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Friends, it's Robin, and I am so excited to be sitting here with my main man, Kaysunga.
And today we are going to be answering your questions about handling road rage, dealing with a narcissist in your family, and we also have a question about depression and just wanting to feel happy.
So I say, let's see if we can find some joy.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
It's so lovely to see you today.
I mean, every day, but especially today.
Greetings, greetings, Robin.
It's always a pleasure, always a pleasure to share this space with you and with everyone, with everyone.
Exactly.
Have you heard the topics for today?
I mean, I have to admit, because I'm pretty excited about that first question.
I think as two New Yorkers, we're going to get into that one for sure.
I think so.
Well, let's just like lead off with that one, okay?
Here is the full question from Madge.
Hi, dear Headspace.
This is Madge calling from Boston, Massachusetts.
I'm calling because I find myself often consumed by road rage as a driver and biker.
Despite using the Headspace app daily for almost three and a half years and being better about acknowledging feelings and letting them go, I cannot seem to let the intense anger I feel go when I am cut off without a turn signal or disregarded when using a bike lane.
Recently, a biker went out of turn, and in my anger of concern that I could have hit him, I honked.
Then he gave me the finger.
Any advice on how to manage my rage in the moment in a more meditative way?
Excellent.
Excellent question.
That's such a good question.
Mine is double parkers.
I live in Brooklyn.
The streets are small, and it's filled with double parkers, and my rage level hits...
17 on a scale of five.
For me, that's a good one.
That's a good one, robin.
So when i was living in new york, for me it was the taxis yes the, the taxis.
They drive so recklessly and they it's like they don't care yeah, if they hit you or not.
No, so this, this was, this was a great question.
I totally relate to it.
This was totally me.
I kept my hand on that that, that honk, because it was that horn.
It was.
That's what it's there for though, right.
I like it better.
I kept my hand on the hump.
That's what it's there for.
So I get your question, Madge.
I totally get it.
So the idea here, I think, is this idea of holding on, holding on to the anger and the rage that you experience.
And this is a very unique situation speaking of road rage, because with driving and road rage, It's such an acute and instant feeling and strong emotion that comes upon you.
We often talk about this concept, this mindfulness concept of letting go.
Yeah.
Right.
Recognizing the emotion and breathing into it and being with it and then gently letting it go.
Right.
That might not fly in this particular context because it happens so often.
Rapidly, so quickly, right?
And it's so intense.
And yes, and it's so intense.
So, with this road rage, I would say this idea of letting go versus kind of like emotional regulation.
So what do I mean by that?
The difference again is because it's such an acute situation that road rage hits.
Somebody cuts you off, it hits right away.
So recognizing that that rage is there And instead of, with the expectation of you know, letting it go, learning how to be with it.
Yeah.
All right.
So being with that, that strong emotion in the moment, because sometimes you might not be able to just let it go all the way.
No, because it's happening and it's still happening.
And it's still happening.
Like it doesn't stop happening.
It's residual.
It's like that residual, that's the thing of road rage, right?
You feel it.
Yeah.
And then it's like, it's like residual emotion.
Anger.
Then you're like idling at a seven.
Exactly.
So for me, but where meditation and mindfulness comes in is that emotional regulation.
Being able to recognize oh, you know, being able to get pissed off in the moment, but then maybe not letting it go, but also not reacting to it.
And sometimes, you know I don't, I will be the first to say nothing.
And It's wrong with hitting that horn sometimes, because that's what the horn is there for.
Especially if they're doing something unsafe.
Exactly.
Like something that's dangerous.
Yeah.
Put your hand on that horn.
But you know, oftentimes it is someone that cuts you off and you honk the horn to let them know that you're pissed.
Right.
So I've learned that, especially in today's world that responding versus reacting is so critical, because there have been numerous cases where Somebody does hit that horn and that other person gets into a space of road rage.
Yeah.
And they pull out a bat or, you know, even worse, like a gun.
And it becomes a deadly or very violent encounter.
Yeah.
You know it's interesting about like what you're saying is like I never used to swear in front of my kids like ever.
Ever.
Like I did a really good job because it's like I came from a house of, like a truck driver, like my mom swore like a sailor.
And so I was like, I'm not I'm not going to do it.
And then we bought a car and like everything like it was like I lost all sense of control.
And then I went through this period where I was just road ragey and I just started thinking about like what am I giving up?
Like I'm making my family miserable.
I'm definitely making myself miserable.
Like me idling at that really high level.
It's I don't get there faster.
That guy doesn't disappear who just did the thing to me.
But now I've made my life and anyone else in the car miserable.
And so so I've been looking at it from the point of view of just what am I losing?
And I'm losing time with my family.
I'm losing like I'm losing the whole drive to wherever we're going.
Because I'm outraged.
Yeah.
And and that guy just drove off.
Right.
And he went on with his merry little way and had the nice day.
Right.
Exactly.
Exactly.
You know what?
To piggyback on that, something that I've I've learned to do because, you know, expletives exit my mouth, maybe a little often, you know.
Maybe happen here and there, you know.
So something so this happened actually the other day.
So somebody cut me off and it was a texter.
That's another thing that drives me crazy.
People that text.
So unsafe.
So I didn't hit my horn.
But what I did do is I cursed out loud.
And, you know, one of my favorite words is MF.
Right.
So I did.
This MF.
And then I paused and I took a deep breath.
All right.
Let me let me recalibrate.
Right.
So I like that.
And my girls were in the car.
And so they saw how I was able to experience the strong emotion.
Yeah.
And then at the very next instant, recalibrate.
Oh, my God.
I just got like little goosebumps.
I love that so much because you're not saying anything.
It should never happen.
You're a human being with feelings and somebody did just do something dangerous and you got your kids in the car.
Exactly.
So you had your feeling and then you reset yourself.
I love that.
Yeah, I think and I've learned that not trying to be perfect in front of my girls like really demonstrating to them real life practice.
Yeah.
And I didn't want to swallow that MF.
I had to let it out.
I had to let it out.
And at the same time, I was able to, in the next moment, kind of recalibrate.
I feel like you just gave a whole lot of parents permission to be more themselves.
Because I think sometimes when we come in as parents, we're like, I must be perfect.
Not just parenting, like everywhere in the world.
Like the ideal is to not have it happen in the first place.
And I just don't think that's realistic.
Like, I mean, I'm wired how I'm wired.
And I can only control what I do after I do the thing or after the thing happens.
Yeah.
Now, one other tip I want to give to Madge is, even before you start your commute, very intentionally taking that breath, knowing that you're about to get on the road, setting that intention for a safe drive, safe travel, awareness and what have you?
I'm a spiritual dude, so I always say a prayer also.
But whatever works for you, you know.
And then going about your journey.
You know, I think that can also make a world of difference.
Yeah, I like that.
Well, thank you for your question, Madge.
You're going to do great.
You're not alone.
I think we say that a lot, but it's true in this even more than anything.
And I also want to extend a congratulations to Madge.
I think she mentioned that she's been practicing, right, for three years.
Did I hear that correctly?
Yeah.
So, yeah, I would definitely say to keep that practice going.
And you never know when The practice shows up.
That's true.
Even sometimes when you're not aware.
Exactly.
All right.
Well, good luck, Madge.
OK, let's move on to our next question from Eve.
Hi, dear Headspace.
My name is Eve and I'm from Singapore.
So I would like to ask, how do I deal with a real narcissist?
So this person is related to me, sort of like a family person.
Recently she has been posting very nasty things on instagram about her loved ones which also includes my loved ones and i feel very frustrated reading them because her insta stories is all about how her loved ones have been so nasty to her, so mean to her.
She was the one being the manipulator and mean person and reading her Insta story just frustrates me and annoys me a lot.
It really gets on my nerves.
I really don't want to see it anymore.
I mean, this is getting very toxic for me and therefore, I really don't know what to do.
I hope to block her in the Insta story, but at the same time I'm afraid that if she finds out it may ruin our relationship.
So...
I really need some advice.
Thank you.
Thanks for your question, Eve.
This is a really good one.
And I'm really interested to hear what you say Kes, because it's that and we get, not this particular question, but something along these lines, where it's something with a family member or a person that you often you're going to see them.
And that's just how it is.
And I think that always ups the ante to the problem.
Yeah i i, you know, and i'm seeing a theme here also of of letting go yeah but, but this time it's it's it's with a person and so namely, a family member, and so that that's where it can get tricky.
So first i just want to say eve, you know really kudos for um being aware and bringing your full awareness to what you're experiencing with this family member.
Um, it sounds like you know, you really care, and so you're really putting a lot of thought into um how to move next.
I have a couple of questions that I would ask you if you were here with us.
The first question I would ask is have you discussed this situation with your family member, with this particular toxic family member?
Have you talked to them about it?
If not, why?
Why have you not?
Why are you keeping this to yourself?
And if you have, then I'm guessing that it didn't go so well, because you're here asking this question, right?
So my second question is why do you want to continue this relationship with this family member, with everything that you're saying,
I'm very curious as to why you would want to continue this relationship.
Sometimes, especially with loved ones, you have to really evaluate what is best for you and your mental health.
And again, I understand that it's very difficult, especially with friends and family, with people that you love.
But if it's reaching a point where your mental health is now being compromised, then it's time to ask yourself is this relationship worth holding on to?
Yeah.
Or...
Is this something that I have to let go of?
And that letting go can look differently, right?
Letting go doesn't mean that you have to just forget about them or erase them from your consciousness.
It may be just, you know what?
I have to step back from this relationship.
I can't be as invested in this relationship as I was before, because it's affecting my mental health in a negative way.
I have to block her.
I have to not communicate with them every week like I used to, because I'm noticing that I'm just in a space of intense stress after that conversation, after that encounter.
Or it may be I have to just completely take them or remove them from my life.
So this idea of letting go can look differently based on what you're experiencing.
I do think, like going back to your initial point about asking yourself the question, like we don't know Eve's situation in her family and we don't know
But, like, is it safe to talk to this person?
Should you have a conversation?
Might they be open?
And they might not be.
So it's like maybe then you're moving to part two.
But I think there's a lot in there in what you said that's really really valuable, that I think sometimes people think aren't options.
Yeah, absolutely.
And, you know, just to circle it, you know, bring into –
Context, mindfulness and meditation with that consistent practice.
That's where you know that that practice is going to help you to decipher what's needed in the moment.
Yeah.
Right.
Because it may be just a period of time where you fall back and let go of that person.
And then maybe, I don't know after eight months you notice a shift in the way they're moving and you'll be able to, you know Start that relationship up again.
But with, you know, that's the beautiful thing about meditation and mindfulness.
It really helps you to decipher.
It brings clarity to the appropriate way to move in your life.
Yeah.
And so yeah, I don't know what your practice looks like Eve, but I would just, I would recommend starting a practice if you haven't, or deepening your practice, or what have you.
Yeah.
And I want to plus one to what you said earlier about really setting like not.
I mean, because I do feel like sometimes setting boundaries has become like a buzzword.
But just taking care of yourself and setting like limitations around what you're willing to accept and what you aren't.
You know, it's like with my son has this group of friends that are not. the greatest kids.
It's middle school, right?
It's not a great time.
And we keep having these conversations with him that I wish someone had talked to me about at his age, about what is a friend and what is a person, and do they enhance you?
You know, and like when I describe my wife, I always say she makes me a better person.
And I think that that's how we should look at relationships.
Like we should look at relationships like I give to you, but also person should be giving back to you as well.
It's an equal thing.
And and if you're doing all the giving, or if you're doing all the niceties or pleasantries and the other person is just bringing toxic, i i do think that's really time to evaluate if this is a person that should be in your life absolutely, absolutely.
How does this person make you feel after you leave them?
That's a good one, absolutely.
You know, because i'm also hearing some guilt, you know, and that's natural, you know.
So so also, normalizing everything that you're feeling eve, you know yeah, you know, i know there's some guilt that may be involved, because it's family members especially.
But really yeah, ask yourself that, how do i feel after i leave, after i leave this person?
And if it's not good, if it's, if it's toxic, then yeah, it's time to to perhaps um, let go on some level.
I always, i always feel lovely when i leave, after recording with you kisanga, that's why you, you could never get rid of me.
Likewise, Rob.
I always say that to Mary.
I'm always like, you can't leave me.
You just can't because I'm just going to keep following you.
Well, Eve, good luck with everything.
And keep us posted.
If you reach back out, we're here.
That's what this community is for.
Yeah, please let us know how it goes.
All right.
We'll be right back.
Okay, here we are now, Kisanga, with our last question from Anna.
Hi, my name is Anna and I'm from Spain.
And I've always struggled a lot with my mental health since I was a child.
And I've never been fully happy.
I mean, my life is great and it all seems nice, but my brain tells me otherwise.
And it's always giving me things to worry about.
So I'm really scared of not being able to be happy anymore.
Function like a normal human being and just laughing and smiling.
I don't know.
Do you have any advice on it?
Thank you, Anna.
My first question is, what is a normal human being?
I know I'm not.
Seriously, seriously.
I want to take a very explicit and intentional moment to thank Anna for this question.
Because what I'm hearing is that Anna is moving through her life And, from the outside, looking in everyone, including herself, realizes that it looks like her life is great right.
But inside, internally, she's dealing with a lot of turmoil.
That can be a very difficult situation.
For someone to be moving through their life, knowing that everyone perceives them as having a great life, But they know that internally there's a bit of suffering going on.
So I really want to thank you for this question, Anna, because I know how difficult this can be.
I know that you're stepping into a space of vulnerability here.
And it's very brave, actually, of you to come forward with this question.
So thank you so much for that, first and foremost.
You know, when I was a psychotherapist, I had many questions. many clients like this and you know if if you're not careful you know you think of what came to mind when i heard this question is um the the dj that used to be on ellen twitch yeah yeah yeah twitch right i thought that was yeah i thought that was such a tragic case because you couldn't tell me you couldn't tell me that no his life wasn't perfect right I mean, obviously not perfect.
I mean, we've got millions of examples of that.
Right, exactly.
Robin Williams.
It's just people who are hilarious.
Anthony Bourdain.
I mean, Anthony Bourdain had the dream job, in my humble opinion.
So thank you so much for coming forward, Anna, and asking this question.
And she's not alone in this.
Right, absolutely amplifies this idea of people just putting their best life in pictures for everyone to see and it's it's often not how they are right exactly, and it's almost like you feel pressured to um to continue and to fake it, to fake it right, to fake it, yeah.
So, right off bat anna, i would um, i would just highly recommend some kind of seeking out, some kind of professional guidance, whether it's a therapist, a counselor, a psychiatrist.
And because by doing that, you'll be able to decipher and process what exactly is going on.
Is it something that happened in your past?
Is something that's happening right now in the present?
Is there a chemical imbalance, right?
Yeah, I was going to say.
Yeah, so a psychiatrist might be able to help.
That's, I mean...
Really just allowing yourself to seek out that professional guidance.
And then, of course, in pairing with that, I'm curious about what your meditation practice is looking like these days.
Because again, mindfulness and meditation, especially in a case like this, can be so helpful just in the aspect of you getting in touch With your authenticity and being comfortable enough to be in your present reality in an authentic way and expressing yourself and expressing yourself in that way and, and being comfortable with whatever it is that you are experiencing, whatever strong emotions you are experiencing as far as, you know, worry and unhappiness that you, that you stated that you're, experiencing.
Yeah.
I also want to make a shout out for other options too like, or in addition to journaling, things of that nature.
I just think there.
For me anyway, journaling is such a great way for me to.
If I write five days in a row, and for five days in a row, all I wrote about was how mean my boss was to me.
Well, then I got to look at that.
It helps me identify patterns, because I think that sometimes I can get And this is because not everybody can afford therapy or whatever, or it may be a starting off point while you're looking for a therapist, because that takes time.
But if I just keep talking about the same things, then I know it's part of what's eating me.
Everything can get collapsed.
And I could start arguing with myself in my head and and they're like no, it's not that, or it's this, or it's not that, or you know.
And then oh, but I'm also behind with this.
And, before you know it, I've gone down 14 different rabbit holes and I have no idea what's happening.
Whereas I think the process of slowly handwriting or typing it slows my thoughts down and allows me to kind of purge what's happening.
And I find it to be such a useful tool.
Absolutely.
I mean, it's a huge mindfulness tool that we recommend.
And from what you're saying Robin, it's an excellent way to prevent what you're experiencing from escalating or catastrophizing.
Because it is easy for that to happen if you're not able to identify, like you said, the patterns of what's going on.
Again, just thank you so much for this question because you're not alone.
There are many people out there that are experiencing the same thing.
And so I hope this the suggestions were helpful for those individuals.
Yeah.
I just I just want to say one more thing about that as we're wrapping up with Anna.
Like, I think that embracing and holding on to the idea that.
It's actually OK to tell people like I'm just not having a good day today, or to say like I'm just I'm upset, like to express what's really happening for you, versus when you find yourself presenting.
You know, I think that that's something to look for.
Like what are the moments when you're presenting like a facade and what are the moments when you're real and who are the safe people that you can?
You can just express how you're really truly feeling.
Because I know that that helps me feel seen when I can really say, like, I messed up today.
Yeah, that authenticity.
That's that authenticity for sure.
Absolutely.
Well, good luck, Anna.
We're with you.
We really are.
And thank you so much for just for trusting us with your question.
It's an important one, not just for you, but for a lot of people.
Absolutely.
OK, well, I mean, Cass, I don't know what to say, but I just that was really lovely and wonderful.
And there's just so much to think about with all these questions and and so much to just hopefully like implement with your answers.
Yeah.
And I love these questions because they they're so relatable as always.
And it seems like every time we touch on some aspect of real life.
Yeah.
You know that that we all tend to experience.
So yeah, I love, I love this space and so, and something i actually would suggest if you happen to have the headspace app um, in the app, if you literally just search letting go, there's a slew of certain meditations that you can choose from letting go of stress um, there's a stress letting go, stress course.
That um, that i would highly recommend.
Um, but they're also letting.
There are other letting go meditations that i would recommend also.
So yeah, just literally type in letting go in the search bar on the app.
I'm about to let you go so I can go check that out.
I'm going to continue my deep breathing on the road.
But I do want to say before we go, we just have to say a huge thank you to Madge, Eve and Anna for their questions.
And if you're listening at home right now, or maybe I don't know you're at the gym and you have some burning question that you'd like answered by the wise folks at Headspace, head on over to sayhichat slash dearheadspace.
And that link is, of course, in the show notes.
And if we use your question in the show, you're going to get three months of Headspace for free, which is pretty darn great.
What is not to love about free Headspace?
Right?
Well Robin, there's only one thing left for me to do, which is to give everyone a few moments just for transition between this moment and the next moment in your day.
And this is some time to just reflect on what you've experienced, what you've heard today, and to allow your mind to just settle in before beginning your next activity.
So for today, here are some sounds of birds singing in a forest by a monastery.
And as you listen, again, just let your mind do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy and be kind to each other and to yourself.
Always is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones, and Scott Sorenson.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer, Sarah Cohn, Barron Farmer, and Danny Karisamy.
Our production coordinator is Taylor Jennings-Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Keisunga Giscombe, Dora Kamau, Samantha Snowden, Eve Lewis Prieto and Rosie Acosta.
Post-production is by Dan Kroll, Music is by Scott Sorensen and Chris Mergia.
And a special thanks to Colleen Luck.
