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That's my studio.
Hello, everyone.
I am so excited to be with you for another Dear Headspace
episode.
And today I am joined by Rosie and Headspace Coach Cory,
or as I like to call him Coach Cory,
and we are going to be answering questions
about how to navigate life when you are still growing,
how to handle a breakup when you are the one who caused it.
And since it's still mental health awareness month,
which we have to give a big yay for that, yay!
We have a question about handling a coworker
who is in your business and stressing you out.
Lots of wisdom come in our way folks,
so let's get the show on the road.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teach
on Speed Dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast
where I sit with a meditation teacher
and we answer your questions.
Hey you two.
Hello.
Hello.
I can already tell this is going to be a chatty Dear Headspace.
It is.
How y'all doing?
I'm doing great.
How are you doing Cory?
I can't complain.
I'm excited to be here.
Yeah, it's great.
I love how you say it with that Zen,
but I can't complain.
I'm excited to be here.
Meanwhile, I'm like in my head, I'm like,
but I still do.
Yeah.
Okay, well, as I mentioned at the top,
May is Mental Health Awareness Month.
So we're taking another question about caring
for our mental health.
And this one is about stress in the workplace.
So here's Brian.
Hey, I'm Brian from Los Angeles.
And I'm struggling with a coworker
and it's really stressing me out.
They're constantly in my business
or micromanaging me or setting me up in front of the boss.
What I want to know is how do I communicate or email with them
and not sound like a jerk,
but also stand up for myself.
Wow.
Brian, I thank you for this question.
I love a workplace question
because it can be so difficult
to navigate relationships at work.
And you spend oftentimes 40 hours a week
with people that are your coworkers.
Sometimes like, maybe more than your family.
So they can be formative and difficult relationships.
So I'm really interested to hear
what you all think about this one.
It's so interesting because I had a situation like this
in my, I want to say one of the first teaching jobs I had
where I was working at a studio
and I was having a really difficult time
with the head director.
And it just seemed like the issues were always directed
towards me and in this sort of roundabout way,
you know, I'll give an example.
The director would often go to our classes,
meditation classes.
And I would notice that the director would always give
the other teachers really great constructive feedback.
And for me, it was always passive aggressive.
And it was just a really interesting experience.
And I just thought, well, everybody else has known
each other for a long time.
I'm new, you know, and maybe I just have a different style
and that's okay.
But then it turned into a little bit more like,
just was always a little bit nitpicky.
And it started to feel that way to me.
But I actually did get really great advice
from my acupuncturist at the time.
You were just talking to everybody.
I was talking to everybody.
I was having a, you know, I have a really difficult time
with conflict because I am very confrontational.
You know, I'm not in a negative way.
I'm like, I always say I'm all about a mindful,
non-aggressive confrontation because I like to deal
with issues right away.
I don't like to let things loom.
I wanna talk it out.
I don't like to hold on to things like that.
And so my acupuncturist had said,
the next time you see her, just bring it up and say,
hey, I've noticed that the last couple of times
we've interacted, you've had a lot of specific feedback
that feels a little bit passive aggressive to me.
And I feel like you're not giving the same type
of feedback to everybody else.
So I feel a little bit isolated in that experience.
Why do you think that is?
Oh, why do you think that is?
Is it a nice little bomb at the end?
Right. So it's like, why do you think,
like I'm feeling this way or you're picking on me
a little bit, like why do you think that is?
Because then you're not allowed, you're not saying,
it didn't happen, you're saying it did happen.
I'm just trying to get where you're coming from.
Right.
Versus making it be a debate.
Right. And she instantly responded, you know,
with, oh, I'm really sorry.
You know, I just, I really want to just hold you up
to the standards as the other teachers.
And I'm like, okay, I'm like the other teachers.
We all have the same amount of experience.
But even in that apology, non-apology, it was still there.
And so I realized for myself, okay,
I've spoken my piece and I've said a boundary,
she knows that I'm aware of her actions.
Yeah.
Now, obviously, maybe this is just a part of her way of being,
this is her way of interacting with the world.
And I had to accept that.
But after that, I never had an issue with her
critiquing me in that way again.
So what I did, and if I'm giving my guidance on this,
you know, to a student or somebody that's asking
or going through the same experience,
I would say to focus on that, you know, just,
for me, I have to say something.
So if you're the type of person that wants to address it,
address it in a very mindful way, address it,
focusing on your experience in a way employ them
to acknowledge your experience.
Yeah.
You don't need to go into the details if you don't have to,
but in my experience, not focusing on the negatives,
trying to connect and in a way being strategic
about how you do it.
That would be my opinion.
That's great.
And you know what I love about that when I want to like,
parse out of that, is that like so many people
either ignore it and bury it or go above the person.
And they don't give, they don't have that level setting
first conversation with people where you're like,
like, like, because I'm always like,
you've got to give them one chance to be different.
And where you say these are my boundaries,
this is the behavior you're doing that's affecting me.
And then, but you just gave such a clean way to do that.
And I really love that.
The other day, ironically, I was speaking to a friend
and she brought up a really good point.
She was telling me one thing that I do is internally,
I tell myself that I'm sending love and light to that person.
And not just for the sake of the relationship,
whether it's romantic or professional,
or whatever it may be, but more so internally,
releasing a lot of the buildup that comes across
in these tense situations.
Now, obviously, there are real world realities.
And I can send as much love and light as I can to someone.
And I can still get to work and they can metaphorically
slide me across the face.
Oh, that's better.
That's better.
So it is trying to find that right balance,
which is why I kind of struggled a little bit
as I was listening.
I was like, I want to be intentional,
but I also want to take care of self.
And I think it is finding that balance.
Of course, as you said, Rosie, approaching them
from a strategic and empathetic perspective.
And also at the same time, knowing that there's only
so much that can be done externally.
At some point, you do have to turn inward and say,
OK, if this person, if I'm going to work here
for the next five years and this person's
going to work here for the next five years
and we're locked in together, how can I protect myself
in the meantime?
So that does look like filling up a lot of your own bucket.
And again, I say all this from,
also my own perspective and experience
because I had a similar experience
where I had a direct supervisor, jobs, many jobs ago.
And it was a similar situation, no matter what I did,
it was always like the passive aggressive.
And she knew that she was in a position to, let's say,
let me go or not let me go.
Like it was that kind of dynamic.
So I had to tow that line between being
intentional and really reaching out to her.
But at the same time, you know,
in court, there's no so much that you can do in this space.
So how are you going to protect yourself?
And that's going to look different from person to person.
Yeah, that's such a great point.
And it's such great advice because I often feel like I'm a people,
I'm a recovering people, please.
So I get into this place where I want everybody I work
with to like me.
And I feel like there are certain situations
where you're not always, you're not going to be all things
to all people.
And I think that form of acceptance is really healthy
for you to set boundaries to protect your peace.
Yeah.
Definitely.
And also I think as I was talking about all the internal stuff
that we could do in Rosie was talking about, you know,
like the more strategic external things that could be done,
in my mind, I was like, keep the receipts.
Like especially when you're forced to continue being
in this space with someone, there's little that anyone can do
if you keep track of everything that you're doing in this space.
So even if they, you know, bring up things about you
to the supervisor, what if the supervisor checks your work
and you have everything, you know, all the eyes dotted
and, you know, T's crossed, what can be done, right?
It's just an added layer of, again,
speaking from, speaking.
I love a good, I love a good journal and an email folder
where you're banking things that are said.
Like I love a screenshot.
I love all that protection.
If you got to go that route, it's nice to have that information.
Just put that there.
Well, Brian, thank you for your question.
And we really appreciate it.
And we hope that your, your work days get better and smoother.
And if they don't come work with us, how about that?
We'll take you.
Okay, here's our next question from Sophia.
Hello, dear headspace.
My name is Sophia and I'm sending you this audio from Portugal.
I wanted to ask you for advice on how to navigate our lives
when we are still in the process of healing.
I've realized through therapy that many big decisions
I made as a young adult were conditioned by an inner child
that still needs standing to.
Ultimately, I was seeking love and support,
validation in a sense of the one thing
that weren't necessarily given to me unconditionally
when growing up.
And that meant that my decisions weren't aligned
with my true sense of self, but a wounded part of me
that I'm trying to work with in therapy.
Although there is increased awareness around this topic,
I am afraid of repeating this patterns
of making decisions not for myself,
but for the wrong reasons because this I've influenced
for instance, the college degree I chose to pursue
as well as the standards I set for myself
and my professional life.
So, ultimately, I would love to hear if you have some
piece of advice to try to live in our full potential
in an authentic way.
When we are still working our way up
to becoming exactly this empowered version of ourselves,
thank you so much.
Oh, this is a big question, Sophia.
But right out the gate, you guys,
I'm hearing Sophia say there's a finish line
and I don't want to be the one to bring the bad news here,
but I don't think there is a finish line.
Like battered up, broken, like a little 12-year-old robin
with the bad pixie haircut that my mom gave me,
a little bowl cut that was uneven.
She's still in there.
She's still in there in her seventies jeans.
And she's going to be with me forever
and she lurks and pops her head whenever she wants to.
Whenever she feels like it.
Yeah, I love that.
It's so funny.
I was just going through some old boxes.
We're kind of rearranging some things in our storage
and I went through this box that I haven't gone through
in 20 years.
And I found a bunch of old pictures
and I found this picture of myself in the seventh grade.
And I was like, who is this little child?
She's 12 and so sassy and so punk rock.
But yeah, she's also still there.
And wow, I never would have thought, right?
It's like life takes us in so many different directions.
And you know, the thing that I hear,
Sophia, that strikes me the most.
And I'm curious what my peers here think.
What I heard is there's almost a fear of going backward.
And I think when we make a change
because it's unfamiliar and uncharted territory,
we often have the fear of regressing
and falling into the same habits.
And I think that's really an interesting thing
to peel the layers back on
because all of us experience that, right?
We do something new that feels really good
instead of focusing on the good feeling
and moving forward.
We're like, oh, this feels so good.
I don't want it to go away.
Yeah.
Right?
So then you start to go into that fear
and then you start to go into the file cabinet
of the mind and pull of other times this felt similar.
And I felt backwards on this.
And I was, you know, I'm going to say the people pleasingly,
but I chose this degree because my parents wanted me to do this.
And I chose this path because everybody wanted this.
But now that I'm my own person
and following my own pursuits and my dreams, it feels good.
But I'm afraid that I'm going to somehow not be strong enough
to move forward.
And I know I've felt that and I'm curious, Robin and Corey,
if you've felt that.
I was going to say this is like every time I've lost weight
and I'm like, I better not throw out these fat clothes
because I might blow it again.
I might feel like right back here in 10 minutes
because it's like it's the fear of the other shoe dropping
is real.
It's real.
Having that fear is a natural thing.
I think it's normal for a lot of us
because we have the desire to succeed.
And I think the most important remedy for this,
if there was one in terms of mindfulness,
is to really give yourself self-compassion
and give yourself the space to just be in this experience.
And when those thoughts of regressing come in
to just let them be present and then let them go on
and not set up camp in your space.
Yeah.
Definitely.
It was this question.
I feel like it's so universal.
Just listening, it hit me in all the fields,
all of the feelings because it has been integral to my life
as far as my own healing journey.
Like, Corey, are you really going in the direction
you want to go in or unbeknownst to you?
Are you taking steps back?
It is such a delicate balance because progress
can feel so wrong.
Moving back can feel so right or it can feel wrong.
It's comfortable.
It's like a known space.
Definitely.
And so as I'm listening, I'm like, okay, Corey,
how have you gotten through this
and how are you getting through this?
And I think one of the biggest things is values, right?
Beginning to get into and with self and really understanding
what it is that is valuable to you in this life,
is it flexibility in the workplace?
Is it starting a family?
Is it getting married?
Is it moving to a different country?
You know, starting a new hobby.
What is a value to you?
And then looking at my actions and saying, okay,
is what I'm doing helping me get closer
or further away from what I say I want?
Even that's a hard internal discussion
because if I am honest with myself
and I say, well, even what I've taken a few steps back,
what I'm doing is not conducive to my, you know,
towards my goal and then course correcting, right?
And trying to find ways inward and ways
that you can help move you're so forward,
it is such a delicate balance.
And I think like Robin said to start off with,
the finish line doesn't exist, you know,
we're only truly finished when we're no longer here
as morbid as that may sound to some, but.
But it's like that's the whole mindfulness perspective, right?
It's to start again.
Every moment is a new opportunity to start again.
And I think it's not two steps forward
and one step back or vice versa.
It's one step left and then one
into another dimension we can't see.
It's like we're going in all different directions
at all times.
And it's just because I went back a bit
or I went to a place that's familiar,
doesn't mean I can't go to a new place that's familiar to
or a new place that's not familiar.
Like all possibilities exist,
except for if I keep beating myself up,
the only possibility is that I'm gonna stay
where I am in the past.
And that's just not fun.
It's just a torturous place, at least in my experience.
So Sophia, I want you to think about all the times
that you have come forward or done different new things
and just be in that space in those moments,
remembering those moments, remembering that you can do it.
Yeah, I totally agree with that.
And I love the fact that she's also in therapy.
And obviously she's gaining more tools and more knowledge
to be able to work that out.
But I think that's such great advice.
Yeah.
Well, good luck, Sophia, with you and all of the little
younger and past Sophia's that are in there,
they're all doing great.
That's what I say.
Okay, we'll be right back.
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Okay, and we are back with our last question
and it is from another Sophia, Sophia number two.
So here we go.
Hi, my name is Sophia.
Thank you for your episodes.
As always, they're really inspiring.
Basically I got out of the year and a half relationship
with someone who was 17 years older than me.
We started fighting constantly only after three months
of dating and I think mostly was due to incompatibility
and I hate to say that the age gap as well.
He was kind of the jealous kind,
so I would feel uncomfortable to the point of like,
where I can't really tell him where I'm with
or who I'm where I am or who I'm with.
Fastward, I was the one that she did on him
and I still stayed with him five months later
until we broke up, which was recently.
And I didn't tell him about it and going back,
I don't think I would have told him about it
just because it would enforce his negative views on women
and I feel like it was a guilty reason to just tell him
and make myself feel better
and I didn't feel like that was the right reason to tell
and also I was afraid of being labeled
as a cheater for the rest of my life,
but I don't think I'm that kind of person.
Going through their motions,
I feel really bad about what I did
but I also tried to reason myself,
like no, there were things that he did
and gaslighted me as well,
but I really don't want to be the victim here.
So I'm going back and forth
and I want to reflect and improve
for my future relationships and become a better person.
So if you have any advice regarding this,
that would help a lot.
Thank you so much.
Ah, Sophia, I mean, there's just so much like pain in there
and I just want to say to start the idea
that you're thinking about his feelings
in order to whether you're going to share this information
or not, the idea that you don't want to carry behavior
like this forward, all of that tells me that
like you're a thinking and kind person
and I think you should go gentle with yourself.
I mean, we all make mistakes in relationships
and there's no one person in a relationship.
So I just want to say that,
I just felt compelled to say that to start.
Yeah, no, I mean, same.
I really think it's important for you
to give yourself credit.
Obviously, I'm a big fan of therapy
as everybody here knows.
So talking to therapists always is so helpful
or even headspace has therapists
or a mental health coach like Corey here, you know,
this is a really great opportunity
to be able to talk to somebody about this
because it can be really difficult.
And just even going back, I think Rob
in our first conversation,
we talked about cheating, right?
Like my first episode under your headspace.
And yeah, look, I think there's a lot of stigma
around when we make mistakes
and you know, the hardest person to contend with is ourselves.
And I've been in the same situation
and I think one of the most helpful things
at the time my therapist told me was,
she asked me, was have you forgiven yourself for what happened?
And I just remember I felt so kind of taken back
by that because I felt like I was the one
that did something wrong.
Like why, you know, the other person needs to forgive me,
you know, and she goes, yeah, it's,
well, it's good that you've taken responsibility
for your actions, beating yourself up over it
isn't productive, right?
So what have you learned from your mistakes
and have you arrived at the precipice of forgiveness
for yourself?
And so I hadn't at that point,
but it opened the opportunity for that.
And so I guess I would like to suggest
that you start to head towards that precipice as well.
So yeah, what does that look like?
And how does that feel for you to even brooch the topic
of self forgiveness?
Because I know a lot of the times
when we go through an experience like this,
it's hard, right?
Like you just feel and I'm curious, Robin and Cory,
you know, Robin, we've had this conversation before, you know,
so I know that it's a really difficult thing to go through
because then you're in society
were then labeled as cheaters.
You go into the next relationship and it's like,
oh, well, she's a cheater, you know,
and then what she was saying,
how she doesn't want to ruin her ex's view on women
because now she's done what he was fearing she would do.
Yeah, you know, so there's a lot of layers there.
I think that's thoughtful.
And I also think there's a difference between a one-off mistake
and a serial cheater.
Correct.
She made a mistake, she did a thing,
and I've done this in one relationship by like, you know,
cheated a little bit with just one time and then immediately,
I couldn't even say that.
I was just like, I feel like so bad as I'm saying it.
I'm just a little bit, so little bit.
Just the one time.
But by the way, I was so like, you could tell,
I have not stepped up to the precipice
and forgiving myself yet.
Because I was putting all these qualifiers on it.
It's a little bit.
It's not as bad as cheating a lot of it.
Just like a little,
I didn't believe I tried to drop that qualifier in there.
But in that though, I immediately knew that that meant
that I already knew the relationship was done,
but I had not been able to leave.
And then I was like, oh, I'm doing things
that are harmful to other people.
And I did not tell her because I thought that would have been cruel
and I just said, we know this isn't working.
And then I never did it again because I didn't,
that I didn't want that to be who I was.
And then next time I just left, you know, when it wasn't right.
But so it's like, I do think there's a difference
and that maybe might help you get to the precipice
and forgiveness.
And I'll also take the just a little bit
and see if that helps you.
Yeah.
I think for me, when I'm listening,
it sounds like you're definitely on a healing journey.
And as we know, healing isn't linear either.
I think maybe, and maybe this is,
you guys can tell me your opinions,
but maybe it's almost human nature
to start forming narratives about everything, right?
And so it's like the power of narratives.
And as I'm listening, it's like, okay,
someone is the victim, someone is the villain,
someone is the hero, someone is the,
and in my mind, I'm like, what?
You're false, we can assign blame.
Yeah.
And I'm like, how great would it be
if we could all just be characters in an overarching story
as opposed to having to make someone the villain
or make someone the bad guy
because we're all extremely nuanced.
Yes.
And I think that often gets lost in relationships
and how we talk about them.
So, you know, you can hear someone say,
oh, there's no good men left
because my last five boyfriend cheated on me.
I'm like, okay, that's part of the story.
But what is the full story?
The individual nuances of those five individuals?
What are the nuances that make you who you are
and these interpersonal relationships?
So I think that is a piece that I've also worked
into my own life, not in this specific cheating space,
but just as I form these interpersonal relationships.
You know, no one is the villain and no one is the victim.
No one is also is the hero, you know?
We are the center of our own universe,
but these interpersonal relationships
are so much more complicated.
And so I would just charge you to practice
definitely a lot more compassion for yourself.
Don't make yourself the villain.
You are a human who made a human mistake.
And that's okay.
And you can learn from it and make, you know,
new decisions in the future.
Yeah.
And the question I so clearly heard
that things weren't going well, right?
And that was not all on you.
So I hope that you hear that when you listen to your question.
And if you didn't hear it, hit that 30 second back button
until you get to your question
and listen to the way you spoke
and all of the qualifiers that you dropped in
about how many things were kind of broken in the relationship.
It's not to say that you shouldn't look at your behavior
so that you don't repeat it.
We all, if when we make mistakes,
need to look at that behavior
and look at the situation that got us
into making that choice so that we don't repeat it.
But kindness, kindness, kindness, kindness to yourself.
Yeah. So I love that.
So I'm also like Corey saying,
we're so such multifaceted individuals
and there's so many, we can be this and, yeah,
it's not just, okay, now I'm in this relationship,
I'm the hero and he's the villain or I'm the villain,
he's the hero.
It, I think that the mind wants to assign roles
and it wants to organize and put things in their place,
put them in boxes and confine them.
You know, it's more work for the mind
to not attach to a narrative and to just be open
and to just be aware of your human nature
and your human experience.
It's a lot more work, you know?
So I think that that's where a lot of,
you know, the mindfulness components can come in
where you can accept what is
and allow yourself to be in the present moment
and broach the topic of self forgiveness
and, you know, just do your best.
Yeah, and I definitely do love that you are doing your best
to take accountability.
I think that is a real strength,
not everybody steps up to the plate to take accountability.
So kudos to you because you're already 10,000 miles ahead.
Absolutely.
Well, good luck, Sophia.
That next healthy relationship is out there when you're ready.
No rush.
Ugh, you too.
That was just, that's just a lovely discussion
and it's just, it's so nice to hear when people are in a space
and then they call in and then I always just feel a little bit better.
Even for them, for me, just having these conversations
and we talked about this a little bit
in the episode that it's Mental Health Awareness Month
and we also mentioned this,
but that coaching is now available in the Headspace app
and you, which is pretty amazing.
You can connect with a trained expert for either live
or one-on-one care and support,
essentially just like this show for everyday anxiety,
for stress, for big life challenges.
And what's really great about it is it's on your time from anywhere,
whatever you're going through,
a coach just like Coach Corey is going to be with you every step of the way
if it's something that you're interested in.
Yay.
I'm so, this is probably one of the things I'm most excited about right now
in my experience working with Mental Health Coach
has really helped me make some of the biggest transitions in my life
and I'm so excited that it's available on the app now.
Yeah.
And we're going to make Coach Corey T-shirts.
So it's just like it's like a win across the board.
Coach Corey, put in what's starting to sing and put me in.
Coach, no, stop.
I'm not going to sing.
I definitely support this initiative.
They must be bedazzled.
That's all I'm saying.
OK.
All right.
So I do want to say thank you to our two Sofia's
and to Brian for sending us your questions today.
And if you were listening and our chat sparked an issue
that you'd like to talk about under your headspace,
it's so easy to record your question.
All you have to do is go to, you just
got to click the link that's in the show notes.
But if you don't, if you don't have that with you
and you need me to write it down, it's say hi.chat slash
to your headspace and you're going to record your question.
It's so easy.
And if we are able to use your question in the show,
you're going to get three months ahead space for free,
which is a pretty great deal.
Yes.
So keep those questions coming in, friends.
Now, before we go, I have one last treat for everyone who's
listening.
We want to offer you a few moments where you can transition
from all the information you just heard here
to the rest of your day.
It's a moment for you to reflect and settle your mind.
So here are the sounds of wind passing through pine trees.
Listen and let your mind do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy,
and be kind to each other.
Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones, and Scott
Sorenson.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selser, Sarah Cohn,
Baron Farmer, and Danny Christamy.
Our production coordinator is Taylor Jennings Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins,
Kessanga Gaskoam Bay, Dorah Kamau, Samantha Snowden,
Eve Lewis Prieto, and Rosie Acosta.
Post production is by Dan Crow, music is by Scott Sorenson
and Chris Merguilla, and a special thanks to Colleen Lutz.
Thanks to State Farm for supporting this show
and helping our listeners protect their businesses and lives
like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.
Talk to your local agent today.
