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Hello, my friend, and welcome to another exciting episode of Negotiate Anything.
Thanks for joining us today.
With over 10 million downloads and listeners from more than 180 different countries.
It's dedicated listeners just like you who have made Negotiate Anything the number one negotiation podcast in the world.
I'm your host, Kwame Christian.
I'm a business lawyer, mediator, author, and the proud CEO of the American Negotiation Institute.
Now, before we get into today's insightful conversation, I have a golden opportunity for those of you who recognize the power of negotiation in your professional lives.
Have you ever found yourself wishing that you can navigate those high stakes conversations with more confidence?
Or perhaps you're looking to empower your team with the art of persuasion and conflict resolution.
At the American Negotiation Institute.
We've crafted specialized keynotes and workshops tailored for those very needs.
We've transformed the negotiation skills of professionals worldwide, and we're eager to do the same for you.
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And now, without further ado, let's jump into the interview.
Chelsea, thanks for joining us today.
Thanks for having me.
Yeah, it's our pleasure.
So how about you get started by telling us a little bit about yourself and what you do, sure?
So my name is chelsea elliott.
I am a macro social worker, so i am not a clinical licensed social worker, but i have a social work degree and i created resources and tools for adults and children to increase their emotional intelligence, so understanding their self-awareness, their self-regulation and self-management skills, how to identify emotions in other people and manage the relationships that they have, which leads to better decision-making.
So that is my focus in life and everything that I do.
This is great.
And listen, my humble friend, please shout out your books. oh okay so my first book is called natalie the monster slayer and it focuses on the emotions around fear and it's about my daughter natalie getting through a situation that's really scary it's really hard hearing noises in the house and she's um going through 14 different emotions talking about how it physically feels to feel those emotions and working through her fear to find bravery within that fear And so she teaches kids different mantras like I can do it.
I can do it.
I am brave and strong to get through that fear to find bravery.
And then my second book is about anger and losing.
So it's called Natalie's Not So Fun Playdate, because if you have any kids, you know that when they lose a game to their friend, they're not very happy about it.
So that one's about her losing her favorite game, tic-tac-toe.
And so you know, just finding different ways to manage how she's feeling and manage that anger that she feels.
So it has a lot of very interactive self-regulation strategies.
There are 13 emotions in that book and talks about how she physically feels so that kids can identify what those feelings look like and feel like in themselves.
Oh, this is great.
Yes, everybody.
So there will be links in the description for Chelsea's business and those books.
So make sure to check that out.
And lastly, also you're doing a fundraiser.
Tell us about that one.
Yeah.
So my company, Somocom Lab, which stands for Social Emotional Communication Lab, created the EQ Kids Crew, and it's a card game that again teaches kids about their emotions, different activities and fun ways for them to learn and really have a deeper understanding of them, and some self-regulation strategies along with that.
So I created comfort kits that include a journal and a special bag for kids.
And so, after hearing about the Buffalo shooting, and then, like 10 days later, there was the Uvalde school shooting.
I wanted to do something special for those kids because I know that the trauma that they have experienced is going to stick with them for a long time.
And we've had a lot of mass shootings since those, and you know, when we turn the tv off and the news is off, we can kind of decompress and get it out of our system.
But those families are still living with that, and so i want to give them the comfort kits to help identify what those feelings look like, because a lot of those kids aren't going to have the words for the grief and the fear that they feel and different strategies that they can use to comfort themselves and and work through what they're feeling.
Um, So that's what I'm doing.
I want to donate 600 of those comfort kits, 500 to Uvalde and 100 to Buffalo.
This is great.
Well, kudos.
This is really important work.
And listeners, you will probably not be surprised that in this episode, we're focusing on emotional intelligence.
And, of course, specifically emotional intelligence, as it relates to regulating your own emotions, working to manage the emotions of other people and having difficult conversations.
So let's just start off with an operational definition here.
When you think about emotional intelligence and all that entails, what does that mean to you?
There are two sections to emotional intelligence.
The I and the we.
Understanding yourself as a full person and the emotions that you feel, recognizing them what they look like, what they feel like, what they sound like.
Understanding yourself, being able to identify them, and then being able to manage them.
When you get upset, what's the very first thing you do?
If you are afraid in a negotiating situation, What is a way that you help to calm yourself down or help to encourage yourself to keep going?
And then the we is focused on other people.
So being able to read the room, in a sense understanding what other people are feeling, what's appropriate at that time, managing the relationship that you have with that person, between that person whether it's somebody that you're just meeting for the first time or somebody that you've known forever, you know but managing that relationship between you two and making sure that it's a successful relationship every time you interact.
So that's the basis of emotional intelligence.
This is great.
Okay.
And now what happens?
If we don't improve our emotional intelligence, your whole life will fall apart.
EQ, the saying is EQ is way more important than IQ.
And I can think of a lot of different situations where that's true.
One that I think a lot of people can relate to and I actually have experience with myself.
If you think of Jim and Dwight from The Office, have you watched The Office before?
Of course, yes.
Okay, that is my show.
I'm to the point where I'm like analyzing their sales strategies now, because I've just been watching it for decades.
So I you know, when you see Jim, he's really friendly, he loves people, he's a great connector, really great relationship builder, but he's not, you know, the best salesman, and that's fine.
When you think of Dwight, he is really good at what he does, but he is horrible with connecting to people and relationships.
So who gets the promotions every time?
Spoiler alert, it's Jim because he's great with relationship building because he has that EQ.
Dwight has more of an IQ in that area.
So It is possible to develop your emotional intelligence skills.
A lot of people think that it's not.
You're not born with perfect emotional intelligence.
So you can build and develop these skills so that you have more successful relationships with people in your life and in your job and in your business and you know, anywhere.
Yeah, this is great.
And I especially love that you brought in an office reference.
Just perfect.
Perfect.
I love that.
And now let's go deeper into this, because I know there are a lot of people out there who are, let's say lawyers, people who are maybe engineers or people in procurement.
So people who are dealing with very technical things, very financially different, like challenging types of negotiations.
And a lot of times they would say things like, I am not good with the emotional side.
So how do I negotiate without emotion?
And I say, well, you can start by like not having a brain because that's where emotions come from.
It's kind of psychologically not possible.
And then with other people too, you can't avoid their emotions.
You have to wrestle with it.
But again, a lot of times people say I am not an emotional type of person and they feel like they need to be an emotional person in order to improve their emotional intelligence.
So I really want to go deeper into some of these myths that hold us back when it comes to improving our emotional intelligence, because I think there are a lot of self-limiting beliefs, especially in the technical world, especially in the negotiation world, that actually can be very detrimental when it comes to our development.
Yeah, the one thing that I love about emotional intelligence is that it looks different for everybody.
So you could see someone who cries in front of people constantly you know well, not constantly, but cries in front of people.
It's comfortable crying in front of people or, you know, loves to just be loud and big and boisterous in front of other people.
And then there are those who are just really quiet and really meek.
And they both can have a very high emotional intelligence.
It's more about understanding yourself and understanding those emotions and how you manage them.
So you don't have to be an emotional and vulnerable person all the time to have emotional intelligence.
It's just having that understanding and that awareness.
And the skills to be able to identify.
So I know I know a lot of IT people who are very like matter of fact and right to the point.
And, you know, you call for technical support and they're like, well, did you do this?
Did you do that?
A lot of times a person that they're working with is stressed.
And if they can provide a little bit of reassurance in that situation, boom, you got them.
You know, you've made them comfortable.
They are more open and prone to doing what you ask them to do.
The negotiation goes better because you've connected on a level that it didn't take you anything outside of who you normally are to say.
OK, I'm here to help.
I'm sorry that this is bothering you.
This is a big issue, isn't it?
Validating those feelings that they're feeling, putting yourself in their shoes to understand how frustrated they could be.
I don't, you know, whatever industry it is, just connecting with people on that level, just a quick validation can help for, you know, in that whole situation it could, just it can change the whole dynamic.
Hello, my friends, before we get back to today's episode, i want to ask you a question.
Have you ever wondered how to elevate your team's negotiation game and how you can help the folks on your team have better difficult conversations?
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Elevate, negotiate, and succeed.
The new year always reminds me of the moment that changed my life.
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That fear of rejection pushed me to become a people-pleaser, someone who avoided conflict and said yes when I should have said no.
But everything shifted when I discovered negotiation, because I realized that confidence isn't something you're born with.
It's a skill that you build.
And that belief is what eventually led me to start the American Negotiation Institute.
And here's why I'm telling you this.
A lot of people are walking into the new year with an idea that they've been sitting on for a while, something they know they could build but haven't acted on yet.
The new year isn't magic.
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Oh, this is good.
Okay.
Let me feel free to say no to this.
But do you want to do a little role play here?
Let's just roll through that IT support type of situation.
Let's try it.
Yeah, let's do that.
And we can give an example of what an emotionally intelligent way to handle the situation is.
Because, like you said, we have the problem, and then we have the problem because we have the issue that created the emotional distress, and then we have the emotional distress and what a lot of people want to do is they want to go straight to solving the problem.
Hey, that's what caused your emotional distress.
Getting rid of that will alleviate your emotional distress to a certain extent.
But if you don't work through that emotional distress then you often don't put yourself in a position to actually work through the problem, because you have to wrestle with those emotions and manage those emotions effectively to get to that higher level dialog that people are wanting to get to.
So so let's, and just disclaimer I'm not the most tech savvy person, so we're going to have to kind of dumb down this interaction.
That's okay.
I was thinking the same thing.
Yeah.
Oh, this would be great.
This would be great.
So you are tech support in the company.
I am a frustrated lawyer, which should not be difficult for me to play as a frustrated lawyer.
And so you're going to walk me through it.
Listen, Chelsea, this computer is broken again.
I need you to come fix it.
I need you to fix it now.
Okay.
Can you tell me what the problem is?
It doesn't work.
It doesn't work.
I've been practicing law for 40 years and now we have all of these, this complex technology, and all i want to do is log in.
Did get my legal research, since apparently libraries don't work anymore.
We got rid of all the books and now i have to find all of this case law in the in the system, and then the system doesn't work.
So i can't log in.
I can't get my precedent.
I need this brief that's due and i just can't get this thing to work.
So, all what, what's the problem?
It doesn't work.
That's the problem.
Wow, that sounds really frustrating.
Let me see what i can do to help you and if we need any additional support, i'll make sure my team is on standby.
Yeah, I mean, let's go, because I really need to move fast on this.
Yeah, I hear you.
I completely understand.
Okay.
Now, let's pause real quick.
Let's pause real quick.
Because right now, one of the things that you did really really well, before we continue and I know I'm going to run out of tech jargon
We can end it here, because I have some things to talk about with this too good.
So one of the things you did really well was you identified the emotions right.
It sounds really frustrating right, and so one that was really important because in psychology we know we have to name it to tame it.
Identifying the emotions helps to calm down the activated amygdala, right.
And then you did not get.
You did not get rushed, because i was trying to rush you and you kept your pace, and i think this is really important and that's why i wanted to stop very soon, because a lot of times when people feel like they're getting steamrolled in in a conversation, what's really happening is that somebody is moving exceptionally fast because of whatever emotional distress they're under.
It might be stress, it might be pressure, it might be anger or something like that.
And so they're moving really fast.
And then what often happens is that we feel obligated to move just as fast.
And then we start to make mistakes, and so the fact that you were you like, you caught that and you acknowledge the emotion and you did not meet my level of emotionality or urgency, or i don't i shouldn't say urgency or um, like pace, i should just keep it at pace.
I think that was a really important like expert level move that i think people could miss if we didn't slow down the interaction.
Yeah, that's something that i learned with my kids like if i want them to calm down, i need to be calm.
So i'm bringing them to my emotional level instead of me getting riled up to their emotional level, because that's not going to serve anybody.
So if you're already panicking and frustrated, and if i sound panicky and frustrated along with you and i'm supposed to be the expert, what does that make me look like?
Oh no, that can't happen, because then that's just panic and chaos everywhere.
Like, do they actually know what they're doing?
You know, are they?
Are they really the professional here?
Because I'm the one who needs this service and they're the one that's supposed to provide it.
So that just raises the the frustration level and it's not helping or serving anybody.
Exactly.
Well said.
Well said.
And it is tough.
It is really tough to keep your cool under pressure.
And I think it's really important to remember this simple, simple piece of advice my dad gave me when I was learning how to drive that i'm going to make more mistakes by going too fast than by going too slow.
Yeah, and so one of the things that you'll start to realize as you start to get better at emotional intelligence but difficult conversations in general is that you can slow down the interaction and start to recognize the nuances of what's happening.
It's like you can step outside of yourself and you can say all right, this person is getting emotional, they're under some kind of emotional distress, they're pressing me very, very hard for a solution, but I'm not going to be able to effectively get to a solution until I address that emotional barrier that they're facing.
And our goal should be to always lower the emotional temperature of the room, and slowing things down and acknowledging the emotion that you see and labeling the emotion that you see is one of the simplest, most powerful ways to do that.
Yeah so, using the i side of eq, saying i'm going to keep my cool in this situation, and then using the we i understand that they're frustrated and it has nothing to do with me.
I'm here to provide a solution that's going to solve their problem, but i also need to respect that they're in this emotional state right now, so taking yourself out of their feelings is going to serve you much better than you being at their emotional level in that moment.
Yeah.
Oh, this is good.
Now I want to I want to focus in on a term like a term that you used here.
You said you want to respect their emotions.
What do you mean by that?
Everyone has the right to feel however they feel.
My mom always said perception is reality.
And I thought that she was crazy.
But the older I get, the more I live and interact with other people, the more I see that that's true.
So if I perceive something in a way and we're both looking at the same thing, you perceive it one way and I perceive it another way.
Both of our views.
They're accurate with the world view that we have.
They're accurate with what we believe in that emotional state.
It's not always right, but I have to respect your view and you should respect mine.
So being able to respect people's emotions helps to, helps it to give you all that foundation that you need to have a healthier relationship.
And again, i use the word relationship not in a we're going to be best friends forever kind of way, but that interaction that you have with each and every person is a relationship that you are building in one way or another.
It could be a quick transaction at a gas station, it could be a contract, you know, a long-term contract that you have with somebody, but that relationship is there for a period of time.
And the way that you respond to other people is going to determine the nature of that relationship.
So showing respect to other people's emotions.
If somebody gets frustrated about something that you would normally be sad about, you have to respect that.
Who are we to not respect that?
You know what I mean?
So we have to honor those things and either help them work through it, validate it, Let them know.
Hey, I hear you and I'm here.
Yeah.
Oh, this is good.
This is good because I like how you said the way that you respond to it is going to dictate whether or not the person feels respected by you.
Right.
And so we could always.
I think everybody for the most part will say oh, I respect the other person.
If we were to just like pop into different conversations, do you respect that person?
Of course I do.
Well, okay, you might say that, but do your actions demonstrate that you do?
And one of the best ways to do it is, like you said, respecting the emotions that the person is experiencing.
And I think one of the things that we have to realize is that emotions don't play by our rules.
So if we don't feel like the person should feel this way, that can come off as disrespect in the conversation.
If you don't acknowledge it right, acknowledge and validate it now.
Here's the thing, and this is one of those lines that it's difficult for people to tell or difficult for people to understand how to to balance and i'd like to get your thoughts on this we can acknowledge and validate and respect somebody's emotional state while ultimately disagreeing with the person's position.
And so how can you semantically like, how would you actually express this in a conversation where you are acknowledging and respecting the emotional state while still disagreeing with the underlying position that they're in?
I don't want to use politics.
I'm trying to think of an example and I'm like, I don't want to use a political example.
But that's like the deepest, most challenging one. that I can think of.
Okay, I can definitely use my kids.
That's always, I mean, I was thinking about that earlier.
Like everything that they go through is like the worst thing that they've ever been through.
We're adults and we have bills to pay and houses to take care of and air conditioners to replace.
And they're crying because you broke their cracker the wrong way.
Literally, you broke their cracker the wrong way, or you didn't cut the crust off their sandwich.
Okay, oh my goodness.
I still have to respect the fact that that is like heartbreaking for her.
I have to respect the fact that she is upset because her cracker is not broken the right way when i have bills to pay.
So that's a really good example.
And I'm over here getting a little emotional myself.
But that's a prime example of I don't really agree with you, because it's still the same piece of food, the same cracker that you have.
It's just accidentally broken the wrong way, but you're mad about it.
Okay, you're allowed to be mad about that.
You can feel however you want.
That's why I tell my kids every day you can feel however you want, but you can't behave however you want.
Doesn't give you the right to kick and scream or yell at somebody or throw things.
You can be mad, you can be sad, you could be happy, you could be super.
Feel however you want to feel, I will.
I have to validate that so that that's an example.
That's a good example.
That is a really good example because and again, it's it's.
It's a.
It's a simple example, but it's an example that the fundamentals think about in the workplace.
There are going to be times where people are upset.
They're going to be emotional.
And then there's the temptation to just say well, I mean, just do what you need to do, get it done, and then you wouldn't feel so bad.
How would you focus on that?
That's not a very compassionate way of handling it.
And I think, especially when you're in the business world, there's usually or at least there should be a very clear objective in mind.
What are we here to accomplish?
And then it's easy when you think about it just again, just completely objectively, removing all emotionality from it, you just say this emotional state that they're in is pulling us further away from the goal.
And then you could get frustrated from that.
But the reality is that emotions don't play by our rules.
The emotions are there.
You have to accept that.
And if you want to achieve your objective, you have to work through those emotions.
And so, whether we like it or not, no matter how technical our field is, no matter what your role is, emotion management and emotional intelligence are going to be critical to your success in that role because, wherever you are, you're going to be dealing with humans and you yourself are a human.
So you need to learn how to manage your own emotions and then work through the emotions of others.
Yeah.
Yeah.
As leaders.
If you continue to invalidate and belittle people employees because of their emotions and how they're feeling about certain things that are happening in the workplace, you will continue to create a toxic culture and people will leave.
It will be a revolving door.
And a lot of times leaders don't want to acknowledge that they're the problem.
They don't want to see that, oh, I'm the one that has to maintain this culture of validation.
I'm the one that has to maintain this culture to help other people feel supported in this.
And it's like if you have a revolving door type of company, look internally.
Literally inside of yourself first and then figure out how you can help the rest of your staff.
But emotional intelligence will make or break you, it will make or break your company, it'll make or break your business, your team, your staff and your life.
Yeah no, this is good, and i think for me as a leader too, this is uh, becoming a bit of a coaching session too, because i think the real realization is that when you um again going back to the fact that emotions don't play by our rules, there's often going to be an emotional explanation for the behaviors that we're going to see.
So think about that simple story of the lion with the thorn in its paw.
Now, the problem with that story is that lions generally are kind of vicious.
But be that as it may, you know, if somebody is acting in a way that is, you know undesirable, it might be due to some emotional distress that they're in.
And addressing that emotional distress is often a good way to first address the like the behavior, because people might feel justified in their behavior because of their emotionality.
That doesn't mean they're right.
It just means that they feel justified.
And that's going to be a barrier if you want to change their behavior too.
Yeah, that starts in childhood too.
So if my favorite quote is all behavior is communication.
So if somebody has grown up, you know, and every time they ask for something they get the answer no.
Until they start throwing things all around the store, causing the scene.
You know, really cutting up and acting out.
They're going to think that that's the only way they can get their way throughout life.
So they're going to bully their way through life because that's the only thing that they know.
And a lot of I go back and forth on this because yes, as adults it is our responsibility to work through our childhood stuff.
You know, let that go.
Stop blaming your parents for everything.
But, at the same time, all of our foundations are what our lives are built on and our personalities and who we are as people.
It's built on a certain foundation and that comes from our childhood.
So there are people that believe I have to be this tough mean big, bad thing in order to to get respected, because that's what they were taught.
That's all they know.
That's their worldview.
There are some people that are so emotional that all they do is cry, because that's the only way that they've ever gotten their way.
So that's what they do in life.
That's what they do in the workplace.
That's how they negotiate.
I'm just going to boohoo cry all the time and everybody's going to give me what I want, because that's what's always worked.
So unless you are in intensive therapy and you are really pushing yourself to work through these things a lot of times we don't even realize it.
We don't recognize it.
It's just something that we default to and our defaults are all different because of our upbringing.
Yeah oh, that's good.
This is, this is really helpful, really really helpful.
So therapy is one way to improve your emotional intelligence.
For sure, i know i've, i've had therapy, i've had.
I know that you mentioned earlier you, you had two, i've.
I think most of my close friends have.
I think that we really need to crush this stigma around mental health and getting the help that you need.
And so, yes, a strong advocate for taking care of yourself and getting therapy.
But I want to take another step here when I think about things that people can do to improve their emotional intelligence.
What are some of those things like action items that people can can put into action, like today, to improve their emotional intelligence.
Yeah, so action items can be broken up into different categories.
So mindfulness exercises um uh, some of my favorites are are sitting still for two minutes.
Two minutes, two minutes is it feels like an hour.
When you are quiet and you are still, It feels like an hour.
So it's really hard to do.
But don't judge any of the thoughts that flow through your mind.
Just let them flow.
Bring yourself back to right where you are in the moment.
Something that I do mindfully every day because it doesn't have to be in the quiet if i'm standing in the kitchen and i start to get stressed, so i have anxiety.
I've been in therapy for many years.
My husband and i have the same therapist and she's also our couples therapist.
Love her.
I had therapy this morning, love her.
Um, so if i am getting anxious and i'm standing in the kitchen, my kids are screaming and i'm just like worried about everything, because you know, the last two years have made you worried about everything.
I just look around and i focus on five things.
I can see what.
I think.
Four things I can hear no, four things.
I can feel three things.
I can hear two things I can.
What are the other senses?
Smell, and one thing I can taste.
So using your five senses to bring yourself back to center, focusing on what is right in front of you right now, in this moment.
And I say that to myself, Right now in this moment, my feet are on this floor.
My shoulders need to relax because they're very tense.
My neck needs to be relaxed because it's a little tense.
And I just go through a body scan of how I'm feeling.
I do that five sense exercise.
Deep breathing activities are really helpful.
I have many.
So whenever you're ready for me to stop, you let me know.
Deep breathing exercises, box breathing.
So I like to call it four, four, four, four.
So breathe in for four, hold for four, breathe out for four, hold for four.
And do that consistently until you're feeling calmer.
That's something that you can do in the heat of the moment.
Both of those are things you can do in the heat of the moment.
But that breathing exercise, I do that with my kids.
Like, okay, y'all are being too loud.
Let me, like I said, bringing them to my emotional level, modeling the behavior I'm looking for.
And I start deep breathing.
My one-year-old takes deep breaths with me.
Like they can do this.
We can all do this.
And then work your way up to four, seven, eight.
So breathe in for four, hold for seven seconds, breathe out for eight seconds.
That helps to decrease your blood pressure and clear your mind and all that good stuff.
Self-care activities, just very simple things to do for yourself.
I tell people if you don't have any time to do anything, stand outside or open a window and breathe in fresh air for 30 seconds.
Just breathe it in for 30 seconds.
Increase that time as you can, but just do that one thing for yourself every day.
Every day.
Financial self-care, you can put money in your savings account.
I had a lot of financial trauma growing up.
And so that's something that I do for myself because financial trauma is real.
That's something I do for myself, putting money in a savings account.
And that just...
List my spirits a little bit.
You know, you're doing something just for you, saving money for something special.
Oh, wait, pause.
So on that Chelsea, you're saying.
You're saying like if you're feeling anxiety, you'll just you'll move money from an account to a savings account just to like have that feeling, or even as a preventative measure.
So, yeah.
The goal is to do these as preventative measures so that you're not so stressed.
So my financial trauma is I know you can go from millions to zero dollars like that.
That's what I learned growing up.
It's not how it happened, but that's how I saw it as a kid that was not being talked to about things that were happening.
I just knew something was wrong.
And you can go from having everything to having absolutely nothing in the blink of an eye.
So I have had to work very hard to get out of that.
Moving money into a savings account.
We have multiple savings accounts now, but that helps me to like know that we're okay.
If we're limited right here, we're still good right here.
So that's a part of my financial self-care plan.
Spiritual self-care, do a Bible devotion.
You know, get the Bible app has... a Bible verse of the day.
And that's something that you can do for yourself.
I love reading the devotions that they have on there or having my own journaling exercises are really great.
I actually created a gratitude and self-care journal because no gratitude and affirmations journal?
Because that saved me from the um trigger warning the suicidal thoughts that I was having since I was a child.
So that saved me from all of that.
And so I created it as a journal for people for Christmas one year.
And everybody was like, you need to sell this.
Like you have to sell this.
So it has affirmations in it.
You can write your own, write down five things that you're grateful for in a day.
Five things.
I learned that from Oprah.
Write down five things you're grateful for.
And it shifts your mindset in a second.
It is the most amazing thing that you can do for yourself.
You start to seek out those positive things.
And then those things start to seek you out because what you think is what your life is.
Your mindset changes your world.
It can shift things in an instant for you.
The things that you, if you have negative thoughts all day, you're gonna have a negative day.
If you have positive thoughts, you're going to have a positive day.
And instead of looking at it as, man, this one moment destroyed my whole day.
No, this moment sucked right here, right now.
But my day was great.
And here are five things that made it great.
I have five fingers on this one hand.
Sometimes it was that deep.
Like, okay, I got on my toes.
I'm good.
But you don't have to let things ruin you.
So like I said, I got these for days.
I've created a bunch of resources and a lot of different ways to help people, because I needed that help as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult.
And now that I'm grown grown and understand the world better and I have these tools and resources, I am here to share them with everybody, anybody who wants them.
This is incredible.
And I think...
Chelsea, thinking about for me, just today was a stressful day for me.
And I'm thinking back over my day.
I said, OK, it was thunderstorming, so I didn't sleep well and I have insomnia.
So typically I don't sleep well.
So I slept in and Whitney woke me up, and I can count on one hand how many times Whitney's woken me up in our 12 years of marriage.
I don't, I'm always up and ready to go like 5 a.m.
Let's go.
And so Whitney woke me up and I was in like a hustle to get Kai to the dentist in the morning.
So I didn't get to meditate.
And then I also have my gratitude journal on my phone, and I haven't added anything to the gratitude journal.
It's just been go, go, go, go, go.
And as you were talking, I realized wow, you didn't take the time to do those little self-care things that you always do, that help you to feel better.
And so that colors all of the interactions that I have and makes me feel a lot more triggered when something bad happens, which makes it more difficult for me to demonstrate emotional intelligence for myself and for others.
And it starts off because Kwame couldn't sleep and didn't meditate.
And now he's not emotionally intelligent anymore.
So this is really good.
You ruined all your progress.
No, it's not that simple.
But what you just said, you had a really stressful day.
So you have stressful moments in your day.
Reframe that.
You had some stressful moments in your day.
That's really good.
The day's not over and we're having a great conversation now.
So reframe that.
Yes, yes.
No, this is awesome.
This is really, really helpful.
And I love that you've made it practical, because a lot of times when we talk about mental health, we talk about emotional intelligence.
I think sometimes it gets a little bit nebulous.
It can feel a little bit woo woo.
It's like, okay, cool.
I need to be emotionally smarter, whatever that means, but I don't know what to do.
And so you've done a really good job of operationalizing this so the listeners can improve actually improve, so they can improve their outcomes in their conversations and improve their relationships and connections with others.
And I think that a lot of people are saying wow, I wonder if Chelsea wrote any books or if she has a company.
Could you help them with that, Chelsea?
I sure can.
Yeah, yeah.
So my company, somocom lab, has workshops and different resources and i'm creating, oh god, probably four new card decks, because everything that i do is about being practical and having conversations in person.
So i don't do digital resources very often.
I do do digital workshops, but all of the tools that i've created are for in person one on you know, one on one or one on however many connection, so that you can really get the emotional connection that you need in that interaction.
So I have the card game for kids and Karen Hunter loves my card game.
She thinks that I should make one for adults.
So I'm working on that right now.
I have encouragement cards that are with the designer right now.
So I have a lot of different tools and resources that are created and in development so that I can get people what they need.
But you can also follow me on TikTok and on Instagram because I'm posting more practical ways to support yourself and support your kids and really just improve communication all around.
That's that's my goal.
Building up resilience, confidence and communication skills.
Love it.
Chelsea, thanks so much for joining us.
Really appreciate it.
Absolutely.
Thank you for having me.
This was fantastic, congratulations.
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The best things in life lie on the other side of difficult conversations.
Keep learning, keep practicing and keep getting better.
Your relationships will improve.
Your career will soar and you'll have the confidence you need to get the most out of these crucial conversations.
Again, thank you for joining the team.
We're excited to have you and I will see you in the next episode.
I'll catch you later.
