It's important to recharge, but when you go on vacation, please don't hide the key under the mat.
That's safe-ish.
We know safe-ish home security hacks don't actually work.
We just use them because they're easy.
ADT systems help keep you safe and secure and are customizable to your needs.
ADT offers tools and services like 24-7 monitoring and cameras.
You can check from virtually anywhere with the ADT Plus app.
Visit ADT.com or call 1-800-ADT-ASAP.
Don't settle for safe-ish.
Get ADT.
Let's talk about the Defender 110.
It is a vehicle built for the modern explorer.
Gretch, I have a friend who's extremely adventurous and she loves her Defender 110.
It's a vehicle that looks tough because it is tough.
The Defender boasts an exterior design for optimum durability.
It has a raised hood and sculpted grille that give the Defender 110 a modern edge.
There's 3D surround cameras with clear sight ground view that let you see underneath the vehicle and anticipate obstacles and rough terrain.
Clear sight rear view offers an unobstructed rear view even when you can't see through the back window.
Driver aid technologies make driving and parking simpler.
Intuitive driver displays are customizable to your journey.
Design your Defender 110 at LandRoverUSA.com.
Visit LandRoverUSA.com to learn more about the Defender 110.
Explore the Defender 110 at LandRoverUSA.com.
Lemonada.
Hello, we're here for more Happier, a podcast where we get happier.
If you listen regularly, you know how much I love hearing your questions and insights.
That's why I am so excited to share something new.
The first episode of my new podcast, Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin.
This is an advice podcast.
I am hosting it with my longtime friend, Lori Gottlieb.
Lori is a therapist and bestselling author.
We've known each other for years.
In this podcast.
Each week, listeners send us their questions.
The kind of dilemmas that make family dinners awkward, strain friendships or leave you lying awake at night.
I bring the perspective of happiness research, Lori brings therapy expertise.
Sometimes we agree, sometimes we don't.
In our very first episode you'll hear a thorny question about family dynamics.
That may feel uncomfortably familiar.
You'll also find out how people responded to another dilemma that divided thousands, which we posted on social media.
And you will also hear the story of how this podcast got going.
Now, do not worry.
Happier will keep going strong.
We will continue without a break.
But if you'd like to listen to an advice podcast where we take on the kinds of real life questions that don't have easy answers, Sense You Asked is here for you.
So let's listen together.
Here it is.
Episode one of the Sense You Asked podcast.
I feel guilty that I don't do more to foster his relationship with his family.
Is it okay to just say to my husband, if you don't care about this, then neither do I?
Am I doing a bad job of taking care of my family?
What do you think?
If there's one thing that the research shows is that relationships make us happy.
I think that often people think this is an in-law issue.
Maybe a way to think about it more is that it's their family.
Yeah, how do we as a couple navigate our family relationships together?
Hi, Lori.
Hi, Gretchen.
And hi, Since You Askers.
This is so exciting.
It is our very first episode of the Since You Ask podcast.
This is a podcast where we all help each other get through the challenges of everyday life.
And here we are.
It's our first episode.
And Gretchen, should we tell people how it got started?
Yes, let's explain.
For those of you who don't know, you're Gretchen Rubin.
I'm Lori Gottlieb.
And I guess it all started with a phone call not that long ago.
Yeah.
So people may not know this, but we actually went to college together.
So we were talking on the phone and we were talking about how we both love the work that we do to help people live happier lives.
And do you remember how this happened, Gretchen?
I don't even remember.
But somehow the idea came up that we should do this together.
We should join forces.
We got so excited about it.
And I think it was just a few weeks after having the idea.
We move fast.
We move fast.
Yes.
When we get excited about something, we move fast.
And ta-da, here is Since You Asked.
So what can you expect?
So we are going to be giving advice, very, very classic giving advice.
And we are also going to be asking for the input from listeners.
You listeners are a big part of this show.
That's right.
So each episode, of course, we're going to answer a few of your requests for advice.
But we're also going to shake things up with a rotating mix of special segments.
It could be anything from advice that went terribly wrong to which we could all learn from, and unsolicited advice that you wish you could give.
And we know that each and every one of us has unsolicited advice that we wish we could give someone.
This is your opportunity.
So for those of you who do not already know us, here's who we are.
Lori, you are a psychotherapist and writer.
You are the author of the blockbuster bestselling, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.
And you also write the New York Times column, Ask the Therapist.
And Gretchen, you are also a bestselling writer who explores happiness and good habits and human nature.
You're best known for your book, The Happiness Project, and you're also the host of the podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin.
So for the Since You Asked podcast, whether it's the pet peeve that has annoyed you for years, the question you're too embarrassed to ask, or the dilemma you just can't solve, we will address it all.
That we will.
And this week, we'll talk about this question of whose family are you responsible for?
And we'll report back what you said when we asked you whether to tell a friend that the person they're dating is not a good match for them.
Okay, let's jump in for a Since You Asked segment.
We'll always start each episode with one of your questions.
This week, it's a question about in-laws and family time.
It's from a listener named Laura, and it goes like this.
I live in the same city as my in-laws, my brother and sister-in-law and my mother and father-in-law.
I also live in the same city as my sister and about 20 minutes away from my parents.
I take a ton of initiative to set up time with my sister and her family and my parents.
And we will frequently have dinner together.
We occasionally go on vacation or have long weekends together.
My husband does not take that initiative.
And I feel guilty that I don't do more to foster his relationship with his family.
So I don't necessarily reach out to them and invite them over.
I sort of think that that's his job to do.
And I don't go out of my way to set up time for my kids to see the grandparents on that side.
Because again, I sort of assume that that's my husband's job to do and I don't need to get into the middle of it.
But am I doing a disservice to my kids?
Am I doing a bad job of taking care of my family and keeping things equal?
Is it okay to just say like to my husband, if you don't care about this, then neither do I?
What do you think?
Thank you.
Interesting question.
It is.
This is something that we hear so much from friends, from other family members.
I hear this in therapy all the time.
Who is responsible for maintaining the relationships or dealing with anything that has to do with the in-laws?
And I think in general, the division of emotional labor falls more heavily on women.
And it seems like we don't really know what's going on with him.
Maybe he feels like she's just going to do it.
And so I don't need to think about it.
Or maybe there's a reason that he's not as enthusiastic about seeing them as much as the other in-laws are being seen.
I think it's important just to say to him hey, I've noticed that we have this pattern in our marriage around our parents.
How would you like it to go?
I absolutely agree.
At the heart of it, this is about relationships.
And if there's one thing that the research shows is that relationships make us happy.
And from Laura's question it sounds a little bit like she's thinking it's his family and her family.
And maybe a way to think about it more is that it's their family and talking about.
Well, what do we want our relationship with our family to look like?
And how would it be fair to set that up?
Because, as she says, it's her children's relationships, but it's also her relationships to his family, rather than just sort of saying like I'll do mine, you do yours.
And if it's not important to you, it's not important to me.
She said if you don't care about this, neither do I.
Well, maybe she has her own reasons for caring about it, because they are all extended families.
Yeah, I completely agree with that.
I think that often people think this is an in-law issue, but really it's a how do we want our family's relationships to be issue?
It's kind of a couple's issue of how do we as a couple navigate our family relationships together.
Which is a much more helpful way to think about it.
You know, it's just much more appealing.
It's a way to frame it.
Now, to be clear, if there is a problem...
Like, if there's an issue that needs to be raised, something sensitive or difficult, then I think if it's your parents, it's your conversation to have.
It's not for the in-law to have.
But this is more about making plans and spending time together.
Yeah.
A lot of times you get a different issue, which is your parent is being problematic in this way.
And you both agree that that's happening.
But the person whose parent it is, is too afraid or hesitant to talk to their own parent about it.
In that case, you really do need to talk to your own parent about it.
You can't make your partner do that.
But the fact is, it's a huge amount of work to make arrangements.
I mean anybody who's just scheduling knows it is really a lot of time and energy to keep track of.
When are we going?
What did you say?
Do we need to accommodate?
It really can feel burdensome.
So maybe you're having your conversation with your husband to find out where he's coming from.
And maybe another thing that you two could talk about is are there ways to make it easier for the whole family to stay in touch?
A standing dinner once a month so that you're not constantly having it moving around the calendar, but you just sort of know that it's coming.
Or maybe you're inviting your family to some event.
Maybe you're like, okay, well, maybe we could invite his side as well.
Looking for ways to do it without making it too much of an extra task, because it is a lot of work to make those kinds of plans.
And having systems in place just takes a lot of that emotional burden away and that kind of logistical burden away.
Yes.
And the decision fatigue of, well, when are we going to do it?
If it's every Sunday night or the last Sunday of the month or something.
It just makes things easier.
Right.
And what's really nice about that too, is that research shows that people's relationships with their grandparents can be really fundamental to their lives and really formative.
And so if you do have that standing dinner, it's like your kids will remember that you are fostering those relationships between grandparents and grandchildren.
Right.
And you're also modeling a behavior for your children, which is that we don't have size.
Yeah.
I mean, Lori, I cannot wait to hear people's responses.
Yes, we want to know what you think.
So please tell us what you think.
And for info on how to weigh in or submit your own question, go to thesinceyouaskedpodcast.com.
In this segment, we will hear from you in our segment called Wisdom of Crowds, where we will highlight a question on social media and then share your responses here.
Our first question was if a close friend is dating someone very seriously and you don't think it's a good match for whatever reason.
Now, to be clear no big red flags, it just seems like a bad match.
Would you say something?
Now, again, there's nothing that's harmful or dangerous.
It's just you don't think it's a good match.
And we got thousands of responses from all of you, and there was a clear winner.
56% of you said they would say something only if the other person asked.
33% said, no, it's not my place.
10% said, yes, the person deserves honesty.
And 2% said they would only do it if it affected them.
And we wanted to know why.
So hundreds of you shared your own experiences of dealing with this question, and we're going to highlight a few.
The winner of our poll, as you know, was 56% only if they asked, And Carol shared this example.
She said, usually I wouldn't, but once I did.
She asked me what I thought and, before I could check my mouth, out came as long as you're okay with him never reading a story to your kids.
My friend was an avid reader and the man thought books were a waste of space.
It must have resonated.
He disappeared from her life really fast.
So the person didn't ask, but it worked out okay anyway.
33% said, no, it's not my place.
Allura wrote, I've asked, are you happy?
And that question worked wonders in prompting reflection.
That's interesting.
I love that because it sort of makes her serve as a mirror for the friend.
And then the friend can think, well, am I?
Am I happy?
Yes, rather than saying something that could be seen as judgment.
Mary said, Sounds like Mary wishes she hadn't said anything.
Yeah.
And Roy said, I wouldn't say anything.
What I see as a mismatch.
Like music, preferences might be surface level and not reflect their actual connection.
That's a great point.
I think that's so true.
You never know what's important to somebody in a relationship that maybe isn't as important to them as it is to you.
And then there's that 10% of people who said, yes, they deserve honesty.
So Anna shared, yes, because of the blinder factor of a new crush.
Being a good friend is telling the truth, even when it's uncomfortable or risky.
Better to raise the flag now, consequences aside, before it's too late to share insights or help.
Some of you commented that you did give your honest opinions and now you've changed your mind about whether that was a good idea.
Catherine wrote, I did once and it forever changed our friendship.
She married him a couple years later.
We were lifelong friends and I thought it was appropriate to share what I was seeing.
I was wrong and won't do it again.
And Pamela said, I've been in this position.
Even just repeating what she said about him caused a huge wedge in our friendship.
Years later, she married him.
And now I value his friendship too.
So she weighed in, thought it drove a huge wedge, but then it all worked out and they all became friends.
That's a great outcome.
This is why we got so many different responses in the poll, because there's never one right answer to this.
So many variations.
And what we hadn't considered was what happens to the people who are on the receiving end of this advice.
Mm-hmm.
So we heard from Melanie and Melanie said, I've been on the other side.
People were upset with my sweetheart, now husband, and blame my exit from the Mormon church on him.
It didn't improve any relationships in any instance or in any amount.
It's so interesting to see the range.
Gretchen, if you were taking the poll, what would be your answer?
Well, I would answer only if they asked.
I do have two friends whose relationship ended because one friend, without being asked, gave her honest opinion and the relationship never recovered.
But I do like that question from Allura.
Are you happy?
Because as you say, it can be a mirror that can help somebody kind of self-reflect.
Yeah.
Reflect on how happy they are.
I agree with that.
And I think we're specifying there are no big red flags because in that case, it's more complicated.
But I think when there aren't big red flags it's easy to forget that what might seem like a problem to you about somebody else's partner might not bother them at all.
And they might have different priorities than you have in choosing a partner.
So for me this is a reminder that before we give advice we might want to do a little perspective taking.
One of my favorite phrases is, it's not a bug, it's a feature.
And something that you consider to be a bug may be a feature to somebody else in their relationship.
So we don't always know what other people want or seek.
Well, we love hearing your thoughts.
So we will be sharing more questions like this one.
Check out our social media channels and we will be highlighting your responses on the podcast.
Coming up.
We answer a letter that just about all of us have struggled with in one form or another, many times in our lives.
But first, this break.
Let's talk about the Defender 110.
It is a vehicle built for the modern explorer.
Gretch, I have a friend who's extremely adventurous and she loves her Defender 110.
It's a vehicle that looks tough because it is tough.
The Defender boasts an exterior design for optimum durability.
It has a raised hood and sculpted grille that give the Defender 110 a modern edge.
There's 3D surround cameras with clear sight ground view that let you see underneath the vehicle and anticipate obstacles and rough terrain.
Clear sight rear view offers an unobstructed rear view even when you can't see through the back window.
Driver aid technologies make driving and parking simpler.
Intuitive driver displays are customizable to your journey.
Design your Defender 110 at LandRoverUSA.com.
Visit LandRoverUSA.com to learn more about the Defender 110.
Explore the Defender 110 at LandRoverUSA.com.
It's important to recharge, but when you go on vacation, please don't hide the key under the mat.
That's safe-ish.
We know safe-ish home security hacks don't actually work.
We just use them because they're easy.
ADT systems help keep you safe and secure and are customizable to your needs.
ADT offers tools and services like 24-7 monitoring and cameras.
You can check from virtually anywhere with the ADT Plus app.
Visit ADT.com or call 1-800-ADT-ASAP.
Don't settle for Sayfish.
Get ADT.
And now we're back to answer this question, Since You Asked.
Cordelia, you asked, I noticed that my partner and I keep falling into the same argument traps.
For example, planning ahead versus waiting to decide, wanting to travel versus preferring to save money, etc.
I don't think either of us is out to change the other person.
So can we change our communication or approach or something else to avoid having variations of the same arguments over and over?
Well, I love the fact that Cordelia is saying that they aren't out to change the other person, because one of the things is there is no one right way.
And a lot of times people do get caught up in trying to convince each other that they are right and that their way is better, instead of just understanding that people have different perspectives.
People have different values.
Planning versus spontaneity.
Some people love to plan like me.
Some people love spontaneity.
I don't want any spontaneity at all.
And just recognizing that it's how we communicate what we want, rather than trying to change each other's minds.
Yeah.
And the question she's asking, which is a great one, is how can we change our communication?
Because whatever they've been doing has not been working.
Right.
I think sometimes we think we love each other and we're so on the same page about everything, but there's still this otherness of our partners.
And we need to give up the idea of changing the way another person fundamentally thinks or feels or moves through the world, and instead figure out how do we work with each other's different styles.
Well, can I just say I love this idea of premarital therapy?
That sounds so wise to me because it's true.
You can really work through these differences ahead of time with supervision.
I mean, I think back in my life, I had love at first sight with my husband, Jamie.
We got engaged very fast.
We talked about nothing.
It was so irresponsible.
Now, we got lucky, but many people find out later that they have important disagreements.
It would have been a great idea to work these things out in advance.
Many of these conflicts are very predictable, so you know what to talk about.
Yeah.
And either people don't see them before they commit to each other or they just ignore them.
They think it'll all work itself out.
Someone might want to have kids and the other one might not really want to have kids or live in a certain city that the other one doesn't really want to live in.
And they think, ah, that other person will come around.
But you really need to have these conversations and talk about it.
So let's talk about how Cordelia might be able to talk about this differently.
Yeah, on the practical level, one way to think about as you're having your communication is you want to talk about it in a cool, calm moment where you can both reflect and share what you want, where you're coming from, what your perspectives are, what kind of situations you're seeking.
A lot of times these kinds of things come up when you feel pressed for time or you need to make a decision quickly or you're hungry.
Or it's the end of the day and you're both exhausted, or there's a lot going on and you end up sniping at each other instead of having a calm, reflective conversation where you're really taking a moment to try to see the situation through someone else's perspective.
And I think that part of that is the orientation of coming from a place of curiosity.
Yes, I love that word.
We have to remember that we think we know our partners so well, but they had a couple of decades at least before we met them, to form their own ideas about how things should be and what their preferences are and how they feel about things and why.
So if you really understand, for example, what is it about money that makes him anxious?
Or what is it about planning that stresses him out?
When you understand their history, you can feel more compassionate about the other person's perspective.
So it doesn't feel like they're being rigid or annoying.
It feels like, oh, that makes sense in the context of who they are.
And they have good reasons for that.
And I also have reasons for my way of moving through the world.
And then what can we do differently now to get both of our needs met?
But maybe we have to do something where sometimes my needs get met in a certain way and this person doesn't participate in that with me, or we find a way to do something differently together.
Right, because it's not a question of who's right or who's wrong.
It's a question of how do we create circumstances where we both thrive, and that can look different in different situations.
And, you know, I think that with a longtime partner, we assume that we know everything about them.
We understand where they're coming from.
And we assume that they understand us and where we're coming from.
But often we don't.
And when we understand, then we have more compassion.
I think that's a great point.
Yeah, absolutely.
And I think most people know that they need to communicate, but they just don't know how to do that effectively.
So they end up like Cordelia did in the same argument or the same conversation over and over.
So I think our suggestions are don't be hungry or pressed for time.
Approach with curiosity, understand the why and then find ways to respect the differences where you can each get your needs met, even if you don't always agree.
Yes.
Now, that is very good advice.
Laurie, I think you and I would say that's good advice, but sometimes advice goes wrong.
So we have asked you, the listeners, to share instances where you either ignored good advice or followed bad advice.
On social media, we ask the question, sometimes advice goes wrong.
What's an example of a time when you ignored good advice or gave or followed bad advice?
Yeah, I think people don't really want to talk about when advice went wrong, but we can all learn so much from each other by hearing about the times when it didn't go the way we planned it to go.
And then we can do something differently next time.
Exactly.
We can learn from other people's mistakes.
And in fact research shows that a really good way to teach someone an important lesson about how to make the right choice is to give them actual, concrete examples of when someone made the wrong choice beforehand and what that looked like.
Because a lot of times we think, oh, I would never do that.
But then we don't recognize it in a particular situation if we don't have an illustration.
And I have a funny example of this from my own life.
I started my career in law, and I was a summer associate at a law firm.
And the instruction was, never use the letterhead of the firm for your personal correspondence.
And they said... you will think to yourself, I would never think to do that.
Why in the world would I, for personal correspondence, use the firm's letterhead?
There was somebody who traveled abroad with his family and had a bad experience at a hotel and, using the firm's letterhead, not thinking about it he wrote to the hotel about how he had a bad experience.
Cut to turns out, the hotel chain was a major client of the firm and it created a lot of very serious awkwardness.
And I've never forgotten that story, because hearing how somebody just unthinkingly reached for the wrong paper in the printer led to this big problem.
So learning from other people's mistakes and bad advice situations can be very illuminating.
Yes, I love that a way to give good advice is to explain when something went wrong.
Yes.
Illustration is better than instruction, perhaps.
Yes.
And we have a bunch of them here.
So we asked you when you had this experience.
And here are some examples.
So Jane said, I'm a GP.
And before I had my own kids, I gave so much bad parenting advice to my patients.
I actually really want to know what the bad advice was.
Yes.
Yes, I know.
Shelly said I moved from a small apartment in a great location to a big apartment in a dud location.
Against all advice.
Okay.
And related to moving.
Sarah said I bought a home before I was ready because everyone said get in the housing market now.
That's something people say all the time.
And I think that that's one of the things that you have to know what your own specific situation is.
But when people make blanket statements like that with advice...
I think really good advice is tailored toward the person and their particular experience, and not this is the advice for everybody.
Rose said I kept my amazing kid in a mean environment because all advised it would make her more resilient.
Bad advice.
It backfired.
Jess wrote, in college, my aunt convinced me to drop my English major and major in something else.
I wanted to be a writer, but had the worst writer's block.
My aunt was trying to help me, but I wish she had just told me to push through the first paper instead of dropping English.
Both of these comments are good examples of the importance of trusting yourself and your own instincts.
It's so easy to think that, oh, somebody else knows better.
Surely their advice is good.
Because sometimes with all the best intentions and out of so much love, people can lead us astray.
We always have to think about that when we're considering someone else's advice.
Especially when we're younger, we think that well, if somebody's older than us, they must have more life experience and know what to do.
But sometimes we really do know what to do.
Well, and along those lines, this comes from Christy.
She wrote.
In 1988 I got offered a summer internship on the copy desk in Brussels for the Wall Street Journal.
My journalism advisor said I absolutely could not take it because I had already committed to an internship at a small daily newspaper in Rhode Island.
I think his advice was just terrible.
The big paper experience would have opened so many doors professionally and I would have spent the summer in Europe.
I am so bummed that I listened to him.
But again it's like somebody who's very well-meaning and you're young and you think well, they know the world of work, but you know they're not always right.
They're not always right.
And then we got a really unique story with a very universal reminder.
This is from Lisa.
She said, as a kindergartner I was nervous about having to walk up our long farm lane by myself after getting off the school bus.
What if there's a snake?
I asked my mother.
There won't be, she said.
But what if there is, I said.
Then throw a rock at it and it will go away, was her advice.
Very first day, I had to walk up the lane by myself.
There was a snake.
I tried to throw rocks to move it, but the snake remained.
Unbeknownst to my six-year-old self, it had been run over by a vehicle and was quite dead.
Yes, that's such a good reminder.
That's a great illustration of that point.
Yeah.
And sometimes, even if we don't take bad advice, just having someone else's bad advice in our head can distract us and make us doubt ourselves.
I remember years ago, when I was much earlier in my career as a writer, I was talking to another writer that I respected a lot.
And she said, well, what is your subject?
And I said, well, my subject is human nature.
And she kind of waved her hand and said, oh, that can't be your subject.
That's way too broad.
And I didn't take her advice to find another subject.
I consider that to be my subject.
But her dismissiveness in that moment it sat in the back of my mind and really made me uneasy for a very long time.
It's like, why was I listening to that drive-by comment?
That advice can get in our head.
Yeah.
And I think sometimes the advice is what somebody would do for themselves and they're not thinking about what would be good for you.
And so many times I hear people say things that their parents said to them that was well-meaning advice, but it's because their parents had a different risk tolerance, or their parents had a different worldview, or whatever it might be.
And that was good advice for that parent, but not necessarily for the person that kid grew up to be.
Well, you know, in my case I kind of wonder.
Maybe that writer was thinking darn it.
I should have that be my subject.
It's kind of her subject, too.
So maybe it was a little bit of, oh, darn it.
I didn't know you could do that.
Right, right.
You never know where somebody else is coming from with advice.
Take it under advisement.
Yes.
So we want to hear more of your advice gone wrong.
To send in your answer, go to thesinceyouaskedpodcast.com.
And have you ever been tempted to give unsolicited advice?
Well, we're here for it.
Coming up.
There's something about a love story that takes your breath away, not because it's perfect, but because it's impossible.
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That's not just romance, that's survival, that's destiny.
That's exactly what you'll feel watching bow artists at war.
The Film opens September 26th, and you can visit bowmovie.com to see the trailers.
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Audible's romance collection has something to satisfy every side of you.
I absolutely love romances.
I always have.
When we went to England and did our walking trip through the Lake District Gretchen, I listened to a wonderful romance called You Are Here.
It was so great to listen about the place and be in the place.
And I could, you know, listen while I was packing, listen on the plane.
It just got me in the mood.
Audible has thousands of titles, so you can listen to whatever audiobook you're in the mood for.
You can find the book boyfriend in the city, or another on the hockey field.
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Slash happier.
And now let's talk about some unsolicited advice.
In this segment, we discuss advice we wish we could give to someone who may or may not be receptive.
And we dig into when to know whether to give it.
I mean, I faced this myself because a friend of mine's husband has very bad breath.
And I think maybe she's just used to it.
Maybe she doesn't realize it, but it's very persistent.
I wish I could say something, but I will not.
And you'd be saying something not critically, but because you really want to help him.
And also when you're around him, it would make it a much more pleasant experience for you.
So that's the unsolicited advice I wish that I could give.
And we asked you what's some advice you wish you could give someone that you think would really help.
But for whatever reason, you're holding back.
Here's how you responded.
One of you wrote, I wish I could tell my friend how truly toxic her relationship is.
My newlywed cousin, do not get a dog together before having a baby.
I wish I could tell my friend that she talks too much.
Your job is slowly killing you.
Your family is missing who you used to be.
That's a very nice way of giving unsolicited advice.
I think that's very caring.
Very loving.
I wish I could kindly tell a colleague to speak less and listen more.
Yeah, coming from a place of kindness, but it's still hard to say.
Yes.
When I was training to be a therapist, one of our supervisors said, you have two ears and one mouth.
There's a reason for that ratio.
And I think we could all remember that.
Yes.
And related to that.
One of you said how inconsiderate it is to only talk about themselves and not ask any questions.
Okay.
I think we're beginning to see a theme.
Yes.
A theme of talking too much about yourself, not listening.
Someone else said, I wish my friend would take an anxiety screener.
Oh, that's somebody wishing that somebody could get some help.
Yeah.
And that just shows a lot of times the unsolicited advice comes from a place of wanting to help.
And sometimes it comes from a place of wanting to control.
And we have to see when that difference happens.
Right.
Is it judgmental or is it helpful?
Another one of you wrote, my friend's wardrobe makes her look frumpy and she's so beautiful.
That's hard to say.
That really is hard to say.
I wish I could tell my sister that she is not the expert on every topic or subject.
I think that happens with a lot of siblings.
Another one of you said, I wish I could tell my mom to get her hair professionally cut and colored.
Similar to the other person who wanted to tell her friend that she's so beautiful that her wardrobe needs an upgrade.
Mm-hmm.
Another, I wish I could tell my mother-in-law that it hurts she never asks questions about my life.
Again, that theme is coming up of wanting connection and someone not listening.
Another one, I wish my friend was not always so negative and skeptical whenever we meet.
It's a downer.
And there's a line between wanting to be real with somebody and wanting to be authentic, versus always sort of complaining and being negative.
Well, the negativity bias means that we tend to naturally focus on the negative.
And so sometimes you have to really make an effort not to get sucked into the negativity bias.
Yes.
A lot of people will kind of roll their eyes when you say write down five things that you're grateful for.
But it really helps you.
Another, instead of deflecting when complimented, just own it and say, thank you.
I agree with that.
I think it's so hard for people to take compliments.
A lot of times people will say, oh, no, I really don't look that way.
Or no, it was somebody else's idea or somebody else really helped me with that, which is kind, but be able to say thank you.
Oh, and here's an interesting one.
I wish I could tell my neighbor to leave her cheating husband.
She's giving a lot of leeway.
Okay, that you cannot say.
That one seems like something that you would not offer up that advice if you were not asked for sure.
See, I disagree.
If she doesn't know that her husband is cheating, I think she would want to know that.
That's always a tough one.
Like, do you tell someone if you know that their partner is being unfaithful?
Are you the one to deliver that?
She said she's giving a lot of leeway, which suggests to me that she's letting a lot of things slide, so that she does know.
But we don't know.
We need more information.
We do need more information.
It's always confounding to us when people are in situations that we think well, I wouldn't stay in that situation.
But again, this goes back to, do you tell your friend that their partner isn't right for them?
I think everybody has their own reasons for doing things that we find confusing.
Oh, and here's one with a much less fraught situation.
I wish I could tell someone I vaguely know that the word enroll E-N-R-O-L-L on his website is misspelled as enroll with only one L, I think.
Just say that.
I think that's the kind of unsolicited advice people want to hear.
Yeah, it's not personal and it's actually helpful.
And then finally, I follow the work of the terrific writer Kate Bowler on Substack and in her Everything Happens newsletter she just happened to post about this question.
And she wrote here's what I would say if I were your friend and not afraid of hurting your feelings.
Your life isn't inherently more meaningful if you're busy all the time.
Unsolicited advice can be so tricky.
And so we want to hear more of your experiences, because we also think we can learn a lot from what people wish they could tell other people.
See if any of that resonates with any of you, if any of you feel like you would like to be saying that, or maybe you feel like somebody would like to be saying that to you, and how you might receive that.
And we might feature it on an upcoming episode.
But before we go, we have a quick recommendation to hold you over.
I just recommended this excellent book to a friend because I think it's so great.
And I think I've read this book three or four times.
It is called Best Friends, Worst Enemies.
Understanding the Social Lives of Children by Michael Thompson.
I think this is an excellent resource if you have a child who's having issues with friends.
And finally, here's a question we'll tackle in our next episode, and we'd love for you to weigh in.
This one's from Rebecca.
And since you asked, next episode, we'll discuss your question.
It goes like this.
I have a very close-knit family who communicate daily via a family text thread that includes my elderly parents myself, my husband, my son, my sister and my brother.
My sister lives near my elderly parents who are in poor health and she helps them a great deal with daily living tasks.
I live about four hours away and visit monthly to help out as much as I can.
My brother lives two days away and visits annually.
The problem is that my sister's frustration with her unequal caregiving responsibilities is manifesting itself in some very judgmental comments on the family texts.
My husband, who also received the text, has commented that he often feels uncomfortable with the tone of the text in the family chat.
Recently, for instance, my sister texted to the entire family that she felt she was quote leaving behind small children, meaning her parents, when she went out of town on a much-needed vacation.
When I have privately commented on her unkind words.
She says that she quote is just being honest and my brother and I quote need to learn to confront mom and dad like she does.
How can I communicate to my sister that I appreciate all of her hard work for our parents while at the same time firmly telling her that her comments are hurtful?
In other words, how can I establish better boundaries in the family chat?
This is such an interesting question.
I cannot wait to see and hear from the Since You Askers with their take.
I have many thoughts.
I do too.
And that's it for today.
Since You Askers, we really want you to weigh in.
You are a big part of this show.
To get in touch, go to thesinceyouaskedpodcast.com.
Follow us on each of our social media accounts or check the show notes.
And if our discussions today have struck a chord with you, we'd love to hear how it was helpful for you or for someone in your life.
And remember whether this podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh.
We're glad you're here.
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And if you're so inclined, please take a moment to rate or review the show.
It really does make a huge difference.
From the Onward Project.
If you've been keeping up with the podcast, you know that last month, Elizabeth and I went on our first ever reading retreat, which was amazing.
It was so fun just eating, reading, and sleeping all day every day.
No sightseeing, no scheduling, no stress.
And it got us thinking that you could really turn anything into a themed retreat.
You could go biking.
You could go hiking.
You could do a board game retreat with friends or a binge-watching retreat.
Whatever you're into, it's all about blocking out time and dedicating yourself to something you love.
And while you're away, why not host your home on Airbnb?
It's an easy, flexible way to take in some extra cash and make the most of your space.
And who knows, that cozy reading nook that you enjoy in your house day to day could be the site of someone else's first annual reading retreat.
Your home might be worth more than you think.
Find out how much at Airbnb.com slash host.
