Over and over I hear the same thing from parents.
Dr. Becky, I can't say no to my kid and I know part of my role is to say no to my kid or set boundaries for my kid and I know it's not good for my kid to be happy all the time but whatever I know in my brain does not come up in my body in the moment my kid makes a request and I need help saying no.
Okay, this is seriously one of my favorite topics and so many of you submitted scenarios and questions and I just want to say thank you, I want to let you know you're not alone.
I want to say you're so brave to look at something and say, this is hard for me.
How amazing, that's always the first step of change and that's also the hardest step so you already did that and so we are going to hear from three parents today who share scenarios that I know are happening in your home as well and then we're going to problem solve together.
So if you're a parent who struggles to say no, which by the way comes from a good reason and we're going to get into that, I promise you're going to end today with concrete strategies that are going to feel good to start experimenting with in your home.
I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside.
We'll be right back.
So recently my family took a weekend trip out of the city and we booked a place on Airbnb and I noticed something I wanted to share with you.
The Airbnb we booked had bunk beds in one kid's bedroom, a canopy bed in another, corn hole set up in the backyard, and air honky in the basement.
These are things my kids don't have at home and so do you know what happened?
The house itself felt like a vacation and I'm telling you this for a really important reason because my kids were so happy in this house with all of this new stuff that my husband and I actually got time to talk to each other while sitting on a couch and so we kind of had our own vacation.
To save you time I want to tell you exactly how I found this spot.
Airbnb guest favorites.
You can cut your to -do list in half by just hitting that filter button and then looking to see what other families loved about the place.
It made it so easy to find the perfect spot.
So if you're looking for a family vacation spot, feel free to try this hack that just worked so successfully to me.
I just don't want to keep this family vacation win a secret because it's so hard to have a vacation that actually feels good to everyone.
I've been an Airbnb fan for a long time now and it's really been the thing that helps my family vacations feel like a vacation.
Well, at least some of the time and that's really the best we're ever going to get.
So on the topic of having a hard time saying no, something I hear a lot is picking my battles.
I know I should pick my battles.
Do I ever pick battles?
Do I let every battle go?
Do I surrender? How do we pick our battles?
How do we know when to draw the line?
So on that note, let's hear from Aileen.
Hi, I have a hard time saying no to my kids partly because I feel like, well it's not that big a deal, it's picking my battles and also wanting them to feel like they're heard and that their wants are valued.
And then I oftentimes say yes when they see me faltering and then they just kind of go ahead with whatever they want, which has created a house full of, or lack of boundaries I should say, therefore causing distress.
So those are some of my worries and struggles with saying no to my kids.
All right, I think we can all see ourselves in Aileen.
So Aileen, thank you for voicing something that all of us struggle with.
And at times I've struggled with this too.
There's two different parts I want to pull out that are just ringing really loudly for me about what you said.
I'm going to say them and then jump into each.
My kids, I want them to feel like they're heard and that their wants are valued.
Amazing. So I'm so glad you said that.
And there's actually a nugget in there that's going to really help us.
The other side of it is you said, my kids kind of, quote, see me faltering and there's something there that's completely human.
And there's also going to be something useful in looking into that.
So let's start with the first.
I want my kids to feel heard.
I want them to feel like their wants are valued.
Yes. What I want to do right now is I want everyone, assuming you're not driving, to put your hands out in front of you and separate them.
And I want you to look at one hand and I want you to say, I want my kids to know that they're heard and their wants are valued.
That's one hand. Okay.
Now I want you to look at the other hand and what's key is to make the other hand far away from your first hand.
That hand is, I'm saying yes or I'm saying no.
Now the reason this is important is on some level we've conflated two things.
We started to believe that in order to make my kids know that they're heard and that their wants are valued, that for me is my right hand, that means I have to say yes with my left hand.
And all of a sudden my hands are together.
I have to say yes because I want my kids to know that they're heard and that their wants are valued.
Again, we're going to separate the hands.
This is so powerful and important.
And remind yourself these are two very, very different things.
Yes, it's important to help my kids feel like their wants and needs are valued.
And that actually is independent.
I mean that. That is independent from saying yes or no in any given situation.
In fact, I would argue it almost becomes dangerous for our kids to conflate being valued with getting what they want.
Being valued and feeling seen with hearing a yes because we want to prepare our kids for adulthood where they know there are many moments.
Most of my moments in adulthood when I'm going to feel cared and respected and loved and valued are actually not going to be the times I get what I want.
I need to figure out a way to feel valued and respected and loved even when someone I care about is saying no.
And so if we want our kids to become adults who can separate those two things, we need to start separating those things now or else we create completely unrealistic relationship patterns for our kids and expectations for how the world works.
I don't think any of us would want a partner who says, I want to choose where we go to dinner tonight.
And if someone said, oh, I don't really want to go out to dinner tonight, I'm feeling sick.
And our partner said what?
Well, if you cared about my wants and values, you would go out to dinner with me even when you're sick.
And I know that seems far away from our young kids, but it's actually not because these patterns transfer.
We want someone to be able to say, oh, you do care about my desire to go out to dinner and you have something going on and you're unable to join me.
I get both of those things at once.
Those are two different things.
So I think knowing that is important.
Now, how do we help our kid feel seen and valued if we don't say yes?
That actually comes down to just saying it to our kids in different ways.
Hey, I know you want to watch another TV show.
I get that that matters to you.
I hear you and it's bedtime.
Right? Or, oh, you really want that t -shirt?
I get it. All the kids in your closet have that t -shirt and you really want it.
I know that that matters and I believe you it stinks to be the only kid who doesn't have it and buying it right now isn't an option.
So what I'm actually separating from my kids is hugely important for adult life skills.
I feel wanted and seen and valued even when I don't get what I want.
Because if we do conflate feeling wanted and valued with getting what we want, we actually set our kid up to be barely entitled in the world.
And that's not what we want.
Now, the one last thing I want to touch on is they see me faltering.
I have so much more to say about this and maybe we'll get to it later in the episode.
If not, if you haven't seen all the stuff I say about boundaries and sturdy leadership, this is it because you're absolutely right.
Our kids smell our ambivalence.
They know. My parents about to say something and they don't even believe it themselves.
And then we tell ourselves the story of, oh, they're taking advantage of me, but they're not.
It would be like being in a plane and hearing a pilot say, we're going to make an emergency landing.
Actually, actually, I don't know.
What should we? Maybe we should.
I don't know. What do you guys think?
I would definitely freak out on a plane, not because I'm trying to, quote, take advantage of my pilot, but just because I feel their lack of sturdiness.
So how a kid responds to our boundary setting is in large part related to how much they feel our sturdiness or our own confusion or faltering.
And so you're absolutely right.
And the best news is that something I love helping parents with is going from faltering to confident and sturdy.
So I can totally get you covered in that domain.
Okay. Here's another scenario I want to explore.
I feel like I'm always saying no to my kid.
I feel like I'm always saying no because my kid is asking for things all the time.
So my struggle to say no exists within that dynamic for a kid who seems to be asking for a million different wants.
All right. Let's hear from Megan.
Dr. Becky. Yes. I struggle to say no to my kid.
Here's why. I feel like I'm always saying no to my kid.
She is deeply feeling.
She's six and a half.
She has a ton of questions, a ton of requests, a ton of demands.
When she wakes up, she asks if she can watch her iPad.
When we get in the car, she asks for me to play our song.
She's constantly asking for snacks and to play this and to play that and will I play with her?
And can we walk down the street so she can ride her bike?
The list of requests from her all day long is endless and I can't say yes to every single one and I feel like I'm constantly saying no.
I try to say yes when I can.
I do say yes when I can but I say no a lot.
I try to couch it in like, no, we can't do that right now but we can do that later or no we can't do that or have that right now but here's what you can have.
She's deeply feeling.
And she gets tired of hearing no and sometimes it turns into a massive power struggle.
And so my thought process, I feel myself tense up every time she asks for something.
I anticipate. Here comes the ask.
I'm probably gonna want to say no for a hundred reasons.
It's not practical right now.
It's not healthy. I'm doing something else.
I'm trying to maintain my sanity, etc.
And she's gonna have a big fat reaction to it and then I'm gonna have to deal with it.
That is the cycle. Megan, first of all, I'm giving you a virtual hug.
I've been there myself.
I have a deeply feeling kid.
I think you know that but I want to say it again because all of my thoughts around these kids not only come from research and from my work in private practice but from my very on the ground life with my own deeply feeling kid because I feel like that lived experience really matters and I just want to
say I believe you. I believe your kid asks for more things and has more intense tantrums and is harder to calm down and most deeply feeling kids when they're really upset on the surface they reject help, get away from me.
Get out of my room even though they actually need us to be there so it's this kind of complicated dance.
So all this to say, I hear it.
I've been there myself.
My deeply feeling kid is now older so I want to let you know from all the kind of deeply feeling kid approach stuff I've done.
Your kid I know if you're doing the same thing is going to get out of it so I want to give you that hope.
Okay, the thing I want to pull out most from what you said is I feel myself tense up every time she asks for something.
Now, of course, that's a totally normal reaction especially maybe you're in public, you're like on a play date, you're like oh my goodness, right, is the meltdown coming but the thing I want to give you that really matters is family jobs and here's why.
We think we tense up in a situation because we're anticipating our kids meltdown or difficult reaction.
I want to consider this idea as true just as an experiment.
We actually tense up in a situation not because of our kids anticipated behavior but because we don't have clarity on what our job is in the moment and when you have clarity on what your job is even in a difficult moment you don't tense up.
You actually kind of activate like oh I'm about to flex my job, watch me do my job, right.
So what is our job?
This is so foundational in any family system definitely with a deeply feeling kid okay because family jobs are almost that much more important.
A parent has two main jobs.
We set boundaries and boundaries are limits that we decide on that we believe are good for our kids.
Often they're about safety, sometimes they're about a kids long term interest, sometimes a boundary is something we set.
It's a limitation because we think I just don't have the energy to kind of have another kid at my house for a play date and I know I'm going to turn into a version of a parent I don't want to be so I'm actually setting that boundary for everyone's benefit, that's a boundary.
So that's one of our jobs we set boundaries why because we're the adult.
It's true I have deep respect for kids and I don't make it clear they're not the pilot.
You are the pilot and pilots set boundaries because you're in a position of authority not authority you're going to abuse true parental authority.
Now you have another job and your other job is connecting to understanding kind of an essence validating your kids feelings and here's why those two jobs kind of often work in tandem.
If you have a kid like any of my kids you set a boundary your kid does not say thank you I feel so safe with you you're such a sturdy leader I can see you're working on boundary setting mom so proud of you high five that will never happen.
You set a boundary and only one thing will happen your kid will freak out.
Why because when we set boundaries we're inherently stopping our kid from getting something they want and that is just a really hard human state.
So we set a boundary and in your head Megan I actually want you to think check one I did one part of my job I did 50 % of my job already that's kind of amazing now it just happens to be that my kids melting down but that's not a reflection of me doing my job I know what my job is so my reflection of doing
my job is doing my job not my kids reaction to doing my job okay now my kid ironically is actually going to do their job and maybe we'll talk about this but I actually believe that kids job is to have feelings and reactions because that's the only way they can learn coping skills to have more moderate
and safer versions of feelings and reactions okay so they have this feeling and reaction is going to be messy and then you can do the other part of your job which is validating your kids feelings which especially for a deeply feeling kid often comes down to three words I believe you that's it but here's
the cycle and I want to go over in order when our kid is on the verge of a meltdown or we just know we're making a decision that they're not going to like but we believe it's right we do our job we set a boundary a kid does their job they have feelings we do the second part of our job we validate their
feelings and then guess what Megan we go back to step one we continue to hold the boundary they continue to have a feeling we continue to validate the feeling while holding the boundary it's three steps we set a boundary our kid has a reaction we validate that reaction while holding the boundary here's
why this matters so much unconsciously most of us think that our job is to stop our kids feelings or to control our kids feelings so they actually feel happy with us and then we have what is called job confusion let's go back to the flight I'm just a lover of all pilot metaphors imagine going through
intense turbulence and what the pilot was saying to themselves is I have to have everyone sit down and buckle up and I have to suspend drink service and oh I just hope all the passengers are happy I hope no one's mad my job is to make sure nobody is mad when I tell them this I mean Megan me and you
would be like oh my goodness really that's what my pilot is focusing on that's not my pilots job and if you have a sturdy pilot in a way they're not that concerned with your reaction because they're actually concerned about something bigger for you your safety so they do their job of making this announcement
passengers would do their job of saying oh it's so annoying I'm not gonna get my pretzels and maybe a pilot would say oh I know it's annoying we're supposed to start drinking snacks service you must be hungry I'm so sorry but that doesn't mean I'm changing the seatbelt sign I then go back to step one
of holding my boundary with this framework the reason this changes so much is that the essence of your question is I think what's really going on in your struggle to say no is a lack of clarity of your job and so that's something I want you to repeat over and over I have two jobs boundaries and validation my
job is not to make my kid happy my job is not to end their meltdown and I promise you and you're more centered and have more conviction in your job which will take time it's like anything else it's a practice it's not going to happen overnight I promise you your kids reactions to your nose are going
to change because they feel your sturdiness they feel your edge and so that's where I would really focus okay I want to talk to you about something really exciting on October 10th I'm giving the keynote address at Hasbro's women innovators of play virtual conference and here's the most exciting part
you're invited Hasbro's mission with its annual conference is to attract more women and girls to the toy and game industry and inspire anyone with a passion for play they've panel discussions fireside chats and so much more that will leave you feeling energized educated maybe even inspired to use the skills
you learn to dip your toe in the toy and game design field or to help your kid get the most out of playtime the best part is that it's completely free to attend so join us on October 10th from 10 a .m.
to 12 30 p .m. eastern to learn more register and watch head to www .spark .hasbro .com women innovators here's something I know all of us parents we've seen the data about the impact of smartphones on kids and we're concerned but here's something else I know most of us feel helpless about what we can actually
do about it it feels unrealistic to be the only parent with strict boundaries and it feels awful to think about your kid having access to something that is dangerous for their mental health right now there's a gap we know there's a problem and we don't feel like we have a realistic solution well this is exactly
where good inside comes in when it comes to kids and phones and mental health I have good hopeful news I have developed a step by step how to give your kid a phone roadmap for you to follow so you can protect your kid's mental health and stay close and connected with them along the way yes both are possible
I'm breaking it all down in my upcoming live workshop how to give your kid a phone you'll walk away with clarity and with actionable steps that feel manageable and realistic steps that you can do today this workshop is available within the good inside app and if you've already given your kid a phone
but you're just not so happy with how it's going then think of the workshop as a perfect reset it's not too late your timing is impeccable follow the link in show notes or visit good inside .com to save your spot okay the last thing I want to talk about is how our struggle to say no to our kid connects
with our desire to raise independent capable kids because here's something I know about most parents they would say when my kid is 18 when my kid's 38 when my kid's 78 however old they are when they're out of my house I want them to feel capable I want them to feel strong I want them to feel like they
can both ask for help because that's healthy and rely on themselves for help they can do both right well how does that wish for the future relate to the dynamics around saying no to our kid when they're younger which are the years when all the circuitry is forming that will then play out in their later
years okay this might make a lot more sense when we hear from Allison so Allison let's get started.
Hi Dr. Becky my name is Allison and I have a hard time saying no to my six -year -old and eight -year -old I want to be able to meet their needs and their wants to know that I love them that they're cared for that they're in a stable healthy situation but it comes to the point where I feel like I am being
taken advantage of by my kids and I know that they are not doing it intentionally to be malicious it's just what they are for example I will be sitting in my couch in the living room my daughter will be sitting in the kitchen eating a snack and she will ask me mommy can you throw away this wrapper for me
I would have to get up from the couch pick up the wrapper from her walk around her to go to the other side of the kitchen to throw it away when it would be immensely easier for her to just walk the 10 steps to throw it away herself but since I am sitting on the couch not really doing anything in particular
I don't really reason to have to say no except for it's slightly inconvenient for me and it makes more sense for her to do it but I get up and do it because I want to reinforce that asking questions and asking for help is okay and I can always in my mind justify meeting their needs over my needs unfortunately
all right Allison I have about three hours of things I want to say to you not because this is such a huge problem but because you ping done so many different things that I think are so important so I'm going to try to organize what I'm seeing now is like the most important things something I want to
pull out for you I don't really have a reason to say no except for it's slightly inconvenient for me and it makes more sense for my kid to do it I just want to tell you that is always for me my my biggest most compelling reason for saying no so it's interesting that the same thing is kind of inconvenient
for me and it makes more sense for someone else to do it I actually think that's often the best reason we ever have for saying no so one of the things I'd ask you to reflect on and you kind of hinted at it when you said I can always justify meeting their needs over my needs and then you added unfortunately
is what's my relationship with my own needs on a scale of zero to ten zero meaning the least important thing in the world ten meaning the most important thing in the world where would I assess kind of the rating of how I relate to my own needs are they closer to a zero or closer to a ten and based on what you're
saying it sounds like they're I don't know where exactly but I would say they're closer to the zero than the ten and then saying no to your kid isn't actually that much about saying no to your kid as much as it might be about saying yes to your own needs so that's something I just want you to think
about I should also say that this is a chronic struggle for parents and yes especially for moms so many of us have learned growing up our value is around serving others our value is around distancing ourselves from our own needs because actually if we knew what we needed and if we dared to speak up
for it we might be inconvenient to other people and maybe we were most valuable to them when we just fit into their system and attuned to their needs and took care of them the whole time and yet now that we're an adult I'm going to promise you that is no longer effective that is no longer needed and it
causes us a whole lot of mental health and physical health problems so this is actually one of my favorite topics if you haven't already seen my re -parenting workshop because at the core of so many parenting struggles and we say I can't say no and tantrums are hard for me to stay calm and I don't know
how to get my kid in a good sleep routine and someone might say those are three different things I would actually say they're one thing they're one thing it comes back to what do I need as an adult and a leader do I know it can I assert it and can I start to actually see how that is the best way of loving
my kids and setting up a structure for them to thrive okay another angle I want to talk about and I'm going to say something bold I believe it but I'm also going to say it a little extra bold just to kind of for us to all to have a reaction saying no to our kids is an important way of showing our kids
we love them I'm going to say that again saying no to our kid is an important way of showing our kid that we love them because I think what's happening again unconsciously is in some way we think showing love is keeping our kid happy and those get conflated another thing that gets conflated is I want
my kid to be able to ask for help is conflated with I am actually in real life meeting every demand my kid voices I want my kids to be able to ask for help the irony is being someone who's good at asking for help inherently has another quality the awareness that I might be able to get this help from someone
else and I might not and I have to be able to tolerate those situations and if I don't I hope I don't feel completely fragile I hope I can then say okay well what am I gonna do now I'm a problem solver I know that asking for help and getting help isn't always going to happen so I'm going to ask for help
yes I feel comfortable using my voice amazing and I don't expect to always have every demand met that actually would set up a kid to really struggle in the adult world and as a general pattern doing things for our kid that we could help them learn to do for themselves isn't really an expression of love
it's an expression of making our kid's life short term easier and I say short term because it actually is very short term my kid's saying can you throw away this wrapper for me if I say no they might melt down they might whine that makes their life short term harder my life short term harder if I say
yes and get up even though I'm kind of annoyed on the couch and that'll probably all add up one day and I'll probably blow up and you know about something that you know just kind of boiled over but I say yes now and it is short term easier for me and my kid it is so short term and the reason that matters
so much is because of a general principle I think a lot about when we're raising our kids maximizing ease and happiness in childhood doesn't create well -adjusted adults maximizing ease and happiness in childhood creates entitled and fairly fragile adults and I don't mean fragile as an insult I actually
have deep deep empathy for adults who have never developed a sense of their own capability they've never been in opportunities before the age of 18 where they've said wait I can do things I don't want to do wait I can get through this hard time wait I'm disappointed I'm frustrated and that freaking
stinks and I have a pattern of knowing that I can get to the other side and when we do so many things when we say yes over and over to things that our kids could do on their own and I'm not talking about one time you want to get the wrapper for your kid one time of course I'm talking about a general
pattern what we actually steal is our kids competence we steal it and so recently I've been thinking a lot about these themes and I keep thinking you know maybe one of the best ways to show love to my kid is to be long -term greedy in parenting which means tolerating short -term disappointment and frustration as
a way of investing in my kid's future resilience and happiness that's being long -term greedy now I know what you're thinking I'm a realist too are there days where you're like I can't do that I just got to make it short -term easy yes me too and I give myself full permission and for whatever it's worth
I give you full permission to have those days I'm talking about some percentage of the time I'm going to be long -term greedy which means tolerating disappointment in the short term as a way of investing in my kid's future resilience and happiness in the long term and I want to put a script to this to
end with because as you all know I hate leaving things as ideas I want to share words that I've actually said to my kids so many times and I can't even tell you how compelling it's been to see their reaction and to see what they do next I love you so much that I'm willing to make a decision that I believe
is good for you even though you're upset with me right now right oh you won't do the you know you won't do the wrapper I know I'm not because sweetie I know you could do that for yourself oh if you loved me you would do it look sweetie I love you so much that I'm willing to make a decision that I believe
is good for you even though you're upset with me right now I mean isn't that what we all want from the people who love us the most they see a version of us that's more capable than the version we're currently in touch with and instead of colluding in our self -concept as not capable they hold space they
hold a boundary for us to bring out that confidence that's a really compelling version of parental love and when it comes to saying no that's a version I think that's worthwhile to experiment with because I think it will give you motivation to set boundaries and to tolerate your kid's distress in response
to those boundaries and maybe most compellingly it'll actually leave you feeling like those moments even though they were exhausting and tough that they were kind of like your best parental win of the day because you know that those moments really mattered so I have to end with one more thing because one
of the things I hate is the idea of a parent hearing this episode maybe having kind of light bulbs in their head because what we're actually kind of doing here is saying here's a new way to think about parental love here's a new way to think about this short term versus long term greediness and I know
if that's me when I'm listening to something I think okay how do I do that I want like steps like I can't do it all at once but like can you give me like a few steps a day and this is why I just want to make sure you know where you can turn if and when you're ready to turn this idea maybe a little spark
of motivation into actual action because it's the action that makes the change not the thoughts my Good Inside app was built for you it's a parent who says wait that's a new idea that kind of resonates but that's really hard for me and by the way of course it's hard for you it's so hard because it's
so new and so what we're doing in our app that's so different from our membership in the past is it's built for the parent who says I seriously only have time when I'm brewing my coffee or when I'm sitting on the toilet do you have something for that that leads to progress yes we are boundary and validation and family
jobs and sturdy leadership experts and we believe this is the wave of the future for parenting and we also believe that parents need a tool to deliver this and personalized ways that take no more than three to five minutes a day and so if you haven't already gone to check out our brand new app and our
amazing beautiful new homepage that features it and just tells you more I really think you should I think you should do it right now I think you should click because if for nothing else you'll have it in your back pocket for a moment when you're ready I can't wait to see you there thank you for listening
to share a story or ask me a question go to good inside .com slash podcast or you could write me at podcast at good inside .com Good inside with Dr.
Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Knapp and Kristen Muller.
I would also like to thank Erica Belsky, Mary Panico, Brooke Zant and the rest of the Good Inside team and one last thing before I let you go let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside I remain good inside so today's
episode is in partnership with Airbnb and Hasbro
