Hey, glad you could make it.
Thanks for coming.
Oh, my God, Kyle Louder.
I... I love you!
Hey, that's why I didn't invite you.
You have to calm down, all right?
Just go get yourself a drink or something.
Oh, yeah, that's what you want.
My inhibition's lowered.
Hey, Joey said no autographs.
But if she's getting one, I want one too.
To Monica.
And none of this best wishes crap.
I want love.
Okay.
Actually, Mon, Matthew was giving me his phone number.
Oh, man.
If I had known I was coming to this party, I never would have gotten married.
It's nice to meet you, Rich.
Nice to meet you.
Call me.
We will.
Look at you with all the guys.
I guess you've forgotten all about Joey.
Yeah, well, I guess I have forgotten about Joey.
And clearly, you've forgotten about Chandler.
Please.
Chandler's the love of my life.
Oh, leather pants.
Have mercy.
Try feeding her again.
I already fed her.
I know.
That's why I said, again.
All right, you guys, we can't turn on each other, okay?
That's just what she wants.
Hey.
Hey.
Monica, can I talk to you outside for a minute?
Oh, no, you guys just stay here.
I'm going to go check her diaper.
Pheebs, do you want to come?
Oh, I'm kind of part of this.
Actually, Pheebs, it's more of a husband and wife kind of thing.
I knew I should have married Chandler.
Okay, let's...
Okay, you know how we always said it would be fun to move to Paris for a year?
You know, you could study French cooking and I could write, and we could picnic along the Seine and go wine tasting in Bordeaux.
Oh, yes.
Okay, you know how people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma?
What?
Who says that?
People who have never been to Paris.
What's going on?
We're moving to Tulsa.
Excuse me?
OK.
Miss McKenna, she kind of works above my boss.
She asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there and I was sleeping and apparently said yes.
Tulsa, Oklahoma?
The Sooner State.
Whatever that is.
I don't even want to see the musical Oklahoma.
Really?
Oh, what a beautiful morning.
Sorry with the fringe on top.
Are you trying to tell me that we're moving to Oklahoma or that you're gay?
Not that this matters, but did they at least offer you a huge raise?
No, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus.
I'll get out of it.
Thank you.
What is wrong with Emma?
Oh, she misunderstood.
She thought she was moving to Tulsa.
I just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasn't for fun.
It wasn't fun?
Why?
Why would you... Look...
I just don't want you to think that we're animals who do it whenever we want.
Oh, I don't think that.
Before today, I never thought of you two having sex at all.
It was a simpler time.
The truth is, Dad, we're trying.
What?
Yeah, we're trying to get pregnant.
Oh, my God.
This is so exciting.
Well, get back in there.
I'll guard the door.
It's okay, Dad.
We can wait until later.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't think so.
Aren't you ovulating?
Daddy.
Well, you got to get at it, Princess.
When your mother and I were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it.
That's how I got my bad hip.
It's funny, this conversation is how I got the bullet hole in my head.
I have a weird feeling about this place.
How do I know they're not going to secretly videotape me and put it all over the Internet?
Because, honey, I mean this in the sweetest way possible.
Nobody's going to want to watch that.
Mr. Bing, here you are.
You'll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container.
Deposit my specimen?
You know, I usually have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk.
Thanks.
Got it.
All right, honey, my tests are down the hall.
You sure you're gonna be okay?
Yeah, I guess.
I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares.
No one here even knows you.
Oh, my God!
Oh, come on!
How great is this?
Eh, we're probably fertile.
Let's go home.
Why are you here?
Well, Sid and I are trying again, and we had trouble last time because apparently we just got No no, no.
I mean, why?
Why is she here?
Oh, someone's a little cranky today because they have to do it in a cup.
Oh, they gave you the kitty size.
What?
This was fun, but I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to.
All right, I don't want to alarm anybody, but Monica's hair is twice as big as it was when we landed.
Okay, when I go places with high humidity, it gets a little extra body, okay?
That's why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross.
Come on, I'll show you guys where to check in.
Oh, honey, can you make sure we get a king-size bed?
Oh, David, get one for us, too.
Oh, and see if they have a heart-shaped one.
And with mirrors on the ceilings.
And make sure our room isn't next to theirs.
Just be yourself.
They live on the Upper East Side on Park Avenue.
Oh, yeah, she can't be herself.
Okay, so, all right, which dress?
You can say neither.
Oh, God, neither.
I'm sorry, honey.
We're gonna take you shopping.
It's gonna be fine.
Yeah, totally.
You are in such good hands, and I am so good with meeting parents.
With the father, you know, you want to flirt a little bit, but not in a gross way.
Uh-huh.
Just kind of like, oh, Mr. Pincer.
I can see where Wallace gets his good looks.
You went out with Wallace Pincer?
Oh, he took the SATs for me.
I knew you didn't get a 1,400.
Well, duh.
So, now, what about with Mike's mom?
Oh, well, with the mother, just constantly tell her how amazing her son is.
Take it from me, moms love me.
Ross's mom one time actually said, I am like the daughter that she never had.
She said what?
That she's like the daughter she never had.
I just wanted to let you know I've changed my mind.
I'm going to do it.
I'm going to kiss Joey.
No, you can't.
Friends hooking up is a bad idea.
Please, what about you and Chandler?
That's different.
I was drunk and stupid.
Well, hello.
What about all the guys that you got the phone numbers from?
Why don't you just kiss one of them?
I could.
I could.
But I don't want to.
I want to kiss Joey.
All right.
I think it's a big mistake, but it's your decision.
I'm going to do it.
And I can't stop you.
No.
Hey, Rich, have you seen Charlie anywhere?
I'm smarter than him.
Hello?
Joey just called.
He's got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night.
Really?
But tomorrow night's the only night I get off from the restaurant.
If you go to the game, then we won't have a night together for another week.
But it's courtside.
The cheerleaders are going to be right in... That's not the way to convince you.
Look, I don't want to be one of those wives that says, you can't go to the game.
You have to spend time with me.
So if you could just realize it on your own.
I know.
You're right.
I want to see you too.
I just got to figure out a way to tell Joey.
You know, he's really looking forward to this.
Tell him that you haven't seen your wife in a long time.
Tell him that having a long distance relationship is really difficult.
Tell him that what little time we have together is precious.
I'll think of something.
When we get to Tulsa, I am taking you for a great dinner at Slim Pickens.
So cheesy?
Whole hog?
It's gonna be tough to keep kosher in Tulsa.
Hi, Nancy.
Hi, it's Monica Geller.
I'm good.
Listen, I'm looking for a job in Tulsa.
Well, my husband's been relocated.
Because I love him.
No, no, I don't want a job in New York.
Javu's looking?
Oh, my God.
He asked for me personally?
Oh, my God!
Oh, wow, this is really, really flattering.
But I'm moving to Tulsa.
Yeah, so just if you would tell Javu.
I'll take it.
So you're going to put out that cigarette, we're gonna put this fight on hold, and go have sex.
Fine.
What?
Sex!
This is the last day that I'm ovulating, and if we don't do it now, then we're gonna have to wait till next month.
You're serious?
Oh, yeah.
All right, fine.
I'll do it, but no talking.
And no cuddling.
And no kissing your neck.
Oh, good.
I hate it when you do that.
And lots of kissing your neck.
She's asleep.
That means we can... Yes, but we have to be fast.
Okay, I'll try.
And you can't make any noise.
Okay, I'll try.
Hello?
Emma?
Hey.
Hi.
Oh.
How are ya?
How are ya?
Where are your babysitters, huh?
Why is the bedroom door closed?
You can't have S-E-X when you're taking care of a B-A-B-I-E!
Well, that was weird.
You were loud and I was fast.
I think you may have really done it this time.
Oh, I wish I didn't have to wait to take a pregnancy test.
You may want to get some more of those, too.
Where's Emma?
Oh, my God, where's Emma?
Where's Emma?
Don't ask me.
I was in there canoodling you.
Okay, okay.
I'm sure that Rachel came home early and picked up Emma.
You go look across the hall, and I'll call herself.
Okay.
You better hope that we're pregnant, because one way or another, we're giving a baby back to Rachel.
I just realized I don't care if he is the most perfect guy in the world.
He's not you.
Yeah, he's better.
No, he's not.
And if I can't get pregnant with you, then I don't want to get pregnant by him or anyone else.
Really?
Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
Thank God, because I don't want to do this either.
You know, I was just doing it because I thought that was what you wanted to do.
You know, I'm the husband.
I'm supposed to bring the sperm.
That is so sweet.
Well, I love you.
So, you know, this leaves us with Adoption.
How do you feel about that?
I think I feel OK about it.
Actually, I think I feel really good about it.
Me too.
I want to find a baby that needs a home, and I want to raise it with you.
And I want to mess it up in her own specific way.
So this is it?
We're really gonna adopt?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
We're gonna be parents.
We are gonna be great parents.
And it could be soon.
I mean, think about it.
Right now, somewhere out there, our baby could be being conceived.
Wait.
If we're lucky and we're really, really, really quiet...
We may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking.
Hey!
Oh, my God.
Hey!
Aw!
Hey!
Look at that!
It's a Christmas miracle!
What are you doing here?
I wanted to be with you.
I missed you so much.
Hey, hey, who'd you miss the most?
Monica?
Gotcha.
I never want to leave you again.
But I thought if you left, you'd get fired.
Turns out they can't fire me.
Because I quit.
What?
You really quit your job?
Yeah.
It was a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you.
And why should I be the only one who doesn't get to do what he really wants to do?
Well, what do you really want to do?
I have not thought this through.
Oh, my God.
I know.
I should have talked to you first about it.
No, I think that this is what you want to do.
I think it's great.
Thanks.
Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined.
Aw.
Now give me my real gift, Joe.
I'll play it.
Okay.
Mike, you don't know what you're doing.
She gets crazy.
This scar is from Pictionary.
I think I'll be all right.
You want to volley a bit for sir?
Sure, if you want to.
Ho!
Oh, by the way, um, I'm awesome.
No, dear God, there's two of them.
You ready to play?
Hell yeah.
Did you know this about him?
No idea.
I thought he was soft like you.
You want to make it more interesting?
How much were you thinking?
Ten bucks a game?
Make it fifty.
I'll make it a hundred.
One thousand... Okay!
Let's see who goes first.
You got a quarter?
No.
Either you girls got a quarter?
Honey, try to focus the trash talk on him.
Monica, you call it.
Heads.
No tails.
Heads.
Tails.
Oh, what are the chances?
My point.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
No, according to standard table tennis rules, if at any time, a player uses his non-racket-bearing hand to touch the playing surface, he or she forfeits the point.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I think, I think that may have missed the table.
Uh, yeah.
Do you?
Uh, yeah.
Do you?
Uh, yeah.
You really find this attractive on him?
Oh, yeah.
Are you telling me you're not even a little turned on by Monica right now?
I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one.
All right, come on, Mike.
You can beat her.
Knock that dog off her head.
Oh, damn it.
I sleep with him.
Game point.
Don't get too cocky.
Remember, I won the last one.
Oh, by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl?
You know, you should really look in the mirror before you call yourself that.
No, no, no!
And that's how it's done.
Okey-dokey.
You've each won a game, and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life.
So everybody goes home a winner.
Best out of three?
That's what I'm thinking.
Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?
Serve the ball, chump.
Okay, better comebacks, Mike.
Better comebacks.
I can't just walk away.
I've put in four hours.
But look, you knew this about me when you married me.
You agreed to take me in sickness and in health.
Well, this is my sickness.
What about the obsessive cleaning?
That's just good sense. you okay no no no honey i'm okay i shake it off oh god no shaking no shaking no shaking oh my god i can't play so you forfeit mike wins i can't believe it i lost No, you didn't.
What?
Because I'm gonna play for you.
You can't do that.
That's okay.
I don't care which of them I beat.
Okay, we're taking that pedal home, mister.
Honey, you don't have to do this.
Yes, I do.
Now I may not understand why you have to win so badly, but if it's important to you, then it's important to me because I love you.
But you suck.
You're welcome, sweetheart.
All right, Mike, let's get this over with.
Sudden death.
Whoever wins this point wins.
Okay.
You're good.
It's like watching porn.
And that's how it's done.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That was so amazing.
When did you...
Hold on.
I almost forgot.
Loser.
When did you stop sucking?
I never sucked.
I just didn't want you to know how good I was.
Why?
I don't know.
Well, this is so great.
Now we can enter into doubles tournaments.
That's why.
Hey, I'm old.
What's wrong?
I am so much older than these other interns.
I can't compete with them.
But I saw you were a little older.
Try to look at the positive.
You have all this life experience.
Yes, but I don't think life experience is gonna help me with these.
Wow!
It's like they're on fire!
What are they?
They're these prototype sneakers and I have to come up with ideas on how to sell them, which I can't do because no self-respecting adult would ever wear these.
I'll give you $500 for them.
What am I supposed to do with these?
Come on, sneakers are easy.
You wear sneakers all the time.
Well, first of all, they're not called sneakers anymore.
Apparently they're called kicks or skids.
And I think I heard somebody say slurps.
Here look, they got these wheels that pop out from the bottom so you can roll around, because apparently walking is too much exercise.
Kids, kids, roll your way to childhood obesity.
Would you help me try to sell these?
Okay, have you considered using a girl with huge knockers?
I don't think that's the kind of thing they're looking for.
Hey, that'd work on me.
Why do you think I'd buy Mrs. Butterworth's?
You know what?
These aren't half bad.
You should suggest something like these to Ralph Lauren.
Okay, first of all, that's stupid.
And second of all, I'm not allowed to talk to Ralph.
All right.
I feel younger already.
Yeah, I think I broke my hip.
I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David.
I do.
Want a hint?
Huh?
I do.
Okay, I'm sensing this is some kind of wordplay, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.
David's gonna propose to Phoebe.
What?
Why?
Because we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.
Chandler, we have talked about this.
You are not supposed to give people advice.
Now, could you have made some sort of inappropriate joke?
I did!
A penis one!
Just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said?
They've only been going out for a few weeks.
Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike.
She'll say no, David's heart will be broken, it'll be too hard for them to recover from.
And then Phoebe will end up alone again.
Man, that's some bad advice.
I love your breasts the way they are.
Ugh, fascist.
Well, my breasts are gonna get bigger whether you like it or not.
And you know what?
It's not just my breasts.
My ass is gonna get bigger, too.
Your ass?
Yeah, and don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger, too.
They do that?
It's kind of a package deal.
Why?
Why?
Would you want to do that to yourself?
I thought it was something that we both wanted.
All right, look if it means that much to you.
I may be able to get on board with the big boobs, but the giant ass and the big clown feet.
Oh, my God, Chandler.
If you can't handle this, what are you gonna be like in the hospital with the blood and the screaming and the little person that's shooting out of her?
