From approximately age 17 until now, I've been sort of learning how to be an adult and It started at 17 for me because I finished school and I started working.
I was in the real world and I had real responsibilities.
And it's been an incredible experience. Like I've loved the transition from childhood to adulthood.
It's been one of the most challenging phases of my life thus far, but also one of the most rewarding because being a child, being immature, is really exhausting.
Like not having social skills, not having emotional intelligence, not knowing how to handle things.
Like not having an archive of information in your brain is really exhausting.
There's so much peace that comes with growing up. and gaining wisdom.
It's so wonderful, and it is painful at times.
There are definitely growing pains, but I'm at the point now at age 24 where like, I think the worst of it is over and my brain is developed enough now where it's like, all right, I still have a lot to learn, but I have enough figured out that I'm now able to sort of bask in the fruits of my maturity.
I guess. But I will say there have been some interesting challenges on this journey from childhood to adulthood And one of the most confusing has been making friends as an adult, because it's very different than making friends as a child.
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Now back to the episode. You learn how to make friends at a very young age, as young as two years old.
You know, you go to the park and your parents are like, hey, go talk to that kid.
You should invite this kid to your birthday party before you can even really talk.
It's like one of the first things we learn how to do, how to make friends.
And making friends when you're a kid is very different to making friends when you're an adult.
And it's almost like you have to relearn everything. which is challenging.
It's almost easier in the transition from childhood to adulthood to learn something brand new.
You're starting from scratch. you know, it's almost harder to take something that you know and you understand and you're familiar with and then to deconstruct it and reconstruct it.
It's, particularly challenging. And I had that experience over the last few years in the change from having immature friendships to mature friendships.
And when I'm saying the word immature, I'm not using it as a derogatory term.
I mean immature in a literal sense, like I was actually a kid Whereas now I'm actually an adult.
And so my friendships are naturally more mature.
But the transition, at least for me, has been challenging.
But I feel like I'm finally at a place now where I get it.
It's clicked. And now making friends as an adult is a skill that I feel really comfortable with.
I have it figured out, but it's been a journey.
And so today I want to talk about the challenges of making friends as an adult.
And listen, the transition from immature to mature friendships happens to everybody at different times.
Sometimes it never happens. You know, I've seen full-on adults in toxic high school-esque sort of friend groups.
They never actually matured in that area.
And that's unfortunate. Because I do think, even though in a lot of ways it is sort of more challenging to make friends as an adult, I think the friendships that you make as an adult have the potential to be so wonderful in a way that immature friendships never really can be.
There are certain things that you learn when you're a kid that remain the same and remain true for the rest of your life.
Like for example, you might be taught as a young person, work ethic, discipline, things like that.
And those things, you don't really have to unlearn and then relearn.
Like for example, when you're young, you might learn about discipline, through working hard at school and dedicating yourself to a sport or a hobby.
And when you transition into your work life, that skill is sort of the same.
It's a very seamless transition. Whereas friendship... is not.
It's so different. When you're a kid, your pool of friend options are limited to where your parents drop you off every day. which is pretty much just school and extracurricular activities.
And this can be helpful because there's a built-in routine and familiarity with these communities. and you're sort of forced to see the same people every day which naturally develops friendship. but it's out of your control.
You're just put into these communities and forced to bloom where you're planted.
And I think that in some ways can teach us I don't know, in a way, maybe, I don't wanna say settle for a friendship that isn't truly fulfilling, but I do think that that does happen.
Like when I look back at my school years, And I look back at my groups of friends.
To be honest, I don't think they were the perfect match for me.
And that is not me saying anything mean about the people I was friends with.
But once I left school, a lot of those friendships dwindled.
And I think that's because they were maybe the best match for me in that pool of people.
But in the real world, they're actually not a good match for me.
When you take the entire world... As an option for your friends, like when you're an adult and you can expose yourself to any community you want, you have more options and thus you can find that are the perfect match for you.
That's actually a possibility because the opportunities are endless.
Whereas in school, it's very confined. So you do end up sort of settling and working with what you got.
And this can be a good thing because I think it's important to learn how to be friendly and be friends with With all different types of people, even if maybe it's not the perfect match, like that's a good skill to have to know how to do that.
But it can also be incredibly challenging if you get a bad pool of people in your school and you don't click with anyone and that's all you got and you don't have autonomy because you're a child.
And so it can be really challenging and lonely if just for whatever reason you get dealt a bad hand.
But again, I think that that challenge teaches us important social skills.
Also when you're a child, your relationships are monitored and managed by the adults in your life. were often taught as children to be friends with everyone.
I feel like that was something that was really heavily instilled into me as a young person.
Like, You got to be friends with everybody.
And that was really challenging for me because we just don't like everyone.
And When you're in school and adults are managing your relationships, they're not going to let you exclude somebody.
A teacher is going to put you in a group for a group project with somebody that maybe you don't like.
When you're an adult, you don't have to be friends with people who you don't like.
And you shouldn't. I think that's my opinion.
Why waste your time? So it's very different.
Like You grow up thinking that everyone needs to be your friend, like your best friend.
Everyone needs to be invited to your birthday party in your class.
When it's Valentine's Day, you need to make valentines for everyone in your class.
And again, I'm not trying to like overthink this or overcomplicate this.
At least in my experience, this sort of message stuck with me in a really significant way where I then grew up and I was like, I guess I have to be friends with everybody.
And that actually ended up kind of biting me in the ass down the line.
And we can get into that later. But it's like, you actually don't want to be friends with everybody when you're an adult.
That is not the right philosophy. Should you be friendly and kind and respectful?
Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think that's the element of it that you should take with you into adulthood. somebody who takes things very literally.
And so I became an adult and was like, I need to be friends with everybody.
And that didn't translate well. But also, too, our parents, our teachers heavily control who we get to spend our time with.
And so we might have a good click with somebody, but our parents are like, eh, we don't like that kid.
No, you can't hang out with that kid. That didn't really ever happen to me, but I saw that happening to other kids. you know, certain parents are really strict.
And if they think a kid is a bad influence, I mean, I get it.
Right. But if that's like your child's best friend, it's sad.
There's such a lack of autonomy when it comes to friendships and relationships as a kid that, again, then when you get into the real world, it's like there's no one telling you who to be friends with and who to not be friends with.
You have to then develop that skill on your own.
As a kid, you really don't develop that skill.
There's a lot of influence, at least for a lot of kids.
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Immature friendships are complicated because children are complicated.
I don't know the saying. Something about like playing in the knife drawer.
But that's kind of how it is with kids. Like friendships and social interactions when you're immature...
It's dangerous a little bit. Children don't have developed social skills.
They don't have emotional intelligence They don't have social cues.
They don't understand the repercussions of their actions.
They can't comprehend how their words impact others.
Kids can be mean and unfair, and they can be bad friends.
Not because they're necessarily bad people, but because they just don't have enough life experience.
And I think friendship between young people can be so incredibly painful because of that.
Because there's a lack of life experience and a lack of wisdom, there's a lot of clickiness. young people don't know better and it can very quickly become toxic.
But also, young people don't have an understanding of boundaries. having boundaries is a mature, evolved way of existing.
Like, it takes a lot of time to figure that out.
Even full-grown adults are still trying to figure out their personal boundaries in their lives and their relationships. it's safe to say that young people definitely don't have boundaries, which can lead to codependent relationships, clinginess.
I remember my friendships in school were so tight-knit to the point where it was unhealthy. hanging out with friends every weekend, sleepover, sleepover, sleepover, living at each other's houses.
It was like, so intense. And that's a magical time.
Like if I had a kid, right, I wouldn't be like, well, this is lacking boundaries and you guys are spending too much time together and it's, you know, It's leading to, at times, friction and overexposure to one another, and that's why you guys bicker sometimes. you don't have an identity outside of your friendship.
It's a normal part of being a young person.
I think the only reason why now I understand my boundaries is because There was a time in my life where I didn't have any boundaries in my friendships and I would fully... dive right in with every single cell of my being.
And there were some challenging elements in that.
It was really fun, but it's not a sustainable friendship model.
I learned the hard way. And it's just not healthy and balanced.
But I don't regret that. But now that I'm an adult, I know better.
But I feel like there's this uncomfortable period of time for every young adult where you have this sort of extreme situation due to the communities that you're confined to, and being under management by adults. and not understanding boundaries to then being an adult.
And it just feels like everything changes.
And I don't know why the difference, at least to me, feels so stark.
Because when I think about it, it's like being disciplined in school and then being disciplined in your work life is very different.
The stakes are very different, but for some reason, it's not a stark difference to me.
Once you learn discipline, you get it. And you don't need to relearn it.
You're just adding to it, adding to it, adding to it.
And listen, maybe it isn't a challenging transition for everyone, but for me it felt really jarring and confusing.
And it sort of came to my attention when I moved out at 17.
I moved to L.A., I'm in the real world.
I'm working. I can be friends with literally whoever.
I can insert myself into any community. I have a car.
I can drive myself wherever I want to go.
I can be friends with anyone in the world.
If I want to get on a plane and fly across the country for a month and meet an entire new friend group, I can.
I now have all of this autonomy. And I don't know what the fuck to do.
You know, I didn't know how to make friends.
And I wasn't like analytical enough either. to sort of self-reflect and recognize what maybe isn't going to work as an adult.
Like that didn't cross my mind. So I just got thrown into the real world and it was like, okay, time to make friends.
And I had no fucking idea what to do. I feel like I sort of just became friends with whoever.
And I sort of kept that sort of philosophy of just be friends with everybody.
Like, anytime I was introduced to somebody I remotely liked, I was like, okay, I guess I'm friends with that person now.
Which... led to a lot of failed friendships because I wasn't being critical of who I was being friends with.
I wasn't... deeply analyzing their character and what they like to do.
And I wasn't thinking about our compatibility.
I wasn't really deeply thinking about it.
I was just kind of being friends with whoever.
As long as someone didn't rub me the wrong way, I would be friends with them.
And there were even instances where somebody would rub me the wrong way.
I'd be like, eh. I don't know if I like this person that much and I would end up being friends with them anyway because I was like, eh, like, I don't know.
Fuck it. I just wasn't really thinking about it.
And it was kind of a turbulent time. You know, there was a lot of drama.
There was a lot of failed friendships, a lot of even at times toxic friendships.
Like, Again, it's like playing in a knife drawer.
When you don't have the skills, you end up getting hurt.
It really does feel like once you become an adult, you have to learn how to make friends all over again.
It's unlearning, it's deconstructing, and it's reconstructing.
When you're an adult, the only built in community you have in your life is your work.
But I think the challenging thing with work is that your work circumstance is a bit more unpredictable than your school circumstance.
Like at school, you're in a grade with a bunch of kids your age that are going through the exact same thing as you at the exact same time.
And there are kids in other grades too, and maybe you're friends with them, but you have this guaranteed group of kids that are your age that you can automatically relate to in a working setting, that's not guaranteed.
You might go work at a law firm, with a bunch of people 20, 30 years older than you.
If you have, let's say, three people at your job who are your age, the likelihood that you're going to click with them is low, I would say.
Because out of like a hundred people your age, you might click with, what, two?
To the point where you're actually like good friends.
I don't know, maybe five if you're particularly extroverted.
And that's a data point I just made up, by the way.
That is not a real statistic, okay? But I'm just guessing.
I'm thinking about myself in guessing. And I think it's close enough.
So work can be an incredible opportunity to make friends.
You know, you might work in an environment where there's a lot of people your age who you connect with.
There might also be people who are not your age who you click with because that's absolutely possible.
But it's just, it's not as built in. I know earlier I said that it's tough at school because you're forced to be with this confined group of kids and you may or may not find success in it.
It's even harder, I think, as an adult because your built-in community is even less likely to be compatible with you.
You have an even more confined built-in group.
But the difference is, is that as an adult, you now have complete autonomy over what you do with yourself.
So you can go. and explore outside of your work setting.
But the other element of work that's sometimes complicated is you might work from home.
If you work from home, like I do, you don't interact with people very often.
And unless you were homeschooled, which is somewhat rare.
I mean, I think that definitely happens.
And I don't even know... I wouldn't, being homeschooled would be really challenging.
I can't even speak to that because I have no idea what that experience would be like.
And I mean, unless you have like multiple extracurricular activities that you're doing in addition to the homeschool, I have no clue how you'd even make friends.
You're alone. You're at home doing school.
So I don't even know how that would work.
I can't even speak to that, but that's definitely a more unusual sort of situation.
Whereas working from home is much more common. then it's even more challenging.
You don't have that built-in community at all.
You used to at school have this built-in community that has its shortcomings, but at least you had that.
If you go from that to them working from home.
It's like, what the fuck? Where do I even begin?
You know? But again, at least you have autonomy.
But it's just a different structure. And I think for a lot of us, the sort of built-in social element that we got from school can often drastically change.
Not for everyone, but for a lot of people.
But the bright side is that being an adult means you have that autonomy.
But Even though you have that autonomy, it's not automatically easy to utilize that autonomy and insert yourself into communities where you might be able to make friends.
You have more responsibilities. You have shit to do.
You have a job. You have to pay taxes. You have to take your car in to get its oil changed.
In order to be a functioning adult, you have to participate in all of these different responsibilities.
And that then takes up your time and sort of prevents you from being able to just go to – an art class or go to a cooking class.
When you're a kid, your parents put you into extracurricular activities a lot of times.
And they'll be like, well, you have to stick with this because we're paying money for you to be taking ballet lessons.
So you need to do ballet. and you want to quit, too bad.
We've been paying for the last four years for you to be a ballerina. you better turn into a fucking ballerina.
Like that happens a lot of times. There is something to be said for the fact that a lot of times you don't have a choice.
Like you don't have a lot of responsibilities. that's actually one of your responsibilities is to participate in extracurricular activities.
Whereas when you're an adult, you have to motivate yourself to participate in those things.
And it's sometimes hard to justify because you have a whole lot of other shit you got to be doing.
You know what I mean? So there's advantages and disadvantages that come with both. making friends and existing as a child and making friends and existing as an adult.
But it's just a very different situation.
Unless you have a pretty flexible job and you have a lot of hobbies and interests that you're motivated to participate in and you're a particularly outgoing person. who will start conversation with other adults.
It is not easy to do that as an adult. And it takes... sort of a level of like figuring out what's going to work in your lifestyle, you know, what you're going to be motivated enough to do routinely.
Because that's how we build friendship is routine exposure to people, right?
In a way that's sustainable, but also efficient.
As adults, we have a lot less time to just like fuck around, you know?
And so it's cool that we can do whatever we want, but it also doesn't fully feel that way.
That's where the challenge comes in. Making friends as an adult is also very different in the way that It goes from being a very confined, controlled group, controlled by your parents and teachers and the guardians in your life, to anyone.
You now have the opportunity to truly find incredible matches.
And if something's not working, you can pick yourself up out of that situation and go elsewhere. you don't have to bloom where you're planted as much you can have higher standards you don't have to be friends with people that you don't really like.
You should be kind, you should be respectful, you should be amicable, but you don't have to be best friends with them.
You don't have to invite them to your birthday party.
Now, this is exciting and wonderful and has the potential to allow you to develop some amazing friendships, but it also is really confusing when it's a brand new experience. experience.
Number one, because you've never had full autonomy over who you're friends with.
Now you have to look at friendship through a much more analytical lens.
And there's a lot of psychological challenges that come with that.
There's decision fatigue. How do I choose who to spend my time with when there's so many options?
How do I choose which friendships to nurture and develop versus which ones to maybe spend a little less time on?
You might also make bad decisions and become friends with people who are not good for you.
And getting yourself into a situation on accident that's not ideal, getting yourself into a friendship that's not so good, sucks.
Because then you have to get out of it or you have to stay in it uncomfortably because you're too scared to get out of it.
And that's something that you're more likely going to experience as an adult when you're making your own decisions. because your parents have a wisdom that you don't have.
And as a young adult, it's like there's this gap where you don't really have the wisdom to figure out who to be friends with. yet, but you have all the choice.
Again, I think it's an important learning experience, but it can be really daunting.
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Things people love. Now back to the episode.
And the last major difference is that when you're a child, you're making friends with other children.
And when you're an adult, you're making friends with other adults.
And adults think very differently. They have a sense of boundaries.
I personally think that mature friendships are more enjoyable.
And they tend to be more stable as well because when you're an adult, you can't hang out every weekend and have sleepovers every weekend.
With some friends, you know, I see them every once in a while and we grab dinner.
We like go to a social event together or something like that.
Some friends I see every day in passing, you go to the same coffee shop every day, you go to the same workout class, you have friends that you see at work.
You have much more casual, balanced relationships or at least you can.
But it's a little bit weird at first when you're used to having these sorts of extreme experiences friendships with no boundaries to then having boundaries, it can be a little bit confusing at first because it's like, wait...
Are we like you almost can get insecure in your mature relationships at first being like, wait, do we even like each other?
We don't really hang out that much. Like, I feel like, oh, like we need to be talking all the time.
Like. That psychological shift can be a bit uncomfortable.
But also, you have to teach yourself how to have boundaries and stick to them.
If you never had boundaries in friendship and now suddenly as an adult, that's sort of a prerequisite.
That can be also uncomfortable. It can be uncomfortable to make your own boundaries and stick to them, and it can be it makes you feel kind of insecure.
Like maybe they only really have time to hang out like once a month.
Maybe they don't like texting. But maybe you're a texter and you're like, like, it's this weird, being a friend as an adult is just much more passive and much more relaxed, right?
And it's much more casual. And there's not this like constant connection, constant communication as much because it's just unrealistic for most people.
But it's, It can be scary coming out of these codependent sort of immature friendships.
But also another thing, some adults might have a harder time maturing their approach to friendship.
And that might be you, which might lead you to being in friendships that are immature and get in the way of maturing into the sort of adult that you want to be because you're friends with people who... still are abiding by that immature friendship model.
You know what I'm saying? Where there's codependence and there's a lack of boundaries.
And that type of friendship gets in the way of productivity, of discovering who you are as a person, helping you develop your own individual identity, which is something that's very important as an adult.
And that can be sort of damaging and challenging and confusing.
You want to be an adult, but your friendships are holding you back.
Another big difference too about making friendships as an adult is that Because it's much more broad than just at school, the social hierarchy that naturally forms in a school setting, the popular kids, the nerds,
The sporty people, the hierarchy that unfortunately naturally forms in a school environment no longer exists for the most part.
It's so great to... not have to deal with that shit anymore.
However, just because it's less common, just because it's harder for a social hierarchy to form in adult communities doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
And It's even more damaging honestly as an adult to be participating in that bullshit.
There's something about full grown adults with fully developed brains participating in something like that, that is just far more sinister to me.
And so it's safe to say that it is complicated.
But I do feel like at this point in my life, I have figured it out.
Now listen... I might eat my words in like three years and be like, I thought I had it figured out, but I really didn't.
However, I feel like I have a really good sort of method to make solid, good adult friendships that are healthy and balanced and fulfilling and long-lasting.
You know, because I've experimented so much over the years and I feel like I finally settled down and figured it out.
I know where to meet people. I know how to meet people.
I know how to tell if I'm compatible with someone how to set boundaries in a respectful and comfortable way.
I know how to pay attention and keep an eye out for other people's boundaries, even if they're not set.
I feel like I finally am like, oh, I get it.
I get it. And I have such wonderful friends in my life.
And so I'm gonna give you all some advice.
Now, as always, when I give advice, it's unprofessional, okay?
Should you really trust my advice? Maybe a, well, take it with a grain of salt.
I don't really know what I'm talking about, but based on my life experience, this is what's worked for me.
Okay, my first piece of advice. It's so important to find realistic communities that you can insert yourself into on a routine basis.
Now I say realistic because Because I think a lot of times when we're lacking community in our lives...
We can try to put a circle peg into a square hole or whatever the fuck that saying is. you know what I mean?
We can try to force ourselves to participate in a community activity that we really want to do on a routine basis.
Like for example, you might decide to take an art class, like a one-off little art class.
Is it realistic for you to take an art class every week to the point where you're now seeing these people routinely to the point where natural connection and camaraderie can form?
No, that's kind of unrealistic. The key is routine.
For example... doing something every weekend.
Maybe it's even something that you go to every day.
Maybe you go to the same coffee shop every morning before work.
And sooner or later, you end up talking to the other people who go to that cafe every morning.
You start talking to the baristas. And next thing you know, you have this sense of community.
But that only can happen, at least in my experience... through something that's happening on a consistent basis.
Another example could be going to a gym.
If you're somebody who likes working out at home, maybe try working out at a gym or going to a workout class or something like that, where there is a sense of community.
And if you go at at the same time every day.
You might start to see the same people every day.
And next thing you know, you're chatting it up with them because you see them every day.
Now, if you want to, you can work from home, exercise from home, order your groceries for delivery straight to your home.
You can even be social at home. going on the internet and watching a YouTube video or scrolling on TikTok, it requires more effort than ever. to insert yourself into the real world.
But it's so important. And I think finding a way to do it in a way that's routine is key.
Like for me, there's a few places that I've made friends.
Number one, workout classes. Even if you never hang out outside of the workout, there's still a level of community and there's still a fulfilling sort of connection that you get from that. even if you never actually hang out with anyone outside of it.
Now if things go really well, you probably will hang out with people outside of it.
There's certain restaurants and cafes in LA that I go to frequently.
I've gotten to know the baristas at the coffee shop.
I've gotten to know the owner of the restaurant.
Like these things just happen. It's just important to find ways to get yourself out.
There's like a level of efficiency that I think is helpful.
Like if you're already gonna be exercising, Why not go to a workout class instead of working out at home?
I mean, I get it, workout classes are oftentimes overpriced.
So I get that element. I think there's some gym memberships that are like, what, 10 bucks a month?
You know what I'm saying? So it doesn't even need to be like a, Oh my God, I'm at my cult-like workout class.
I get it. That's a cult that I like. I'm always, actually I'm not in, I'm not culty with it, I don't think.
My next piece of advice is to lean into the work friendships if they're available, but do it with caution because you work with these people.
So it can sometimes be a bit risky because it's like if the friendship doesn't work out, now you are ultimately forced to be around them.
However, it can be really wonderful to have working friendships that are almost isolated to work.
And listen, there are times when the bond is so strong and there's just such a wonderful click that it's like, you know what?
This can... extend beyond the working environment.
But I think it can be really wonderful to just have working friendships, people you see at work, but then at the end of the day, you go your separate ways lean into that low responsibility kind of friendship.
That can be really fulfilling as well. Those are some of my favorite types of friendships.
I have friendships that are strictly work friendships, people that I love hanging out with and talking to when we're working.
But then it's so nice to like go our separate ways.
There have also been instances where I've met, you know, my best friend, Jared, my stylist, we met each other through work technically, you know, like we choose to work together.
So it is kind of different where like that element of, oh, if we like, like if Jared and I knock on wood. stopped being friends, if we had a huge falling out, it wouldn't be like, oh, fuck, we show up to the same office every day.
You know what I mean? We're never going to have that because neither of us will let it happen, hopefully, Jared.
Jared, if you're listening to this, seriously, no fights for us.
But he's one of my best friends. And we did meet through work.
But that was sort of a unique situation where it just happened that way.
I think working friendships can be so incredible.
You should proceed with caution though. Just be thoughtful and be careful.
Maybe just consider keeping a sort of isolated work friendship.
You know, that might be the vibe. Next, if you work from home, perhaps find a social place to work sometimes.
Maybe go into the office just a little bit more.
Perhaps work at a cafe. When I first left high school and I started working, I was very lonely.
All of my friends, they were all in school still.
And I worked at coffee shops every day. I would go into a coffee shop, sit down with my laptop and work there for literally like eight hours.
I'm not kidding. Did it take a level of discipline at times to like get dressed and go to a coffee shop and bring all my chargers and do all the shit, you know?
Yeah. But it was an efficient way for me to involve myself in a community that was also like productive.
Like I could justify doing it. It's like I'm working and I'm exposing myself to community.
Did I make any lasting friendships from that?
No, but that doesn't mean that like I couldn't have.
If I would have... kept hanging out there.
Who knows? Maybe I would have ended up making a really deep, long-lasting friendship.
But that's not the only types of friendships that we should be striving to have in our lives, you know?
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My next piece of advice is don't force it.
Let it happen naturally. And trust me, it will.
Okay, the thing is, I think the reason why I'm so adamant about this idea of like getting into a routine and seeing the same people repeatedly is that when you do that, interactions naturally start to happen.
Like at the workout class that I currently go to, right?
I've been doing it for like, I don't know, a year now.
Over time, I've become friends with everyone who goes to this workout class.
It did not happen overnight. It took seeing these people...
20, 30 times before we were like, oh, hey, what's your name, by the way?
And I've actually made one really good friend, a genuine... friend that has gone beyond like a close friend through this.
But it just happened naturally. Like we like exchanged one little remark one time.
And then the next time we saw each other, it was like we exchanged a story or two.
And next thing we know, we're friends. It's low risk in the sense that you're not throwing yourself into it head first.
You're not committing to friendship immediately.
You're letting it slowly build. And at any point you can safely sort of retract a little bit.
That's really wonderful. taking it slow in that way gives you sort of space to actually develop a well-rounded opinion on the person you're becoming friends with.
But also too, if you intuitively become friends slowly over time, that's a green flag.
That means that there's genuinely a connection there.
There's actually something bringing you back to one another routinely.
Like, oh, you know, we see each other all the time and we get excited to talk to each other, you know?
It's an authentic experience, you know? And I think that that tends to lead to stronger friendships.
I don't know. Like if you were to meet someone out at a bar and you randomly are sitting next to somebody at the bar and you just start talking to them. and you make split judgments and you're like, oh, this person's cool.
Maybe I should be friends with them. And then, listen, I'm not saying that can't work because that can work sometimes.
But it's a bit of a more extreme, a bit of a riskier sort of method.
And again, sometimes it makes sense and it works and I get it.
But when you make judgments based on like a 10 minute conversation and next thing you know, you're getting lunch next week.
And then it's like, It takes a lot of effort and it's a decision to keep up the friendship and to make plans again.
That's so much more of a commitment. Whereas like seeing somebody routinely and letting the friendship just form naturally, it's just a much healthier way to incubate a friendship.
Next, as an adult, be incredibly selective.
You can be friendly with everybody and you should be friendly with everybody, but you don't need to be friends with everybody.
Now that you're an adult, now that we are adults, we can't just fuck around and spend time with whoever.
We have shit to do. It's so important to be wise about who you spend your time with.
It should be people that inspire you to be a better person people who share similar morals and values to you.
You should be friends with people who make you feel good.
If somebody's not cutting it, cut them out.
You know, over the years on the internet, people have watched me have friendships and then those friendships sort of You know, I grow out of them or, you know, it just doesn't work out for whatever reason.
And it's interesting because I've seen comments before that are like, Emma has had so many different friend groups.
It's like, yeah, but I needed to try some shit out.
And guess what? If it wasn't working for me, I'm going to go ahead and get out of there.
And there's nothing wrong with that. And that's why I'm somewhat hesitant to include friends in my content.
It can be tough if you're posting about it on the internet in a very public way.
And then if the friendship doesn't end up working out, People are like, wait, where did that person go?
And it's like, sometimes it just doesn't work out long-term.
That's okay. It's normal. Like, it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with anyone involved.
There's this weird pressure societally to like be friends for life no matter what.
And it's like, no, it's okay to be like, this isn't working for me anymore.
Romantic relationships, actually, I feel like the sort of narrative around it is very much like, if it's not working, get the fuck out.
It's very interesting how that doesn't apply as much to friendship in Gen Z. I feel like there's not as much of like that high standard for friendship.
Not even necessarily intentionally, but there's just not as much of a conversation around quality of friendship.
Like you don't need to make it work if it's not working.
It's totally fine. Be selective as an adult because number one, it's all up to you.
And number two, if you aren't, you're going to end up with shitty friendships.
You have to be reflecting and analyzing constantly to make sure that you're in a healthy, happy, fulfilling situation. especially in the beginning stages when you're still figuring out if you're compatible.
Moving on, keep an open mind. Now that you're an adult, you're not confined to the kids in your grade.
You might meet a 60 year old woman in year 20 at your favorite park.
Now, a lot of times we can look at somebody who's maybe a different age than us and be like, there's no way.
We would have any, like, we're not going to click.
You never know. Once you're an adult, age just sort of, meh.
The older you get, the more age doesn't really matter.
You just kind of are who you are as an adult.
So who knows, you might end up becoming friends with a group of people who are 40 years older than you.
We can oftentimes judge or stereotype. Like we can look at somebody and be like, oh, they're super sporty.
Like maybe they're wearing like a jacket that has like a football team on it.
And you're like, I don't really like sports.
Once you're an adult, let all of that go and give everyone a chance because you never know who you're gonna click with.
My next piece of advice, plan thoughtful activities with friends to better ensure plans follow through.
Okay, adults are much more picky with their time.
Like if you invite somebody over and say, let's just like hang out.
A lot of adults are like, I can't just fucking hang out.
Like I have shit I need to do. I can't just like go hang out.
I'm not just going to like go sit around with somebody.
I think in order for plans to be enticing in adulthood.
It needs to be intentional. Like, hey, we both like sushi.
Go get sushi with somebody who likes sushi, you know?
You and your friend have been talking about how you want to try rock climbing.
Make the plan together to go and do it. You and your friend are obsessed with baking.
Okay, set up a baking day together. You're going to bake croissants from scratch.
It's going to take a long time and it's going to be really complicated.
And you're actually going to have to have a sleepover because you have to laminate the dough and then you have to like put it in the fridge and it has to sit for hours and then you have to take it out and then you have to roll it out and fold it.
And there's this whole process and it's like, So maybe you have this weekend that where you spend together where you're like, we're gonna do this croissant weekend where we make croissants from scratch.
Like make pointed plans. that actually makes sense for the two of you, that are intentional and exciting to both of you.
Don't just be like, let's just hang out.
Let's just hang this weekend. Listen, sometimes that's wonderful.
And especially when you're really, really close with somebody, it's like, we know we can just hang out.
We'll find out. We'll figure out what to do later, you know?
Next, open yourself up to their mutual friends.
The best part about making a new friend is that it's like a domino effect now that If you like their other friends, there's a chance that you just made five other friends.
If you make a new friend and it's really working, don't isolate the friendship.
Open it up. Be like, hey, like, I'd love to meet your group of friends.
Like, don't get territorial over... No. Let it build.
Let it be open. Let one person expose you to 10 other people.
And last but not least, Beware of people who still treat friendship like they're in school.
I mentioned this earlier, but like people who still believe in like the social hierarchy, they want to be the popular kids.
It's like we're too fucked up. We're a little bit too old for that.
It's embarrassing and it's toxic and it's gross.
But it still exists. Like, I don't see it very often, to be honest.
It actually doesn't happen very often. But a few months ago, I was at a party and I saw it happening.
I felt it. there was like a group of popular girls at this party.
And I was like, this is so interesting. Like it does still happen.
And these are girls in their mid-20s and they still have that.
It felt... I literally was like... I felt like very much that's so Raven.
And I was like transported back to high school and it felt exactly the same.
And listen, when it happens in high school, it's like, is it toxic?
Yes. Is it kind of unfortunate? Yes. But it's also like, it's a bunch of kids.
It's understandable that it happens. However, in adulthood when it happens, it's like, oof, spooky.
It's interesting because even as an adult, you can see something like that And you can almost buy into it.
Just because we're adults doesn't mean we don't see a group of popular people and be like, oh, I want to hang out with them. wait, they make me feel bad because I'm not as cool as them.
You still get those feelings. And it can be sort of weirdly enticing.
Avoid it. Avoid it. It's immature. You don't want to go backwards.
Don't go backwards. Because the thing that's sad is the whole like... popular, kind of mean, kind of judgmental group sort of vibe.
The truth is... I don't think that they're happy, you know?
Like that was the first thing that came to mind when I saw this group.
They're all frowning. They're all in their little circle looking around judging everyone and like on their kind of, you know, with their chins kind of up a little.
It's like raising their noses at everyone.
It's like, you're not happy. There's no way you're happy.
Because if you were happy, you wouldn't need to judge everyone else.
You could just enjoy the experience, but they can't.
And that fucking sucks. Like I genuinely feel bad.
It's so wonderful to be an adult and to not have to deal with that shit anymore.
That's the best part. We're too old for that shit.
And it's so much more fun not to participate in it.
And that's all my advice. Pretty self-explanatory stuff.
But sometimes these sort of obvious tips...
Don't seem so obvious when you're in a routine in your life and you're like, I don't know, it can be helpful to be reminded the different ways that you can make friends and the different ways that you can nurture yourself. healthy friendships anyway that's all I have for today I hope that this was somewhat helpful or at least enjoyable to listen to or perhaps background noise for you to fall asleep to.
Whatever it was, I hope that you enjoyed it in one way or another.
If you enjoyed it, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday. new fucking episodes, fresh and exciting and riveting.
You can find Anything Goes on anywhere you stream podcasts.
But if you want to watch the video versions of the episodes where you can see me talking, that's on YouTube and Spotify.
And Anything Goes is on social media at Anything Goes.
I'm on social media and on the internet in general at Emma Chamberlain and my coffee company is in the world and on the internet at Chamberlain Coffee.
I love you all and appreciate you all and it's a pleasure. pleasure as always to get to hang out.
And I wish and manifest for you wonderful, organic, fulfilling, balanced friendship in your life.
And I know it's harder than ever because we live in a very, very isolated time.
It's been a challenge for me. And if it's a challenge for you, I truly... manifest friendship success for you.
And I love you and I appreciate you and thank you for listening.
And I will talk to you in a few days. All right, bye.
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