I didn't want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all the copies I could find.
Man, this is bad.
And I've had my share of bad reviews.
I still remember my first good one, though.
Everything else in this production of Our Town was simply terrible.
Joey Tribbiani was abysmal.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
Look at all the newspapers.
It must be a good review.
Is it great?
Um...
Oh, dear God.
But the good news is no one in a two-block radius will ever know.
What about the rest of Manhattan?
Yeah, they all know.
Oh, my God, this is horrible.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so humiliated.
Yeah, but you know what they say, Mon?
There is no such thing as bad press.
You don't think that, um, the chef's mahi-mahi was awful-awful?
His bad press?
I didn't write it.
Is he right?
Am I really?
Am I awful?
No.
Hey, Monica, you listen to me, okay?
And I'm not just saying this because I'm your friend.
I'm saying it because it's the truth.
Your food is abysmal.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you supposed to be?
Remember the Russian satellite Sputnik?
Well, I'm a potato. or a spud.
And these are my antenna.
So Sputnik becomes... Spudnik.
Sputnik.
Wow, I don't have the worst costume anymore.
Hey, all right, Ross came as duty.
No, I'm not duty.
No, space duty.
That's right.
Still no baby.
Come on, people.
Please make some room.
Uh, sweetie, maybe you'd be more comfortable here.
You.
Like you haven't done enough.
I know how miserable you are.
I wish there was something I can do.
I wish I were a seahorse.
Because with seahorses, it's the male, they carry the babies.
And then also, I'd be far away in the sea.
I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life.
Oh, I know.
I've been there.
I remember toward the end.
Oh, Phoebe, that's a great story.
Could you tell it to me while you're getting me some iced tea?
Oh, God.
Get out!
Get out!
Get out!
Get out! did anything to hurt you in high school.
That's not totally true.
What?
What?
Well, you did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs. Altman, our 50-year-old librarian.
How did you know that?
It's true?
No.
Yes, it is.
I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog.
I'm sorry.
When you were in high school, you made out with a 50-year-old woman?
Hey, she didn't look 50.
Did she look 16?
Oh, there's a picture of her in the yearbook, actually.
Oh.
Wow!
She didn't photograph well.
Well, she probably wasn't familiar with the process, having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings.
So how did this happen?
Did she lure you to an early bird dinner?
Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Welcome home.
So how was the honeymoon?
It was great.
It was great.
But how about you?
I mean, you're having a baby.
Oh, look.
I have a sonogram picture.
Oh, good.
Ross, it's got your wavy black lines.
So now that Ross knows, can you tell us, you know, how it happened?
I mean, when did it happen?
How many times did it happen?
Monica, that's not right.
Start with where.
Well, it happened about six weeks ago and I had just gotten home from work and Ross was already there, because I guess he'd been hanging out with Joey.
You're welcome, buddy.
Yeah, thanks.
And so I had a lot of work to do, and Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out.
And then we had a little wine, we got to talking and next thing, you know out of nowhere, Ross comes on to me.
Oh, that's a little misleading.
What is?
The lie you just told.
That you came on to me?
There's the one.
But you did.
I mean, let's be honest.
Yes, let's.
You know what?
It's not important.
What's important is that we're having a baby.
And it doesn't matter who came on to who.
Whom.
That's right.
You know you kissed me first.
What?
You were begging me to kiss you.
You were sending me signals all over the place.
I was sending you signals?
Oh, please.
Okay, anyone in this room think that I would actually send Ross begging signals?
Please, show of hands.
You know, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter what people believe.
What matters is what happened.
Okay, well, so these signals, Ross, explain this to me, because maybe I need to be more careful.
I mean, am I sending you these signals right now?
You know what?
Rachel, just just drop it.
No, please show me how i begged you.
I can show you.
I have it on videotape.
It's an expression rachel's pregnant, yeah well, who's the father?
We don't know.
Oh, i wonder if it's that dude.
There's a dude, Who is it?
About a month ago, this guy spent the night with Rachel.
Now, I didn't see who it was, but... Was that story over?
The guy left this.
Oh, my God.
I know who the father is.
People have got to finish their stories.
Hey, my sweater!
I've been looking for this for like a month.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
You have the bath, but I am taking your boat.
Now you're just a girl in a tub.
Hey.
Hi, Bubbles.
Manly.
Well, I just thought I would drop by and let you know how it went with Joey.
You told her?
She pulled it out of me.
She's like a conversational wizard.
How did it go?
Well, you were wrong.
He doesn't like me.
What?
Yeah.
How would you like it if I sent you to Lee Majors' house and I told you that he liked you and you went down there and you found out that he didn't like you?
How would you feel?
I don't think I'd care.
Really?
Lee Majors is hot.
Hello?
We're in the bathroom.
Because it's a relaxing and enjoyable time.
What are you guys doing in here?
Oh, my God.
A friend he's looking at differently, but it's wrong.
It's Rachel.
You like Rachel?
Hey, look, it's no big deal, okay?
Phoebe and I talked about it.
It's just a crush.
It's gonna go away.
Dude, you gotta rearrange your bubbles.
Whoa.
That's not tough.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
Hey.
Ross and I were looking for you.
What are we all doing in here?
Oh, my.
Honey, cover it up with the boat.
Hello?
Yes, we're all in here, and we'd love for you to join us.
Well, hey, what's going on?
Ooh, cool boat.
Oh, no.
Hey, did you tell them?
No, I was waiting for you.
Tell us what?
We're having a girl.
I'll get you later.
You guys think our readers ought to know?
No, just that he is a great guy.
Yeah, that's going to get you into soap opera digest.
I would just like to say that Joey truly has enriched the days of our lives.
I just think that you don't expect someone so hot to be so sweet.
I like that.
Oh.
What's your name?
Phoebe Buffay.
How do you spell that so we can get it right?
Oh, OK.
It's P as in Phoebe, H as in Hebe, O as in Obe, E as in Ebe, B as in Bebe, and E as in, hello there, mate. to have a Halloween party.
Oh, good!
Yeah, and everybody has to wear costumes.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Well, I'll be there.
I mean, I have to wear a costume to all my classes that day anyway, so Please tell me you're not going to dress up like a dinosaur.
Not two years in a row.
I'll come to the party, but I'm not dressing up.
You have to.
No way.
Look, Halloween is so stupid.
Dressing up and pretending to be someone you're not.
You're an actor.
So, Ross, are you going to bring Mona?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I will.
The hot girl from their wedding?
Yeah.
Well hey, if she needs any ideas for costumes, she could be a bikini model or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader or a leather face from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
No, no, no. with a slutty leather face.
Now, wasn't Joey hitting on her at the wedding, too?
That's right.
He was hitting on her.
And I got her.
I guess the better man won.
Please don't take her from me.
Joey, those are my maternity pants.
No, no, these are my Thanksgiving pants.
Well, that's it.
I'm done.
Here come the meat sweats.
Well, Joey, we're all very proud of you.
Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the president any moment now.
Is there anything we can do for you?
No, just nobody press on my stomach.
You can keep those pants, by the way.
What do you got there?
Is that pie?
Yeah, you want some?
Just cut me a little sliver.
A little bigger.
I'm bigger.
What, are you afraid you're gonna run out?
Cut me a real piece!
So, Papa, I just crossed your puzzle.
And guess who is the clue for Three Down?
Three Down.
Days of our Lives star Blank Tribbiani.
That's me!
I'm Blank!
How cool is this?
We know Three Down.
I'm touching Three Down.
Yeah, you are, baby.
Three Down knows I'm married.
What's Three Down doing?
So do they call you to tell you your name's gonna be in this?
No.
They really like me over there, though.
They wanted to do a big profile on me, but I said no.
Why'd you say no?
Remember what happened the last time I did an interview for them?
I said I write a lot of my own lines and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down the elevator shaft.
So who knows what I might say this time.
If only there was something in your head to control the things you say.
Oh, come on, Joey.
You will totally keep it in check this time.
And plus, you know, the publicity would be really good for your career, and you deserve that.
And if you do the interview, you could mention, oh, I don't know, gal pal Rachel Green?
Is that gal pal spelled L-O-S-E-R?
Yes.
She's so beautiful.
Oh, my God.
She's amazing.
I'm so glad you guys got drunk and had sex.
It's incredible.
I mean, one minute she's inside you, and then 47 hours later, here she is.
She looks so real.
You know what I mean.
Okay, my turn, my turn.
Hello, baby.
Oh, baby.
Oh, you're so cute.
Oh, I could squeeze your little head.
I won't.
What's the matter?
Nothing.
I'm sorry.
I just can't stop crying.
The doctor said it's completely normal with all the hormones, plus you're sleep deprived.
So?
You guys are all sleep deprived.
I don't see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet.
I was reliving it.
So, do you know what you're gonna call her yet?
Oh, wait a minute.
It's not gonna be Baby Girl?
I thought that was so original.
Uh, actually, we've narrowed it down to two names.
Yeah, and you know what?
I love them both.
So why don't you just pick one, and that'll be it?
Well, um... Okay, uh, everyone?
This is Isabella.
Oh, Isabella.
Hi.
What?
That's not her name.
I'm sorry.
She just doesn't feel like an Isabella.
What was the other one, Rose?
Um, Delilah.
Oh, great.
Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore.
So, I guess we're back to, uh, baby girl.
Yay!
What are we gonna do?
It's okay, honey.
You'll find a name.
Oh, easy for you to say.
You already know what your kids' names are gonna be.
You do?
Yeah.
I've been picked out since I was 14.
Oh, no, it's gonna be named after some snack or baked good, isn't it?
Well, tell us, what are they?
Um, okay, if it's a boy, it's Daniel.
And if it's a girl?
I don't want to say.
Oh, don't tell us.
We're not gonna want it.
Okay.
It's Emma.
Emma.
See, I don't want it.
Take it.
What?
She's clearly an Emma.
Oh, honey, but you love that name.
Yeah, but I love you more.
Besides, you know, nothing goes with Bing, so I'm screwed.
Who'd you kick whose ass in a fight, you or Ross?
There's no question.
So you think Ross, too?
You picked Ross?
Ross is really strong.
He's the strongest out of all three of you.
Except for Joey.
I cannot believe you didn't pick me.
In her defense, she's right.
I am stronger.
I would destroy you.
Oh, really?
You think you're stronger?
Why don't you prove it?
Oh, I'll prove it.
I'll prove it like a theorem.
Now, there's no one to fight in this apartment.
Hey, Monica, people came to see a fight.
Let's give them what they came for.
Hey, you guys could arm wrestle.
Yeah, listen to the slutty nurse.
You're going down.
Oh, yeah, you're going further down, downtown.
Seriously, guys, the trash talk is embarrassing.
Wanted to.
Interesting.
Anyway, probably worked out for the best.
Yeah, sure.
In about 10 seconds, you're going to see him kiss me.
And in about five seconds, you're going to see why.
Ross, did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe?
Hey, get ready to see some begging.
Oh, you came on to Ross.
What?
Now I'm so happy.
What are you talking about?
You used the Europe story.
That's the magic story you use when you want to have sex.
How do you know about that story?
How do you know about that story?
I heard it from my friend Irene, who heard it from some guy.
Some guy.
No, no.
She told me that his name was Ken Adams.