Hieveryone, it'sKeisunga.
Just a reminder that you can listen to all of ourpodcasts, add free on the Headspaceapp.
Headspaceclear! Well hello there dear Headspacelisteners, it's me Robin and today I'm here with my pal Dora and we are going to be answering your questions about what to do when your girlfriend gets harassed on thestreet.
Also about what to do when you feel disconnected and lonely and you're having trouble finding yourpeople.
We also have a question about when your teenager doesn't want tomeditate.
So you asked and now we are going toanswer.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speeddial?
Someone you can call after a longday.
Someone you could lean on for theiradvice.
Someone to listen and help you to see thingsdifferently.
Welcome to DearHeadspace, a podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer yourquestions.
HiDora!Hey! Look atit, it'ssummer, it'ssunny, it's you andme, what could be better thanthis?
Nothing, literally nothingelse.
Right,nothing, that would have really stunk if you were like well lots of thingsRobin.
No,no, I love doingthese, this is sogreat, I'm so excited to dive into all the questionstoday.
I know metoo.Alright, here is our first one fromPablo.
HiHeadspace, Pablo here fromMexico.
I'm 27 years old and my question is about dealing withharassment.
So you know with spring here and summer just around thecorner, it seems as though every time I go out with mygirlfriend, there's always at least one guy that straight out harassingher.
Now I don't act on it and I neverwould.
I know that the whole damsel and distress thing is a very misogynistic way of seeingthings.
And I also know that starting a fight only makes thingsworse.
But the feeling of anger and frustration of someone basically assaulting someone that I love does tend tostick.
So I do know that once again my frustration is only a tiny fraction of what women have to go through everyday.
But my question is how can I cope with thosefeelings?
Oh, thank you for thisquestion,Pablo.
I just want to sayfirst, it's so nice to hear him say so many things about like not trying to come in and give his girlfriend something that she didn't ask for orthat, youknow,like, like talking about themisogynistic, youknow, the saviorcomplex, if youwill.
So it's just really nice to hear him say all that stuff right uptop.
Yeah,yeah. And also just the like de-centering of himself in that I think is reallybeautiful.
And also the awareness that he hasalready, like I think his question also has so many answersand, youknow, something that I was thinking about as he was sharing was on a more generallevel, like looking at our relationship toanger,right?
I think about how anger wastaught, like how doyou, how do you approach anger in myfamily?
How that was taught to me and how I've been conditioned to viewanger, maybe as this thing that's kind of like big and overwhelming and scaryand, youknow, sometimes there can be a lot of shame withanger.
So a question that I would have for him and even foryou,Robin, if we could even bring it back to ourselves is how have I never feltlike, youknow, Imean, it's a goodquestion.
To beginwith, of how have you been conditioned to respond to anger and even your relationship to anger because there's a lot of wisdom in looking at that and getting curiousaround, how is it that we relate to anger in the firstplace?
Well, I think that's such an interesting point that you're making because forme, anger was just part for the course of myhouse.
It was like it was just the door slamming and the door slamming and the screaming and the yelling and the we were of the generation that was before corporal punishment was frownedupon.
So there was all kinds of stuff like that and it was just kind of theseventies.
The first thing that came to me waslike, I wonder if he's asked his girlfriend if she has an issue withit.
Imean, I don't know that anybody loves being cat called or unwantedattention, but like maybe it's misplace anger because maybe she's not having anissue.
Maybe she just is going about herday.
I don't know if that's part of it ornot, but it's do a certainsense, not aboutyou.
Yeah,yeah,yeah, that's sointeresting.
That's something else as well as like checking in with what her needsare.
Yeah, youknow, I have friends who wouldn't mind being catcalled, youknow, in front of their boyfriend because they feelnice.
Yeah, youknow, it's like a fewyears,50s.
I'm begging for someone to callme.
Yeah,yeah, butagain, I think when someone you love is being harassed as youshare, there's a lot that can comeup.
And I think my other question then wouldbe, youknow, who do you become when you don't allow yourself to express thatanger, like that repressedanger?
Yeah, also then transforms into somethingelse.
And so what I know fromcompassion,there's, I think we've talked about this on thispodcast.
There's the inside ofcompassion, which is soft and loving andtender.
And then there's young side ofcompassion, which isfierce.
Right. And that compassion is what leads us to set boundaries or to advocate for others or to speakup.
And so I think there's a way in which this anger that he's experiencing can be used or channeled forgood, youknow, that may look like settingboundaries, not all anger or conflict needs to lead to a fight aswell.
There's a way that we can use it to clarify our needs or to help us speak up forourselves.
And that could also be something that can be done in this situation aswell.
Yeah.Well, and also going back a little bit to what are herneeds.
I thinkabout, we had a couple's therapist once my wife and I whosaid, oftentimes we give our partners the thing that we how we would want to becomforted.
Andmy, like my go to is alwayslike,yeah, I'll take care ofit.
I'll handleit. And I get alllike, and it's not at all what Mary needs or wants almostever.
And so then I have to do some work to look at myself andgoing,oh, isthis, is this aboutme?
Yeah. Do I just maybe not like how what just happened toher?
Andlike, I have to process it formyself.
SoI, and that's why I think it's like two steps or two layers of checking in and making sureshe, like she might befine.
Or she might be justlike, I just want to complain about this for a second or let's walk down a differentstreet.
Then you're left with like what you weresaying,Dora, like whatever is happening inside of you and you have to process thatoff.
Yeah.Yeah. And I think it's adance.
Youknow, it's something that checking in and also checking in with her is something that you'll continually have todo.
I don't think it's a linear process aswell.
But something that will continue tounfold.
And what you had just mentioned to about like be unmet need of itall.
I'm curious then what this need of his is in thatmoment.
Yeah. Youknow, like is he maybe protecting in himself or trying to express or what is this oryeah, because that's what I feelsometimes.
Yeah. Youknow, like I'm thinking back to a time when Mary and I both used to have like scooters like Vespa typescooters.
Yeah. And she was riding in front of me one time and somebody jumped out in front of her and she skid thescooter.
And I ran really quickly and checked onher.
I saw that she wasokay. And then I immediately ran over and started to try to scream at these people because they were just walkingaway.
Because I waslike, because my whole thing was I was so scared and so afraid I waslike, you could have killedher.
Like and you didn't evenstop.
And she was just over there like sitting herealone.
And she needed me to be there forher.
And I truly thought I waslike, look at mehelping.
Yeah. Youknow, and I wasnot.
Yeah. And ashumans, weare, youknow, caring and good passionate andlately, Ibelieve, youknow, we all have this side toourselves.
And so Imean, this is where the practice can be really helpful to help us not be so reactive or impulsive in thosemoments, but maybe find them more skillful and healthyresponse.
So I'm sure all of us teachers have talked about the stoptechnique.
Yeah. Or there's another practice that Ilove.
Soffin,Sue, theLau, where noticing that feeling of anger in thebody.
If youcan, if there is that space to do that identifying where in the body that is seeing if you can take a deep breath and soften thatfeeling.
Apply soothing touch to thebody.
So I always place a hand on my heart and just allowing that feeling to be there as it is like honoringit.
We don't have to try to get rid of it right away or resisted or get really upset that it'shappening.
But just taking a moment to allow that anger to actually be in the body so that it's not as overwhelming or all consuming because then that also narrows ourperception.
Right. Anger can be can really distort our view of reality in thosemoments.
And so this helps us just to open up a little bitmore.
And then hopefully we can choose a more like skillful response that we won't regret afterwards in themoment.
Yeah, regrets a really important phrase inthere.
Youknow, and that I think like you said goes both ways like you don't want to regret that you didn't like take care of yourperson.
And you don't want to regret that you did something to make you unsafe too because that is a that is a can be a factor with you don't know what anybody's going through at any moment on thestreet.
And I think better to be safe thansorry.
Yeah, so I feel like there's so much in here like having a conversation with yourpartner.
Imean, could bring you closer together than furtherapart, but also making sure that you're tending to that anger because I definitely know people and I know within myself that that anger justcompiles.
Oh,sure.Right. And then all of a sudden you become an angry person like it's identity and it's really not there's so much more to us than the emotions that weexperience.
Yeah, especially some of like Pablo who's got such a thoughtful and sweetquestion.
So goodluck, Pablo and youknow, keep usposted.
I hope that I don'tknow.
I hope it gets better in there's less of theseinteractions.
We canhope.Yeah, shout out to you for this healthy masculinity that is being shared in thismoment.
Yeah, it's sobeautiful.
Allright, here is our next question fromZoe.
Hithere. My name isZoe.
I'm from Canadalately.
I've been really struggling with feeling deeplylonely, sad anddisconnected.
I've struggled with anxiety and social anxiety for quite a longtime.
And while I do have some friends and I'm very close with my family and somecoworkers, I still can't shake feeling really disconnected from those aroundme.
I've neverdated, not because I'm notinterested, but because no one's really ever shown any interest inme.
And I have a very hard time with comparing myself to my friends and peers aroundme.
I feel like I push myself a lot to try new things and meet newpeople, but no new friendships or connections ever really stick it feelslike.
And I'm starting to feel very dejected and self critical aboutit.
And I have a hard time not feeling like I'm theproblem.
If you have any advice on how to not feel this loneliness and such like the crushing way or how to connect more with people or to make newfriends, I'd really appreciateit.
Thank you for your time and all the amazing things you guys do atheadspace.
Thank you for thisquestion,Zoe.
This ishard. This isreally, reallyhard.
Imean, we'vetalked, Ithink, many times on this podcast about trying to find yourpeople, but this is like another layer of just a sadness anddejectedness.
And I think it'sa, it's a really importantquestion.
And I'll tell youwhat, like I felt this apportion of what you'resaying,Zoe, I felt it in highschool, like struggling to find people and then in college and there after like struggling to find somebody that like could be mypartner.
And I know that I think a lot of it for me was I was not open oravailable, like the lights wereoff.
I was walking around theworld, but I wasn'topen.
I wonder if maybe there's a question to be asked about what could be blocking letting peoplein.
Youknow, I don'tknow. I never want to put it back on the person because it'snot, it's an a faultthing.
So I hope that didn't come out thatway.
I think questions are soimportant,right?
Because sometimes it just ends up as a statement of I'm just a lonelyperson, youknow, and then we aren't able to get curious around what else is true in thismoment.
I'm certified anxious lonelygirl.
I will rock it and I feelyeah, deeply resonate with this question alot.
And I also know that it's so easy in those moments when I'm at home to get lost in the story that my mind is telling me about myself forgetting that I'm athome.
I haven't put myself outthere.
I'm literally on mycouch.
Because it is storage just a hopskip and a jump to nobody lovesme.
I'm notattractive. I'm not funnyenough.
I'm not livableenough.
Like it's you can really make up a lot ofstories, but why it ain'thappening.
Yeah. Andagain, the stories forsure,Valid, I'm sure we could find theevidence, butagain, there's so much more tothat.
Andyeah, I really encourageyou.
It sounds like you have been doingthis, but something that I've been doing is taking up new hobbies and doing things that I love so that I'm making sure that I'm not choosing the wrong people out of that sense ofloneliness.
Yeah. Sometimes you can be really desperate to form connections and then we form connections with people that's justlike, wait asecond.
Now I feel evenmore. I got myself intoit.
Yeah, you feel more lonely than you did before because you're not with yourpeople.
So I've been really intentional about the different things that I'mdoing.
So going to meditationstudios, going tomuseums.
I really wanted to dopottery.
Yeah. And finding people through those things that I love rather than justlike, I don'tknow, I just see myselflike, hang out on the street corner being like someone be myfriend.
Please. And whoevercomes.
Every bad relation to myhead, my20s, because I was just like that person liked me like it waslike, I'll sayyes, whether this is good for me ornot.
Likethat's, youknow, that's why it's like I was thinking about as you are saying all that door I was thinkingabout, would it be beneficial to you Zoe to spend some time like writingdown.
What is it you're lookingfor?
Youknow, because like normally I think we approach this questionlike, do are you doingmeetups?
Areyou, youknow, you doit?
And I think all those are valid and thoseare, youknow, those are to a certain extent low hangingfruit.
Yeah.Yeah. Dothat. Like go do hikinggroups, but alsolike, what are you looking for in afriendship?
You don't need 100friends.
You could have two really excellentfriends.
Doesit, do they need to be people that yousee?
Can they be virtualfriendships?
Do they need tobe? Are you looking for people who are emotionallyavailable?
Are you looking for people you want more of surfaceconnections?
Like I know exactly the type of people that I like in mylife.
I like veryloyal,strong, deep friendships where we don't talk aboutBS.
Like I don't want to sit around talk about sports withyou.
I want to talk about the meaning of life and I want to travel and I want to have fun and I want to laugh and be dumb aroundyou.
And I'malways, I always have like an antenna up looking for those types ofpeople.
And my wife is not a person who has a lot of deepfriendships.
And so she's alwayslike, how do you find all thesepeople?
I'mlike, I'm alwayslooking.
And when I see anyone who like fits thatbill, I'mlike,oh, they're one of the goodones.
And then I just like kind of that I'm alwayslike,hi.
It'sme, itme, it meRobin.
What do youdo? I like to have people that I can talk to aroundme.
And so it'slike, but it's that's me and Mary does not wantthat.
Solike,Zoe, what do youwant?
And what are you lookingfor?
And are you actively looking forthat?
Or to DorisPoint, our story is kind of runningrampant.
Imean, it also sounds like developing a values list when it comes to yourfriendships, like the things that you value infriendship.
And also checking yourself to see if you live up to those values aswell, because it'sout.
Imean, she did say mentioncomparison,which, youknow, comparison is just another form ofjudgment.
And oftentimes we are comparing ourselves to people who may not actually be what we seeonline.
Yeah.Right. And so having values that you can kind of use is like litmus test for the people that you are meeting and ensuring that you're living true to those values aswell.
So there is that sense of alignment in the people that you're making friendshipswith.
Butyeah, I think that'sreally, reallyimportant.
And I think keep in mind also not every person has to be everything toyou.
And that doesn't mean that friendship needs to be thrown out like you may meet people along the way who are justfun.
They're not maybe the most responsible person that you're going to call incrisis.
But you they're the person that you'relike, I have an extra ticket to X Y and Zgame.
Would you like to go and they'relike,oh,yeah.
Youknow, like I have people that I know I that can handle my emotions if I needit.
And I have people that just want to go to the beach on a Saturday and they'd be up foranything.
Me not anything like I'm50, what am Idoing?
Like I'm going to be a bad bynine, but you know what I'msaying.
Yeah. I'll stop53. I'mlike, I'm just like downgraded myage.
I'mlike, like it's apodcast.
Why am I why am I down30, myage?
There's nothing but a number that keeps goingup,up,up.
I will saythough, make sure you check out the loneliness course that we have in the head spaceapp.
I used it when I first moved toLA.
It wasreally, really helpful to kind of create some space between those stories that I did have in my mind and also find a sense of peace and beingalone.
I think being alone is areally, really beautiful and transformative season that we can gothrough.
Like being able to feel comfortable in our own company becauseagain, it can help us from kind of regretting friendships that we make out ofdesperation.
Yeah. Soyeah, highly recommend checking out that loneliness pack in the head spaceapp.
I lovethat. Andlisten,Zoe, find your way toBrooklyn.
Let'shang. We're allavailable.
Really. I'mavailable.
Finally.Fine. Whatever'sclosest.
Allright. We will be rightback.
Okay. We've got one morequestion.
Here wego.Hello. My name is Rosara and I am from CostaRica.
I'm a huge fan of all the head space podcast and I meditatedaily.
You have helped me a lot with my anxiety and my stress and also sometimes with my sadness because you have been such a huge help in mylife.
I want to share this with myson.
He's ateenager. He's routine and that's myquestion.
When he waslittle, maybe when he was anine-year-old, a yearold, we used to meditate before he went tosleep.
But we stopped and then he starts saying that meditation brings him more anxiety and he doesn't feelgood.
So if you can give me some advice for myson, how can I encourage him to meditate and not to think about how the system is notpositive.
Instead, the opposite is that how meditation can helphim.
How can I make him to meditateagain?
Thank you so much for your helpalways.
Dora, I have a feeling there are some phrases inthere, make him and I have a feeling the advice may not be for herson, but perhaps forher.
Am I on the right pathhere?
Well, something that stuck out to me is she mentioned how can I get him to think more positively about thepractice.
Yet, she also mentioned that he feels anxious while he is practicing and I always say that feeling trumpsthinking.
So if you are feeling worse while you'remeditating, do somethingelse.
Yes, the practice is not meant to make you feel worse than when youstarted.
Andsure, there is that temporary moment or temporary moments where we become aware of maybe certainthoughts, emotions that we weren't awareof.
And there is thatdiscomfort, but if you are physically feeling bad or more anxious or more depressed after youmeditate, try otherthings.
I am not a person that will make someone meditate and I've learned the hard way by scaring friends and getting family members avoidme.
So I think it's important to take care of your body and find something thatworks.
Thatworks. Maybe coaching your therapy will be something that's morehelpful.
I always say that coaching in therapy is like meditation outloud.
Youknow, sort of using yourmind.
You have someone else that can be there to support you through thispractice.
So finding something thatworks, but definitely don't want to feel worse as you'remeditating.
Yeah. And that I also think maybe walkingmeditation, if he's comfortable withit, but or maybe not atall, like to do ourpoint.
But as aparent, it's like that roller coaster of I need to show my kids a healthy way tolive.
And I feel actual panic that I haven't done enough and it's all going to they're going to go out in the world and not be cooked or like I didn't give them the tools theyneed.
And what I know is like when I forceit, whether it be therapy or meditation or maybe even like foodchoices, when I forceit, they make worsedecisions.
And like all I can do is try tosay,look, I'm trying to help you make educateddecisions, especiallyif, youknow, she said her son is ateen.
So especially at thatteenage, like it's that almost that like baton handoffpoint.
Like in arelay, you're still running behind them for another like a hundredyards, just beinglike,oh,go,go,go.
You're still theresupporting, but there has to be a handoff and the way I'm trying to approach it is like I'm going to put it all in front ofyou.
I'm going to tell you why I think this is perhapshelpful.
And then if you don't gothere, I'm going to try to give you another choice because it's they're not at that age any longer where I can just go you eat thecarrots.
But just not and it'shard.
That's a very hardtransition.
Yeah, at least it is forme.
I'll say it likethat. Imean, at thatage, youknow, as ateen, you're wanting to beautonomous,right?
Yeah. And have choice and kind of figure things out foryourself.
And youknow, kind of feel like you're anadult, notreally, but youknow, you're really discovering yourself at thatage.
And I think it's important toagain, just create thecondition.
So it's beautiful that youknow, he did have a practice in thebeginning.
Yeah. Maybe it's something that he comes back aroundto, but I'm curious and you can probably correct me on the parenting aspect ofthis.
But even just asking himlike, what feelsgood, youknow, what actually helps you feel lessanxious?
And how can I like nurture and support you in doing more ofthat?
So it might not be meditation ormindfulness, but it could be something that just helps him to feel good and to feel safe and to feel grounded andsupported.
Soyeah, maybe introducing more of thosethings, but still giving him the freedom to choose what it is that he wants todo.
And trusting your ability to be a parent and you provided him with all these great tools already and a really fundamental part of hislife.
And trusting he'll come back to it at a latertime.
I have a lot of friends who have parents that were teachers and grewup, youknow, having a yoga teacher in theirhome.
And they said they would never doyoga.
And then now they're yoga teachers and meditationteachers.
So it's interesting how thathappens.
But Ithink,yeah, all of them that I'm thinking about right now came back to the practice at a latertime.
Yeah. Your kids do come back around like because if you're putting these things in his life and he was connected at somepoint.
Yeah. It'll bethere.Yeah.
And I'm curious for you in knowing that your child doesn't want to meditate rightnow.
Like what does that make you feel about yourself and your ability to parent because there also could be this sense of like maybe insecurity or inadequacy as if you're maybe failing at yourjob.
Maybe not to thatextreme, but there could be that something that's coming up for you to look at in this process that maybe is making you be more forceful and wanting him tomeditate.
Yeah. But it could be an opportunity for you to also practice letting go right and acceptit.
100%allowance.Yeah. That's like all that age is getting comfortable with the fact that you can't do anything about what they're goingthrough.
I'm saying to my kids all the time now like we're giving we've given you the tools were continue to be here tosupport.
But you're walking into a phase where you have to make your smart decisions for yourself and it is really hard to sitwith.
So without a time withyou, it is very hard to sit with and to relinquish thatcontrol.
Yeah. Another thing I'll say is like in Westernculture.
Parenting is such an individualistic thing and I wonder if community would also be helpful in this and bringing in other parents or other children to kind of support you in thisprocess.
So youknow, you're not alone in making these decisions becauseagain, I feel like some of those stories that we have of like fear or what's going tohappen.
It really starts to flourish when we're byourselves.
But being in community can help kind of soften this like load that you're carryingof.
Is he going to dowell? What's going tohappen?
I want him to meditate but like sharing the burden ofparenting.
Yeah. And teenage years with others who are on the same journey can be helpfultoo.
I wrote an essay about it called OPs like older wiser parents and I have a few of them in my community that I call when I'm in over myhead.
And their kids only need to be a few years older than mine to be a phaseahead.
And they'll be like you actually don't need to worry aboutthat.
You do need to worry aboutthis.
And that is I find that to be fantastic advice or because it's you need people who've gone before you and to tell youlisten, this is frightening but it's all going to beokay.
Soyeah.Rosada, I'm telling you this is frightening but it's all going to beokay.
And we are here with you and for you and you know it's in solidarity all the ways we are withyou.
Not all theways. I was a horrible teenager so I got a lot of wisdomthere.
I find that hard tobelieve.
Oh, Iwas. Thank you for the practice though because ifnot, I don't know where I'dbe.
Thank you for thisquestion.
And I do want to share like these are all just such fantasticquestions.
I do want to share that headspace now has mental health coaching that's available in the headspace app and and it's I think this can be a great option for many people or you can connect with a trainedexpert.
Someonelike, youknow, some of the coaches that we have on your headspace like coachCorey, Nika and you can get live one-on-one care andsupport.
Imean, it's just so fantastic for that everyday anxiety and stress and and youknow, it's help on yourtime.
You can do it fromanywhere, whatever you're going through your coaches there every step of theway.
So I think that's prettylovely.
It'samazing. You know what came tomind?
I just forgot that we have a unicorn island that we did with Lily Singh and the mindful adventures of the mindful adventures of unicorn island with LilySingh.
And although it's supposed to be a kidsshow, I honestly watched it and it was really helpful and I've been like telling people to watch it whether they're 10 or 40 because the life lessons are endless inthat.
So Imean, it's a TVshow, but we talked a lot about emotional intelligence and emotionalregulation.
So maybe that could be another offeringtoo.
And we lovethat. And youknow, and while we're here and we want to say thank you toPablo, toZoe, to Rosalda for your questions today and to our community of folks who arelistening.
Listen, your questions are the heart of theshow.
So if you've ever had a question and you wanted to ask one of our incredible headspace teachers like my pal Dorahere, all you have to do is go to say hi.chat slash to yourheadspace.
You're going to follow the prompts and just remember no question is offlimits.
So that links going to be in the shownotes.
And if we do use your question onto yourheadspace, you're going to get three months of headspace forfree.
Freeheadspace.Yes, please keep the questionscoming.
I love answeringthem, but I also love reflecting on how these are presenting and manifesting in my ownlife.
I think I always leave feelinglike,yeah, I resonated with all of these questions always always thankyou.
Thankyou. Thankyou. And now my other favorite part of the show is where we leave you a bit of space and time just to reflect on everything that has come up and everything that has beenshared.
So leaving you now with the soothing sounds of the ocean off in the distance at the red wood forest sitback,relax, take a deep breath andenjoy.
Until nexttime, stayhappy, stay healthy and be kind to eachother.
Stayhealthy. Stayhealthy.
Stayhealthy. Stayhealthy.
Stayhealthy. Stayhealthy.
Stayhealthy. Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios originalpodcast.
It's executive produced by Morgan Celser and Sarah Cohn and produced by Taylor JenningsBrown.
It's hosted and produced by RobinHopkins, RosieAcosta, Kessanga GiscomeBay, Dora Kamau and Eve LewisPrieto.
Post production by DanCrowell, Music by Scott Sorenson and ChrisMarguilla.
It was developed by AshJones, ScottSorenson, Robin Hopkins and BaronFarmer.
