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Here. I'll just put my cards kind of on the table.
The topic is maternal instinct and how I feel about those two words together and the way the narrative of maternal instinct has just completely infiltrated the way I I think so many of us think about our role as a mom.
My heart's racing because maybe in some ways, my body is telling me this is a hot topic.
This is going to get a strong reaction.
This is something that is so built in to culture and in some ways, is built into the foundation of how the world works, but watch out.
The other thing I know about myself is I try to say what feels true to me.
In some ways so much of good inside started because of these moments.
I was like, hold on a second.
Punishment, time out, sticker charts.
I know this is what everyone thinks is the truth and it's what I learned and that's what I started to practice, but there's something inside me that's saying, I don't know about this.
Maybe there's a different way to see this.
Maybe there's just more nuance here.
Maybe there's multiplicity.
And I think I started to think that for so long that it felt so big, it exploded out of me, then on Instagram, and that felt vulnerable too.
So if I go back to my roots, I feel like I try to say things that feel true and important even if they're vulnerable and I kind of know they shake up the status quo.
And what I really value about everyone in this good inside movement is our ability to talk about hard things, to respect a difference of opinion.
I do not expect everyone to say after this episode oh my goodness I agree with everything Becky said.
I don't even know I might listen to it and not agree with things I say a couple weeks later.
But right now I cannot stop thinking about this conversation I had with a friend conversations I've had since and how many things I have to say about maternal instinct and I just felt like the right thing and what I wanted to do was come and share these thoughts with you.
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I want to have a little disclaimer kind of toward the top, where one of the things I love most about Good Inside is kind of how many different families come our way.
A mom and a dad, two dads, two moms, a single parent, grandparents who are raising their kids.
I mean, there are so many arrangements.
It's the most amazing thing that we can define family based on like how things feel, not about how things look to other people.
And in this specific episode, I wanna really dive in to this phrase that I think has had a really profound impact on the parenting world.
And that phrase is maternal instinct.
So we're gonna really double click on that, which of course means we're gonna double click on the maternal, the role of a mom and I'm sure a lot of these things also apply to dads or other caregivers raising kids.
And so I just want to acknowledge that from the start as we kind of really explore what maternal instinct means, how we've taken this in, how it affects so many of the things we do because inherently it's the framework with which we see our role and that's what we're today.
Now, let me say from the start, I'm a big believer that two things are true.
I believe that for every parent out there, there are moments where showing up as the parent you want to be comes naturally.
We can do certain moments by instinct.
All I want to explore together is what might also be true.
There are some moments when parenting the way we want to parent doesn't come naturally.
And I just started to get curious and talk to other people, whether they're friends in my life, family members, people I was kind of connecting with on Instagram over DM, sending voice messages back and forth.
And I kept hearing the same words.
it shouldn't be this hard I feel like I should be able to figure this out on my own does that mean we're broken does that mean we're a failure so first I just want to pause and acknowledge maybe you've had those thoughts maybe you haven't had those thoughts consciously but hearing them you're like something is ringing in my own body and brain right now I feel like that thought might be circulating.
And there's no part of me that wants to ever convince anyone to think any other way than they're thinking, right?
I actually just want us together to enter into kind of a state of curiosity.
Where do these thoughts come from?
How are they different from other thoughts we have about jobs we hold or difficult tasks we take on?
And is there something unique about parenthood, maybe unique about motherhood, where we have this narrative that it should come naturally, that we shouldn't need assistance, and that we should be able to figure it out on our own.
And could this all tie up together to this two -word phrase that feels kind of nice on the surface but could be this kind of nasty binary narrative we've been sold maternal instinct.
Because what if the belief that that means I'm a failure and I'm broken is actually the single biggest thing holding me back from being the parent I want to be more often and feeling proud of myself at the end of the night?
What if I started seeing education and support in any way that felt right to me?
That could be a million different ways, okay?
What if I started seeing that truly as a sign of what an amazing parent I am?
Amazing doctors go to amazing med schools, amazing athletes get amazing coaches, amazing CEOs get amazing executive coaches, and amazing parents.
This generation forward we are going to be the first one who say amazing parents get amazing support.
Maternal instinct helps me in some moments, and I will not buy in to this sick joke that someone made up generations ago.
That I should be able to do the hardest and most important job in the world entirely on my own.
No way will I pass that on to my daughter or my son.
I wanna unpack the words maternal and instinct a little bit because the fact that they come together in this term that I really do believe has weighed kind of on our collective consciousness about parenthood is really important to think about how those two things come together because I don't think I've ever heard someone say paternal instinct, which maybe we'll put over here for another part of this discussion, maternal.
We have been fed these ideas about what maternal means and if you're like me and maybe not And if not, I would honestly love to hear your associations.
there's this inherent selflessness.
Eternal figures. They are there for you all the time.
They pour themselves out.
They show up. They anticipate.
They meet every person's needs but their own instinct.
Is there an assumption that we should have a natural instinct to pour ourselves out and sacrifice ourselves for everyone else around us, maybe that is part of our instinct because it's been the kind of most popular cultural norm about what it means to be a good mom for so many generations.
And I think a lot of us do have that instinct and I'm not saying all of that is bad.
There are moments I can reflect on my own journey, where I think, okay, here I am, in office.
Something happened at my kid's school.
I just have to go be there.
I have to pick them up.
Right? Oh my baby is crying and sometimes I let them wait.
There's just something about this moment that feels different.
I got to go into their room and you're like, oh my goodness, they were actually vomiting.
Part of me kind of knew that.
I picked them up. I am not saying there's no instinct.
I think there is this thing inside of us that knows how to connect to our kid.
that knows how to be there, that knows how to show up in such a powerful way that a child needs.
What I think is less instinctual is how do I balance that with setting boundaries?
How do I balance that with my ability to take care of myself?
Maybe we can ask ourselves, do I have a natural instinct to take care of my own wants and needs?
If that isn't my natural instinct, do I want to build that muscle?
Do I think that would be good for me?
Do I think that would also be good for my kid?
Do I want to kind of redefine maternal instinct and how it plays out in my life as a parent because if so much of that instinct is about the way we show up for others, maybe then that is not useful in the moments i need to balance that with showing up for myself i've said it before i'll say it again i just i firmly believe that kids do not need selfless martyrs they need sturdy leaders and i think in the name of maternal instinct we've had generations who have fully defined ourselves by how much we can pour out for someone else and i don't even think that benefits our children.
Again, I don't think the opposite is true either.
Let's just all go on vacation for months and never see our children, definitely not something I would suggest. The other thing I think is interesting about instinct is a lot of our instinct, by the time we're adults, is shaped by a combination of something we were born with and the environment we had to adapt to.
We develop kind of our circuitry, our ways of seeing ourself and the world and what do I need to do in a relationship to feel safe in the relationship?
What do people expect of me?
How do I feel valued and worthy and good enough?
A lot of those answers to those questions aren't conscious but we kind of learn through our earliest years.
Did I get value early on in my family from taking up a little bit of space and taking care of everyone else?
Did I get value for the way I was so attentive to what people wanted of me that I could fulfill those wants and needs at the expense of completely self -abandoning what might be going on inside of myself, I think a lot of us women were these good girls, kind of looked around, who do I need to be for you and how can I craft that version of myself perfectly?
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And strengthen the pack.
I think a lot of us moms have a remarkably similar inner dialogue at the end of the night when we're reviewing the day.
It should be easier.
I should be able to figure this out.
And then something even deeper almost darker happens.
What's wrong with me?
No one finds out what a kind of ill -equipped parent I am.
I am messing up my kids forever and it's all my fault.
I am broken. I am a failure.
I mean these are some of the darkest thoughts we have and I really don't even believe they're our own thoughts.
I don't believe we were born thinking, if I don't figure out this parenting thing on my own when I'm older, I'm a real mess and a real fuck up.
Just don't think that's how we were born.
I think we've absorbed it.
And if you think about how that can get so deep and we're into this abyss.
It really all comes from this cultural narrative and assumption that we should be able to do this all on our own and all naturally.
As soon as you say to yourself, maybe that's not true.
Maybe you expected me to say something bolder and I wanna say something bolder.
Fuck that narrative.
Okay, I do. So but there's something to moderation.
As soon as you just say to yourself, maybe my thought isn't true.
It should be easier.
Maybe that's not true.
I should be able to figure this out on my own.
Maybe that's not true.
You know, the loudest voices in our head aren't our truest voices.
They're just our most practiced voices.
and a lot of our most practice voices weren't even our thoughts to begin with.
And I think these thoughts it should be easier.
I'm a failure. Something's wrong with me.
I should be able to figure this out on my own.
I'll just put my opinion out there.
I don't believe those started as our original thoughts.
We've digested them.
We've been flooded by them.
By a million different societal messages and I guess I feel empowered and excited just kind of hopeful at the idea of more and more of us just saying maybe not maybe I hear that voice in me and maybe it's not true maybe that voice doesn't work for me maybe there's another way of seeing this maybe there's something more nuanced maybe some moments come naturally and Some don't and maybe that is not a sign I'm broken.
Maybe that's a sign I am perfectly human and maybe I can do something about that.
That actually really excites me.
And I actually see so much evidence that there are so many more of us just entertaining that maybe thought.
Maybe I don't have to believe these loud thoughts in my head.
Ooh, it's exciting.
So if you're listening to this, maybe you're a brand new mom and you're home with your baby who's crying, who's hard to soothe.
And it all feels so overwhelming.
Maybe you're a mom of teenagers, of adult kids.
And you're thinking, no one told me this stage was gonna feel so heavy.
Maybe you're in between and you're like, how about me?
Yes, you have that five year old, that eight year old, that 12, whatever it is.
And you're like, this is really hard. Why is this so hard?
I actually have one message for all of you and it's the one thing I tell myself more than anything else with parenting.
Parenting feels hard because it is hard. Not because you're broken.
Not because you're a failure.
And actually maybe it doesn't feel easier for anyone else.
maybe the only people it feels even slightly easier for are the people saying, this shouldn't come naturally.
This is some hard stuff.
I have the hardest and most important and most ongoing.
I mean 24 -7. Jeez, job in the world.
I will no longer buy the idea that it should come entirely naturally and I should do it on my own, no thank you.
And then does parenting get easy?
No, it doesn't. I do not like to give false narratives, no it never gets easy.
I am one human trying to raise a very different human.
It does get easier and the difference between impossible and hard. The difference between hard and tolerable, those are actually substantial differences.
And sometimes, especially in hard stages, that difference is the best it gets.
And so I don't know if I have a great way to summarize all this.
And, again, I think this is so nuanced.
There are moments where parenting the way we want to parent comes naturally.
There are moments we just know.
There are moments we don't - Both are true.
And I think more than ever now, Does it come naturally to know how to manage my kid's request for a cell phone at age 8?
Does it come naturally to know how to manage social media platforms?
Does it come naturally to know how to help my kid develop frustration tolerance, even though they're growing up in a generation that has constant dopamine activated all the time?
I think we're parenting in a very different world than has ever existed.
We hear CEOs say all the time, this is a different generation of young kids coming in to the workplace.
I'm going to have to really learn a lot about how to work together.
This is a new thing.
This is a new world.
This whole parenting thing has always been hard. This whole parenting thing, I would say, is an area where we've always deserved support.
So let's double click on kind of education, right?
Okay, if parenting doesn't entirely come naturally, then it's kind of the implication that there are skills I could build for moments where I wanna show up in a way that's kind of hard for me to show up.
And the gap between what feels instinctual and what actually feels good is just skills.
it's not morality, it's not identity, it's just skills.
Kind of in a simple way like the gap between, I don't know, being the tennis player I am today, by the way, which is not very good, and some tennis player I want to be, skills, practice, that's all we need to close the gap.
I believe there are skills we need to learn and there's something I just want you to take that in It's very hopeful.
When we can close a gap between how we show up today and how we want to show up tomorrow with skills, that is entirely in our control.
And I think what it kind of asked us to wrestle with or just look at, without feeling the need to resolve it, because it's a big question, is can we build a world together or getting support and education around parenting, the job we care the most about?
something we kind of brag about.
It's something we take pride in.
Can we allow it to kind of move into the area where athletes feel amazing about their sports psychologists and their coaches and their team where founders are always bragging to other founders?
I have the best executive coach, Oh, you see your executive coach twice a month?
I do three times a month.
And they're like, Oh, they're so lucky.
They're so amazing.
For doctors want you to know my degree from medical school is from this great place and I'm putting it on my wall.
You better bet I didn't get here on my own." Can we be the generation who builds that?
I find that incredibly hopeful, incredibly inspiring, and honestly incredibly world -changing.
There are so many areas of our life where support, where coaching, where education we know gives people power.
And there's this one area, being a mom, where we hold such shame in support and education and where we almost then stop ourselves from getting our power back, from feeling empowered.
Education is power.
We know this in every area of our life.
We tell people this.
Seeking support is a sign of strength not weakness.
We say this. We want to show our kid it's okay to raise your hand and say I need help especially in the things that matter you the most. Raising your hand and saying you need help about something that matters.
Oh that's everything we want and still we get stuck.
I believe the day parents and yes especially women say this whole idea that parenting should be something I figure out on my own.
I actually see that narrative for what it is.
It's limiting. It's blaming.
It's full of shame.
It actually is the thing that keeps me stuck and I will no longer participate in something that was always holding women back.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
I'd love to know what this brings up for you.
I expect it to bring up a lot of different things and I'm okay with us kind of tolerating that and holding space.
I'm sure you have ideas around this and I want to hear from you.
So please drop a comment in YouTube.
Please share this with your friend group.
Allow it to kind of create and spark a different conversation so fun to talk to people we know about deep kind of provocative topics.
Yes there are moments that come naturally and there are moments that don't.
That doesn't mean I'm broken that actually means I'm an amazing cycle breaking parent.
And of course when we're doing something for the first time, of course when we're learning new language, surrounding ourselves with support and education, and allowing those kind of adventures to not be totally instinctual and natural is such a gift to you and your kid.
I would like to thank Great Wolf Lodge and Midi Health for sponsoring this episode.
