Hi, welcome back to Eat Uracress podcast. I'm Crystal.
I'm Jisoo. I'm Eugene.
Welcome back, Eugene.
Last time you were on the podcast this last was Episode 193, Hinge Profiles in First Dates.
And today we're super excited to have you on because we have a kind of spicy array of questions to discuss.
So today's episode will dive into any sort of sticky situations regarding our X, our SO, or anything in between.
Let's start with an easy one to kind of ease us into the day.
So if you bumped into your X, would you say hi this happened a few months ago i didn't say hi oh so okay okay okay what happened was i knew she was gonna be somewhere with mutual friends i didn't know she was ready i i think i'm ready who knows maybe maybe i wasn't i don't know but like we were at the bar and i saw one of her friends i said hi and i saw her like on the other side And I was just like I'm gonna pretend we didn't see each other, you know, and maybe you didn't see me owner, you know, so in that instance, I didn't say hi, but generally I would yeah, you know?
Yeah. I live on I preach. So you didn't, but you would I mean, I feel like it depends on so much, right?
How how ready you are, how ready they are.
I feel like I try to at least keep be cautious about it and not.
but if it was like a bad breakup or if it was like, there's still some feelings or like whateverness on both sides and probably best not to.
But yeah, I guess that's fair.
The key being like if you feel ready to say hi.
Yeah, I guess. So I mean, what do you guys do in the past?
Honestly, I think I am fine with saying hi.
I think it's just it's sometimes too awkward if you clearly seen each other and you're just ignoring them like there's there's just like awkward tension that would build up so I would probably just end up saying hi and I think it breaks the ice a bit where it's like I have nothing against you we can say hi to each other what do you say after you say hi it depends on the situation like we're all crazy seeing you here haha yeah how's life then oh right yeah I mean I actually did bump into an ex before there were like a couple times one time was at a party and it was like kind of awkward because we
clearly both saw each other but no one made the move to say hi it went on for so long that i just got so uncomfortable that i was like okay if this guy's not gonna like break the ice and i i will i'll just say hi i tried to like make a joke out of it i was like hi oh wait what did i What was the joke?
You were like you're not gonna say hi?
Yeah. Oh god. And then after that we just like chatted for a bit, and it was pretty chill.
See I feel like that's like the respectable thing to do, and it's what I wish I could do, but every time I've seen my exes I've always either run away or like kind of awkwardly coexist near them if it's like a party and it's unavoidable.
and this is gonna be really crazy and double -standardy so don't come for me But even though I don't have the balls to say hi I sometimes judge my ex for not coming up and saying hi I don't have the courage to do it, but you also don't have the courage to do it.
That's crazy Yeah, it's like I don't do it.
I mean it whatever if I'd you like I thought I thought you were better than that Yeah, I got you.
Yeah. It's like, I don't know.
I feel like you want to be the bigger person and you want to be like, oh, I am comfortable saying hi.
So because, you know, I'm winning in life or whatever.
But it's here, X, that's like, the main thought that goes to my head, where it's like, at the very least, I have to act super chill and like, nothing unfazed.
I'm very demean shit, you know?
But whether that involves hanging high depends on like them two, in a way.
I don't know. I mean, maybe it's different for you guys, but like, okay, I'm the one that has broken up with most of my exes.
So I always feel like the more guilty one.
It's not up to me whether you want me to say hi type of stuff.
Oh, interesting. So does this mean there's a little bit of fear of rejection involved where maybe you feel like you're over it and you're good and you want to reach out and say hi, but But what if they are still going through shit or there's something unresolved there and they might not want to actively interact with you?
Yeah, I've never thought about it as fear of rejection, but it's definitely that to an extent.
It's also definitely a feeling of like oh, if I'm the one who broke up with you, then you or the one that has to like react to it and then like, you know, respond to it, build your own life up, do your own thing, whatever.
So like I don't want to impede on that, I guess.
but yes also fear of rejection because like i say hi like it wasn't talking to me growing wow wow wait but then even if you're the person who broke up with the other person don't you feel like you still also have to go through exactly what you said like you know rebuild no you're okay not at all i'm super chump okay okay the way i think about it is if i'm breaking up with them if i'm deciding before they do and it's not mutual then i already Kind of went through that process a bit.
Mm. I see like you had a head start.
Like you were mentally prepared for it I did have a head start.
Yeah. Yeah, I think beyond all of that though, isn't it?
Just like really awkward if you See your ex you both see each other and you just ignore each other.
It's like almost rude, right?
It's a little on who I mean, okay think about it this way I guess like in specific situations it can feel kind of rude or weird So let's say you bump into them at like a party and then you're in a circle chatting with everyone, you're just completely ignoring one person in that circle because they're your ex. It is rude, but there's ways to tiptoe around it to make it not awkward or like obvious because, you know, if you're having like a group conversation, you can respond to or react to someone saying something without actively engaging in it or even addressing them.
So for example, if we were in a group and my ex said something that was like funny I would be like oh haha, and I could even add my joke on top But I don't have to like say his name or be like oh that was a great joke.
So it's because why would you Yes, I see.
So it's like Acknowledging but not Yeah, yeah My strat is if I weren't to my exit at a party or a gathering when I'm doing my rounds I will also say hi to them But, you know, I gotta move on, cause other people say hi to but then I already did my job, I made my presence known, and now I will not talk to you for the rest of the night.
Spanish chill. Okay, I think that's totally fair, because you acknowledge them at least once.
And then, you know, from there, no one said you had to like keep talking to them.
Yeah, I've never seen a situation where like two people are exes, and they just don't even like acknowledge like ever, like, and they're like in the same room, right?
That's kind of crazy.
Right? I will admit, I've seen that before.
What do you do? Stand in middle, like, well, how do you guys know each other?
It's unique. Sometimes, at least when I've seen it, everyone in the room knows.
So it's less awkward. But I think if like no one in the room knows, it's definitely more awkward. Like, oh, is it just me?
Or like, do these people have really bad energy?
Well, that's the thing too.
If everyone in the room knows, then when you make your rounds and say hi to people, I feel like it's audience mode.
You say hi to everyone and then you get to your ex and everyone is just like staring at you.
Or even if they aren't, it just feels like that mentally.
So then I feel like it adds to the pressure of like, do I even want to say hi?
Or should I just be like, oh, I'm going to go chat the person right next to the ex up for like 20 minutes now?
Wait, so you would watch jisoo?
I feel like I would turn away from secondhand embarrassment.
Oh, I am not above They to animals in the wild But they're now looking I've gone through this kind of but like new texts where My like college group me and my acks were both in it so when we do like post college hangouts, it's a it's like a game of who replies first and And then it becomes, oh, all right, it's her hangout now, or it's my hangout based on which x replies first. I stopped doing that because after a point I was like, oh, like this is lame.
Like I wanna hear my friends too, but like for up here, like we, or like everyone in the group kind of assumed or respected that.
Whereas like, okay, like if my ex said she's down and I haven't responded yet, I'm probably not showing up.
Mm, the silent claim basically, you got it.
You got this around, you know, I'll come back stronger next round.
But dude, you're like fighting for each hangout.
It's like instant responses all the time.
The one time they like, they came back after not like seeing us for a year.
Like one of the people in the group, they're like, Oh, everyone, I haven't I miss you guys.
Haven't seen you guys in so long.
And then she replied in five minutes and I was like, well.
Well, yeah. that's when I had to be like you know what no more of this okay this is ridiculous there is kind of a weird political divide thing that does happen though like especially if you and your ex shared a bunch of different friend groups but I do have a question for you guys would you be okay if your friend got with one of your exes I think honestly this really depends on the ex Oh, not the friend and maybe the friend to Which is more important the friend with the ex. I think the ex is probably more important at first How long you dated and like you know, how deep was that relationship if it
was like, you know It was some random high school ex that you don't really care about anymore It really doesn't matter like no matter who your friend is probably for the most part and then you know after that level It would be like how close are you to that friend?
So I guess for ease of the question, let's say this friend is someone who knows you pretty well and has definitely seen and known that you've dated this guy.
It's not like she's belatedly like oh my god, like I had no idea you dated him.
It's like she knew, and you know she knew.
She was there. She hung out with you guys.
I think it's still same.
Like it still depends on the relationship and the friendship.
do you care if she asks for your permission or not ooh I okay I feel like that's such a hard position to be in but I get the intention because like the intention is good right you're like oh I just want to let you know that I know you dated this person and you know whatever is happening but then also suddenly what like you're the decision maker for their entire relationship you're the final stamp of approval yeah I mean I feel like it's probably a nice thing to do to like inform you at least let you know before it gets like super serious like hey I'm talking to this person you guys probably you guys
date it I know you know but yeah I don't cause it's like okay what if one of your friends is like a dog and you know this you know I mean like like like y 'all you you guys were very close.
But you know that person they can get into they're like maybe not boyfriend girlfriend material.
Dude honestly there's only so much you can do.
It's out of your hands.
Who are you to meddle in their lives?
That's true. I'm with Krystal I think on the general principles of this.
Maybe I'm the only petty one because I feel like it would really bother me.
I thought you were so quiet the whole time.
You were just like no, no bitch. He's like hey you guys agree.
I mean here's the thing like you said but like what are you gonna do about it?
If they are meant to be, or whatever, all power to them.
But I feel like it's definitely gonna be one of those things that's like, you know, like a juicy gossip story.
So then on those late night outs, or if you're like drinking, it's like a fun party story to share to be like, oh my God, guess what's up.
Like, isn't it crazy?
And I would just at the very least gossip a little bit about it.
Okay, I mean, I would definitely be bothered if it was like a meaningful relationship and it was like a close friend.
I'd probably be like wait what the fuck why are you trying to date my ex right true I think like there's definitely a spectrum of where I do care and where I don't care that's true I feel like ideally you would know about this like way before they start dating because if it's a close friend they'd be like hey for some weird fucking reason I'm hanging out with their ex again and then oh for some weird reason I think they're cute and then you get you get to like slowly be let down versus just like out of nowhere.
Yeah, I think it's just like logically you're like okay, who am I to like mettle in their lives, right.
But then feeling wise, you can't help what you feel.
So sometimes you'll definitely feel like kind of bothered or like petty about it or upset about it.
Yeah, I think in a lot of ways complicated feelings about this is very natural.
It's like this person was in a specific role in your life and the other person was too, now things are morphing.
So it's like what the fuck especially if there wasn't that long in between like your breakup with this person and these two people getting together.
That would be fucked up.
I think that would bother me for sure.
If it's like many many years later you would hope that you're in a healthier spot and you're like more okay with it.
Maybe it would feel a little weird at first, but like you would be able to quickly get over it.
Yeah. Is it ever okay for Or you're like, want like your best friend or one of your close friends to like immediately start dating your ex?
Right? Honestly, yeah, probably not.
They can wait. Yeah.
But also like, if you broke up with someone, your best friend probably knows all the gory details and it's like, oh really?
You're gonna date them after all that.
And I think it would be very hard for me to not think like, okay, so the whole time I dating this guy like were you crushing on him or something like even if that was not even close to the truth like i would still think that this has happened to me before the guy wasn't like a close friend but he was like one of my ex's friends and like you know we got along stuff but like when me and my ex went on a break for like a month or something and during that month he like started like hitting on her.
And then we got back together.
And like I was like, Oh, I know about this.
And then we like broke up, like officially, and then they got together.
It didn't feel great, but it was also like, I mean, it's not like he said, like you don't have any like say in their lives, or Max's life, right?
Right. You can do whatever she wants.
It is really funny, though, the power that you have like, one time I picked him up from a party, like I know he was like walking out of a party, and I saw him, and I was driving and I was like, you want to ride?
And he Just like in the car.
I was like show how is x Good like, yeah, it's like I know you hit out.
I knew I knew you had fun You're like messing with him Yeah, it was fun.
I actually did have a situation back in high school Me and a good friend ended up dating like the same guy I dated him shortly after she dated him But it was kind of like I wasn't really sure what was happening yet Like cuz you know, we're in high school.
We're like stupid. We don't know how to date people So it was during that like talking phase and I guess my my friend caught wind of it And she was actually so nice about it.
She texted me and said like oh by the way, like I heard that UNX are talking.
I just want to say like it's not an issue with me if you were to choose to like date That's sweet.
So I thought that was like really nice of her.
That's very mature especially for high school.
Mm -hmm Yeah! And it's great because I think a few years later we like, we're bonding over it.
We're like, dude, yeah, like, that dude that we used to date.
What the fuck? What came over us by then?
Okay, so I want to ask kind of the inverse of this question, which is what if you met your new SO through an ex?
You're dating someone and then you broke up with them but you stayed close to or reconnected with your ex's friend and hit it off and now you're dating like is that weird do you think you're kind of obligated to feel guilty about it or is it like fair game?
A true love is true love.
You know what I mean?
I can't control that shit.
That's crazy. I think once again it depends on like how close they are to that ex. If they're like very peripheral friends maybe I'd feel less you know weird about it maybe even not obligated to share that information to them but I guess if there were like really close friends I would feel pretty weird about it yeah yeah I guess at the very least it's just like a hilarious situation where maybe on anniversaries you would like reminisce and be like oh remember when we met through this one guy I feel like some of the most successful relationships I've heard are like that and they come from that situation I
don't know why, maybe it's a concerning trend.
But it seems to work.
So it can't hit on it.
It kind of makes sense in a lot of ways, just because I feel like you're attracted to a certain type of person, usually and maybe like the deviations from that standard are very minimal.
Naturally, your SOs friends might be similar or like have similar values as your SO.
Also, like, I assume a lot of people, their friends are mostly like in their own life like their guys they like have a lot of guy friends or vice versa so it's like if you date someone then you get to meet a lot of your your girlfriends like girlfriends and it's like oh like that's this is a more a larger number of people right they opened up the pool for you do low key right so wait this is like strategic dating if you're a if you were a complete dog this is the way to this is the way to do it to date people to date their friend oh my god you see this is why i don't like dating people who have mutual friends
because i don't like these sticky situations where like oh my god like this person actually knows my ex or like oh my god this person like knows half of my friend group they have this like context of me already yeah that's true do you guys like going to relationships and stuff as like a fresh, clean slate.
You only know me through the context of us dating and nothing else.
For me, yes. I think I'm probably the opposite.
So for me, if I found out that this new person I'm dating has a bunch of mutuals and stuff, that would totally be a green flag.
Oh, we run in the same circles.
But like you said, it gets messy sometimes.
Living in the nuance is very fun, so I don't know.
I'm probably more on Jooju's side where when I go on Hinge dates or even when I meet a new person that has no connections with, it's really hard to take what they say at their word, ever.
You just don't know, right?
But at least their friend is vetted.
And there's so much more tea that comes if you guys actually date.
So you have someone to tell and they can actually provide context and shit.
It's amazing. I guess that's true.
They have like another perspective of like, you know, the current goss Yeah, if all you live for is the goss this is like the best way to do it make the wires super cross and complicated I I guess I just like the idea of getting to know someone Um kind of brand new versus Hearing about this person from everyone else like oh you're dating this person?
Like I went to high school with them and then they start sharing all these stories and i'm like, okay I don't know if I necessarily wanted her character to be colored by that before I you know got to know them dude, I do It makes it so much more fun.
I Think to be fair.
I'm also like a friend ater so then it wouldn't be like a stranger to me like I probably would have known these people and friends already so For me it wouldn't be that Big of a difference to like hear about this person because we we would already have some sort of like established relationship already.
Right, that's fair.
I guess mine also goes hand in hand with the fact that I'm not a friend -dater.
You're a stranger, Dater.
That doesn't roll off the tongue as easily.
It sounds a little sus, but you do, you.
I do have another like sticky situation question for you all.
If you met someone who you know is acquainted with your ex, x?
Could you acknowledge that?
So like a friend of x?
Yeah. So let's say like, you've met this person before, at like a party or something?
And then now you're, you know, meeting them again at another party?
And they are, you know, they're like friends with your ex, would you acknowledge that connection?
Or just pretend you've never met them before?
Okay, so this is where earlier, I was saying, like, Oh, like, I can I want to appear like the bigger person, whatever I am actually, it doesn't fucking matter.
I want to appear like I got my shit together and stuff.
This is where it like ultimately matters.
Like in front of the friends, I can't like cuz I know what's going to happen.
They'd be like, oh my god, I ran to like this, but I ran to Eugene.
He was being so weird. Nope.
I'm gonna go up there.
I know people I'm dapping people up.
I'm being super chill.
I see you. Hey, long time no see how you've been right?
Like, right? And then what can they do if they're weird than, hey, I got shit to tell my people, right.
It's it's a win -win to to be chill.
And it's also like, I mean, I assume you have no weird feelings about your ex's friend, right.
So I don't think it's that hard to act normal unless you did some weird shit with your ex and then you know that they know it.
But that's like your problem.
You shouldn't do that.
I don't know. I feel like I'm like chronically unchill unfortunately, so chronically and chill was a crazy thing.
That's so insane. Like if I could be like Eugene, I would.
But if this person I only like kind of know, I would probably just reintroduce myself.
And obviously we're friendly.
I won't be weird. I won't be like stand offish but I'll just be like, hi, I'm GC and nice to meet you.
And like, fresh slate.
And maybe later in the night things loosen up a little bit.
I might mention the X, but probably wouldn't.
Wait, so would you pretend that like, that X didn't exist?
Yeah, maybe I think from then, Yeah, we went to like, yeah, I met you through like, oh, who fucking knows anyways?
No, because yeah, I'm, I'm worried sometimes that it's like, what if they go back and they're hanging out with, you know, whoever, they're like, dude, that was weird. Crystal just like, doesn't remember me, I guess, when we obviously met like a handful of times, right?
Okay. I guess I'm assuming that this is someone who I've maybe met once and had minimal interactions with, but I just know that they're an ex's friend.
If we had been somewhat friends or even acquaintances, I would probably say something like, oh, it's been so long since I've seen you and elude to the fact that it's because of the breakup or whatever.
That's fair. That's fair.
I've been in a situation where I've met someone who knows my boyfriend's ex. They were meeting for the first time, like my boyfriend and that person were meeting for the first time in probably like 10 years And I was like, dude, does this girl like remember you?
Like does she know you?
And he was like, I don't know, like we met once or twice like in passing And I was like, dude, what are you gonna do?
Like are you gonna acknowledge this or like say hi?
It was weird going into it.
I was definitely overthinking it a lot.
And I was excited to spectate what would happen Audience mood.
Yeah, what's the worst thing that can happen from like, you see like, your ex is like, according to such friend and you decide to say something?
Like, what's the worst case scenario that I would like, to track you from wanting to do anything?
Wait, I feel like I can instantly think of one thing.
For example, they're like, Oh, I didn't even realize that you were this person's ex, or whatever.
Like, maybe they like, really don't know.
And then now there's like, this whole story.
And you're like, Oh, like, should I dive into it?
Or whatever. I guess, like another would be what if they actually like hate you and they're like, oh my god Like what is this person doing here again, but bigger person right because you don't hate them if you didn't do anything wrong That is true.
That is true they shouldn't hate you unless your ex was the one that was like stunk in their hands Oh, but again, it's like you're so unbothered and chill that like they're just hating you for no reason You're just having fun and they're being like weird and glaring at you like what what's up with that, right?
That's fair I think like these are probably more manageable when you know your breakup is like a pretty Mature one and like one that didn't cause any like crazy rifts But if you had like kind of a bad breakup where people end up really hating each other Then it's kind of more scary to think about like, oh my god Should I be interacting with this person's friends when they obviously hate me?
Have you guys ever had to?
Uh meet your ex's ex. Whoa No, i've never Personally have not but I have had an ex meet one of my exes when we were dating Okay.
Yeah, so so I am your ex in that situation.
Wait. No wait No, no, no, no. Sorry this got really confusing I I I was that I was I met my ex's ex once Oh and I've been once this, I'm currently living in this right now.
My ex is ex is friends with my friends.
So I see him at parties all the time now.
And like I've heard about this guy for so long and hurt so much shit like all this stuff, you know, it does one thing when I'm like, Oh my gosh, she's gonna talk about me the same way.
That's crazy. Because he's pretty chill honestly, and I was like, Wow, you're not exactly what my egg said.
So now I know that that's fine.
But it's also really fun to like I like we'll just be like hey Yeah, how do I know you again?
Oh, that's right. Yeah and just make it uncomfortable one time I took a picture with him at a party and I was like I'm a sentence in my ex if you like don't drink oh my god, wait, that's so wait.
Did you actually send it?
No, no No, I do have the picture though.
It is a crazy picture It also you know what does it also makes you look at yourself and be like wow.
I'm a type I'm I am a subset of a of a personality that because because I see this guy and i'm like I see okay.
I see it. I see it like We're both like the same.
Hi, like okay. All right Yeah, that's so funny.
Honestly And okay. Do you like have you ever talked about your ex with this guy like oh did she do this and this Oh, you know what?
Not like specific things, but we would like we're I think we're both respectable enough to not be like we're not airing shit out right?
But then like something would happen and then it would be related to like my ex and then I give him a look he'd be like yeah I know right?
That's all we need to say that's it.
Move on. This is wild.
I feel like it's like new nightmare unlocked.
It's so funny though.
It's really funny. You should experience it once if you never have. It's great.
I feel like if you're both exes it can be funny and like you can bond over But if like someone's currently dating that person and the other person's an ex then it might be a little awkward That's true Yeah, I think that's what you just have to just pull out the bigger person thing again Where it's like I'm like, you no matter like what you've heard about me or or like how I may appear whatever I'm going to be a normal person and it's up to you to be the weird one And you do then like hey like you know, good luck with that, right?
Mm -hmm Okay, so I want to pivot a little bit away from exes and more about how we handle situations in current relationships.
I'm going to introduce the Perilla Leaf situation to us all.
Um, and for some context, this is like a hypothetical situation that blew up in Korea as like, kind of like a test to see how different people react to the same type of like weird situation, but perla leaves are a banchan or a side dish that often comes out with Korean food and the interesting thing about it is it's really thin layers of leaves and it's all marinating in the sauce so sometimes if you want to just pick one up it's not like a solo act.
You could be struggling and then you need someone else's set of chopsticks to hold down the other leaves so that you can just peel one.
So that's cultural context for you guys.
I'm reading a sub stack about this right now.
Oh, a whole sub stack about it.
So say you are eating dinner with a group of friends and your so is there and, across from you, someone is struggling to pick up some food.
Would you care if your Esso helps that person and puts their chopsticks on the thing to like help them peel off that leaf?
I think I wouldn't care too much, but it also kind of depends on like, the follow -up.
Is your SO really paying attention to this person and that's why they were doing that.
Or was it just in act of kindness and it's like, okay whatever.
True, why are you watching this person and what kind of punch hunt they're eating?
Yeah, you're like, okay suddenly you're moving all the punch on to them and giving them napkins and their triceps and stuff, what's going on?
But what if they're really good friends and your SO is just a really attentive and nice person?
And then it matters situationally like, oh, you are caring for this person more than you're caring for me, when I should be your priority, then that's where it's like, okay, it's like starting to feel a little weird. But if it's just like normal friendly behavior, then I think it's like very understandable.
True. I think I might know a similar situation where it would probably depend on how secure I feel in this relationship and how my SO normally is, but I think I would also feel like, okay, there's all these people at this dinner table and of all of us, you're the one who has to put your chopsticks out for this girl to pick up her leaf.
How come the other nine people at this table aren't doing anything?
Hey man, one person's like across Diagonality.
They can't reach okay.
Then walk over. Hey, you know what?
That's why you date him.
He's the one with initiative, right?
You date a man that knows what he wants.
I think the ideal situation here is like another girlfriend would help, right?
Mmm. True, true. Or it's like you see your SOs chopsticks going, you like smack them out of the way and you put yours there.
You're like, I can be Chivalrous too.
Yeah. What if what if he uses the back of his chopstick, respectfully?
Oh, I mean, it's still it's the action that matters, right?
Yeah. Ask me questions about the situation.
So okay, firstly, for like a girl or like like the opposite, like same same sexual preference as as your what your SO is into, right?
like if it's a dude, if it's a straight guy and it's a straight guy, then it's like whatever.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, and also what if he does this for maybe not every girl but like enough for like, it's like he just does it all the time.
Oh, like a pattern.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I don't know.
It's like then why are you the Perilla Man?
Like just eat your own meal, I don't understand.
Perilla Man. Yeah, give the other single people a chance to back that person.
Exactly. Interesting, interesting.
I actually have a situation that happened to me once that kind of bothered me.
We were eating at a restaurant and there's this certain side dish that I really like.
And then my boyfriend at the time was like, oh my god, you really liked this side dish and pushed it towards another girl.
Oh, oh, I thought you were gonna say to you, that's not okay.
I would fail all of your tests.
If you ever ate Korean food together.
Oh my god I've never considered these things.
I think the logic is kind of like do I want to date a nice man?
Yes, of course manners and being polite are super important But you don't want to date like someone who's nice to everyone equally then it's like am I even special Or are you literally the Perla man?
I get what you mean.
I Is this other person on the top of the list when I have this preference that you should know?
Yeah, okay. Eugene's like really thinking about all his relationships.
Yo, okay, okay, cause, okay.
And GSU probably knows this better, like a lot of my close friends are girls and like, these are people that I've known for like, a long time, right?
Right. So, if I was in this situation, I would be like, oh yeah, of course I know what you want, I've fucking known you for 10 years, you know, like that type of thing and like, I've, I've talked about with like with my like girl space friends too, like these situations, I totally get the idea that like, Oh, you want to feel special, right?
So it's like if you're being the same way to everyone, especially everyone, but like, in my case to all the girls or whatever it's like, that is, it's not like it's not that that's not weird. The weird part is you're not being extra something to your so I totally get that but it's also like if I've been dating like someone for like less than a year and they're expecting me to like not treat my friends more specially that I've known for 10 years I mean I'm like you know they're like I've known them for 10 years in a way right of course I don't feel great if I have to like drop my level of comfort
with my friends so that it's so that the level of my SEO is higher Yeah, like it has to be earned in the same way.
I think I think that's fair.
A big disagreement.
I think it's fair. And I think people have different comfort levels.
I can imagine like the types of girls that you date would be people who are more comfortable with stuff like that.
Like for me personally, I fully acknowledge.
Like I can be a little petty and I can be jealous.
So then I feel like I need someone who can make me feel secure and maybe avoid some of these situations where I'm like, Oh, I don't feel super comfortable with that.
But then if this was like reversed for you, Eugene, like what if you're dating someone and then this girl's constantly dropping you to go hang out with her guy friends who she's been friends with like for 10 years, you would be okay with that.
Yeah. Oh Well, like like I mean if she's like backing out of our hangouts and hang out with them, then that's fucked up But like like if there's a pie chart of her priorities and her priority with that with hang out friends With with like her lifelong friends or like people that she trust and cares about is this big?
I don't expect to like take a big part of that pie chart until I'm also at that level with her which is like who knows how long that takes but I I feel like the whole being nice to everyone thing.
I feel like there is a way to treat someone special, but it doesn't have to come at the expense of your other friends.
Like I'm aware of that like, this is getting too deep into it.
But you know how a lot of people say it's like, oh, your girlfriend or boyfriend should be your best friend type of thing.
And it's like, yeah.
But if your best friend was the person of the opposite gender, The way you treat them is low key similar to how you would treat your SL I think it to some some extent right just because how much you carry by each other There's like an extra layer though that's like you only do with their SL and that's the part where I think is you know stuff like Do it's even hard to say right now I don't know exactly what it is but it's like, you know, there's some things that as friends you guys just won't you you won't touch because you know, There's a level of like personal privacy or space and that's where you
can like show that's your SL I think, but if we're just eating fucking perilla leaves, you know?
I'll do this for all everyone I care about.
So I'll include my SO into this.
I'll also do this for you.
But like, it's weird if you do it for your friends but not your SO.
That's weird. Mm -hmm.
Yeah, I think I get what you're saying.
You're like, I will continue to treat my friends well, but I'm not going to like lower them just because I'm dating someone.
Right, yeah. Yeah. And that doesn't mean that you're mistreating the person you're dating.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
I feel like it's also a little bit hard to conceptualize this.
Cause it's not like we're eating pearl leaves super often.
So let me try to convert this into a more common situation that we might run into.
So say you're at like an outdoor thing, like outdoor dinner, or maybe like an outdoor party or something, and it's getting a little cold.
Would you feel okay with your SO Oh, lending their jacket to another girl or I guess vice -versa of like your SO wearing another guy's jacket.
Yes. Generally yes.
It depends on how cold each person is, but also traditionally girls don't give guys jackets as much, right?
So like I only know about from like me giving a jacket to someone or like a guy from giving jacket to my SO.
That stuff's fine. As long as they're still like either the same or like more care for the SO in those cases.
I'm not mistreating or neglecting my SSO as long as that's happening, that's fine.
I have had an instance where I gave my jacket to a friend and then the friend's SO didn't give and because he didn't realize she was cold, but I did because we've been friends for a long time.
All right. Okay. I can sense that shit.
A .K. She was shivering.
What if you just told her S .O.
Hey, maybe you should give her your jacket?
She looks cool. Okay, so this is where the guy bring comes in, right?
All right. So, yes, what I did, I knew it was kind of weird, because afterwards the guy was like apologizing to me.
Oh. He was like, oh, I'm so sorry, I should have done that, you know?
And I was like, bro, I've known her for so much longer than you.
And also, like, it's chill.
Like, Like, I'm happy for you guys.
You guys are great.
Just really cute together, but it wasn't a big deal, right?
But I thought about, I think, if I was like, hey, you should give her your jacket, that's...
I think maybe among girls that would be more like, that, like, girl code, that would be a bit more understandable.
But like, I feel like among guy code, it would be like, bro, why are you telling me how to like, do my relationship?
Like, they get defensive about it.
Right, like why are you telling me how to be a boyfriend?
Like I, right. It's like I'm not asking for advice like let me do my thing I don't know which one is better But the way I thought about was like okay I'm just like I did it so quickly and without thinking that like it's hard It's hard for it to seem like I was doing it with attention Okay, I have a solution potential solution you just ask really loudly.
Oh my god, are you cold?
I I totally get what you mean though, like sometimes it can come off as a oh, yeah like what are you why are you trying to tell me what to do?
I don't know, dude.
I think it's like a little weird It goes back to the whole thing of like of all the people here like you have to be the one to give up your job, and I know you're the jacket man Like why am I dating fucking mr. jacket over here.
And the thing is, if it was truly like really freezing, and this girl was like, unwell, showing signs of hypothermia, yes, of course, I'm not being like, Oh, like you still can't give the jacket.
But at the end of the day, there's other jackets out there.
So if I choose, I would prefer it to not be my SEO is jacket.
But if it has to be that so be it.
Okay, question. Would you be equally or similarly bothered if your SL gave his jacket to someone, but you weren't there?
Oh my god, but how did I find out about it?
Like, okay for example, a picture, a picture.
Or like, I live near a concert venue.
So when my friends go to the concert venue, sometimes I walk them back and I'll bring a jacket for them.
um but like if i was dating someone i would still do the same thing but that's like is that equally as like ooh why are you doing that i don't know i feel like it almost depends on my mood because sometimes i'm like oh it's gonna be cold like we should bring all our jackets and like make sure everyone's warm or whatever but other times like i just don't think i have the capacity to be okay with that like maybe it's just like how it tastes at least you know yourself okay what if it was like this We were like at your house Jisoo yeah and then like no one brought jackets And so now you're just handing
out jackets from your closet Okay, if it's like a bulk like jacket donation.
I think But then why would she not wear my jacket?
You know what I mean?
Like my clothes are here, too.
How about both of both of them are getting handed out like your clothes Okay, we all know this like boyfriend hoodies get different oh See, exactly.
It's a boyfriend hoodie.
There's like meaning behind it, you know?
Or just comfort and practicality, but yes, there's also meaning behind it.
Yeah, dude. It's never a guy friend hoodie.
It's like boyfriend.
I give all my girls based friends my hoodies.
I know. I know. You're every boyfriends public enemy number one.
I am a nightmare. I am, I am a problem.
But, but I feel like it...
Like again back to the bigger person thing I don't ever do any such shit because I don't want to do any such shit, right?
And like there there are like the prep boundaries where it's like my friend is dating someone She's not sleeping over ever if she was single maybe if I sleep over like if it's convenient but like I am aware of the optics for those things but like when it comes to stuff like the jacket stuff or the Crilla leaf stuff.
I feel like it's almost better to normalize it to a starting set Oh, you know what?
It's also cuz I'm dealing with guys you guys are dealing with girls, right?
So I feel like for a guy it's easier for the girl to be like For my friend who is the girl to be like, hey, like obviously nothing stuff Nothing is weird. You're being weird and the guy has just take that.
Yeah, I just think what the jacket thing I Could give my jacket to her and that I could wear my SS jacket like there's like workarounds, you know, I mean But that's like an extra jacket pass.
All right. I mean, this is right.
I'm just I'm just saying what if she was like 5..11 at like Hella Tall and like your jacket isn't there.
Yeah. That's crazy.
What if earlier in the night you're not cold yet.
So then your S .O. gives their jacket to someone else, but then you get cold.
Like are you allowed to take the jacket back?
That is insane. Excuse me?
That's my man's jacket.
Can I get that back?
Your lease is up. Jacket eviction.
See, this is why it's just better to not do this shit at all.
Like, it's too complicated.
And now I'm, like, mad at this hypothetical situation.
I think there should be a base here.
If you're the one to lend out the jacket or whatever, and your SO does not have a jacket that night, then you should be prepared to lend it to them over anyone else Right, but I guess if your SO already has a jacket and is prepared for that night Then maybe it's like slightly more okay to lend your jacket out.
Yeah, I have a solution From the guy side I guess cuz like I this is more of a like the guy can fuck up here, right?
You wear two jackets for the friend One for the so it's a you know, you can layer up look a little nice and stuff right?
But like, you know, first jacket goes out, whoever needs it.
But you have an emergency jacket if your SO needs it, right?
And usually like the it's usually like the not as thick layer so you can also like hug her and be like, ah, we're in this together type shit like, like there's so many ways to do this.
Like, it's like, you know, just like sweating all night, like bullets all night.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hey, you do.
Hey, I'm trying to treat you right.
I do I sacrifice for you that one.
I think is a little Hmm, I don't know like you specifically planned for another girl No, no, no. No. No, you specifically plan it could be it could be a guy too I give my guy friends jackets.
I usually say no because like, you know toxic masculinity, but I offer still either way Like I mean, I think the idea here.
Okay, I guess you're right.
It could be another guy but if it was like another girl it's the fact that they anticipated like giving away two jackets like counter counter objection okay if we're going out and it's like a bunch of guys a bunch of girls or whatever right let's say i'm going out with my so and also like some of my girlfriend's girl space friends right a lot of times girls go out right you don't look good like you don't bring the extra layer i don't think it's crazy to me to be like oh one of them might need a jacket Dude, but you're now literally Jacketman, you know what I mean?
Yeah, and, and so what?
Alright, I got a lot of jackets.
What can I say? I think a better solution is you can tell your girlspace friends.
Maybe you guys should bring a jacket, I can carry them for you.
Ooh, that's a good one.
I don't want to do that.
Well, you're only wearing two jackets.
No, no, it'll be like, it'll be like a puffer in like a flannel, you know, like, it'll be like, it'll look good.
it looked natural, you know, it's like do see Eugene is like, I can do it for another girl, but suddenly all these girls know, like, well, I'll see the difference.
I'll carry my own jacket too.
But I don't want to like be like that thing's weird to be like, Oh, I'll let me carry all the girls jackets.
Yeah, let me let me be the fucking basket for you to carry stuff in.
But that's kind of what you're volunteering to do without telling them by bringing Yeah, so like so many backups.
I am preparing myself for anything that can happen.
But it's like I want my man to just be prepared for me at the end of everything.
I'm prepared for all my friends and also and also my SL, but also all my friends.
Okay, back to the thing of like how like if if if it's like my lifelong friends, someone who like I trust more than my SL, I don't feel good about like preparing for my SL when if I was single I would prepare for my friend, if that makes sense.
I would try to consider both at least. I think it does make sense but I feel like there is a line where at a certain point you're like, maybe potentially overstepping?
Oh yeah for sure. If your friend had an SO and he was uncomfortable with that like you would maybe stop, right?
But what if it's like the same thing but inverse, like your SO might be uncomfortable with it, would you stop?
If my SL has trouble with me giving out jackets?
Yeah, yeah. Like in that situation.
Okay, let me sorry, let me be clear.
I've never done this.
Like, I've never done this before.
I don't believe you.
No, no, no. Okay, I don't.
There's three plans in action.
No, I don't. Okay. I have like the concert situation, right?
Like when like, if I'm walking to girl space friends home, then I'll wear double jackets in case they both want a jacket.
But I've never had a case where I have to like choose between my SL and my friends.
Oh, I see. I see. Yeah, and I didn't prepare that.
But, but I think points don't stand to what extent I just think that, like, there is a way to, how do I say there, there has to be some way to look out for your friends.
Or like, if your friends, your friend needs something like a jacket, you can even you're able to offer it, but not in a way that's like you're doing it because your so is it like, there's all factors, right?
Again, if all your friends are going out, and, like, you know, we're all gonna be cold, then, like, I will be prepared to get my SO in my jacket.
I will also prepare, potentially, for one of my friends, but, like, you know, I'm not gonna neglect my SO.
Hmm. Interesting. Am I the bad guy here?
Like two sides of the jacket spectrum.
Yeah. I think, I think, ultimately, though, it's just that, like, you probably want to be more prepared for your SO I guess versus anyone else like why are you responsible for everyone else.
That is also true. Yeah, I agree.
Yeah, I guess like the best situation would be your SO notices some other girl is cold and she's like hey you should lend her your jacket.
Yeah that happens a lot too right.
Yeah, I think that's like very.
Yeah, that's like perfectly fine.
Mm -hmm. Oh is it worse if she doesn't stay that and you do it without her at like what what if she was just going to say it but then you do it first?
Does that feel weird?
Yeah. The instant yes.
Okay, I'm just talking about preferences here.
I'm not saying my guy would be like banned or restricted.
It's just like when I prefer for him to not always be like looking out for the cold woman in the crowd like probably.
She respects women.
What a good guy. I like I like that guy.
I was a walking thermometer.
Yeah, dude. He's tapped in he's wearing five jackets You got the ultralight down in his pockets like he's ready He's like Jesus check these out.
I bought these zip up jackets for His cargo pants are like filled Man Yeah, I think for me like to wrap it all up I I am probably not super bothered by it, but if the jacket were to go out to someone else and I might need it later, then that's kind of a no. That's bad.
Yeah. And that's why you bring two jackets.
I'm just saying. All right, I have a final question for us all.
What is something that's maybe kind of specific or niche that you would consider towing the line?
You know something that's like not great behavior if my SO is Doing something with like someone else like another guy that she doesn't do with me But it's like something that like I like doing oh Yeah, I don't have a concrete example, but like, I don't know stuff some like something similar has happened before where it's like Oh, maybe like I like going to a certain type of like concert and she is like, oh she's not into it she doesn't go but she does go with someone else and it's like I thought you were about that shit well I happened you know?
That's a good one. Mine's kind of more generic but I feel like if maybe like you're at some social gathering or an event or whatever and your SO is like busy talking with someone else the whole time.
Ooh that's a good one.
okay mine is um maybe kind of silly but i think if your s o is carpooling with someone a lot and it's like just one on one specifically kind of suss okay i feel like this is also very applicable to you because i know you enjoy being passenger princess oh my god so true, call it out like can you explain that how do you what do you mean you enjoy being passenger princess like jisoo prefers not to drive yeah yeah oh is that okay yeah so it's like if her so is like specifically not driving jisoo who is he like why is he not driving jisoo you know like why is it someone that's right there's another
passenger princess that's not you yes why am i passenger princess number one i should be like the only passenger uh what if wait okay what if he is passenger princess to someone else a lot?
whoa I guess that's fine but I think for the most part like like I would prefer to be carpooling with my SO so then if there's like some situation where my carpool I mean my SO is always carpooling with someone I feel like it would be a little weird. oh wait also I guess if your SO is being the passenger princess to someone else, like you should also be there.
But yeah. Where the fuck am I?
You're this. What if you know what if what if they care about the planet?
They are co workers.
Hey, like HOV lane?
Oh, wait. It is three plus now.
So it doesn't back in the day when it wasn't three plus, right.
It's invalid now. Without in 2009.
All right. We're in 2009 right now.
OK, and they go to work together and she drives them every day.
2009 bro worth 13. You know what?
You know what? That's a good point.
I have no retort for that point.
That is really correct.
I feel like my learning from all of this is we all have like very different lines of what's okay and what's not.
So it was really funny for me to hear our various takes on the jacket stuff, the Perla leaf stuff and everything in between.
And I think ultimately, it s just that you have to communicate these boundaries to your SO.
So, you know, no matter your preference, as long as you both are on the same page, and it s been communicated, then there s definitely workarounds.
I think you need to buy less jackets.
Well, thank you, Eugene, for coming on today to talk through all of these various sticky situations for any of our listeners out there.
If you have any thoughts on the hot ticks that we shared today, definitely feel free to hit us up.
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