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There's a lot of talk about mindfulness these days, which is fantastic.
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We say we want those things, but when we experience in reality, a lot of people say,
are they so kind, they're so sweet, they're boring, and then the other person who's not
kind and sweet, they're exhilarating.
It's a really weird contrast in how we say we want someone who's kind, we want someone
who's thoughtful, but then when we experience them reality, it's not fun.
There's no chemistry.
There's no spark, right?
And then we often go for the person who's not kind, not nurturing, not empathetic.
What I'm getting at here is the number one health and wellness podcast.
J. Shetty.
J. Shetty.
He won the only J. Shetty.
Hey everyone.
Welcome back to on purpose.
I'm your host, J. Shetty.
Thank you so much for turning up for yourself, for turning up to the on purpose show.
I am so grateful that you're here with me right now.
Have your single and you're trying to figure out how to find your person, this episode
is for you.
If you're recently single and you're trying to figure out what's going wrong, what mistakes
are we making, this episode is for you.
And even if you're dating someone, even if you're married, but you're trying to figure
out how to deepen your connection, how to understand more, maybe you're even questioning
whether you're with the right person, this episode is for you.
I want to dive in to some really interesting research today and the research comes from
the Pew Research Center and it talks about what men, most value in women and what women
most value in men.
Now I have to come clean with you to start off with.
Last night, my wife, my brother-in-law and my sister-in-law made me watch my first ever
episode of Love Island.
I think it's season six of the USA version of the show.
I'd never watched an episode before in my life.
And again, today's episode is not inspired by that, by any means, but it was just fascinating
to me as to how after years and years of research, technological advancement and everything
else.
Even just seeing what works and what doesn't work, what we focus on about other people is
so limited and so limiting.
And it led me to go down this rabbit hole when I was thinking about this episode today
and researching for the episode and asking myself, what is it that we say is most important
to us in a potential partner?
But then how do we get carried away with what we're attracted to?
Right?
And what is the difference between what we say is important to us in a partner and then
how do we get carried away with what we get attracted to?
And I think what I was originally thinking about was this idea that we almost know what's
good for us, but we want what's bad for us.
We know what's good for us, but we ignore all of that if there's something attractive,
if there's something shiny, if there's something exciting, if there's something invigorating,
we're willing to give up all of our good, common sense.
Now let's actually look at the research.
This was what traits or characteristics do you think people in our society are most attracted
to?
So what do you think men value most in women?
Number one thing that came out, what do you think it is?
It was 35% said physical attractiveness is the most important thing they value in a woman.
I'm not surprised by that.
And I think you hear that a lot.
You see that a lot.
I think that has led to so many challenges in our society where there's so much pressure
on appearance.
There's so many enhancements of appearance like it all becomes about that.
Now when women were asked what they most value in men, what do you think that was?
33% said honesty and morality.
Now that's a really interesting one because I think you end up watching videos on TikTok
and on social media and you see everyone talking about how the height is the most important
thing.
And I think that's the most important thing which we'll get to in a second.
We're talking about who's paying on the first day.
It's really interesting what cultural conversations spiral online versus what we say in a questionnaire.
And I feel like there's a disconnect there.
I think what's really interesting to me is you could go down this list and have someone
take a lot of it and then find them not that you find them unattractive but they don't
take this really artificial box like someone's height doesn't define the quality of your
relationship.
It just doesn't right.
It's almost like saying I will drink a bottle of water because it's taller than the other
bottle but they both have the same amount of water in it.
If you have two bottles and they both have 500 milliliters of water in it but one's
taller one shorter you choose the taller one but it doesn't change your experience of
the water.
It doesn't change your experience of drinking.
It doesn't change the quality of the water within.
And I think for so many of us who have been burned in relationships who constantly feel
that we're going after the wrong thing.
How many of you can relate to that?
Will you keep saying, Jay, you know what?
I just keep picking the wrong person.
I keep tripping myself up.
I know I keep making mistakes.
It's because we're focusing on the taller bottle of water.
So I want to ask you what is your tall bottle of water?
What is that trip up for you?
What is that thing that keeps like Muhammad Ali said the pebble in your shoe?
What is that?
That keeps giving you that discomfort.
That keeps tripping you up.
That keeps making you make the wrong decision because we say one thing but then we follow
the other.
I'm not saying that physical attractiveness is not important.
I think you should be attracted to your person.
But I think sometimes we create artificial, superficial, very limited and limiting criteria
that doesn't really allow us to find love.
And I think a lot of that criteria comes from what we were trained in condition to believe
was attractive when we were younger.
Right.
When we were younger, we saw certain things on the front cover of magazines.
We saw certain body types in movies and TV shows.
We saw certain colors of skin that were exposed to through media and we built our desires.
We built up ideas and visions of what a person should be.
But I think so often we're looking at criteria that doesn't impact the quality of the experience
which is bizarre.
There's so many things in life where you would never assess it purely based on a superficial
metric that doesn't change the experience of the product.
Right.
Now, number two of what men most value in women.
30% said empathy, nurturing, kindness.
Now there's one thing I want to talk about because I see this a lot.
I see this with friends.
When a lot of men say nurturing, they often want a mom in their partner.
I'm just going to put it out there.
I had to say it because I think so many individuals struggle with growing up.
And I think there's a lot of talk about women and daddy issues, but there's not a lot of
talk about men and mommy issues.
And it's this idea of I want someone who is nurturing but in a very maternal way.
Like I want them to take care of me.
I want them to take care of the house.
I want them to do what my mom did.
I want them to cook.
I want them to and it's not just the gender roles, but there's this false expectation.
And I think what's really interesting about that is a lot of people being naturally nurturing,
naturally empathetic, naturally kind, kind of see it as beautiful because it's a way
of being needed.
It's a way of being wanted.
It's a way of being useful.
But I think we have to really look at that in what we desire and what the other person
is willing to deliver on.
And again, I go back to it.
Do we want a partner who's equal and excited and curious?
Or are we really looking for someone to take care of us?
Because if we're looking for someone to take care of us, it ends up leading to the
relationship we don't want.
We then say, oh, well, they're not adventurers.
Oh, well, they're not interesting.
Well, they're not passionate.
And it's like, well, yeah, because they're mothering or fathering you.
If your partner is now your parent, you're not going to find them attractive after a
while.
You're not going to find them interesting after a while.
You're going to find that they're annoying you, that they're on your case, that they're
holding you accountable.
All the things that you potentially are challenged by or resent in your parents, you now
project that onto your partner.
So when we say things like I want someone to be empathetic, nurturing, kind, let's really
look at what we mean by that.
And I actually think here's the thing.
We say we want those things.
But when we experience in reality, a lot of people will say, oh, they're so kind, they're
so sweet, they're boring, right?
And then the other person who's not kind and sweet, they're exhilarating.
It's a really weird contrast in how we say we want someone who's kind.
We want someone who's thoughtful.
But then when we experience them reality, it's not fun.
There's no chemistry.
There's no spark, right?
And then we often go for the person who's not kind, not nurturing, not empathetic.
What I'm getting at here is we know we want people of high character and high value.
We want someone who has deep values.
We want someone who has values like honesty, kindness, morality, nurturing, both in men
and women.
We've seen honesty and morality top one for women wanting in men, an empathy, nurturing,
kindness, number two in women.
You've got all these deep values that are right up there in what we want.
But we're so easily shifted away from our values.
So you're asking me, Jay, why is that?
Why is it that I know what's good for me, but I choose what's bad for me?
How many of you can relate to that?
Jay, I know what's right for me, but why do I always choose what's wrong for me?
It's interesting, isn't it?
It's a trick of the mind.
The mind has the ability to trick you.
You know what's good for you, but you'll still choose what's bad for you.
You know what's right for you, but you will choose what's wrong for you.
This happens because we become clouded.
Our vision becomes blurred and ultimately love is blind.
We get blinded by the chemicals of the spark and of attraction and of lust that literally
blur our vision so that we now no longer see the unfavorable elements of that individual.
This is true for the chemicals released during and after sex.
This is true for when we first feel that chemical attraction to someone.
We're actually emotionally vision impaired to notice the things about someone that actually
matter.
And I've partnered up with Matt which I'm really excited about as their relationship
advisor because what I found is that dating apps are not the problem.
The challenge is of what we're focused on and what we're looking at.
If we don't understand our values and we don't understand the other person's values
and they don't understand theirs and ours, it doesn't matter how many other boxes we
take.
If you're truly in this for a successful relationship, if you're truly in this for a real deep partnership,
I promise you the artificial, superficial things are not going to be the ones that make
a difference.
Your values are your knowledge, awareness, acceptance and respect for someone's values
are.
So I want you to head over to match.com forward slash J. If you want to match people through
value systems to a deeper value connection.
Again, I'm not saying I want you to be attracted to the person.
I want you to think they're fun.
I want you to be excited, but I want us to pivot and shift our mindset.
On for a moment, deep prioritizing the things that society, media, parents and friends have
told us to overvalue and shift more emphasis onto the things we've been made to undervalue,
make honesty, kindness, connection, empathy, these deep values that are so critical to the
success of a relationship.
And we do this with everything.
There'll be debates constantly between iPhone and Android users.
People saying, oh, well, Android is more customizable, iPhones more the slickness.
And again, we follow brand.
And it's true.
Like Android does have and Samsung phones do have more functionality, but we choose something
that we think has a certain brand or whatever it may be.
And it's interesting how when you start doing that in love, it has far bigger ramifications
than with technology, right?
Sometimes life can seem challenging and overcoming problems can seem impossible.
But when you focus on your problems, it can keep you from seeing the good in your life.
One thing that helps me when I need a change in perspective is acknowledging the small
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Hey there, it's Ryan C. Cress for Safeway.
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Those apply.
Number two of what women won in men, 23% said professional financial success.
And I want to call out this is caused a lot of stress and pressure for a lot of friends,
a lot of good men because I think we're again living in a society where people are exposed
to a world online of fast cars, jewelry, you've got their high flying life and it can become
quite intimidating and quite challenging for people to think they have to live up to
that.
And I know a lot of good, hard working honest men that are trying their best, that are passionate
about what they do, that care about what they do, but they're being undervalued.
And I always like sharing this because to me it makes a huge difference.
When I met Rade, materially I didn't have anything and Rade chose to be with me at a time
when I was still trying to pay off my student debt and I didn't even have a job and I don't
even thought she knew if I would ever get anywhere externally to a certain level.
But I think the point was I had someone who believed in me and saw that I wanted to grow.
And I think I want to point that out here, which comes third for women, which is 19% ambition
and leadership women wanting in men, is that I truly believe that ambition is something
that is better to look for than already achieved financial success.
Someone who already has financial success may want to pivot.
They may even want to quit their job to try something.
By the way, someone else who hasn't made it, especially when you met someone young,
they need to have time.
And if that person feels pressure rather than belief, chances are they'll buckle.
Now the other thing I'd like to point out is whether you're a man or woman, these are
all themes that I think are across the board.
If you're looking for someone who's ambitious, you've also got to understand from a value
point of view what that trade is.
So if you want someone ambitious, chances are they won't be available all the time.
You kind of someone ambitious and available.
It doesn't work that way.
And I think a lot of us will want someone who's ambitious, but then we'll say why they're
not available.
We'll say we want someone who's successful, but then we're saying, well, why are they
not, why they're not messaging me?
Why they're not available this weekend?
Why they're not up for hanging out?
And it's like, well, they're not living spontaneous.
They're living structured.
So we always have to understand the value that we want in someone.
How does that value show up in reality?
I think we almost have these very one-dimensional views of values, right?
Our one-dimensional view of ambition is, oh, someone who has goals, someone who has
dreams, but then we want them to have dreams, but then we want them to never work on their
dreams because we want them to be around, right?
It doesn't add up.
And I think we can have these very limited and limiting views of what a true goal looks
like.
Now the third thing that men look for a woman, 22% said intelligence.
And again, by the way, I am calling out all sides of it because it's so interesting
to me.
I'm incredibly successful female friends who are doing amazing entrepreneurs, building
incredible companies, doing phenomenal stuff.
And they actually feel like their intelligence is intimidating.
They feel like their ambition is intimidating.
And a lot of them feel like they have to kind of lower themselves or lower their standards
or make themselves feel less, smart, less thoughtful, less, you know, less accomplished
in order to attract someone.
Let me say this.
Your partner who cares about you, who values you, will admire your success.
Now I think there's a difference also between admiring and being a fan.
And I think admiration is healthier than fandom.
I think if someone's a big fan of yours, it's hard to be a partner.
And sometimes we say, oh, my partner's my number one fan.
I want to be their number fan.
I mean, to be honest, I'd probably even say, I'm a brother's number one fan.
And maybe maybe I should take back my statement now because I'm like, yeah, I'm a brother's
number one fan of what I'm talking about.
But I think the idea that there's an admiration for what you do.
And there's a respect for what you do, but you have to have that back for them, whatever
they decide to be or whatever they decide to do.
And so if you are someone who feels like your success intimidates people or your success,
you know, makes people feel uncomfortable, chances are you're just speaking to the wrong
people because you shouldn't have to play down your success.
I know someone who constantly started to play down their success whenever they were
around, someone to date them, they complained about their life, they did all those things.
And then someone left them because they said they were too negative.
Now this person wasn't negative at all.
So just imagine that for a second, you're a positive, high functioning, high performance
performer, then in order to make yourself more relatable, you start talking about your
bad experiences and what's going wrong.
And then that person leaves you not because you're intimidating, but because they see
you as uninteresting and complaining and negative.
And so I think you don't want to become someone you're not.
And there's this beautiful quote that I read from Arlen was here the other day on Twitter.
And it said, be yourself so that the people looking for you can find you.
And I think that's what that patience needs to be that I don't have to make myself
smaller in order to have a big experience of love.
I don't have to make myself less significant in order to find a significant other.
Let me say that again, you don't have to make yourself less significant to find a significant
other because a significant other will recognize your significance and celebrate it.
Now I want to go down this list for you.
So what women value most in men, 19% said strength and toughness, 18% said hard work, good
work ethic, 11% said physical attractiveness, 11% said empathy, nurturing kindness, 9% said
loyalty, dependability, 8% said intelligence, 5% said being family oriented and 5% said
politeness, respectfulness.
This is how a relationship is made up of loyalty, politeness, respectfulness, but those only
make up 14% of respondents, 14% versus strength and toughness at 19%.
And by the way, I think we all look at people and we're like, how can you think that?
But this trick is played on all of us.
We all fall for it.
And so I want us to be really careful when you're next meeting someone, don't write them
off because they're boring and they're polite and respectful because there's a part of
us that gets excitement and it's the tension and the stress that feels positive in the
beginning when you're playing guessing games and you're checking in and I've talked about
this example before, this idea of this stress and excitement when someone's playing
hard to get.
There's the excitement of, I got their number, the stresses, what should I message them?
The excitement is, oh, I just messaged them, the stresses, when will they message back?
The excitement is, I'm so excited we're going out on a date, the stresses, oh, they were
hot and cold and that creates positive tension in the beginning.
But really, it's not what we're looking for, it's exhausting.
And what this study says, men are looking for women, 9% said hard work, 8% said professional
financial success, 7% said loyalty, dependability, 7% said competence, ability, 6% said independence
and self-reliance, 5% said strength and toughness, 5% said politeness, respectfulness and 5% said
ability to multitask.
And I'm realizing is we're looking for love in all the wrong places and usually we think
of wrong places as, oh, am I in the right bar, am I in the right restaurant, am I on the
right app, right?
That kind of thing.
And what I'm saying is actually we're looking for it in the wrong places because we're
looking at criteria that doesn't define the quality of a relationship.
Right?
For example, if you want to know whether a movie is good or not, you look on Rotten Tomatoes
or IMDB.
If you want to know whether a car insurance or something is good, you'll ask a friend
or family member what they use.
You go to the specific criteria to measure something, but you wouldn't say, I want to
know if a movie is good, I'm going to look at the height of the actors and the cast.
Right?
Literally, you wouldn't do that because it doesn't impact the quality of the movie.
What is literally how ridiculous it is to say, I'm going to look at this person's height.
Now I keep picking on the height thing because it was big on that episode of Love Island
yesterday.
But, and I'm not mad at that.
I'm not again, like I get it.
We're attracted to certain things.
But I want you to really understand the correlation between what you're attracted to in a healthy
relationship.
Like that element, that criteria is not going to change the quality of your relationship.
It's not going to change the experience of your relationship.
Now I really want you to go check out match.com forward slash J to understand your values,
select your values and be matched with people based on your values.
Because I think that, like I said, so many of us forget our values very quickly.
And I think that's because they've been talked about in this very theoretical way.
It's kind of like an idea that we have.
We've never seen them.
We don't put them at the center of connection.
We kind of put all the other stuff of personality and attractiveness above it when values are
truly what it's about in a long term relationship.
And so I would love for you to go and become more familiarized with values.
I'd love for you to check out my book, Eight Rules of Love, which focuses deeply on understanding
some of the values and their understanding yours as being the core and central part of
a healthy relationship.
And I want to thank you all again for listening today for connecting here.
I really hope this episode helps you.
I hope it serves and supports you.
And I can't wait for you to listen to more episodes on on purpose.
Share this with a friend, pass it along.
Thank you so much for listening.
I'm always in your corner and I'm forever rooting for you.
Hey, everyone, if you love that conversation, go and check on my episode with the world's
leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people
ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating.
If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.
If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands.
It's really hard to argue.
It actually calms your nervous systems, just hold hands as you're having the conversation.
It's so lovely.
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
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That's betterhop.com.
Hey there, it's Ryan C. Cress for Safeway.
Take care of yourself this summer and save on personal care items at your local store.
Now through August 27th, get extra discounts when you purchase participating items like
Doug Beautyvar, Doug Bodywash, Doug Men Plus Care Bodywash, or Deodorant, Doug shampoo,
Traceme shampoo, and Axe Body Spray.
The more you buy, the more you save, catch these deals before they're gone.
Offer ends August 27th, Restrictions of Life, Promotions May vary.
Visit Safeway.com for more details.
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