively tense and very demanding kind of parents.
No animation before homework is done.
But look what that's led to.
Look how powerful and successful China is now.
Maybe that wouldn't have been possible without that.
And some kids are saying.
By saying some kids, I mean the kind of well, they used to be kids, now they're adults.
And they're saying, for example, every time when I drop something from the table, when I knock over something by accident, I would feel this little tint of stress in my heart.
Because when I was growing up, my parents would on that spot screaming at me and blaming me and saying how can you be so clumsy?
And that kind of negative feeling lingers in my heart until I am an adult.
And they would also say, for example, not only towards the parents but also to their significant other, saying that when I am traveling with my boyfriend, I always get very nervous because if I make the plan, if the plan does not go according to schedule, he would snap on the spot.
He would screaming at me for not making I think screaming might be a strong word, by the way blaming me for not giving um a plan b or making the preparation to the fullest, and i feel very stressed.
So when i see examples such as the one i'm about to describe, that is, a family on the in the airport, the kids are yelling at kids and stuff.
I always see dramatic scenes at airports yes, but this specific case actually got over 450 000 uh views and also, i think, a lot of comments talking about this specific case, because one um, one netizen, said that on the airport.
Well, in the airport, i heard the entire story.
Basically, the story is that the mom got all the luggage under her id, But the mom could not go with the entire family because one kid forgot to bring his or her identification and the mom needs to stay with the kid.
But no one in the family screamed at the kid or blaming the mommy for not helping the kid getting ready.
What they did is allowing the mommy to take the kid back home and shipping all of the luggage and all the things that they need to travel directly to the destination.
Went ahead.
Went ahead.
When did the mom and the kid join them?
They will join them the next day or something.
And the idea is that no one was screaming at anybody.
No one was blaming anybody.
What they did was to figure out a solution in a very calm and polite manner.
I don't disagree with that, but I definitely would have screamed.
Definitely.
Then again, which is exactly why we are talking about this new fashion.
I need to hear this.
This is important for me.
So I can learn to maybe be a good parent in the future.
No one needs to yell at anybody just because something is not going right according to the plan, that kind of thing.
So I think we are in the process of a tectonic shift when it comes to parenting.
I think there was a time in ancient China where we believed that you have to use very strict measures so that your kids would learn how to behave.
Look what happened.
Well, but then a lot of the attention was given to, you know, very tough measures, punitive measures to make sure that kids know what not to do.
Like spending money on their parents' cards, like 28,000 yuan on gaming.
Right.
But in our generation... You're a tough parent.
Well, I'm not a parent.
I hope not.
Not that I know of.
But if I do become a parent one day, I think I would be fairly harsh in certain instances.
Well, going back to what we were going on about, and that is, I think, in our generation, when we were little kids, there already was this shift to not from the punitive measures, shift from the punitive measures to perhaps something more educational.
The focus was placed more on... Encouraging.
So there were more educated parents reading about this and that kind of theories as to how best to talk to your kids so they'll listen, and how to listen so your kids will talk to you.
That kind of thing.
So there was a lot of attention given to Well raising my kid or raising our kids to the greatest potential that they could reach and giving them the opportunities that are most fitted for them.
I think it's still very important to point out mistakes or failures that kids make, but there are constructive ways of doing so.
And I don't think yelling at a kid is necessarily the best way to do that.
And equally, you need to also praise your kids for successes that they have.
Because I think there are a lot of parents that just constantly yell at their kids and put their kids down.
But when their kids eventually do succeed, they say nothing.
Yes, I think I think here there are two factors here to consider.
One is that some our generation of parents, when we become parents, we started to want to be the kind of relaxed encouraging, supporting parents that we didn't used to have.
That's one way of looking at it.
Was the parenting in a way like, so it was super strict, but not encouraging?
Was that kind of the traditional way of parenting?
So, you know, there were strict rules and kids were yelled at if they made a mistake.
But were those parents also not supporting their kids goals and dreams?
Well, I think they're supporting their kids, but in a very strict way.
Instead of saying I think you can do this, they say I know you're already second place, but next time I think you can be the first place.
Being a little bit too strict, in a way.
The predominant style was to be on the strict side.
Yes.
San Zi Jing, the three word verses that young kids were supposed to study.
There was this one line.
So when it comes to education, when the education is not strict enough, then it's the fault of the father, right?
But that does seem to be a universal trend.
In countries that are successful, they normally have, normally a lot of successful athletes politicians, business leaders.
I think that they've had very strict demanding, pushy parents, And that is why there is another side of the story.
That is the parents who believe that they want to be more supportive.
They want to be more encouraging.
They want to be more patient to their kids.
But they realize that they are still the competitive type.
They still want their kids to win in different games.
They still want their kids to have the edge and they still feel the pressure.
It's a balancing act.
It's a balancing act.
It's really hard.
And parents on one side thinking that I should provide with my kids the best that I could, the best teachers, the best resources.
As long as they are into a certain game, no matter if it's hockey or if it's just table tennis I should be able to sign up such courses for my kid.
But on the other hand, they also fear, am I being too strict?
Am I giving my kids too much pressure?
Am I... being a good parent and they want to be the relaxed parent who can give it all.
You know what I think one of the solutions is to this issue is communication.
And I think that look, it is difficult to create a dialogue with a child that is, you know, I mean you know five six, seven years old.
But when it gets to a point where you know you are very encouraging of your child in a certain activity and are maybe getting to the point of being pushy, There might be certain instances where it would be beneficial for both the parent and the child to sit down and have a dialogue about whether this is a path that the kid wants to go down.
Do they feel like the parents being too pushy, or you know?
Once that dialogue is created, then I think that opens the space for positive reinforcement, as opposed to just pushing a kid into a direction they might not necessarily want to go into.
This is exactly why, even though Brandon said, a lot of the success of this country may have derived from this culture of being strict with the kids, but already there's been so much coverage about the negative consequences of parents being too strict with their kids.
There's been so many high-profile cases of kids who couldn't take the pressure, who would take extreme measures under that pressure.
As a result, to continue our theory of this tectonic shift, and that is already.
Parents of our generation.
We are not living by any books when it comes to the education of our kids.
We are paying more attention to whether or not our kids is behaving healthily under a different kind of circumstances, whether we're giving them too much pressure, whether They are at an age where they can fulfill certain tasks without really following rigidly whatever experience that the so-called successful parents are sharing over the internet or in a book that kind of thing.
So there's a lot of soul searching.
And, as a result, I think this is very important because look at the cost that we already paid for pushing the kids to their limits.
I mean, we certainly don't want certain tragedies to be repeated going forward.
But we also still want to have successful kids, though.
That's the thing.
So it's a tricky thing to manage.
Because 松弛感 in Chinese literally is the feeling of relaxed.
I don't think the parents really want to be relaxed.
Yeah, it's kind of like saying that They're looking over their kid's shoulder like there we go Johnny, play your computer games in the back of their head.
They're thinking, why is this kid not studying?
Why is this kid playing table tennis?
And they want to yell at them, but they can't.
And also, 松弛感 has become the keyword for a lot of discussions.
People wanted to be those people who have 松弛感.
They want their kids to be the kind of kids who have 松弛感.
But what exactly is 松弛感?
I think it's the kind of status that.
It's not that you don't want to win.
It's not that you're not pressured you are.
You are still facing multiple challenges.
Maybe sometimes you're facing make or break situations, yet you have this kind of belief in your heart that you can deal with it with the right amount of tools and energy and wisdom.
You pull into the task.
You understand and you believe you can deal with it.
You will still complain to your fellow teammates or your friends about ah, I feel so pressured.
But deep down, you know, you can get things done.
And you want that for yourself.
You want that for your kid.
I think there's positive ways of encouraging children to be competitive and try new things in a healthy way.
But I think most of the cases where extreme parenting has led to success I actually think is quite limited.
But there have been many instances of that sort of parenting, particularly in sports obviously as a sports journalist where that's brought success.
I think of the Williams sisters, they weren't really given an option.
Serena and Venus, their parents said, you are going to be tennis players.
And now they're going to go down as the greatest tennis players of all time.
Same thing happened to Andre Agassi and a couple of other athletes.
But those are very extreme cases.
For the majority of kids in the world.
They might not go on to be the best athletes in the world or the best politicians or leaders in the world, but you still want them to be competitive and successful and to triumph over adversity and try new things and be resilient in the face of failure.
That sort of thing.
And I think that requires positive encouragement from parents, which can be seen as a relaxed style, but it can't be too relaxed.
You can't just let your kids lay on the couch all day and do whatever they want.
You need to positively reinforce kids and positively motivate them to go out into the world, try new things and figure out what works for them and what doesn't, and to face adversity and to be able to deal with failures and successes.
There are cases in which a kid is certainly talented could be tennis or in cycling or in academic performances, that kind of thing.
So in that case, I think it's warranted that their parents have certain strict requirements or expectations for them to fulfill.
I mean, they could be facing a very, very packed schedule on a daily basis.
But I don't think everybody is talented in the same way.
It's extreme case.
Well, a math genius should be able to pull off a very packed schedule filled with mathematics and mathematics Olympia, various challenges and problem-solving studies in this regard.
In comparison.
Maybe a different kid that's talented in tennis should get more opportunities to live out in the tennis court and would just swing their rackets, that kind of thing.
And then for children who have absolutely no talent at all.
I could be very wrong, because every kid is talented just differently.
But in case where a kid doesn't have exceptional talent, then I don't think it's fair for any parents to require that they follow the same kind of schedule that a talented mathematician could easily pull off.
In that case,
In certain ways ways, having a kid that is extremely talented at one thing maybe makes parenting a little bit easier, because then you kind of know where to direct your focus and energy for your child, whereas if you are born with a child that isn't necessarily super talented at one thing or doesn't really have a clear direction in life, that might be a more challenging prospect for a parent, because you want to encourage them to go out into the world and try and be a success at something, But you also don't want to, you know, be too relaxed and let them do whatever they want.
So I think that might be a little bit more difficult for parents to manage.
Whereas you know, if you're a parent of this supremely talented tennis player, you know what to do with that kid.
You focus everything on that sport and you say this is your career, like forever.
Give you a bit of free time to do what you want to do on the side.
But this needs to be your focus, whereas if you've just got a normal child that doesn't really know what to do or have a certain talent, that might be more difficult to manage.
Come on, most children are normal children, i know so i'm saying that's not, but i think those situations are the most difficult situations for parents Definitely, which is why we can talk about relaxed parents.
Two words for 20 minutes, because it's much more than just a label.
Every kid is different.
Every family dynamic is different.
And we need to actually deal with things on a day-to-day basis.
And we need to figure out what is the best approach to our kid.
But having different theories, having different suggestions, even having different trendy words or parenting styles, actually help us to take a pause and reflect on whether or not we're doing a good job these days.
Maybe I can adjust a little bit.
Maybe I can help my kid to get a little bit more competitive or be a little bit more relaxed.
And all that is actually the purpose that we're talking about.
We hope everyone who's listening can think about whether or not you're doing a good job.
Or if you're thinking too much, then just stop thinking and be relaxed.
And something else that I would love listeners to think about and this is something that I've thought about recently is that I often find that we are actually our harshest versions of ourselves with the people that we love the most.
And we're super polite and the nicest versions of ourselves to people we don't really care about.
Think about that the next time you interact with a loved one or family member.
Yes, you do need to confide in those people and air your grievances about a hard day with those people, etc.
But also bear in mind that the people that are closest to you are the ones that you care about the most, and you should treat them with the most love and kindness that you possibly can.
So, even as you try to help your kid live up to their best potentials, try and exercise this relaxed style and try to exercise this 举重若轻 kind of style.
In Chinese, we say you're lifting weight like it weighs nothing.
And that's Song Shigan.
Try and make it fair for the kids that you're trying to really nurture and cultivate and support.
Give them the opportunity to shine on themselves, and perhaps that's also the kind of style that parents are calling for themselves as well.
Maybe they're tired of the game being 100 or 120 at the parenting job and they just have too much of it.
They're calling for some, maybe a mid-time break.
That's it.
You're listening to Roundtable coming up Motivational Monday.
Motivational Monday, Welcome back.
This week, let's begin with Brandon.
Yes, I have a quote from the legendary, I suppose, makeup and beauty industry legend, Estee Lauder, who said I never dreamed about success.
I worked for it, which I agree with.
I think it's always good to work towards achieving something.
But I also kind of disagree with the notion that you shouldn't have a dream.
I think it needs to be a combination of the two.
So I think you should visualize what you want to achieve in your life and dream about it.
But you also need to put that hand in hand with the work that's required to achieve that dream, because there are a lot of dreamers out there that actually do nothing to go out and achieve it.
It's always just something in their mind that they would love to achieve for themselves, but they don't actually go out there and do anything to get there.
So I think it's a combination of the two.
Have a dream, visualize it, see yourself doing it and then put the steps in place to achieve it and actually action those steps.
That is quite a good quote.
Actually, i prefer the quote you're sharing today because previously you talked about imagine and visualize the dream and visualize different steps, but gradually.
My feeling is that the world is too complicated a place that your steps get interrupted instantly and you visualize step one two, three and your step one is derived from different situations and go To a different direction and you have to visualize the second step again.
But even in those scenarios, you should still keep your core dream in mind.
So yes, there will be bumps along the way.
A lot.
Yeah, and the process will change for sure, for sure.
But I think you should never lose sight of whatever your overall goal or overall dream is and be ready to deal with the bumps in the road and that sort of thing.
Yes, but it's not a clear path.
It's not a clear path.
But if you work for your dream, you would solve the problems come to your face.
You would adjust your plan according to the situation.
And maybe for some people who would really wish their plans to actually go according to plan, to not have a plan and just deal with the obstacles, that might be more mentally healthy.
Yeah.
And then, when you achieve your goal, you're probably a more stronger, experienced person and you can probably actually deal with you know, whatever success you're wanting to achieve better than you would have done if you just achieved it automatically.
Well, at this point in my life, I think it's really really important for us to have a dream because really, if you don't have a dream and you don't work for it, oftentimes you're working for somebody else's dream.
Somebody else will come and hire you to work for their dream.
And then, when you are at a certain age later in life, when you look back in your life and realize you haven't got anything done that is in your own dream, then perhaps a lot of regret is in store for you.
And you have to swallow all that up.
That's really a tough life.
Remember that, relaxed parents.
Give your kids a dream and make sure they work for it, but also be nice to them.
Be kind to your kids.
Niholi, what do you have for us?
Well, actually, recently I've been dealing with this huge task in my life and work.
Dealing with me?
No, you're the easy task.
Thank you.
You're a pleasure to work with.
Likewise, likewise.
I realized that sometimes, instead of just one quote, I would need a combination of quotes to motivate me, which is why my core quote this week is it always seems impossible until it's done.
It's from Mandela.
Hey, South African.
Yes.
It highlights the power of perseverance and belief.
And we know, Mandela faced seemingly insurmountable odds in his fight against all the situations in South Africa.
Certainly.
Yes, and his life is a testament to the fact that all these challenges often appear impossible until they are achieved through relentless effort and resilience.
And patience and perseverance.
A lot of those.
So it seems... impossible until it's done.
But what can you gain once you complete the mission impossible?
Here are my other three quotes.
And the first one being strength doesn't come from what you can do.
It comes from overcoming the things that you once thought you couldn't.
And the greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.
Finally, hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.
So what I'm trying to say here is that these hardships actually would give transformative power of hardships, and facing and enduring difficulties can prepare individuals for greatness.
So, as we reflect on these powerful quotes, it's clear that challenges and hardships are not just obstacles, but actually opportunities for growth, transformation and extraordinary achievements.
And as we move forward, let these quotes be my, and also yours, source of inspiration and motivation.
Whether if you're playing games, tackling challenges, trying to become better parents or simply navigating the complexities of daily life, we can remember that our greatest victory often come from our greatest struggles.
So there we go.
A little pick-me-up for whoever that's listening, but for those on the show as well Neil Halling and others on the team.
My quote this week is I get inspiration from the second topic that we talk about, being relaxed parents, and also, just Coincidentally, on Caixin Magazine this week, there was this article talking about how do we teach kids to make decisions for themselves?
And there are actually a few tips.
Number one is to give them the choice.
Sometimes, when you want your kids to have the ability to make choices for themselves, you need to give them opportunities to try everything that they may potentially be interested in.
And then, at the end of the day, you let them make the decision and then set certain boundaries, the certain things that they're not supposed to do.
And when the boundary is correctly and clearly defined, then the kids will know within which they should operate.
And number three is to try and help them build a sense of goal or target so they They know how to plan for themselves.
They know the necessary steps that are needed to fulfill before they can reach their goal.
And the last point is to try and build this circle of energy.
Try and make sure that Whatever they do, they get encouragement instead of criticism.
That saps their energy.
Try and empower them rather than try and undermine them.
So a lot of the very, very useful advices coming from this article on Caixin Magazine.
And I think, I hope you enjoy the show as well.
That's all the time we have for Roundtable today.
