Hey folks.
All right.
Buckle up because we have another episode of Dear Headspace.
So today I'm sitting with Kay Sunga and we are joined by Samantha, who is a clinician here at Headspace.
And we have some really great questions from our listeners today.
Okay.
There's a question about how to create a sense of belonging and Also a question about how to not feel guilty if you say no to a favor.
And we have one about intense emotions that come up while meditating.
So let's get right to it.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
Hi, friends.
How's everybody doing today?
Doing well.
Doing well, Robin.
Greetings, greetings, everyone.
So happy to be here.
I'm doing really good today.
I'm excited about being on Dear Headspace for the first time, so I'm ready to just get into it.
I'll tell you what, we are so excited to have you here with us.
Absolutely so.
You know me, I'm just like more voices, more help.
It's all good.
That's how I look at it.
It's a party.
Right?
Well, it's funny that we're like talking about it like this, because our first question it's all about creating a sense of home or belonging, which is, you know, for me, something I always feel right here at Dear Headspace.
So here is Nadia with our first question.
Dear Headspace, my name is Nadia.
I'm from Italy, but I've been living in Australia for the past eight years.
And I've been feeling the need to go back home and to be with my family.
But unfortunately, when I'm there, I don't feel like I belong there.
So my question is, how do you create a sense of belonging or how do you feel at home?
Well, thank you for that question, Nadia.
You know, what's interesting is, this is a question that we get a lot, which is why I think it's important that we keep answering the question, because so often people you know either they've moved somewhere or they're just out of college and they're starting a career somewhere.
Like there's just a million different reasons and people end up in new areas and they don't have community.
So I think it's such a great question, but this is like an even deeper version of it, of Like, how do you find belonging or home?
I know it's a bit paradoxical, right?
Because she's saying that she's away from her family and she's missing them tremendously.
But at the same time, when she is with them, she doesn't feel that belonging.
She feels like an outsider in a way.
What I'm hearing is that there is definitely a paradox here.
But at the same time, there is that sense of missing them, right?
So the mere fact that you are missing them and that you long to be with them means that there is some level of intimacy.
There is some level of love that is present between you and your family, Nadia.
And so, in going on this journey of belonging, as you say, I would invite you to lean into that love and that intimacy that is present, because that can help you along the way.
For the second part which I'm going to state, which is I'm curious if you've communicated this feeling to your family.
Yeah.
This feeling of being kind of like an outsider and not belonging.
Have you communicated that to your family?
So that's something that...
That I would also invite you to do in a mindful way, of course.
Yeah.
You know, it's interesting is when Nadia's question was playing, you can hear her very strong Italian accent, but then you hear little touches of Australia coming in.
I thought that was so interesting because it's like you are of two worlds.
It's like, what can we do to plant roots in a new place and be connected to the old place?
You know, I'm thinking of like one of the really early deer headspace is like a very, very early one where Sam talked about doing Zoom, like weekly Zoom game nights with her family, so that there was connection, you know, because it's like you can be in two worlds, technology wise, these days, which is, I think, something that maybe should be exploited.
Yeah, absolutely.
And one thing that I heard was this need to feel belonging, and the last thing that you said Nadia, was to feel at home, and it was kind of like a trail off.
But home, and when I think of that question, it made me think about how do you define home and do you feel like you can create that home on the inside and are able to carry that with you, because sometimes that that's what we we're needing?
How do we create that sense of safety and security within ourselves so home goes wherever we are?
Yeah, I have a vision of, like Nadia, maybe journaling a little bit toward what's missing, like what are the things that you want?
Like what, what reminds you of home?
Like exploring the idea of home or belonging.
Absolutely.
I really appreciate the suggestion of journaling and then having an idea of what belonging means.
There are three things that make up belonging, and it's acceptance, connections and having shared values.
And so maybe thinking through, when you do go home, do you still feel accepted within your family or your communal groups?
Do you have connections and can you create those connections?
Like we've shared.
Share some of the things that you've enjoyed or you picked up in Italy with your family and friends when you go back home.
And then also revisit some of your values when you're having this conversation with your family, just to reestablish that connection when you do go home.
And I appreciate journaling so much because it just helps you to get reminded that oh, wait a minute, I do have those things.
I've been holding them to myself, but I do have them.
Maybe sharing them might help me to feel more like I have that sense of belonging.
Well, and I don't know about you guys, but like when my feelings are messed up or like when I don't have like a hold of them, everything can be confusing.
So that's why journaling works really well for me, because it helps me be like oh, I'm not mad about that.
I'm just missing this.
You know.
So it's like I think there's something about separating that out to find out what's missing for Nadia.
You know, journaling oftentimes creates a sense of clarity.
And also it may when you're journaling something that you didn't even know was there might come up.
Yes.
Right.
So that's definitely speaks to the power of journaling.
So, Nadia, that might definitely be something to to try out also.
I mean, there's there's really like lots here for Nadia.
It's just, it's a question of like, discovering and figuring out kind of the like, the what's what, and then putting some stuff into place.
Because it's like there I do think there's so many ways to find community and to find home.
Like once you understand what you're missing, what you're looking for.
And to bring it back, bring it back to your own family to create that that connection.
Yeah.
Give them an opportunity to connect with you and join in with you.
I think oftentimes we go through these things and we don't share them with the people we are trying to connect with.
And I think that's a way that we can honor them by bringing them into the fold and just letting them know hey, this is what I'm experiencing and this is how I'd like to create some belonging for us.
Because it's not just about You're belonging for you.
Belonging doesn't mean just doesn't include one person.
It's a communal thing.
So how can we create belonging within your your family and community?
And they won't know until you all do it together.
Amazing.
Well, thank you so much for your question, Nadia.
And, you know, we like to say this, but keep us posted.
Let us know how this all shakes out.
All right.
Now let's move on to our next question.
Hi, good morning.
This is Jorge Luis from Chicago, Illinois.
So my question involves like doing favors and also dealing with guilt.
I have a family that we're just like very close.
And because we're very close, we tend to do a lot of favors for each other, some more than others.
I'm kind of the one that tends to do a lot of favors.
But there's days where, you know, I'm not having that great of a day.
I feel overwhelmed and I'm getting asked to do these favors.
And for the most part, I'm OK doing the favors.
But like I said, there's those days where I don't feel that great.
So doing these favors makes me feel overwhelmed.
However, I feel bad saying no.
And if I do say no, I feel guilty and I feel this feeling kind of bothering me throughout the day.
So I guess my question is how can I deal with these thoughts or emotions to either feel okay when I do the favors or feel okay when I feel like saying no?
Oh, thank you for this question, Jorge Luis.
There's a lot in there because you heard him say, I'm kind of the person who's doing them a lot.
Like that was the very first thing that jumped out at me is like everyone's like oh, he'll handle it.
Give him a call.
That's what that kind of sounded like.
Yeah.
Jorge has definitely created some expectations here.
And this is another tricky one because it involves family.
You know, whenever family is involved, it can definitely get complicated. complex.
But what I'm also hearing from this situation is that this is a lot of love that's present also.
There's a closeness.
This is a close family.
So in this situation, it can be very dangerous and tricky not to mindfully express yourself, Jorge.
Because if you don't, now you're risking the the possibility of resentment being built up.
I was like the bottling up of the anger.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So because y'all are such a loving and close family, see what it's like.
See what it's like to really explicitly and mindfully express how you're feeling.
Maybe in those instances where you're not feeling overwhelmed, right?
When you're not feeling so bogged down, then that might be a good, because when you're feeling overwhelmed, Your message may not get across as you as effectively as you want it to be.
But when you're feeling perfectly lighthearted, that might be the time to be like OK, you know, oftentimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed, you know blah blah, blah.
Can you give an example of like what it would look like to mindfully like?
Maybe you're mindfully expressing to me how amazing I am.
Yeah.
So how would that look?
Samantha, Robin, let me let me highlight y'all really quickly.
Remember two weeks ago when y'all asked me to do such and such?
Well, I was actually really, really under a lot of stress and I was really feeling overwhelmed.
I know I did what you asked me to do, but I was actually kind of afraid to say no.
Because I was I know I would feel guilty if I would say no.
Do y'all think that in the future?
I'm curious how y'all would respond if I was to say no in that kind of situation.
Y'all asking me a favor.
Is it all right if I tell y'all, you know, look, I'm just so overwhelmed right now.
Do y'all think that's something that y'all would be able to accept?
Something along those lines.
That's so good.
You know what's so good about that, though, is that you did it not in a triggered moment.
And that you did it looking back like there's nothing at stake.
So the people aren't not getting a thing from you and you already did the thing like it.
So that's a great like just even how you set that up is so good.
Right.
I call it setting boundaries with love instead of setting boundaries out of anger.
Because sometimes you are.
You're going to find yourself setting boundaries out of anger if you wait too long.
Yeah.
If it's in the moment and you're like, I'm done.
Ask me anything.
The answer is a hard no.
You want to be able to give your best yes and not your hardest no.
Oh, I like that.
I want to give my best yes and not my hardest no.
Oh, my God.
I love that.
That's such a great that's such a great phrase.
That's lovely.
Well, and also, I mean, I have a question for you, Jorge Luis, and you started to talk a little bit about it in your question, but what's at stake for you?
I think sometimes that helps me have hard conversations is if I do this, then I won't be able to do this important thing for myself or I'll be so exhausted that you know I will not be able to show up for, you know, my friend who's coming into town.
But like, what's at stake?
And I think sometimes knowing that helps me to say, I can't really do it for you this time.
Check back with me again next time.
Yeah, for sure.
And there's definitely some fear, right?
You made me think, Robin, about the emotions that are present for Jorge right now.
And so, you know, fear for sure is present.
And maybe some guilt, obviously, he expressed that.
But that idea of taking a tally of what is it going to cost me, I think can be an excellent way to confront those emotions.
Especially if you're a person that just really wants to help people.
Sounds like he is that person, right?
Right.
He sounds like that person because everyone's going to him.
So it's like he's probably very good at being a helper.
He's probably very.
But it's like it's a hop, skip and a jump from helping to enabling, in my opinion.
But then again, I'd like to say I'm not a therapist, but you are, Samantha.
What are your thoughts on that?
One thing I did hear, though that there is love within the family and that they are helpful to each other.
And you want to also believe best intent and that people do want you to be able to pour from a full cup.
And so how are you making sure your cup is always full and knowing that, if you are not like putting yourself first and prioritizing yourself, doing what you need to make sure you are prioritizing your self-care?
People want the best for you.
And when you're giving the best to yourself, they're going to get the best of you.
And it may be hard for them to understand that, but you teach people how to treat you.
And what do you need to do today to start teaching people how to treat you?
And it will be hard for people to.
When you start talking about enabling behaviors, when you have enabled it for so long, it is really hard for people to start changing their behaviors.
Yeah.
So they may not respond well in the beginning of setting boundaries with love, but you keep setting them and hold fast to them and you start to teach people how to treat you and you'll start to see some changes.
Well, it's great that you brought that up, because the back part of his question was how do I mindfully process when I do something I don't want to?
I was going to say shouldn't, but I don't mean that, but something I don't want to.
And how do I mindfully process when I have to say no?
So I think, can you speak a little to that?
Absolutely.
And he also mentioned like without having guilt.
And I don't know that you can remove guilt.
Guilt is an emotion that's naturally likely to come up.
It's just sort of just processing that it might happen.
And it's a part of the change process.
And remember, you are in a change process yourself.
While you are teaching people how to treat you, you're You are going through that process.
And so what do you need for you?
Like, what do you need to put in place?
Do you need to be working with a coach?
Do you need to be working with your own accountability partner, a friend, someone that you can speak to and say hey, I'm going to start doing this thing?
How can I take care of myself in the process?
How can I hold myself accountable?
Really thinking about both sides, but also, more importantly, yourself in this process, will help you to be consistent with the changes you're trying to make.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's not about trying to get rid of the strong emotions, right?
But also recognizing when you're creating stories in your mind as to what will happen if I do this right.
Because oftentimes we create those stories and those narratives before we even do it.
And we create that fear that's obviously present with Jorge.
And because that fear is present, we don't.
We back away and we just endure.
Right.
So also being being aware of those stories and those narratives that you're creating on your own.
I mean.
But no matter what, Jorge Luis, you are a delightful human being who is helpful and part of a community of love.
And I think, like when you can, as you start, like cause, I think both Kaysanga and Samantha have mentioned that there may be tough points in these conversations, but as you start doing it, just remind yourself of that.
Maybe even replay this episode of Dear Headspace to remind yourself of your delightfulness and your helpfulness.
Yeah, and give Samantha a call.
We're going to be providing her number at the end of the episode.
Samantha's like, don't give out my personal number.
You can get me through Headspace, for God's sakes.
Well, thank you so much for this question.
That was really a wonderful, wonderful question.
All right, we will be right back.
Welcome back.
And here is our last question from Clara.
Dear Headspace, hello, I'm Clara.
And first of all, I love you.
I've been on this journey with you for eight years now.
And yeah, it's been great.
My question is a few weeks ago, I had a really intense meditation experience.
I was doing the acceptance meditation and I was sitting and I felt like at some point I was like super at ease.
And then I got swept over by like a wave of like, I don't know, emotions, feelings.
I don't know.
I can't even really describe it.
But I had never experienced this before in eight years.
And so that was quite intense and a little bit scary.
And now, every time I sit down to meditate, I am a bit resistant and I'm afraid this feeling comes up because I don't know how to handle it or how to describe it or what it was.
I can't really make sense of it.
Yeah.
Do you have any tips how to sit down again or have you had those kind of experiences as well?
Thank you for everything you do and take care.
Well, this was a really wonderful question.
I have to say before we get into it when Clara started off with I love you, I was taking a drink and she was so like speaking from her heart that I was like well, I love you too, Clara.
It was so direct.
It was such a nice moment.
But, you know, Clara's talking about strong emotions, you know, when sitting, what do you think?
No, I mean, I think it's a great, Great question, Clara.
And thank you for asking it because it's not uncommon.
It's not uncommon, when sitting in meditation, to experience strong emotions, strong physical sensations or both.
And so the first thing I would say is it's perfectly OK.
Right.
There's no need to judge it or think something is wrong.
It happens.
It totally happens.
We oftentimes give the instructions before a meditation to be gentle with yourself.
If, at any time during this meditation, if it becomes too overwhelming, allow yourself to just pause, allow yourself to just stop and take that break, allowing yourself to do that.
And then knowing that you can always come back to the meditation at any time.
And from there the concept of beginner's mind.
Oftentimes we base our experiences now or what's to come on something that has happened in the past.
Right.
So it sounds like Clara, you're expressing some fear about sitting because your last meditation was so overwhelming.
It was such a powerful experience.
And so, again, that's perfectly OK.
But just being aware of that judgment and knowing whether you have a quote unquote good experience or quote unquote bad experience, this meditation is completely brand new.
Oh, that's interesting, you know, embracing that other concept of letting go, letting go that past experience, embracing beginner's mind and seeing what happens with that gentle and kind curiosity, with this sitting, with this meditation, knowing that if it becomes too overwhelming again you can pause and stop.
Yeah, that feels easier said than done in some ways, especially if it was a strong emotion.
We don't know from Clara if that's something that has triggered, from her past or whatever.
So like I'm just thinking of that moment, like if you've ever done something that like hurt it, like physically, and you wanted you have to do it again, but you like have all that past, like how do you take that step over to tell yourself this is a new experience, but yeah, I still might get slapped again?
I'm thinking about safety and what it's like to create safety within yourself and some ideas for maybe creating safety before you're sitting for that meditation session.
And that might be doing some grounding techniques, where you're using your five senses and maybe thinking about something you see hear smell taste touch, to just remind yourself you are secure, you're safe, you're in your home car, wherever it is.
You're having this session.
And then also maybe creating a container.
And that's another thing that you can do where you put these feelings into a container.
And when you're feeling safe enough, you can let them out of that container and continue with your meditation session.
That's interesting.
I like that.
Yeah, it's almost.
It almost speaks to the idea of giving yourself permission to To let go, giving yourself permission to start anew, giving yourself permission to be in this safe, safe space, for lack of a better term.
All right.
And it's curious what you were saying about it being difficult, right?
Being difficult, easier said than done.
And that can be very true.
And I think what Samantha was saying about creating a container and giving yourself permission.
That's what makes it easier.
Right.
That's what makes it easier to take that.
All right.
I'm going to sit again.
Let me do this preparation and give myself permission to let go.
Give myself permission to be in this in this safe in this safe space.
You know.
Yeah.
A couple of times in my life and coincidentally enough, both times it was when I was pregnant I had panic attacks.
I think it was probably estrogen related.
But the second one, I could feel it coming on because I had had one.
The first one, I was just like, what's happening?
Why am I so scared?
And why do I want all the lights on?
But I'm thinking would it be helpful for Clara to know how she was feeling right before it started to feel overwhelming?
So maybe she could drop back a bit?
Or is it more like I also have young kids and knowing that they have emotions and they come and then they go, if they let go?
You know, as adults sometimes we get stuck, or is it neither?
I think it's.
I think it's um.
In my humble opinion, I would say it's contextual.
You know um in in the situation that you just spoke of, as far as panic attacks especially, one of the instructions I always give is you know okay, I know what.
This is right.
I've experienced this before.
So in that situation, sure.
With sitting, I often give the instruction of being just curious, moment by moment, as to what's showing up.
I'll give a personal story here.
I remember this was maybe a couple of years ago.
I had a very powerful meditation where I felt like my spirit left my body.
Ooh.
And I was actually looking at myself sitting.
That was hella scary for me.
All right.
So that was very powerful.
And so I immediately I took my breaths and I just stopped, because it was just too much for me in that moment.
Yeah.
Now, weeks later.
I did feel that same kind of sensation, like that might happen again.
However, I just, I took my breaths.
I recognized what was present and I kind of rode the wave.
I always use my breath as my focal point, right?
Yeah.
And so the meditation was a very powerful experience, but it wasn't overwhelming.
It wasn't as overwhelming.
Yeah.
I would really just say, Really stepping into that moment-by-moment experience.
And if you feel like you need to stop, then stop.
Right.
With meditation, right, and dealing with contextual, I would say just see what happens.
Embracing that kind curiosity.
Just see what happens.
See what happens.
Knowing that I have permission to stop whenever I need to.
Yeah, I was I was thinking of like, is there a mantra like I'm safe?
Yeah, I'm home.
I'm like, whatever the things are that, like Samantha, you spoke earlier about, like having safety things in place so that you feel safe.
Like it seems like that would be very helpful.
Absolutely.
I do think it is so important that we have a toolbox of things that we can tap into, because this is what makes meditation so accessible is just knowing that for each of us, we might have a different experience.
Sometimes trauma comes up.
Sometimes different things will come up that we aren't aware of.
And meditation creates space for that.
But how we manage it when it comes up is is what's important.
And a lot of times people need to have that toolbox in place before they experience things.
That's that's ideal.
But if you do not, then these are some great suggestions is to be curious about the emotions you're having.
Journal about them.
Explore those emotions.
And think about what safety might feel like the next time you do sit.
Of course you know.
Speak with a coach or therapist about what you're experiencing, especially if it's something related to trauma.
But definitely go there and always have your toolbox.
Yeah.
Something that came up when you just said.
That is, remembering that the practice meditation, the whole idea is to bring the practice into practice, your everyday life.
So, just as you're giving yourself permission to to pause and to stop during your practice, your meditation practice, giving yourself permission in your everyday life also when, if you're feeling overwhelmed, if you're feeling overstressed that's the whole idea right to bring that up present moment awareness into your everyday life.
So, if you need to pause, you need to, you know, take a step back from whatever it is that's making you feel stressed or overwhelmed.
That's the whole idea of the practice and your real life is is a it's a harmonious merge.
That we're, that we're going for.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, thank you so much for your question, Clara.
This was so wonderful.
And sometimes there's a delay.
It can be small.
It can be a little bit longer between when you all send your questions in and when we're able to answer them and have them be on air.
So I hope for you Clara, is that since sending the question in, you've kind of already gotten back to it and you've already walked through this.
But if you haven't, hopefully this was helpful.
Well, that was just absolutely invaluable advice from both of you on all these questions.
Really.
Yeah, it was great questions.
Very, very relatable.
It made me think of some meditations that I would actually recommend in the app.
There's one called Connection and Belonging that I think would be very helpful.
And another one called Communicating with Care.
So both of those meditations I think would be pertinent to what we talked about today.
Oh, that's fantastic.
I just I love the suggestion.
I'm noting it.
I'm taking it down.
I'm promising myself I'm going to try it out.
I'm not going to be mean to myself if I don't.
Okay, I just want to say thank you to all the folks who sent their questions in today.
Nadia, Jorge, Luis, and Clara, thank you so much.
And we are here for all of your questions.
So if you are at home and you want your question answered right here on Dear Headspace, all you have to do is head over to sayhichat, slash Dear Headspace to record your question.
And if we use it in the show, you're going to get three months of Headspace for free.
That sounds awesome.
And now, as always, I have one last thing for everyone, for all the listeners.
We've built in a moment, a moment or two, a moment or three, just to transition between this moment and the next thing that you have in your day.
And this is just a time to reflect on what you've just experienced or what you just heard, and just to allow your mind to settle in.
So, here are some sounds from the Firehole River in the Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming.
And as you listen, just allow your mind to do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy, and be kind to each other.
Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones, and Scott Sorenson.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer, Sarah Cohn, Barron Farmer, and Danny Karisamy.
Our production coordinator is Taylor Jennings-Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Kesunga Giscombe, Dora Kamau, Samantha Snowden, Eve-Louise Prieto and Rosie Acosta.
Post-production is by Dan Kroll.
Music is by Scott Sorensen and Chris Mergia.
And a special thanks to Colleen Lutz.
