MUSIC Punishment. Can we raise good kids without punishing them?
Is punishment just necessary to raise the type of kids that become fully functioning adults?
This is a question I get all the time from parents...
And I want to just come out and say, I understand this question.
I understand the skepticism.
racism, I think there's a lot underneath it, because I think when we think about punishments on one side, we assume the absence means permissive parenting on the other side, and there's definitely something between.
But the reason this is really on my mind is I just got back from a work retreat.
It was with a bunch of founders.
We are talking about so many interesting topics, and not surprisingly, the topic of parenting came up.
There was a small group of us chatting one night and one of the dads in the group just It just started really challenging the idea that you could raise good well -behaved, resilient kids without punishment, and I loved this conversation.
It got really heated.
He was arguing that punishment is necessary to teach kids how the world works, so they're prepared for the world.
Punishment teaches kids right from wrong.
Dr. Beck, you don't want to teach kids right from wrong.
This is an amazing, energetic, not argumentative, but just impassioned conversation, And I learned so much about the assumptions we make as parents.
The fears we have because I think we have a lot of fears around the idea of not punishing kids, and I get that.
And I think when we talk about punishments, we're always also talking about the lessons we've inherited from our own parents.
Anyway this was such a rich conversation that it's still very loud in my mind.
And I really wanted to come here to share the conversation with you because I have a feeling this topic is on your mind and I have a feeling this topic is on the mind, maybe, of your partner who isn't so sure about this good inside approach or a family member or a friend, and I totally get that.
Hopefully, this episode resonates, and I actually think it's probably going to be one you want to send to a partner just as a way of starting a productive, open, thoughtful conversation and about parenting and punishment.
I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside.
We'll be back right after this.
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So here is how the conversation started on my work retreat.
A dad said to me, okay.
So my five -year -old is in a hitting phase with his three -year -old sister, five -year -old, three -year -old.
a five -year -old son is hitting the three -year -old sister.
And he said to me, my son has to learn right from wrong I have to make sure my son knows how to operate in the world.
He has to know hitting isn't okay.
And he shared with me, honestly, me and my wife have really been arguing about it.
He was kind of laughing, and saying, I can't believe you're on this, you know, retreat.
We kind of argue about the video she sends of what you say.
And we're really at odds with each other about it.
So the first thing me and this dad ended up talking about was actually just how he was feeling because here's the first thing I noticed.
And by the way, I am not above this, it's just important to notice it when it happens.
This parent was so frustrated with his kid, so angry with his kid.
And of course, this makes sense when your kid acts out.
And when I think back and I think about when my kids were younger and yes hit, or through, or all the things, it is so hard for a parent.
Right? And I know this is also true.
As long as we see our kid as a bad kid, as long as we're overwhelmed with frustration toward our kid, we can't intervene productively.
I say that in a resigned way because it's annoying that it's true.
Because we're frustrated with our kids all the time and if you think about what that means, wait, I have to get my frustration under control to intervene effectively.
Oh, that's a lot of work.
It totally is a lot of work.
This is the stuff I wish people told us we were signing up for and we were becoming parents.
But I think if we get out of the parenting realm and you think about work, think about someone you're managing at work.
And this is actually something that really resonated with the dad who was a founder.
You know, I said, think about, you know, one of your leaders who reports to you.
think about being really frustrated with them.
Think about just not liking them.
Think about what you'd say to them from that state.
And this was a father who was actually very, very invested in management and thought a lot about how his company operates and how to bring out the best in people.
And I kind of watch him have this aha moment and say, I kind of get what you mean.
I actually know that I get the best out of my employees when I communicate with them in a really respectful way.
not when I come at them from a place of criticism and even share this management training he had done.
So that was the first point.
And so I just want you right now to pause and just think about one thing you're really frustrated with around your kid.
Maybe you're saying, this is my life, my kid hits someone else.
Maybe it's hitting.
Maybe it's talking back.
Maybe it's my kid never cleans up when I ask them, maybe, my kid's just so rude.
They literally don't have manners, they don't say thank you, they don't say please, I ask them to do it, they refuse, there could be a million things.
So we all have a million things I have a million things, I'm frustrated with, and I just want you to do this.
I notice I'm feeling frustrated.
Maybe you're rolling our eyes.
You're like, this is so annoying.
Why is a psychologist making me do this?
I promise you, it's effective.
I'm only interested in being effective.
So bear with me. Noticing your frustration is the key to not letting your frustration dictate what you do.
And no matter what type of person you are, no one wants to be controlled by their feelings.
If we don't recognize our frustration, our frustration controls us.
That's pretty powerless.
Frustration could be a passenger in our car, that's okay.
But it can't be the driver of the car because we are the drivers of our car.
So I want you to do that.
Alright, the second thing that happened with his dad is he challenged me, he's like okay, so what's the way you would think about it, right?
It was kind of, it was actually very fun and playful, I really enjoyed this conversation and I kind of took the bait and I said I'll tell you.
Now, to me, the core thing I think about is whether we are looking at our kid as if their bad behavior equals being a bad kid.
Or if we look at our kid like they're a good kid who's having a hard time, do I see my kid's bad behavior as a sign of who they are?
Or do I see my kid's bad behavior as a sign of something they're struggling with?
Do I see bad behavior, and I assume bad identity?
Or do I assume good identity, and see bad behavior as a sign of something my kid needs?
These are the assumptions that make all the difference in parenting.
And again, this is stuff I honestly wish was taught in like a mandatory class.
This stuff really matters.
We know that in other areas of our life.
The assumptions I have dictate the interventions I use.
Well, with parenting, we have to really check our assumptions.
Now, here's what's really tricky, but here's also the space I love to work in.
Most of us, when we acted out as kids, we were looked at as bad kids.
We were punished, there was something scary that happened, right?
Our behaviors, when we were kids, were looked at as a sign of our identity.
And if that's true for you, you are predisposed to see your kid as a bad kid when they act out, because that's a worldview that was imparted to you by your parents.
And I have empathy for your parents.
It's probably the worldview that was imparted to them by their parents.
And this is generational.
So that's where most of us go.
But again, with this dad, he said, you know, I think about an ongoing conflict I have with an employee and something that really broke things in a really positive way and allowed for some positive movement was, I actually started to understand, My, kind of, employee's side of things instead of just
seeing this conflict as a sign of him being difficult, I understood where he was coming from.
It didn't mean I agreed with him.
But, that kind of broke the power struggle.
That kind of broke the ice.
So again, taking that idea and applying it to our kids.
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I am so excited to announce that I am hosting one of my most popular workshops to date, Effective Alternatives to Punishments, live on January 24th.
So, if you're finding yourself doling out empty threats, consequences, or punishments – all things I've done myself – and you just see your kid repeat the behavior you're trying to change, this one is for you.
Learn more at GoodInside .com, or through the link in the show notes.
Here's the next thing I shared and this might seem like a broken record, but sometimes I hope I sound like a broken record because by the time I've said something enough that you're kind of rolling your eyes and you're like Dr.
Becki move on, that actually means it's been internalized.
So when someone kind of rolls their eyes and says I've heard it before, I actually seen that as a huge victory for me.
So that's happening, that's awesome.
Kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills to manage those feelings.
That's actually profound if you think about a kid's existence.
They are born with all the anger and none of the feelings to manage anger.
They're born with the ability to feel jealous of a sibling and no skills to manage jealousy.
I don't know about you, but I soften when I think about that because I was like, Oh my goodness.
What a horribly vulnerable existence it is to be a child.
No wonder they look like tornadoes sometimes they feel like tornadoes sometimes.
And if I think about this that kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills, I just think about skill building in general.
I don't know if I'd ever signed my kid up for a swim class with a teacher who said, I'm gonna teach your kid to swim by sending them to their room, and I'm gonna threat and take their iPad away, and in a couple weeks, you're gonna learn how to swim.
I'd be like, yeah, I don't know about that.
I'm not even sure why that logically would make sense.
What are they doing in their room?
Are they googling it?
Are they somehow absorbing it from their neighbor?
I don't know how the sending to their room is going to result in the skill of swimming.
Obviously, that's an absurd example, but I actually think it's equally absurd that we think sending our kids to their room is going to lead to the building of a skill of how to manage anger.
My kid was rude to me because they didn't have the skill to manage their anger.
The answer isn't to punish the symptom.
The answer is to solve the problem.
The problem is not their rudeness.
I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not enjoyable.
the rudeness is a symptom of the problem.
The problem is that my kid doesn't have the skill to manage a feeling.
And, yes, we are all kind of precondition to just react to the behavior.
And we feel desperate.
And, to some degree, we get to feel powerful in a moment and we say, Go to your room!
And then we say something we watch have impact.
No TV for a week. And then we watch our kid be upset and we somehow tell ourselves them being upset about a punishment is a sign that they're gonna change their behavior.
We actually know from research that how upset a kid is at a punishment has no impact on them changing their behavior.
And that makes sense.
If my kid couldn't swim, and I said, go to your room until you learned to swim in no desert tonight!
They would be very upset.
I still don't think any of us would be like, Becky then being upset about taking away desert is definitely not going to lead to them learning how to swim.
It's a visible sign.
And we like visible signs but it doesn't even make sense about why that would lead to change.
Again with his dad, who went back to his employee.
Let's say someone was late all the time.
He even said, you have to be on time.
You have to be on time and still an employee was late.
What he say, look, I'm not paying for your lunch this week.
I'm just not. Or would it be more effective to say hey come into my office, hey, you've been late it's been happening a lot.
Look I actually know you're a good person who understands punctuality and I believe you want to do well for this company.
I believe that, which lets me know there's something getting in your way.
of getting here in time, and I'm saying that from a place of being your teammate who wants to figure this out with you.
Not from a place of criticism.
And hearing me model that to you, I just wonder, are you thinking, oh my goodness, my boss is so permissive, my boss does not care about me being late, I'm gonna keep being late.
I mean, I don't think any Reasonable adult would think that.
Any Reasonable adult would say, I am the best manager in the world.
Not because they're permissive, but because they're working with me to figure out a problem.
And the only reason I'm stuck is probably because I don't have someone with me to work through the problem.
Now that I do, and now that I'm connected to my manager and they see me in a generous light, I want to do really well for my manager, I would bet that an employee is getting there 15 minutes early the next day.
I would bet it. And I would bet when you say to your kid, Hey, I'm not gonna let you hate your sister.
And, it's really hard to now all of a sudden have your sister be at an age where you actually have to start sharing time and sharing toys with her.
I get that that's tricky.
Let's figure out what you can do about it in a way that's still safe for everyone.
I would bet that your kid is going to stop hitting a lot more quickly than when we send them to their room.
– and take away their dessert.
One more point that was powerful in this conversation.
The idea that punishing my kid is going to lead to positive behavior change has an important baked -in assumption – that, in the moment right before my son hits his sister, he is gonna pause and say, whoa, hold up five -year -old child.
The last time I hit, I did have a punishment.
And so now that I'm realizing that with such forethought, I'm going to control my body and not hit.
Here's the problem with that assumption.
The reason my kid hits is because their logic system, system, their reasoning system is number one underdeveloped as a child, but number two actually offline.
Emotions, feelings overwhelmed my kid's ability to access logic.
We are assuming that punishment, which in some ways is a system of logic.
If I hit, I get punished.
my child will have access to logic in the moment they don't have access to logic.
It's, I'm sorry to say, it's just not a logical way of thinking.
Our kid right before they act out, honestly, I'm gonna be honest, just like me before I act out, right before I do something I wish I could date back, I don't know, I yell at my husband or I react in a way, at work, I am overwhelmed with emotions.
We act out because emotions overpower logic.
We don't have access to the thoughts in that moment.
We would have to have a skill to manage our emotion to be able to access logic.
Which is why this goes back to helping kids build skills, not punish the manifestation of not having those skills in the first place.
So, where did I end with this, Deb?
You know, we had this whole retreat.
We had so many of these conversations, and he ended up saying to the end, I'm gonna think about it.
I kind of thought I got him.
You know, but he was like, I'm gonna still think about this.
I get it. You know, anyone who's skeptical about not punishing their kids.
I think I just want to come out and say this.
I actually think it's a sign of how much you love and care about your kids.
You really care about their future.
You're invested. You want to do this thing in a way that's going to set them up.
I promise you I do, too.
And in that way, we're actually very alike.
and all I would ask and for me to is for all of us to just start to notice some assumptions we have start to be curious about ourselves I wonder where that thought comes from if I didn't accept a certain thought I had as true what might I ask myself I don't have to assume the thought is false but if I
just kind of put it in the bucket of things I can evaluate things I can break down and wonder about what I come next the other thing I just want to come out and say is When I'm asked about Good Inside parenting and how I would describe it, the word I would use is sturdy.
It's honestly the same word I use in the Good Inside Workplace about what we look for in our leaders and the kind of standard I hold myself to, being a sturdy leader.
That's what you need in a workplace, that's what you need from your pilot, that's what our kids need from us, and to me, the essence of sturdiness is a duality that honestly, until the Good Inside approach, I don't really think existed in the step -by -step way for parents.
And the duality is, a sturdy parent is at once able to set boundaries from a place of appropriately embodying their authority and is able to stay connected to their kid and see their kid as a good kid, all at the same time.
Boundaries, connection, these things go together, our best leaders in the workplace, our best coaches on the athletic field, our best parents.
They do both of these.
I also just want to add this doesn't come naturally.
I think this is something that's really held parents back.
What comes naturally with our kids is simply what our parents did with us.
It's in our bones, it's our factory settings.
And I think about parenting as a skill we can learn.
Just like an emotion regulation skill, just like a swimming skill.
Kids don't learn to swim at a certain birthday.
It's not gifted to them, you know, in a book.
I think the same thing is parenting.
Parenting in a way that's different from what came before us.
Parenting in a way that feels like a shift, but not too far of a shift, that you're like, ooh, I went so far in the other direction, I feel permissive.
Now, it's just about a set of skills.
And this truly is what gets me out of bed every day in the morning is making sure parents know you can learn this way of relating to your kids, relating to your self.
And yes, the stuff as you learn it is gonna change how you relate to people in the workplace and relate to your partner in all the most amazing ways.
And so if you're someone who likes next steps, please just check out everything we have at Good Inside .com.
It might not be for now, but it might be for a time, and they say yeah, I'm kind of ready to learn this skill, and I just want to say I'm honored to be with any and all of you along this journey.
Thank you for listening.
To share a story or ask me a question go to Good inside .com or you could write me at Podcast at Good inside .com.
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One last thing before I let you go.
Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts, us, and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.
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