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The most important relationship you'll ever have is the relationship with yourself, because if you can't treat yourself with kindness, if you can't love yourself, care for yourself, that will naturally feed into your other relationships.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice?
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently?
Welcome to Dear Headspace.
Hello, everyone. We are so excited to have you here with us here at Dear Headspace, a podcast where each week, I sit down with a Headspace meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
I'm Robin Hopkins, and today I am here with the lovely and talented Eve.
It is so good to see you again, Eve.
It's so lovely to be back, Robin.
And gosh, it feels like just the other day that we were in the studio.
And now we're back.
I know it does. It does seem like just the other day, but at the same time, like seven years ago, which I feel like most things in my life.
Yes, exactly. Oh, well, I am so excited for the questions today.
And I don't this is I don't know if this is a surprise for you, but they are all about relationships.
We have questions about work, family and love life.
And I want to ask you, because before we get into it, What's the area of relationships that you've had the most trouble with, Eve?
I'm getting into your business right away.
I would say the areas that I've gotten myself into hot water, for want of a better description, is probably when I don't share what my needs are.
And I have been a little bit, guilty feels like a strong word, but over the years, I think when there's been problems in my relationships, and I'm talking here about, you know, more personal relationships is when I assume that the other person knows what I'm thinking, and then set a lot of expectations based on what I'm thinking, but I haven't actually shared that.
And so can get into a very sometimes resentful situation where I feel like my needs aren't being met, but I haven't to actually shared what they are.
I also don't tell people what I want or need from them and then get mad that they're not giving me what I want or need.
Exactly. And sometimes I don't know I want or need it until it's too late.
Exactly yeah and then I often call them you know, the great expectations which we can set for other people and they are blissfully unaware and then we're really disappointed when those expectations aren't met.
And I would say that has been probably the most troublesome area of, and not just in personal relationships, I think in work context, even with friends.
We can have this idea of, we don't want to hurt someone's feelings or we don't want to rock the boat, or we feel as if we say something, say in a work context, that there'll be some ramifications.
And And what's the tradeoff?
You know, I often think about that is, if I don't say something, how's that going to make me feel?
And if I do say something, it might be really difficult, but I'm actually probably going to learn something along the way.
And I think wrapped around all of this is our ability to listen.
Ultimately, that causes a lot of pain and suffering in any relationship, whether it's whether it's family, partner, friends, I think, generally speaking, as human beings, we need to be a little bit better at listening.
I mean, that's definitely an area I could grow leaps and bounds in, you know, it's just hard sometimes because you want to feel heard, and you want to say your part, but you got to give the space for other people to feel heard and to say their things.
So I think that's a great bit of advice.
Well, I would say Eve, and I think you might agree with me, we are all warmed up and we are ready for the questions.
And like I said, today they are all about relationships.
We are going to talk about when you have troubles with your parent as an adult, when you have trouble staying in relationships and when you have difficulties with coworkers.
So let's listen to our first question.
Here is Jessica. Hello, my name is Jessica and I'm in Miami, Florida.
I used to have a very close relationship with my mom when I was growing up, and now that I'm an adult, it's been a tumultuous time.
We are having difficulties communicating, seeing eye to eye, I guess understanding what our priorities are, and sensing that she really feels that I should be responsible for her in terms of financially and meeting her needs and putting her first. and it's become difficult as I'm now an adult, I'm married and I have a separate life from hers, even sensing some jealousy at times.
So I wanted to know what do you guys recommend in terms of feeling better, not feeling as uncomfortable and even in setting boundaries, what can I do here?
Thank you so much Jessica for for sending that in and I'm sure many people might relate to what you're going through right now.
I think what first brings to mind is that it's normal for relationships to change over time, and even the closest of relationships will go through rocky patches.
I think we can have this idea that if a relationship is, or has been in one way over a long period of time and then that shifts or somebody else's priorities change that can cause a lot of resistance so I think just normalizing that it's okay that relationships do change.
Yeah that's so true I you know I keep thinking about my daughter and it's the opposite because she's younger she's 13 almost 14 and you know we're in a new phase where she she wants more autonomy and I have to see her as a new and different person.
And that's difficult.
Like we can get especially, I think, not just the mother daughter, but in families, which you alluded to, we can get really trapped in seeing a person one way.
But I think what's interesting in this question, even I'm curious what your thoughts are on this, is that it sort of flipped.
Like I expected Jessica to be saying that the mom still sees her as this young person, but she wasn't saying that.
she was saying the mom has these expectations of her caring for her and all of that.
What are your thoughts on that?
I mean, that's a lot of expectation on someone who's out having their own life at this point.
Yeah, I know. And I think what actually underneath all of this did come through is, and hearing Jessica's question, is clearly there is a lot of love on both sides.
I think when you break down all of the the tension that's possibly there, recognizing that perhaps this difficulty is arising because your mum misses spending time with you and wants to feel connected and of course you don't want to let her down.
But you also need to feel like you can get on with your life, which is also very normal, I just want to add.
So try not to feel bad that you want to move on with your new life.
That's not to say that you can't spend time with your mom.
I think it goes back to what we were saying in the beginning of this conversation is around expectations.
And I think it's very natural and normal to not want to hurt someone's feelings, But putting boundaries in place in any relationship is really important and you actually mention that in in your question.
I think healthy boundaries can ensure that we as individuals have a sense of well -being, feel healthy in in our relationships, and so there's a few things I think spring to mind in the situation.
Of course I don't know the intricate details of your relationship but you can still be direct but at the same time be kind.
I think we're often afraid to push back particularly when it comes to someone that we love and we don't want to upset them, but having a conversation where you clearly state what your needs are might actually help your mum to understand your perspective and it also might give your mum a chance to share how she's really feeling.
If you remember we were talking about if we keep inside what we're thinking and feeling and the other person doesn't know, it's often the case that the other person is actually quite oblivious to what's happening.
I agree with you, like you can't have boundaries without having a conversation.
Yeah, something else that springs to mind and you can again do this in a really kind and caring way is actually sharing with your mom the time that you have available and so that she feels clear about the time that you can spend together or the time that maybe she needs you to help her with something and And this is something that is probably easy to say and harder to do, but getting comfortable saying no, no is this word that can be really, really loaded.
And again, just because you say no to someone, it doesn't mean that the relationship is damaged or that you can't, you know, come back from a difficulty.
That really will help you to set boundaries.
And so that little word N .O.
you try to get comfortable with that.
And you can do it in very small ways to start and maybe practice with some other family members first. Is probably, that's a brilliant bit of advice that I've been given over the years and trust me.
I have had to practice saying no. And it does feel uncomfortable at first but I promise, I promise you that will really, really help in setting those boundaries.
One of the things that I heard really clearly that I hadn't thought of was you said she might just be missing you.
And I think it's easy to make assumptions and be like, oh, she just wants this for me or she needs this for me.
She has these expectations.
But in reality, Jessica, you may not actually know what's going on for your mom until she tells you.
Like, it could be something totally different, like she just loves you and misses you.
But to not make assumptions and to ask, I think that's a really powerful bit of advice, Eve, that you gave there.
Yeah. And I think simply that is we don't always know what is going on for someone.
Yeah. And often we may act out or we may act in ways that causes a little bit of discomfort in a relationship because we're in pain ourselves.
Yeah. and we can often act out because we're feeling hurt.
And you know what? There might be some jealousy.
She genuinely might be feeling like everything's changing and she might be struggling to process that.
But I think it really comes back to setting those healthy boundaries, and so just reminding yourself of that.
All right, let's move into our next question.
Here we go. Hi, my name is John Luca, and I am I'm from Westchester County, New York.
I am recently single out of my fourth long -term relationship.
I'm 43 and feeling very lost, confused, and doubting my ability to actually have a long -term relationship.
I had a very dysfunctional upbringing, very traumatic experience growing up with my parents, and I don't know if that's starting to impact my relationships or has always been impacting my relationships.
But I am or it feels like I'm unable to actually keep a boyfriend at this time in my life.
And I don't know how to go into dating or go into another relationship with any kind of positivity.
Hmm, that's a little heartbreaking, because it's it's it sounds like Jean -Luc is having a hard time and he's blaming himself.
I mean, Eve, what do you think?
Yeah, I did hear that a lot and John Luca I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low after a breakup.
I think when any relationship breaks up, regardless of the reason, it's very normal to feel hurt and let down and to cast a lot of blame on ourself but that can really, really impact our self -worth, our self -esteem and I think just reminding yourself that there are always two in a relationship and so just reminding yourself that it's not all on you and that I'm really sorry that you're feeling like this because I've been there and it's not nice but it won't last forever and hopefully we're going to share some things that you might find really helpful as you navigate this time.
Yeah you know the first thing that I heard in his question was about like the family of origin stuff.
You know I came from a family that wasn't you know wasn't awesome and my parents got divorced twice like why they remarried again I'll never understand, but I'm happy they did because then they had me and I was a little I mean broken feels like a really strong word but I I had all kinds of worth issues and and stuff tied up in relationships and I really struggled to be in Relationship and I didn't find my wife until I did some work on myself you know taking a look back at the center of it like I was choosing broken people and And I had to see that I was the center of that circle and do some work
to let someone show up that would treat me kindly and with love, and that I could let in.
I couldn't agree more with you, Robin, and think the best advice I was given quite a few years ago now, actually, and I'll be honest, this is something that I have had to work at quite a lot over the years.
and when I first heard it took a while to really, really understand it and that is the most important relationship you'll ever have is the relationship with yourself because if you can't treat yourself with kindness, if you can't love yourself, care for yourself that will naturally feed into your other relationships.
Of course in varying degrees we actually have to learn how to do that.
And it can take a little bit of, a little bit of practice.
Where do you recommend someone starts?
Well there's a few things really, everything from perhaps having some therapy or some counseling where you can really talk through some of the history and maybe identify some of the areas that you can really recognize that it's impacting.
That might not be suitable for and I of course understand and respect that.
Something that I have done again over the years and actually very recently did it wasn't in relation to a difficulty in a personal relationship, but we at Headspace were asked to fill out our end -of -year reviews and I started writing mine.
I stopped after about 15, 20 minutes and I started reading what I had written, I sat back in my chair and I was just really shocked at how negative I was being about myself.
I was picking up on all of the things that I hadn't done that I wished or felt I should have done better.
I was picking holes in everything, and I thought, wow you're being so unkind to yourself.
I hadn't mentioned anything of the work that I felt really proud about, where I'd navigated some really difficult challenging times, where I'd learned things and so what I decided to do and this is something that I have done over the years is I wrote a letter to myself.
I wrote a letter to Eve my friend and it completely changed the dynamic And so that might be something for you to think about, what would you say to a friend right now who's going through a breakup who is dealing with some of the difficulties that you're experiencing, what would you say to them.
You'd want to reassure them you wouldn't want to sit there and blame them and of course this doesn't mean that you can't identify areas which you know you may need to work on.
But you can do so from a place that is really kind and caring without completely trashing yourself, because over time that becomes really, really destructive.
Yeah, absolutely. Just kindness to yourself.
You know, I once had this friend of mine say to me, well, you know, like, what's the what's your perfect relationship?
And I went on this, I'm waxing poetically about, you know, it's like we're equals.
And it's it's not 50 -50, it's 100 hundred.
And I had this whole vision for what my romantic relationship should be.
And then she said in what have your relationships been like?
And I said, well, geez, not that.
And then I started to describe my relationships and what a hot mess they were.
And she just said, why do you think that is?
Why do you think you are settling for less than what you deserve?
And I was like, Holy cow, like that just blew my mind.
And I, and that was a real turning point for me and so I think there's a lot Jean Luca that you can look at but looking at yourself with kindness and I just think that's so important that under everything there's has to be a kindness to yourself.
Yeah and I recognize that a lot of what we're talking about is much easier to say than do because if some of these behaviors negative thought patterns have been around for a really long time.
It's almost like we put an armour up around ourselves, and it can take a little bit of time to take off the hard shell and actually learn and practice what it feels like being kind to oneself.
And so I would encourage you to take yourself on some dates, get used to spending time with yourself, doing things that you enjoy, but also recognising that there might be some areas in your life that do need addressing, and that could be through therapy, through counseling, through talking with friends or writing a letter, either to your current self or your younger self.
But these are things that have helped me over the years, and I hope they help you as well, John Luca.
So please take care and do stay in touch. Yeah, absolutely.
And I do think there's value, John Luca, and just sort of meditating on what it is you want and putting that out into the universe.
Like putting out that positive idea of what relationship you'd like to come back to.
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All right, Eve, it is time for our last question.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
OK, here we go. Hi, everyone.
I'm Mary from Costa Rica.
And I would like to talk about something that's been happening at my workplace.
So I have this colleague that we studied together and we graduated together.
And now we work together after a couple of years apart.
And I thought of her as my friend.
But lately, I've been noticing that whenever I'm in the room, she shows up awful lot.
She talks over what I'm saying.
I've been noticing she has like this performer personality and I'm more like a perfectionist. So this has had a negative impact on our connection and how we work in our relationship.
I don't talk that much anymore.
I don't give my opinions anymore because I really don't feel appreciated or listened.
And I feel like I'm more like a threat.
And I wish this wouldn't have happened.
I'm really kind of, like, disappointed.
And I asked myself, what could I have done differently?
But I think it's not like that.
So what would you guys do in my place?
So yeah, thanks. So the theme, really, or a big part of the theme for our conversation today has been around navigating relationships in our lives, whether that's personal, friends, work relationships.
And of course, relationships change over time.
And of course, hearing some of your history, Mary, that you went to school, graduated together, and you genuinely believed that there was a friendship there and to not have those needs met anymore is understandably going to be a little bit painful.
And of course, when our expectations about somebody, how we think they should behave, how we feel they should be around us, changes.
That can also bring into question a lot about, you know, our own self worth and our own value and hearing you say that you don't two you don't feel appreciated is that's not okay and I think it comes back to what we were talking about earlier around boundaries and boundaries shouldn't just exist in our personal relationships, it's really important that there are boundaries in our professional relationships as well and everyone deserves the right to be heard and to feel valued and So I think addressing that and nipping that in the bud is really important.
And also Eve, because you know, I heard Mary say that she's making herself smaller.
She doesn't want to respond.
She doesn't want to, she just being quiet now.
And that's hard to hear because it's like she's allowing this coworker slash former friend or friend to her behavior, to make her smaller.
and I'm never for that, you know, I'm never for, I never want someone to make themselves feel smaller.
Like can you speak about that a little bit?
I think often people act out when they are feeling low self -worth or a lot of self -doubt about themselves and they try and act in a way that they think is going to be well received.
And there genuinely might be a case here where your coworker may feel a bit threatened by you.
And again, we behave in ways that aren't always supportive to the relationships that we're in.
So if you feel comfortable having a conversation or maybe writing an email, of course, assess what you think will land best. But I think inquiring as to why she often cuts you off, like, where is that coming from?
And of course, if you both have history that goes back a few years, there's also that point around we tend to take out our frustrations or our difficulties on those people we feel closest to, and what also sprung to mind is this relationship does feel like it's quite draining for you.
you shared words like feeling undervalued feeling small and that's not a good place to be.
And so what are the areas both in your professional working life but also in your personal life where you can focus on the people that really do nurture you and that lift you up and that make you feel valued and heard. And that might be having a conversation with your manager or someone else in your team about some areas that you might want to focus on, because I think we've all been in a situation like this in one form or another where a dominant person in the relationship is making us feel less valued, and it can be very easy in those situations to really sit with that and stay with that, versus
okay actually I'm not going to let this take me down I'm to focus on the areas in my life that lift me up.
I'm going to focus on the areas in my life where I feel valued and where I can learn and feel appreciated.
And that just might also help to shift some of the toxicity that might be around in this relationship and also show your friend that she is not the only person that can get your attention.
Yeah that's a really wonderful And I think in all of these questions today like you and I are making assumptions that the people on the other side of the question, not the person asking the question, but the people that they're dealing with have the best intentions or maybe misunderstood.
But sometimes that is not the case.
Sometimes, you know, there are toxic people in this world and and that's where the boundaries come in and that's where the conversation comes in.
So you can assess what is happening and then make the right next step.
Yeah, and I think also.
And again this underpins everything really we've been talking about today in the topics and the questions that were asked, is sometimes relationships come to an end and that's actually for the better.
Because if you're not getting what you need from a relationship, it's actually sometimes okay to then walk away from those relationships.
I think it's really, of course, that might take some time and a lot of conversations and understanding is this relationship worth fighting for, or is it not?
And are you the only one fighting as the other person participating in the healing, or is it just you?
Exactly. It's a two -way street.
Yeah, and for you Mary, there's a whole other layer that this is happening in the workplace.
If you're smaller in the workplace, if it's taking you away from shining, which could impact promotions or other relationships at work, you have to really take a hard look at this.
And like Eve said earlier, possibly, you know, see if there's an escalation that needs to happen so that you have a safe and happy workplace because you deserve that.
Yeah, you really do.
Mary, thank you for such a wonderful, wonderful question.
We hope it works out and we hope that, you know, your workspace goes back to being a happy and joyful one.
Yeah, thank you so much Mary and and yeah, please take care.
And don't be afraid to let us know how everything goes.
We're here for you.
Yes. I think hearing all of these questions just really reminded me that relationships are dynamic, and they're not always going to be smooth.
And I think especially if there is some history there that's not been addressed, whether that's in a work setting or a personal setting can really, really impact how we show up in our current relationships, becoming friends with yourself and understanding your own values and what you need from any relationship is really important, but also recognizing that in any relationship it's a two way street and I think making sure that you understand as best as you can where the other person's at and where where they're coming from and why they might be behaving in a certain way because when we assume or have expectations
about someone without really understanding where they are, that's often when hot water starts to rise.
That's when the wheels come off, Eve.
It's when the wheels start spinning off in many different directions.
Exactly. Well, thank you, Jessica, John, Luca and Mary for sharing your questions with us.
And if you are out there and you are listening and you have a question that you'd like, one of our amazing meditation teachers to answer, you just have to head over to say hi dot chat slash dear headspace and you will follow the prompts to record your question.
Yes. And in addition to questions, you could also share what you yourself perhaps do to help navigate some of the challenges that you might be facing whether that's a little mindful moment from your day or little tools and techniques that could help others who might be navigating something similar?
Yes we would love to hear it and if we use your question or we share your mindful moment on the show you are going to get three months of Headspace for you or a loved one which i think is a really wonderful wonderful gift!
Now Eve, as we wind down the episode, we have a sonic treat for you so that you can transition from this moment to the next one in your day.
Yes, we have built in a little bit of time so that you can really absorb and take in what you've just heard and this is a moment to really let your mind do whatever it wants to do to reflect and consider everything that was shared because there were some deep conversations there.
So today we are leaving you with the crackling sounds of a campfire.
So till next time stay happy, stay healthy, and most importantly be kind to yourself and to each other.
We'll speak to the new Your Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios Original podcast. It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones and Scott Sorenson.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer, Sarah Cohen, Baron Farmar and Danny Burissa Me.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Keisanga Giscombbe, Dora Kamau, Samantha Snowden, and Eve -Louis Prieto.
Sound recording and post -production is by Dan Kral.
Music is by Scott Sorenson and Chris Murguia.
And a very special thanks to Colleen Motz.
