Discussion keeps the world turning.
This is Round Table.
You're listening to Round Table with myself Hye Young.
I'm joined by Steve Hatherly and Fei -Fei in the studio from helicopter parenting to lawn mowing, parenting, some approaches to raising children often give parenting a bad name.
In contrast, lighthouse parenting shines a positive light on what effective parenting could truly look like.
So what exactly constitutes lighthouse parenting?
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Now, let's switch gears and explore an intriguing parenting topic.
For those that are raising a child or children, it can be a challenging and confusing project.
Am I doing this right?
What mistakes am I making?
What parenting style should I be using?
Well, today we may just have the answer for you.
It's called Lighthouse Parenting, and it seems to strike the right balance between stepping in when needed and allowing your child to make the mistakes necessary for growth.
And there's so much literature written on parenting styles.
Yes. So, so much written on parenting styles.
And I've heard from countless parents that it's really, really, really confusing because there is so much literature out there.
And there's so much terminology these days as well.
But what sets this style, this lighthouse parenting style, apart from other parenting styles, you mentioned a few of them young just a moment ago, this one is endorsed by the American Academy of Pediatrics.
They say it's a well -researched style of parenting with well -researched concepts balancing the need to be loving and warm and responsive with your kids while also holding them accountable for their actions, keeping them responsible and protecting them from danger.
The reason it's called Lighthouse Parenting is because, think about what a lighthouse does.
A lighthouse stands off back a little bit on the shore.
It shines a light as a guide for the boats to follow.
It doesn't go out and hold the boat's hand, guiding it through the ocean.
It's just there as a safety measure, and it's there if the boats need it.
And also it's there forever.
Yes. And I think that's a really comforting feeling for any child, even if you're a grown up one, that knowing that your parents are there for you, I think that's a stapling factor.
And I think it's really important for the growth of a kid until you become a grown up and you realize nothing lasts forever in life and really appreciate and cherish your parents when you can.
Absolutely. So yeah, Feifei, you are a parent.
And we had a chat before the show.
Yes, you have some some pretty deep thoughts about this.
Well, yeah, I know.
You know, this concept of lighthouse parenting does sound really intriguing and interesting, but then, you know, it sounds good on paper.
But I think the real issue is, you know, in practice, how do you draw the line between, you know, letting the kids fail themselves versus, you know, when to step in and intervene and tell them, you know, you need to be responsible for this and that.
And I think that's it's not a really a black and white answer, but in more of a case by case thing.
And I think one of the really good details within this concept is to manage your expectations with your child, because often the times I know me myself included as well is that we we expect certain things from my child.
For instance, I'm really good at English and my daughter or my my son is not really interesting in learning a foreign language.
And sometimes the first question pop into my head is how can that how can this be happening?
You know, you are my son.
You are my daughter.
How can you not interested in learning a foreign language?
It should be in your gene.
How old are they again?
My daughter is about nine, ten years old.
Okay. And but then that's old enough where they can have a legitimate interest in something, whatever it is.
Yeah. But then I realized she's interested in something else.
For example, right now, she's really into ballet, which I have zero experience with.
But then I think, you know, maybe that's her spot.
And for me, it will be learning English, learning a foreign language.
Maybe for her is more about gymnastics and ballet and dancing.
So as long as, you know, she follows her heart.
Yeah. Oh, you're you're touching on something, I suppose, every parent or a lot of children also out there can really resonate with and I think it's a lifelong lesson for all parents to learn how to manage your expectation of your child.
I don't know if this is maybe some the Eastern Asian parenting psyche can is a more prone to this or not, but I'll check with you.
Steve, so I'll give you a further example like my.
Okay, a good friend of mine.
She's the daughter of very successful parents, both of her parents have managed to pretty much come to the very top of their respective fields.
And her mom is a nation wide known, recognized, celebrated doctor.
And then my my friend tells me even till today in her 30s that she always feel feels like a disappointment to her mom because she never managed to achieve even like similar level of success in any shape or form.
Although her mom maybe after only having a few drinks would admit it, but it sort of exudes, you know, and her mom probably doesn't intentionally want to say this or express this.
But it's like, how could my daughter not be a doctor, first of all, common story, right?
And how come she's not doing well academically, that kind of thing.
And I think it's just really tough.
But parents really need to manage this expectation, because your your kids are, they are not you and they're individuals that could and this is not like you put a seed in there and then you think, oh, yeah, pak choy or a pine tree will grow out of it.
Because you know what, a unicorn could be given birth from that seed.
You just don't know.
And that's parenting.
That's having kids.
You plant a carrot seed and you expect a carrot to grow, for example.
But then yeah, a potato grows instead.
And you feel like, wait, what?
What? This is my life.
Yeah, I get it. So how does lighthouse parenting deal with this kind of expectation issue, which I suppose every parent will need to deal with?
Yeah, they call it.
Well, you mentioned it, Feifei, maintaining reasonable expectations.
Because when you push, and this is not my opinion, this is according to the concept, when you push your kids to get great grades in school or you push them to do well athletically, push too much to do athletically, well, they call this misplaced encouragement.
I love that term misplaced encouragement.
You feel like I guess as the parent, I'm just encouraging my child, hey, study really hard so you can get an A plus on your math test.
Hey, practice the guitar more, more, more, more so you can be even better when you go to your recital.
They call that misplaced encouragement because you're only setting your child up to fail in their eyes, not in your eyes in theirs.
Because if they don't get that A plus, if they don't win the recital, they'll feel that they didn't meet your expectation, even though from a parent's point of view, you were only trying to encourage them.
So they say, just keep your expectations tempered, so to speak.
Oh, is that pretty hard?
Easier said than done.
Yeah, it is. Sometimes I do need to bite my tongue to not nagging her.
I think it's essentially in their opinion, in the child's opinion, they're all nagging and makes no sense.
They're just nonsense.
Even though from our perspective, encouraging her, and I think maybe sometimes a child, they don't have as much self -control when it comes to homework or practicing.
But essentially to them, I think they're all, for instance, for my daughter, she's about nine years old, she has her own schedule.
She's not telling them every bit of her schedule to us.
So sometimes, as a parent, I feel anxious of what if she didn't know that she needs practice?
What if she didn't realize that the clock is ticking?
The clock is ticking at nine.
You know, the exam is tomorrow.
Here, read this, Fei -Fei.
Just read it all. Yeah, and from a parent's perspective, I heard a lot of my parent friends who just complain that we don't have enough time, because we want them to have a lot of reading them.
We want them to have physically healthy, so getting enough exercises outdoors.
We want them to do their homework, and sometimes we want them to take part in certain competitions so that they have a good resume growing up.
Yeah, I totally get what you're saying.
It sounds like a silly thing to say to say the clock is ticking at nine years old.
And in a vacuum, that would probably be a silly thing to say, but everything's relative, right?
And there are plenty, the population in China, I was having a discussion outside the building here with a man who works in the building as well.
And he was saying that you have to remember that here in China, and I didn't think about this before, he said the population is 1 .4 billion people.
And so that competition starts at a really young age.
So I get what you're saying, because it's not like you're raising your daughter and your son in the middle of the forest with no other competition, no other kids, no other moms or dads, asking, oh, how are your kids doing in school?
How are your kids doing?
Do they speak English?
Do they not? There's none of that, or there's all of that taken into consideration too.
So as a child goes through different ages and different developmental stages, you, I guess what your point is, is you want to make sure they're doing the best that they can.
Or at least not left behind by the majority of their age group.
And at least my initial thought is that I don't want her to regret after she grew up, thinking, what if I spent a little bit more time on this?
So maybe I don't need to catch up now.
Well, according to helicopter or sorry, to lighthouse parenting, hanging over your kids all the time to make sure they're doing their homework, to make sure that they're practicing ballet, hanging over them.
Hey, did you do that?
Did you do that? Did you do that?
That's not part of the concept of lighthouse parenting.
They say that it's better if you give them a little independence and a little bit of freedom so that they can arrange their own schedule and appreciate their own responsibilities.
They figure out what they need to do and how much of that they need to do.
Yes. And I'd like to respond to you both.
One quickly responding to you, Steve, before I forget the thought of regarding Fei Fei.
So yes, definitely having that independence is crucial.
And in my opinion, having it from early on is crucial because if you have been organized by your parents, what to do, what to think, what to choose from the curricular to life choices, what kind of boyfriend you want in the future, what kind of life you want to have in the future.
If you are not grown up, used to making choices and formulating thoughts and making those important choices, it doesn't happen overnight when you're 18 and then your parents are asking, so what major do you want to have in university?
You're like, and then what kind of boyfriend or girlfriend do you want in like less hot one?
The clock is ticking.
And you're like, yeah, oh, do I want the guitarist in the band in my college?
Am I attracted to that guy and wants to have a family with that kind of guy?
Or do I want to be with the guy who maybe has is wearing glasses, doesn't look super fancy, but is like super nice to me and he can earn a good living.
I mean, these are really practical things that sometimes people think about.
Are we still speaking theoretically or is this a peek behind your dating curtain?
Sometimes people say too much about their own lives, you know, when you're on this show and that's what happens.
But yes, having that independence in making decisions, I believe is important to start early.
That's one thing. And Fei -Fei, you mentioned regret.
I don't know. But in a really sentimental way, I suppose, because regret will happen no matter what you do in life.
Fair point. So just let that happen and accept that no matter how hard you try, how hard you try, my dear friend, I hope we don't get to that part, but I wouldn't be surprised if there are some, you know, tears at night for parents at some point in their life thinking about their kids.
But so this is going to happen.
So we might as well just accept it.
And then this reminds me of my best friend in the, one of my best friends in the UK in college.
Like she's British.
She comes from a very enviable upbringing, in my opinion, and her parents were very liberal and they respected their kids.
They provided everything for their kids and also a very open environment, carefree environment for them to grow up.
She went to a very nice boarding school, went on to college, everything.
And then it's really, really funny.
So mom was like, so what you gonna do for college?
And she was like, I want to do journalism.
And mom was like, sure, I fully support you.
As long as you're well researched, whatever, this is what you want to do and we'll pay for tuition.
And that's, I mean, that's sort of like, really common for Chinese parents, but for like UK American parents, not all parents pay for your college tuition.
Yeah. And then so after graduation and working as a reporter for some years, my friend and I met up in London once.
And she was like, Hey, young, you know what?
I actually really wish that my mom said to me, girl, you will be, you will not make nearly as much as what mom and dad made by being a journalist.
She was like, I wish my mom just gave me that warning.
Cause look at me now, you know, I'm, I'm staying in the stingy little apartment and look at my like lawyer friends or like friends who work in, in the oil companies, et cetera.
Like the, the lifestyle they can afford.
And I'm, I'm in this dingy little apartment and I'm doing journalism.
So does she like journalism?
Well, she obviously thinks that, you know, there could be some improvement with this kind of lifestyle.
So my, my point here to you is that even with, you know, from the outside, what we see is parents have maximized what they can do.
And then they've been so thoughtful for their kids.
Even in that case scenario, the grown up kid is still thinking, Oh, what if, so that's just part of human nature and all parents out there, just let it go.
Your parents, your kids are not going to turn out the way you want them to be no matter what I think.
And, and you know, just, just do the best you can.
Yeah. I think that's the core concept with the lighthouse parenting essentially is to let them fail as they were.
Yeah. One of the examples they gave, which I thought was quite interesting was if your child goes to school in the morning and say, for example, they forgot their math homework and they call mom, can you bring my math homework to school?
According to this theory, don't bring that to school for them.
Let them deal with that mistake.
They made the mistake, let them learn how to suffer the consequences of that mistake.
So say, no, I'm sorry, I can't.
So tomorrow, just make sure that you remember, allow them to go through that.
Make them have the conversation with the teacher.
I'm sorry. I forgot my math homework at home today.
Teach them that lesson in that moment.
Don't just fix all their mistakes for them all the time.
That could be a lesson for me to learn.
Hey, I have a question though, because, um, here in China, yes, we're known for a country that produces tiger moms, wolf dads, and for the younger generation of parents, actually there's this counter movement.
I know parents, uh, born in the 1980s or even the 1990s and they're like, we want to rebel against what we hated as children.
And then you get free range parenting too.
And, um, I know there are parents out there who kind of hold a baseline as Fei Fei said, as long as my kid is not like left behind, so to speak, and I want to give them the freedom.
I want to sort of let them find their way.
Yeah. And also part of this parenting concept is to establish rules in the house.
For example, when I was growing up, I was not allowed to wear a hat in the house.
Well, it was just part of dad's.
He thought it was a, he thought it was a good rule for in the home.
No house, no hat in the house and definitely no hat at the dinner table.
That was like 100 ,000 % no, but they say establishing rules like that, children need rules and establishing rules like that for your kids, um, is part of the guidance package of being a lighthouse parent too.
It's not saying let your kid walk home alone in a, in a dangerous neighborhood at night, giving them total ultra freedom.
You still have to establish rules and let them know where they stand within the family, but also allowing them to make mistakes here and there when it's safe to do so.
Yeah. I'm sorry to say, but becoming a parent sounds like a full -time job.
It is, it is. 24 -7.
I think that's pretty well established.
That's not breaking news.
Well, the thing is, you know, not that many, uh, households can afford that, but let me just go on a little bit longer on what you just said there, Steve.
Um, I think it's so important to establish that there is this thing in parenting called, um, establishing rules.
Because in China, I think as a counter reaction to maybe their own upbringing and the parent rental style that this younger generation of Chinese people have endured, some people who go for the free range parenting, I think they get a little bit confused with, you know, how much freedom you're allowing
your, your kid, especially when we're talking about kids, you know, when they don't know better, as opposed to, you know, I'm teaching you the rules of behaving.
A couple of examples of freedom, I think, would be allowing them to wear the clothes that they want to wear.
Now that might not seem like that big a deal, but you're allowing them to express themselves, which is another major concept of this parenting style, and also support, pardon me, support their decisions.
Fei -Fei, you said your daughter doesn't really have an interest yet in second or third language study.
She's into ballet. Now a mistake, according to this parental theory, would be to say, no, I want, I don't want you to do that.
I want you to go to an English, you know, Institute or whatever, um, to learn a future.
You're thinking about her future, but to her, you would be belittling her choice and you would be sending the message to her, what you want is a waste of time.
And according to this parental theory, lighthouse parenting, if she wants to do ballet, let her do ballet.
And then later she might not like it.
She might not like it in a month or two months or a year's time, but allow your child to make that decision and support their decisions as they go along.
Yes. But I do also want to sort of note that parents still need a kind of authority over their child because, you know, when they're growing up a little older, kids can be really manipulative in no way.
Tell me more about that.
They know that, so if you are giving them too much freedom, you don't know what they can turn out to be.
So sometimes you still, as Steve said, you need the rules.
You need to tell them now, here is where I draw the line.
You cannot cross that line.
Steve, I understand what you're saying, but you're forgetting children are little monsters.
They are. They really are sometimes.
It's really interesting because kids are smart, even little babies are, you know, sometimes they behave differently in front of grandpa and grandma as opposed to parents because they know how to get to you.
But also not all children respond well to this approach of lighthouse parenting because, you know, some might require more direct supervision just because of their personality or something like that or in guidance than lighthouse parenting allows, making it essential for parents to adapt their style
based on each child's unique temperament and developmental stage, in my opinion.
And Fei -Fei, you probably know this really well because no two kids turn out the same, even if they're of the same biological parents, right?
Yeah, they're completely different.
And I know that the way I'm going to communicate with my daughter will essentially be different when I'm communicating with my son.
Yeah, that's got to be a huge challenge because you as a parent probably think, well, they're both my kids.
They both live here together with me.
I can probably treat them both exactly the same.
Can't at all, right?
Yeah, they're two different independent people.
And yeah, I have to figure out two different ways.
That's tough too because then if you treat one child differently than the other child, well, child number one is going to see that and then they're going to say, hey, wait a minute.
Why are you doing that with him?
With me? Oh, I heard that all the time.
My sisters complained all the time.
Why are you letting Steve do this?
When Stacey and I, my two sisters, when we couldn't get away with anything at all.
And my parents said, well, we learned our mistakes with you and he's benefiting from our learning experience.
That's a smart response, but it is common, apparently, that you raise your first child according to textbook and you're like, oh, don't break kid, baby, I love you.
And with the second kid, it's like maybe parents have a little bit more experience and then they go free range a little bit more.
Yeah. Like go a little bit.
Yes. And no matter how well researched and well intentioned you may be as parents, it's important to remember that kids, children are individuals with their own unique paths.
And after all, doing your best is what truly matters in this beautiful, messy process of raising a child.
And we will talk about live photos on a different show and we wish you a beautiful day.
See you next time.
