These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well -being.
Thanks for joining me for an episode of the Overwhelmed Brain.
If you haven't heard this show I've been doing it since 2013 the end of 2013 and it is now May of 2025, and I don't know if that matters to you or not, but there are some people that have listened to the show for years uh probably waiting for their letter to be read.
I'm so sorry I get a lot of messages, I get a lot of emails and people asking me a lot of questions, and I do try to tackle every single topic but I don't always get to every single message.
In fact there was a message that I received five years ago that I've kept.
I keep them all. I keep every message because the subject matter of the episode will eventually apply to the topic of the message I received and then I can address it.
So if you wrote to me years ago, it's very possible that I am addressing your topic today.
I'm so sorry but I do hope that the eleven years of content that I have put out there thus far has addressed something you're going through and you can find every topic that I've talked about if you go to the overwhelmedbrain .com forward slash podcasts and you'll find a search bar in there and just type a word or two type the word anxiety or depression or self -worth or anything that you're dealing with addiction I'm not saying that I have all the answers to this stuff but I give you my insights and what I've learned over the years.
I've lived with an alcoholic all my childhood an addict.
I was married to someone who was a self -proclaimed addict of sugar and sweets and things like that and I've had my own series of dysfunctions and toxic behaviors.
Almost all my life up until a point I finally learned who I and who I should be.
Who I was was not healthy to my previous partners in my life and who I am today is the healthiest I've ever felt and ever been and I'm still not perfect, but I do try.
I do try hard to show up as the most improved most healed version of myself and when that doesn't shine I try to reflect on what has happened.
So if I get emotionally triggered and I say something stupid or I get upset for some reason and my wife looks at me and is wondering what the hell's going on?
Why are you upset? Or she knows why I'm upset but then and she said this before she'll say something like, well that's your issue you're gonna deal with it.
Yes I do I have to deal with it because this something I say to myself, if I have a problem with her, it's my problem, not hers.
I teach that in my healed being program.
Because of my own toxic behaviors over the years and my subsequent healing from all those behaviors and all the the toxicity that I was putting into my relationships, I created a program called healed being at healedbeing .com in case you need it.
If you are hurtful person to someone you care about or they say that you're a hurtful person then that program helps you change helps you heal helps you change helps you address your emotional triggers on and on and on and I spent about a year and a half creating that program from everything I've learned from all my training from my education from my own experience of being that toxic person so have that perspective, I have that origin story of that's the person I was.
It's like a... I'm not proud of it.
I'm just saying it's like a bank robber who decides to go straight, you know, they do their time they do they get their punishment and after they get out they decide to train people, train people who to be bank robbers, to not be bank robbers to not seek that career choice, that particular criminal activity.
So again if that's something that you need or someone that you know needs that's over at healedbeing .com and the only reason I brought that up I don't normally do an infomercial in the middle of my podcast episode but the only reason I brought that up is because there were behaviors that I used to do that were definitely unacceptable, definitely hurtful, definitely emotionally abusive and as I started learning that about myself I started doing something else that prolonged it so my last marriage many years ago my wife was always hurt because I was judgmental.
I was very critical of her behaviors and like I said she had a self -admitted sugar addiction so I was highly judgmental of addicted people because I grew up with an addict an alcohol addict and so I had this judgment going in.
It was an unfair judgment because that was her challenge to deal with and she should have gotten my support.
She should gotten my love regardless of the challenge that she was facing and because of the challenge she was facing instead I made her challenge my challenge which was a different um a different approach to it her approach was hey I'm dealing with this my approach was hey stop doing that stop doing that behavior because it bothers me again I'm not proud to tell you this it's rather shameful to share that I've hurt somebody I loved.
But I think it's important that you know where I'm coming from because it allows you to make your own thoughts and your own judgments.
Because if I have a problem with your judgments, that's my problem.
Just like if you have a problem with my judgments, that's kind of your problem too.
So that's how I see our problems in life with other people if we have a problem with something they're doing if we make their problem our problem meaning we are triggered by it and we are going to let them know that we are triggered by it and we don't want them to do it anymore so we might try to control or change them then it starts to affect the relationship as a whole and they will start to feel less loved and connected with you, they will start to feel less loving toward you.
They will feel like as if they aren't being accepted exactly as they are.
And that's what I learned is that in order to be in a any type of relationship, I think one of the most important components of that relationship is acceptance.
And that means looking at someone right there, right in front of you or right over there and saying, you know, I may not agree with everything they say, everything they do.
I may not agree with a lot of stuff.
Or maybe I agree with a lot of stuff and I disagree with one or two things but those one or two things really bother me, but I still accept them as they are who they are in the decisions they make even if I disagree with them.
It's very similar to how I define love.
I define love as supporting someone else's happiness and sometimes their happiness, their decisions that make them happy aren't necessarily ours.
We may not agree with the decisions they make to make themselves happy.
I'm not gonna rehash this.
I just talked about this a few episodes ago.
About, you know, valuing your partners or other people in your life.
Valuing their ability, their choice to make decisions for themselves and not necessarily being agreement with them, but loving them means caring about them and showing them that they are important to you regardless of the decisions they make.
And that's sort of where I went on a previous episode just recently.
And again, I don't want to rehash that in case you're listening in order, but again my point of bringing all this stuff up is that as I started healing I was starting to do something that acted as a delay tactic, and a placater at the time.
So my wife, she would be upset, my previous marriage, she would be upset that I would be critical and judgmental and she had every right to be.
But she would also be sad and get these days where she felt depressed and she lost her passion for life.
I blame me for that, absolutely.
I take 100 % of responsibility.
I think she's in a much better relationship today, thankfully.
But I look back and I recall who I was back then.
I was a completely different person.
I don't know myself anymore the way I used to be, and if I ran into that guy today, I would give him a piece of my mind because what he was doing and how he was behaving to the people that he claimed to care about, or the person in particular he claimed to care about, he claimed to love was totally unacceptable.
So, I would give him a piece of my mind and I have. I have talked to myself.
I have scolded myself.
I have said things, you know, after I started healing.
Like what the hell was I thinking?
What was I doing? And I would talk to myself.
I would find out what I was thinking and I did a lot of self -reflection and I think that's absolutely necessary if you come from a background where you were hurtful to people.
Self -reflection is vital to figure out why you acted this way.
Why did you do those things?
What caused that? What started that?
What was underneath that?
All these questions.
So coming back to what I was saying, I started doing something that in hindsight, I understand now why I did it.
It was a delay tactic.
It was a a way to placate the person I was with my wife at the time because this is in my last marriage This is what I actually started understanding my own manipulation and control and terrible behaviors realizing I needed to change and The the behavior I was doing was I guess I'll call it.
I'm working on it. I'm working on it That's what I kept saying.
I'm working on it. I know I have this problem and I'm working on it I know I have this issue I know I'm judgmental and I'm working on it.
I would say literally those words, I'm working on it.
You're right, I'm working on it.
And I would apologize, I'm so sorry I did that.
I'm so sorry I was, I forget the words I use, I'm so sorry I was so harsh toward you.
And I told her, I'm working on it.
And I said that so often, that it completely lost its effectiveness.
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I'm sharing that with you because this can happen in your relationship, in any relationship that you're in.
Even in work scenarios, friendships, where somebody just delays.
Oh yeah, I'm gonna do that.
Oh yeah, I'm gonna pay you back.
Oh yeah, I'm gonna pay you back next week.
Okay. Next week comes.
They haven't paid you back.
How about, yes, I will quit drinking.
I am going to quit drinking.
I promise you. I promise you I'll never hurt you again.
These are the things that we hear from maybe certain people in your life.
I know I've heard it in my life or I've been the one to say it.
I have said these things myself and I'm talking about this today because it's important that you understand that when people say it once and they don't follow through and then they say it a second time and they don't follow through you have to expect...
I mean sometimes you can give them a third time, but let's just say they went a third time and they didn't follow through.
You have to expect that they're not going to through.
Ever. You kind of have to check that box in your brain.
You tried once hey where's my money?
You tried twice hey I'm still waiting for my money.
You tried three times hey where's my money?
An excuse after excuse, after delay tactic, after placating, over and over again.
You never see it. And not only do you see this pattern, but if you are the one that is always either complaining or asking for somebody to do something or change something, if you are the one pursuing it and they are the ones consistently coming up with probably legitimately sounding excuses and reasons you will never...
I'm gonna say this, I might be but you will never ever see change why do I say that because it's a tactic it's a tactic by manipulative people to make sure that they get away with what they want no accountability no responsibility and get what they want regardless of how you feel about it this doesn't mean that everyone who does this is manipulative some people actually do mean it when they say they're working on it and some people actually mean it when they say I want to stop for example like an addict I want to stop I definitely want to stop.
And they mean it when they're not inebriated or high or whatever when they're not under the influence of something and they can sense the hurt in others and they can see the loss in their own life the damage and destruction they may have caused.
They may really want to stop.
I've seen this play out.
I really mean it. And then, when a challenge comes along and they don't know how to cope with that challenge, they don't know how to deal with it, they end up going back to their habit, their vice, their addiction, and dealing with it that way.
When you don't deal with your coping mechanism, your coping mechanism will take over and deal with it for you.
And if you aren't dealing with the challenges that come along because you don't know how to cope with them, or your only coping strategy is something that might be harmful to you and or others, then you may end up on a downward spiral that pushes away friends and family and loved ones because you just won't follow through with what you're doing.
And again this may not be for you, maybe somebody that you know in your life, or maybe it's happened to you where they say I'm working on it I'm gonna do it I promise and like I said it's not always manipulative people sometimes they mean it so I'm not trying to pick on people that have a truly difficult thing to stop or get over or heal but I do want to highlight that there are people that aren't necessarily addicted to something but they'll still do those delay tactics I just want you to be aware of them and also be aware of your own behaviors and this is the direction of going with this episode
is that be very aware of how you respond to someone's delay tactics, because you don't want to continue the cycle, you don't want to enable the cycle, you don't want to allow something like this to continue.
I personally believe in a two or three strike rule, depends on the circumstances.
Meaning they say it once, Okay, you know, they have their excuse, I'm working on it, I'm gonna stop I'm gonna quit whatever it is.
They say it once you give them you give them that one time that's great.
They say it twice and now your little orange flag comes up because if they're not following through after the first time and they say the same thing or something similar to delay again the second time then what you should do in my opinion is be ready for the third time to be just the same type of delay.
The third time is my three strikes you're out.
This doesn't mean I point my finger at them and say, hey you're a bad person.
It just means I accept that they they will never ever follow through.
That frees me from expectation.
It doesn't free them from the responsibility like if they have a responsibility to pay me back or something I might have to follow through in a different way but I'm not going to pursue it the same way I been pursuing it.
So if I've been asking hey where's my money and they say oh yeah I'm gonna get it get it back to you when I pay my taxes.
Okay then the taxes come back and you ask hey where's my money oh I didn't get as much as I needed that I had to this bill to pay I promised next time my next paycheck okay so there's there's the third you know my example here there's the third time I'm gonna see what happens a third time and if they make another excuse now I know where I stand with them now I know that I am not important enough I mean all their excuses all their reasons could be legitimate but there's a point where I'm to let myself off the hook of expectation.
And I think that's healthy to say, okay now I know that that person in this example is never going to pay me back.
I know that for a fact.
So I'm either going to have to pursue this legally.
I may not want to do that, but let's just say that's what came to mind.
Or just drop them from my life because they're dishonoring me.
They're disrespecting to me and I don't want somebody like that in my life so basically write them off.
Or just give them an ultimatum or maybe this is an and and I'll give them the ultimatum of now or never now you owe me now we're going to the bank together I'm going to watch you withdraw the money and you're going to hand it to me would you like to get your coat let's get this done let's do it that might be next step and if I can tell it's not gonna happen, then I just need to come to a point of acceptance.
And this is again a step to free yourself.
You free yourself by saying okay now I know that they'll never do what they said they're gonna do.
They'll never follow through.
I have to accept that.
And now that I know that and I know that's not gonna happen, what am I gonna do with my life from this point forward. So what you're doing is taking back responsibility for your life, not delaying your own life anymore, not keeping these thoughts in your head of I hope I get my money back, I hope they quit drinking, I hope this, I hope that.
You're moving forward from this event.
This is sort of like accepting a death in a way, like the death of somebody that made you a promise and let's just say that they promised and promised and then they died.
Whoa that's Wow what do you do with that?
They promised you but now you have this other thing to think about.
They died and I guess owing me money is not as important but man I could use that money but they died.
Oh that's just sad and so you have to reconcile those thoughts and feelings and just get past that but this very similar to what I'm talking about.
In order to get past somebody promising something or saying they're gonna do something you have to get to the point where you accept that they can't or won't.
And when somebody dies they can't follow through anymore.
They're gone. That's kind of a morbid thought but that's where I go sometimes.
I was like okay if this person died tomorrow they won't owe me any more money because they can't pay it back.
So if I were to accept that as a fact what would I do with my life then?
Same in relationships.
Let's just say that you're in a relationship with somebody who promised they'll change or promise they'll stop doing something and once twice three times ten times a thousand times it's no longer effective they can say I promise I'll change a billion times and it won't matter because it's just talk.
So what are you going to do now that you know for a fact because this is the philosophy I believe you have adopt.
Now that you know for a fact that they will never ever follow through.
And that's why I equate it to death.
Like if they died—sorry to put that in your head—but if they died you know they're not going to follow through now.
So now what do you do with your life?
That's when you take responsibility for your own life and you're no longer waiting for someone else to dictate what you're going to do with your life next.
And I think that's a much healthier place to be yes somebody might owe you a lot of money yes somebody might be hurtful to you and maybe they're promising to stop but if they don't what are you gonna do then?
and you do have to come to an acceptance of them.
I mean this is what happens in a lot of relationships I see this is that someone is hoping and wishing and praying that the other person will follow through or stop something and they hope and wish or pray that it will stop or they'll follow through and it never happens and then they believe the delay tactic.
They believe the excuse for reason the other person gives and the subject of discussion that is never followed through on that has never stopped that is never fully addressed so that both people can move on it continues to fester and infect the relationship until there's resentment until there's a lot love loss until there's a lot of pain and I don't like when there's a lot of pain in a relation.
I don't like any pain in a relationship, so I think it's important to at least set yourself up some sort of ex strike a rule three strikes four strikes ten strikes whatever it is, or if they've promised a hundred times to follow through on something and they haven't, just tell yourself, okay I'll give them two more times and then I have to figure out what I need to do for myself.
I have to move forward as if that's never gonna happen.
And if you write to me and say, well Paul what if it does?
You may have heard me say this before, if it happens that's a cherry on the top of the dessert.
That is the bonus that you get for deciding what you're going to do your own life.
And what I mean by that is, okay, let's just say that you decide to do something for yourself.
Let's just say it's leaving.
Like I'm gonna leave this person or I'm going to separate from this person.
I don't want to talk to them anymore.
That might be the impetus for their change.
If they really do change because of the decision that you made for yourself great you can have a conversation you can talk about it you can ask them okay is this for real and if they say absolutely I don't want to lose you in my life then great you can move forward from there because sometimes that's what it takes sometimes you have to do things for yourself so other people finally get it that what they're doing is not conducive to a happy healthy relationship with that person.
Just some of my thoughts today.
That was based on an email that I received five years ago and I do eventually get around to them.
There's a lot of them that I read fairly quickly but others I can't always get to.
I want to thank that person for writing many years ago they probably don't listen anymore but I'm so glad that they shared that with me so I could share this with you.
Thanks for listening to another episode of the Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to thank the patrons who give to this show every month.
I am so grateful for their support, for their generosity, for their financial support of the show and that's just above and beyond.
I'm floored every time.
So thank you patrons.
Thanks for supporting the show.
And if you find value in the show, like these patrons do, and you want to give back, head over to moreTOB .com and there are options to do that over there.
And for a podcast on how to navigate the difficult relationship, I talk about that here, but we get into the weeds over at loveandabuse .com where we talk about control and manipulation and emotionally abusive behaviors that you may not even know are happening in your relationship.
That's over at loveandabuse .com and if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship I talked about it at the very beginning of this episode is called Healed Being over at healedbeing .com and that is a program that I run to help you stop doing behaviors that you know causing distance between you and the people you love.
If you know you're the difficult one and you want to heal and change that head over to healedbeing .com And with that always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
And be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you.
You are amazing! you
