I still act single in my relationship.
Let me explain why.
Everyone always talks about leveling up and growing into the best version of yourself when you're single.
And I am no exception.
I've made so many videos on this because I've gone through that phase and cycle so many times in my life and I'm over it.
Yes, I took a year out of my life to focus on self-love.
I achieved so many things.
I made new friends.
I went solo traveling.
I spent my birthday solo, Valentine's Day.
I went to concerts alone.
I experienced so much life.
I was hitting up the gym.
I was meditating.
I was creating all of my wellness rituals that have quite literally made me the woman I am today.
And in that year, because I had so much time to myself and because I was pouring so much energy into myself, I actually started creating the content that inspires every single thing I do now.
I wouldn't be able to have the career, the lifestyle, the impact that I have without that year alone.
But I'm here to change the fact that the best glow ups happen during a breakup.
To all of my girlies who are thriving in their relationships and fully in love.
I don't want you to fall into the trap of ever thinking maybe I should have had more time single, or why don't I focus on myself anymore?
Or the curse of being dependent on your partner because it's all too easy to fall into.
But in today's video, we are going to change that.
The whole point of today's video, and all of the chapters that it's going to include, is for you to design your life like your boyfriend does not exist and then invite him in when you're done.
Because like I always say, self-love is not a bridge between relationships.
It is not a safety net.
It is the foundation you need to truly be able to reach your highest potential in every single area of your life.
Because honey, you did not do all of that healing just to start living like somebody else's background character.
Right before we jump to this video, I wanna share with you guys all of the jewelry I'm wearing.
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It goes with all of my outfits and looks.
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Okay, chapter number one, the talk.
This chapter is just a few different mindset shifts, because we need to be changing the conversation you're having with your partner and the conversation you're having with yourself, so that you can truly level up and enter this new era of pouring all of that energy into yourself.
Because truly a relationship should multiply your life, not minimize or restrict it.
My first point goes without saying, your routine is a non-negotiable.
It is so sacred.
It's basically the pillar of you actually taking really good care of yourself, you showing up for yourself, building that self-trust, that self-love, that self-care, essentially having a strong relationship with yourself.
After all, back when you were single, or if you weren't in a relationship right now, you would need that structure in your day.
You would need those rituals to make sure that you are looking after your mental health and that you are adding one of those romanticized happy moments into your day.
So why are you still not doing that?
Don't pause your life just because somebody else wants to invest in you.
Invest in yourself while they're investing in you.
It's a win-win situation. because your life deserves just as much attention as your love life does.
Remember your love.
Life is just one small section of the pie that makes up your entire life, with every single area that is included in it, and your self-love is gonna be the pillar and the foundation that dictates how every other area of your life goes, whether that be career relationship friendship, mental health, you name it.
Romantic love is so much fun and I know it's easy to get swept up into.
Romantic love is so much fun and I know it's something that we dream of and we can't wait for, and when you finally find that person that treats you amazingly, of course you want to get swept up in it.
But this is your reminder that that love is not meant to complete you.
It is not the answer to you finally having a happy and successful life.
It is just a compliment to an already happy and successful life that you built on your own.
This leads me onto my next point.
You are not here to be the girlfriend.
That is not your purpose in life.
That is not a marker of success.
Please release us from these shackles.
You are here to be a whole woman with her own vision, her own purpose, her own plans, her own goals, her own power, regardless of who is in your life, regardless of who else is pouring into you, because your self-love and the energy and investment you're giving to yourself always remains consistent, regardless of everything else is going on around you.
You are here to be you and i know, of course, in order to grow in a relationship and grow the bond you have with another person, you've got to show up for them 100.
I'm not doubting that you've got to invest time and effort and emotions into that person, but remember to give yourself some of that care too.
While growing with a person, and that relationship is so important, so is the growth that you're pouring into yourself, and that should not be pushed to the side just because now you have growth to do in other areas as well.
I've always, always said you have three lives you have your life, your partner has their independent life, and then you have the life you're building together.
A lot of people want to just focus on the life they're building together without understanding it needs to be two individuals solely independently content with their lives and then coming together to also make another beautiful life with each other.
And when you are getting all comfortable and loved up in the life you're building together.
A lot of that can be associated with just comfort and familiarity.
You know, you're living together, you're watching movies, you're going on dates every single week.
It feels safe and it feels nice.
But as we know, comfort leads to stagnancy.
I'm not saying it's bad for you to be comfortable, but I'm saying just take a step back, evaluate where you are and ask yourself when was the last time I took a step outside of my comfort zone.
When was the last time I hung out with somebody else?
When was the last time my boyfriend wasn't my only social plan?
When was the last time I showed myself on a solo date?
When was the last time I showed myself love without having to depend on my partner to give it to me?
And this leads me on to my next point.
I don't want anybody to think that in this video I'm saying that being single is better than being in a relationship.
I think being in a relationship is beautiful, but you also need to see the fact that relationships can help you grow and they have such an amazing role in your self improvement journey.
That's why I want to change the stigma that you can only have an amazing glow up when you break up.
You can also have it during an amazing, healthy relationship because love is a mirror.
When you are with this person who is so focused on understanding you, and when they were raised differently and you have to work through your differences and understand each other and grow and communicate.
It mirrors back to you certain parts about yourself you have to work on that.
You wouldn't have seen otherwise if you were single.
Being in a relationship is another opportunity to get to know yourself.
It's not only an opportunity to understand what makes them them and fall in love with them for it, but also to engage in self-discovery in ways that you couldn't have done on your own.
So ask yourself truly are you in this relationship to escape yourself or expand yourself?
Are you in this to continuously keep growing, or are you playing it safe to please your partner or make this as easy and comfortable as possible?
Remember, the best relationships require two whole happy, independent people, not one person constantly trying to walk on eggshells or dimming their light to keep the other person comfortable, or constantly worrying about how they can make the other person happy and content and then therefore not having any time left to thrive in their own life.
My last mindset shift for this chapter is brutal, and that is you need to be more committed to your own evolution than the relationship's survival.
I just constantly see content online about how to date, how to be in a long-lasting relationship, how to keep a man, how to make him obsessed with you.
I'm sorry, that is quite literally none of my concern.
I am too busy planning out my goals, taking things off my vision board, and that should be the same for every single woman.
Because in the process of doing that and investing in yourself in that way, you are gonna find out whether that person is for you or not.
Whether you sit at home worrying if he's gonna cheat on you, worry if he's gonna leave you or not, doesn't really matter and isn't gonna prevent the inevitable.
Either he's for you or he's not.
Regardless, you're gonna be outside, making moves, making friends, making money, being your best self.
It's not about keeping a man.
It's about keeping the promises to your inner child that you said you were going to do, that you said you were going to achieve all of her dreams and be the woman that you always wanted to be.
And yet, now that you're in a relationship, you're just sitting on the sofa every single night watching movies and yeah, it's fun and it's great.
But what happened to all of the dreams that your younger self had?
What about all of the things you said you were going to do?
What about all the goals you had in your five-year plan?
When are you actioning that?
And if there's a part of you that is scared of stepping outside of your comfort zone, doing something different, developing an alter ego, dressing a different way, hanging out with different people, doing different things, traveling alone, without your partner, and all of a sudden it changes the tone and the structure and the routine of the relationship, great.
That is the perfect test to understand whether this person is going to grow with you or not, whether it can actually last the decades and decades that you want to be together, in which you will 100 be so many different versions of yourself.
It takes starting this now to fully see, can this person stick with me through all of my phases?
Chapter two, the lifestyle.
This chapter are all of the actionable steps you can use to actually level up into the main character of your own life, rather than just playing the character of the girlfriend.
Step number one, a man is not the plan because the plan is meeting your full potential.
The plan is living your dream life.
The plan is building your self-trust by keeping all of the promises you ever told yourself you were gonna do.
The plan is building a life so delicious and so magnetic that any man you could possibly want and any partner you were supposed to have for the rest of your life simply rises to meet the frequency that you are vibrating at because you built your dream life and because you designed your dream self.
We are not out here carving out time in our schedule to look for the right partner.
We are not out here navigating around a man's needs or trying to fit him into our life.
No, he has to fit what we have built because that aligns with our purpose and our authenticity.
Step number two, please keep your morning rituals.
If you live together, do them together if that's truly what you wanna do.
You still need to be going to the gym every single morning.
You still need to be doing your meditation, eating healthily, doing all of the things you would be doing if you had all of that time, energy and space to yourself.
Why in the would you self-abandon just because now there's another person in the picture?
It literally makes no sense.
When I moved in with my boyfriend, I kept all of my routines and we've gone through so many phases where we used to align our morning routine so we'd wake up at the exact same time, go to the gym at the exact same time and do all of our rituals.
Now we're in a phase where we like to do it at different times.
But what's amazing is we've grown together through that.
Whenever I would fall off, my boyfriend would hold me accountable.
He'd make sure that I was back on it, because he knew all of those rituals and habits I created, because I knew they kept me on track.
He was someone who barely had a morning routine when I met him.
Now he journals and he meditates and he is a full-on skincare routine.
And so I've helped him grow in that way.
And I truly think that's what the best partnerships are about helping each other in the journey of becoming your best selves together.
Even if you live separately, don't wake up and the first thing is I gotta call them or I gotta text them.
Have that first hour of your day to yourself to truly set the tone of your day and to truly set the tone of your relationship with yourself that day, because the real flex is enjoying the relationship and the life you've built with yourself whilst also being able to enjoy an external one.
Because I think a lot of people underestimate the effect it's going to have on the relationship with yourself and your subconscious mind.
When, just because you have a boyfriend or you're going on a date and you slowly start just skipping all of the things you used to do for yourself for fun, that then you're basically telling your mind romantic love equals self-neglect.
When a man comes into my life and tells me I'm beautiful and takes me on dates, I don't need to show up for myself anymore and I don't need to get dressed up for myself anymore and I don't need to keep all the rituals that used to keep me so happy.
All of that's out the window because now a man's doing it all for me, meaning I don't have to do anything for myself anymore.
It's just a dangerous message to be sending to your subconscious mind and it's just going to keep you in a repetitive dangerous low vibe cycle that's going to be very, very hard to get out of once you're deep into it.
This links into step number three.
I want you to schedule your me time first, not last.
It's not date night on Friday.
Let me plan my entire schedule around that.
It's Friday.
Oh, I've already got brunch with the girls.
Oh, I've got a workout class in the morning.
Yeah.
Why?
Because every single Sunday you have been planning your weeks.
You've got those time blocks.
You make sure every single week you have at least one social interaction.
You have at least one thing where you get to spend time on your passion or your hobby or investing in yourself.
So Friday yeah, I think I have time, or maybe we can move it to the weekend because I already have so many other moving parts of my life and I'm such a busy girlie seeing so many people doing so many things to fill my cup.
This is not toxic and it's not putting your partner last.
It's putting your life, your authenticity and your needs first, which I think everybody needs.
Because, at the end of the day, you wouldn't want your partner to abandon all of their rituals and all of their enjoyment and all of the people they've met over the last few decades of their life.
For you,
No, you want it to be equal and you want it to be aligned.
My next point is that solo dates are still mandatory.
I go on so many solo dates.
I've actually solo traveled more while I've been in my relationship than when I was single.
And that's just because I truly believe nothing needs to change, just because now I'm in a relationship And solo dates just bring you so many benefits.
It makes you more confident.
It helps you embark on your self-discovery.
I also think it's just one of the most meditative practices, because you are spending such quality time with yourself that you can understand what's been going on in your mind and how you're truly feeling, more than ever.
It's giving yourself that clarity and that time and that uninterrupted thought and energy that no other moment could compare to.
Why would your partner want you to not do that?
I don't want me being in a relationship to associate with.
I only get dressed up because my man is taking me out, or i only leave the house or go out to a fancy dinner because a man is taking me there.
No, i can provide all of those things for myself.
And especially if you're new in a relationship, you're still setting your standards or you're on the dating scene.
This right here, solo dating is also such a powerful technique in setting your standards and staying so firm in them because you're like, if I can provide all of this stuff myself, the second you start acting up, I don't care, I'm out.
I've got a beautiful life to return to.
And my last tip is that you need to create a version of yourself that he will never fully access.
And what I mean by this is you need certain things in your life that are just yours, that social media doesn't see, that your friends don't see and that your partner doesn't see.
I have quite a few of these.
What are they, you ask?
I'm not going to tell you seriously though, you need those rituals or those things that you enjoy, that you just don't need to explain to anybody that, and i just think there's something so powerful and wholesome, also romantic, about having those little rituals and things about yourself that only you truly understand.
I love it, whether it be a hobby that you love or a show you like to watch, or a certain mindset that you have, or the way that you journal, or a video diary you've been keeping every single week for years, And what links into that is.
You really need to know who you are outside of this relationship.
And yes, I know what you're thinking.
That's very powerful, for you know, if you guys end up breaking up, it means you have a life to return to.
Yes.
But I also mean if this is your soulmate and if you're going to be with them for the next 80 years.
If you've already been with them for 80 years, it's still so important.
Regardless of whether the relationship is going to work out or not, that is not my concern.
What stays consistent is you need something outside of this relationship.
That's a space that's yours, whether it's a gym that only you go to or workout classes that only you go to, by yourself or with your girlfriends.
People that are only yours.
I know in relationships, it's so common to mix friends.
We definitely do, but we also have our own independent friends that are truly ours, that we've built over our lives.
And some sort of project or job that's yours, whether it's a creative hobby or a class that you go to, or an idea or a habit or a business.
Why is this important?
Because these are all pillars that contribute to your identity, to who you truly are.
And when you share everything about you with another person, your self-identity start leaking into each other.
And then guess what?
Your entire universe is mixed in with somebody else's and nobody wants that.
Lastly, we have the homework chapter.
If you're new here, I have a homework chapter at the end of every single one of my videos.
These are the actionable steps that are going to help you get off your butt right now and start doing something to practice all of the advice you just learned in this video.
Let's get into it.
Step number one, it's time to evaluate.
I want you to take a step back.
I want you to flick through your camera roll, okay?
Because this is what I do to remind myself of different phases of my life.
Who were you right before this relationship versus who are you now?
Or, on the other hand, who were you before you started dating this person, before you started speaking to them?
What was your lifestyle like?
How did you used to feel about yourself?
What was your daily mood?
Are there any rituals you don't do anymore?
Were there any ideas for what you want to be doing at this current phase in your life that, for some reason, you're just not doing right now?
Once you've got those ideas and you're going to have it very much clearly staring back at you all of the promises that maybe you haven't kept or maybe you've postponed.
Okay, I get it, it happens.
I want you to incorporate at least one of them into your month.
Schedule it, make sure it happens.
Step number two I want you to journal on everything you've just discovered about how you might have changed, how you might not be staying accountable with your goals and the promises you made for yourself.
I love journaling.
I've been doing it for five years now.
If you guys like guided journaling, i actually have my own guided journals.
I just brought out my manifestation one so you can check it out on my website.
But again, you can always journal on just a plain piece of paper.
That works as well.
The point of this is to really get deep into your thoughts, figure out what you're feeling, process those emotions and i always say, even if you have nothing, you don't even know what you're writing just start with first sentence.
Start the first sentence, you will enter a flow.
You will start unlocking thoughts that are so deep in your subconscious mind you didn't even know they were there.
But just by writing the first few sentences it eventually helps you travel to the back of your mind, to thoughts that you do not consciously have access to.
It's like magic.
Hero test number three, I want you to plan a solo date, okay?
This week, hopefully, or this month, I'll give you that much time.
It needs to happen.
It can be to a cafe.
It can be to the movies.
It can be on a walk.
As long as you are spending some quality time with yourself, please.
And if you're really inspired to start off your self-love journey.
I actually wrote an entire guide on self-love.
It's my book, Why I Slaughtered Down Flowers.
It's available worldwide on Amazon and in bookstores.
And in here there's a whole list of solo day ideas, amongst so many other things, on self-love during a relationship, self-love generally, healing everything you need to know about mastering self-love.
And the final homework task.
I want you to write down, either on a piece of paper or in your phone or on your computer, about your dream life.
I want you to start dreaming again.
I want you to start writing goals again.
Even if you're watching this video and you're like, girl, I watch all your videos.
I have so many goals.
I'm always on it because you're always consistently reminding me to do that every week.
I know, I know.
But just entertain me for a second, okay?
Okay, just get out the piece of paper.
Let's see how else you can think even bigger.
Let's try and create all of the goals we haven't even thought of yet.
And just invest that time into yourself this week please, because it's such an inspiring practice.
I don't want you to think you know it's a practice to add more pressure or make you think that you need to do even more.
It's just about checking in on whether you truly align with who you want to be right now and your most authentic self, or whether you've been playing it safe and comfortable or potentially shrinking yourself for the benefit of another person.
And that's all for today.
Thank you so much for watching this video.
I hope you enjoyed it.
I've actually been meaning to make a video like this forever.
This video was inspired by just a very small, tiny part of my book.
So if you want to learn more about it, there is so much more in-depth detail in my book Fires of the Dumb Flowers
So definitely check it out.
Thank you so much for watching.
I appreciate you.
And I will see you same time next Friday for a brand new video.
Bye.
Can you guys see Chai?
He literally just came in.
I'm so obsessed with him.
He literally just quietly came in and thought, you just film your video, I'm just gonna take a nap.
