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Hello, everybody.
Welcome back to another episode of Dear Headspace.
Today I am joined by my gal, Rosie oh, and we are honored to have nika with us.
She's a coach here at headspace and she's joining to share some additional wisdom because, like who couldn't use that?
So today we are answering your questions about when you leave a bad job but you feel guilty over leaving co-workers behind, how to help others who are disappointed, and we also have a question about what to do when you fear the end of the world.
I mean, these are big questions, So I say let's get to some big answers.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
Well, hello, Rosie and Nika.
I'm telling you guys something.
I already know that this episode is going to be great, because I am looking at two powerful and insightful ladies.
Yay.
I'm so excited to be here and I'm so excited to be here with both you, Robin, and Nika.
I think today's episode is going to be really fun.
And welcome, Nika.
This is your first Dear Headspace with us.
It's so nice to have you.
Yes, it is.
Thanks for having me.
I'm like really excited to answer these questions and to be on here with Robin and Rosie the Great.
So I'm ready to get going.
The Rose.
The two Roses.
The Roses, honey.
The Roses, honey.
All right.
Well, let's get right to it because our questions today, like I said, they're big ones.
So here is Vicky with a question about guilt over leaving co-workers behind in a toxic work environment.
Hi, Headspace.
My name is Vicky and I'm from the UK.
I've just handed in my resignation at my job.
It was causing me an awful lot of anxiety and stress that I was bringing home into my personal life.
And while I'm quite sure that that was the right decision to make for myself, I'm struggling to reconcile that with feelings of guilt towards those that I've left behind at work, who I got on really well with that they're having to deal with the fallout.
Well, thank you for that question, Vicki.
It's hard.
It's like you make a decision and you're doing what's best for yourself, which is important, but then you have all those people that you loved and you feel like you left behind.
That can be a really tough position.
Yeah, I totally agree.
I think just hearing her say this, I
She didn't say how long she was at her job, but it does sound like she established some really good relationships there.
And any type of big change like that can be, you know, uprooting and scary.
And yeah, you know there's going to be a little bit of maybe, guilt of leaving your friends or your people behind.
But at the same time I think it's so good that she made this decision, because ultimately it sounds like it's really going to help her.
And it's going to create a better life for her.
And I think, instead of looking at it from the perspective of oh, I'm leaving my friends or my people behind, maybe she's going to inspire them to care for their own mental well-being and their own wellness.
If they see somebody that they really care for go off and focus on themselves, that's my opinion.
Yeah, no, that's that's such a good point.
It's also like that whole you can't help someone else until you put the oxygen mask on yourself first.
I just know that when I'm in a toxic work environment, it's just like we're all like in the break room, like this place stinks.
And it's like I'm of no use to anyone else.
So I think you're making a really good point that she might now be able to go out and be valuable to some of her co-workers.
Absolutely.
And just to that point of, because I was thinking about, like her, creating this new normal for herself.
Right.
Yeah.
When we make a decision to do something different, whatever it is.
Right.
But to leave a job because even like I know we hate to say a job is like your family.
OK, it's not.
But you're there all the time.
You're working with all of these people.
There's connection.
Right.
Am I right?
Like there is a connection.
Right.
And it's when it's severed, even though you can call them on the phone and all this stuff.
You know or I'm the only person who probably talks to people on the phone still but you can still connect with them.
So there's that, you know there's that disruption that's happening for them and for you, but you left for a reason, right.
And so now it's time to begin to establish this new normal.
And to Rosie's point like they get to see you flourish and do something new and different, to see that it's possible.
But for her, for Vicky, like Vicky.
You're going to have to dive into that thing and see like what is this new normal?
What is this transition for me?
How do I get to flourish here?
So even though it's It's hard at first.
Right.
You can still connect with those co-workers, find a different way.
But hey, go do your thing and see what that's going to look like for you.
Nika, I'm curious.
I love that.
Such great advice.
I'm curious too, like in your experience, when people because I know I've been in work environments where I stay because of the people
Right.
Not necessarily because of the job, because they're.
There's that familiarity.
There's also a little bit of fear.
Like, what am I going to do without these people now?
What's my next work environment going to look like?
So can you speak to that a little bit?
Like, what do we do if we have that fear?
We're not happy with our job, but our people are keeping us there.
Oh, wow.
That's a really great question.
I think that's where you really want to sit and think about what it.
What is it that I want the next version or the next season of my life to look like?
Because I believe that life is seasonal.
Right.
And so when you're kind of in this place of like oh, but I love my friends and they're great, and they are great.
And back to they will be there.
It is really like, what is this fear really about?
Because it's not about you leaving your friends.
Right.
It's not about that.
It is about usually, can I really make a change?
Can I do this?
It's usually a lack of confidence, right?
It's something there that's keeping me, that's stopping me, rather, from moving forward.
And so explore that a little bit.
And then if we can unlock that, then maybe we can begin to look for the job or whatever it is and then understand, like Again, back to these are still my friends.
We can still be in a relationship now.
We can go to happy hour at another place to do something different.
Right.
You're not nobody died.
You're not leaving them.
Exactly.
And also, like we didn't, Vicky didn't give us a lot of details about what the toxicity was at the job place.
But I'm always a big fan of like when you go out.
If they offer you this opportunity and maybe even if they don't on that exit interview, what are you doing on the way out?
Sometimes it's like doing it in a way that's not going to impede me getting another job but is going to help the next person who comes in behind me.
So if there's a toxic boss, there's, you know, microaggressions.
What do you do with the toxic box, though?
Like, do you just warn the next person and be like, hey?
No, if I get the opportunity to talk to HR and they say, why are you leaving?
And I'm like, because Todd was toxic.
Here's the seven things that I documented that Todd did.
And this is why I left my job.
And just so you know, I'm a valued employee and you've lost me because of this.
Because of Todd.
Yeah, because of Todd.
Toxic Todd.
I did have a boss named Todd once and he was toxic.
That just came from deep in my subconscious.
From a mindfulness perspective.
I love what you said before too Robin, about you have to put the mask on yourself first.
You know and to Nika's point as well like you need to be able to create a new normal for yourself.
And you know, as you navigate this new transition in your life.
I think it's really important for as much as yes, we feel we start to Anytime we're doing something new, we begin to doubt ourselves so much and we start to think about everything that could go wrong.
And then I'm leaving my people behind.
And now you know this is happening or it's affecting my family in this way, or all of that stuff.
You have to really just come back to that present moment awareness, where you're just trying your best to be in this present state so that you don't spin out.
You know you don't let yourself go into these scenarios, that ultimately the decision that you made is for your good.
It's for your betterment.
It sounds like you're leaving a toxic place.
So Ultimately, you made a really great decision.
Congratulations.
Yeah.
I think again, just from a mindfulness perspective, to be able to just sit in that energy of this is a good thing for me.
I'm going to be present with everything that's here now and continue to move forward.
Well, I mean no matter what Vicki, I think all of us are in agreement that congratulations on getting out of a bad work environment and taking that that next step.
And we are here supporting you in this community.
And, you know, your friends are going to be OK.
Like both of these folks have said, it's inspirational.
Absolutely.
All right.
Let's get to our next question from Gina.
Here we go.
My name is Gina and I live in Southwest Florida.
So I've been a labor and delivery nurse for over a year now and I absolutely love it.
And I'm currently in grad school to become a midwife.
Something that I would really love your advice on is how to help others when they are disappointed.
I ask this because Many of my patients they want to have a natural childbirth but for some reason or another, something could happen and they end up having to have a cesarean.
So usually what we rely on is telling our patients at the end of the day, we have happy, healthy mom, happy healthy baby.
But I want to be able to help my patients better than giving them that cliche that we kind of tell ourselves and them.
So your advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much.
And I love the show.
Thank you for this question, Gina.
And Gina's out here doing the good work, like helping folks bring babies into the world.
And it reminds me of when I did the baby prep classes, you know, getting ready for labor and delivery.
They talked about.
The more attached you are to a birth plan, the more likely you are to suffer from postpartum if it doesn't go the way you you want it.
Like there's this weird correlation.
So this is really kind of a mindfulness question.
But my question to y'all and for this conversation is can Gina affect that level of change in this situation?
Is that a realistic expectation?
So I'm curious what y'all think.
That's a great question.
And from my perspective, the answer is no.
There is no way that she can essentially change how someone feels, right?
But I think there's so much pressure.
And I'm thinking just from a person that's a clinician or of any form.
Sometimes there's this pressure and even a God complex a little bit.
Right.
Like if I can actually change the outcome or how you feel.
But it is I'm really just here to be of service.
Right.
And to be sort of a conduit.
But I can't. everything's not going to be perfect.
I don't know what's going to happen.
I'm here to make you comfortable.
I'm here to be, again, to serve.
I'm here to maybe give you some new thoughts, ideas, a new perspective, but the rest I can't do.
And so I think, you know, honestly, I'm taking some of the pressure off yourself.
Yes.
Take the pressure off of yourself, because in people that are helpers, like myself and Rosie and you, like you know, we want to serve and we want to.
You know, just want the best outcome.
That doesn't always happen.
And so we got to be okay with that to a certain degree.
Yeah, I agree with that 100% because we can't control what we can't control.
And what I think would be really helpful for Gina is to be able to just be present with her patients and to just Be authentic and compassionate and to really just give them that space to have that process.
Because I think to Robin's point for all of us, whether it's birth, whether it's a job, whether it's, you know, whatever we get attached to the results right.
We get attached to, I'm going to do air quotes, a plan.
Yeah.
And I think anytime that that plan doesn't go the way that we want it to, it creates suffering, right.
So again, from a mindfulness perspective, it's the gripping that is creating the distress.
And so it's interesting, right?
And I'm speaking to you Gina, how your gripping now is to want to change an outcome with somebody that you care about.
You care about your patients.
So this is really a practice for you to have that self-compassion for yourself first, right?
Yeah.
To be able to create that space, like let go of wanting to create something, right?
Some result.
I think it's better for the intention to be.
How can I create space for them to grieve the change of plan?
I mean, if somebody wants to have a natural birth and they are told that they cannot, then they're going to be disappointed.
Maybe they're going to be disappointed.
And ultimately, I would hope that they would make the choice to save their life or save the life of their child right.
Like to make the best choice for themselves.
But at the end of the day it's like They need to be able to process that their plan is no longer going to come to fruition.
And I feel like the only way to do that is to really be compassionate in that in that moment.
And, as we're on this topic and Nika, you saying helpers like us, I'm reminded of the anxiety I have when I can't help other people, sometimes like taking on their energy, and it's an assumption too, by the way.
So I think, like the, the mindfulness piece that you're talking about Rosie, is really important.
You know, to not go into where someone else is and stay where you are, almost like holding the space for someone.
Absolutely.
Right.
It is just really, I think we talked about earlier, just, Being right.
Just if you're being you allow other people to be.
Yeah.
And I like that grieving the change of plan, like allowing that and saying, like, it's OK.
And so for them, it's like you're not trying to make it better.
You're just saying that it's OK.
This just is.
And it's okay that this is.
And from there we can decide what we want to do next.
But right now, let's just be.
Yeah.
And also like you can still be supportive in that space, right?
You can still be a natural birthing assistant or birthing angel, whatever you want to call it.
You know, somebody that's going to be there.
She can still have that role, I think, you know, regardless.
And, And I think ultimately, as women, I don't have kids, but I would imagine that if I was in that situation of putting myself in the role of Gina's patient and I was told that I would want somebody to guide me through that,
I'd love for Nika to be there and say, it's going to be okay.
She said, whatever it is, it's going to be okay.
And it's like, okay, she's right.
So I think perhaps leaning more into that aspect of the situation will help Gina reconcile how to be more effective in those positions.
Well, and I would also like to ask this question of Gina.
How do you know you're not helping people through their disappointments?
Because I got to tell you I had a Gina in the room with me for my first birth and I was not handling it well.
I think we can all just imagine what that looks like having heard me before.
And I was holding tight and I was clenched and I was and she put her hands on my lower back and she said you're clenching during every contraction.
And she said, I want you to breathe into the pain.
And that was like, I don't know what you're talking about, like lady.
I was like, I don't know how to do that.
I don't know.
And then I started doing it and it made the pain so much easier and less.
I mean, you know, as far as childbirth goes, and I think she timed out in the shift before I actually had the baby.
So I never got to thank her.
That woman will never know.
My daughter is about to turn 15.
So we're talking 15 years ago.
And I still, I can tell you where I was standing.
I can tell you the impact she had on me.
And I can tell you that I have used that advice during getting my teeth cleaned during like other painful things, like during things where I'm scared.
I have used that advice for years.
And that woman will never know the impact she had on me.
So Gina, I'm going to just push back on your assertion that you're not already doing it.
And just someone who's as caring as you are, who's calling in and asking this question.
I bet there's a lot of me's out there who you've already helped.
Yeah.
So thank you for doing all that you're doing.
All right.
We'll be back in just a moment.
All right, we've got one more question from Tom.
Dear Headspace, this is Tom from London.
Ever since I was little, I have been terrified of the end of the world, or the apocalypse, or dystopianism.
This is fed by the news, but also films and TV, books, people's general conversations.
My most common triggers are things like war, climate disasters, societal collapse and AI, but also everyday things like self-driving cars and technology.
Whenever I see or hear something triggering, it's like my insides fall out, like the ground has disappeared and I freeze for days.
My mind says, if everything I've been practicing compassion, because I really believe my response is a natural response to scary things.
I'm also practicing curiosity about the experience I have.
But despite the self-compassion and curiosity, I still feel stuck.
This completely contradicts everything I know about myself.
I am the first person people come to in a crisis and I'm actually really capable of solving problems.
Are there any ways to help with moving I'm so grateful for you and your wisdom.
That's a hard question from Tom and I just The very first thing I want to say is I'm so glad that you've reached out, because it's I think when you are feeling these big and scary feelings, it's so important to have community around you and to not keep that into yourself.
I mean, I want to hear from you all.
But obviously, for me, the first thing I'm thinking is making sure when you're, when you're having conversations, this strong of a response to you know, like catastrophe in the world that it may be a good idea to be speaking with someone.
Yeah absolutely, I mean absolutely, I think the things that stand out to me the most.
I'm a serial hypochondriac, so for me I'm you know, I'm the person that's Googling every little thing I have and it's always like worst case scenario.
And then I'm Googling like what celebrity has this disease?
So I can feel better about like living with whatever I just diagnosed myself with.
But it does create a sense of dread and fear.
And I think, you know, I work with therapists.
You know this is something that I've been working on for a really long time.
You know, with the way that I grew up in in the environment, with those very chaotic, you know.
So I think for me it's it's more of this control thing where I'm trying to just find the solution to the problem.
And it sounded like Tom was very sensitive to everything that's happening in the world and Putting that on yourself.
When you start to feel all the tragedy and the changes in the world and the climate, it starts to really get overbearing.
And I know that that can be really hard because I can really speak to this just from an experience perspective, knowing that dread
And I think from a mindfulness perspective, it's really...
One of the key things, or even from you know, like a yogic perspective, one of the main reasons of suffering is a fear of death.
Right.
So so ultimately all of these avenues lead to this this fear of my impending doom.
And it's like you start to think about okay, like look at all this tragedy, look at all these bad things that are going on.
How could I impact that?
You know, how could I possibly make a difference?
And, from that perspective, what teachings have said to us for thousands of years is to practice being present, to not allow yourself to get taken away by all the narratives around us.
It also says to withdraw, right?
So to withdraw from whatever is feeding you that information.
So, whether it's social media, whether it's you're constantly on the news, you have to sort of withdraw and, in a sense, go inside and be with yourself, be with supportive people, focus on the beauty that's around you, focus on present moment awareness, focus on all the things that are working as opposed to the things that aren't like.
I don't know that worry helps any of us.
It doesn't.
It's not.
I don't know how, Nika or Robin, you feel about this, but I think worry doesn't serve a purpose other than creating anxiety and stress within us.
And so as much as I can say that all of us get trapped in that cycle, but I think, with practices like meditation, like Self-study, like going to therapy or talking to a mental health coach, all of these things really aid us in focusing on what is present.
Well, and what's interesting about what you just said Rosie, is like, if you are taking something out, if you are withdrawing, what can you put in?
Yeah.
So in the time that you were doom scrolling, could you be reading your favorite book?
Could you be calling a loved one?
How could you be connecting into the positive in the world?
By the way, I have a feeling that there should be a disclaimer under this entire answer that says in quotes easier said than done.
This is a very hard thing we're talking about.
Yeah, of course.
And I think about whenever I've worked with clients who were dealing with essentially some sort of depression.
And one of the things we would talk about is, OK, well, it helps to help someone else.
Right.
And Tom talked about helping their friends.
Yeah, that they're the person that they go to when people are having.
Yeah, exactly.
And I wonder if maybe Tom goes to their friends and just say hey, you come to me all the time with your stuff and your things.
I need a little bit of help, too.
And I wonder what shifts there for Tom when they change where they are in those relationships, because a lot of to what's going on, I think, is that you're not really communicating fully what's going on with you in your relationships and who you are.
It's easy to get sucked into this other world that nobody else knows about and to isolate.
Yeah.
And so, even though like OK, I have friends and they work and probably do all these things, there is some isolation that's going on.
That's also a part of the issue.
So if I'm isolated and again I'm getting all these messages on social media and you know, and of course I'm going to dig and look for it.
You know, it's not like it's popular.
Now, everything on YouTube that's coming up is about some, you know, diversity. the algorithm.
You're trapped.
You're trapped in that algorithm.
And it's relentless.
I'm in it.
Yeah.
You know, it's interesting in Tom's question also.
And I know this is something that I struggle with.
So I'm really interested to hear what you two think.
I tend to like I'm a fixer.
Like I want I want a to do list my way out of everything.
And Tom's doing a lot.
Tom's doing mindfulness work.
Tom's seeing a therapist.
Tom's I mean, Tom's like doing a ton.
And Everything's not always fixed.
Sometimes it's just you have to sit in these things.
And we talked about it in an earlier question.
And I just I wonder if that's not part of this.
But I kind of hate that answer because I want to fix not just everything for me but also now for Tom too.
But it's it's realistic because there are some things that just that are going to be managed.
They won't be fixed.
They won't be cured.
You just have to manage them.
And I'm not saying that for Tom, but in general, like when I think about conflict management.
That's not what we're talking about.
But when I think about it, there are some conflicts that will be resolved and we can move forward.
There's some things we might need to negotiate in some conflicts.
It's called conflict management for a reason because.
There may not be very much change here.
And so we're just going to be able to manage this with our differences.
Yeah, like AIs come in whether we like it or not.
Like we like it or not.
So you get to decide how you want to manage that.
You can hate it, but it's still going to be here hanging out.
So you get to decide.
But to your point, it's like we do.
We have all of these tools.
And of course, I've been a therapist.
I've been a coach.
I've done all of them.
You know, the meditation, everything, whatever you got, I've done it and continue to do it.
And sometimes it just helps to focus on one of those.
Interesting.
What is the one thing that is helping me the most?
Because I just I just need to focus on this thing.
Yeah.
Yeah, Nika.
And to your point, sometimes it's a lot, right?
Like, if you're doing all of the things, it also especially for somebody that wants to fix everything you want, all of the things that are going to work.
I wanted the meditation.
I'm going to do acupuncture.
I'm going to, you know, listen to the podcast.
I'm going to read the books.
I'm going to go to therapy.
I'm going to talk to my coach.
I'm going to you know, and I feel like that could also create this sense of anxiety where, or this sense of frustration, if you're feeling stuck in a place, of not being able to see your way out.
So I love that.
I love that suggestion to be able to just focus on the one thing that's going to help.
And once you maybe start to feel like okay, I'm starting to feel like something else, then try another thing or add one more thing, instead of overwhelming yourself with all these different modalities to try and get you out of this space.
I mean, I think there's one thing that's really clear about Tom's question is they're not alone in this question.
No.
Absolutely.
You know, it makes me think of COVID, right?
When it first happened and we didn't know like what it was, and you know there was tragedy, you know all around us and we were quarantined.
And eventually at some point, I don't know about you all, but I'm like, I had to live.
Like I, just I may just be living in these four you know walls, but I, you know, I started painting and doing all types of stuff that I hadn't done before.
You were making bread.
Nika, I started karaoke-ing.
Like we started karaoke-ing.
Like all kinds of stuff.
It was you know.
Now I paint, I'm an artist, you know and, and you know it was in this time of uncertainty.
Like none of us knew what was going to happen.
And I made a decision to like, I'm going to live in this house in this backyard.
I live in a town home.
So like my little bit of, you know, backyard and my little bit of front yard with my dog.
And this is what we were going to do.
But there are other people who, like they, were fixated on conspiracy theories and All of these things.
And so those were decisions that we all got to make.
And so even to Robin's point, it is we get to decide.
And so if it's going to be 15 years from now, 10 years, am I really going to be focused on the conspiracies or the negative, or what have you?
I can if I want.
It's up to me.
Or am I going to paint?
Am I going to paint?
OK, am I going to paint my life away and do karaoke and have an online cooking class and all kinds of stuff?
Am I going to do that?
And so I think it's so much about perspective and decision.
Like you get to change your own mind.
You get to do that.
Right.
Nobody does this for us.
You get to like it's a privilege.
Right.
That you can.
And if you're in a space like I can do this.
And is it hard to get through that stuff and to go?
Yeah, it is.
But you can still do it.
And it's little by little.
It's not all of these.
This is big, huge.
I want to just, you know, be a totally different person tomorrow.
It's little baby steps.
And this is what we do in coaching.
It's just the smallest thing.
What's the smallest thing, little tweak in your, your thought process today that we can do?
And let's just do that two times this week, that's it right.
Let's think positively for five minutes on thursday and saturday, that's all that's it, and then from there we build on that and so i think you know that's something is tom is going through whatever they're going through, like just these little baby steps, and it keeps to rosie's point, like as present, even as if it's for five minutes or two minutes, right?
Well, I mean, like I said Tom, you are not alone.
There's many of us out here, and I hope that you feel more a part of a community and that we're all here with you.
And for everyone who's listening.
I do just want to mention that Headspace, and that includes this podcast, it's you know, we're going to provide mindfulness and well-being content, but we don't necessarily provide clinical treatment.
So we like to make sure to point people to you know.
If you are struggling with any kind of mental health conditions, please make sure you know, talk to a licensed provider.
And And we do also have a support resources page, which is headspacecom slash mental dash health, dash resources.
So that's available to you as well.
And it's available to you or anyone you know who might be in a space where they need that.
And lastly, I do just want to say that if you or anyone you know is having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or call 911 or just In a pinch, go to the nearest emergency room.
So again, we just want to say thank you to Tom for that question.
And I want to say thank you to everyone for their questions.
I mean, these were very big questions about disappointment and guilt and fear.
And like I said, I think we can all relate to these feelings and these questions.
Yes, Robin, community is so important.
It's so important to have people around you that make you feel loved and supported.
Absolutely.
The people that we surround ourselves with.
And so I certainly, you know, I love the idea of community and how we can progress in that way.
Well, I'm glad that you two are a part of my community.
And I want to say thank you to Vicki, Gina and Tom, also now part of my community.
Thank you for bringing your questions to us.
And if you're sitting at home and you're listening and you've got a worry or a concern and it's just nagging at you, we're here for you.
And this whole community is here for you.
So just head over to sayhi.chat slash Dear Headspace to record your question.
The link is in the show notes.
And if we use your questions in the show, you're going to get three months of Headspace for free which you can use or you can give to a loved one who you feel might want some meditation and mindfulness help.
Yay, we are here for you.
So don't be shy with the questions.
And now it's my turn to help everyone listening transition from these deep and meaningful conversations.
We have built in some time to process or even just chill before going straight into the next thing in your day.
So here are some sounds of the ocean at dusk.
Listen, reflect, let your mind do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy, and be kind to each other.
Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones, and Scott Sorenson.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer, Sarah Cohn, Barron Farmer, and Danny Karisamy.
Our production coordinator is Taylor Jennings-Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Kaysonga Giscombe, Dora Kamau, Samantha Snowden, Eve-Louise Prieto and Rosie Acosta.
Post-production is by Dan Kroll.
Music is by Scott Sorensen and Chris Mergia.
And a special thanks to Colleen Lutz.