The Strategic Power of Self-Care: Why Giving to Yourself Increases Self-Command

In this episode of A Little Happier, host Gretchen Rubin explores a counterintuitive yet essential “secret of adulthood”: the idea that when we give more to ourselves, we are better equipped to ask more from ourselves. By prioritizing self-care and contentment, we strengthen our “self-command,” which is the psychological foundation required to maintain good habits and navigate daily responsibilities.

The Psychology of Healthy Treats

Rubin posits that feeling cared for is not a luxury, but a functional necessity. She cites studies demonstrating that individuals who receive a “little treat”—such as a surprise gift or a moment of levity—experience a measurable gain in self-control. This phenomenon highlights a vital distinction between healthy and unhealthy indulgence.

While we often turn to “unhealthy treats” to cope with stress—such as “online shopping, another glass of scotch, a big brownie”—these choices frequently backfire, leaving us feeling worse in the long run. Conversely, healthy treats are those that provide genuine restoration without the subsequent guilt or physical toll. Rubin emphasizes that because it can be “surprisingly hard to think of your treats when you need one,” it is a practical strategy to maintain a pre-written list of activities that genuinely soothe and energize you.

Curating Your Personal Toolkit

Rubin shares her own repertoire of healthy habits, which include:

• Sensory and Environmental Upgrades: Enjoying “beautiful smells” or “clearing minor clutter.”
• Intellectual and Cultural Engagement: “Returning and checking out books from the library” and making “daily visits to the Metropolitan Museum.”
• Nostalgia: Re-watching favorite TV shows or re-reading childhood books.

The Diversity of Personal Restoration

When Rubin polled her listeners, she discovered that the definition of a “treat” is deeply subjective. Some find solace in productive tasks that others might view as labor, such as “ironing, writing code, or doing Latin translation.” Other examples of creative self-care include:

• The Power of Stillness: One listener carves out 20 minutes of quiet time in bed after the morning school rush.
• Physical Challenge: A friend celebrated her birthday by “walking six miles to work” purely for the enjoyment of the activity.
• Tactile Comfort: Engaging in “fur therapy” by petting a dog or cat.
• The Psychology of Choice: A surprising trend involves “filling up an online shopping cart but then logging out without actually making a purchase.” This reveals that for many, the “fun is the choosing,” which is distinct from the act of “buying and acquiring.”

The Paradox of Self-Care

Ultimately, Rubin argues that prioritizing personal joy is not a form of selfishness. On the contrary, she asserts that “it’s not selfish to be selfish.” By identifying what is “comforting” and “energizing” for your own individual self, you are essentially recharging your internal battery.

When we nurture our own well-being, we build the resilience necessary to be more considerate of others. We cannot pour from an empty cup; therefore, by giving more to ourselves, we successfully prepare ourselves to meet the higher demands of our personal and professional lives. By integrating these small, intentional acts of self-command into our weekly routines, we can foster a more sustainable sense of happiness and productivity.