It is early spring, and that means I temporarily live in a ghost town.
As we wait for tourist season to ramp up again in the summer, everything is quiet.
During this time, working at my bookstore may seem like a very boring job.
But I'll tell you a secret.
I absolutely love to be bored.
It gives my mind so much space to reflect, to imagine and, at times like today, think about how, with each passing year, I have less ambition to do something with my life and a greater desire to simply live it.
So, From childhood, through school and university, I ate up the message that what we do for work and how much we can externally measure success reflects something significant about who we are.
Maybe it does, but I think perhaps the most significant part of who we are isn't something anyone but us can know.
It's not even something anyone else can see.
It's just there, under the layers of all your external goals and comparison and competition and expectations, waiting to bloom.
Waiting for the right time.
Waiting for you.
So, When I was a child, I was always asked what was I going to be when I grew up.
In college, I was asked what I was going to do with my degree.
As a business owner, I was asked how I was going to grow my shoestring operation into a full-blown company.
I was asked how I was going to change the world.
So the truth is, I'm now a grown adult.
I don't know what I want to be.
I'm not really using my degree, not directly at least.
And I don't want to expand my business.
I don't think that I need to change the world.
I just need to change.
To grow.
To be kind.
Maybe that's enough.
I just enjoy being right now doing my best and seeing where things go, not relying on a specific outcome to make my time spent here feel worthwhile.
All the things I thought would make me happy have not, and quite a few of the things that initially didn't taught me everything I needed to learn to be content.
That journey brought me here, to the middle of nowhere, living quietly in a rural town, filming the natural landscape, hoping it will mean something to others.
Maybe my ambition is to think about things, to be happy with less, to let go a bit more, to be content with imperfection.
Maybe that makes me seem like I'm lacking drive or motivation but I'm not tired anymore.
So maybe that's a sign that we're not all meant to have big ambitions.
The life journey is extraordinary and hard and beautiful, no matter what, and I just want to be here for it.
Maybe you'll take a moment today to just be, too.
If you remember my last house tour video, you will know that we still haven't unpacked things for the top floor of our house.
It's been a work in progress for a long time.
We don't really have room for a nursery, but we're trying to decorate a little corner for a crib.
I finally hung up curtains and put out a couple of decorations I've had in a box for years and finally unpacked.
When I said I'm not tired anymore earlier, I meant that while my physical body still gets tired, especially now in my current state, my soul isn't heavy anymore, if that makes any sense.
It was as if I was carrying this unconscious burden of expectation and self-inflicted pressure for years that I was never aware of until I began to let go.
I almost thought being tired all the time was part of my identity, and I'm happy now to know that my relationship with my mind and body is an intertwined being that requires a holistic and gentle approach, and gave back generously when I was ready to work towards feeling more free, more at peace, more like me again.
Hello everyone.
This was a bit of a shorter video.
I'm in that final stage of pregnancy where i have to go to more doctor's appointments and it is about a four hour round trip to go to them and it cuts out a whole day at least, if not more, and so that's been definitely an adjustment to trying to balance that with everything else.
So I am doing what I can, and I do have some big craft projects planned for the next couple weeks, so I am looking forward to sharing those with you soon.
Last time I was at the hospital, my mother encouraged me to find some maternity items that actually fit me and some that I could use for post delivery as well, and so I found a few things that were very comfortable.
And it was a really strange experience to finally go to a shopping mall, and that was really weird and we don't have anything like that over here.
So going to a place where i could actually go shopping for clothes was really really interesting and uh yeah, it was um a lot to look into the mirror in the fitting room and see a body that is completely different from the one i used to have, and um, in a very good way as well.
I think it's a wonderful testament to myself that, reminding myself that throughout the beginning of this channel to now, I have progressed so much in my health as well as obviously, just in my life.
I've gone through and been going through a lot of different stages of life through this channel and I just love that.
I love seeing the evidence that that time and that energy and a bit of the heartache I put into really trying to reflect on my habits and be a healthier person overall, inside and out, has really shown and really taken its course.
That is one thing i see very positive of looking at photos of your past self, because i know it can be hard for some people to do that.
But i also think it's just so wonderful to see how far you've grown and how much you've come.
I just think it's a beautiful thing if we can look at it through that more positive lens.
All those changes in my life and all those improvements in regards to physical health and mental health, being a holistic thing that, in my experience, works together very intimately.
One thing affects the other often, at least for me.
It has been even more of a testament to myself that I have become a happier person the more I've let go of these very strict expectations and these very strict goals of what I need to do with my life.
And I'm not saying that's the answer for everyone.
I don't think having ambitions is a bad thing.
I don't think having very concrete goals and working towards them tirelessly is a bad thing.
I think all of that's positive.
I just wanted to share a little bit of my own journey of realizing that I was holding on to these certain ideas for so long.
For example, I needed to be a very successful writer or run an extremely successful business.
I know in university I cared so much about being a very successful academic.
And I think sometimes we can do that in our own lives in a different way.
The moment we have a body that looks a very specific way.
Then we'll feel like we are allowed to be happy or our lives will align just perfectly.
Then, then we can be at peace and then we can be happy.
And obviously there are very healthy ways to have ambitions where It doesn't mean that you're going to be happy once you achieve these goals.
But for me, a lot of the goals I had were about that.
It was this sense of I'm allowed to value myself, I'm allowed to love myself and I'm allowed to be proud of myself only if I achieve these certain things.
I'm so glad I have let go of that, because if there's one thing this experience of making videos has taught me, is that All the most important things I've done in regards to valuing myself more and being more content and peaceful overall had very little to do with actually achieving certain specific external goals.
It was really just about learning to embrace myself and my life, where I'm at and work towards dreams, but know that what actually is happening, the life that is actually being lived, is being lived right now and I can't 100 guarantee I'm going to have that in the future.
I can plan for the future very carefully and I can make good choices and all that and all that's wonderful and quite virtuous to do, for sure, but it's making sure to balance that and make sure I'm not living in the future mentally.
Last but not least, I wanted to say a huge thank you to anyone who has sent me an item for our baby or sent me a letter in the mail or sent me anything at all.
I wanted to let you know that I appreciate it so very much and that I also wanted to apologize greatly if I'm not able to get back to you and write you a physical letter.
I try so hard to get back to people, but I've found it to be really difficult finding that time, especially in this stage of life, right now.
And so I just wanted you all to know that if you have sent me something, just know I have read it, I've cherished it and I really appreciate it.
And I'm just sorry if I'm not able to get back to you.
I am trying, but it's not always possible for me.
And thanks to so many people, including also some friends and family, we are so over prepared for our baby now and it's just been this huge onslaught of love and support and baby blankets and all sorts of things.
So we're so ready and I really appreciate that and thank you to all in every way.
Thank you.
I wanted to let you know that I'm also doing a series of videos on Patreon, as well as with live streams, talking about different aspects of simple and slow living.
It's called the Foundations of Simple Living series and it's been really, really fun to do.
It's just been discussion topics and it's been a really lovely community over there.
You are welcome to check that out as well if you are interested.
And thank you so much in every way for being here.
And I hope you enjoyed this.
Sending you so, so much love and I will see you soon.
Goodbye.
