Hello, welcome to, or welcome back to, trying to care.
If you're new here, my name is ashley and i upload every single monday over the years i've been doing trying to care, since 2022.
Over the years, I've gotten a lot of questions from you asking how to deal with or how to overcome a situation where someone has done you dirty.
I think when someone does you wrong, It is very common to want revenge or for karma to get them, especially when it's someone who seems to have no remorse for their actions.
I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like it doesn't feel a little bit good to see someone get their comeuppance.
But I do think there is this narrative, especially online, that revenge is very satisfying and it's a healing thing.
And of course it can be, it can feel good to see others get their karma or to see them doing worse after what they did to you.
But in my opinion, the best revenge is becoming a better version of you, even after what they did to you.
It can and most likely it will feel good to know someone got what was coming to them.
It can feel almost freeing to know others finally see them for who they really are.
But realistically...
Waiting for someone else's downfall isn't going to fix anything for you.
What will is fixing yourself, growing and getting better, becoming the best version of you, despite what they did to you.
Not needing revenge, because look at who you became, even after or due to those experiences.
Someone else's downfall will not heal you.
We all want justice, we want people to pay for their wrongdoings, we want our name to be cleared when someone unfairly tries to paint us in a bad light and we want people to see through lies, to see and just people's antics.
But even when all of that does happen and the truth comes to light, it doesn't undo what they did to you and the time they took from you, or how they made you feel or the damage they caused to your life.
There's been several times in my life where someone has done me wrong and it was very clear, based on their actions, that that it wasn't going to just stop at me, that this person wasn't just bad to me, they were bad in general.
And after me, they would continue hurting other people.
For example, when I dated a serial cheater.
When I was dating him, I was made out to be crazy and unstable, like I had no reason to be as upset or as angry as I was.
I had no reason to accuse him of the things that I accused him of and that I was just a lunatic.
And that was why he acted the way he did, which led others to excusing his bad behavior because I deserved it.
I remember thinking, I can't wait until he comes across the wrong person.
He does the wrong person dirty and things just blow up in his face and he gets everything that he deserves coming to him.
I can't wait until people finally see him for who he is.
And you know, that day finally came where other girls were coming to me and sharing their stories with him.
And I no longer looked or felt crazy.
Recently actually, I went bowling with Josh, my friend, her boyfriend and that ex was working there.
And this is the first time that I'd seen him since then probably 2016, and I can't lie.
It did feel good to know that this guy who preyed on me as a freshman in high school, who tried to make me feel so small and so worthless, who tried to make me feel like I could not and would never do better than him, is now working at a bowling alley, completely bald.
He's bald, he's bald and he's forging people to have hair.
So nothing against the bald community, unless you're a serial cheater then yeah, you probably do deserve to lose all your hair, especially when that was one of your only assets.
But it did feel good in the moment.
My friend and I got a good chuckle, but that alone isn't enough for me.
Because if I didn't heal, if I didn't choose to let go of him in that relationship, if I didn't choose to dedicate time to work on me, if I didn't work through all the BS that guy put me through, I would still be just as sad and as angry as I was when it happened.
This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and I think one of the hardest things to admit is when something's still affecting you long after it happened.
Whether it's betrayal bullying heartbreak, anxiety or just feeling stuck in your own head, it can feel really isolating, like You're supposed to figure it out alone.
And honestly, for a long time I thought healing meant getting closure or an apology from people who hurt me.
But what actually helped me was talking through those feelings with someone unbiased, someone who could help me process everything instead of just sitting with it.
That way I could become a happier, healthier version of me.
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Seeing them be worse off without you is a little treat.
But the real big treat, the real big dessert, is becoming someone that they no longer know, becoming someone who you truly love and respect, and you becoming everything they said you couldn't.
You being able to give yourself everything that they couldn't.
That that is the real revenge right before.
I got into middle school.
My parents had a fallout with my next door neighbor's parents, which led me and my next door neighbor, who was a year older than me, no longer being able to hang out or be friends.
And at the time, I'm under the impression that we don't hang up because we're not allowed to.
But to my surprise I go into sixth grade with my very own I hate Ashley fan club made up entirely by said neighbor.
So throughout middle school and high school I was tormented by a bunch of girls who did not like me all, because my neighbor did not like me.
Honorable mentions from this group of girls.
My freshman year, one of them pushed me or shoved me into a locker and called me some very sweet names.
My senior year, two of them wished that I died in a car accident, And then one of those same girls tried to push me down the stairs.
So it's safe to say they did not like me.
And now I joke about it and I'm like, you know, it added to my character, whatever.
But at the time, I really struggled with the fact that that was happening and no one seemed to care.
They were still the popular girls at my school.
People who I thought were my friends wanted to hang out with them, despite their hatred for me.
And it just it seemed like no matter how badly they made me feel or as vocal as I was about the bullying, it just didn't matter.
And this was happening in person and online.
They would comment mean things online under my photos.
They would come at me and things under anyone who posts me and it just sucked.
When you're at that age, you're not typically thinking long term.
You're just thinking about right now, how things are in this very moment, how I feel at this time and place, and I was angry.
I wanted revenge.
I wanted them to get their bad karma because they went years without any and maybe they did.
Maybe they got their karma privately and I know nothing.
But when I got out of high school, it was very clear to me that no amount of karma could make up for how they made me feel.
It took me quite some time after high school to come to terms with how could anyone commit to trying to make someone feel so small?
People say and do stupid things, especially when they're young.
I know I did.
But to harass someone from 6th grade to 12th grade is devious.
Like they were committed to the bit.
And looking back at all of that now, I have learned so much from those experiences.
I have learned the type of person that I don't want to be.
I've learned what unresolved pain can do to someone.
I mean, I don't know those girls or what they've been through, but I imagine you have to be really angry or really hurt, or you have to really hate yourself to treat someone that way.
I've also learned that the way others view you is not an accurate representation of who you are.
Just because someone doesn't like you or they don't value you, it doesn't mean your value decreases.
Through those experiences, and obviously others, I have built such a strong and healthy mindset for myself.
I have much thicker skin.
I know how to stand up for myself, and I know when to give people my time and when to take my time away.
It's odd to say that someone who caused you so much pain contributed to your growth, but growth typically comes from those very uncomfortable and difficult situations.
With that being said, Just because you were able to grow from it and overcome a traumatic situation and come out the other side a braver and stronger and happier version of you doesn't mean that you deserved it.
I didn't deserve what my ex did or what other guys have done.
I didn't deserve what my friends did or what those girls from high school did to me.
I didn't deserve the bad that was done to me, but I am able to acknowledge that without it I wouldn't be who I am or where I am today.
I did not deserve the cards I was dealt, but I did something really great with them.
And for that, I'm grateful.
I'm grateful for the growth that I got to experience due to very unfortunate situations I had to deal with and I had to pull myself out of.
If you're in a similar situation to the experiences that I had, whether you're as young as I was, or you're my age now or you're older I want you to understand that the way others treat you is not a reflection of your worth.
It's not a part of your identity and you don't deserve it.
You also don't deserve to spend so much of your time and attention waiting for others to condemn their bad behavior or waiting for that person to be given the same energy that they gave to you.
You don't need revenge, to be reminded that you didn't deserve what happened to you, or to be reminded that you are a good person.
I know for a lot of us we do need that validation and closure, because when you're in the thick of mistreatment you start to question whether you do deserve to be treated poorly, because it's like, If I didn't deserve this, why would they be treating me this way?
Why would they hate me so much?
I must deserve to be talked to this way.
I must deserve for them to act this way towards me.
But the reality is people hate themselves.
People hate their lives and they want you to hate yours too.
But you don't have to.
Just because they're miserable doesn't mean that you have to be miserable too.
You are so much better than the way they treat you and the person that they are.
The only thing that's better than proving their character is proving your own by becoming a person you actually like, regardless if they like you or if others like you.
I think that's the part that took me the longest to understand.
For the longest time I thought the only way I'd feel better was if they finally felt what they put me through, or I thought healing would look like them apologizing or them getting their karma removed.
But healing actually looked like realizing that I don't need revenge because I like who I am.
When someone treats you so incredibly bad that it makes you question your self-worth, You think the only way to feel valuable or whole again is if they recognize your value.
If they say, I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that because they were the one to take it away from you.
I've told this story before, but there was this one time and I actually think the last time I had seen my ex besides recently at the bowling alley that he had come up to me at the bar and he tried to apologize.
And I dreamt of that moment for so long, of him taking accountability for everything he had done to me, the trauma that he had put me through.
But when the time finally came and he tried to apologize, it felt so icky.
It wasn't even something that I wanted anymore.
I had grown so much.
From being away from him that when he was apologizing to me, it felt like he wasn't apologizing to me.
I felt so detached from that part of my life where I didn't need him or want him to say sorry or try to make things right.
I had moved on and the person that I was in that moment was someone who wouldn't entertain that conversation.
So I didn't.
Being able to turn away from him and not give him the satisfaction of having a conversation with me was so much better than anything I could have done to him previously to make him feel bad for what he had done to me.
Not caring anymore and moving on with my life and becoming a person I actually like and respect is so much better than any revenge I could have taken against him.
That goes for any conflict in my life.
Other exes, friendship fallouts, online smear campaigns.
In the moment it feels really hard to navigate and it sometimes feels like the only way out is to fight fire with fire.
But I've learned that every conflict brings me closer to a resolution with myself.
An ex cheated on me?
Yeah, it sucked.
But it taught me to never rely on someone else to define my worth.
It taught me to never settle and to not be with someone who wouldn't be afraid to jeopardize losing me.
My friends are treating me poorly and they're leaving me out of plans.
Yeah, that hurt and I didn't want to be excluded, but it taught me to not tolerate that kind of behavior.
I'm no longer going to entertain friendships that make me feel more lonely than I would feel if I was alone.
I don't need revenge, because every inconvenience, every mistreatment, every conflict teaches me something and helps me grow as a person.
I know I reference a lot of past situations throughout my show as a way to give context when talking about certain topics like this one, but emotionally
I am no longer attached to these people or the things that have gone down between us.
I have moved on.
But I can acknowledge that I move through life differently now because of the things that have happened.
Because of these situations or because of the way certain people have treated me, I handle conflict differently now.
I don't just give in to keep the peace or make people feel more comfortable.
I say no without feeling guilty about it.
I pay attention to red flags instead of trying to explain them away or sugarcoat them.
I'm honest with myself now, even when, or especially when, it's uncomfortable.
I know what I need in friendships and in relationships, and I know what I don't want, and I'm not afraid to walk away from anything That doesn't align with that anymore.
And this version of me, this growth, this self-awareness, only came from going through what I went through.
So now I don't need an apology.
I don't need closure.
I don't need them to understand me or validate me or feel bad for what they did.
I don't need other people to see the harm that was done to me or condemn their behavior.
I don't need to prove anything to them or to anyone.
And I don't need karma to come back around and to get them.
And being able to say that, being able to say firmly that I don't need to stoop down to your level or play your game or bend over backwards to prove a point is everything that is so powerful and something that no one can take away from you, no matter how hard they try to.
So I hope that you get to a place where you realize that too, and And you realize that your piece is more powerful than their actions ever were.
And that you don't need an apology or closure or anything from the people who have hurt you to move forward and become someone you're proud of.
You can still be hurt and point out things that people did to you that were messed up, while also evolving from them.
Being hurt and growth can exist at the same time.
They almost always do.
Just because you're evolving, you're healing, you're growing doesn't mean everything that happened to you suddenly stops mattering.
It doesn't mean it didn't hurt or that it didn't entirely rewire your brain.
Referencing those points doesn't mean that you can't move on.
Or you're so obsessed with them or you're holding a grudge.
Those moments and those people quite literally shaped you into who you are now.
They don't get to drop a bomb on you and then expect you to not acknowledge it or do something about it.
You're allowed to acknowledge the things that have shaped you into who you are now.
Healing isn't about pretending that it didn't happen.
It's not about minimizing it or brushing it off like it didn't affect you.
It's about acknowledging it fully and being honest with yourself about how much it did actually hurt, and then choosing to not let that pain or those people control your life.
You take what happened.
You grow from it.
You become stronger.
You become more aware.
You become more aligned with who you actually want to be.
And you don't worry about what that person who hurt you is doing.
The best revenge isn't getting even.
It's becoming someone who isn't checking to see if they got their karma.
Someone who isn't waiting for that apology.
Someone who genuinely does not care what happens to that person because you're too focused on yourself, on your growth and on your own goddamn life.
So I hope that you're able to move on from what has happened to you and give yourself grace without needing or seeking revenge.
The best revenge is completely focusing on you, your life, and taking care of you.
And that is where I'm going to end today's episode.
I hope you enjoyed it.
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That is everything for today.
I hope you have a good rest of your day or night and thank you so much for clicking on this episode and hanging out with me today.
I will talk to you next Monday.
Bye.
