Uh, does anyone know where the Freeman building is?
Yeah, it's the new building on Avenue A. What?
That's all the way across town.
I'm supposed to teach a graduate seminar there in ten minutes.
Ooh, dude, that's not gonna happen.
Move it!
Move it!
Move it!
Hey, I'm the teacher!
I'm sorry I'm a little late.
Whoa, a lot late.
Well, let me start by introducing myself.
I'm Professor Geller.
So to sum up, I'm Professor Geller.
Good job today.
You were 50 minutes late to the class?
What, did you crawl there?
No, I ran, okay?
It's really far.
And when did people stop understanding the phrase, get the hell out of my way?
Hi.
I'm Ross.
I don't believe we met.
I'm Monica's older brother.
Oh, hi.
I'm Mona from her restaurant.
Oh.
Hello, Mona from her restaurant.
Mona.
Wow, what a beautiful name.
You think so?
I always kind of hated it.
Oh, come on.
Mona Lisa?
Uh-huh.
Huh?
Mona, um, Klecklachen?
The famous botanist?
Huh?
Oh no, she's uh.
Well, she's dead now, but No, supposedly she was once quite the hottie of the plant world.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, see, I never knew about her.
Linda Klerklachen.
So what table are you at?
Oh, me too.
Good.
Now there'll be someone there who likes my name.
Yes, there will.
Oh, guess what, Molly Gilbert?
You've just been bumped up to table one.
And if it's all right with you, I'm gonna take your place at table six.
Martin Kleklachen.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Now, if everyone will please take your seats.
Dinner will be served.
Hey, I thought you were at table six.
Uh, no, nine.
Oh, see, before, when you showed it to me, you held it that way, which was misleading.
It was the chair again, okay?
I'm not doing it.
Look, I don't, you know what?
Hey, did Rachel find you?
No, why?
Oh, she was looking for you.
Oh, well, I guess I'll catch up with her later.
Well, does she really want to talk to you now?
Yeah, it seemed pretty important.
Oh, no.
I think I might know what this is about.
Really?
Yeah uh, uh.
We promised we were gonna tell anybody this, but uh, about a month ago uh, Rachel and I slept together.
And?
Well, I...
I thought you'd be a little more shocked.
Oh, I'm sorry.
And?
Well, we said we'd just do it that one time, but now I think she may want to start things up again.
Yeah, I don't think that's what it is.
I have to point out, I never did anything to hurt you in high school.
That's not totally true.
What?
What?
Well, you did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs. Altman, our 50-year-old librarian.
How did you know that?
It's true?
No.
Yes, it is.
I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog.
I'm sorry.
When you were in high school, you made out with a 50-year-old woman?
Hey, she didn't look 50.
Did she look 16?
Oh, there's a picture of her in the yearbook, actually.
Oh.
Wow!
She didn't photograph well.
Well, she probably wasn't familiar with the process, having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings.
So, how did this happen?
Did she... Did she lure you to an early bird dinner?
Okay, here's a good one of us.
Oh, that is a good one.
Wow, it looks like a holiday card, you know, with the tree in the middle and the skaters and the snow.
You know, every year I say I'm going to send out holiday cards and I never do it.
Do you want to send this one out together?
Together?
Like, to people?
Yeah, you know, happy holidays from Mona and Ross.
It'll be cute, okay?
Okay.
I gotta get to work.
So call me later?
Oh, sure, sure.
Bye, guys.
Bye.
Congratulations.
You just got married.
I know.
Can you believe that?
Wait, I'm sorry.
What's the big deal about a holiday card?
Married couples send out cards.
Families send out cards.
People who've been dating for a couple of months do not send out cards.
What, is she crazy?
Hey hey hey hey, that's your wife you're talking about.
There's something that we really need to talk about.
I think we do.
Why don't we go inside?
Look uh, i know why you're here, you do yeah, and to save you from any embarrassment um, i think maybe i should talk first okay okay, Ross and Rachel.
Rachel and Ross.
That's been one heck of a seesaw, hasn't it?
What?
I mean look, that one night we had was fun and certainly passionate, but don't you think it's better if we just stay friends?
Seriously, what?
Okay.
Okay.
You know what?
If you want to, we can do it one more time.
I mean, I'd be okay with that.
In fact, I have some time right now.
Okay.
You know what?
Can I talk now?
Oh, sure.
Okay.
Oh.
Okay, whenever you're ready.
And you're the father, by the way, but you go.
Can I get you some water?
I'm good.
Ross, there is no pressure on you, okay?
I mean, you can be as involved as you want.
Yeah, I, uh... I'm just... I don't know.
I don't understand.
Um, how this happened.
We used a condom.
I know.
I know, but, you know, condoms only work, like, 97% of the time.
What?
What?
Well, they should put that on the box!
They do.
No, they don't!
Well, they should put it in huge block letters.
Okay, Russ, come on.
Let's just forget about the condoms.
Oh, well, I may as well have.
Listen, you know what?
I was really freaked out, too, when I found out.
Hey, I'm not freaked out.
I'm indignant as a consumer...
You know what?
Let's talk later.
No, no, I want to talk now, okay?
In fact, I want to talk to the president of the condom company.
Okay, you know what?
Maybe I should come back.
Shh.
Yeah, I'll press one.
Um, what are you doing?
What?
I'm not you.
This may be the only wedding I ever have.
I want it to be amazing.
Okay, okay.
Ooh.
Ooh, maybe I rode in on a Harley.
Okay, Ross, it has to be realistic.
And my veil was lace made by blind Belgian nuns.
Blind?
Well, not at first, but it was very intricate work and they said, even though they lost their sight, it was all worth it.
I bet you looked beautiful.
Oh well, I don't know about that, but there were some people that said I looked like a floating angel.
How did you propose?
Oh, yeah, that's a great story.
Well, um... Actually, I took her to the planetarium.
That's where we had our first date.
She walked in and I had the room filled with lilies, her favorite flower.
That is so sweet.
Shh, I want to hear the rest.
Then Fred Astaire singing the way you look, tonight came on the sound system and the lights came down and I got on one knee and written across the dome in the stars were the words will you marry me?
Oh.
And the ring was the size of my fist.
How was your week?
Oh, it was good.
Actually, the baby started kicking.
How exciting.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, it was amazing.
The only sad thing is I wasn't around when it happened for the first time.
Oh, no.
Yeah, I know.
And I was missing out on all this other stuff, too.
So Joey suggested Rachel move in with me.
Yeah, right.
What?
Joey cracks me up.
It's like, yeah, why don't you have your ex-wife move in with you?
That wouldn't be awkward at all.
Hey, could you imagine?
I go away for a few days, I come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant.
So what'd you tell him?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
In what John Huston film would you hear this line?
Badges?
We don't need no stinking badges.
Treasure of the Sierra Madre.
Correct.
There's a possible backwards bonus.
Madre Sierra, thee of treasure.
Yes!
I'd like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut, please.
Wise choice.
How many rungs?
Six.
That noise can only mean one thing.
Hungry monkey!
Ah!
I'd like a Wicked Wango card.
Okay.
It's an audio question.
Name this television theme song.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I know this.
Give me a second.
Tell it to a time turtle.
Shut up!
I dream of genius.
Yes, yes, you're back in the lead.
I'd like to spin the wheel.
Oh, come on!
Um, super speedy speed round.
Is there a hopping bonus?
Of course.
Who invented bifocals?
Ben Franklin.
Correct.
Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest?
Queen Victoria.
Correct again, but you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no hopping bonus.
Oh, every time!
Now, over to Chandler.
I'd like a Google Card, are you sure?
Yes no, google.
Oh my god congratulations ross because chandler, you've been bamboozled.
This is the best game ever.
Come on, explain yourself, geller.
First you get my rachel pregnant.
You got rachel pregnant.
Who did you did?
Yes Yes yes, I did, but it was just a one-night thing.
It meant nothing.
Oh, really?
That's what my daughter means to you?
Nothing?
No, no, sir.
She means a lot to me.
I mean, I care.
I love Rachel.
What?
Oh, but not in that way.
I mean, I'm not in love with her.
I love her like a friend.
Oh, really?
That's how you treat a friend?
You get her in trouble, and then you refuse to marry her?
Hey, I offered to marry her, but I didn't want to.
Well, why not?
So you can spend your time with this tramp?
Tramp?
I'm sorry, Dr. Green.
Mona, Mona, Dr. Green.
How could you have kept all of this from me?
I was going to tell you, but... But what?
You figured you'd get what you wanted, then you'd dump her like you did Rachel.
Hey, I did not dump Rachel, nor are we still together.
Oh, um... Can I just...
Why don't we just let the machine get that?
Hey, Ross, it's Joey.
There's a hooker over here, and we thought maybe you'd know something about it.
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
I need to lie down.
Evie, come here.
I want to show you something in the bathroom.
Oh, Monica, grow up.
Hey, what do you got behind your back?
Nothing.
It's just...
Just something I want to get Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day.
You don't want my opinion?
Not really.
Come on.
I'm your older brother.
Ask me.
Oh, okay, big brother.
Which one of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter?
So your best friend would want to do her.
The red one.
What are you... Hi.
Hi.
Well, what are you doing here?
I'm supposed to pick you up.
Change of plans.
I made you a special Valentine's dinner.
Surprise.
Hi.
Oh, hey, Mona.
Hi.
Hi, Rachel.
What's she doing here?
I have no idea.
I'll be watching TV if anybody needs me.
Seriously, what is she doing?
Uh, you know, lately she just likes hanging out here.
Why?
I think she's lonely.
Okay, but it's Valentine's Day.
Can't we just ask her to go?
Well, no, no.
She's way too emotional.
And by emotional, I mean crazy.
I'm not here.
That's just my Chinese food.
Yes, she's emotional, but... but ballsy.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get in my sweats and eat this in bed.
And you thought she was gonna be in our way.
So, okay, why don't you open the champagne, and I will be right back.
I've got a surprise for you.
You got another ex-wife back there?
Please start drinking.
You like Rachel?
Yes.
I like Rachel.
Rachel?
Rachel!
Yeah, okay.
Hey, you know who else I like?
You.
And it doesn't get said enough.
I like you, Ross.
Rachel?
Rachel?
Yeah.
It's not a big deal.
It's not a big deal?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just... Um...
What about all the stuff you just said?
I mean, how about, like, if you can't stop thinking about her, like, how you can't sleep?
I'm an actor, you know?
As a group, we tend to be overdramatic.
Rachel, who's carrying my baby?
Rachel?
No, I know it's bad, and I know it's wrong, okay?
But it's not like anything's ever gonna happen.
You know, these are just feelings.
They're gonna go away.
You know, I gotta go.
Oh, come on, Ross.
Hey, Ross, Ross, don't... I just, you know, I just have one... Rachel!
Rachel!
I noticed you've picked out a lot of our dinosaur items.
Oh, yeah.
Actually, that's one of the reasons why we are not a couple.
I chose those.
I'm a paleontologist.
Really, that is so cool.
Oh oh yeah, don't get too worked up over it.
I mean, it sounds like he's a doctor, but he's not.
Oh no no, i'm fascinated by paleontology.
Have you read the new walter alvarez book?
Yeah, i teach it in my class.
Oh my god, standing at a cash register, i'm holding a credit card and i'm bored.
Oh, i love your neighborhood.
There's a great gym right around the corner from your building.
That's my gym.
I can tell you work out.
A paleontologist who works out, you're like Indiana Jones.
I am like Indiana Jones.
Wait a minute.
You hated the name Ruth.
Why would you change your mind?
Unless you know we're never gonna have to use it.
You did see the folder.
You know it's a boy.
I didn't see anything.
I actually changed my mind about the name.
Oh, I don't think so.
You're just giving me Ruth, so you'll get to name him when it's a boy.
And then that's when you'll swoop in and name him Heath or Blaine or Sequoia.
I would... Sequoia?
Vito.
Vito, unless you anticipated that I would figure all this out, and you know that it actually is a girl.
And you really do want her to be named Ruth.
Well, I'm not falling for that.
Okay?
Ruth is off the table.
But, Ross, you want the name Ruth.
Not like this.
Worried about her, i'm worried about my baby.
Whoever she dates, my baby dates no, no.
Where is this actor taking them?
Hey, i'm an actor too.
I'm not sure.
I think they're taking the ferry out to some italian place on staten island.
A ferry, my baby's going on a ferry.
Do you have any idea how dangerous those are?
Are we talking about those big boats that carry cars?
They go like five miles an hour.
Why don't they just jump out of an airplane huh?
That's a fun date.
Or burn each other with matches.
That's fun, too.
Whee!
Hey, Joey.
Hey, Cash.
Uh, hey, this is Ross.
Ross, this is Cash.
Hey.
Hey, I hear you're going on a ferry tonight.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Bit of a daredevil, are we?
Hey, you guys, you think this is too slutty.
Hi, Cash.
Hey, Rachel.
Huh?
You ready to go?
All right, I'll see you guys later.
Okay.
Have a great time, you guys.
Thank you.
Yes, it is true, slutty.
I have a date tonight.
It has to go well, okay?
I'm scared for my health.
Okay, okay.
Oh, oh, oh, I got something.
Okay, it's this story that I came up with.
Very romantic.
I swear, any woman that hears it, they're like putty.
Really?
Well, then tell it to me.
Okay.
Now, you're gonna want to have sex with me when you hear it, but...
You have to remember, it is just the story.
I'll try to control myself.
Okay.
Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe.
You were backpacking across Western Europe.
Have a nice six more months, Ross.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'm sorry, please, please.
You were in Western Europe, and...
I was just outside of Barcelona, hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo.
I was at the end of this path, and I came to a clearing, and there was a lake, very secluded.
And there were tall trees all around.
It was dead silent.
Gorgeous.
And across the lake, I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself.
But she was crying.
Why?
Oh, this is great wine.
It's from France.
In Europe.
Western Europe.
You know, a few years ago, Uh, actually, I was backpacking across Western Europe.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Wait, it gets better.
Um, yeah, I was in, um, Barcelona.
I studied for a year in Barcelona.
Anyway, um, so I was, um, I was hiking.
I love hiking.
Oh, that's great!
I was hiking along the foothills of Mount Tibidabo.
I think it's Tibidabo.
Okay, do you want to tell the story?
You're in love with her?
I thought you knew that.
Um, no.
Oh.
Hey, look, if it helps, I don't want to feel this way.
Honest.
I just keep thinking, I'll get over this, you know?
But it just keeps getting harder, and I...
I don't know what to do, you know?
I don't know.
What do I do?
You need to find out where she is.
Because if she's not where you are, then you can start to move past this.
But what if, uh, and I'm not saying she will be, but.
If she is where you are, then, uh, then my feeling weird about it shouldn't stand in the way.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Look if she's gonna end up with somebody else.
Truth is she couldn't find a better guy, so Okay, thanks.
So when do you think you're gonna talk to her?
Oh, my God, I have to tell her.
I haven't even thought about what I would say.
What should I say?
I'm understanding, but let's not get carried away.
What are you supposed to be?
Remember the Russian satellite Sputnik?
Well, I'm a potato.
Or a spud.
And these are my antenna.
So Sputnik becomes... Spudnik.
Sputnik.
Wow, I don't have the worst costume anymore.
Hey, all right, Ross came as duty.
No, I'm not duty.
No, space duty.
You got me taffy.
Taffy, really?
I've never had any.
Ever?
Well, I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats.
So what, are you just never gonna tell her?
Oh, no, no, no, I will.
I just wanna butter her up first, you know?
I'm gonna take her to an amazing Valentine's dinner, do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks I'm the best boyfriend in the world, then I'm gonna tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
If I haven't said it before, she's a lucky, lucky lady.
So, where are you gonna... What the mother of crap is up with this stuff?
God, is it gum?
Is it food?
What's the deal?
Oh, it's nice.
May I try a pink one?
Hello.
Can I get you anything, huh?
Lens cleaner?
Your battery okay?
Oh, Ross.
Hi.
Thank God you're here.
You have to help me.
Were you just talking to yourself?
That's less embarrassing.
Yes, yes, I was.
So when she came in, I got distracted and totally forgot about the camera.
It kept rolling and recorded everything.
Yeah, we're going to need to see that tape.
That'll get Rachel to forgive me.
You know what?
This is not fair to her.
Let's just forget the tape.
Thank you.
No.
You're right.
Johnny, no.
Loud and clear.
Thanks for the coffee.
Or, uh...
Yeah, we're done.
Hazel.
Hazel.
Hazel, Hazel.
Hey, Ross.
Listen, you want to go see that new IMAX movie on tide pools?
Really?
But I got Knicks tickets for you, me, and Chandler.
Sweet.
All right, well, finish your coffee.
Let's go.
Okay, I just have to stop by my place first.
To take the game.
You do this every time, Ross.
You're not going to be on TV.
Hazel.
Hey, Gunther, you're an hazel.
Yeah, I have sex med hazels.
Whoops.
Oh, I seem to have dropped my fork.
Let me just bend over and get it.
Oh, God.
Okay, enough.
This is not going to happen.
Oh, come on, Roz.
I'm miserable here.
Come on, you started this.
Now you finish it.
Come on, Wes, make love to me.
You know what?
What?
Forget it.
Oh, wow, what now, Ross?
You're not gonna talk?
How on earth will you ever annoy me?
Oh, wait a minute, I know.
I mean, you'd think the damn jalapeno would have cleared up your sinuses, but no, that's not enough.
What are you doing?
I'm getting that baby out of you.
Oh, God.
Oh, I know.
Oh, no, no.
I think my water just broke.
I am good.
Okay, okay.
Okay, I got the pillow.
I got the bag.
You got the keys?
I got the keys.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey.
Yeah?
We're having a baby.
I didn't really have time to read this part of the books, but do you think we have time?
Not so much.
Who's ass in a fight, you or Ross?
There's no question.
So you think Ross, too?
You picked Ross?
Ross is really strong.
He's the strongest out of all three of you.
Except for Joey.
I cannot believe you didn't pick me.
In her defense, she's right.
I am stronger.
I would destroy you.
Oh, really?
You think you're stronger?
Why don't you prove it?
Oh, I'll prove it.
I'll prove it like a theorem.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop.
Now, there's no one who's going to fight in this apartment.
Hey, Monica, people came to see a fight.
Let's give them what they came for.
You guys could arm wrestle.
Yeah, listen to the slutty nurse.
You're going down.
Oh, yeah, you're going further down, downtown.
Seriously, guys, the trash talk is embarrassing.
If you're looking for a place.
I just heard in the elevator this morning that a woman in my building died.
Oh, my God.
Was she old?
Does she have a view?
Well, I don't know, but how great would that be, huh?
You living in my building?
I could help take care of the baby.
I could come over whenever I want.
With your permission.
Wow, that really would be great.
Yeah.
Well, can we see it?
Oh, maybe we shouldn't.
I mean, if she just died this morning, out of respect.
Yeah, no.
No, you're right.
Shall we?
Yeah yes hi, i'm ross geller.
I live in the building and i'm rachel, an admirer of the building.
I i heard about mrs verhoeven passing away and i'm so sorry for your loss.
She didn't pass away what.
My mother's still alive.
Oh, thank god.
It looked like we were going to lose her this morning, but She's a tough old bird.
Are you close with her?
Of course.
Yeah, she and I would talk all the time in the laundry room.
You speak Dutch.
You know, I would, but it's just too painful.
So she's really not dead?
No.
She's hanging in there.
Could you tell me, is she hanging in in a one bedroom or a two?
This room's available.
Okay, okay, wait.
You listen to me.
You listen to me.
Since I have been waiting, four women that's four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated have come and gone with their babies.
I'm next.
It's my turn.
It's only fair.
And if you bring in one more woman and she has her baby before me, I'm going to sue you.
Not this hospital.
I'm going to sue you.
And my husband, he is the lawyer.
Oh, Rachel.
You get back on that case, honey.
I don't think the next patient is very far along.
Okay, well, then bring her in.
I can't believe this.
And yet, somehow, it's true.
I mean, this is so great.
We're gonna be baby buddies.
Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby's ears.
Hi, sweetie.
Hi.
Hi, sweetheart.
This is my husband, Sid.
I don't think you've met him.
Ross, Rachel, this is Sid.
I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologist's office.
Thank God for adult acne, huh?
I still can't believe it.
I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
Really?
What'd he say?
You know what?
You have to speak very loudly when you're talking to Sid, because he's almost completely deaf.
Oh, there you go, wanted to interesting anyway um, probably worked out for the best.
Yeah sure okay, in about 10 seconds you're gonna see him kiss me and in about five seconds you're gonna see why.
Ross, did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe?
Hey, get ready to see some begging.
Oh, you came on to Ross.
What?
Now, I'm so happy.
What are you talking about?
You used the Europe story.
That's the magic story you use when you want to have sex.
How do you know about that story?
How do you know about that story?
I heard it from my friend Irene, who heard it from some guy.
Some guy.
No, no.
She told me that his name was Ken Adams.
Right.
Yes.
From home to the hospital in under seven minutes.
We did it.
Yes, the hard part is truly over.
No, but come on.
We're off to a great start, aren't we?
I knew I'd get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record.
Oh, you made it.
How the hell did you beat us here?
We took a cab.
Did you guys walk?
No, we took a cab too, but I did test runs.
Hi.
Hey, you made it.
Okay, is there some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?
Ross, you stay here and talk.
I'm gonna go have a baby.
Okay, okay.
Hi, this is Rachel Green.
I'm Ross Geller.
We called from the car.
Right.
We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm sorry.
Semi-private?
We asked for a private room.
Yes, I see that here.
Unfortunately, we can't guarantee a private room.
And currently, they're all unavailable.
Man, if only you'd gotten here sooner.
I'm sorry.
Semi-private rooms are all we have.
Okay, just give us a second.
Ross.
Yeah.
Give her some money.
I really think they're out of rooms.
They're not, Ross.
They're just saving them for the important people, okay?
What if I was the president?
Well, then we'd be in a lot of trouble.
You don't know where any countries are.
Say, would you, um, would you mind checking again?
See if any, uh, private rooms may have opened up?
This is a hospital.
Okay.
You know what?
I have to say, I don't really care for your tone.
And this is not the only hospital in this city, and we have no problem to... Whoa.
Oh, gosh.
Whoa.
What?
What?
Oh, ow.
Contraction.
Ow.
Ow.
Oh.
Would you like to see a semi-private room?
Yeah, it couldn't hurt to look.
Mona?
Okay, if I were a salmon shirt, where would I be?
I am so sorry.
I spilled wine all over your shirt.
Oh, it's okay.
No, it's still wet.
You know what?
Let me get it out before it sets.
Oh, I have something you could wear.
I don't know if I want to wear a woman's shirt.
No, no, that's a man's shirt.
Ross!
Hello!
Ross, what are you doing?
Not touching myself, if that makes anyone less uncomfortable.
Here we go.
Oh, oh, she's upside down, but she's coming, she's coming.
Oh, God!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, she's here.
Oh!
Oh, she's perfect.
Oh, she's so tiny.
Where'd she go?
They're just wrapping her up.
Okay, well, be careful with her.
She's really tiny.
Here she is.
Only you.
Oh, thanks for coming out of me.
I know.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, she's looking at me.
Hi.
I know you.
Do we have a name yet?
No, not yet.
That's fine.
For now, we'll just call her Baby Girl Green.
Oh, no.
Baby Girl Killer Green.
Hello, baby girl.
