Listener Tales 36 | Morbid

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I have been listening to the Martha's Vineyard Beach and Book Club, which actually Elena recommended to me.

She did not listen to it, but she said, girl, this title sounds so you.

And let me tell you, it did. I've been listening to it while I walk, and I am absolutely loving it.

I love all the Audible. There's more to imagine when you listen.

Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial and your first audiobook is free. visit audible.com slash morbid.

I am absolutely obsessed with a sweet treat after dinner, and my favorite sweet treat right now is my mochi.

It's mine now! Not yours. Just kidding.

You can have some too. This is a cool creamy scoop of ice cream. wrapped in a soft, chewy dough.

It's like a sweet little ice cream dumpling or ravioli.

I'm obsessed. It's pillowy. It's satisfying.

I feel indulged. I just love it so much.

I really am obsessed with the strawberry flavor right now.

My mochi is only around 70 calories per piece, which like, hello, that's amazing.

My mochi is gluten free and each box has six perfectly portioned mochi snacks.

Do I eat two a night? Yeah, yeah I do because they're that good.

And guess what? My mochi is the number one mochi ice cream in the US of A.

The strawberry flavor is bursting with fresh picked fruit flavor that tastes incredibly refreshing.

I love, love, love them after dinner. This August, look for the purple box of My Mochi ice cream at your local grocery store. and feel joyfully chill with the coolest treat around, my mochi.

Hey weirdos, I'm Ash. And I'm Elena. And this is... is morbid, and it's Listener Tales.

🎵 Thank you. for you. It's brought to you by you, for you, from you, and all about you.

We love a listener. It's been a minute. It has been a minute.

It's been a bit. I know because I think this technically could have gone out last week.

Yeah, I think so. Because it's the second week of February.

But we just pushed it. Yeah. Yeah. We had a lot going on.

We hope you liked our interview there with the scream stars and creators.

Guys. Thank you so much for all the awesome feedback on it.

Everybody's been so sweet about it because I was, I don't know if you could tell.

You could definitely tell. What? When I listened back to it, I was like, holy shit, the amount of giddiness in my voice.

Yeah, we were both that. way I could not like you came off very chill oh and inside I was losing it My giddiness was like, I'm talking to Dewey.

This has been 25 years of your life. Oh, yeah. now dewey has been a very big part of my life for a moment like this way too long some people wait 25 years for a moment like that's you and that was it then like my that's my whole life so i guess i've just been waiting since birth There you go.

So, you know, it was in, you know, Melissa Barrera. was so sweet.

The kindest gal. Which, I mean, if you haven't seen Scream, you gotta go see it because she's, in my opinion, she's phenomenal. in it and I'm very excited to see you know her in the future I'm not going to say of the franchise or not but I

Because I don't want to give any spoilers.

But I'm excited to see her in the future.

In general. In general. Because she's amazing.

And honestly... All of the new generation that was in Scream.

I'm excited to see where they all go. They were great.

It reminded me of like Scream 4. I was really excited because I liked a lot of those people.

I was like, hell yeah. Yep. But yeah. And then, of course, you know, Matt, Chad and Tyler are fucking awesome.

They're always fun to talk And I would love to do a podcast with them like every week because-

I love that like it was funny because we would forget to ask like a follow up question.

Because we're just so excited to talk. Like, hello, I'm not Barbara.

And Tyler in particular, Tyler Gillette, I was like, do you want to, can you please like help us co-host regularly? whenever we interview people because he had such good questions they just like came off very naturally too like yeah you could tell he was like genuinely he genuinely had questions but it was great i was like thank you for helping us out because you're awesome at this because we're both sharting I'm freaking out.

No, that was one of the coolest things I think we've had the opportunity to do.

Highlight. We're so glad that you guys loved it as much as you did.

We obviously figured you would, but But you never know.

So we're very excited. It was awesome. Definitely a highlight for the holy shit.

What is our life right now? Yeah. Again.

And it's because of you guys. I was going to say thanks to you guys.

So that was all we... have huge appreciation for you that we were able to do that because without you we wouldn't We would not be sitting right here on this couch reading you some listener tales.

We fucking love you. To pieces, shmeashes. you know, bloody well love you.

That was like very us. Like I was like, I love you to pieces, schmises.

And you're like, I bloody well love you.

I totally stole that from Bradley Rose, the Peloton instructor.

Yeah, you've been vibing lately with that.

Yeah, I have. Yeah, I did a workout today that I almost barfed from.

So that's where we're at in life. Well, there we are, you know. that's a quick catch up of us and but this is listener tales yeah So we're just going to dive right in because we don't do any news.

We don't do any shenanigans on these. We just...

Boop. All right, let's do this. So the first listener tale that I have is entitled...

Listener Tales in 14-point font double-spaced PDF glory.

Like, hello. You can't get better than that.

Spoke to my soul. And this one has two short tales included.

How is that? How did that get better? I just said you can't get better than that.

And then it did. And then it did. So this says, keep me anonymous.

Call me Sally. And I said, all right. All right, Sally.

It is a spelunking murder and Anna Rae is a piece of shit person and Pulitzer Prize article at the end.

All right. All right. Hello, my bitches.

I mean, sup my witchy weirdo biatches. Haha, seriously.

Hello, weirdos. And I hope this finds you well.

I love you already, Sally. Let me start.

The first story is a cut and paste from an older email that I sent not in PDF form, for which I apologize immensely.

But it's still a good short story. And now it's a beautiful puttafa.

I love you. I can't stop. Obsessed. I have since realized that I have many stories, including criminals, near serial killer tales, supernatural stuff, and so much more.

The recent MLK tapes reminded me that I have a connection to Anna Rae and it ain't right.

So I thought I would share and also add my previous murder tale.

They're both pretty short. So you could probably read them both.

We're going to. Shorten them if you want.

We're not going to. And she said, I know, I know.

You probably won't, but I had to say it.

I love that you guys get us. you guys always get us I'm now caught up on all your episodes and I am so sad that I have to wait for new ones I love love love your banter it makes me twirl oh that i just i picture you twirling i was gonna say that was precious So here is my first tale, spelunking murder in all its 14-point double-spaced glory.

Ye shall be filled with happiness now. You know me because I am.

Yeah. Hi, I'm Sally. I'm a 50 year old special education teacher.

Hell yeah, Sally. Hi, Sally. That's also something that I wanted to do.

You spelled hero wrong. Oh, I was like, what?

I was like, it doesn't say hero. I just ruined my moment.

No, I didn't. That just showed where I'm at today.

Right over my head. That was amazing. No, you are.

Your face was like, I didn't. It was like, I don't think I did.

What are you talking about? No, I wanted to be a special ed teacher and I... couldn't do it because I got so emotional every single day it's true That's a hard job.

So anyways, this past Halloween, I was looking for spooky podcasts and I found you two.

I have about 20 episodes left because I went back to episode one after listening.

Like, praise you. Whenever somebody says that, I'm like...

I'm glad you know us like now because you're going back to one and I don't know if you'd stay. i get like a little like twitch i get very i think every podcaster whenever somebody says i'm starting at episode one you're like uh no it sounds so bad it does i'm making them better don't worry oh you're the best well it's january fucking 13th when they wrote this And I have listened to you non-fucking-stop during my one-hour commute to and from work.

I remember those days. while I make dinner, while I do laundry, while I pick lemons and grapefruits for my trees.

I want some. While I water my plants, while I repot my plants, shower, play with my dogs, you get it, I'm addicted.

Here's my listener tale. I'm a child of the seventies and a teen of the big hair power ballad non-cell phone having non-Google having, barely VCR having, Atari and Nintendo having, no caller ID having, write your directions on a napkin having,

Fold letters into origami masterpieces and pass them to your friends in the hallway between classes having Homegrown pinner doobies having.

Homegrown pinner haveys. I messed it up.

Homegrown pinner doobies having of the 80s.

Amazing. I'm so here for it. I was a child for some of that.

I was not. I was going to say you were not.

But I wish I was. In the summers, we left in the mornings and didn't come home until the streetlights came on.

I'm from the country roads of Tennessee, which is where this takes place.

I tell you all this because if this had happened today, it would have never escalated.

It probably would have been a tweet and internet sleuths would have ended it rather quickly, I'm sure.

But here you go. It's important to note that I F-bomb a lot, and there's mention of smoking old school homegrown doobage often.

That's basically like, I love that. I'm obsessed with you.

I love you so much. Me thinks it's good to clarify that little homegrown pinner doobies didn't have the same potency as the hybrids, et cetera, of today.

So you smoked a few more, okay? I believe that.

We weren't flat we weren't flattened on the couch or fried in a pan like our brains were on drugs haha not sure if you remember oh i do the just say no campaign was big in the 80s and tvpsa is saying this is your brain an egg And this is your brain on drugs and egg frying in a pan was all the rage.

They had a Rachel A. Cook one. really like that and i remember it vividly that's just so funny to think about now yeah I think she was wearing like a white tank top.

I'm pretty sure. Like it's for some reason burned in my mind.

The evolution of doobage smoking. We were into it, though.

We proudly wore our Just Say No shirts. Stoned.

I love that. Of course. Here's a stock photo, but ours were white with green letters.

Anyways, I didn't come here to tell you that LMAO.

So onto those summer days during the summer of 86 and between 10th and 11th grade, me and some of my friends decided to go spelunking.

What is spelunking, you ask? It's going caving.

What is caving, you ask? It's exploring one of the many wild caves that are everywhere in Tennessee.

That's so badass. That sounds like so much fun. horrifying but badass yeah all of the above only locals know about them.

You gotta know somebody who knows somebody to find them.

Most are on private land. Once the person who knows somebody who knows somebody says it's cool, you go find the cave from verbal directions, not by Google, but by directions that you have written on a piece of paper. that you have ripped from the fucking phone book or a napkin or whatever from somebody telling you over the phone who knows somebody who's been there These caves were fun to explore.

It was real wild back then. It truly was.

I picture people just driving and looking at handmade directions and I'm like, Were accident rates higher back then?

Oh, yeah, because I was driving at the time with MapQuest directions for sure.

It was a harrowing time. Yeah. Yeah. Because even sometimes just like this is me being a bad driver sometimes. but like looking at my gps i'm like oh fuck i almost hit that like telephone pole sorry We just had to be better.

We just had to be better than that. I think that goes for many different things.

We were forced. We just had to be better back then.

I lost my place. That's because we were just talking about...

Map quest, you know? These caves were fun to explore.

There was often cool graffiti art. Sometimes there were little creeks inside.

Oh, that would be so much fun. They can have big rooms or little tiny hallways to crawl through.

I would not do that. It could be like the descent and you find a hole just... colony of species that have evolved to live underground in the caves and they eat you all. yeah it could be like that yeah or sometimes you would find remnants of the other people who had been there such as the old fire pit or an empty beer can or two That would probably be better to find.

A little more cash. Yeah. So after we sat around one morning smoking some homegrown I love that it's always just homegrown pinners.

I've never heard of pinners. I have not.

I don't know if that's like a joint or something.

Yeah, I don't know. Sounds right. Because you can push down the weed like that.

I don't know. That's my best guess. Honestly, that's better than I could have come up with.

Well, they were doing that and listening to the radio, and then they set off to find a cave.

The windows were down in Boston, ACDC, and Chicago were blasting on the radio.

That just sounds like me. Andrews trips like honestly that's exactly what we listen to minus ACDC we don't listen to a lot of that But blasting on the radio and the humid summer air tangled our hair as we drove past cornfields and tobacco barns.

Good times. Not a care in our world. Just cruising.

Oh, man. That sounds... delightful i'm like there right now like i'm there i'm sitting in that car i can feel it I just felt the wind blow through my hair.

Yeah, I smelled corn. Because remember, I smell corn.

Remember when you were younger? Just everybody, remember when you were young?

The end. No. Remember when you were younger and you would just like roll the window down on a summer day and you'd be playing the music that you just like. blasted and you don't have shit all to do there's nothing to do you have nothing to do yeah for the foreseeable future your shit is wide open yeah and you do not appreciate it enough you no one appreciates it I used to get so irritated when older people would be like appreciate your youth you know it's not always gonna be like this I'd be like shut up Now I'm telling my little sister, I'm like, listen, you got to go out with your friends.

You got to appreciate it. Look around the room.

Take it all in. Look around the room. You got old real fast.

Because life comes at you fast. When it hits you sometimes.

Life's tough. Get a helmet. Knock, knock.

Does anybody remember? Boy Meets World when they did that.

I don't remember that, but I do remember Boy Meets World.

I think it was Eric did it to Corey. He like puts on a helmet. on his head and says, life stuff, get a helmet, knock knock.

That was probably like in their beginning seasons when Eric was like a functioning human. yeah before eric had the traumatic brain injury that he apparently had just like never got changed his character completely yeah yeah real weird You know what's even more stressful than a packed calendar?

Realizing you're out of coffee right before a meeting.

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The sale ends 831. Don't miss it. We finally found the location of the cave that we were looking for.

It took us longer than expected because our stoned asses were stoned.

And that's what happened on the back roads of Tennessee in the eighties in the summer with nothing but time.

Oh, We parked and got out, put on our waders, got our flashlights, put some beers in our backpacks, smoked another pinner, and took off walking.

We found the entrance and walked at least a mile into this cave.

It was pitch black. Damn. The only light was from our flashlights.

I can't imagine that you did that all stoned.

I was just... This all sounded great, and then you were like, we walked a mile into a cave in the pitch blackness.

I'm like... In waiters, too. I'm out. Like, I don't like to do physical activity if I'm stony baloneyed.

It just... That sounds terrifying. In walking a mile into a pitch black cave, like, your girl gets paranoid.

Yeah, no. I would freak out. I would. absolutely freak out probably stoned or not i was just gonna say i would freak out stone cold sober in there never mind Cave crickets were jumping around everywhere.

So yeah, count me out. Yeah. Because they said, which is actually terrifying and I can only imagine.

No. But that's just part of spelunking.

I need to look up what a cave cricket looks like while you do this.

Because crickets in general, I'm sorry, they disgust me.

Gosh darn cricket. They are prehistoric motherfuckers.

Oh, fuck no. Can I see? No. I don't want that.

You're like no you can't see. No I don't want it.

Oh fuck no. No, no, no, no. They're, like, huge.

I feel like they would, like, land on your shoulder and then, like, become you.

Like... I don't need that happening to me.

It would just become you. Yeah, like... Like Jess.

Yeah, like the bug would just be, yeah, exactly, exactly.

I mean, yeah, I'm honestly looking at them.

I'm like, yeah, they could. they could be coming from me like just google it guys cave cricket or don't i think you should do it you heard it here first But that's just part of spelunking in the wild, so you deal with it.

You do. You do. I don't. I do not. Well, we finally came to a dead end, or so we thought.

Looking around with our flashlights, we saw that we could keep going, but the quote unquote hallway to keep going was about seven feet up from the ground.

Do you have a ladder with you, ma'am? No.

Ma'am, I'm going to need some help here.

How? Clean up on aisle seven feet from the ground.

Seven feet up. If something's seven feet up, it's not for you.

Yeah, it's not for me. Unless you're a basketball player.

That is not for me. Not for you. That was not made for me.

I don't need to be up there. I don't even want to get to the top of my cabinets half the time.

I don't care what's up there. No problem.

We could lift each other up, but that meant that one person would be left behind.

Oh, God. If I was that person, I would just leave.

They said not to worry. They wouldn't have to wait long.

And no, he didn't get murdered. He just had to wait for us because he couldn't get up by himself.

Now, as soon as we entered this quote unquote hallway, we realized it was an entrance to a larger room.

We stood at the entrance and as we looked around with our flashlights, we saw the bottom half of a woman with just her legs sticking out from a pile of rocks and mud.

Excuse me? And she was naked. Huh? A woman.

What? A naked woman. I'm sorry, excuse me, what?

On just a spelunking trip. So this is the descent.

We turned around and got the fuck out of there like a motherfucker.

Yeah you did you smart smart kids. we all jumped down from the entrance seven feet jesus christ i didn't even think of that i was like yeah somebody can get you up but how do you get down yeah You gonna break a tibia?

Like, are you guys just doing, like, cheerleading moves?

Are you guys okay? You guys were a lot. I love it for you.

You were. You were so extra. So they jump down and then they yell to the one left behind that they needed to get the fuck out of here now. that's what you want to hear yeah like we gotta get out of here you're like okay we ran all the way back out of this cave excuse me Like a fucking mile.

Made it to the car out of breath and drove as fast as we could to the closest payphone.

Oh my god, because I forgot this is the 80s.

A sign of the times. We called the police, told them that we found a body, and gave them directions to the cave.

Stand by me. Giving the police directions.

I love it. They knew the one that we were talking about, by the way.

It's a small hillbilly town. Yeah. We drove back to the cave, ditching our underage beer on the way.

Smart again. Good call. You guys knew. Yeah.

You had it. It was a time. You were okay.

I feel like everybody just got it. You know what?

The kids are all right. They are. Yeah. so we were freaked the out we waited soon cops were all over the place fire trucks ambulances it was a total madness we stood around while the search began we were tripping balls About an hour later, our happy homegrown buzzes were gone.

That's right, they were. Shit like that will sober you up real quick.

We sat in the car still waiting and finally we saw them carrying her out of the cave.

Then suddenly, they threw her back in one of those trucks.

We were like, what the fuck? Wait, is this like... deliverance like what is happening like they're just like movie connections just bringing this just tossing her in the back of a truck like This is like wrong turn.

Yeah, this is not okay. Oh, that's a good ass movie.

That's a scary ass movie. Oh, I want to watch that now.

Our jaws were dropped, our eyes wide open.

We were side eyeing each other like, oh my God, what the fuck?

Why? I don't know. And then, one of the officers came over.

He explained to us that this was indeed tragic.

He told us who she was. She was a fucking mannequin.

Stop. I shit you not. Stop it immediately.

Wait, what? We were speechless. We drove home with the radio on silent, laughing and talking the entire time.

We laugh about it still to this day. The end.

That's amazing. I can't say enough. The one time.

The one time it is actually a mannequin.

I love that. That could be like, I wish that could be somehow made into like a short film.

I was just thinking how amazing that would be to watch in like a short.

Because I was watching it in my head the whole time.

Me too. I was seeing everything, every part of this.

I could feel it. I could hear it. I could smell it.

Yeah. Everything was there. And then I loved that it wasn't like... you know, we were so upset and blah, blah, blah.

It's like, no, you just got back in the car and you laughed your fucking asses off about it.

Because that's hilarious. And you know what?

You did your job. You called the police when something looked weird.

You'd rather be a mannequin than not. So...

Good on you. That's called due diligence.

That's an amazing story. Okay, well, there's another.

Well, well, that was a murder story. Murder of a perfectly good buzz and also a tale to tell the kids.

Am I right? Yeah. You are right. So now on to the shitbag.

No, sorry. So now to the story of the shitbag that is Anna Rae.

Let's go. As I said in the previous story, I grew up in the country roads of Tennessee.

It was a big deal that Anna Rae lived near.

It was well known that she lived there, but it was talked about in a hush like a side whisper did you know that's where anna ray lives who is anna ray james earl's ray's wife oh shit no way yes way that's exactly what you and in case in case you're wondering James Earl Ray is who killed Martin Luther King Jr.

Yes. So he's a murdering son of a bitch.

Big deal that his wife is there. Asshole wife.

Yeah. Fuck her. Just so you know. Fuck all of them.

Fuck them. And then you moved on about your summer day.

This story really centers around our family dog, Baby, or specifically my little sister's dog, a little 15 pound poodle mix that was the sweetest baby in the world. don't worry baby is fine thank you doesthedogdie.com is what i was about to ask precisely she went to the rainbow bridge years later of old age and lived a happy life.

My sister is eight years younger than me, and we were latchkey kids, so I often took care of business.

One day she came to me telling me that baby was missing and she couldn't find her.

I should go ahead and tell you that back in the 70s and 80s, dogs ran around without leashes often, especially in the country.

They trailed you all around when you played with your friends or walked around the woods, went to the creek and crossed a train trestle.

Oh, damn. That's another story you could tell.

Please tell us that. Anyways, we all went out calling her name and looking for her.

We didn't have online help or computers or printers even to make posters.

We just had to walk around door to door and street to street looking and calling.

All the kids were riding their bikes around calling.

We didn't find her that day, but everyone who knew baby was.

Sorry, but everyone who knew baby was and they were looking out.

My sister was devastated and I felt helpless.

There's nothing worse than when your dog gets out and you don't find them in a night.

I can't even imagine. The next day, a kid knocked on our door and told us that they had seen Baby in Anna Rae's backyard.

What? That fucking crazy ass bitch had my little sister's dog?

Oh, hell no. I rallied my friends and we walked past the house, which to us could have easily been an axe murderer's house for all we knew back then.

The house was unkempt. creepy house that housed the wife of a murderer or the murderer of martin luther king jr and she had my little sister's dog.

We've all rode our bikes up and down looking at the house.

Some of us were walking and trying to get a glimpse into the backyard.

Okay, which one of you fuckers is going to go up there?

We went to my house to devise a plan, and the plan was me.

I wasn't afraid. Nope. I was just, I was just shitting my pants in secret.

That's right. You were. My little sister.

Love it. my little sister was counting on me oh so i took my little sister's bike and led the pack of kids the plan was that i would knock on the door and ask for my sister's dog That's a great plan.

You guys nailed it. Yeah, I think you did really well coming up with that.

The gang of bikers and walkers would wait in the street a little ways down as backup.

If I signaled with my hand, they would fall in full force army style to my rescue.

I'm screaming. This is amazing because I can also picture this.

This is also like really, can you imagine living near Anna Rae?

No, I can't. Like my brain couldn't handle that.

And then having to go and be like, give me back my dog, bitch.

Like, why do you have my dog? Oi. She was probably going to murder me for even knocking on the door, right?

So with terror and adrenaline flowing through my body, I dropped the bike at the road.

Walked up the driveway and with all the braveness of Ramona, knocked on the door.

A large man wearing a wife beater that didn't cover his gut area and... cut area or flea infested chest hair opened the door.

I said, you have my sister's dog and I want her right now.

Hell yeah. He said, what she looked like I replied terrified with all the air I could muster to speak she's a small white poodle mix and he said nah haven't seen it you liar You liar.

Just then, I heard Baby whimper and right behind this giant Sasquatch, I could see that Baby was sitting on the couch and being held back by none other than Anna fucking bitch ass Ray.

I screamed, that's her! That's right! Without thinking, I pushed.

Get that dog. Get that dog. I pushed back this troglodyte sneeze.

That's right, you did. Ran over to baby, grabbed her with the force of Wonder Woman and ran the fuck out of the door towards the bike. screaming, I got her, I got her.

Hell yes, another short film. I love it.

The kids rallied around me and we rode on.

And ran off as fast as we could home. I rode that little bike.

Like an AWOL munchkin on the yellow brick road being traced by flying monkey Sasquatch.

I'm screaming. i was barely able to hang on to baby it almost dropped her several times we finally got her back to my house and i looked down to see both my entire legs were covered in fleas.

A little gross. We washed baby outside with the hosepipe and never let her out of our sight again.

So that's my Anna Rae story. She's a shitbag.

Yeah. And apparently she always has been.

Just before deciding to write this, I Googled her crotchety ass to find out if she was still alive.

And guess what? arrested for animal cruelty in 2021.

I'll link an article which includes her rigor mortis decayed looking photo.

Yeah, and if you look at this- I couldn't.

If you Google her being arrested for animal cruelty, It's disgusting.

They have photos of the places that she had, because she had like 44 dogs or something that she like...

Yeah, and they were in absolute filth. Why? malnourished like mistreated because she's a piece of shit just like her husband like what is wrong with people and that's It's so fitting.

So fitting. That makes me so sad. Yeah. So thanks for reading my tales.

Hope it wasn't too long. I so love your podcast and congrats on being number one.

Aw, thanks. Thank you. It was so fun while it lasted. keep it weird my witchy weirdo bitches all the best today and forever sally Oh, man, Sally.

I just love you. You know, I feel like you're Mustang Sally.

You are Mustang Sally. You really are Mustang Sally.

I feel it. Wow, that was amazing. It truly was.

That was everything I needed it to be. And more.

And more. Well, I have one called... fart-tastic listener tale.

This one had me lolling. I would like to point out that Ash picked all of these out.

Yeah, go ahead. So I haven't even read all of these, so this is going to be a new experience for everybody.

This one is a treat. I'm pretty, as soon as I saw Fartastic, I was like, yeah, Ash picked these up.

Remember when the password to my phone was fart for a really long time?

Yes, I do. It's not anymore, so don't try to hack me, but... but it was it was uh all right listener tale was i cursed or did i just pee my pants on a haunted island Probably both.

I hope both. Hey, motherfuckers. My name is Abigail.

Go ahead and use it. But it's Abigail, not Abby.

Thank you and good night. Just kidding.

I will start with the oozy, goozy, gushy, mussy love for your podcast and the joy it brings me.

This year has been a shit show, so my dog looked at me crazy the first time I rolled on the floor dying from the Sparky Big Time episode.

Yeah. Also, y'all had me pissing myself when you go, you've been probed.

You've been probed. We haven't said that enough.

I miss the you've been probed. I do too.

It's so good. I hardcore think my dog has been probed as she has this gigantic satellite ears likely to communicate with the aliens. and a small scar next to her ear.

That must mean she's been probed, motherfuckers.

Yeah. Anyway, you guys are the motherfucking tits.

And please never stop the banter. Fuck the haters.

But now on to the story. I listened to one of your older episodes about Grey Cloud Island and oh boy, my traumatized brain goes here.

Because here is fart-tastic memory for you to process with your therapist.

But sorry, David. I'm going to write to some random people I met on the internet to deal with my problems.

Thank you and good night. I'm screaming.

Sorry, David. Sorry, David. Not today. Okay, so for a little backstory, I'll try to make this short, but it is necessary for the story.

So at the time, Homeslice is a solid 18 years old and thriving for the first time in ever.

I appreciate the way you separate some of the trickier mental health issues from the actual cold-blooded killers. and i am fucked in the head i want those to be musical notes but bitch is trash Fucked in the head.

I love you. I love you so much. Now I started drinking daily at the age of 12 to fall asleep.

Holy. resulting in a plethora of drug use and my sober ass surviving rehab twice to be a full-fledged functioning adult.

Get it. That's amazing. That's insane that you were able to come out of that.

And I commend you like big time. that's right motherfuckers this bitch has been sober for a solid two years get it that's like so that's amazing FYI, my mental health issues are compounding from that super spicy childhood drama. but that's a novel all alone i got you i just love the way you write i do too I graduated valedictorian of my high school with a scattering of other acknowledgements that don't mean jack shit so the rational side of my brain is thriving while the emotional side is dying.

Fucking David would say if only you were in my mind. you were in wise mind fuck dbt That's the kind of therapy that I do.

As soon as she wrote, fuck DBT, I was like, we friends.

I was like, I didn't even know what that was.

I don't know what it stands for, but it's like a version of therapy that sucks.

Wow. It's very helpful, but very like. but it's hard you have to go through your issues well you know what congrats good good for both of you for going through it you know Oh man, you're funny as fuck.

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On to the story. So Homeslice was in her second sober living. in almost a year sober when some of us societal degenerates decided we must go to Grey Cloud Island.

We made this decision at about... 1 a.m after a bonfire those were weekly occurrences so nothing out of the usual i love a good bonfire i know I was as hopped up as a sober person can be after smoking a solid couple packs of Camel Wides and shotgunning my third energy drink of the day.

Well, you remember how I am fucked in the head, right?

So this toxic combo is flooding through my body, spiking my anxiety, but also my hypomania.

So here we go. Now, I haven't ever seen a ghost sober, so the thought of seeing one was about as intoxicating to my attic brain as chugging vanilla extract in the school parking lot.

Whoa. But I was also pissing my pants, but I wanted to look like a big girl as I was always the youngest in my sober living houses.

Thank you. So I hopped into the back of a motherfucking Honda Civic wielding a brick and a large stick I found in the yard.

Smart, you know, you got to bring protection.

I thought if I saw the haunted white truck or just an angry resident, I would be safe.

Sure, a ghost would totally be scared of a brick, dumbass.

I demanded young gravy be on the ox. as I sat with my brick energy drink and watermelon Sour Patch Kids while smoking a cigarette thinking, I'm pretty sure there's a haunting hour, but I can't remember.

I wish I would have remembered. I need young gravy on the ox, please.

Can I get some young gravy on the ox, guys?

Literally. I'm like crying. No, like I'm crying.

So I'm jamming out. and thinking maybe being sober wasn't so bad, or I'm gonna die.

My brain is kind of funny like that, yikes.

We get to the island and change the music, of course, to set the ambience and maybe hear something spoopy.

We knew we had to find the graves of the 12 nuns because, not to suck my own dick, but I am actually good at counting, so I'm hyped.

Not to suck my own dick. I can't breathe.

I'm literally crying. I don't know if I've ever heard that expression before and I love it.

That was so well placed. We were driving onto the island via a small bridge when what do you know, a white car starts following us.

We had Googled the coordinates to the cemetery since they were not marked and decided to head that way.

When we were close enough to the coordinates, the car was still following us, so we decided to keep driving until we dropped it.

That motherfucking car sped up and slowed down in queue with our car.

I am peeved, not scared, but about ready to throw hands or a brick.

I mean, I am sober in this fucked up world that I was left on without my consent.

And this girl just wants to see some spoopy gravestones, so fuck off and let me have some fun.

We drove for a solid half an hour around this island.

I was smoking perpetually with the windows open and all of a sudden I heard something fresh air is for dead people.

And I told my friends to turn off the music and they looked at me like I was suddenly like I was suddenly stoned.

Turn down the music, motherfuckers, I yelled.

They obliged. Turn this young grapey down a notch.

Motherfuckers. Now, I'll try to explain this sound as best as I can, but it was kind of like...

A mother leading some children in a lullaby.

That sounds horrifying. Yeah, I don't like that.

There was a deeper, more adultish voice singing, but also very distinctively children's singing.

I could hear it as clear as day but no matter how hard I tried, I could not understand the words.

So at this point, I got my head out of the motherfucking window trying to figure out what the fuck they are saying. and wondering if maybe there is more things wrong with my brain than my psychiatrist thought.

When my friends are like, what the fuck, dude?

They did not hear it. I thought I was shitting crazy.

But when I sat down and looked over my shoulder, the car was not following anymore.

Perfect, I thought. Let's go get those gravestones counted.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 so we drove back to the coordinates and started walking toward them uh, since they were off the road a little ways.

I'm sweating now with my brick and toe. And now aware that this may be fucking stupid to go to a random island, park on a dirt road, and walk through the forest. without telling anyone in the middle of the night.

And this bitch had to pee from all the energy drinks, so I clung to my friend's jacket with my brickless hand, Questioning all my life choices.

We of course heard the dumb beats that everyone talked about.

And at this point, the fucked up singing had stopped now.

Looking back with my new podcast-induced brain, I can remember it was right around 3am.

We walked for a solid hour, looking around with the dark playing tricks on our minds.

We could not find the motherfucking gravestones and I was starting to get annoyed.

And did I mention I had to pee? We suddenly saw a blue light in the distance.

It seemed to be getting closer. And we motherfucking ran for our goddamn lives.

It was literally probably a security light from someone's property, but we yeeted the fuck out of there.

We decided to stick around on the bridge that separates the island and smoke a bit. because what else are you gonna do at the motherfucking ass crack of dawn?

Also, I probably should have mentioned that we had a midnight curfew So at this point, we were fucked anyways.

Now a bitch had to pee, but if you You know anything about staying up far too late after chugging energy drinks and smoking like a goddamn chimney?

You know that I wasn't thinking the most clearly and shaking like a gun to like a fucking body earthquake.

So I'm on this bridge pulling down my pants in the light of the moon.

And... and a motherfucking how romantic and i motherfucking peed straight on my pants Now, Homeslice has been peeing her whole life.

And now on a fucking haunted island, I choose to forget how to take a piss?

So we headed back to our sober living. planning how we would sneak in, me without my pants, and the remnants of a strange lullaby floating through my mind, now to, was I cursed?

We snuck back in quite successfully, I might say, after some innocent sober fun around 4.30 to 5am.

Immediately one of the other girls I went with, we shared a room, got a call from one of the girls at our former sober house who had slit her throat and was screaming and crying over facetime holy And it didn't take long to realize that she had relapsed on meth, her DOC, drug of choice for all you normies.

I was going to say I didn't know what that was.

But that like came down real fast. Right?

Yeah. Now, if that wasn't bad enough, I forgot to mention we were supposed to be moving out of our sober living the next day. so after a solid hour of sleep, I popped alive to gather my shit.

Me and my roommates got into a huge fight that day, huge enough that I did not stay in our new apartment for two days.

And this was all over a scuff mark on the fake wood floor.

I was quite convinced that I would now start doing drugs once again.

Thankfully, I had many people who cared about me.

And let me stay with them until I got my shit together again.

Now again, cursed. I got into a car accident that left me standing in the middle of the biggest highway in Minnesota.

I have no idea how I got out of the car or what actually happened to cause an accident to this day.

I had bruises covering my chest and a mad seatbelt burn.

Shit continued to happen one after the other from having to bike 10 miles to work, to sleeping for days, to refusing to eat, I was not able to feel anything except pain until I left that apartment.

We got into another fight about the fact that I bought a shy little pup. that she claimed was wildly aggressive.

No dummy, she isn't. She obviously just...

No, Debbie, she's obviously just probed and trying to adjust to a new planet.

Like, come on, get it together. I picked up my stuff and moved out while she was gone for the weekend and haven't seen or heard from her since.

I left and felt the most relief I've ever felt in my life.

So was I cursed? Who knows? But either way, I don't think I will be taking any more trips to Great Cloud Island unless I find myself doing drugs, which I pray every day will never happen.

I hope so, too. And I think you're going to be okay.

I think so too. I appreciate y'all for listening to this long ass story.

And shorten it if you need a walk. Never.

I hope you can also learn a bit about addicts from my banter and understand we are not all that bad and we do recover. peace motherfuckers abigail abigail you're a fucking legend and a half abigail What did you just do to me?

That was amazing. It was like, I loved reading that.

You are a hilarious person. A gem. You really are.

You're just a freaking gem. And you should be really fucking proud of yourself.

You should. I'm very proud of you. Me too.

And I hope you're still thriving right now.

And I feel like you are. I just feel it in the universe.

I do too. I feel good things about Abigail.

You're killing it. I really want to know what planet your dog is from.

I do too, and good for you for having an alien dog.

That's probably a big task to take on. It's tough.

I feel, you know, like I was going to say human dogs, earth dogs.

Yeah. I mean, human dogs are probably pretty hard to take care of.

I think we've all done that. Knock, knock my ex, but I think earth dogs.

Earth dogs. It took me so long to get there.

That's why I give you a little extra there.

Knock, knock my ex. Knock knock, Cory Matthews.

But earth dogs feel like, you know, they're hard enough to take care of. themselves but a dog from another planet yeah i'm just a very good person sorry for ruining no that was funny Alright, my next one is, I just wanted a baked potato and ribs.

It really is clear that I chose these, huh?

It sure is. Choosing the wrong time to be confrontational, aka a listener tale of me being a dumbass.

Amazing. So it starts off, Hey Elena and Ash.

First, I love the show, but of course I do.

Why else would I be writing to you guys?

You guys never fail to make me laugh every time I turn an episode on.

I've also adopted way too many of your catchphrases that I use on a daily basis.

One example being, I hope you have the day you deserve.

That's such a nice polite way of saying screw you and rotten hell.

Where did you get that from? You know, I was just gonna say, I got that, I saw somebody, I heard somebody say it.

Oh, I think it was on Patreon. No, you know what it was?

I saw... I think it was a Holocaust survivor, actually, that responded to somebody who was claiming... that the Holocaust didn't happen or some awful thing about the Holocaust that was untrue.

And he explained everything he, you know, he told his story.

And then at the end of it, he said, I hope you know what?

I hope you have the day you deserve. And I just remember being like.

He has every right to tell this person to literally go fuck themselves into oblivion. into the sun and instead he chose to say i hope you have the day you deserve Which to me is such a better insult.

It truly is. Because you know, you're leaving it up to... to have the one you deserve yeah that's all i'll say you know what i'm not gonna wish you a bad day i'm not gonna wish you a good day just have the one you deserve i I love it.

And I think it's great. I immediately was like, I gotta use that.

I like wanna be in a context where I get to say that. yeah it's just a great great way to just be like you know what it's a great way to say go fuck yourself without saying go fuck yourself yeah yeah Well, this says, anyway, secondly, I'm Mason.

You can use my name. I live outside of St.

Louis. St. Louis. St. Louis. Louis. In St.

Charles Co. County? Co-op? I don't know.

Company. No one got you. I enjoyed the Betsy Faria episode because I literally knew all the places you guys were referring to.

I had been to the Arby's that Richard stopped at on his alibi and I couldn't stop laughing.

Who knew a fast food place could show up on your true crime podcast and you're listening to one day.

But to be honest, I hate Missouri. What a hellhole.

Another important fact for this story. I'm not a confrontational person.

Same. I get secondhand embarrassment from people confronting other people.

Me too. And I will never speak my mind. Me either.

But I'm working on it in therapy. Me too.

And here I am staying silent. Alayna is usually the person who I need to get confrontational for me.

And I'm working on not being so confrontational.

I think you're doing a great job. Thank you.

I appreciate it. No problem. The town of Agde in France is famous for sun, sand, sea and sex.

But lately, life on the coast has taken a strange turn.

The town's mayor, a respected pillar of the community, has been arrested for corruption.

His wife claims he's been bewitched by a beautiful clairvoyant.

Then there's the mysterious phone calls that local people have been getting.

I am the Archangel Michael. The whole town has been thrown into chaos.

As the mayor is unable to carry out his duties, I would like to address you all.

Legal proceedings have been initiated. Join me, Anna Richardson, and journalist Leo Schick for The Mystic and the Mayor as we investigate a story of power, corruption, Binge all episodes of The Mystic and the Mare exclusively and ad-free right now on Wondery Plus.

Start your free trial in Apple Podcasts Spotify or the Wondery app.

This story begins on... I'm sorry. I love the Bruins.

Exactly. Well, you're not going to like this because either way, I thoroughly enjoyed watching the Blues and beating the Bruins in the tournament.

2019 stanley cup oh mason see i couldn't even say that come on i know it just ruins hockey sports It's just like malfunction.

Mason, I love the Bruins. If it's not about Bravo, I'm not there. but i digress i decided at some point during the pre-game or first period i wanted texas roadhouse oh yeah was ethan hurt there I was craving some ribs.

We'll scream drop for you. I was craving some ribs and a baked potato.

I ordered the food online and I decided that I would go in between periods during the 20-minute intermission.

If I timed it right, I could make it back in time for the next period.

I was driving my Nissan Versa down the road, listening to either Harry Styles or Nirvana.

Hashtag range. I was just going to say my goodness.

I feel as though we get each other. Yeah.

And this particular road is four lanes across, but right before the stoplight it changes into a right turn only lane there is no indication of that on any sign you just have to know that it's gotta be there man I would be real fucked there.

Knowing what I know about the lane I'm in, the left lane and that, sorry. knowing what I know about the lane, I'm in the left lane and this white Pontiac is on me. and riding way too close to me.

I get the little thought in my head, he's probably going to try to race around you So don't let him, don't let people, sorry, I'm totally like, so don't let him.

He's probably going to try to race around you.

Don't let him. People have crashed that way, I'm guessing. i'm sure and what do you know that is exactly what happened but he ended up behind me After the stoplight, the road is two lanes plus a center turning lane.

I was driving and this guy was on my ass.

And I was already going like five over. Like my gut, my guy, get off my gut fluid.

Why am I saying God? I thought you were like, it says God.

Like my guy, get off my butt, please. So I did something that I haven't done since I was 16.

I went the speed limit. Oh, it's the best thing you can do to piss someone off.

I love it. Because it's not aggressive. Even just going like a little bit under, I'm like, oh, just trying to be safe out here in these parts. because it's not being aggressive i'm just following the law following the laws of the land sir what else I'll be the first to admit I am not the most patient and I am a bit of a speed demon.

I'm going the speed limit and he will not get off me.

Suddenly he cuts me off using the center turning lane. and proceeds to go probably 65 miles per hour.

By the way, the speed limit on this road is 35.

Wow. And I am stunned. Who does he think he is?

But whatever. So I'm driving again and I have to make a left turn onto a four lane road, including a center lane.

And who's in front of me? The white Pontiac.

In my head, I'm like, wow, fuckface, you got real far cutting me off, didn't you?

The light turns to a yellow yield, and this guy isn't moving, despite that there's not a car coming our way the light turns green and still he hasn't moved I'm honking my horn wondering what this guy is doing.

Is it pettiness? Is it revenge? A mixture of the two?

I couldn't say. the light turns red I'm hangry and I just want my baked potato and ribs I feel like I've been there i am so angry for you i know like you deserve your baked potato you do and your ribs I'm waving my hands in the air with emotion like, dude, what are you doing?

Why didn't you go? I am sure I stuck everyone's favorite finger up at him as well.

In my irritation-stricken rage, His car door opens and he puts his flashers on.

Oh stop. Oh shit. I am stuck at this point and cannot go anywhere.

A mistake I never make, but I wanted my food.

I am too close to his car and I have someone behind me.

He steps out of the car and looks at me dead in the eyes. time stood still my first thought was my mom was gonna be so fucking mad i got But after looking at me for a few seconds, he closes the door. and walks off into the night towards the family video turned CBD store. my mouth was open and i was still freaking out i went around him and called my mom telling her what happened she always tries to see the best in people and was saying things like maybe his car was about to run out of gas or break down and he needed to get somewhere safe I told her that that made no sense.

We passed three empty parking lots, but whatever.

I hang up and get my food and pass back the way I came.

The white Pontiac is still sitting at the light, abandoned with the flashers on.

I have a bad feeling and call the non-emergency police number.

I tell her the story and she's asking what he looked like.

Now, lady, I have taken my psychology classes and know that it's hard to recall information in a situation like that, especially after thinking I was about to get shot, please let me try to take my time and remember.

I also literally cannot see shit, which makes me an awful witness.

But I'll sure try. Let me give it a shot.

I told her what I recall about him. Mainly, he was white, had a surgical mask and a grey hoodie.

She takes down my information and I make it home and tell my family the story and they think it's funny.

And I was right. My mom would have been mad if I had gotten shot.

I go back to watching the game. And I get a call from an unknown number.

Hi, is this Mason? I tell him, yeah, it's me, the one and only.

He tells me he's a sheriff and just got back from checking out the car I reported abandoned in the middle of the road.

Oh, shit. Oh. He also said that they hadn't found the guy, so you gotta love that.

Oh, that feels good. He took down my information and initially in my head, I was excited to get a certificate or a good citizen award or something.

The only reason I wanted one of those plastic badges.

Yeah. Right. The only reason I wanted it was to have a visual aid to the story.

I collect stupid random stuff. I feel you.

My found treasures collection. Hell yeah, you do.

Weeks went by, which turned to months and even a year and alas, nothing.

I was in no way recognized for being a crime stopper and basically giving the police something to do that wasn't committing a crime.

That's right. The last sentence was pure sarcasm.

But yeah. No certificate or sticker, just this story to tell.

Memories are enough, though. Also, if you could not tell from all the tangents I have gone on, This was written at night, letting my ADHD take complete control of my body, aka witching hours.

You guys are awesome. Thank you for creating this podcast.

It brings so much joy in my life. All the love, Mason.

Mason you bring so much joy in my life. All these people bring so much joy to my life.

That's terrifying. And like how rude like that.

I hope your baked potato was still warm when you got there.

I hope so and I hope they also give you some free peanuts because sometimes they do that I don't know any.

I think I don't even know if I've been to a Texas roadhouse.

You totally have. I feel like mom and papa took us there a couple of times when we were younger. no yeah they never took me maybe once it definitely wasn't a normal thing They definitely took me when I was younger because I have a childhood memory of all the peanut shells on the floor. yeah i do remember that so i remember it at least at least once though i think I think we had a better one near us and then it went away.

We don't have a close one anymore. So that was that.

There you go. Well, damn, Mason. Well, damn.

The next one is called Premonitions, a sister reunion in that time she died. didn't yeet when she should have yeeted so hard she should have yeeted let me tell you She should have eaten it.

This one is so spooky. I'm pretty interested.

It gave me chills. the spoopies is what it gave you yeah exactly hey ash and elena we're two sisters writing to you from portugal that's awesome right To be clear, Lauren, who is typing, is the Elena in this sisterhood and Jordan is the Ash.

You can use our names. Oh, thank you. Wait, please use our names so we can feel famous for a hot sec.

Yes, Lauren and Jordan. uh cue gush time almost 10 years ago we had a major falling out in our sisterhood and it's been a long journey back to finding one another Your podcast has played a big role in us rebuilding our bond.

That's like amazing. That's so cool. That made me feel so happy inside.

Every time you post a new episode, we race to be the first one to share it with one another. and we've rebuilt our sisterhood over the terrible awful sometimes hilarious stories you tell Wow, that just... gave me all the chills I know it made me want to cry I can't imagine not talking to you for 10 years no I literally can't even fathom that let's not ever get that mad at each other let's not do that but I'm so glad you guys are back together same here So we are here to tell you about Jordan's weird-ass visions as a child.

This girl's experiences are fooked, as Ash would say.

Since Jordan was little, she would see all kinds of creepy things and get feelings about things that were going to happen.

Sometimes she would see friggin' awful things, like the little old lady who would chill at the breakfast nook. and her stuffed animals that used to move and talk to her at night.

That sounds awesome. But only after our mother, cough, cough, we mean womb donor. moved them to a shelf above her closet.

From that height, they could stare down at her, blinking, grinning, and gurgling.

Shit's fucked. Why would they gurgle? And you know what?

She wrote shit's fucked, but I also am saying shit's fucked.

Shit's fucked. Gurgling? Why the fuck did they gurgle?

Maybe they were really into like teeth care.

You know what? Side note, because I just got to tell you guys this.

Do I know this? Yeah. It's about skeleton.

Oh, okay. My youngest, my two year old has recently told us and she wasn't upset about it.

Which is good. She's kind of excited to tell us.

She's pretty psyched about it, actually.

I don't know how I feel about it, but here we are.

She recently told us that in her room...

She was like, oh, there's a, and she calls skeletons skeletons.

Skeletons. And so she said she said there's a scout home in my room and he sits on my bookshelf and He lays on it.

And I said, and so at first I was like, okay.

I was like, okay, is he there right now?

Because we were in the room at the time and I was like, is he there right now?

And she was like, no. I think he went to see his family and I was like well that's nice I was like so does he just come and see like I'm glad he has a relationship with his parents hopefully and And I was like, so like he just comes to like hang with you at night?

And she's like, yeah. I was like, okay.

And I was like, does he sit on it like this?

And I kind of pretended to sit. And she goes, no.

And then she laid down almost like... On her belly.

Like you would see in like, you know, some like... big like hunky dude laying on like a bearskin rug would do like with like his like fist supporting his chin yeah And I was like, okay.

So he's just laying there like that. And I was like, is he scary?

And she was like, no, he's smiling. And I was like, okay.

Skeleton's a nice guy. Skeleton's a nice guy.

And I was like, she keeps saying that. He's a nice guy.

He's a nice guy. Yeah, and she said he just hangs there.

And then she looks out the window and she's like, go see if he's there yeah i wonder if he's outside i think he went to see his family his family's family But yeah, so Scouton has come back at least once.

But then he went back to... She said he's got to see his family.

So, like, that's... It's very important to him that he's with his family.

So I don't know what that means. Yeah. I feel okay about it as long as she feels okay about it.

But I had to tell you guys that because I knew you'd appreciate scale tone.

Scale tone. It's kind of like, it's like the newer version of she didn't have a body.

She was just made of bones. Except he was a bitch.

I was just, i was just gonna say she was that lady was a bitch i'm kind of scared that i said that but yeah it's It's like a better version of that.

Yeah, it's a much better version. I can still fucking see that lady in red.

I'm sad that you had that, because I wish you could have what little lady has here, because...

She fucking loves Scout Hall. I think she might have been like the embodiment of like what I was dealing with as a child.

I was just gonna say I think it might have just been like trauma trauma but but little trauma little goobers it's just like She's just vibing.

This is my scout hole for him. We also, like, read, like, Halloween books and stuff, so I'm like...

I don't know. She has the same thing. She doesn't change that story.

She has described him. Yeah. He's smiling.

He's nice. He's a nice guy. He's a scary guy.

That's what she says. Family. As long as he stays that way, he can hang.

Go off. I had to tell you guys that. It's been a thing lately.

And I feel like you need to know. you guys need to have you need to know you need to have the deets all right back to the story We were talking about gurgling stuffed animals.

Yay. But it wasn't all bad. When our grandmother passed away, Jordan was just eight years old.

She had been a big part of our lives growing up.

Five desserts at night. What? What? That's grandparent shit.

Yeah, it is. We had a really beautiful ceremony after the funeral in her backyard All the grandkids wrote her letters on white balloons and we re-leased them into the sky because it was the 90s and you know, F the environment.

After that, womb donor had a rare moment when mothering wasn't such a drag, and she asked Jordan if she wanted to pray with her about our grandmother.

Jordan's response? No, Mom, I don't need anyone to pray with me because Grandma comes and sits on my bed every night.

Insert jaw drop googly eyes emoji. I think that's precious. i'm obsessed and in other episodes of kids say the most fucked up shit One day, completely unprompted, she told a womb donor that she could imagine us sisters growing up, but not our brother.

Ooh. Nine years later, we lost the raddest, baddest big bro.

RIP, Andrew. We miss you a lot. Oh, RIP, Andrew.

I know, that part ruined me. I'm so sorry.

I love my big brother. That, like, hurt my heart.

It's like a premonition to you, like, as a child.

Yeah. Like I can see us growing up, but like I don't see him grow up.

We don't talk about Bruno. We don't talk about Bruno.

We don't talk about that. As she got older, her visions became more intense.

One night as a teenager, she woke up in the middle of the night.

Let's face it. It was probably sometime around 3 a.m., I would bet.

Her room was dark except for a low light drifting in from her closet door.

Just enough to illuminate the old-timey family of four standing in the corner.

I'm sorry. Let me read that again. Just enough to illuminate the old-timey family of four standing in the corner.

Love it. Okay. Not exactly here for it.

I'm upset about it. I'm having a visceral reaction to this, but they were dressed in clothes from the 1800s.

They always are. and they just stood there they always do huddled together they always huddle silent watching her i hate that i feel like old-timey families are always huddling together you Why do you feel that way?

I don't know. They're cold. It's not a lot of heat.

Okay. You know. They're stressed. Usually it's a depression of some sort.

Okay. Like a great depression. Maybe they're praying.

Yeah, they're probably doing, they're huddling together.

But they're just silent watching her. The mother was tall with long, scraggly, dark hair and incredibly pale skin.

It wasn't me. She wore a dark brim dress with a wide skirt, stockings, and a deadpan stare.

It wasn't me. The dad was short and stocky with a tall hat and a suit, vest, and bow tie.

A real Danny DeVito type, but none of the charm.

The brother was maybe five or six, dressed in shorts and knee socks.

Oh, no. But worst of all was the baby lying in the prim.

It was small and frail and wailing uncontrollably and no one stepped in to comfort it.

Ugh! I hate this. The family would come back to visit her often, always staring. always in the same formation, not like Beyonce.

Mom backed, like... I hate this. She didn't write, not like Beyonce, but I just felt it was necessary.

Screw. Mom back left, dad back right, brother in front of dad, and the pram was facing her. in front of mom situated situated so she had a perfect view of that screaming baby what's a pram A prim is like a, it's usually, I think, what British people call a stroller.

Oh, okay. but it's yeah it's just a stroller oh i hate it but like one of those old-timey strollers yeah like with almost like a yeah like with the big bassinet over it yeah Okay.

I hate that. Okay, somehow worse than that were the clowns.

Come on. I know, and she included a picture, and I just want to tell you...

I hate it. No. I hate it. No. I hate it.

To be clear, she had no previous fear of clowns before they started coming to visit her.

Yeah, I could understand that. That would start it.

The first time she was lying in her bed late at night on the phone with her friend.

Her light was on, but everyone else had just gone to bed.

Her bedroom door was cracked open, maybe a foot wide, with only the dark hallway behind it.

Something called to her to look over and a clown had passed. poked its head through the door, wielding a giant knife.

Come on, let me repeat that. A grown-ass clown with a giant knife is peeking in her door and can you believe this bad-ass bitch?

I said bad-ass bitch. Bad-ass bitch. She did nothing.

Nothing. She should have yeeted. And yet there was no yeet.

The way that sentence is structured. She should have yeeted.

And yet there was no yeet. She just looked away, trusting it would leave her alone, thankfully.

Fuck it did. Well, that's like the thing.

You're not supposed to pay like paranormal things mind because they become more powerful.

You're a hero because there's no way I could not pay that any mind.

No, especially after the, like, fucking... epidemic that was 2018, was it?

It was like 2016. Oh yeah, maybe it was 2018.

It's somewhere in 2016. 2016 maybe? Yeah.

I feel like I get 2016 and 2018 like confused sometimes.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I think they were, it must have been 2016, right?

I think it was. yeah because then i think like ahs kind of used some of that in the um in the season that year oh yeah good call good call around the election all that crazy I think so right all that fun stuff All right.

Another day, another clown. No, thank you.

She went on a class trip to DC in high school and was sharing a hotel room with another girl.

I feel bad for that girl. I love you so much.

But I would have been like, no, thank you.

You can't sit with us. You can't sleep with us.

It was a pretty standard room, two beds and a dresser that stood on the opposite wall.

Sometime in the middle of the night, she woke up and there was a massive clown sitting on that dresser with his elbows on his knees saying, staring right at her nope no no that's different from skeleton The photo attached is the best way to describe him.

Mind you, these assholes never talked. They just stared.

Even when she tried to talk to them, nothing.

They just stared. No, I also just want to know what she said to them.

I hate it so much. I know, just like, hey, can I help you?

What you doing? Why are you here? You don't sit there, you know.

How are you? How are you doing? No, I don't like this at all.

And you know what the picture that Lauren and Jordan sent is? like, a very John Wayne Gacy-ish clown, and it has, like, the very hard, sharp edges on the makeup.

Mm-hmm. And that's supposed to be like super aggressive and not and like scary for kids like that's why you don't.

That's why everybody always said it's very indicative of who he was, that he had sharpened all his makeup edges.

You're supposed to like rounded edges because it's like calming.

Yeah. And shit. Yeah. But yeah, so this one's like a John Wayne Gacy kind of thing.

He also has a shroud of some sort. Yeah, what is that about?

I don't love it. Because that just reminds me of like a sweet little grandma.

Yeah, I don't love it. I don't even like it.

I spilled away from it. Okay, last story.

Are you even still reading? I am. I am. Of course I am.

Another late night at home in her bedroom.

The door was wide open to the dark hallway.

Just close that door. Why is the door still open?

Close the door to the dark hallway. There's already been a clown that has shown you that's a bad idea.

Maybe you have like animals or something.

Maybe. That's true. Jordan is just minding her own business, not summoning beasts from the darkest levels of hell.

I mean, good. when a bony-looking girl came running past her bedroom door.

Why's she gotta be bony? No. She was maybe 10 or so with stringy blonde hair, fucked up skin and loose fitting clothes.

Like hand-me-downs that were too big for her.

This is reminding me of like The Sixth Sense.

Yeah, like the girl under the bed or the girl puking in the tent.

That fucked me up. She had huge creepy grin and eyes that were too big for her face.

She was carrying one of those giant blue plastic cups in her hands.

I feel like every household had these giant plastic cups.

Yep. anyhow creepy pants ran into the bathroom at the end of the hall Then ran back the other direction towards the stairs and never came back.

I'm glad. So this bitch was just running around the hallway with her creepy.

Pants? Running amok. No pants apparently?

I don't know. I hate it. Okay. The next morning, womb donor questioned her about why she was running around upstairs in the middle of the night.

And in her bathroom, she found that blue plastic cup sitting in the sink.

No. No, I'm not into it. I love that your womb donor was like not concerned about it while it was happening.

She was like, I got to catch the Z. In the morning, I'm gonna find out what happened.

In the morning, I'll see why my children are running around the upstairs into the bathroom. it's like that should I mean I think that's like the international parent call of like oh someone puked like that's you gotta know When I hear little like pitter-pat of feet running down the hallway, I'm like, oh no.

Booyak. because it's either I threw up or I had a bad dream which is both equally as terrifying because you're like you have to hear about it exactly and it usually includes like I saw someone standing in the corner and you're like, it's okay to know what's there.

And you're like, is someone there? I'll just lay here and cry with you.

And then you say, I'm wide awake. I'm wide awake.

Well, I think that's all the stories for now.

Someday Lauren can tell you about the noosed up red-eyed demon that occupies her bathroom. bathroom at night my whole body just went no i'm sorry excuse i'm sorry what what Is someday today?

Because you need to send that to me immediately.

I don't want it. I'm going to be rechecking my email for that story like I am waiting for a like a boy to call me back in 12th grade like please the worst please send me that send it But for the time being, she saged that fucker away.

Hell yeah, you did. Thank you guys for all you do.

You have no idea how much we love you guys.

We feel like we have a twin sister crew in some undisclosed location outside of Boston.

You do. Sending you so much love Lauren and Jordan.

Holy shit. I fucking love you. We love you so much.

PS for our sister reunion, we got matching tattoos.

We hope you like them. They send pictures and they say keep it weird.

And it's like the prettiest font. It's like swirly twirly and whimsical as fuck.

Dude, that's the coolest. And they look so badass.

They're so pretty. And I love the placement.

And you should always keep it weird. Do that forever.

Man, I love them. In case you're still reading this far, of course I am.

I will read for you forever. If you could just tell Jordan that I love her so much and I'm so glad she's back in my life, I'd be super grateful.

Thank you, you freaking beautiful, brilliant goddesses.

You are freaking beautiful, brilliant goddesses.

Brilliant. And you know what, Jordan? Lauren loves you so much, and she's so glad that you're back in her life, and so am I, and I love you guys so much.

That was so touching. that was the scariest shit i've ever read and the most beautiful and also the most beautiful at the same time it was devastatingly beautiful Thank you for just like ruining me in every way you possibly can. literally i i just i don't know if you heard me i went in and i was literally gonna say in every way you possibly can i want to like make a film about those stories they are so fucking scary yeah they're like scary stories to tell in the dark that's scarier than any conjuring movie Like, come on.

I don't like any of that. That old timey crew there.

No, stop. No, like someone take care of that baby.

Bye. What happened to that baby? Is that baby okay?

I hope so. I hope someone calmed down that baby.

I would offer it something. Of course. I'd be like, can I help? can i help you that sucks can i help a little bit i wouldn't approach them in any way shape or form because the baby was clearly like playing upon something like oh yeah for people like you that would be like can i help no yeah No, that's right.

Just like praying on everybody's weaknesses.

Paranormal strangers. Don't do it. Wow.

Lorden and Joran. Lorden and Joran. Lorden and Joran.

Thank you so much. lauren and jordan i love you guys you're the best you're the best all right awesome what do you think finish it up with one more yeah I'd say one more and this one looks like a good one this is a great one I just see Bette Midler that's all I see It's entitled Edith Stelitis, or whatever Bette Midler and her sister said.

Hell yes. They did say Edith Stelitis. All of that.

I know it. Hey, weirdos, I've attached a PUDFA, an award document for your viewing pleasure.

The options I have right now. The best.

It makes me feel like I have like so much autonomy when they give me options like that.

I'm like, ooh, yay. Ooh. all right so yeetus toleetus hey weirdos my name is kay feel free to use my name hi kay Please pause for a second while I crazy scream and happy dance as I realize that you're reading my listener tale.

Okay, go. Okay, cool. Now I proceed. My husband, Josh, feel free to use his name too.

And I have been together since we were 13 years old.

Stop. Kill me. I love it. John's grandparents were like that and it always touched my soul.

That's one of my favorite stories of love.

I love love. We've literally grown up together and have been there for each other through thick and thin.

From me getting my very first period in the back of his mom's station wagon, that must have of sucked butt.

That definitely did. To him getting recruited to his dream college to play football.

Oh my God. Oh my god, you guys are so precious.

We've been through it all. We actually wrote, I will always have your back in our wedding vows.

Oh my god. I'm gonna cry i love you guys wedding things lately are just ruining me i'm watching so much say yes to the dress and watch it'll ruin you forever afterwards because now when i listen to wedding vows i'm like oh my god I love John.

I want to write ours, but I'm like, I don't know if I'll be able to get through it.

Yeah, I couldn't. We just, we added little like things into ours, but we did not write up the whole thing.

I want to write ours because I also want to hear what Drew would say.

The pressure is on. And it says, anyways, here's the story of how my sweetheart left me for dead. so maybe it's not as cute as we think josh when we graduated college and moved back home we found a charming little apartment right above a flower shop with huge windows for lots of natural light.

Oh, that sounds great. We were balling on a budget.

So I was pumped that rent was right in our price range.

We lived there for a few months when Halloween finally came as a fellow Halloween queen.

I recorded all the scary movies playing on TV that week.

Josh and I have a tradition where we take Halloween Eve, October 30th through November 1st, off to To properly celebrate Hallow's Eve.

You're officially my people. I love you guys.

This means we stay up all night watching scary movies, eat Reese's from our cauldron candy dish, and soak up every last second of spooky season.

I need it to be spooky season again. We were just talking about how overwinter we are and how we need fall.

I need fall now. We started with Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Great choice. Child's play. Children of the Corn.

You know, the classics. Corn. And worked our way down to the list of The Conjuring.

Weird that you just said that. Weird. Insidious.

I think that movie sucks. Insidious? Yeah.

Wow. I don't really think it's that good.

That's funny. And Annabelle. Just had to throw that in there. when the last spooky credits rolled i was ready for bed and josh had already fallen asleep on the couch being the good wife that i am and heeding your life lessons that one should never sleep on the couch,

Lest they be murdered, I woke him up to go to bed.

I definitely had his back. That's good wife shit.

That's wifey right there. While I was getting ready for bed, I heard some weird rustling noises, but I figured it was the apartment shifting and or the two straight days of spooky movies getting to me so like a crazy white woman in a horror movie I ignored them Here is why I would like to tell you.

Here is where I would like to tell you that my husband is six foot four. a 300 pound black man who fears literally nothing and is both book smart and street smart.

Where did you find this, man? I know. This is wonderful.

Where I am a five foot three, 100 and bleep pound white lady.

Oh, my God. Whenever anybody asks for my weight, I'm going to say 100 and bleep.

100 and bleep. White lady who loves all things spooky and true crime.

But as dumb as fuck in literal life situations, I, like Ash, would have taken my flower crown and floated onto the bus with Charles Manson.

Girl, I get it. I'm so obsessed with this.

I got into bed, snuggled in close to my fierce protector and went to sleep.

I don't know how long I was asleep when there was a loud thud from the living room.

I heard it, but chose to ignore it yet again.

What is going on with you, girlfriend? That's when Josh said, bitch, wake your ass up.

I know you heard that. Josh. Fucking love Josh.

I sat up in my bed and my small house sized husband staring wide eyed at me.

I said, how long have you been awake? He said. between you snoring like you are auditioning for the role of the chainsaw from that Texas bullshit and the weird sounds in the living room.

I've got about only an hour. Oh my god. We started cowardly walking to the front room, you know, when you're tiptoeing slowly, bracing yourself for something to jump out and nab your little ass. when we heard a loud screech and two quick thuds by the window.

I turned to grab a kitchen knife because, again...

Like a white woman living in a haunted house, I would be damned if some demon was going to run me out.

That's right. No diamonds in here. Nuh uh.

I heard the front door slam open and all I saw was a dark blur run out.

Thinking it was Satan himself. i turned to seek comfort from josh and he was gone turns out the dark blur was him absolutely booking it to the car I watched him get into the car and look back up at me.

I was staring at him, staring at me with his hand on the door handle.

Another loud screech and thud came from behind me and I took off.

Knife in hand. Between the screeches and thuds and Josh screaming, knees to chest, bitch, we gotta go!

I love your love. I was in full blown panic.

We got into the car, but didn't have the keys.

Small town, leaving your car unlocked problems.

Ooh, she went with Joshua this time. That's how you know.

If that's your government name, you're fucked.

That's right. To which he replied, lady, listen to me. one of us should live to tell our tale.

And I made the executive decision that it was going to be me.

Oh my God, Josh, this is my favorite person ever.

I love, I love. I love that he's like, you know what?

Someone's got to live to tell this tale.

Executive decisions needed to be made. I have no doubt that if this man had the keys, he would have left our tires on the road peeling out of there.

I really don't think he would have came back for me either.

So much for having my back, eh? That was in your damn vows.

We both looked up at our front windows just waiting for that little Annabelle to pop up and wink at us or something.

But it wasn't a daemon at all. We saw motherfucking bats hitting the windows.

Oh my god. Probably five of them just screeching and hitting our windows trying to get out.

Josh and I busted into relieved laughter and decided to sleep in the car until we could call our landlord to relocate our new pets.

In the morning, someone came over to get rid of the bats and the, what's it called? uh fucking guano guano guano and patch the hole in our attic where they were probably getting in Josh again made the executive decision that the scary movies were too much for us.

So we deleted them off the DVR and said, ye just delete us or whatever Bette Midler and her sister said.

I would like to end this. It reminds me of Xenon when she says Cetus Lapidus or something.

That's what it reminds me of. Yes but maybe it was like a mixture of that.

It is. I would like to end this by saying that yes my husband calls me bitch a lot but no worries it's just a joke.

Oh honey I was not worried at all don't you worry literally i actually didn't even think about it do not worry You know when you say a word over and over again and it starts to lose its meaning?

Yep. That's what happened to my honey baby and deer after 13 years together.

John and I call us butt face and like butt head.

Every single night. Well, we literally say, I love you, butt face.

Yeah. That's what we say. Most of the time I just call Drew a turd.

Yeah. I get it. Yeah, we all get it. That's the story of how my big scary husband left me for dead when he thought it.

When he thought a straight Damon was in our home.

Which led him to come up with our new favorite phrase.

You just delete us. That was the perfect one to end on.

Why was that so good? And also that phrase, you don't get better than that.

No, you literally don't. You just don't.

You just delete us for whatever they said.

Kay and Joshua forever. Such a dude thing to say, too.

You just delete us. I don't know what they said.

You just delete us. I love it. I love it so.

You killed it. You always kill it. This is why we never want to stop doing Listener Tales ever and for always.

Because you guys just come out... With the best stuff.

You come out like... You come out swinging.

Yeah, you really do. I think I showed the movement.

You did. That's why I got it. So it's teamwork. teamwork makes the dream work oh look what we did there there we are but these are so much fun even when they're terrifying even when they're tragic even when you guys bring like all the thing it's just yeah you always bring a You can also always tell who picks them.

You can. Yeah. Yours are usually like a little more intense.

Like a little more intense than you bring a lot of funny.

Yeah, I like to bring the funny. March will be terrifying, I guess.

It will. all right cool get ready but well with that this was amazing being said we hope you keep listening and we hope you keep it Weird, but not so weird that you go spelunking and find a mannequin because actually, I honestly hope you keep it that weird because it sounded like a great adventure. definitely keep it so weird that you're a fart-tastic listener tale because that's just the best listener tale subject line that I've ever read in my whole entire life and I absolutely loved Abigail not Abby I also totally relate to the person that just wanted a baked potato and ribs but like I honestly need to know an update of what happened why did that man walk into the middle of the woods like that like why what is he doing why did you did you why'd you steal the car how did you hotwire it did you learn that on youtube i don't know fast and furious Also, your sister reunion is like the most beautiful thing that I ever heard in my life.

And I'm glad that you kept it that weird.

Definitely don't keep it so weird that you continue to see things and like continue to leave your doorway open because I feel like that's kind of like a lot of the problem there it definitely do keep it so weird that you have a love like k and josh aka joshua if you're in trouble Joshua, if you're nasty.

Joshua, if you're nasty. Goodbye. If you like Morbid, you can listen early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.

Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.

[Morbid Podcast: A Collection of Haunting Listener Tales and Personal Anecdotes]-[Listener Tales 36]

📋 Summary

Morbid Podcast: Listener Tales Summary

The Spelunking Scare and the Infamous Anna Rae

Supernatural Encounters and Curses

Confrontation and the Baked Potato Incident

Premonitions and Haunted Childhoods

The "Yeetus Toleetus" Finale

🎯Key Sentences

📝Key Phrases

📖 Transcript