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Headspace Studios Hi friends!
I'm joined today by Keisunga and Headspace therapist Ryan, and we have a very special episode for you all today.
We're answering questions from folks who have concerns about the current political environment, both locally and globally.
So we have a question about how to maintain family relationships when you disagree with their politics and values.
We have one about how to be hopeful when you're concerned about any outcome in an election year.
And then we also have a question that is about how to stand on your own after leaving a toxic family.
So we have lots to unpack today.
I just say let's get started.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Or a therapist you can call after a long day?
Or a mental health coach you can lean on for advice?
Someone to help you see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit down with Headspace experts and we answer your questions.
Hi, Keisunga. Hi, Ryan.
Hello, Robin. Greetings.
Greetings, Robin. How are you doing, Ryan?
Are you two all buckled up?
Because we are talking politics today.
Oh, great. It's actually one of my favorite topics.
I don't understand what the big fuss is.
Well, what's funny is we're actually we're not really talking about politics because this isn't a political show.
But we are talking about how to manage relationships and ourselves in the midst of a global unrest.
And you know, it's a lot.
I don't think it's ever not a lot.
That's a really good point.
Well, to kick it off, all right, we have our first question from Sarah and it's about a divide that's happening in her family.
So I'm going to I'm going to get right to it.
Hi, Dear Headspace.
I love the show. So I figure I'd reach out for some advice.
I have an issue with my family specifically with my dad.
It feels like him and I are just super divided politically.
And sometimes I get worried about actually being able to maintain a relationship with him since he just believes and thinks so differently from the way that I do.
It's really difficult to ever have like an open constructive dialogue.
I feel like whenever we talk politics or it comes up around the table, it turns into a bit of a screaming match.
Voices end up getting raised and it just never ends up productive or in a good place.
And I really wish we could just have open conversations around how we feel and our different perspectives.
And I'm not even looking for us to agree, but just to be able to have open conversations around our different political beliefs.
So what do you think are the best ways to go about figuring out how to do that?
Oh, the thing is, what's interesting is I don't think that Sarah, that you're alone.
Like, I think there are many, many, many, many people who are just like sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner and ending up screaming at each other.
And I you know, like, because we're in a place like I mean, my first the first thing that jumps out at me is it takes two people committing to being open in a conversation.
But I don't know how to get them there.
So you two talk to me.
No, you know, I jumped out at me.
Do you remember when George Bush said, fool me once, shame on you, fool me.
You can't be fooled again.
Something like something like that.
He kind of blundered it.
But the saying that he he blundered was basically fool me once, shame on you, fool me again, shame on me.
Kind of like implying that, you know, if this is something a repetitive occurrence, then maybe I need to kind of reevaluate how I'm moving in the space.
And so for for for this listener, I'm just curious.
It sounds like this conversation with her father has occurred over and over and over again.
Right. And she wants a different result.
And so I'm just curious if she's able to step into a space of acceptance and just accept that in regards to conversations, political conversations with your father, then it's like oil and water.
It's not going to go well.
Yeah. And I'm hearing that she loves her father.
She adores her father.
She wants the relationship with her father to continue.
So perhaps maybe not talking politics with your father and accepting that that's OK.
But if her parents, her father is anything like my parents, my parents are so set in their ways.
And I just know that there are some I mean, my father and my father's I know that my father still uses language today that is highly offensive.
Yeah. Because back in his day, that was the norm.
Yeah. Now, sure, when he uses that language, I checked him like, OK, Bob, that's that's offensive.
He may roll his eyes, but he's like, OK, you know, my bad and keep it moving.
But I know that that's how he behaves.
Yeah. Yeah. So I'm curious if, you know, just accepting political conversations are going to be maybe not going to happen.
Which by the way, I love that.
But I'm also torn because I'm like, does that create a space where there's a whole part of you or a whole side of you?
You know, there could be votes or things that are happening that might like I'm speaking to myself, like, you know, I have a family member who is voting one side that directly impacts my LGBTQ family.
And it's hard to forget those things.
You know what I mean?
No, no. Absolutely.
Absolutely. And so in situations like that, that's where the work comes in for you and yourself.
And, you know, certainly a background to the practice.
You know, when you when you're in that space of present moment awareness and meditating consistently or what have you, you're able to recognize, OK, maybe this is my ego wanting my father and wanting my family members to think or behave in the way that I want them to.
No, that's just accepting them who they are for who they are.
I like that answer.
Ryan, what are your thoughts?
Why not? An acceptance, Kasanga, as you know, is such a hard skill to practice.
Right. Because it means letting go of something that we're holding on to for a good reason, in many cases, just like you mentioned, Robin.
Yeah. What was coming through for me, for the listener along the same lines, Kasanga was she mentioned productivity.
She wants the conversation to be productive and constructive.
I imagine they have different definitions of what a productive or constructive conversation is going to look like when they're talking politics.
Yeah. Because we all want to be validated.
We all want to be agreed with.
We all want to say, oh, you know what, you're right.
That's such a good point.
That is one of the best feelings we can have when we're talking about something passionately is for someone else to say, you know what, you're right.
But when we're in a relationship like this, like with dad, as we're talking about here, we're probably not going to get to that point.
We're not going to get to, you know what, you're right.
Now, if we are looking for advice and we're looking for how can these two people find common ground, you know, something we'll do sometimes in couples or family session is, can one person explain the other person's perspective from their point of view?
So can you tell dad what you hear him saying, dad, this is what I think you want.
This is what I think you think you want.
And then can dad do that for you?
Because that's where the opportunity for common ground is.
Both people probably want security, right?
Both people probably want safety.
People want, you know, the ability to have a comfortable family life, whatever it might be.
And that's where the opportunities to have productive, constructive conversations are, is to get to those common points.
But that's only going to happen if both parties are willing to practice some acceptance and some empathy.
But if dad's not willing to do that, then we're going to be kind of bumping up against a brick wall, which is where acceptance is going to come in.
Well, and what I would say to her as well, though, is there's this expert named Tanya Israel.
She actually has a new book that just came out.
It's like something called like Facing the Fracture.
I'll look it up. I'll put it in the show notes for you.
But she talks about what is your intention when you have this conversation?
And if you are trying to convince a person, like, how are you walking into the conversation?
Like, it almost never, ever, ever works.
And yet we keep doing it.
Like we keep trying to like, and she said something which I thought was hilarious.
It was something like along the lines of like, you know, I assure you that that person that you're talking to, when you say, wait, hold on.
I have this study from Pepperdine University, and you just haven't read the study.
Like, they're not going to read it and then go, oh, oh, I changed my whole point of view.
You know, they're just that's not happening.
So is your intention to hear?
And she said she gave this lovely thing of when a person is saying something like you have like kind of taken what you were saying, Ryan.
And also what you were saying, Ksanga, of like, it's OK to say your whole side.
And this is this is why I believe in this issue.
And this is why I think it's important.
And this is how I see it.
What am I missing from your point of view?
I thought that was such a great note to to be able to like try to hear the other person.
It's not easy. No, that's where the opportunities are.
Yeah. There needs to be an agreement that you're both walking in at the same place and you're both open to it because otherwise cue the screaming.
Yeah, there's no there's no structure.
Right. Exactly. Cue the screaming.
Cue the the expletives, you know, you know, if that's your family.
It's fine. But also like the ability to to know ahead of time, like, hey, if we're going to talk about this, I still want to be able to tell you, I love you at the end.
Right. Yeah. I still want to be able to go home and feel like, you know, not that the conversation has to reach a point of agreement, but just that we can disagree and love each other, that that's a nice gray area that we can both agree we can get to.
Yeah. Love is not like all or nothing.
Yeah. Well, good luck.
We wish you luck at the next family gathering and we're out here supporting you, whether it be open communication or acceptance or both.
OK, let's get to our next question from George.
This is George from Los Angeles.
Over the last couple of years, I feel like I've lost a lot of confidence in our government here in the United States.
I've been watching the news and I'm really concerned about a lot of global trends.
I mean, there's nationalism, there's displaced people, there's climate change.
I feel like no matter what the result of the election is, I'm not going to feel any better.
Do you have any advice for me?
I feel like I'm in the edge of my seat all the time.
I really appreciate it.
Same as a previous caller with this notion of accepting kind of like what I said earlier, has there ever been an election period that was not stressful?
I would venture to say no.
So, George, I invite you to show yourself some grace.
Be very gentle and compassionate with yourself, knowing that these feelings that you're experiencing are perfectly OK.
I would take it a step further and I would say perhaps accepting that this is not going to be the year of the magic election where all problems are going to be solved after this election.
You know, the nature of human beings of life is conflict.
So that's just part of life.
So accepting that also.
Now, the question is, how do you counter?
How do you counter these strong emotions and this fear that I'm hearing, this worry that you're experiencing?
And one suggestion is adopting this attitude of gratitude that we often talk about, no matter how small, no matter how big.
When you're in this space of worry and fear, it's often it's easy to forget the things that are going well, the things that you are blessed with.
Right. So practicing, wow, OK, this election is really in the space of worry again.
Let me just pause and list three things that I'm grateful for.
No, again, no matter how small, I'm grateful that I woke up this morning.
I just got a pair of shoes I'm grateful for these beautiful, comfortable shoes that I have.
I'm grateful for my family.
Right. So doing things with my mindfulness is about intention, doing it on purpose.
It's not going to happen by coincidence.
So intentionally moving into this space of gratitude.
And I think that can be a really powerful practice to counter this election stress that you're feeling.
You know, as I've gotten older, I have this idea that I need to be more informed and that means I care and that means I'm an active person.
But like maybe I need to step away from the national news election cycle because it just bunches me up.
And truthfully, if I really critically think what happens on a local level affects my life probably 100 times more than what happens at the national level.
Oh, yeah. So there's there's work that can be done on the local level to maybe make your community feel better or make you feel like being a part of the change, too.
Like, you know, I just want to put those two things out there because I think it's not just as clean as everything's on fire.
Well, and you're talking about hope, Robin.
You're talking about all these things on the national level.
Yeah, of course. You know, George listed off some things that on an individual level, we may not have a lot of control over.
But if we can focus on the things that we have control over, that's where the opportunity becomes.
Oh, well, these are the action steps that I can take, that at least I can feel like I can plant some seeds for what differences I can notice.
I wanted to point out one thing that George said was, I'm not going to feel any better.
I don't think I'm going to make I'm going to feel any better.
Yeah. And he's planning that seed for no matter how the election goes, is to still be hopeless or to still be fearful or just talk about it.
Ryan, talk about it, Ryan.
Well, I didn't even catch that.
Well done. Well, it's and we plant those seeds all the time.
We tell ourselves what's going to happen.
We tell ourselves what we're capable of, what we can handle, what we can't handle by planting those seeds of what's going to happen in the future.
We are creating a bias that we're now more likely to follow through on, right, of, well, this is what I believe.
So I'm going to look for reasons to agree with this belief that I already hold.
Yeah. And I'm not going to sit here and tell George that he should just believe on the day after the election is going to be sunshine and rainbows.
We're not trying to go to the opposite.
What we're trying to do is I think as some of you would agree is to kind of ground ourselves in.
We'll see. We don't know how we're going to feel then.
We know how we feel now and we know what we're capable of now, today.
So let's focus on that and that opportunity to sort of emphasize that degree of control and that degree of emotional awareness.
I want to also offer something that came up.
I don't know why this kind of ping for me when you were talking, Ryan, and the energy of doing things to counter what you're experiencing, George.
Something that came up is moving your body.
I think oftentimes when we're in this space of stress, election stress here, we get stuck.
I'm talking about physically now.
We get physically stuck.
So moving your body, maybe doing just a bit more exercise if you have an exercise regimen, maybe trying a new exercise, maybe taking a warm bath, going for a walk, have more sex.
I did not see that coming in the answer to politics.
Hey, doing things that may help you move your body and feels good.
But that intention, your attention goes where your energy flows.
Putting that intention out there to counter these strong emotions and the strong stressful vibes that you're feeling, George.
And along those same lines, I think about acts of hope, what brings you in that direction.
It's a quote that I picked up somewhere, but like planting a flower or planting a tree is an act of hope because it's like even if I'm not here to enjoy the fruits of this labor, it is worth doing it in the future.
It will benefit me or someone else in the future.
So you are literally doing something that is going to generate positive outcomes in the future.
And whether it's literally planting a seed or planting possibilities, signing up for a class, doing something that creates positive opportunity for you to look forward to in the future.
That's where you get some counterbalance to all these global things that we have less control over.
I love that. All right, George, I'm going to tell you go plant a tree, go plant some flowers, get your body moving, maybe have some romantic relations as Ksanga has directed you to do.
And we're going to find the hope.
I think we're going to find the hope.
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All right, we've got time for just one more question.
Here's Edwin. Hello, Headspace.
This is Edwin and I'm 23 and I'm from California.
So basically, I'm getting to a point where I think I'm going to have to move out from my household and just cut out my family because they're just toxic, unfortunately.
And I'm just been very bad for my mental health.
So for the sake of my mental health and peace, I'm going to have to move out and cut them out.
But the problem is that I've relied on them a lot, you know, all these years living with them.
And I don't know how well I'm going to do when I move out and I'm on my own because they're always there for me.
And I've kind of always been codependent because of that.
And I guess my question is, how do I deal with these feelings of fear and anxiety or just facing this world on my own and have nobody to come to?
So yeah, that's my question.
Thank you so much. Yeah, this is a powerful question.
Yeah. And just like sending first of all, Edwin, we're just sending, you know, compassion and love your way because that's just that's not an easy situation.
I just want to say thank you for your question, Edwin.
And really, I don't know, I want to offer you the opportunity to congratulate yourself.
I mean, you're 23, but I hear a lot of wisdom, Edwin, and really congratulate yourself on having the wisdom and the fortitude to recognize that the toxicity of your family is affecting your mental health.
And you have the fortitude to separate yourself from that and to be proactive and kind of putting yourself first in this situation to protect your mental health.
I think that takes a lot of courage and a lot of bravery.
So, you know, really kudos to you.
And I think I really want to just very intentionally mention that because that is not easy at 23 years old having lived with your family and dependent on them.
In a way, you're your own champion.
Like you lived through that, you got through it, you were able to like you have the fortitude and the wherewithal to know this is not a good situation for you and that you need to step away from it.
But it sounds to me by the question like you are going to be able to do that on your own.
I would put forward that, like I said, you are your own champion and you can do this.
And if you have to do like a no contact type situation or set those types of really strict and stringent boundaries, then I think you'll be okay and you'll put things in your life to take care of yourself.
I mean, I heard that in that question.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
I wholeheartedly agree, Rob.
Yeah, one of the reasons I love this show is when listeners take the step to share their experience and ask for help, they're taking the first step towards taking care of themselves.
That this, Edwin, this is evidence that you are able to acknowledge your needs and reach out for something beyond your family, right?
So what you're doing is evidence that you are able to reach out and connect to people even if you have to cut other people off.
And when we're feeling loneliness, especially coming out of any kind of toxic relationship, our attention can get stuck on the thing we left as opposed to that whole creating an opportunity for us to decide what we want to fill with it.
Yeah, and it's comfortable, right?
Oh, my God, of course.
It's a thing that you know.
It's like, why do we all stay with people that aren't good for us sometimes?
Exactly right. Because it's a thing you're comfortable with.
Yes. Even if it was hard or painful or abusive, there were things about it that worked for you or that kept you there.
Or it's all you know.
Yes. So we have to validate that that's why some of these leavings are so painful.
But when we are mindful and we're present and we get to see what this next thing is as an opportunity, as opposed to the story we're telling is I had to cut off my whole family.
As opposed to the story is I went out and found a new family or I went out and found my support group who sees me and accepts me and loves me.
I think that's where we get to create something positive as opposed to focusing so much attention and so much pain.
On the thing that we had to leave behind not to say that's not painful, but just that's the emphasis on that doesn't lead us toward action.
Yeah. Such a shout out for chosen family.
I'm like such a big fan of like I have all these groups of people that I went to college with and I've just I always say to them I stole their family because it's like their families are amazing.
And I'm just like, I'm like, I fit right in here.
Like, I love chosen family.
Yeah. You just mentioned college.
And so Edwin, I'm going to I just dropped off this past summer.
I just dropped off my daughter to college and this was her.
This is her first year.
Not her first time on her own, but in this, you know, her first time on her own in this capacity.
So I'm I'm I am going to give you the same speech that I gave my daughter.
Well, set the time in space.
You just got in the car.
You've already unpacked her.
You and your wife are getting ready to get back in the car and you got your arm around her.
Go. First thing is this this opportunity to step into a space of what I call empowered solitude.
This is an opportunity for Edwin to deepen his relationship with Edwin for you to learn more about yourself and to get closer to you.
Before even venturing out and finding your tribe, so to speak, allow yourself to be to sit with you for a moment and see what's brand new.
Discover what you like to do.
What do you feel in certain situations and certain environments?
Right. There's so much to learn there.
So giving yourself that grace and space to learn that.
And then what helps you to learn and to practice being with yourself is meditation.
So if you don't have a meditation practice already, I would recommend seeing what it feels like to adopt a consistent meditation practice because that's when you practice.
Literally, literally sitting with yourself and noticing what comes up as you sit with yourself in this intentional space.
And then from there, you can venture out and into different adventures.
And to piggyback on what Ryan said, it's easy.
It's easy in this brand new adventure, brand new horizon to catastrophize about what may happen.
Literally, you don't know what's going to happen.
It's OK to worry. It's OK to feel all the feels.
That's OK. But being aware of when you're letting them control you and the snowballs into something that can be harmful or destructive.
Remember when I said, you know, when my teachers told me about worry, worry is a meditation on shit.
Like literally, literally, it serves no purpose.
Really does it. Yeah.
And what it does is actually blocks your viewpoint, remembering that the universe is sending you all the signs that you need.
But if you're in a space of worry and fear and letting it take your attention away, then you're not going to recognize these signs that are continuously being sent your way.
I just want to say that was a lot different from the talk that I got when my mom moved me over to college and your daughter's very lucky.
Oh, thanks, Robin. I appreciate that.
And Edwin, you have this.
You have this. You absolutely do.
You absolutely do. You were already starting just to Ryan's point.
You're already starting.
Yeah. Find your people.
Well, I mean, those were intense questions today.
All they I mean, there was I just there's so much at stake when people are talking about their core beliefs and we're going back to the political questions, you know, what clashes with family.
And first, I just want to thank you both for your strategies and advice that you shared today.
Those are so important right now.
But my takeaway from what you all said was just about reframing to hope in all of these situations.
I think it's easy. It's easy in these in these moments and this time in this world to lose touch with that hope to to feel hopeless and let that carry away.
Yeah. What I want to also offer to the listeners is that Headspace right now has a politics without panic collection with resources to help you manage any big emotions, any strong emotions that you might be experiencing during this election cycle.
Everything from calming election anxiety to actually a meditation on information overload and setting boundaries around the news.
I absolutely love that bookmarking it, opening it, started as soon as I stopped record on this.
But but I also want to remind folks that Headspace does offer a mental health coaching and it's right in the Headspace app.
It's so easy to sign up.
And once you do, you're connected with a trained expert.
I mean, someone just like our beloved Ryan right here.
And they're going to provide live one on one care and support.
Yeah. And I think what's so great about it is that it's an option of help on your time and from anywhere.
So whatever you're going through, your coach is there for you every step of the way.
Oh, my God. And I think this episode shows how much folks could really use all of this support right now.
So but, you know, speaking of support, speaking of listeners and speaking of the show, thank you to our listeners for their just timely questions.
Sarah, George and Edwin, we appreciate you.
And if you are out there and you're listening and you think, God, I'd like to ask a question to your headspace.
Well, we've made it pretty darn easy.
You just have to head to say hi dot chat slash your headspace.
Follow the prompts to record.
And of course, the link is in the show notes.
And if we do happen to use your question on your headspace, you're going to get three months of headspace for free, which is a bargain.
And now drumroll, please.
My favorite part is when we offer you some time to transition from everything that you just heard.
It's an opportunity to process or just reflect or just be still for a moment before you get into your next activity.
So here today are the peaceful sounds of a campfire by a lake.
And as you listen, allowing your mind to do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy and be kind to each other.
All right. All right.
Dear headspace is a headspace studio's original podcast.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer and Sarah Cohen and produced by Taylor Jennings Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Rosie Acosta, Kesunga Giscombe, Dora Kamau, and Eve Lewis Prieto.
Post -production by Dan Kroll, music by Scott Sorensen and Chris Marguilla.
It was developed by Ash Jones, Scott Sorensen, Robin Hopkins and Baron Farmer.
And a special thanks to Danny Carissimi and Colleen Lux.
