This message comes from NPR sponsor Capella University.
Interested in a quality online education?
Capella is accredited by the Higher Learning Commission.
A different future is closer than you think with Capella University.
Learn more at capella.edu.
This is Fresh Air.
I'm Tanya Mosley.
For more than two decades, Mariska Hargitay has held a singular place on American television as Olivia Benson on Law & Order Special Victims Unit, the longest-running character in a primetime drama.
She's become an emblem of justice and empathy, receiving thousands of letters over the years from real-life survivors.
But behind the on-screen strength is a personal history Hargitay has never publicly told until now.
When she was just three years old.
Hargitay was in the backseat of a car when her mother, Hollywood actress Jane Mansfield, died in a tragic accident.
Though she and her siblings survived, Hargitay has no memory of the crash and never had the chance to truly know her mother.
In her place stood a public image the platinum blonde, hyper-sexualized starlet, a persona that felt disconnected from the woman.
Hargitay was told her mother was.
For years she wrestled with that legacy, not sure how to embrace or escape it, choosing to keep her distance as she searched for her own identity.
But in her new documentary, My Mom, Jane Hargitay, looks back at her mother's life and along the way she unearths a complicated truth about her own identity, including her biological father.
Though she was raised, believing actor and bodybuilder Mickey Hargitay was her father.
The full story is more layered, and now she's ready to tell it.
Reclaiming my own story.
That is what this is about for me.
I'd spent 35 years trying to hide that story to honor my dad.
But something that I've also realized is that sometimes keeping a secret doesn't honor anyone.
And it's taken me a long time to figure that out.
Hargitay does in this documentary what her fictional character Olivia Benson has asked of countless survivors on Law & Order.
She tells the truth and makes meaning of her pain.
Before landing her Emmy and Golden Globe award-winning role on SVU in 99, Hargitay appeared on a number of television shows, including Baywatch and The Heat of the Night, Seinfeld and ER, as well as the soap opera Falcon Crest.
In 2018, Hargitay appeared and served as executive producer on the Emmy-winning documentary I Am Evidence, which exposed the nationwide backlog of untested rape kits in the United States.
And Mariska Hargitay, welcome to Fresh Air.
Thank you.
I'm honored and so happy to be here.
Thank you.
You were just three years old when your mom died in that car accident.
And, as I mentioned, you all were in the car with her, but you were so young that you didn't have memories of the accident or of your mother.
And I was wondering, what kinds of things did you grow up hearing about her?
One of the things you know that I grew up hearing is how smart she was, how determined she was and what a wonderful wonderful, wonderful sense of humor she She, had.
And those were such treasures to me.
Those were things that I kept close, you know, in my heart.
And I've always been somebody who loves and values comedy deeply.
Yeah.
Really uses that as a survival mechanism.
Oh, this might be surprising to folks who know you from SPU.
Oh, yes.
People are always surprised.
They're like, oh, I had no idea you were funny.
I'm like, I thought I was going to be a comedian, actually.
Right.
But so you know, because I knew that she played the violin since she was a child and that she played piano.
And my grandmother always told us stories about that.
And my grandmother played the organ and the piano.
And so she had shared, you know, photos of the two of them doing that, which I, of course, put in the movie.
But I knew that she was an artistic soul.
On some level, I knew hearing that, but never firsthand.
And so as I got older and started to see sort of this public image and the photos of her, it was all very confusing because nothing lined up with what I had heard about her.
You, in particular, hated the voice that you heard her use when she was performing or in interviews.
It really got under your skin.
Yeah, I think we all felt that way in terms of my siblings.
It was just something that I just didn't think it was real.
And that, I think, is scary, right when our parents aren't being real or we hear some kind of false voice.
For me, the tone of somebody's voice has always been loud.
Like where I go in, do I trust them or not, right?
Are they authentic or not?
So the lack of authenticity and the fact that she was playing this role and doing a voice per se was just very unsettling and unbalanced to me.
There's a moment in the documentary, I actually want to play it.
You featured a clip from your mother's appearance on Groucho Marx's show, Tell It to Groucho.
And this clip is from 1962.
And in it, Groucho asks your mother about this voice and the persona she presents to the world.
Let's listen.
You know you're actually and I've told this to other people you're not the dumb blonde that you pretend to be.
And I think the people ought to know that you're really a bright, sentimental and understanding person.
And this is a whole facade of yours that isn't based on what you actually are.
Well, that's sweet of you.
Thank you so much.
I think you're aware of that, Jane.
This is a kind of an act you do, isn't it?
Oh, it's, you know... Most people don't know that, though.
I think that it's like this.
The public pays money the box office to see me a certain way and And they get their money's worth too.
So I think it's just all part of the role I'm playing as an actress.
That was Jane Mansfield in 1962 talking to Groucho Marx.
And Mariska, I chose that clip because there's something that he does that stood out for me.
He doesn't make your mother the butt of the joke as we see throughout the film.
Others did.
Instead, he seems to be opening up space for her to show a more authentic version of herself, but that was something that she wanted but couldn't quite attain.
And I was wondering what did you learn about her desire to be seen as a serious actress, as a serious talent?
Well, I just—I loved that moment in the film, and I think you know Groucho is so— kind and generous, but also authentic, because he did know her and he did see her.
But one of the things that really struck me is how smart she was because she did make a decision.
And it was a time when the studios wanted, you know, that And, you know, it was a studio system.
And part of the way she was sort of, you know, groomed to be the next Marilyn and to keep Marilyn in check.
And so she knew that she had a role to play.
And he was just calling her out in this beautiful way on who she really was, which I absolutely loved.
The other thing that really hit me, because she's so gracious and polite and demure, right?
You know, she was Southern in that way, and she was raised in Texas.
And my grandmother was all about manners and very strict that way with us.
And I remember she used to sort of coach me on how to answer the phone and the tone of my voice.
And she would teach me how to say, hello, Pierce residence, who may I ask is calling?
One moment, please.
And I remember going wow, this is this sort of presentational voice that my grandmother wanted me to use.
And That also really hit me during the making of this film about why even with the Jack Parr interview you could see how sort of demure and she responded in just this very polite gracious.
I'll just sort of take it instead of like a one-liner or a zinger or giving it back to him.
So I also understood that was so much of her upbringing.
That Jack Parr clip.
He had a show back in the day and she has her violin and she is talking about playing the piano and the violin.
And the fact that she could speak multiple languages and he is just horrible.
He's horrible.
Yes.
And she is so polite.
She continues to answer the questions and kind of sidesteps him, just kind of like pretends like he's not making those really off-putting jokes.
But you just said something there about your mom's journey from Texas to L.A.
So she had all of those attributes your grandmother had armed her with about being polite and being a lady person.
But her journey is kind of remarkable too, because she moved to LA with your eldest sister and kind of lived there by herself as she was making a name for herself.
That just seems pretty—how remarkable was that for the time period?
It was unbelievable.
I am so in awe of what she did, of how ambitious she was and how, you know—
How undeterred she was.
She had a plan and decided she was going to do it.
And I just don't know that I could have moved to a different state, you know, alone with my four-year-old or five-year-old daughter.
I just am so truly flabbergasted and in awe by what she achieved.
How old was she when she moved to L.A.?
I think she was 21.
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But you didn't always feel that way about the story.
Like you had to come into feeling that pride.
Yes.
And I think as a young child I was like things were more black and white and I wanted things to fit nicely in a box.
And I wanted a, you know, quote unquote, normal mom and dad.
You know polite and respectful mom, and you know not this sort of wild card with this voice that I didn't understand.
But now, later and having a career, I'm married.
I have three children.
I have a foundation for victims of sexual assault.
And it's so much.
And this is, you know, we're in a different time.
And the fact that she navigated so much in the 50s.
A girl from a small town in Texas, I just don't know how she did it.
There's this candid photo you talk about often, where there was just something about this photo that allowed you to really see your mother, not like this Hollywood bombshell, but like the woman.
And I was wondering, what was it about the photo?
Can you describe it?
Well, I think there were several.
There were several photos.
I think one of the things that I, you know, was searching for in the making of this documentary was were the candid shots.
Were the woman behind the pose?
And then this pose of I'm I'm a sex symbol.
I'm, you know, a bombshell.
I'm glamorous and all those things.
I think I was just looking for the person behind that.
Those private moments, those were my ways into her soul.
I would catch an expression that I never saw, or just a private thought or a private moment, and I would be like there you are, there you are.
And one of the most, I think, sacred and profound moments for me and getting to know my mom and seeing another side of her was in 1957, watching her play the violin on the Ed Sullivan show.
And seeing the expression on her face and seeing her focus and her private connection to the music and the violin and just witnessing her artistry in such a pure way and so simply and in such a quiet way was extraordinary to me.
Mariska, let's talk a little bit about this archival material because you had so much.
And there is this very powerful moment when you take us inside of this storage unit that no one had gone through since 1969.
No.
No.
Okay, okay.
Which just in itself was absolutely staggering to me.
Yes.
Right?
But I you know, this film was an archaeological dig.
I'd like to sort of call it that, because that's truly what it felt like.
You know, once I decided it was during COVID when I had the time and space to sort of think about all of this and think about her and finally face some of the letters that people had written me over the years.
And many of them are about my mom.
But they were so personal and just it felt so overwhelming to me to even address them, because I had so many feelings about it that I just put them all in a box.
So it was during 2020 when I finally had the space and I started – to open these letters and read them and take in all the gorgeous things that people were saying and these moments that people were sharing.
And they just felt like I was holding treasures in my hand. precious memories.
This one woman had said who played violin with her.
She said she used to sit out in my mom's driveway and listen to her practice the violin.
And that was so extraordinary and just exquisite to me.
And so what I did is I started cold calling these people Wait, wait, wait.
You would call up fans who wrote you and they'd pick up the phone and you'd say hi, this is Mariska Hargitay.
You wrote me 10 years ago.
Yes.
Yes, that is actually what happened.
And sometimes 20 years ago.
And then sometimes, maybe the person would no longer be with us and I would speak with their fans.
You know, either their spouse or their children.
But it was so beautiful.
But I got to speak with at least, I would say, five or six people that shared all these.
You know, people that went to school with her, people that did you know violin with her.
People that went to college with her.
It was so amazing and unbelievable, you know.
But that's the gift of just doing it, right?
Don't second guess yourself.
So in these letters, I found so much.
And then I started with what else is out there?
And I realized that we had all these boxes in my parents' garage that nobody had ever opened.
And I was ready And so I said, I'm doing this.
And that's when I actually made this decision to make this documentary.
And to you know, do the deep dive.
And some of those boxes were from 1969.
Yes.
Many of those boxes were from when she died between 1967 and 1969 were packed up, right?
I mean, it was, I just hit the, you know, no pun intended, but the mother load here, right?
There is this moment where you're looking through all of the pictures and awards and stuff and you say I wish my siblings were here.
And they're in the documentary.
Actually, the documentary is primarily told through you and your siblings.
But why weren't they there with you during that time?
You know, I think all of them were a little reticent.
They were hesitant, a little scared, you know, when I approached them and asked them questions.
You know if they would do this with me?
You know, when I told them I was doing it at all, they were sort of like wait what?
Why?
Why can't we just let sleeping dogs lie or leave it alone?
Or, you know, it took them a moment, understandably, to come around to the idea.
And again, one of the most...
Beautiful moments for me is when they all gave me their blessing and they said yes, we'll do this because we trust you.
But when I did start, you know still, I said I'm shooting this day and I want to go open the boxes and I would love you to come, you know, but all of them were working.
You know, they were like, I can't, I can't, I can't.
I said, okay, okay, guys, I get it.
You know, all on your own time.
So...
You know, it took a little convincing on my part.
Finally, I said, please come.
I just don't want to open these boxes without you.
I don't.
It's ours to open.
It's our mother.
It's not mine.
I don't want to have this experience alone.
And so that's when they said, okay, okay, okay.
And they came.
I wanted to know how it's been now that you all have spoken about it, now that you all have talked so openly about it.
You know, my feeling in life is the only way out is through.
That is sort of my anthem or philosophy.
And so I know that hearing the truth can be extremely painful.
And there's a lot of painful things about this story.
But for me...
Making this film has been extremely organizing to me.
Instead of being bombarded by all these things and clips and stories and images, and putting it into a linear frame has been healing to me.
I also made this movie to break generational trauma, because so many of us carry generational trauma with us, generational trauma that we're aware of and so many times, generational trauma that we're not aware of.
And so in our quest to heal, that has to be something that we take in.
Like what is ours to carry and what is not ours to carry?
And learning for ourselves, how do we separate that out?
And so in making this movie, that was also one of my agendas is how do I take what's mine?
Carry that, work through that, but not carry what is not mine to carry.
How do I break that cycle so I don't pass it on to my children?
Our guest today is award-winning actress and documentarian Mariska Hargitay.
We'll be right back after a short break.
I'm Tanya Mosley, and this is Fresh Air.
This message comes from Sony Pictures Classics.
In Eleanor the Great.
June Squibb brings to vivid life the spirited 94-year-old Eleanor Morgenstein who, after a devastating loss, tells a tale that spirals beyond her control.
From director Scarlett Johansson comes a comically poignant exploration of how the stories we hear become the stories we tell.
Deadline puts it, there won't be a dry eye in the house.
Eleanor the Great, only in theaters September 26th.
This message comes from AT&T.
Whether you're calling your parents to say happy anniversary or checking in with your kids before bedtime, staying connected matters.
That's why AT&T has connectivity you can depend on or they'll proactively make it right.
That's the AT&T guarantee.
Terms and conditions apply.
Visit att.com slash guarantee to learn more.
AT&T.
Connecting changes everything.
This message comes from FX's English Teacher.
Last year's critically acclaimed series returns to follow Evan, Gwen and Marky as they vie for their students' divided attention.
CY Cosmopolitan called its premiere season a masterclass of comedy, while Glamour raved it's the year's funniest and most heartwarming new comedy series.
FX's English Teacher returns September 25th on FX.
All episodes streaming on Hulu.
Mickey Hargitay raised you.
He was the only father you knew.
But one of the big revelations is that Mickey was not your biological father, but another man Nelson Sardelli is your biological dad.
And I wondered about that if there was a moment because he died many years ago but if there was a moment when you realized you didn't have to keep this secret in service of him anymore.
Well, I think there was a lot of things.
I think that you know I have two adopted children and it's been extraordinary to look at myself like as adopted and how beautiful that is, that idea of being truly chosen in that way.
And I think that is what this story has given to me is that the antithesis right of feeling adopted, unclaimed or not worthy of being chosen, or unimportant, or all these things that I sort of couldn't make sense out of.
Why wasn't I claimed, as I say in the movie?
Why didn't he come find me?
And why wasn't my dad honest with me?
Why did everybody keep this secret from me?
But at the end of the day, I feel more claimed, more chosen than ever.
I think as I matured, I realized There is nothing to be gained by keeping this untruth going.
Because I have the utmost love and respect for my father, I wanted to make a movie that was truly a love letter to him.
You never doubted the love that the people around you had for you.
You knew you were loved.
But you always suspected there was something that you didn't know.
Can you describe that feeling of just knowing there was something?
I always felt that I didn't belong on some level.
I always felt that I was different.
I was other than.
In some way.
And I just couldn't put my finger on it.
But it made me crazy.
Because when you have your intuition and when you're told, you know, my father was so...
He really instilled in us that we have our own sense of honor, our own sense of truth.
We know.
And one of the greatest gifts of my life really, and for anyone, I think, is to trust their own intuition and to learn to trust that inner voice, that superpower, quiet inner voice of knowing.
So there was just something always off.
And when we feel like that, we look for ways to make that true.
We have a predictive brain, right?
So I looked for that.
When I was little, my grandmother would say this thing I'm all you have.
Or when My parents sent me to be with my grandmother, without my brothers.
I was like, they don't love me as much.
Something's wrong with me.
I'm different.
Why did they only send me?
Why are they separating the family?
And there were little things like that, millions of little things.
So I just felt that on some level I didn't belong with them.
I wasn't of them.
But it didn't make sense.
You found out, like, the first inkling from the president of your mom's fan club.
That's just a detail that I find.
Wow.
But did you ever carry any anger that those around you knew more about you than you knew about yourself?
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yeah, Sabin Gray, who's just, you know, lovely and did nothing but love my mom and honor her and is just was.
Always a very positive, I think, force and positive person.
And I held it together.
But when I got in my car, I remember having an out-of-body experience.
And one of the things that I didn't put in the movie, which I wish I had.
When I left Sabin's house it was in Hollywood, and I drove to West Hollywood where my father was literally building me a house.
How is that for a metaphor?
Wow.
And I went up there to the house, you know, and that's when I confronted him.
And that's when I said, why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't you tell me?
And, you know, the vehemence with which he denied it was extraordinary.
You know, he just said, that's not true, Mariska.
You're my daughter.
What are you talking about?
This is ridiculous.
And that is...
The moment I remember it happening physically in my body, when I looked at him and saw his pain and saw that he wasn't ready to deal with this new reality, this new fact that he made since I was three years old.
And that's when I went, this is mine to carry. not yours.
And I love you.
And I knew that he was coming from the most pure place.
And that's when I decided that I was the one that would say, okay, Dad, got it.
I'm sorry.
It must be bad information.
I just read it in a book.
And we let it go.
And even, you know, 10 years later after that, he said, remember when you thought that crazy thing?
And I would be like, yeah, that was nuts.
How old were you around that time?
Well, when I found out, 25, when I learned of Nelson and saw the photo and just knew it was true.
And then I just, you know, as I say in the film, after that, there were some bad years.
My identity crisis and me just trying to figure out where to put it, and I had to deal with it on my own.
And then when I went to my sister, she said, I thought you knew.
Everyone knows.
And then I went to Tony, my little brother, and he goes, oh, yeah, I thought you knew.
But Mickey and Zoli, my brothers, they didn't know.
And, you know, that's also why my dad said, don't read the books.
Can you describe for me though, what it was like to look into your biological father's face, to look into Nelson Sardelli's face for the first time?
Oh gosh, I don't know that I have the words for it, but it was like putting in that final piece of the hardest puzzle you've ever put together.
It was...
I could actually feel my cells in my body like exhale.
It was like such a affirmation. that I was right, that I knew something.
And I think it's funny.
I don't think I've thought of this until this moment and your question, but I think it was the moment too, that I learned to trust myself in such a deep level, because I always knew something and I was right.
I was right.
So when I met him and everything made sense and he was kind and he was protective and so loving and loved his own daughter so much and understood me and what I needed and understood the boundary.
And I said, listen to me, I have a father.
I don't want anything from you.
I just wanted to know.
And we stayed up all night and it was like finding your long lost...
A long-lost piece of you.
And it was also really beautiful, because one of the things that was so hard for me is I used to study my dad's face and be like but I don't, he has this perfect Roman nose.
It's so sharp and perfect.
You know, he was so perfect looking.
But I couldn't find the similarities.
And when I saw Nelson's face, I went, oh, wow.
That's my face.
You have that nose.
You have, I mean, every single feature.
And everything made sense.
And I just felt strangely, uncomfortably home.
Our guest today is award-winning actress and documentarian Mariska Hargitay.
We'll continue our conversation after a short break.
This is Fresh Air.
This message comes from Bluehost.
Bluehost can make building a great website easy and offers a 30 day money back guarantee.
Customize and launch your site in minutes with AI, then optimize with built-in search engine tools.
Get your great site at Bluehost.com.
Support for NPR comes from Dell.
The new Dell AI PC with Intel Core Ultra helps you breeze through everyday tasks like editing images, summarizing meeting notes and replying to long emails.
More at Dell.com slash AI dash PC.
This message comes from NPR sponsor Capella University.
Sometimes it takes a different approach to pursue your goals.
Capella is an online university accredited by the Higher Learning Commission.
That means you can earn your degree from wherever you are and be confident your education is relevant, recognized and respected.
A different future is closer than you think with Capella University.
Learn more about earning a relevant degree at capella.edu.
You mentioned earlier that you thought you were going to be a comedian.
Like you, were totally into comedy.
And I want to know, first off, when you decided you wanted to be an actor and what your actual aspirations were.
It was in high school, and I went to an all-girls private Catholic high school.
And my favorite nun, who was also my English teacher—wait a minute.
Was she my science teacher?
I'm trying to think because now I'm confusing the years.
That's just age, people.
I forgot what she taught me.
It doesn't matter.
But the point is that she said, I think you should try out for a play.
And at the time, I was not interested in being an actor.
People had asked me my whole life, are you going to be an actor like your mother?
I said, nope, not interested.
And on the other hand, was interested in languages and did play.
I want to do something where I would travel.
I love traveling.
We traveled a lot as a family.
And I spoke French at the time.
And you know, the idea was to be a French diplomat, something that connected people, where I could translate and bring people together and –.
And then she said, I think you should try out for a play.
And so I did.
It was a French farce, and I've never had more fun in my life.
And then my senior year, I tried out for the lead in our play, and I got that.
And it was obviously a straight play, and I – fell in love with acting.
It wasn't until I started in my 20s and I would get, you know, guest spots and stuff.
And I just fell in love with comedy.
And so then I thought, okay, this is what I'm going to do.
You know I had done Seinfeld and you know Single Guy and a bunch of shows and auditioned for Friends.
And I thought that was my genre.
That's what I wanted to do.
I actually want to play a clip from Seinfeld.
This was the fourth season.
It was the season finale, 1993.
And in this clip it's kind of meta, because you are actually reading for the role of Elaine Bennis in The Pilot.
Let's listen.
Melissa Shannon.
Hi.
Hi.
Melissa is reading for Elaine.
It's like a bald convention out there.
Yeah.
Sorry, I made a faux pas.
No, you didn't.
He knows he's bald.
So, how about the guy wearing sweatpants?
I mean, did he do that for the parties you walk around like that?
Okay.
Shall we start?
You know what?
I'll read with her.
Oh, great.
All right, want to start?
Yeah.
Okay.
What was that look?
What look?
That look you just gave me.
I gave a look?
Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Let's see some more Kramers.
That was Mariska Hargitay from season four of Seinfeld, 1993.
What do you remember about that particular being on Seinfeld and kind of playing these roles where you get to stretch your comedic chops?
Oh, I loved it.
I mean, I remember my first episode of ER.
It was the same thing where you know I was reading, you know it's a drama and I went in there and tried to find as much funny as I could.
And my scene on ER was like a comedy scene.
And that's also when I said, this is what I want to do.
Now, it's very difficult for me to do that on SVU, but I miss it.
I miss it so much, you know, finding that lightness.
And those are Some of my favorite shows right when you're laughing and crying, and laughing and crying, you don't know what to do.
Our guest today is award-winning actress and documentarian Mariska Hargitay.
Her new documentary, My Mom Jane, explores the life and legacy of her mother, actress Jane Mansfield.
You didn't like the way your mother had to kind of adhere to the studio system, the kind of things she had to do in building this persona.
How did that affect the way that you approached acting and trying to be successful in Hollywood?
I just went in with a little bit my own point of view and had a little bit of armor on.
Maybe.
And I wasn't as accommodating and tried to check with myself as much as I was capable at the time, even being young where if something didn't feel right to me I'd push back.
Like, you don't tell me.
I tell you.
Because so many people told her what to do, and people with bad advice and people with not the best intentions and people that were disrespectful and rude and had an agenda.
And when I think back to that Jack Parr interview, I mean, that is the thing that people say.
That was one of the most painful parts of the film, is watching Jack Parr be so disrespectful.
It's disgusting how he was and how he treated her and the sexism.
Like it always heartens me when people come out of the movie and they tell me all their feelings.
But one of the things they always say that Jack Parr.
And it's something that you know still goes on, but hopefully much less so and at least women have their voices more than they did then.
Well, that's a discussion for another day.
But the point is, is that I had to do it my way.
Yeah.
There are so many prophetic moments that you bring up.
I mean, this is what makes you mentioning intergenerational trauma, from generation to generation until today.
Someone, like you, actually makes the point to see it and stop it.
And name it, because if it's not named, it's just out there floating around.
And so that's why I say this was organizing both internally and externally.
Organizing, to name what happened.
I wonder how you make sense of some of those prophetic moments.
Like we learn in this documentary, that your mother lost her father at three years old after he had a heart attack while driving and she was in the car.
And there's also this interview where your mother talks about that, if she's ever in a car accident or in a terrible mishap, that her children will always be cared for.
How do you interpret those things?
Do you see them as coincidences or something bigger?
Do they hold meaning for you?
They hold a lot of meaning for me, and I think that in many ways our word is our wand.
It is prophetic.
And so it's something that made me understand her and think, what was she thinking?
She carried that.
She carried her father dying in a car with her her whole life.
And then she said it, consciously, unconsciously.
And so for me, I'm very aware that when I turned 34, I was very scared that I was going to die.
Because that was the age that she died, right?
Yes.
That was the age that she died.
I was very scared.
And actually at 34, I ended up having a... I was in a motorcycle accident.
And I was on the back of a friend's motorcycle.
And...
I remember when the car hit the motorcycle I went flying through the air and I remember going, because it all happened in slow-mo, and I remember going oh my God, this is it.
This is how I'm going to die.
I can't believe I'm going to die at 34 like my mother.
And then I landed on the asphalt, and I said, I'm alive and I'm not dying.
And that was my aha moment.
That is when I said, this cycle is breaking now.
I will not carry this with me.
Her life is not my life.
And I remember very cognizant that this accident was somehow some kind of wake-up call or something, because it was just too weird.
And from then that day, I mean I couldn't walk for like I don't know 10 days, but it ended up.
I didn't even break my ankle.
It was like a bad, bad sprain.
And I just remembered going, God, I got it.
I got it, and I will not carry this anymore.
So again, this whole journey has been a long time coming and I'm so grateful for all of it, because that's what it took to shake me out of that kind of generational trauma, the stuff that I carried, always being so scared.
Well, my mom's dad died when he was 34.
She died when she was 34, so I must be on my way out here.
Wait, I didn't realize that your grandfather died at 34.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
So this is what I mean about the generational trauma that we carry unconsciously.
And I mean, not to get into the whole, you know, psychology of it, but I am a big fan of Jung.
And I do believe that, you know, our unconscious is trying to heal and move us forward.
And if we don't get it, if we don't do the internal work, if we don't look at our shadow side, it will deal with us.
Our guest today is award-winning actress and documentarian Mariska Hargitay.
We'll continue our conversation after a short break.
This is Fresh Air.
This message comes from Fisher Investments.
Senior Vice President, Michael Hosmar, explains the importance of providing a comprehensive approach for clients.
The culture at Fisher Investments, it's about helping.
It's about improving our clients' financial situation, advising not just for now but all the way through, hopefully to their next generation.
A well-designed financial plan will cover a number of important topics, and many of these topics are connected to each other.
Fisher Investments possesses the professional expertise across all these important disciplines, from investment management to tax minimization, to estate planning, you name it.
Learn more at FisherInvestments.com.
Investing in securities involves the risk of loss.
This message comes from Progressive Insurance.
Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game?
Well, with the Name Your Price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills.
Try it at Progressive.com.
Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates.
Price and coverage match limited by state law.
Not available in all states.
Mariska, can we talk about Olivia Benson?
We're learning right now the embodiment of the person behind that character.
And you are known as one of the most nurturing female characters on television.
When people meet you, they treat you as if you are her, don't they?
They do.
And a big part of me is.
And a big part of you is.
I mean, you have now taken that work that you do on Law & Order, and it is now a part of your life through your foundation, through your documentary work.
You're also a real-life certified rape counselor.
Can you tell us quickly how that came about?
It was very simple.
It was the statistics that I learned when I started the show and when I started doing the research for SVU and to play this character.
And I went to a gala by the Mount Sinai Sexual Assault Violence Intervention Association program honoring Dick Wolf.
And it was that night when I learned the statistics of sexual assault that one in three women would be sexually assaulted in their lifetime and one in four women would be assaulted by the time they were 18, and one in six men.
And these statistics are changing all the time.
But the night that I learned that, which was the first year of SVU, I
I could not believe what I was hearing.
And I felt like it was my business, my calling to help at least join forces with those who'd been fighting this fight and try to do what I can, and understanding that I had this incredible power, incredible platform.
And so it really just became a calling to me.
And that so much of sexual assault was being swept under the rug and living and breeding in this darkness.
And here SVU was, this fantastically progressive show that was shining a light on it.
And the fact that it was on television, made it water cooler conversation.
And all of a sudden, the fan mail that I was receiving was very different from the fan mail I'd received on ER.
Mariska, I love your character.
I love that show.
Could I get an autographed picture?
Became, dear Mariska, I was sexually abused and I've never told anyone.
It was women and men disclosing their stories of abuse for the first time and learning that all of them were living in shame and isolation and blame and fear.
And it was the privilege really of my life to be able to give back and help elevate these voices and these stories.
You know things that we don't know because you received these thousands of letters over the course of your career.
What's the one thing about abuse, about this issue that you take on, oftentimes on the show, that still frustrates you, that society doesn't get?
That the blame is placed on the victim, victim-blaming attitudes.
And even in the way we talk about rape, we say, I was raped.
Where is the perpetrator in that sentence?
Why is our language about sexual assault constructed like that?
Why is it I was raped instead of he raped me?
And that's something that I'm actively trying to change now about how we talk about it, because the fact that the perpetrator is not in the construction of that sentence is a crime.
Mariska Hargitay, what a privilege it has been to be in conversation with you.
Thank you so much for this documentary and for your time.
You're welcome.
Thank you for having me.
Mariska Hargitay's new documentary is called My Mom Jane.
She's also the founder of the Joyful Heart Foundation, which has worked since 2004 to support sexual abuse survivors and end violence.
Tomorrow on Fresh Air.
Comic and actor Marc Maron talks about panic grief, his problematic cats and his expanding acting career.
He also shares why he's ending his popular podcast WTF, which he launched in the early days of podcasting.
Maron has a new HBO comedy special called Panicked, and he's the subject of a new documentary.
I hope you can join us.
To keep up with what's on the show and get highlights of our interviews, follow us on Instagram at NPR Fresh Air.
Fresh Air's executive producer is Danny Miller.
Our technical director and engineer is Audrey Bentham.
Our managing producer is Sam Brigger.
Our interviews and reviews are produced and edited by Phyllis Myers, Anne-Marie Baldonado, Lauren Krenzel, Teresa Madden, Monique Nazareth, Thea Chaloner, Susan Yakundi, Anna Bauman and John Sheehan.
Our digital media producer is Molly C.B.
Nesper.
Our consulting visual producer is Hope Wilson.
Roberta Shurock directs the show.
With Terry Gross, I'm Tanya Mosley.
This message comes from NPR sponsor, 1Password.
Secure access to your online world, from emails to banking, so you can protect what matters most with 1Password.
For a free two-week trial, go to 1Password.com slash NPR.
This message comes from Michelin.
More than a tire company, Michelin is an innovation company.
From connected mobility to clean materials and now taking on one of the toughest mobility challenges space.
Developing an airless wheel for space exploration, designed to withstand the extreme conditions at the moon's south pole.
Michelin isn't just making exceptional tires, they're helping build a better future.
Motion for life.
More at michelinman.com slash y-michelin slash innovation.
This message comes from Warby Parker.
What makes a great pair of glasses?
At Warby Parker.
It's all the invisible extras without the extra cost, like free adjustments for life.
Find your pair at warbyparker.com or visit one of their hundreds of stores around the country.
