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Hello, welcome to, or welcome back to, trying to care and happy october.
I am so freaking excited that it's october.
I love fall so much and this year i'm so in the halloween spirit.
I think it's because this is our first fall in this house, but But I'm just so into it this year.
I mean, I am every year, but this year feels different.
I wanted to start this month off with a QA, so I asked on my Instagram story what you needed advice on and I took a few of your questions.
So that's what we're going to do today.
Just to give a brief overview, if you want to skip around, I know Spotify does automatic chapters in the description, so you can do that, but...
We're going to talk about the art of not caring, how to stop stalking people you used to be involved with, how to stop talking badly about other people, how to stop binge eating, and then how to leave the past behind and focus on the present.
So with all that being said, let's get into today's Q&A.
What would you say is the art of actually not caring?
Before I answer this, I just want to preface it with this, just in case you've never listened to this podcast before.
I care so much, I've always cared so deeply.
That's why I started this podcast.
I felt like I cared so much about people and things and I just felt things so deeply and I felt like no one ever understood me and everyone was always telling me that I took things too seriously and I'm I take things too far and I'm so dramatic, I'm so emotional, I'm so sensitive.
So keep that in mind when I'm giving you this, because caring is important.
I don't want you to think that you should just stop caring.
You shouldn't.
It is cool to care.
But what's important is what you care about and what you put your energy into.
Caring about people, caring about the things that are important to you is good.
You should never stop caring about that.
You should never stop expressing yourself.
You should never minimize who you are to make other people feel more comfortable.
But if you find yourself caring what people think about you or caring how you appear to other people, that's a problem, because it starts to affect you and how you live your life.
So the first thing that I think you should do is get to the core of the problem.
What is it that you care about and why do you care?
Do you want certain people to like you?
Do you want to fit in?
Are you trying to prove to yourself that...
You are valuable, that you're important.
Where does this issue of caring too much what people think about you stem from?
Have you always felt this way?
Or was there a moment where you felt embarrassed or you felt rejected, and now you base every interaction off of that?
Once you figure that out, you need to figure out what your priorities are, what actually matters to you.
Do these people that you're trying to impress, or that you find yourself minimizing yourself for, mean something significant to you, or do you just want everyone to like you?
And if the answer is no, then what is it that you do care about?
If you don't care about those people, if you're like, wait a minute, i actually don't care that these people like me, what do you care about them?
Your goal should be to nurture your relationship with the thing or the people that mean most to you.
For example, posting on social media.
If you want a successful career in social media, if you want to grow a following, you can't let anything or anyone get in your way of making it work and turning your dream into a reality.
So if an obstacle of yours is caring what people think and being scared that people are going to make fun of you, you need to let go of the fear of that, because if you feed into it and you pay more attention to them, then your goal, then you know making videos, planning videos, posting videos you're never going to accomplish what you want.
Something that's really helped me is asking myself what matters more pleasing people and having people like me, or getting what I want.
Would I rather have random people like me and not get to pursue my dreams, or pursue my dreams and have people that I don't even care about not like me?
You really got to think what matters more, what deserves more of my energy.
Most of your fears and your anxieties are in your head.
Most people aren't thinking about you and they aren't basing their lives off of you.
They're more worried about themselves and what people think about them.
Take you for example.
You're stressing out about how to stop caring what people think.
Others are doing the same thing too.
They're not sitting there judging you all day.
And if they are, then like they're an asshole and that's not your problem.
The reality is there's going to be people who make fun of you and that judge you.
The art of not caring isn't believing that no one thinks about you.
It's acknowledging that people do think about you, but not allowing it to affect how you think of yourself and how you go about your day.
This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.
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Something that you have to remember is that people who are taking an immense amount of time out of their day to make fun of you or judge you or talk badly about you aren't people that you should even care about.
For example, if you're stressing out about taking a video or taking a photo in public and you're worried that someone's going to make fun of you or that they're going to judge you, there is a chance that someone's going to judge you and make fun of you.
More than likely, there's someone that's going to give you a nasty look.
And you can either internalize that and decide.
You know, I'm not going to take that photo or that video because I'm embarrassed.
Or you can realize that they don't matter.
Because if someone's actually going to be bothered by you doing something like taking a photo, They're not someone who's even on your level, because happy people, successful people, people who are too busy with their own lives don't have the time or the energy to actually care about what you're doing.
And even if they do, even if someone does judge you or they give you a dirty look, it's not going to change the trajectory of your life or theirs.
I promise you that the person who gave you a dirty look on the street is isn't going to be thinking about you for the rest of the day.
It's one single moment and then it's done.
So if you're worried about taking a photo in public and you're embarrassed because some stranger's looking at you, remind yourself they're going to judge you for a second and keep moving with their lives.
You can either worry about that and not take the photo, or or ignore them and take a photo that you get to keep for the rest of your life.
How to stop yourself from stalking people you used to date or be friends with.
I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to check up on people that you used to be involved with.
I don't think that it's a super harmful thing.
I think obviously there is a respect aspect to it.
I'm sure your significant other wouldn't love to know that you're stalking your ex.
I think there is a time and a place for it.
But I don't think...
It's the worst thing in the world.
I think, kind of like I was just talking about with the last question.
You need to get to the core of why you're doing it.
Why do you feel the need to stalk people that you used to date or that you used to be friends with?
Like, are you doing it out of curiosity because you're bored and nosy?
Or are you doing it out of spite, to like prove a point that you're better off without them or that they're worse off without you?
Figuring out the reason why you're stalking them is a solution to breaking that cycle.
In my own experience, I've come to realize that I have no interest in stalking someone or checking in on someone when I've fully detached from them and I don't care about them anymore.
When I'm done, I'm done.
I don't want to see you.
I don't want to know what you're doing.
Whether it's just because i'm done and we've burnt that bridge and there's no going back, or i simply just don't care.
If i don't care about you anymore, if i don't think about you anymore, i'm not thinking oh, let me go check up on their social media.
I just it's not even a thought in my head.
If i find myself thinking, let me go check on someone, let me see what they're up to, that's usually a sign that i care in some type of capacity, or I haven't gotten over the situation entirely and I'm looking for some type of closure.
So if you find yourself stalking your ex-friends or people that you used to date, I would get real with yourself and acknowledge that there is some type of underlying feelings that you have for them.
It might not be romantic.
It might not be that you miss them.
It could be that you're angry.
It could be resent.
Whatever it is, it's not indifference.
You clearly do care enough to check up on them.
And if the relationship or the friendship ended and you want to move on, then you need to move on and you need to stop checking in, because the more that you look at their stuff, the longer you keep yourself attached.
I'm a huge advocate for blocking people and I know that might seem extreme and I know there's conversations online where people are like if you block someone, you're weak and you're giving all the power to them, and if you block me, I win.
I don't agree with that at all.
You can make fun of me all you want with your girlfriends.
You can laugh and say that I care so much about you and oh my god, I'm so in her head that she had to block me.
If you and I are no longer friends, if we have decided that we can't work in each other's lives anymore, I don't want to see you.
I do not want to see you.
If that makes me weak, fine, call me weak.
I would rather look weak than feel weak and have you texting my phone or seeing your content and being reminded by you.
If we're done, we're done.
If we're done...
I'm done.
This episode is sponsored by Graza.
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I think removing access completely is the most efficient way to stop stalking someone.
So, like I said, blocking them, blocking their number, removing their friends and family on social media, pretty much make it impossible for you to contact them or to see them.
Make it so incredibly hard, because once they're out of sight, they're out of mind and you're less likely to want to check up on them if it's not easily accessible.
The less you see them, the less you think about them and the less you'll feel the need to check up on them.
If stalking past people has become a habit of yours and it's a habit that you want to break, I recommend replacing that habit with a new one.
It's really difficult to break a habit if you're just going cold turkey and you have nothing to occupy the gap.
So if you're used to scrolling through their social media at night before bed, replace that habit with playing a game on your phone or reading a book, or filming your night routine, or watching a movie.
Anytime you have the urge to check up on an ex-friend or an ex-lover, Literally do anything other than that.
Like find something else to do.
Or you know what would be more productive?
Instead of looking at your ex-friend's social media, go and look at one of your current friend's social media.
Instead of stalking your ex-friend, maybe text one of your current friends and ask them how they are and what they're doing, and nurture that friendship.
Any tips on avoiding talking about other people?
I don't like to, but I always find myself doing it anyway.
Many people find themselves in this cycle of talking badly about other people and gossiping, because it's an easy conversation starter and it's easy to continue the conversation.
Sometimes people don't know what to talk about with their friends and family because they either don't have anything going on in their lives, so they feel as if they have nothing to bring to the table, or they haven't opened up and been vulnerable So they can't talk openly about what's going on in their life or how they feel.
So they result to talking about things that don't point at them.
It obviously does not feel good to admit that you're talking badly about other people.
It's not a great thing to do.
So it feels icky to admit like oh yeah, I'm kind of being sucky right now, but it's good that you're acknowledging it and you're wanting to stop.
So the first thing that I think you should do is, just like I've said before, is figure out why you're doing it.
What is the core issue?
Try to catch yourself doing it.
In the moment that you catch yourself talking badly about someone, ask yourself Why do I feel the need to speak badly about someone right now?
Why do I feel the need to be in someone else's business?
I've noticed that when I talk badly about other people or I'm gossiping about other people, it's often because I either don't feel good about myself, so I'm taking it out on them.
I'm trying to fill space in a conversation because we've run out of things to talk about and i feel uncomfortable with the silence, or the people that i'm talking to are being negative and they're gossiping, so i feed into it because i either want to be a part of the conversation or i don't want to make them feel uncomfortable by shutting it down.
Another thing that's helped me to stop talking badly about other people is, before going and hanging out with someone, I think about what I want to bring to the table.
What do I want to talk about?
Especially if it's someone I haven't seen in a long time and we're catching up.
I try to think what are things that they don't know about me or what are things that have happened in the past year?
What are things that I can talk about that only involve me or I'm the main person in the situation?
I don't want to talk about gossip.
I don't want to talk about things that I've heard.
I don't want to talk about people.
I just want to talk about things that I've seen and that I've been a part of and that are about me.
What have I done?
What have I been up to?
What am I going through?
Keep the conversation on me, and I try to be intentional about what I want to speak about.
I think about what books I'm reading, what movies I've watched, music I'm listening to, what I'm excited to listen to like, let's say, that I am going to hang out with someone tonight.
I'd be like I'm so excited that the life of a showgirl is coming out, and I talk about Taylor Swift.
Just think about things that you're excited about and that you want to talk about.
Slowing down in conversations or even when you're texting someone can also be very helpful.
Like, before you say something or before you send something, ask yourself if it's something that is kind, if it's something that's going to make you feel bad or make someone else feel bad, and is it something that you would feel ashamed of if the text got out to that person and they found out what you're saying?
Honestly, that's like the one thing that has really helped.
If I'm about to send a nasty text, I just stop myself and I'm like wait a minute.
What if this person sent this text to that person?
Would I?
Would I crash out?
Would it be a bad thing?
Probably would I say this to this person's face, probably not.
So I probably shouldn't say here.
I think if you want to stop talking badly, if you know that it's something that you no longer want to participate in, you clearly know that it doesn't feel good when you do it.
But I think After you speak about someone, whether it's good or bad, make it a goal of yours to bring awareness to how you feel.
When you talk badly about someone, you usually feel pretty uncomfortable and guilty after.
You don't feel good unless you're like a psychopath.
It doesn't feel good to talk shit about other people.
Even if you don't like them, when it finally sets in, it's like, oh, I feel icky.
Why am I spending all this energy on someone that I don't even like?
After you talk badly about someone, take note of that feeling.
Take note of that icky, just gross feeling.
And the more that you're aware of that feeling, the more that you'll do to avoid feeling that way.
Also become aware of how good it feels to talk nicely about other people.
Note how it feels to have productive conversations.
How it feels to talk about things that light you up and that you're excited about.
It's the same exact thing as replacing a habit.
Instead of talking badly, Be intentional about what you're speaking about and do your best to speak kindly about people, and you'll realize how much better it feels and you'll want to feel that way more.
What's one thing that actually helps stop binge eating without feeling restricted?
I have personally struggled with binge eating, and a big part of why I've struggled with it is I will crave something, but I'll tell myself that it's bad and I can't have it.
And then I'll go and look for food that's going to fulfill that craving, but it doesn't.
So I end up having a variety of food rather than just eating the one thing that I wanted.
Like I'm looking for healthier options, but I'm eating all of this food.
So it really is counterproductive.
So instead of just eating the one cookie that I wanted, I end up eating goldfish and rice and five hard-boiled eggs, and the list goes on.
Another reason that I would personally binge eat is I would be hungry but I didn't have anything in my kitchen that I felt would get rid of my hunger.
Like my kitchen was empty, I really just had scraps and random snacks and things that have been sitting there for like a week.
There was nothing that i craved, so i would go and try a bunch of different foods that i had in hopes that it would cure my hunger.
For example, i might be craving chicken nuggets and i go in my fridge, in my freezer, and obviously i don't have chicken nuggets.
So then i'm going through my pantry trying to figure out what i can eat And I end up just eating a bunch of random junk food just to get rid of my hunger and my cravings.
And it doesn't because I'm not giving my body the protein that it wants.
So one thing that has actually helped me avoid binge eating is being intentional about my groceries and making sure I actually have food in my kitchen, which I know sounds counterproductive because you're trying to stop binge eating and I'm adding more food into my kitchen.
But I'm less likely to go crazy and devour everything in my kitchen when I'm hungry if I have food that I actually want to eat.
Because a lot of the time when you're binge eating, it's not that you want to eat all of these different foods and you're craving chips and you're craving cookies.
You're literally just looking to find something to satisfy your hunger.
I think learning your body is super important.
Like I know that I crave something sweet after dinner.
It's like clockwork.
As soon as I eat dinner, I'm like, okay, I'm ready for dessert every single night.
And that's just how I am.
And I know that I'd like to have something to snack on when I'm watching a movie, preferably something salty.
And I know the foods that my body usually gravitates more towards.
So instead of telling myself that I can't have a salty snack or have chocolate before bed, I
I'm intentionally going to get myself those foods.
And I'm also going to be intentional about the kind of food I buy and the amount of food I buy.
So if I am consistently wanting Doritos, instead of not buying the Doritos altogether, or instead of buying the party size bag, I'm going to get a smaller size bag.
There's no reason to restrict myself from having what my body wants.
It might not be the healthiest option, but I'm making a healthier decision by buying the smaller size.
And I know, if I don't buy it, if I just say I can't have Doritos, I'm going to go look for something else in my kitchen to eat.
And I'm going to end up eating more of that than I would have if I just bought myself the damn Doritos.
And I found that when I actually buy myself these foods that I want, rather than telling myself I can't have them because they're bad for me, the less I crave them.
Like, if I'm craving a cookie at night, it's better for me to go downstairs and have the cookie than not buy it.
And I'm still craving the cookie.
And now I'm eating everything in my pantry trying to get rid of that craving.
When I have a kitchen full of food, My mindset around food is so much better because I don't have a restrictive mindset.
I'm not thinking, oh my God, I don't have any food.
What am I going to eat?
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I know that I'm hungry and my body's ready.
I can get up and I can go and I can fulfill that.
And it's just a way for me to better myself. my relationship with food and not take anything away.
And then lastly, the last question is how to leave the past behind and focus on the present.
This is definitely something that I find myself struggling with.
I get lost in the past quite often.
The reason we do this is we're looking for answers.
We're looking for closure.
We're looking to validate how we feel now and how we're living now.
I mean everything from our past has led us to who we are now and it's made us who we are now.
One of my bigger issues is when I'm struggling with something in the present moment.
My brain goes searching for reasons why I deserve what's happening to me now.
Or I start searching for reasons why my life is terrible.
And I end up in this victim mentality.
I start thinking about all the bad things that have happened to me.
All of the people that have done me wrong.
All the times I've messed up.
All the times I've hated myself.
And I get stuck fixating on that.
And I fixate on things that have already happened that I can't do anything about.
I can't go back in time and change what has happened to me or what I did.
And the fact that I can't go back and fix that makes me spiral.
And I feel out of control.
Another reason that people tend to get lost in the past is they're unhappy with their current life.
So they're thinking back to times when things were good.
For example, when things are rocky with your boyfriend or girlfriend and they're not treating you good.
You think about when you first started dating and how they were so great to you.
And you're like, oh, he loved me so much.
She was so good to me.
And you try to validate that, the relationship you have with them now, even though it's not good, and you're looking for reasons for you to stay.
You're like oh, things were great then, so things could be great now.
Regardless of the reason why you're looking back to the past, it's important that you acknowledge that the past is the past and you need to focus on the future.
It's not all bad to romanticize the past and be nostalgic, but if you find yourself fixating on it, that's when it becomes an issue.
If you're like me and you're looking back at your past and using it as a way to shame yourself, or if you're looking back at the past and it doesn't feel good and you're not proud of who you were, it's important that you remind yourself that the past doesn't define you, and just because your life was one way at one time doesn't mean that it has to be that way now.
Just because you were a certain person at one point doesn't mean that you have to be that way for the rest of your life.
Just because something happened to you or you did something doesn't mean that you're deserving of that now.
Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean that you deserve to live a terrible life and that you should be living in a constant state of guilt or shame.
I don't think that you need to leave the past behind.
I don't think that you need to forget it altogether.
I think that could actually be harder and make it more difficult for you to let go of it if you're trying to erase it completely.
I think acknowledging it and trying to work through it is your best bet.
And as I say again, here I am again.
You should try to figure out what it is that's bothering you.
What do you find yourself thinking about and revisiting?
Is it a good memory?
Is it a bad memory?
And how do you feel when you think about it?
Like I was saying before, when I revisit the past, I feel out of control because it's in the past and you can't do anything about it.
But a way for you to feel more in control is reminding yourself that, although you can't change who you were or what you did, you can now rewrite those mistakes and you can try to be a better person and live the way that you wish you did before.
For example, when I look back at my past, I have so many regrets.
I regret the way that I lost myself before.
For so many people trying to get their approval, trying to get them to like me.
And I minimized myself and I suppressed my passions out of fear of what people thought about me.
I wish I didn't stop posting on YouTube.
I wish I pursued social media more seriously.
There's times I think about that and I feel like I wasted my time and I wasted so many years.
And I think, where would I be if I actually did what I wanted?
But I can't go back and change that.
All I can do is put that energy into me now and my passions now.
I can't go back and force myself to post on youtube and be consistent with it, but now i can force myself to take social media seriously, and that's what i've been doing.
That's why i show up every single monday for this podcast, because i don't want to let my future self down.
I think another thing that can be helpful is being intentional with your time.
We tend to revisit the past and we become nostalgic and we miss what, what we once had when we're not satisfied with our current life.
That's why you find yourself looking back at the beginning of your relationship, when your relationship is up in flames now, when your significant other is no longer giving you the time and energy and love they once did.
Instead of spending all of your time thinking about how life used to be and how much you miss it and how you wish you did things differently, be intentional with your time now and make your life a life that you actually want to live.
Fill your days with things and people that make you happy.
Your favorite hobbies, your favorite people.
Create goals for yourself and actually go after them.
The more satisfied you are with your life now, the less likely you'll be to look back at your past.
One last example is when you get into a really good, healthy relationship with someone.
When you're in that relationship, you're less likely to think about a past bad relationship.
Whereas if you're alone, you might be tempted to think about your ex.
You might end up romanticizing them and missing them, and not because they were good to you, but because you're alone and you're missing that romantic aspect in your life now.
I feel like everything kind of ties in from this episode.
Like, if there's two things to get from this episode, is one figure out what the heck is bothering you.
Get to the core of the problem.
And if you're struggling with something, if you have a bad habit, you can break it with replacing it with a better habit.
You find yourself romanticizing the past, thinking about the past.
You're all bent out of shape because of something that's happened.
Try to spend less of your time doing that and spend more of your time in the present moment, doing things that excite you, that make you feel good and that ground you in the moment now.
That's everything for today's episode.
I hope that you liked it.
I hope that... me answering these questions helped you.
If I didn't answer one of your questions today.
But you really want me to follow me on my Instagrams.
That's usually where I post on my story asking you, hey, if you have any questions, ask me here.
There's also a Google form in the upcoming q and a's if you have any recommendations for topics you want me to talk about.
If there's one specific topic where you're like i need an entire episode on this, that's where you can write a whole essay to me there.
All of that's linked in the show notes.
I hope you enjoyed today's episode.
If you did, make sure to rate it on spotify and apple.
Make sure to share it with your friends.
Share it on instagram and tiktok.
I see every post.
I get really excited whenever you guys tag me in something.
But that's everything for today.
Like I said, I hope you loved it.
And I love you.
And I will talk to you next Monday.
All right.
Love you.
Bye.
