You're listening to Round Table, I'm Steve Hatherly, together today with Niu Honglin and Yu Turn.
Coming up, oh my goodness - the prospect of your parents meddling in your dating life can be offputting to say the least.
But here in China, some parents are taking to dating apps to find love for their kids, We'll discuss and after that the happiest of happy places on the airwaves stick around for Roundtable's happy place Our podcast listeners can find us at Roundtable China on Apple podcast and please don't forget that we
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And now, I wonder if you're tired of swiping left and right on those dating apps?
Well, parents in China aren't.
they've discovered a way to do it on your behalf.
Lately, the emergence of parental proxy dating apps inspired heated discussion online, and unlike common dating apps these programs are designed for the parents who are seeking matches for their single adult children.
But before we ask the million dollar question of whether love can truly blossom under the watchful eyes of your mom and dad, Let's find out exactly what this is all about.
I mean, this just seems like a family fight waiting to happen.
In a lot of the cases, it might as well lead to family fights.
But the initial purpose of these apps is just, like you said, Steve, designed for users who are actually parents.
So these parents, they're up there looking for potential future in -laws by matching with each other as in other parents of other single adults.
So, basically, these apps, they vary from common dating apps, as we commonly know, mainly in the ways help parents display their children's profiles.
I was seeing pictures, and I was trying to get on one of these apps as, well, basically it's like a drop -seeking fare.
online job app that parents post their single adult child's information in the way that might attract other parents to select your single daughter or son to match with their single daughter or son.
You've been on this app to do research.
No no no I wasn't being accusatory.
No, the reason I ask is because I wanted to know exactly what it looks like.
Because on a dating app, right, you see the picture of a person, typically a person on your usual dating app and then you swipe left or right, for these parent dating apps, I don't even know how to say that because they're not parent dating apps.
No. They're dating apps for parents.
Well, that's also incorrect.
I think they're in -law child searching or hunting apps.
Thank you. It's more like a job hunting app that has all the info posted on.
So you don't actually see the candidate's face or say biopictures.
Not even pictures. Yeah, the picture is not a priority here.
It's the hardcore factors, including their job, their age, their current field of work, their income monthly, annually each ever, their home ownership, and also a general description of their personality, and that's more or less from the parents' perspective.
So like a resume? Yeah, exactly.
So when you go onto the app where typically you would see a person's photo, here you see the resume, and then if you like the resume, you can go ahead and try to make a connection with the Provider of that resume, who is the parents of that children that child being described better So then they get
a notification that you want to make contact So then they check out their child's resume and if they decide oh, okay This is a potential good match, then they agreed to talk and exchange photos Oh, and then the photo exchange yeah So I know that dating apps are hugely popular in China and Any other
places in the world as well, but here in China there were 275 dating apps with more than 1 ,000 downloads back in 2022 so that's an up from 81 in 2017 according to a online data platform data AI so Sometimes we see people actually even try to look for a job via dating app, but this is something similar
to that, but not exactly the same.
It's because it's parent driven, and they're operating behind it.
Of course there are ups and downs, but when it comes to the downs, it's quite obvious.
Your parents, it's really not that easy for your parents to find the love of your life.
They might not have the same priority as you when you are searching for your love.
all that of course that's the downside but I do see some ups I do see some advantages of this that is what is that that is actually to start with your parents are not choosing your spouse for you they're just providing you with some possible friends that you can make that they approve of which means
if you really these are adults they don't need their parents to approve their friend I understand that but my point is if you actually find someone that you like from the candidate is provided by your parents, then definitely you have their blessings already.
You have their support already.
Oh fair point. Yeah you have their point.
Right? And if something goes wrong in the relationship you can blame your parents.
You say, hey this was your choice, not mine.
And the second thing is that we are all adults, but when it comes through romantic relationships we get, we, we started to be shy.
We do not want to ask each other the sensitive questions in the beginning stage of our relationship.
Good news, your parents, it does not always because you don't care about how much they make.
You don't care whether or not they want to live with their parents, when you actually get married.
It's not like you don't care about those things, it's just you're too shy to ask those questions.
You don't want these questions to jeopardize the love seeds you have in the beginning stage of the relationship.
Social gesture. Guess what?
Your parents have asked all those for you.
You do not have to worry about it anymore.
But isn't that weird that you know isn't it weird that you know that in the beginning of the relationship pants if both of you know then it might be okay Yeah if the both sides know each other's information at the very beginning then in the way They're starting at a higher level but still from fairground
from a very fair knowing each other kind of environment exactly and there are young people in real time cases that I've read about that actually feels appreciating their parents' endeavor and efforts in trying to find someone for them via these apps.
Yeah, I mean I do get that.
I understand that because for some single people.
Single life, single hood can be fun.
Dating can be fun, but it's not for everyone, right?
Some people find it very stressful and they just can't be bothered or they're too busy.
So if they don't mind having their parents be their romance agent, so to speak, then it might work out well.
This is online, there's an example of this happening offline too.
Exactly and that's in Beijing.
I grew up listening to it as if it's a story but, apparently, it's true and it's been going on for years and years.
So the marriage corner...
That's what's known in many Beijing words, is hard that matchmaking places that's actually offline are being held in parks all over the city and can be just like a fair where a lot of middle aged parents are sitting down chatting with each other with their adult children's, quote unquote, CV or hardcore
fact introduction printed on a paper and listed on the ground.
So you see a line of CVs just put very well organised on the ground, one after the other and people are walking by and chatting with each other who are most likely the parents.
And this happens at a few different parks around Beijing and some are during the weekdays and others are on the weekends.
One of the most famous one is in Zhongshan park in Central Beijing.
that one has been held for a very long time but also in other parks, in Yuayuntan Park or the temple of heaven.
And some, what most artists for the weekend afternoons, but somewhere on Monday and Wednesday, just whenever these parents feel like getting out and walking around the park, that's their chance.
That's amazing, yeah.
Online or offline, how are children feeling about this ?We argued, okay, some might be in support of this.
Some might find it helpful but there's got to be a group of people who just hate this.
If my parents ever try that or attempt to download such apps I'm going to soak their homes and water for sure.
And one iconic comment I discovered from such apps and also the reports of such apps can It can be translated as quote, sounds like how I match my pets online for breeding.
But even that include photo sharing.
I mean. I, I understand the sentiment, but maybe it's because I am growing older and becoming a mom.
My feeling is, is really mixed when I, when I first left home and start a job here in Beijing, my mom said, there's only one thing that I want you to do.
And I said, I know don't be a pushover and just know how to say no and fight for myself." She said, no, I want you to be happy.
That was a very touching moment for me.
And I realized that for a parent.
I'm not talking about those really like 0 .1 percentage of parents who do not really care about their kids that much.
They care about themselves.
I'm talking about the real common parents, especially the parents here in China.
They want the best for their kids.
They might not know the best for their kids, but they want the best for their kids.
Which is why some of the reactions of these parents, When they got on to these apps, when they actually went to those blind dating corners, after a while they come back and say to their kids, I understand why you don't go out there because there are so many freaks out there, I understand the stress
you have and it's OK.
All we want is for you to be happy, we do not want to mess with anybody, we just want to make sure that when you're too busy working, when you find it really hard to find a friend, to find a potential lover, we can give you some help in our power.
So, I don't really think it's something that their parents are being pet owners and just matching them up with anybody.
It's more like their way of saying I do not know why you don't want a spouse.
From my life experience I think having someone in my life is very important.
So, I'm trying to find that for you.
Whether or not it's true for anybody is another question.
You can definitely argue with your parents.
You can definitely refuse to know all those strangers from those abs.
But I I still think they're just they're trying really hard for your own good.
Well, you're you're not wrong, right?
every parent in the world wants what's best for their kids and Every parent pardon me in this romantic situation as well.
They're just trying to help out their kids as best they can yeah But in a vacuum on paper or, this might work, but the one thing I feel like you're not considering is the laundry list of potential problems that might come after a successful match.
Here is what I mean.
Your mom, Nyonglin goes to the temple of heaven on Saturday afternoon and this is a fantasy world where you're still single, and she finds a nice boy and she says, Nyonglin, I found someone for you.
Oh, that's great. Yeah, I had a chat with his mom and he's really nice boy.
He has a strong family background, a great job with a pretty good income.
So you go out and you start dating.
Well, the problem is her mom, his mom knows your mom and they're gonna talk.
And then what happens if he comes home one day and he doesn't look happy?
What happened? Ah, Nyong Asan and I got in an argument.
Tell me, and then he does.
Then his mom called your mom now, your mom's calling you and talking to you about your romantic Relationship.
Do you see where I'm going with yes?
Yes? This is too early for the both parents Your parents are going to be involved in your romantic relationship from day one Yes, and also I want to add that I understand Holen some Point in sharing that all parents care for their kids That's why that's the biggest drive for them to do this But in the meantime,
from, say, a relatively young adult's perspective, I do appreciate and open chat at the very beginning before you just quietly believe that such apps going to help me.
Like, a lot of the parents in this case, this has been generated into an online heated discussion from the complaints of many of such young adults because their parents do it without them knowing, without their consent, right?
going there a bit later about this because I feel like one thing for sure is that we love our parents but we do not have to be 100 % honest with our parents, we can still use a little bit of tactics.
That is to say you do not have to accuse your parents for doing this but you do not have to complain either.
It depends, we have to definitely acknowledge their love and their effort but at At the same time, you can talk to the boy that both parents love so much and say to him, I don't appreciate this approach, and I don't think this relationship would go anywhere, but let's lie to our parents together instead
of hurting their hearts.
Sure. By the way, we should mention as well, this isn't exclusive to China.
There was a report from Japan's National Daily in 2021, and they talked about how this happens there, too.
There's a practice there called I'm not sure if I'm pronouncing this correctly or not, Omii, where a man and a woman meet for the first time on the premise that they may get married.
And sometimes it's just the man and the woman that meet together, but sometimes the parents go together to the first date?
Is it still a date?
To the first encounter, to the first meeting?
That's kind of a traditional thing in Japan apparently But also, that is perhaps going by the wayside.
But still recently, there has been these events taking place in Japan.
So it's not just China, it happens in different parts of the world.
Yes and one very important point we have to bring here is that some of the matching apps are good.
But there are some ones that are, well, they are going after profit.
So, instead of giving you the real candidates, By saying you, I mean the parents that you actually wish to have.
They are asking for a really high fee to join the club so that they can provide you with, I don't know, several, like sometimes three so called successful matches and successful is defined as they give you the contact information of that person.
One both sides have connection to each other, it's considered a successful match, but we Oh no, it's not successful just yet from there.
So if your parents is on such app paying a lot of money, maybe you should definitely talk to them.
Right, so then there are risks, I guess.
As is the case with any time we're online for sure.
Definitely. There are risks.
But specifically with these apps, there are some risks as well.
Yeah, we talked about how these apps are designed for the parents.
It's because of this very anxiety from the parents that they just want to want a good marriage for their child so bad that these apps actually utilize that and try to exploit the parents anxieties over their child's marriage and the first or the very direct feeling I got from looking at how other users
on this apps have been you know treated and experiencing, is that they will send these personnel that call themselves say the marriage Chancellor or matchmaking butler that's going to appear in a way that they're doing one -on -one consultants with you and try to give you guidance on how you should approach your
children to you know try to make them change their mind or how to deal with.
That's too much. How to deal with your psychological barriers in refusing to get married or trying to delay your marriage.
So all of that is trying to you know put this whole system inside the parent's head that there is.
seeds. Exactly. And once these app users, these parents are hooked up and they try to get more information.
That's when you need to purchase the full membership, so that's one big reported disadvantage or is not risk for people, especially parents who don't always necessarily have all the, you know, the information with the security boundaries in their head for using online apps, they might easily fall for these
traps and, you know, start to pay more and more and more.
Yeah, right. You get more information.
Just remember it is a business, and their goal is to make money as well.
No doubt, it doesn't matter what your opinion is, it's happening right now, and some people support it, and some people don't, but if that's you, hopefully you'll find your love.
Stay with us, Happy Places is up next.
Delivery. Delivery.
Delivery. What is it?
Happy New Year's Round Table.
Round Table is a happy place now and Nyeongh Beverly.
We want to hear from you exclusively today.
You had a very powerful experience recently.
Yes, recently, I went to the earthquake struck area in Dingzhou county, in Xinjiang Autonomous Rommel region.
So I do not want to describe my experience were placed as a happy place.
It's more like a positive, definitely for sure moving and super touching kind of experience.
I went there around three days after the earthquake I have prepped myself, because I feel like I would see a disastrous situation meaning I could sees a lot of tragedy because the earthquake has already took more than 126 lives.
It's a lot of people, it's many families.
So I've prepped myself.
And when I went there, I started gradually started to realize that, though I hated the earthquake, I hated the disaster, I do feel a lot a lot of power human spirit after the disaster during the restart or during the rescue operation during the resettlement of these people and during those quick -affected people
trying to build their life again.
And when I was there, actually I have some numbers to share, the earthquake actually happened on January 7th around 9 a .m., 10 minutes after the earthquake disaster relief planes took off from outside of the autonomous region to the county.
30 minutes later, the rescue operation in the epic center started.
On that same day, around the 15 -I mean 15, uh, 3 p .m.
in the afternoon, the country's power, the county's power grid is back to work, and on that same day, seven o 'clock in the evening, communication is restored.
And at that night actually, the temperature on site was minus 10 degrees Celsius, yet the rescue operation definitely does not stop for a second.
and they continued, and the next morning transportation is restored.
Highways are back in use, which means that supplies can go into, directly into the affected area.
And by the next morning they have, Next morning, wow.
Yes, and within 24 hours people have hot water and hot food, and also the next morning, again the first medical emergency team took off.
So everything was, when I was there, it's already three days later, almost everybody, well actually not almost, 100 % everybody affected was already living in the temporary tents we're talking about tents but those are not exactly tents because you can have stoves in those tents.
You can boil your water in the tents you can have the very delicious Tibetan style sweet tea in those tents freshly made by the villagers affected villagers and when I was there, I was driving into the county and you see the car's huge trucks with supply or without supply going with you or you can see
them already down already putting the supplies in the area and going out from the county and I think for around several hours every 10 seconds you get to see one car or one car related had something to do with the disaster relief and like I said in the first 24 hours, people affected have already got hot
water and hot food.
And the next day or two, you see the operation team, those who are helping the people who are affected have already started to have access to hot water, to food because the supply is basically ample.
So when you were there, how many people were you working together with to assist in the relief?
Too many. I cannot count because there are so many different type of forces from different sectors of the society You've got police officers you've got firefighters at the very beginning armies was in to do the rescue operation and of course medical teams even a group of Psychologists won there and also we
have a lot of doing team of psychologists as well Yes, they say that at the very beginning maybe especially kids were not aware enough of the trauma they went through.
But it is the vital moment for them to get connection with the kids.
So that later they can trust them, and can get help from them.
I mean, I've never been to this type of situation before.
But that amount of foresight – realizing the emotional impact.
Not just the physical of what happened for the disaster, but the emotional impact on the children, even.
Yes. That's impressive.
It is and also there are a lot of different types of volunteers including, for example, restaurant owners.
They went to the side, and they did bring, or they brought to their staff, they brought ingredients, then they start cooking freshly cooked meals for people who are affected.
yeah and when I was on my way back there are even a group of volunteers providing washing, head washing services for the kids on sight because they want the the water to be hot enough and equipment and everything I was super impressed when I saw the videos I think it was posted by either CGTN or our
account here that there are chef there making ramen yes Yes, freshly made very tasty I tried them Yeah, like how was that organised?
Those people came with you or...
No. We have different groups of volunteers.
And that's another thing that I'm super moved about, that is, is very orderly.
Everything was very orderly say you are a volunteer, you want to give back to society and you contact the county.
The county will tell you with your supply and your skill, which village is most in need of your donation.
So you can go to that exact relocation or resettlement area and provide your love.
What was your emotional takeaway, how did your perspective change after experiencing that?
Like I said, it's not exactly a happy place, but it's definitely a very powerful place.
Through this, I realized that the human spirit is the sky is the limit for us.
When we face something so drastic, when we face such a disaster we can definitely, we can still work together so efficiently and so selflessly to help each other.
Like I said later on, several days I didn't pay for any meal because whenever I want to pay the volunteers would say, no no no we cannot help have you pay, we're all here to help and we're gonna have to, we have the ability to help each other as well.
so that's a really, really moving thing.
It is the power, isn't it, of human beings.
I think about this a lot.
There's a lot of annoying things about human beings on a daily basis, right?
You know, we go online, and we see so much negativity, and there's so much negativity in the world all the time.
But it seems like when we really need each other, when we really, really need each other, then we're there for each other.
And it doesn't matter where you're from.
and it doesn't matter what color your skin is or what language you speak, it's the human spirit that you've got to experience, that's amazing.
Thanks for sharing that, by the way.
Thank you. That's it for Round Table today.
I've been Steve for Nepingh Lin and YouShan.
We thank you very much for you sharing your time with us today.
Have a wonderful afternoon and please do join us next time.
