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Hey, it's Dora here.
I don't know about you, but for me this time of year can get really overwhelming trying to juggle work, family and the holidays.
The good news is Headspace is offering our biggest sale of the year, 50% off a year of Headspace.
So whether you need to sleep better, reduce stress, or feel less anxious, Headspace helps.
And now's the perfect time to sign up Here we are for another episode of Dear Headspace.
Today, I am joined by Eve Wu.
And we are going to be answering questions about how to balance privilege and care for the world, how to deal with procrastination.
And we are going to be doing a deep dive on when you experience a loss of relationship but you still want to find love.
So without further ado, here we go.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
Hi, Eve.
It is so lovely to see your bright and sparkly face today.
How are you?
Hi, Robin.
See you as well.
I'm fine.
I mean, oh, I'm fine.
I feel like when I say I'm fine, I'm not really fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
That came out.
I am.
I'm well.
Okay.
Okay.
That's good to hear.
Well, I am super excited to get to our questions today.
And we've got a question about privilege.
And I don't think that that's a topic that we've talked about before.
So I am really excited to get to it.
So I think maybe we should just jump right in with that question.
What do you think?
Let's do it.
Okay, here's Charlotte.
Hiya to the Headspace community and everyone listening.
My name is Charlotte and I'm in my first year at university.
And as you can imagine, that involves a lot of change.
I'm quite prone to anxious thoughts. and have been meditating for three years.
Initially when I joined university, I joined loads and loads of different clubs and societies.
However now, as a result of being worried about the state of the world and inaction, I've chosen to instead focus my time volunteering.
I believe that in focusing on volunteering, I can look at the positive ways in which I can influence the world and hopefully my influence will be able to expand over time.
My question today is related to a quote.
May I soften towards my care and concern for the world that was said in a headspace meditation.
This quote really resonated with me, but I'm not quite sure why.
I would love for you to explain.
I'm from quite a privileged background and constantly think whether my actions are okay, like what is okay for me to do and what's not.
Can I go on holiday?
Can I drive a car?
Can I do this and that?
I feel like I need a reason for distinguishing between two things.
Do you think this is true or do you think your feeling's okay?
Thank you.
Wow, Charlotte, that is a really big question.
And it's what I like about it Eve, and I'm so curious to hear what you say about this, but is that it's so aware?
Do you know what I mean?
Like of someone who's really trying to be like.
I recognize I have this privilege, but how do I show up in the world?
Yeah, there's a lot to unpack in what Charlotte is saying.
And I think the first thing I just wanted to address before we get into the meat of what Charlotte's asking is you know Charlotte, you talked about struggling with anxiety for several years and that meditation has been helpful, but sometimes you find that you're still struggling.
And so I would definitely suggest and recommend maybe finding out what Student services, mental health services are available at the university, as some additional one-on-one counselling therapy might be supportive to you as you navigate your anxiety and you know.
I've struggled with anxiety for many years and therapy and meditation and mindfulness have been really those two big modalities that have been very supportive to me.
So I just wanted to highlight that.
Yeah, that's great advice.
And then flipping into the main part of what you were saying Charlotte and, of course, your question.
I just first of all think to Robin's point.
The fact that you have that awareness of the world is And there is a lot of inaction that is happening, but you're taking action.
And the fact that you're choosing to do volunteering is really amazing.
And yes, you've acknowledged that you come from a privileged background, but that you're using that in a way that can potentially help others.
And there's actually a lot of science research that shows that volunteering, offering acts of kindness, have really positive effects on our own wellbeing, our overall happiness and our mental health.
And it can be associated with helping to reduce symptoms of things like depression and anxiety.
So I definitely think they are some really, really amazing steps.
Yeah.
I love that Charlotte is looking at this from a point of view of even like.
Is it okay for me to take a vacation?
Is it, you know, and it's funny because I feel like it's a series of trade-offs.
And I think we all need to let ourselves off the hook a little bit.
And I do think that You're not a better person if you never vacation, if you don't take care of yourself, if you don't do self-care.
So I'm just curious what you think about all of that, Eve.
Well, I agree with everything you've said.
Self-care, it's essential. for our mental health and our well-being.
And that does mean taking breaks.
That does mean potentially going on a vacation.
And I don't think those are bad things.
You know, you are talking about a lot of things that you are doing that are really giving back into the community, that are giving back to others, even the planet.
Of course, I'm not 100 sure what the exact volunteering is that you're doing, but they're really, really compassionate things that you're doing.
And it is absolutely okay to go on holiday, of course. you know, being aware of your actions.
Of course, our actions have consequences.
And so bringing that mindful awareness into when you do go on vacation.
So that might be choosing to not consume too much plastic.
Yeah.
Perhaps when you're on the beach, maybe you do a little bit of a litter pickup.
I was just recently in Costa Rica and they encouraged tourists to take part in their weekly beach clean, which I just thought was so amazing.
And it meant the beach was spotless.
Yeah.
It can feel really overwhelming when it comes to things like global warming warming, climate change.
You know the inequities in the world, the injustices, and that can sometimes paralyze us yeah, and so you think oh what's, what's my action going to do?
And therefore we can then end up maybe taking no action.
And I'm reminded, as I was listening to your thoughts and your question Charlotte, about a story of the starfish and there's a person walking on the beach and they see in the distance Someone is picking up and throwing what they think are starfish one by one back into the ocean.
And they're all over the beach.
They've clearly been washed in with the tide and there's hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of them.
And this person gets up to the young child and they say, well, what's the point?
It's not going to make a difference.
And picks up the starfish, throws it into the ocean and says, made a difference to that one.
Oh, I love that love, love that as a sentiment, as an analogy, that small steps can make a big difference and i think what you're doing charlotte, is a lot of really small, important steps in supporting your community, in supporting others, but also in supporting your own mental health.
As I just mentioned before volunteering, doing acts of kindness are really, really nourishing ways to take care of ourselves.
That just reminds me of...
There was this guy I saw in the park and he had one of those tools, those like those tools that help you pick things up.
And he was picking up trash as he was going along on his walk.
And I thought that was so wonderful because he was making a change and he inspired me.
And now I pick up trash on my walks.
You know, not every walk, but more walks than I did before.
I saw that guy.
So I think there's really something in that of of just being part of the change but not being part of the guilt.
Exactly.
And, like I said, there is a lot in the world that unfortunately is causing change, a lot of anxiety to people, myself included.
And that can then really prohibit us from thinking that what we're doing is being helpful in some way, because we can't see that at a huge macro scale.
You know, it's really important.
If the more people that take small steps and take small actions, I genuinely believe we would be making a bigger collective effort.
Absolutely.
And the one thing I would say, Charlotte, is It can be overwhelming in what do I do?
How many things should I do?
So just be really aware of how it's then making you feel.
If you're starting to think and experience and feel that your anxiety is increasing.
And of course, it could be a number of reasons.
You've just started university.
You're taking in a lot.
It's a new environment.
There's a lot to learn.
You're meeting new people.
And so just be aware of your own limitations and your own capacity for giving, because you also need to receive.
Yes, yes.
And so I think...
To specifically mention the quote that you shared, my interpretation is that we often put a lot of armor up around ourselves.
And more often than not, that's because we're trying to protect ourselves from being hurt or we're protecting ourselves from feeling fear.
And so to me this quote, and I love the word soften because I really think when you Think about the qualities of mindfulness,
They're really qualities that allow us to soften.
So we're leaning into the empathy, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, trust, gratitude, patience.
Instead of judging oneself or judging others, can we be more accepting?
Yeah.
You know, instead of talking down to oneself, can instead you treat yourself like you would a friend.
And so to me the word soften says, you know, open up listen, put down the armor, take skillful action.
And these are all things that it sounds like you're doing, and so I would just encourage you to keep doing them and, as Robin said, include others.
You know, find others in your tribe that can support you in the work that you're doing.
And you know, when it comes to our, our planet, of course, our actions have consequences.
And so, I think, continuing to be aware of the choices that you make, the things that you consume, and that's not just food.
And the actions that you're taking in the world.
And I honestly, I think keep doing what you're doing.
Yeah.
And I really, I really think that your question and your words will hopefully inspire others as well.
And you know you.
Yes, you come from a privileged background, but my hope is that will then really encourage others who are perhaps in a similar situation and come from a similar privileged background to use that privilege.
Amazing.
Well, thank you for such a thoughtful and wonderful question to start us off.
So thank you, Charlotte, and good luck.
You're doing great, Charlotte.
That's what I say.
Yeah, thank you.
All right.
So let's go to our next question from Sonia.
My dear Headspace, my name is Sonia.
I live in Miami Florida, and I would like to ask if you have any advice about how to manage, how to deal procrastination in a relationship, especially in marriage.
I'm really interested in knowing what to do in such case.
Thank you so much.
And I loved your show.
Oh, thank you for that.
Now, this is interesting because I feel like this question could be answered in two ways.
So I'm interested to hear what your take was on it.
But I feel like it could be answered in like, your partner's a procrastinator and how do you deal with that in terms of the relationship?
But it also could be and I think maybe it's probably less likely this but like a procrastination in the joint relationship and like keeping it healthy and moving it forward.
So, I mean, maybe we just look at both.
Yeah.
As I was listening to your question Sonia, I was reminded going through a similar predicament in my marriage.
And I think when in a relationship regardless of whether you're married or not, but in a relationship, of course there is compromise involved.
And I think when you're with someone for an extended period of time, it can be easy to want someone to behave or act like you would, and it can often then mean that you maybe question why they would do things in a certain way.
Well, that's not how I would do it.
That's not right.
And you know, that can bring a lot of pressure into the relationship.
And so something I try and remind myself of often, and also my husband reminds me of often, is that you know we're all different and that is what makes us unique, and that we'll all approach things differently, you know.
I think it can be helpful when we're looking at the relational aspect of when procrastination can arise.
And, you know, I procrastinate.
I know I do about certain things.
My husband does as well.
And so I think maybe having a conversation about, you know, your values.
And what's important to you in the relationship and a really helpful framework.
And this is something that I've used under the recommendation of a couple of therapist that my husband was seeing.
Shout out to couples therapists.
Yes.
I mean, truly.
Anyone who's been in a long-term relationship.
It's like they're.
They're so important because it's difficult.
You're two different people with different approaches and different ways of looking at things.
And to have a moderator for lack of a better word to help you communicate and each see where you're coming from is really valuable.
I don't think my husband and I would still be married had we not had some therapy.
We went through a very, very difficult period in our marriage a few years ago.
But one of the exercises that they encourage us to do outside of the therapy sessions that we were having was it's called the temperature test.
And it was developed by a family psychologist called Virginia Satir.
And it's where you go through five different areas.
So the first is around appreciation and what you are grateful for from each other.
The next is where you share some new information.
So that could be oh, by the way, I have to travel next week or it could be something a little bit more serious, more deep.
The next one is puzzles.
So that might be, sharing something that is maybe worrying you.
So you could maybe start the conversation by saying look, I'm worried about X Y, Z.
The next one, very similar to puzzles but concerns with recommendations.
And so that might be sharing.
You know it's hard for me when I ask you to do something and it doesn't happen.
So could we agree that next time you'll do it by a certain time or something like that?
You can fill in the blanks.
And then the final one, which is really nice, is around dreams.
You know, in a relationship it's really important that we're supporting each other's hopes and wishes and dreams.
And of course, that can be small things, things all the way up to to bigger.
You know longer term dreams and plans that we might have.
So you might start the point by saying you know, I really wish that we could have a monthly date night, for example yeah, And so this just really fosters like open communication in a way that's really supportive.
And, more importantly, it provides a space in which your partner can also share back with you the same five areas.
And we are all also not the same when it comes to how comfortable we are at communicating in relationships.
And so this can also help to get in a regular habit with a framework that feels safe.
I can't plus one hard enough like the idea of communication frameworks because it, like you, could substitute procrastination for any number of relationship type things.
Yeah.
And I think it's also helpful to remind ourselves like we procrastinate well for a number of reasons.
But one of them is that we might be scared of what the potential outcome might be.
And so, for example, I procrastinated for a long time about bringing up some of the issues that were in our relationship, because I was worried about okay, if I bring this up, then it's been brought up.
It's there.
It's out there.
I said it out loud.
We have to deal with it.
I said it out loud.
And now this is really an issue because can we move past it?
And so that's on the more of the I don't want to say serious side of procrastination.
But then again, when you're with someone for a long time we can get complacent.
You know, we can maybe get a bit lazy.
We can take the other person for granted.
And that is also what can build a lot of resentment.
Because if you find that your partner's not pulling their weight, is not doing things when they say they will, that can really start to chip away and a lot of contentment can build that resentment.
And we can then also start to look down on the person.
Why aren't you doing it?
Why can't you just do this?
I think just thinking about and again, my husband will often remind me of this.
He's like, you often focus on the things I don't do versus the things that I do do.
Yeah, that's a nice note.
And so it might not be the things that I always want him to do.
Yeah.
But often they surprise me.
Yeah.
And I'm reminded, actually, you know, he does show up in this relationship.
Yeah.
And the more that I soften to that...
And the more I'm grateful for the things he is doing, the easier it is when I say to him hey, I need your help in this area as well.
And it upset me last time that I had to ask you multiple times.
Can you...
Can you just do it?
Because it does start to stress me out.
And he's way more receptive if I've been acknowledging what he has been doing rather than just picking apart the things that he isn't doing, because he has his reasons for his procrastination.
And often when I pick at them, it just makes him feel like crap.
Yeah.
For me, just as like a final thought.
I think The tie of relationships to mindfulness is that every moment's a new moment to start again, whether it's communicating or you can screw up.
We're all going to screw up in relationships.
I can say something that's snippy, but then I can clean it up and I can start again.
And I take that same tacked as a parent as well, just because we can't be perfect, neither us or our partners.
No, we're perfectly imperfect.
And I think you know we'll all go through periods in our life where we feel like we're achieving what we want to achieve, that the things are getting done.
But I think also, life doesn't always go according to plan.
And so being kind in that process, that they're maybe a genuine reason why certain things aren't happening, and I think out of all of this, just having healthy, clear communication in a relationship is always a good thing.
And so, regardless of there being any bigger issues, that is honestly what has saved my marriage is being able to have communication that is healthy and that feels productive and that means we're not attacking each other.
Absolutely.
Well, thank you so much for your question, Sonia.
We really appreciate you reaching out and we wish you good luck.
All right.
So we will be right back.
We've got just one more question.
Let's hear it.
Dear Headspace.
It's been about 10 months since my relationship of four months ended with a girl who I really loved, but it turned out I was just a rebound for her.
I had never connected this strongly or deeply with another woman before.
So it just felt really natural.
About a month after meeting, she introduced me to her daughter who was just a few months old.
And as someone who never wanted kids, I immediately felt like a father and I really loved her daughter.
About two months after that, I lost my coach, who was a father figure to me and a really good friend for about 10 years.
And I am in very supportive communities, track and field, boxing, a yoga community and many more.
I have very supportive family and friends and I am putting myself out there for dating.
But sometimes when the topic comes up about love and dating and loved ones, sometimes it would be really hard for me and I would have to leave and get air or just try to change the topic.
So I'm hoping they can help me figure out which one of these two is causing me this pain and what I can do to get better.
Thank you.
What an incredibly brave question.
And thank you.
I mean, first, I just want to say I'm so sorry you're in so much pain.
It's like you can hear it in his voice.
And it's just there's grief here.
Yeah.
Gosh, just listening to your question, I can really feel the heaviness and pain in your voice.
And for someone who's very much in the grieving process myself, I my heart goes out to you and you know, I think the first thing to start with is you know time yeah, And it's like the thing no one ever wants to hear, but it is the truth.
It's time.
It is.
And I've heard this from several different people in different contexts but this idea that Grief gets smaller, or we get over it or we're done grieving.
It's not accurate.
And really, instead, what happens is the grief is always there.
The loss is always there.
That unfortunately, doesn't change change, but what does change is our ability to live around it.
Um expanse, try not to see this as okay.
When will i be over this?
Yeah, Because in my experience, those intense feelings do start to subside.
They do start to soften.
But grief can come in waves and they can hit you. really hard.
You know, you can be going along your day thinking, I'm great.
I'm good.
I haven't felt that way in quite some time.
And then bam, hits you in the face.
And it could be Something someone says, it could be a memory that comes up, a photo, a smell, a place.
It could be anything that just suddenly catapults you back into those intense feelings.
Just because it's the loss of a relationship, it's still a loss.
And those feelings of grief are going to be there.
And I know it wasn't a hugely long relationship as you shared, but you felt very, very invested in the relationship.
And also when you then find out that the other person doesn't have that same intention.
That's also another loss.
Because you're like, wait, what? we weren't on the same page.
Or did I misread this?
And did, yeah, like all of the self-doubt can come in.
Yeah, exactly.
And it's like, what did I do wrong?
What if I did this?
You know.
And then we start to blame ourselves, when in actual fact, As much as it's painful, the other person wasn't in it for the same reasons.
And that's not on you.
Yeah.
What's really interesting in this question is he's talking about wanting to get back out there.
And I think that's wonderful.
I am going to say a little however, like sometimes you're not ready yet and you have to walk through what you have to walk through in that process doors open, windows open, sliding glass, doors open, you know, but without walking through the thing, you might be still for lack of a better word like a little broken and a little needing care and and kind of licking your wounds.
And maybe that's not the right time to meet a person who's going to enhance you.
It just might be a time to focus on yourself.
Yeah.
And just hearing you speak, Robin, it makes me think about trust.
Your trust has been broken and both from you know losing the relationship and also the loss of of a person then you start to think well gosh, you know, is this going to happen again?
And people around me are that I care about, I could lose and then you know it can really build up this rumination in the mind that doesn't trust.
Yeah, and so I think you know, when we're in a relationship, trust is really, really important.
And if you are still experiencing quite intense feelings of grief, of loss, of sadness,
And that is impacting your mental health, your self-esteem, how you're viewing relationships.
You talked about having to sometimes go out of the room and just have some air.
Those are all signals that actually maybe just taking this time to really focus on healing so that when you're able to be in a new relationship, that you are fully there, you can participate in the relationship and some of that baggage that you're currently carrying has you've found skillful ways to process it and deal with it so that you're not then bringing that into you know another relationship.
And I think it's amazing that you've got a strong community.
I'm so happy to hear that.
You know, speak to your friends, reach out to your family.
And it sounds like they're They've been very supportive.
And to say, you know what, I am not actually ready to get back out there.
Because I know, you know, friends can be like, come on, get on the apps and go on dates.
It'll make you feel better.
And I don't know, it may not straight away.
No, it might be awful.
Yeah, exactly.
But that's what that's.
I agree with you.
So much though, hearing him say, like you know, he has all these different communities, but they're not just like communities of people.
They're also activities.
It sounds like he's doing all the right things.
It's just time.
Exactly.
And other people will respond to what you're putting out into the world as well and how you're feeling and your mental health and how open you are and receptive you are to that process.
So I think...
You know, be really gentle with yourself and actually allow yourself to feel these feelings.
It's okay to be sad.
It's okay to be experiencing grief.
You have gone through a lot.
And I know...
You feel like I should be feeling better by now.
But just by saying that immediately puts pressure on you that it's wrong to be feeling like this.
And it's not.
It's not wrong.
Yeah, that's lovely.
And I always think of it like...
When you get back to yourself and when you just have that relationship with yourself and you're confident in the world and you're open and you're doing what you love, that's when you're most attractive.
And that's when people show up because there's not desperation.
There's not... It's just... just you and your element.
And that's 100% anytime I've ever met anybody.
Exactly.
Well, thank you so much for your question.
And I know I speak for Eve when I just say we're sending love and healing for your next phase.
And be gentle.
Yeah, absolutely.
Well, Eve, I mean, I don't know how you feel, but that was fantastic.
And I feel like I say this too much, but I also feel like I can't say it too much.
I feel so good when we're done talking, because it's just like the questions that people send us and how intimate they are and the care with which you all provide advice.
It's just, I love the show.
I know I'm not supposed to say it because I'm a part of it, but I really do.
I mean, I love this show too.
And I think we can hear it in the questions that came through today.
There's this real intention from each person that they want to share A their experiences, which I know will resonate with so many listeners, but also that they're a part of the community.
Yeah, and these questions today wow, you know, I think will deeply, deeply resonate with folks.
All of them did with me and You know, in having our conversations as well Robin, I always walk away feeling like OK, there's some things I can do as well.
Yeah, me too.
It reminds me of some of my own challenges and it reminds me of things that I struggle with.
And also that taking action, be it big or small, is really important.
Absolutely.
I agree.
But it is time.
Unfortunately, we have to say goodbye to everybody.
But before we leave, I do want to say thanks to the folks who sent us questions.
I mean, you made our show.
You made our days, as we just said.
It's just so nice to hear from you all.
As Eve said, if you are at home and you've got a question, I say, what are you waiting for?
Send them to us.
All you have to do is go to sayhi.chat slash Dear Headspace.
The link is, of course, in the show notes.
And if we use your question in the show, you're going to get three months of Headspace for free, which is a pretty good deal, pretty epic deal, and what, what better way to get started with with the year in taking care of your mental health?
Yes, and actually, before we finish, One of the courses that I would love to recommend is healing after a breakup.
And also we have a grieving course as well, which could be really supportive.
Particularly the grieving course I found really really supportive as I've been navigating my own grief.
And then one last thing before we go.
We have built in that moment so that you can transition before heading into the next thing in your day.
And this is really some time to reflect on what you've just experienced, what you've heard, a time to settle your mind.
So here are some sounds of snow melting by a river.
As you listen, let your mind do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy and be kind to yourself and each other is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones, and Scott Sorenson.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer, Sarah Cohn, Barron Farmer, and Danny Christomy.
Our production coordinator is Taylor Jennings Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Kisanga Giscombe, Dora Kamau, Samantha Snowden, Eve Lewis Prieto and Rosie Acosta.
Post-production is by Dan Kroll, Music is by Scott Sorenson and Chris Mergia.
And a special thanks to Colleen Lutz.
