I think that it's incredibly beneficial to check in every once in a while and figure out the ways that you are toxic.
Now don't feel attacked, okay?
Because we're all a little toxic.
You can't get through life without being a little bit toxic and there are levels to it.
Some people are far more toxic than others.
There are also different types of toxic.
Like some people are more toxic to themselves.
Other people are more toxic to the people around them.
It's neither here nor there.
Everyone is a little bit toxic, and I think to deny that everyone's a little toxic is to create a problem.
Because if you choose to turn a blind eye to the ways that you're toxic and to the ways that other people are toxic, people you love maybe, how are you able to improve and grow?
All of this to say, I've decided to make a list of all the ways that I'm currently toxic, and today I'm going to be sharing them with you.
because I think that this will be beneficial for me, and maybe it'll make you feel better about looking inward and figuring out the ways that you're toxic, because there's nothing wrong with it.
There's nothing wrong with it.
It's very easy to be avoidant when it comes to our own toxic traits, because a lot of times people don't confront us about them.
A lot of times we can blame our toxic traits on other people or various things in our lives.
Sometimes our toxic traits only impact us so no one else even knows about these toxic traits, and the only one who can confront us is us.
There's a lot of reasons why it's challenging to address our toxic traits, but it's so healthy, and it's so crucial, and it's so good.
And so today I'm gonna be going through my toxic traits.
Some of them are worse than others, okay?
Some of them are really no big deal.
And some of them are far worse, uh, and far more harmful for me or maybe even for others, but I'm going to lay it all out for you today.
And I'm also going to brainstorm some ways that I can fix these toxic traits because what's the point of listing them without brainstorming a solution?
That sounds toxic. Actually, that in itself is toxic to start.
But I think my most toxic trait is that I love, love gossip.
I love gossip, I love drama, I fucking love it.
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry to myself.
I'm sorry to everyone around me.
I'm sorry to you listening.
I'm sorry, I feel horrible.
I love it. And I've talked about this a little bit before, because I do think that to an extent, gossip and drama can help teach you something.
For example, I'll call my mom up and just start talking shit about someone.
And a lot of times through discussing it and through analyzing the person and the situation, I end up further developing my own personality in a way like, oh you know what?
I really don't ever want to be like that.
When it comes to drama, usually someone did something wrong.
Okay? And again, discussing drama can help you, I don't know, sort of figure out what you don't wanna do with your life.
I don't think that gossip and drama is always bad.
However, I think that I love it a little bit too much. Okay?
Like for example, I have a really hard time not watching drama videos on YouTube about just pop culture drama.
Like I have a very hard time not watching stuff like that.
And you might be thinking, Emma, it's fine.
You can watch that.
What's wrong with that?
You are what you consume, okay?
And when I'm consuming all these drama videos, I'm a fucking emotional wreck.
I'm anxious, I'm scared, I'm depressed.
Like, it does not leave my brain in a good place.
And on top of that, I'm filling my brain with pointless information.
Pop culture drama absolutely benefits me, zero, okay?
I benefit in no way, but alas, if it was up to me, that's all I'd watch. It's scratches an itch, it's interesting.
It's a distraction.
And there's also something comforting about, I don't know, and this is so fucked up and I hate to admit this, but we're really having an open day today.
We're really getting shit off our chest today, so here I go.
But I think that there is something sort of comforting about seeing drama happening with other people, because it makes me feel like my life is less bad.
And I don't like that.
Like, I don't like the idea of me in any way, shape or form, small or big, sort of finding comfort in other people's drama.
Like, that's not good vibes.
That's really bad vibes.
So it's negative for me in that way.
But I also think too, that socially I do love...
I love when somebody gives me a little piece of gossip, you know, I love it.
I look forward to it.
And listen, I gossip responsibly.
I gossip responsibly majority of the time.
I have moments where I fuck up, particularly when I'm under the influence of alcohol.
Wow! Suddenly, anything's possible.
No conversations are off the table, like, suddenly, here Emma is.
She's ready to talk about whatever, and gossip could be a part of that.
I tend to be responsible, keeping it to my close friends in close family.
which is arguably safe and, I don't know, inconsequential.
But I think what's toxic about it is that sometimes I fall into rhythms where I'm like, this is taking up too much of my conversation with others.
It's not like that all the time, but sometimes I fall into rhythms like that.
And I think we all do.
There are very few people on this planet who don't gossip at all, who don't fall into that rhythm.
I need to find something that I love more.
The only problem is gossip.
Like there's something about it that's so satisfying and so fascinating to me that I don't know what could stimulate me as much. And that's not good, okay?
Like I'd love to say, oh, I love talking about art.
You know, that stimulates me equally as much as gossip or drama.
It doesn't. It doesn't.
I'm gonna be honest. I love talking about music, art, you know, all of these soul enriching things.
I do love that, but there's something about a little gossip sesh that just gets me and I wish that I didn't like it as much as I do.
Maybe it's just human, to gossip in these ways and maybe it's not as toxic as I feel it is, but there's a level of guilt that I have about it and it's one of my most toxic traits.
Like in an ideal world, I would never gossip at all, right?
That's the type of person I wish I was, maybe that's not even possible and maybe that's not even healthy, I'm not sure.
But I guess my relationship to gossiping and drama is what's unhealthy.
And so I need to figure that out.
And I don't exactly know what I'm gonna do.
It might be finding something that mentally stimulates me just as much, that's maybe more positive in some way.
And I can lean on that in conversation with my close family and friends or whatever, or when I'm drunk with whoever.
Yeah. Fuck. I don't know.
I need to make this clear though.
I don't like stirring up drama.
Like I'm not somebody who's like spreading rumors or like, or at least not intentionally, I never intentionally want to create drama.
I don't want to be a part of it at all.
I like to be 400 miles away from the drama.
I don't like to be in it.
I don't like to start it.
I don't like to create it.
I don't like any of that.
I hate that, hate that, hate that, but I love to hear about it from an arm's distance length, almost as though it's like a reality show, you You know it's like I'm watching a reality show.
It's like nobody wants to be in The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Okay maybe some people but not a lot.
Most people just like to watch it and live vicariously from a safe distance.
Like you're in the drama you're emotionally involved and you're stimulated by it but there's no stakes because you're not involved at all you know?
Anyhoo maybe it's limiting the amount of gossiping I do and figuring out what that limit is.
Maybe it's not watching drama videos except for on weekends.
Maybe it's not watching them at all.
I don't really know, but I will let you know how I fix my relationship with gossip and drama.
My next toxic trait is that I love connecting with people, telling stories, being open and vulnerable and warm.
Like, that's how I connect with people is by telling stories and trying to be a comforting energy to break down the walls of others so that everyone feels comfortable and happy and we can have fun.
The only problem is, is that I've found that at times I can take it too far, again, mainly when I'm drunk, and I can sort of use myself as like a punching bag and like tell stories that I actually don't want to tell, really wanna share for the sake of making someone else feel comfortable.
I will not necessarily even overshare but share a story, like almost exploit myself in a way.
Like I'll exploit myself in my life in various stories as to make others feel comfortable and at times, not always, but at times I'll take it too far and then later feel like I exploited myself as though I'm two different people And I, me in conversation, trying to disarm people and make people feel comfortable, I then exploit my past self.
And then maybe a few hours after the conversation, I regret doing that.
And I feel like I kind of exposed myself a little too much. And now I feel uncomfortable, but it was my doing.
That was my fault. And the other person doesn't feel uncomfortable with it.
Like they were happy to have heard this story.
They were intrigued by this story, like whatever.
But then in retrospect, I'm like I didn't want to talk about that.
Actually. Why did I do that?
They never asked me to talk about it But I just exposed myself for the sake of their comfort and they didn't even need that They didn't even ask for that and that's something I need to work on I think I just need to catch myself in the moment when I'm about to tell a story that's somewhat personal I need to be like, wait a minute.
Does this feel right?
Why am I doing this?
Why am I telling the story?
Am I telling this story?
Because I genuinely am excited to share it and I think this person will enjoy it and I think that they'll connect to it in some way?
Okay, great, all good, let's share it, green light, but I have a feeling, if I start doing a quick mental check before I tell a story, I might stop myself sometimes.
But I don't really do that right now.
I look at my life and my experiences as just like a wide open book.
And I think at times that can leave me feeling as though I exploited myself.
and so I need to work on that, but hopefully everyone else enjoys it.
Next toxic trait, I have a really hard time getting rid of clothing, okay?
About two weeks ago, I went through my closet and tried everything on and got rid of so much stuff.
A lot of it I've had since I was a teenager, like 18, 19, stuff that I have not worn in years, Stuff that doesn't even fit me anymore, way too small.
Just collecting dust in my closet because I was like, oh, but I don't know.
Like, even though those jeans don't fit me anymore, they're so cute and like, I'll never fit them again and I know that, but it's like, they're so cute that it's like, I can't get rid of them, they're like a collector's item.
It's like, no, they're not a collector's item, Emma.
They're just jeans.
They're literally just jeans.
Yeah, they're cute, but like, donate them and someone else will enjoy them.
What the fuck are you doing?
I also was keeping stuff that like was my style from when I was a teenager, and I'm an adult now.
And I was keeping it because I was like, oh, but this is so nostalgic, like, I don't know, maybe I'll want to wear it again, or maybe it'll come back into style or whatever.
All these excuses I have. For every single piece in my closet that I did not need or couldn't wear or wouldn't wear, I had some sort of stupid excuse, but meanwhile, my crowded closet was preventing me from getting dressed every morning in a way that was convenient and easy.
Like I would end up pulling out a pair of jeans and I put them on and they're too small, okay?
And then I am looking through all my tops, trying to find one that I like.
And all of them are from when I was like a teenager and I don't like any of them anymore.
And I'm trying to find the things that are my style now that I've purchased more recently, can't find them cause they're drowning in stuff that I wore when I was 18.
It's like, no, I'm not gonna wear the argyle sweater vest from 2018 now.
That's not my style now.
Why do I still have it?" The whole point of having a collection of clothing is that you can go in and play and have fun getting dressed in the morning.
Like, that's the whole point.
But I couldn't even do that because I had all this shit that was no longer my style that was just collecting dust in my closet because I, for some reason, couldn't let go of it.
And I end up getting to that point like once a year, I feel like, where I have to scale down again and again and again.
and it's because I've never gone back in and really been harsh with it to the level that I need to be.
There's shit in there that does not need to be in there still, every time.
Like, I know in my gut I need to get rid of it because I'm never gonna wear it again, but there's something inside of me saying, no, this is special, you need to keep this.
My relationship to my clothing collection is arguably my only toxic relationship to material things.
like I'm not as emotionally attached to anything else.
Like, I have no issue getting rid of other stuff.
There's something about clothes, though, where I'm very emotional with clothes, and so I tend to hoard them, which then makes the process of enjoying fashion harder for me, because I feel cluttered, and I can't find anything that matches my current style.
So, it's a mess. I think the way I'm gonna fix that is by eventually really getting rid of all the stuff that I can no longer fit in or aren't comfortable to a point where I don't ever wear it, or is it my style anymore?
Cause I bought it when I was a teenager, et cetera.
I need to really get rid of all of that stuff for once and for all, stop making excuses, get down to zero with that.
And then everything's going to really look up from there.
But also, I've been playing around with the idea of wearing a uniform every day.
I'm still on the fence.
Like, I really wanna do it, but I also am afraid because I do love using clothing as a way to express myself.
I waste a lot of time doing it.
And arguably it's not time well spent because it doesn't lead me to my ultimate goals in life.
Like, I guess, I don't know.
If I had a uniform though, I would never have to worry about that clutter again.
I don't know. It's, this is a stupid issue, but bouncing off of that toxic trait, My next toxic trait sort of relates because it's also regarding clothes.
I need every outfit to match perfectly, including my pajamas.
Like, right now, you'd look at what I'm wearing as I'm recording this and you'd be like, Emma, this is not an outfit.
Who cares if it matches?
I'm wearing orange pajama shorts that I wear every single day.
They're my favorite pajama shorts.
They're the only pajama shorts that I wear.
They're like rusty orange.
And then I'm wearing a T -shirt, vintage T -shirt, super soft, super thin.
and I'm wearing white socks.
Okay, you would look at this outfit and you'd be like, that's pajamas.
Like there's no, I'm so sorry, it matches, okay?
I have two pairs of slippers, cause I'm also, well, I'm not wearing slippers right now, but they're next to me, like I was wearing them before I started recording, okay?
My entire outfit matches.
My socks are white.
My shirt is white with the design on it.
The design on my shirt has quite a few colors.
there's like brown, green, rust, black, gray, blue, and then it's a white t -shirt as the base.
The white socks match the white shirt there's rust on my shirt which brings out the rust in my fucking pajama shorts okay and my slippers are gray because the gray looks better with this shirt than the black slippers, like I'm not kidding it's ridiculous.
When I go to a workout I have wear all black, that's where I'm at right now.
Black shorts, black sports bra, black long sleeve, black puffer jacket, white sock, which kind of throws me off because there's no white anywhere else.
So it just feels like it's sticking out like a sore thumb.
But you know what? Something's got to give, right?
And then I'm wearing my black slippers.
And then I'll change into my workout shoes later, but it's all a vibe.
Black sunglasses, it all matches.
Now that's like, in mundane ways, I'm obsessed with making sure that my outfit always matches.
but it goes far beyond that, to a point that is toxic.
I'd argue, because it makes it so hard for me to get dressed in the morning.
And it also prevents me from experimenting with fashion sometimes, because I'm so obsessed with things matching and being balanced color wise, that I end up not taking certain risks, okay?
Every color must be pulled in, in some way.
You know, every once in a while I'll do a pop of color, but I'm not gonna do a pop of color unless it feels right.
Like, I don't even know how to explain it because it's almost like this little toxic game I have going on in my head that's so abstract that I can't even explain it.
Like it's one of those things where I look in the mirror and it just has to feel right.
And I have certain rules about certain colors that I don't like going together.
And I even get particular about like the shape, like let's say I'm wearing an all black outfit.
If the black pants are slightly more black than the black shirt that I'm wearing, I'll freak out and I'll be like, I have to change.
I'm telling you, this is toxic, okay?
Like this is actually toxic, I'm admitting it to you.
I'm also a freak about the hardware of what I'm wearing.
Like all of my earrings must be, like if I'm wearing gold with my outfit, every single detail must be gold.
The zipper on my jacket must be gold.
My earrings must be gold.
The hardware on my shoes must be gold.
If I'm wearing gold that day, everything has to be gold.
If I'm wearing silver one day, everything has to be silver, the zipper on my bag.
And the problem with this is that it's like, I pigeonhole my style in a way, because it's like I can only, there's only certain things I can wear with other things.
It's obsessive in a weird way.
And part of me feels like it's just my style, like that is just my style.
I like things to match really well.
and that's, you know, whatever.
But that's also a reason why I kinda wanna wear a uniform because I'm like, if I can find a black pair of pants and a black sweater that match perfectly and a black shoe and a black bag, and I can wear it and it all has silver hardware and I can just wear silver all the time, then there's a uniform and I never have to deal with matching an outfit.
I take it too seriously, it's just not that deep.
We're getting dressed for fuck sake.
We're going to a workout class, for fuck sake.
It's like, no one cares, but for some odd toxic reason I care, and it absolutely tortures me.
And that leads me to my next toxic trait, also in regards to my outfit.
I cannot leave the house unless my outfit feels perfect for the occasion.
If I feel overdressed, like if I pick out an outfit, and then I suddenly have the epiphany that I'm overdressed, I could be an hour and a half late.
And I'll be like, I, which I'm rare, by the way, I'm never late.
I'm so anal about being early or on time that it tortures me, which is also kind of a toxic trait because yeah, it's, it sounds good.
Me like complimenting myself, me being like, I'm always on time.
It's so toxic. It's so annoying.
No, but it's toxic how much anxiety?
Like I'll have a panic attack if I'm late.
That's stupid. It's like, I'm a human being, like, we're all human beings.
If we're a little late sometimes, it's fucking fine.
Like I don't need to get a full panic attack about it.
My heart doesn't need to be beating because I'm 15 minutes late.
That's toxic for me.
That makes my life miserable.
Any who, but that's not even on the list, I guess now we just added something new, what a treat.
But yeah, if I'm late but I decide, oh wait, my outfit is, I feel like I'm overdressed, actually this is too much, I'll have to start from scratch and start over.
Or if for some reason, my clothes, like don't feel comfortable enough, like I'm so particular about my clothes feeling comfortable on me.
And the reason for that is because I don't feel like I'm able to fully be myself and be present and just enjoy the moment if my clothes are uncomfortable.
So let's say I'm on my period and my favorite pair of jeans are like too tight.
They might look normal, but they feel bad.
and I can't leave the house wearing pants like that because that's all I'm gonna be thinking about all night.
And there are some people I know who, for some reason, just have mental strength in that capacity.
They can go out wearing uncomfortable high heels.
They can have blisters.
Their feet are all ripped up and you'd never know it.
They are sharp as ever, funny as ever, themselves as ever.
I admire that. I'm not like that.
I'm just not. I think leaving the house in an outfit for me is so challenging because I'm balancing all of these different preferences that are so strong that it's hard for me to get dressed and leave the house.
You know, because I'm trying to make sure that the colors are all balanced, but I'm also trying to make sure that everything fits comfortably so that I'm not gonna be thinking about that.
And then I'm also making sure I'm not overdressed or underdressed because I always overthink that.
I don't know, it's like there's so much to balance there that it's a nightmare.
All of this is making me think I just need to start dressing in a uniform for fuck's sake I I need to set myself free from that and maybe if I dressed in a uniform for like a year and just wore the same like two or three outfits every day, I would sort of learn to release all of these I don't know like really strong preferences that end up being toxic in one way or another but again making that jump is scary for somebody who likes fashion, so it's we'll see we shall see okay next this is so cringe like I but this actually this toxic trait is the one that made me want to make this episode because okay
let me explain everyone has a good side well some people don't and those people are so lucky um most people have a good side they have a side of their face that they prefer for me it's a little bit more extreme.
Okay? I love the right side of my face.
I feel confident with the right side of my face.
I've grown to love the right side of my face.
The left side of my face, however, I have not come to love yet.
In the future I would love to.
Okay? That's a goal for me.
I'm so insecure of the left side of my face that I've gotten to a point.
And maybe this is also as a result of working in this industry and becoming hyper -aware of my appearance because you know I'm on camera a lot and so I see myself a lot and I see the imperfections and for fuck's sake cameras emphasize imperfections more than you could even know but anyway no you do know you actually we all know we all take photos of ourselves all the time on like whether you're in front of the camera a lot or not you're at least in front of the camera sometimes because we all are in today's day and age, cameras can really emphasize our insecurities and I'm very insecure about the left
side of my face. It really bothers me.
And I have this, this is so embarrassing, oh my god, this is fucking toxic.
I try to sit on the left side of people at a dinner or in any scenario So that everyone's looking at the right side of my face like when I'm Sitting passenger seat in the car with someone I'm like anxious about them looking at the left side of my face This is so toxic and so unfair to myself and it is Horrific like it's a horrific thing and it's so fucking stupid and it's so vain It's like no one cares that the left side of your face looks different than the right side No one, I don't think it looks as good.
No one else cares. It's so vain.
And I do think it developed from being in this industry.
And you know what's funny, too?
Oh my God, the craziest part is that I used to like the left side of my face better.
That used to be my good side.
How fucking ironic is that?
I used to hate the right side of my face.
And then it switched one day, and now I like the right side, and I hate the left side.
It's just ridiculous.
It's it's all in my head, and I know that I need to rise above it, however it's been harder than, like...
I accept it. Like if someone's sitting on my left side, I'm not gonna like freak out, but I'm self -conscious, and I don't know how I'm going to get over it.
You know, there are certain insecurities that are more consuming and, like, deep -seated that are harder to shake, you know?
And living in a time, too, where, you know, there are so many things available, like if you don't like something about your face, you can go and fix it.
I don't know, it's like it's even harder to accept oneself in today's day and age, because you can go and fix it.
But I don't want to go fix the left side of my face.
There's nothing to fix its the left side of my face there's differences about it like my nose kind of looks weird from the side like my left lip the left side of my lip is a bit smaller than the right side and I also have like a deep wrinkle it's so weird okay whatever but it's like could I go and get that fixed could I go get like a little bit of filler in the left side of my lip could I go get Botox on like the left side of my face where I have like a deeper sort of smile line And yeah, probably.
This is so toxic. But I'm sharing it because I think we all have shit like this.
I also tend to be worse about this with guys that I'm dating.
So like, guys that I'm dating are always very aware of this with me.
Like they know that like, they need to sit on my, on my right side.
And they hate that about me.
But I like, it's not, that's not charming.
That's not cute. That's not making them like me anymore.
I'll tell you that, it's doing a lot and it's not doing that.
Oh, it's just, it's so fucked up.
It's so embarrassing, but I'm gonna figure it out.
I'm not super tapped in on how I'm gonna fix that one, but I'll figure it out.
Okay, next, I give a lot of advice.
A lot of friends come to me for advice.
I give advice on this podcast. Obviously, I'm not a professional advice giver, but I think I have pretty good advice.
I mean, I don't think like my advice is perfect.
no one's advice is perfect, I do think that I have decent enough advice, okay?
And I am someone who people seek out for advice in in my personal life, you know?
I'm not sure why that is or like how how this came to be a thing.
I can be a hypocrite though because I know what's right, okay?
I'm good giving advice, people come to me for advice.
I know how to handle a lot of situations in the right way, I think.
You know, I mean not everywhere.
Trust me, I don't have it all figured out.
I don't want, don't get it twisted, but I feel like a lot of times I know the truth, like I know if I were to have a clone and my clone were to come to me with a problem, I would know exactly what to say but following my own advice is something I can't always do which makes me feel hypocritical and toxic cuz it's like I can spew advice all day long and honestly give people advice that I think is good and if they were to follow it I think they would be successful but I don't always even follow it and I don't know if that's hypocritical because I think now I think it is in a way it feels hypocritical
to me okay like for example let's say someone's feeling really down in the dumps like they're just feeling off they're feeling like shit they're feeling like they're in a rut and they're like like I just can't figure out like what's wrong and I'm like okay well how much are you using your phone like are you on social media a lot and if they're like yeah I've been I'm like doom scrolling all day long I'm like that's what it is remove that and holy shit you're gonna feel so much better meanwhile I fall into periods of time where that exact thing happens to me and in my head I know if I just stopped
doom scrolling and I get off the phone and I tap out, I'm gonna feel so much better, but sometimes I don't have the willpower to take my own advice.
Even when I know what would make me feel better.
Another example would be, let's say someone comes to me and says, Emma, I really need to have this conversation with my significant other.
We're having a little issue.
Should I bring it up or should I just let it go because my answer is always gonna be communicate about it.
But sometimes...
