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Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s.
The podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello everybody and welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast.
New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our 20s.
Here's a question for you.
How often do you find yourself thinking about the past?
How often do you find yourself daydreaming about your first year at college or that like amazing summer you had five years ago, the start of a relationship, your childhood.
In those moments do you feel happier afterwards or sad that no matter what you do you can't go back to that time or relive those moments.
If you answered sad or if you feel a real deep sense of longing you may or may not be getting stuck in what I like to call the nostalgia trap.
Spending more time in the past and in your memories and in those really amazing moments then in the present and constantly feeling like it was so amazing back then and it's never going to be as good as it was and I want to talk about it today because I think a lot of us are finding ourselves in that trap these days.
Nostalgia is a funny emotion in our 20s because although we are still objectively so young any person over 30 or 40 would tell you that there is still the sense that we are living out what most people would call the best year of best years of our lives.
There's already the sense of anticipatory nostalgia for these moments that aren't even over yet but on the other hand we're also getting to an age where we have enough formative memories and years to look back on and miss and it can honestly leave us feeling really down about the future and whether it will ever measure up to the amazing memories that we've made.
Let me say this nostalgia can be really good for some things it can keep us grateful positive it can bond us to people who were in those memories and in those moments with us there is even evidence that it can shield us from negative emotions but it can also cause us to honestly feel quite stuck to miss out on the present to just feel a real deep sense of longing and also to
not be as optimistic for the future.
So in today's episode I want to discuss why that is where does nostalgia really come from what purpose does it serve and most importantly what happens when it begins to take over.
There is no doubt in my mind at least that this generation is more nostalgic than ever we see that in the resurgence of movies, TV shows, you know picking up childhood hobbies as a form of escapism, why is that the case and how do we handle this increased level of nostalgia in a healthy way?
I am someone who is incredibly sentimental, I romanticized the past probably too much so I'm in the same boat as you guys, I am a 20 something already feeling like the best years I've behind me and I know that sounds ridiculous but I've just been having a whole lot of nostalgia recently I think because I've been traveling a lot and I was staying at this like beautiful
air B&B in Bali and I think because it was such an oasis and my mind was so quiet I really started reflecting on all the wonderful moments in my life and panicking and maybe not recreating them whilst I am quite literally in paradise so I get that it's quite a complex feeling and I just want to discuss the science and of course the psychology behind it and the secret world
of nostalgia I'm really excited to share everything that I've learnt with you and to help us all cope a little bit more without further ado let's get into it let's get our basics down pat to begin with before we dive into why we get stuck in the past there are two types of nostalgia there is historical nostalgia and personal nostalgia so historical nostalgia is a little
bit less common and it's you know nostalgia for a time in a place that you've never been that you've never existed in even so if you've ever seen people post that being born in the wrong generation in the wrong decade that's kind of an example of historical nostalgia wanting to return to a time period like the 60s or the 90s or wherever where people imagine life was better
even though it probably wasn't the kind of nostalgia that we're talking about today though is personal nostalgia and that is wishing to return to a memory a time a moment that you have already experienced yourself when we're talking about this kind of nostalgia we are talking about an emotional state that combines our memories that combines some form of sentimentality
and pleasure kind of delight and getting to experience a small bit of a feeling and a time for ourselves again but it also has this undertone of melancholy and pain it's a positive remembering because we really can only feel nostalgia about good experiences that we enjoyed or felt happy in or that we now see as being valuable but it's not necessarily a positive emotion because in this process
of remembering our nostalgia often stirs up this deeper feeling of like longing for a time we can never get back to and therefore feeling quite stuck I think the aching and the subtle sadness the longing is what really makes nostalgia nostalgia actually if you were to look at the Greek origins of the word you would find that it actually comes from two words nostos
meaning homecoming and algos meaning pain so in that way it's also really close to the meaning of the word home sickness right I think that that's something that we can all relate to nostalgia is you know not a sickness but a longing for a time and a home that we were once in it's really different from emotions and feelings like happiness sadness anger because they're
often so straightforward right they're very easy to identify but nostalgia is nuanced it's a mix of good and bad which means that we can find it hard to place but also it creates this like weird relationship where sometimes it can be pleasant when you're not like you know you're reminiscing with a friend you're thinking back on a really nice time in your life but then
on the flip side when you go too far you get overwhelmed by these really existential anxieties about time passing about the years slipping by about happiness and dread and fear so why do we actually feel this emotion what is its purpose I think that's the biggest question of the day nostalgia is in part caused by this thing called rosy retrospection the tendency
to recall the past more positively than it was actually experienced basically the word rosy retrospection comes from putting rose color glasses on I think about this all the time and how often I fall into this form of false or incorrect remembering just recently I caught up with my old friend Sam who I was really really close to at uni and we were just telling you know
like stories about the good old days over coffee and sorry hills and thinking about those times in our lives and of course you know we weren't thinking about the times when we were super stressed or hard broken or socially anxious or when you know we drank too much or we were in fights with people we only thought about the good things we only could really hone in on the laughter
and the positive memories and even when we were kind of like when I was leaving and I was like wow that was really really nice and thinking back on all these times I kind of like was calling myself out a bit I was like well it wasn't all like that and I know that it wasn't all like that but no matter how I how I how I try it can't really remember many of those details that is rosy
retrospection the reason this happens is because our brain has adapted to kind of wait out the bad memories over time if they don't particularly serve us if you've ever seen the movie inside out there's the scene in which the emotion joy basically is like oh we don't need these memories these bad memories I'm just going to get rid of them because you know it's kind
of better to have more happy memories than sad memories anyway that's a movie but it's also something that does really happen this helps us maintain a more positive sense of self which is what we want so nostalgia on some level can stop us reminiscing on all the bad and terrible times and keep us focused on the good times I think this theory does get a little bit complicated
when we start thinking about PTSD because in those instances people only focus on their negative memories in their intense trauma that is just a whole other episode but on a similar note there was a research paper published back in 2014 that also suggests that based on this rosy retrospection principle nostalgia can be mentally, cognitively, emotionally protective
because of the warm fund fuzzy feelings that it produces and that we can voluntarily tap into so of course nostalgia is sometimes triggered by a smell or a movie or a song or returning to like a city that you used to live in but we can also call on it deliberately and so when we're going through periods of isolation or things it's just kind of not working out for us nostalgia acts
as a sort of mental time travel and so as one researcher suggests it also helps us feel like we are more in control let me explain that for a moment so if for example you know you've just had an awful friendship break up you're feeling really stuck in your job you're feeling stuck in life and a lot of these circumstances are beyond your control but when you consciously
tap into your old memories they are within your control because they have already happened you know what to expect you know what feeling they're going to elicit and that is a positive one so it helps you regulate your emotional experience think about why we reminisce so much at funerals or graduations yes obviously it's like the context is the end of something but you
know the end of something stings and it hurts and it's out of our control but we can lessen that sting by thinking about all the good things that have come from that experience and shielding ourselves from the brunt of it using our own nostalgia to stop us getting really bogged down in the grief in the end if you want a study that kind of backs this up those this author Dr.
Yang who conducted a series of experiments on people a few years back and he found that when participants in his study were asked to reminisce on a really beautiful time in their life they were encouraged to be nostalgic they were less likely to perceive the pain or the sting of a small electric current versus people who were asked to just think about the future so it
was almost like sitting back in the memories of your past going back to that time stopped you from feeling the pain of the present and you know what that sounds like to me that sounds like nostalgia maybe a form of escapism it is a way to distance ourselves from our lives another explanation comes from possibly the biggest academic in this specific domain of nostalgia psychology
her name is Dr. Christine Bachar and I love what she has to say about this because I've never thought about it in this way before but on the speaking of psychology podcast which is another amazing psychology podcast if you're sick of mine she was interviewed and she explains how nostalgia helps unite our sense of self it helps unite who we were before and who we are now
and create this like a line or sense of continuity between the different versions of ourselves I have never thought about it in that way that nostalgia may be a form of identity preservation but it makes a lot of sense right if we never thought about who we were in the past the memories that have made us who we are today what we would like the happy times I think we would be
a lot more shallow as people and also a little bit lost because we aren't able to tap into how our past self treated a situation or what makes us us the final theory about why we experience nostalgia is that being able to look back at old memories gives us the opportunity to connect with others like I was telling you this example of me meeting up with an old friend we tapped
into those joint experiences that we felt so funny about and it gave us a chance to really reinforce an old bond but it can also help us problems of as well like there is a lot of knowledge and a lot of information in the past and nostalgia is our way of tapping into those to benefit our current self to benefit our current relationships to benefit our current mental state
so yes a few explanations most of them good or at least showing how nostalgia serves some function when we look at it that way what's really interesting and I did mention this at the beginning though is that for all of those benefits there has been a lot of suggestions from researchers and psychologists that this generation is experiencing more nostalgia than ever
so they are relying on its function and its utility for emotional protection for social connection more than any of the generation ever has think about this in terms of pop culture last year we saw Barbie basically break every single box office record like there ever is there you are currently in a Hollywood is releasing a bunch of movies based around childhood
nostalgia childhood tv shows objects you know things from the past we're all listening to like early 2000 throwbacks we're like getting back into childhood hobbies like getting digital cameras or journaling or scrapbooking or collecting trinkets and you know even on a personal level I have so many friends who have like said to me recently like oh remember the good
old days I just can't stop thinking about it we should go back to where we went to uni we should go back to these times here's why I think this is happening and it comes down to two elements the world is just really really tough right now we are more stressed than ever we are more overwhelmed by just like literally the chaos of living and we're very disconnected so we are resorting
to nostalgia as a protective defense mechanism we know from a 2016 study that we experience nostalgia more when our mood is lower because it helps us feel better it can also leave us feeling like we've returned somewhere safe that is familiar and you know it's a tough world out there maybe we need more of that we really want the comfort of the past and secondly I think
that it's a lingering effect of the pandemic and how that whole time in our lives put us in a weird limbo state for a few years when a lot of us were just starting out as adults there was a before and there was an after and it really kind of through a spanner in the works of our timelines and our memories and for many of us that experienced that in our in our early 20s it kind
of feels like this decade is now split into two parts so we are feeling nostalgic a lot sooner for what life was before because of what some researchers are calling the pandemic skip feeling like we skipped a lot of our life and our milestones because of those lockdowns that were obviously absolutely necessary because of that period of disease and fear and so we are consequently
more nostalgic for the past for a time before the pandemic but it also feels like because we lived through that like one two year period where we weren't really doing anything that suddenly we like put a stop to everything that was making us experience our youth and our joy so much and kind of what pushed straight into the adult world you feel more nostalgic for that time
before hopefully that makes sense hopefully you can resonate with that but this can create problems though because whilst feeling nostalgic maybe instinctual maybe in these circumstances is actually quite beneficial and is protecting us from some kind of negative mental state it can definitely go too far it can definitely become as I said before a form of escapism
and that is what I've been hearing a lot from you guys from the listeners I had this story from someone the other day he was like I don't even want to go out anymore like why would I keep living this life that I have why would I invest in new memories where my old memories are so good let's talk about it because that is no way to live your life you're in the get one of them I feel
like we all want to be more present how can we do that how can we break out of the nostalgia trap we're going to talk about all of that and more after this short break did you know that when it comes to gut health dairy can work wonders and that when your gut is healthy your body and your mind feel it too there are so many benefits to adding dairy into your diet but here are just
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let lactose sensitivity get in the way of a healthy gut because your body and your mind will be so much better for it this ad is sponsored by Undeniably Dairy me and my boyfriend just recently celebrated our anniversary you guys have been following along since the very beginning and it was so nice to be able to celebrate by booking a super private Airbnb up in the mountains
it's so cold in Australia at the moment so one thing Tom really wanted was a fireplace which we most certainly got it was the most beautiful weekend being able to explore this part of Australia that so few people visit but we found the most perfect Airbnb to stay with a hot tub walking distance to the town and of course that toasty fireplace we really couldn't have asked
for a better weekend tucked away in our Airbnb it was the best way to ring in this next year of our relationship one of my most treasured pieces of jewelry was a gift from my mom from Pandora it was such a timeless piece and I still wear it every single day and to make it extra special it also had a personal engraving from her that I will always cherish because of that Pandora jewelry
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The saying always goes too much of anything even a good thing can quickly become a bad thing and the same goes for our nostalgia there is always a point for me when it switches from reminiscing and feeling really happy about all the memories that I've made with the people that I love to wondering and getting really stuck in this quite dark bubble of like is it ever going
to get as good as that is ever going to be like it was then and the answer is like I don't know and that answer is a scary one because it's quite uncertain it's also really tapping into a big fear that a lot of us 20 somethings have this decade is depicted as the best years of our lives and full of spark in our greatest moments the older we get the more scary it becomes and the more
detached we feel from this period and from these like golden amazing years that everyone is telling us to enjoy it can be hard to not want to hold on to that and to not want to be careless and youthful and enthusiastic but I don't think that's a healthy way to think I don't think it's healthy to think that our 20s are the best that it's ever going to be because a lot of research
actually says that it's not and this is exactly when our nostalgia becomes maladaptive meaning harmful kind of productive it distances you from reality because if your present isn't as good as the past why would you want to spend more time there when you can just keep replaying what's already happened it's a cycle the more time you spend in your memories the worse
your present feels which causes you to revert back to nostalgia even more and then you know the cycle continues to begin to perceive your daily life even worse and it just never ends despite the fact that actually you're probably not remembering those moments all that accurate anyway that's what the whole principle of rosy retrospection is telling us as much as
me like nostalgia can we really trust nostalgia that is the key thing to remember the times you feel nostalgic for were they necessarily that much better than where you are now and even if they were what's to say that it's not going to be like that again just because you're in a tough spot regardless moving on from that it stops us from I think trying to make do with what our
current circumstances are and it can leave us feeling quite detached I had a friend from university that I let's touch with a few years back super lovely guy so intelligent but he was someone who would always without fail when we would catch up he would just want to talk about specifically our first year of university even five six seven years on he would bring up like
the same five memories or moments of us drinking at our college bar or the time that we all were like running around and I don't know what we were doing just like funny stuff crazy stuff and it almost kind of like became a joke between us like I would tease him I was like oh my gosh which which memories are you going to pull out today like I can't wait to reminisce and the older
I've gotten the more I realized that still he's not been able to really let go of those times but I think that those memories let him get back to a happy place and his life you know wasn't as good as it was then and so it was a coping mechanism this often goes hand in hand with a phenomenon notice Peter Pan syndrome Peter Pan syndrome describes people who don't want to grow
up or accept responsibility accept the future maybe an element of that is because they are very infatuated with their youth and staying young and infatuated with the past it's a very extreme consequence of chronic nostalgia but it's not like we don't see it something interesting here that I read about the other day was a 2013 report released by Georgetown University
which spoke about how Peter Pan syndrome is becoming more common now because of how hard it is to transition into adulthood in recent decades you know becoming financially independent I think that's one domain where we can all relate it's really hard it's a lot harder than it was for our parents generation and it kind of means that we want to stay a kid a little bit
longer before having to face the reality that oh yeah you know I'm probably never going to be able to afford a home I'm have to pay bills I like it's this never ending cycle of adult responsibilities that might feel really comfortable for a while but I think we all know that sometimes avoidance and suppressing reality like trying to I don't know create the illusion that you
can stop the clock is you know that illusion is inevitably going to fade and you're going to be left with a reality that you can't necessarily cope with one final downside of too much nostalgia it it taints the present before we've even left it and it can end us end up making us feel quite existential because we we start missing things too soon this is this idea called
anticipatory nostalgia missing something before it's even over feeling sad and anxious whilst you are still in the process of making the memory like when you're already thinking about how the holiday is going to end or you meet someone new and amazing and you're already contemplating how awful the breakup is going to be like you move into a new house you're already
picturing moving out that's a personal one I literally had that for thought recently when I moved I was like wow I wonder what it's going to be like to pack up this place and I was like that's really not healthy because I'm already feeling sad for a moment that I haven't in a period of time that I haven't even experienced yet and it can honestly feel like time is slipping
away what can we do about that where is the balance what is the line between feeling reflective and appreciating your happy memories and falling into an obsession with the past and also falsely believing that that is the best it will ever be well I've got four tips for you guys today to kind of get back to the bright side of nostalgia and break out of the nostalgia trap
firstly give yourself space for nostalgia and embrace it this may sound counter intuitive but every emotion has a place and serves a function otherwise they wouldn't exist I believe that fully and we know that nostalgia is actually quite useful in certain situations so we don't want to ban ourselves from ever dipping into the past also because the more you deny
something usually the stronger it gets that's the whole principle behind avoidance it's about balance but more than that leaning into your nostalgia rather than fighting against it because that just makes it stronger a few ways that we can do this firstly use this tactic that I like to call the acknowledge and divert tactic this basically involves you know when you
feel nostalgia coming up give yourself two to five minutes to feel it to really be like yeah that was such a great time I really miss those people I really miss those memories and then transition into doing something else that is kind of aligned with nostalgia so for example swap out thinking about the past with thinking about the future I also like to swap out longing
for the past with gratitude like wow it's amazing that I got to have those experiences rather than I wish I was still there but also keeping a running list of things that I'm excited for in the future and every time I feel myself getting sad about the past and you know sad about the memories that exist there I like to add myself add something else to that list so I always
think about like when I get my first dog how exciting is that going to be when I get to decorate my own home that I own you know I can think about the next time I get to go on vacation and it positions myself to think positively about my future memories and their capacity to be amazing rather than only focusing on what comes before adding to that I would also say create events
book trips put things in the calendar to look forward to so that feeling nostalgia is not the only thing that comes up watch just how this works wonders I think hope and anticipation is such a beautiful antidote to a lot of things not just nostalgia secondly I would say probe what about those times makes you so reminiscent and happy is the reason you feel nostalgic
for that time when you lived with your friends in that big house or when you saw your friends every day or when you were at uni or at college or in high school is it because there is something contained in those memories that you now feel like you are missing is it because you were lonely now is it because you feel isolated it's really important to remember that often you're
on a stout job is indicating to you something that you don't feel like you currently have something about your current circumstances that needs to shift whether you need more community more people more I don't know hope like more work life balance more purpose whatever it is what we feel nostalgic for is usually what we lack because you can't really miss something
if you still have it and the same goes for a lot of things like feeling nostalgic not just for the times when you had a lot of friends but feeling nostalgic for a free a time of a lot of freedom or a time when you were experiencing a lot of love the root of nostalgia is longing so by fulfilling that aspect that we miss in our lives by addressing it normally the nostalgia tends
to fade on that note as well remember that there are cognitive biases at work here that you can't see that are sometimes causing you to think about things and think about things in the past as being better than they were if you need a little bit of a reality check try and fill in the gaps not necessarily just to focus on the negatives but make sure that you're not ignoring
the nuances of your memories I see this a lot with people who have just gone through a breakup normally like two to three months down the line they'll really start reminiscing and they'll really start being like oh but I really like he made me feel amazing she was so kind she was so smart remember that time that we went and picked Nicked and that beautiful thing happened
and it's like that is 0.001% of that experience and that is your mind trying to keep the positive memories afloat to block out the darkness when you really start to fill in the gaps of those experiences and when you know in these situations I encourage people to be like okay but tell me tell me a negative memory tell me a negative experience then a style to also starts
to fade because I think you just you see things as clearer and more realisticly and you stop glamorizing them some people can end up falling into quite a nest what they call a nostalgic depression which isn't a specific DSM diagnosis but basically describes a pattern of symptoms surrounding depression that are mainly focused on feeling overwhelmingly dissatisfied
about the present compared to the past and I'm not sure how common this is but if you truly can't find a way to live in the moment if you're feeling increasingly deflated exhausted by life not wanting to try I think that's also where more help is required and a therapist might suggest some things for you to do like mindfulness or focusing on intentional nostalgia rather
than spontaneous nostalgia which basically means like we said before giving yourself a dedicated time to feel nostalgic and to let that inform your next steps to feel grateful for the past to connect with others but then also refocus on the future refocus on you know what's going on right now I want to say this for the people who really struggle with the stout jar
you would be blown away by how many people feel exactly the same way as you do who wish for a time that has passed who wonder if it will ever be good as it was before who you know watch those golden memories and feel really sad that it's over but here's the thing when you ask yourself is it going to get better it will there is your answer and here's how I know why I know that from a study
that was published in 2018 in this book called the Happiness Curve this study in this book in general looked at happiness over our lifetime we normally reach peak happiness around our mid-20s to 30s so that's basically where most of us are at right now we're kind of just past or reaching or close to reaching peak happiness then it kind of starts to plateau and decrease
after our 30s which is when we tend to get more nostalgic this is when I think we start to think that the best years are behind us and just when we lose hope in our 40s in our late 40s look at that things start picking up again and by the time we're in our late 50s early 60s we are often the happiest that we have ever been and our nostalgia just becomes gratitude and it goes hand in hand with the good
experiences that we continue to have so that myth that this is the best years of your life not true seems you've got a little while longer before that happens and in the meantime you're still going to make really really really good memories I know it feels like a long time away especially if you're trapped in the nostalgia cycle right now but you can't feel nostalgic
forever eventually there will be eventually you kind of start to realize like but now I'm feeling nostalgic for a time when I was nostalgic about a time when I was nostalgic like if you kind of get around coming from it's like you're still making memories in the process that you're going to be nostalgic for in three six months and so your brain kind of starts to teach
itself like hmm maybe it's better to focus on these now so that we have more to feel thankful for in the future and it will eventually I think start to do some of the work for you and break you out of the cycle that is the most important thing that I think actually the best way to finish out this episode is to remind you fully wholeheartedly that right now these days that you
are living you will eventually look back on funnily and even if you don't look back on them funnily you will find a lesson contained in them and you will find something in them to remember in some positive or informative light so just try your best to focus on what's happening around you right now even if it's a rough time in your life it's leading you somewhere bigger
one day this will be a memory to reminisce on when the good times come back around I know that the nostalgia trap feels so rough sometimes that it also sometimes feels really nice to live in the past when everything when we already understood everything that was going to happen but whatever you do whatever you do do not base your life on just a few memories continue
to create fuel and make more so that your future self has more to think about your future self has more to feel grateful for thank you again for listening to this episode thank you to those of you who suggested it it was a great topic to cover I feel like the more I speak about it to people around me the more people come out of the woodworking are oh yeah I have those existential
fears I have those worries as well so as always I think that vulnerability unites us and that vulnerability makes us feel less alone so I hope that you learn something I hope that you can take something away and apply it to your own life if you enjoyed this episode make sure that you are following along on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and please feel free to leave a five
star review it helps the show to grow so much and I really appreciate saying your feedback and hearing from you guys and just knowing you know what's going on in your lives but also what content you want to see what episodes you want to hear so if that if you've got an episode suggestion if you've got something on your mind please feel free to dam me on Instagram at that psychology
podcast I would love to hear from you I would love to hear you know what you want us to talk about so until next time until we talk soon stay safe stay kind and of course be gentle with yourself this is it we've got an amx platinum pro on our hands ladies and gentlemen we haven't seen anyone relax like this before in the centurion lounge is he connecting to complimentary
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