433. I'm ready to leave London | The Psychology of your 20s

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Hello everybody, I'm Gemma Spake and welcome back to The Psychology of Your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.

Hello everybody, it is so great to have you here back for another episode of the Psychology of Your 20s, back for another bonus episode.

I'm kind of doing it old school.

I'm like bringing it back to the early days, the like early 2021-2022 days of the podcast, where I would get on the mic and just talk about random stuff random things in my bedroom.

I was gonna do like a bonus episode today on Freud and on false memories and all this stuff.

And I was like, I just don't really feel like it.

I actually just feel like chatting.

And so I'm going to do it.

I was like, oh, wait, this is actually my podcast.

I can just chat.

I can just talk to you guys about my life and what I've been up to and my 20s, rather than like the psychology behind it.

And I thought what would be like a good kind of topic, kind of structure to this episode so I don't just go off on tangents is

A little bit of like a London update and a little bit of an update around how my life is in London since moving here at the start of the year and things that I've been learning, things that I've been realizing, particularly this like one reoccurring theme that I am spotting in my life, which is kind of a failure or an inability to be in the season of life that I am currently in.

And being in London has because it has been such like one of the biggest shocks to my system and, I guess, to my life has put this in place clearer perspectives than any other situation has like.

It's become so evident to me that this is a problem for me that I cannot just like sit in the chapters, the chapter of life that I am in.

I am constantly thinking ahead, constantly And thinking of something better, constantly getting to the place I want to be and then being like okay, so what's next?

And this is the thing.

Oh, my God, I'm really just jumping straight into it.

But this is what I've realized with London.

I spent...

Two years.

Two years imagining my life here.

Two years, I guess, preparing.

And if you guys know the story, basically I had to wait for my boyfriend Tom to finish an accreditation for his job so that we could move here and move.

Being very patient and being like, when I get to London, my real adult life is going to start.

And my 20s are going to really start.

And this big adventure is going to occur.

And I'm going to be so happy.

And I'm going to be so fulfilled.

And my career is going to be great.

I'm going to be a city gal.

And I've been here now for eight months.

And the only thing I want is change, to move home, and all I can think about is like, oh my god, how good is it going to be when we go back to Australia, how good is it going to be when we go back to Australia and we buy a big piece of land, like in Queensland, and We get to build our home?

And I really want to build like a big community space with like art, like rooms for like artist retreats and like for community meals.

And I want to build like a like a small rescue facility.

We can get shelter dogs like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm like, wait, what has just happened here?

Because, again, I just explained it.

I spent all this time wanting this future, wanting this reality, which it is now.

It's my reality, the moment that I am in.

And I'm here and it hasn't been terrible.

It's actually been quite great.

And suddenly I'm like, okay, what's next?

What's next?

And this inability to sit and be happy with the moment, with the season, with the chapter that I currently inhabit is I'm kind of recognizing a little bit of a problem.

So I've basically just given you everything we're going to talk about right off the bat, but yeah, There's a bit more complexity to it.

I kind of want to discuss.

I have gotten a lot of questions, I should say, from people who are like, hey, how is London?

I'm about to move.

I'm thinking of moving.

I'm thinking of moving not to London, but in general, what's been your experience?

So I thought I'd go through that and then talk about...

When I'm planning to leave, I guess, and this more general, pathological kind of inability to be, I was going to say inability to be happy.

Inability to be happy no, inability to be at ease with life, with my life.

So um, we have been in London now, for we moved in December, so it's what?

Is it June?

So six months, seven months?

At this point I would say we moved at a terrible time and I can see that in hindsight, That we did not plan our move well.

Firstly, we moved right as the podcast was going on Netflix.

And I spoke about this in a previous episode.

That was just the most stressful moment period of my life, something you may not know about that I feel like it's this huge crazy thing.

You know the psychology of your 20s on Netflix.

It's a massive like career achievement.

I genuinely couldn't have dreamed it.

It was so stressful because I signed that contract literally four hours before I got on the plane.

I really didn't think it was going to happen.

And then I got here.

Firstly, I got to London and we didn't have anywhere to live because the place we were meant to be staying had fallen through.

So we had like 10 days or less.

I can't remember the timelines to find somewhere to live.

And then we went on holiday with my family.

And then in the middle of that holiday, I get literally on New Year's Day, New Year's Eve.

I get this email from the team being like hey, we need to get the Netflix episodes going, and I was like I have literally just moved country, I don't have a studio, I don't have a clue, I don't have anybody really to help me.

So the first half of the year was very stressful.

I think if we had known that was going to happen, we probably would have held off.

The other thing that, if you've moved to London or are thinking of it that you'll hear come up a lot is do you move in summer or do you move in winter?

The thing with moving in winter is that you are basically guaranteeing that the first three to four months is going to be miserable and rotten, but then you get the reward of summer right.

And when you go into summer, by that stage, you probably have a few friends, right?

You probably have a bit more of a community.

You have a bit more of a foundation so you can really enjoy the summer.

And then the comparative kind of option is that you move in the summer.

It's great because you move in.

It's just the city comes alive.

But then you kind of are the lull comes during the winter.

We did the first one.

It was pretty miserable.

I I've done an episode before on seasonal depression.

And when I lived in Canberra, I definitely had a had a bite of that apple.

Like I definitely had experienced it.

Well, I thought I had.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It was, I have no words to describe the deep sadness.

The deep sadness.

I was like, oh my gosh, no wonder such sad literature comes from cold climates.

Like you guys have... ice and chill in your bones, like sadness.

And that's what it felt like.

And so we really struggled with that.

And then also my boyfriend, Tom, was just looking for a job.

And that's like the next thing I'll talk about in terms of just like advice for people who want to move here.

The job market, just from seeing people navigating it is so tricky.

And I remember hearing stories like with Australia and the UK there is a long history.

Obviously we're a Commonwealth country.

So we have this like basically we are quote unquote owned by the UK.

And what that's kind of meant is that through many generations, like Australians will go, like every generation kind of goes to the UK.

Like there is this kind of tidal wave around like the ages of 23 to 28.

Well, like, you know, 25% of Australians will probably move to London or move to the UK.

And most people that I know have a friend or I know people who have done it.

And our parents' generation have done it.

Like, it's a very, like, a cultural thing.

And I remember talking to my parents and then also you know friends' parents as well, you know aunts and uncles, and everybody then being like, oh my god, moving to the UK is an amazing opportunity.

You go, you make more money, it's you just the opportunities are everywhere.

And it feels like that is a very outdated narrative.

And of course, we did know that, we understand the state of the world, but you really can't And overstate how different it was from like the glory days.

Of like my parents generation and their friends generation.

Of like move to London and you get, you get this job.

And like you make all this money because there's all this capital.

And it's like no no no no, no.

The reality is so different.

And again I will say, like we knew that we weren't naive coming into it.

But very few things prepare you for how much money you will spend, how quickly you will chew through your savings and how difficult it will be to find a job.

I think in most industries.

And I say that because Tom's a lawyer.

He struggled in that space.

But every other friend that I have people who work in design, people who work in even retail, people who work in museums, people who work in consulting, people who work in like all these different industries have all said like it is a struggle.

Like if you get a job offer in the first three months, you have done exceptionally well.

So I was going to go into like the best and worst things of our experience in London so far.

I would say that period of me and Tom's kind of like journey here was very, very difficult.

Finding an apartment not so difficult.

I thought that was going to be really hard.

We moved at a time when they said it's like one of the best times to find places.

It was in December.

Definitely didn't feel that way because we were scrambling, but we have such a beautiful place.

It is my dream apartment.

In a way, that's like it's my dream apartment for my 20s right.

There's definitely things like we're on the top floor, like the fourth floor, of this terrace house and there's no elevator.

And right now, as I'm recording this, it is a massive heat wave and there is no air con and all the heat rises and everything.

I cannot express to you how hot it is here.

A lot of people have been asking me, you know, it's a heat wave in London.

Like, surely you're used to this.

You're Australian.

You're like, you spent your summers in Queensland.

And like, no, it's no, it's so different.

It's the structures and the facilities and like the infrastructure, I should say.

It's not built for this heat and definitely we've been feeling that.

But what was I talking about?

Yes, our apartment is gorgeous.

It has this like mezzanine ceiling.

It's like a loft apartment.

So like the bottom floor is like where our bedroom is and our kitchen is and our lounge room and our bathroom.

And then the top floor is like a second bedroom slash living room that has a view of the entirety of London.

And we didn't even realize until we moved in.

Like the whole London skyline you can see from our top floor window is And it's like one of my favorite things is to be like oh my God yeah, come over and see our view.

So that's a pro.

Job hunting, con.

Making friends has been relatively easy.

I know I said in my episode when I was like, hey, I'm moving to London.

Just so you guys know, I was like, I'm most worried about this.

This is and I'm speaking from personal experience.

So if this wasn't your experience, again, don't think that you've done anything wrong.

But this has been the easiest city for me to make friends in.

And maybe it was the attitude that I came in with, which was like, I need to make friends now.

And I'm it's going to be a mission.

This is as important as finding an apartment, as important as finding a job for like for Tom and you know, and for establishing our careers here.

And we just kind of went ham and we were just so rewarded with just incredible friendships, and not just Australians.

We also were friends with people who are born and bred in the UK and.

Which I think is like a stereotype of like Aussies and Kiwis move over here and then all their friends are just or Americans or whoever move over here, and they just remain in their insular circles.

But no, we have this amazing community that has been a huge pro.

A con going back and forth has been...

I think the impact on my emotional state, though.

So this is kind of a good segue into why I want to go home now.

I'm done.

I'm ready to leave.

I've done it.

Which I'm not at that level yet, but London has definitely made me angrier.

It has made me more irritable.

It has made me a less forgiving person.

And that is in every kind of area of my life.

You know, it's very I come home and navigating the tube system and navigating public transport and navigating crowds and all that means that i get home and i'm like i'm cranky.

Somebody like his steps in front of me.

I'm like i'm cranky.

Oh my god.

Can i say what my biggest issue with london is?

Choose the side of the path.

Oh my God.

I can't believe I haven't mentioned this at some point in Australia.

And obviously, sorry, I know I keep being like in Australia, in Australia, in Australia.

But in Australia like, and in most countries, it's like you walk on the right or you walk on the left.

They don't seem to compute that that makes things more efficient.

And so that has been like a real adjustment.

I think that, and also the heat recently and just how many people are in the city, how difficult it is to navigate when you live in central London, means that your cognitive load is just significant.

And I guess my final con, which is one that's a bit more serious, has been in my adjustment to this new country and new system, is the healthcare system.

And I have really struggled to navigate it.

And I've really struggled to Just get answers for things.

I took a turn there.

But you guys know, at the start of last year I had this really insane health scare where I went in for a retinal scan.

And my optic nerve was swollen.

And the doctors were essentially like, there are three options.

There's the really, really bad option, which is a tumor.

There is the still bad but medium option, which is MS.

Or there's this other option, which is like you have too much fluid in your brain.

And it was this real waiting game of like, well, I fucking hope it's not the first two options.

And luckily it wasn't, thank God.

Now I have this condition that I need to manage.

And that means that, wherever I live, every three to six months I have to go and see an ophthalmologist and a neurologist to make sure that everything's everything is working as it should be right.

And that my vision is still okay, that other symptoms are being managed, because when you have too much fluid in your brain and um, it's not pleasant, you duh.

Firstly, you can go blind.

Secondly, you get these crazy like headaches that I can't even explain.

It's like somebody's squeezing you like a pimple and you get this like whooshing in your ear.

That's really irritating.

So essentially, I got here and I was like okay, priority number one is I need to get a specialist for this condition that I have.

I'm still on the wait list.

I'm still on a waitlist.

And I have found that understandable because there's a lot of other people who needs to be seen.

And obviously, like, it's not like I should come in and get top priority.

Not at all.

But I just mean, I got on the waitlist in February and it's now June.

And that is just shocking to me, considering the standard of care and like the level of care that I am used to, which is that you'll seem pretty quickly and maybe it's just my experience, because when I was first diagnosed it was such a quote-unquote emergency because they weren't, they didn't have any answers, but I really struggle with that.

And then I'm having some other health problems to do with my stomach.

And I was like crying in my GP's office the other day, just being like...

Can you help me?

Like how I just and just being like I don't even know what question to ask you, but can you help me?

And she's like, well, I've made the referral.

And it's just kind of like okay, so either you go private and you spend so much money, or you just kind of have to sit and wait.

And then not to give you guys too many private details, but my symptoms were getting worse in a way that's like not unserious.

Like, and I qualified, I was put into like the two week wait list process.

So basically, if your symptoms get worse like, and you're under the age of 40, they are like well, we need to see you quickly.

And I went back in and I was like, Hey, like I did this, you know, we did this test again.

And the test has shown that things are getting worse.

And can you like now I meet the thing and she's like okay yeah, I'll put you on the waitlist.

And I haven't heard anything.

And so there's been a lot of stress and anxiety around what is going on in my body.

How do I access health care here?

Is it worth paying the money?

And just not really knowing... how to do it.

And this isn't to say like the NHS isn't a great system, right?

This isn't to say that public healthcare isn't a genuine miracle.

It's just that, compared to what I'm used to, and finding the difference between really scary because I'm expecting answers or I'm expecting a way of communicating that is different to like what I'm experiencing

Like, for example, I got this appointment and And it was like OK, this is, your appointment is at 5 am on, like the 3rd of July.

And it was weird because I was like, but nobody asked me if I'm available then.

And I'm not.

Nobody like called me.

And I'm so used to being like OK well, I choose my appointment time, because why give somebody an appointment time they can't go to if they're just going to have to cancel?

And that just it's not how it's done here.

So yeah.

That's been quite stressful and I guess this kind of leads me into why I want to go home.

You know we've done eight months in the UK and we said at six months time we would decide whether we wanted to do two years.

And the big reason we decided that we kind of had a point where we would decide if we really wanted to stay for a while is

Also because of our dog.

Don't worry, Talu is still very much okay.

She's very loved.

She is very happy.

Probably the happiest dog in the world.

She's with my parents and my sisters and and honestly I know she's happy I miss her a lot and it is a daily conversation of like oh, I can't wait to see her.

Should we bring her over?

No yes blah, blah should we put?

Should we do this, should we do that?

And just trying to decide.

And essentially, at the six month mark, we were like we're not going to stay over two years, so we're not going to bring her over.

And And also the discussion of like do we like it here?

Do we see a future here?

And the answer is no.

And the answer is no because of a combination of things.

The first is, you know what?

The first is that it's just not our city, right?

And I saw this post the other day from this girl who was, like everyone feels, spiritually aligned with one of these three cities.

Are you a New York girl?

Are you a Paris girl?

Are you a London girl?

And there were all these people in the comments being like I feel like London spiritually in my body.

I feel it in my bones.

And I just don't feel that.

And I have friends who feel that, who are like, I love this city and I'm really giving it a good go.

I am, I am, I am going out.

I am doing stuff.

I have seen so many West End plays.

I don't, I don't want to see another musical.

I, can I be real?

I don't really like musical theatre that much.

And I feel like every Friday night, if I don't have plans, I have to go and see something on the West End.

And I'm like, I actually don't like this.

And I just think it's like what the city has to offer is not what we enjoy, which is outdoor spaces beaches, a bit more convenience.

Yeah.

Yeah, access to nature, better good weather and just the culture.

Like I just think it's not a fit.

So, as I said at the beginning of this episode, I'm finding myself in this period of like okay, cool time to wrap it up.

Now like, oh great, oh my god, I'm already making.

I'm like making plans for the future.

I'm like saying to Tom and my friends like, oh yeah, when we go back, like we're gonna get this land and we're going to do this and I'm gonna fulfill this dream.

And I have had to kind of pull it back a little bit and and, just as I said, enjoy it.

Like this is not gonna last forever.

We now know very conclusively we are not relocating here permanently.

We're having fun at this point.

We're enjoying ourselves, but this is not our place anymore.

And so now I'm at this point of like, but you can't just be ready to leave at all times.

Like mentally, you still need to be checked into this experience, because this experience isn't going to last.

And at some point I know I'm going to go home to Australia, move somewhere else and really miss our time here and miss our apartment and miss our friends and miss our routines and miss what London does have to offer, which is so much.

But, yeah, that's kind of the, where am I going with this?

That's kind of the conundrum that I'm finding myself in, which is like enjoy this now and make the most of this experience, rather than idealizing the future the same way that you idealize this future.

And some of the ways we're really trying to like make the most of this time is just traveling as much as possible and doing a lot of stuff that, like you, can only do when you live on this side of the equator.

So if you follow me on Instagram.

I honestly feel like I need to apologize by how much I post me being like, I'm in Italy.

I'm in Vienna.

I'm in, I don't know where else I'm going.

I'm in Wales.

I'm in the Netherlands.

I honestly feel like it's kind of aggressive at times to be like oh my God, look at me traveling all the time blah blah, blah.

But that's just a bit of like the tall poppy syndrome in me, I think.

But yeah, Yeah, that's what we've said.

We've like.

Okay, if we're going to leave by June next year, we need to just go ham on the travel plans.

And that's what we've done.

We've been like, we need to take advantage of this.

We need to take advantage of all that London has to offer.

And so we've also kind of been like...

I think the mentality I got in was like we're going to move back and we're going to execute this next part of our life plan, which is to kind of settle down and to really like build a home and like fulfill a longstanding childhood dream and And mentally I was being a little bit like financially cautious because of that, because I was like this is a big financial dream I have for the next five to 10 years.

So I really want to save.

And Tom was like, OK, but also this is a situation you're never going to get back.

We're never going to be able to get this visa again.

We're probably never going to live on the side of the equator again again.

Yes, we can be cautious with our money, but also we need to be willing to spend it on experiences and we need to be willing to do the things that we can only do here.

So we're traveling a lot.

I've also been better at not complaining about London.

I feel like if you're my friend or like a family member.

Sometimes I can be a little bit annoying with it, especially with this heat wave.

I've been like I, I hate it here, I never want to, I don't want.

Why do we move here?

I'm being very cranky and I'm trying to.

I understand.

I think better than anyone, not better than anyone.

I just understand that the thoughts that you have prime how you experience reality.

And so when we were in the middle of winter, and especially like when it was freezing cold, we just complained so much and then Obviously, we'd go outside and every expectation we had was being met by experiences, because we were searching for those bad experiences.

We were searching for reasons not to like London.

And now I'm like, no.

I'm going to give London the benefit of the doubt.

I want it to exceed my expectations.

Everything she wants to offer me, I'm going to take with open arms.

I'm not going to complain about it.

I'm just going to enjoy it and love this experience.

So to kind of wrap up this bonus episode, Would I recommend moving to London?

What are my future plans kind of looking like?

I would recommend moving to London as much as we've made the decision.

And obviously I'm preemptively being like, I'm ready to go.

Get me out of here.

It is an amazing experience.

It is incredibly expensive.

You will not save any money while living here.

I'm just going to say that it is incredibly inconvenient at times, But is it worth it.

Yes.

The experiences that, like we have had and I have had literally last week I was talking on, like I did like a live podcast with my friend Grace on like the second tallest building in London.

It's one of the tallest buildings in the world.

And I was like, this is an experience I'm not going to have in Sydney.

And that I was just like, that is amazing.

I also, guys, I live really close to Tom Hiddleston.

I actually know where he lives.

He lives.

I'm not going to say I want to say it, but I know where he lives because he lives near us.

He's like our neighbor.

And I see him all the time.

I see Paul Meskel all the time, which I feel like everybody in London has the local celebrity that they see.

And as much as like I try not to be like consumed by like celebrity culture, it's cool.

It's cool to be like, hey, like there's Tom Hiddleston.

Like, hey, dude, like there he is.

Like we're friends.

But like, that's, that's a really, it's like a really cool thing.

I love going to like Richmond Park.

I love going to like the Heath.

Actually, I haven't been in a while.

Maybe I'll go this week.

I love the galleries.

I love the music opportunities.

I love how many people we're interviewing for the podcast that like, of course I'm not going to interview them, they're not going to fly to Australia for it.

And there is this thing about London where it can be a random Wednesday and suddenly you're like in Hackney and And you're like in somebody on somebody's rooftop and like somebody's DJing, and there's like, and you've just made your new best friend.

Like there is something about this environment that does just breed opportunity and good luck in many, many ways.

So it's taught me a lot.

Yeah, it really has.

It's taught me a lot.

In the way that the best lessons do, where they teach you the worst parts of yourself and the best parts of yourself.

And it's definitely taught me some of the worst parts of myself and some of the parts of me that I need to examine a little bit more.

But it's also taught me how to just enjoy the moment a little bit more, how to chill out and how to say yes to more things.

If you remember the episode I made when I was like, I'm moving to London.

These are my expectations.

This is what I want.

What I said was like oh, it's been difficult in the final six months of Sydney because I haven't been.

You know what's the point in going out, because I know I'm leaving soon.

What's the point in getting a better co-working space, because I know I'm leaving soon.

What's the point in upgrading or updating these things in London?

I just say yes to everything, and that has created a busier life that I was really craving.

So if you are thinking about it, Whether or not it is your city, whether or not you find that it is the place you have a spiritual allegiance to or whatnot, it is still worth it for the memories that you will make and for what you will learn.

So what are my plans before we leave?

So many things.

We are doing a summer party in early August for the Psychology of Your 20s in London, which is going to be so much fun.

We have been just securing so many UK and Europe based guests to come on the podcast, which I'm so glad for.

And I am just traveling a shit ton, a shit ton and I'm trying.

Well, I'm going to try and do a bunch of different events in different cities.

So, like in Copenhagen, I'm going to do one, we're doing one in Germany, I don't know which city yet.

We're doing one in France, we're doing one in the Netherlands oh, did I already say that?

No, in the Netherlands.

And so those are kind of our plans.

And then sneaky on the side.

I kind of want to.

This is oh my God, I can't believe I even mentioned this.

I forgot to mention this.

But I do have it in my mind that I want to move to New York for three months before we move back to Australia.

Because once we move back to Australia and isn't this the irony of like tell God your plans and watch him laugh in your face?

And I'm sure, I don't know if this will happen or not.

And watch me come back on in six months and be like, hey guys, no, we're like moving to...

We're moving to Manchester and we're staying here for 10 years, like completely changed my mind.

But I'm really keen to move to New York for three months.

Once we move back to Australia, I think we're settling.

You know what I mean?

I think we'll be kind of in that.

By the time we move back, I'll be almost in my 30s.

What the fuck?

Almost in my 30s and wow and um anyways, oh my god, realizations.

And yeah, just ready to kind of like pursue a different chapter of life, so gonna suck this fruit All the nectar from it that I can right now.

And that is my London update and that is my grand philosophy to be in the season that you are in.

As hard as I am finding it.

It is a guiding thing for me right now that I'm going to keep coming back to as my touchstone be in the season I'm in.

Be in the season I'm in.

Appreciate the moment, appreciate what you're going to miss about it.

That is what I keep coming back to.

And I hope that if you You know what?

I hope that if you've moved somewhere and been like I actually really don't like it, this makes you realize it's a pretty common experience.

I hope you also realize from this episode.

It's okay to say I actually changed my mind and I don't like this anymore and I don't want to do this anymore.

But I also hope that you've learned to appreciate the moment for what it is.

And if you are somebody who, like me, at times can be kind of pessimistic and when you have high expectations for things, I think sometimes it's very easy to be disappointed all the time because you expect big things from yourself.

You expect big things from your experiences and sometimes not.

It is about saying I'm just going to accept whatever happens and I'm going to have no positive negative neutral, nothing.

No feelings towards this except just a state of acceptance and just openness.

And I feel like hopefully this episode has...

I don't want to say inspired you, but I don't even know how to say this but just made you realize that other people struggle with that and that we should keep our minds more open.

So there you go.

Thank you for listening to this episode.

I know I said it was going to be a short bonus episode.

I have been speaking for half an hour.

If you have made it this far, What should I do in London for my last?

You know?

What is crazy is I'm like oh, we're leaving in June.

It's still a year.

I still have a year here.

Less.

We're probably going to leave in like April.

But...

What should I do?

I'm not going to be here forever.

I've got less than a year.

What are some London bucket list items?

If you don't live in London?

What are some things that, if you travel to London, you would want to do that you have done that, have been on your bucket list.

I want to do those.

Send them my way.

[The Art of Being Present: Navigating Life Transitions and the London Experience]-[433. I'm ready to leave London]

📋 Summary

The Struggle of Living in the Present

The Reality of the London Experience

Reframing the Mindset

🎯Key Sentences

📝Key Phrases

📖 Transcript