Welcome to the overwhelmed brain podcast, helping you navigate the difficulties in your life and relationships.
These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and welcome.
Thanks for joining me today.
Looking forward to talking about this.
I get a lot of questions to this show and there are a few core questions that come in.
I'm going to read you and just kind of answer them off the cuff and you'll see what I mean in a second.
Like, how do I know when to stay and when to go?
I get that question a lot, typically in relationships, but also in a job or place that you live.
How do you know when to stay and when to go?
Well, I like to try these questions on myself.
If this were about my relationship, I would know it's time to go after I had at least I don't know five or ten conversations.
And those conversations would be very deep, very hard.
And those conversations would occur...
After a lot of reflection about what I want for myself, like what are my values in a relationship and are those values being met?
What are my boundaries in a relationship and are those boundaries being violated?
And so that question of when do I know to stay or go doesn't really occur until I've figured that out in myself.
So I'm not going to ask myself, okay, is it time to go?
Or should I stay?
Until I know the answers to those questions.
What are my values?
What are my boundaries?
And are my values being met and are my boundaries being violated?
Because if they are, that's the first conversation I want to have.
Hey, look, when you do this, it hurts my feelings.
That might be something I tell my wife.
If we were having issues, I would ask her something like that, or tell her something that lets her know that this is what's happening.
The mistake some people made is, can't they see that I'm hurt?
Can't they see that I'm offended or that I feel bad when they do or say that?
Can't they see that?
And I'll give them time to see that.
That's the next part of that.
I'll give them time to figure that out on their own.
Some people need to be told.
And so that would be my first conversation with my wife.
Hey, look, when you do that, it really hurts my feelings.
Something like that.
You know, if that's what we're talking about.
Or if she's really violating my boundaries and she's not meeting my values.
In a relationship, for example, I value honesty and I caught her in a lie.
That'd be a big problem.
You know, depending on the lie, a surprise birthday party, no big deal.
But a real lie, something that she hid knowing that it would upset me, but she wanted to get away with it anyway.
That needs to be discussed, because that's a real violation of my values.
And I don't want to be with somebody who can lie to me and be okay with it.
So that's a real conversation.
That's a real hard conversation.
Because if you've been married for a long time or you've been together for a while, it's hard to have the conversation that sounds like it's going to end the relationship.
But those are the exact kind of conversations you need to have.
Otherwise, what do you do if those things are occurring and you don't address them and they don't change?
What do you do then?
You just become resentful.
You become hurt or you are hurt and you become hateful sometimes.
And we don't want it to go that far.
We want to have the conversation first.
Now some people might do hurtful things on purpose and some people don't know they're doing it and some people need to be told.
My wife will tell me.
When we talk about something, she will tell me, why aren't you doing this?
Or I am upset that you don't do this.
And then I realize, oh, crap, I need to do that.
You're right.
It slipped my mind or I didn't even know I was supposed to be doing that because I wasn't thinking.
It can happen.
And we have to have that conversation.
Otherwise, resentment builds, hurt increases, and sometimes hate starts.
And we don't want that to happen or a severe dislike if you don't like that word.
But it can happen and we don't want it to.
We don't want it to build to that point.
So I like to have the hard conversations.
The way I look at a hard conversation is that it's truthful at the risk of losing the relationship.
That is a hard conversation, but that's one of the first we should have with our partners or our family or whoever, because otherwise this stuff builds and builds and again resentment, and you don't want to get there.
And some people are already there.
Some people are way past it, but the conversation needs to be had, otherwise you don't resolve anything, and if they're not going to change or you don't know what's going on, it's time to figure it out.
So that's how i see that question how do i know when it's time to go, or should i stay, or whatever?
Look at your values are they being met?
Look at your boundaries are they being violated?
And have you had these conversations?
And if you've had these conversations and nothing changes or they're always pointing the finger back at you as the problem and they're still causing problems, then you know the answer.
Because if you tell somebody that it hurts or it doesn't feel good, it feels disrespectful.
If you tell them all these things and they don't change, then you know your answer.
It's not going to change.
That's how they feel.
That's how they see what's going on.
That's how they perceive it.
They believe that everything is fine the way it is and you need to change yourself.
And if you can't get on board with that, that's your final answer.
Like the game show, that is your final answer.
What else do you need?
Now that's how I think.
I'm not saying that you should think this way.
But I like to get to the resolution as soon as possible.
And that resolution is let's get to the truth.
Let's get to the root.
And the root requires a hard conversation.
Now, I mentioned this can also apply to where you live or a job.
If you're not sure if you should stay or go, it's the same thing.
Are my values being met and are my boundaries being violated?
And I think with a job, just like a relationship, the general question, am I happy?
Am I happy here?
Am I happy with this person?
Am I happy in the place I live, at the place I work?
Happiness usually comes automatically when your values are met.
And you're usually more happy when your personal boundaries aren't being violated.
So happiness isn't necessarily part of the question, because happiness usually comes when your values are being met.
And if your values are being met, there's no need to pursue happiness because it's kind of inherent.
That's how I see it.
Doesn't mean you couldn't be happier.
You might be happier working somewhere else, being with somebody else, being somewhere else.
And there are other things that can make you happy.
But I believe once you get those basics down, then you have a clearer mind.
You can think more clearly about what you want in your life and what more you want in your life.
And I think that's the best place to be when your values are met and your boundaries aren't violated.
Then you have a clear thought process.
And then you can come to easier conclusions and answer questions to yourself a lot easier.
Like, okay, everything else seems fine, but I really just don't like it here.
That could be the answer.
I just don't like it here.
And then you might come up with some reasons.
And if you can't think of any reasons, you can ask yourself the question what would have to change in order for me to like it?
That's something you can ask yourself.
So, if you don't know why you don't like something or someone or someplace, what would have to change in order for you to be okay with it and like it and even love it?
Then come up with the answer, because the answer might tell you something that is going to reveal what's missing in your life.
Let's go to the next question.
Am I being too sensitive to Or is this actually happening?
I get this a lot in my other podcast, Love and Abuse, over at loveandabuse.com.
And that is all about emotionally abusive relationships.
How to deal with manipulative and controlling people and situations.
And the question comes up a lot, am I being too sensitive?
Or is this actually happening?
Is it me misperceiving?
Is it me taking it wrong?
Is it me taking it too personally?
My go-to thought process with this is when somebody says you're too sensitive and they keep doing things that make you feel bad and they keep saying well, you're just too sensitive or you're taking it personally.
If that happens, I mean, I can understand it happens once in a while.
But if it happens over and over again And they're trying to make you the problem instead of them being the problem of being overly critical or whatever they're doing,
My thought process around that is somebody is being insensitive to your sensitivities.
You may be sensitive to someone belittling you and putting you down and being awful toward you.
But most of us do.
It seems like a normal thing to have.
We're kind of sensitive when people put us down.
Because most of us are trying to do good.
Most of us are trying to be supportive and helpful and kind and caring to other people.
So if somebody is putting us down or being critical toward us, some of us are going to feel it.
Some of us are going to be affected by it.
Does that make us too sensitive?
I've had to learn.
I've done this show a good 13 years now and I've had to learn to take criticism very lightly, because some people can be awful.
Because some people will hear something that I say not like it, and usually it's someone who gets triggered by something.
Like I'm trying to help somebody in an abusive relationship and their partner reaches out to me and tells me to mind my own business.
So they will say awful things about my show and awful things about me and how I'm not qualified and how I'm not this and how I am an abuser of myself.
They will say all these things.
That my old self would have been very sensitive to and has been very sensitive to.
And my new self after all this time realizes that hey, people have triggers and I'm going to upset people and I can't please everyone.
And that has been my go-to.
My go-to is I can't please everyone.
I don't have the time or energy to please everyone.
I try.
I am that kind of person that wants to meet you where you are and try to understand where you are and what you're going through.
But I might say something that is really upsetting to you.
If you've never heard my show before, you've never heard me talk, or I bring up a subject that I've talked about in detail before and I only mention it in passing now.
Somebody might write to me, and or you, maybe you.
You might write to me and say I can't believe you just glossed over that detail.
Even though I had an hour long show on it at another time, because I can't get into every detail of every little thing I talk about every single time.
So people don't get the full context and they don't know me well.
So they're going to get offended.
This is what happens in real life.
You might say something or do something that offends someone and they're awful to you.
And maybe they're that type of person, or maybe they just heard something out of context or don't know you well enough.
You're not going to please everyone.
You will not ever be able to please everyone.
You can't do it.
It's impossible.
And even when you have the best of intentions and you do everything right, someone's going to be offended.
Someone's going to be upset about what you said or did or didn't say or didn't do.
I've even been told by my own wife, why didn't you say that?
And I just, I think, why didn't I say, I didn't even think about saying that.
Well, you should have said that.
I guess you're right.
I don't know how to handle that.
I should have said that.
You're right.
But I wasn't thinking like that at the time because I don't know all the stuff that I should have said.
I don't know everything that I should have said, because I don't have everything in my brain at the same time.
So it didn't happen.
So I'll get in trouble.
But I have learned that's sometimes how conversations go.
Some people will just be upset, no matter what you do or don't do, and you just have to learn that you will not be able to please everyone and be okay with it.
You can't please everyone, so I'm sorry to say that.
I'm sorry to say that you can't do that.
Now, the question is, am I being too sensitive or is this actually happening?
I think if you tell someone...
Hey, look, I do have sensitivities.
Will you be okay not trying to trigger those sensitivities?
That might be a conversation that you have.
Let's just say I am sensitive when you call me an idiot.
Let's just say that that does affect me and I do take it personally.
Will you please stop doing that?
I think that in most cases is the approach.
Will you please stop doing that?
Because yes, I am sensitive to that.
It hurts my feelings.
And now that you know that it hurts my feelings, will you please stop doing that?
That's a very valid, reasonable request.
And then there are people that really are sensitive, highly sensitive people, HSPs.
There are those that they are affected by everything.
I remember playing pinball with my friend John.
And every time this loud noise came on the pinball machine, he got really shaken up.
And it was kind of funny watching him because it would go bang or ding or whatever it did.
And he'd just go, oh.
And I thought, wow, John, you're just very sensitive to that.
And I'm not making fun of him, but that's kind of how I thought of it.
Like, oh, he is very sensitive to that.
Now, do I say, wow, John, why do you take that so personally?
No.
I realized, and he told me this later, he is sensitive to loud noises.
And because he's my friend, I did my best not to make loud noises around him.
It was easy because I knew he was sensitive to it.
And that's what a friend does.
Now, if he can't function in life, if this fear of loud noises or this sensitivity to loud noises is affecting him where he doesn't even want to leave the house, he may want to talk to somebody about that if he wants to.
That's how I see that is you might have a sensitivity and you may or may not want to work on it.
And maybe you don't have to because maybe people are just being insensitive to your sensitivities.
And that's how I see this whole thing.
Let's go to the next question.
Can I actually change them or am I wasting my time?
Most of these questions are about relationships with people.
Can I actually change them?
Why are you trying to change them?
I hope that if you've been listening to this show a while, you know that trying to change someone is not the best way to approach any type of relationship, because I'm all about accepting them as they are.
And then changing yourself if you want to be with someone you can't accept.
That's how I see this.
So I don't even think this should be a question.
Can I actually change them?
I want to change them.
Or am I just wasting my time?
My answer is yes, it's a waste of time.
And this is mainly about somebody who treats you in a way that you don't like or is harmful to you.
There are situations where somebody is addicted or they're sick or on the ledge and you want to pull them back.
You might have to treat that a little differently.
But this question really centers on wanting to change someone to really benefit you and them, of course.
But you want them to show up differently in your life.
And mainly we try to change people for the better, like we want that person to change for the better, and if they just showed up in this better way, we'd all be happy.
And unfortunately, emotionally abusive behavior is also very similar to this formula, when the emotionally abusive person says i want to change my partner, for example, And if they change, we'd both be happy.
So I'm going to try to control or manipulate or guilt them into doing something I want them to do, or influence them in some way.
What they're doing is a manipulation.
And when they manipulate, it is emotionally abusive.
Even though they may believe that changing them for the better is the way to go, even though for the better means by their own standards.
So the person who's trying to change the other person has standards and says to themselves, if I change them to meet my standards, we'll all be happy.
And that is very close, if not crossing the line of emotionally abusive behavior.
So changing someone should not be a goal.
It should be and I've talked about this a lot actually on this show and my other one it should be accepting them exactly as they are and choosing to be with someone as they are, or accepting that they'll never be anyone other than they are, and then making a choice for yourself.
That means if my wife started doing something that really offended me, and of course we'd talk about it like why are you doing this?
And that really hurts my feelings when you do that.
Or I hate to see you doing this.
You know, we'd have a conversation about it.
But if she insisted and said no, this is what I want to do, then it comes back to me, because I'm not here to try to change her.
I'm here to show up in the best way possible and support her the way she wants to be.
And maybe that's not a popular opinion because some people will say, well, what if they're this?
What if they're that?
I get that.
But there's a point where you have to accept an adult's decisions the ones they make for themselves.
And when you have two adults in any type of relationship and one adult says no, this is the way I am and this is what I want to do, then the onus of responsibility of change comes back to you.
And that might mean changing to adapt and accept them, or changing in a way that you have to change your relationship with them.
You might have to change a relationship with somebody who refuses to change.
That's why the responsibility of change comes back to you when you accept that the other person won't.
And can you change them or are you wasting your time?
I believe it's almost always a waste of time to try to change anyone because it's not something they asked for or they want.
Now, if they want it, if they say, hey, will you help me change?
Totally different story.
Of course, I'm on board.
Let's go.
But if they aren't looking to change, then trying to change them will feel forced.
And of course it will be forced and they will get resentful.
And even if they do make a change, because they didn't come to that change themselves, they will see you as a problem and they will resist it.
Again, there are exceptions, but this is what happens in most cases.
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Let's go to the next question.
The next question is, why do I keep attracting the same type of person?
There are all kinds of answers to this.
Actually, a lot of it has to do with attachment styles and things like that.
But the way I look at it, if I were to zoom out and ask myself why do I keep attracting this same type of person?
And why am I attracted to this type of person?
I think I would ask myself, what am I missing in my life that I didn't get enough of in childhood?
Now, that doesn't answer most questions about attraction and things like that.
But if you keep attracting the same type of person like they always have a mean streak or they're always quick to anger or something like that we tend to gravitate toward people that bring us comfort and make us feel good.
But when we start to see the dysfunctions or the toxic behaviors or even just incompatibilities from person to person to person, when we see that common thread, I like to look at what am I missing in my life that I didn't get in childhood?
This doesn't answer every question.
This isn't always 100%.
But that's the first place I go.
What am I missing in my life?
Well, you know, my mom...
Never really gave me a lot of hugs.
She loved me.
She did a great job for what it was because we had an abusive stepfather.
She had an abusive husband.
And so everything that she did, she did the best she could.
But I'm a more clingy person now. because I didn't get clung.
I didn't get hugged when I was younger.
This may or may not be 100 the reason I'm a clingy person, But I did feel a fear of abandonment for most of my life, or at least up until my 30s.
I had that fear driving my dysfunctions and also leading me to partners who were very loving and very caring, which sounds like a good thing.
But put my need for validation aside, and wanting to be around them all the time, add that to the relationship.
And now we have a formula for dysfunction.
And that's who I was.
I was very clingy, possessive, jealous for many years of my life in two major relationships.
And because of that, it ruined those relationships.
So in my case, I was the dysfunctional one walking into a relationship with a more healthy partner.
They had stuff to deal with too.
But me being that dysfunction, me being the person that they kept attracting, Is the way i'm looking at this.
But in most cases, people that listen to the show are attracting either Somebody I used to be or somebody else over and over again, And I like to look at that as if you are doing that.
If you are the person attracting these people.
What are you missing from childhood that you wish you had when you were young, or you wish you had more of when you were young?
And that can lead to some discovery.
Sometimes you discover that, oh, that's why I'm this way.
Because my dad never said he loved me and he told me never to cry.
And so that made me really tough.
And I was always tough.
And then that's why I ended up with partners who were emotionally disconnected.
And that could be why I keep attracting them into my life.
So maybe write down a few of the things that you wish were different about childhood.
And this doesn't mean that you had an abusive past or a traumatic past.
You might have.
You might have had a traumatic childhood.
But sometimes people go through childhood normally and they wonder why they keep attracting the wrong partners.
And they don't make a connection that really is there.
Like maybe your mom and dad were too loving and you were so happy that you got all that love and affection and praise.
And so that kind of led to what you are getting in your relationships today, which I'm not going to analyze right now, but I know there's something there.
So you might find something that, even though there was no trauma or abuse in your past, there might be some connection there that people get into relationships with other people who fulfill a stronger desire or urge or need in ourselves.
So if I'm highly desirous of somebody who is constantly loving on me and doting on me, it might be because I didn't get enough of that in childhood.
And can the opposite be true?
I was always doted on and loved as a child and I might be looking for that now and that's who I get.
But then it becomes overwhelming and it's too much.
And maybe they're a people pleaser and they're constantly around and they're constantly asking me what I want and maybe it would bother me.
So...
These are the things that if I find those common threads in my relationships then I can probably tie it to something in my childhood.
Not always.
It doesn't mean that this is 100%, but that is the first place I go.
And this is the end of that question.
Let me go to the next one.
This one is, is it possible to heal from a past I can't change?
It's a good segue into this question.
The answer is 100% yes.
This is a deep topic, but I have talked about it in other episodes.
But the reason I say yes I mean yeah, there are some traumatic and abusive events that have occurred that may never leave your mind.
Like when you think about it, it's awful.
Maybe you have PTSD about it.
But is it possible to heal from a past you can't change?
It's always yes.
Always.
And if you're listening now and you're saying but I've tried, I've been to therapy, I've done this, I've done that.
And no matter what, I'm still in pain about it.
It doesn't mean it's not healable.
And I'm not trying to make you feel bad for not being able to heal it.
Sometimes we just haven't found the right person or the right resource or...
There's something that's just missing.
There's a missing piece that we haven't gotten yet.
And so I know there are people listening now saying, no, this is not something I can heal.
The past happened.
It's awful.
I still suffer from it.
So Paul, you can't say this to me and you don't know my pain.
And I am here to say that you're right.
I don't.
I don't know your pain.
I don't know your suffering.
Only you do.
And you are experiencing it like no one else.
Because only you know what you experience.
And it's real.
It is absolutely real when it happens and you feel it.
But I'm here to say there is always a way to heal.
It doesn't change the past.
But you can heal because what you experienced was the peak of the pain or the trauma or the abuse.
It happened.
It was real.
And when you think about it, you aren't experiencing that peak anymore.
Otherwise, you'd never be able to function.
But you are experiencing something.
So it's very real for a lot of people listening right now.
It is very real what hasn't healed yet.
And there are many, many approaches and many, many resources many, many people out there that can help.
But sometimes we just haven't found the right person, the right resources.
And that's why it's important to never, ever give up.
Never.
If you have something to heal, the best way forward is to continue trying to work on it.
And This is a tricky area and I know that some people listening are probably upset about that.
They're going to tell me I've tried everything and you don't know.
You don't know what it's like.
And you're right.
Again, you're right.
But at the same time, I don't want you to give up and I don't want you to have to live with that.
That's my whole point.
You shouldn't have to live with something that you haven't been able to heal or it hasn't been able to heal in you, because I'm not going to blame you for not healing it, because sometimes you don't know how to do it.
And sometimes you don't believe it's possible.
And some atrocities are just so awful that you just can't get out of your mind.
And you know I can give you the personal development textbook advice, which is try to see the positive of it.
How did it change your life for the better?
But that can be a lot of BS to a lot of people.
A lot.
It's a good reframe.
And I believe in it.
And I do it myself.
But not everyone wants to hear that.
Not everyone wants to be led down the road of what good came from that.
But it is good.
It is good if you can do it.
But if you're not there, you're not there.
And if it's awful, it's awful.
And you know, I think one of the things that I like to teach is try not to resist what's coming up, because resistance amplifies what you're feeling and then it persists.
What you resist amplifies and persists.
So when it comes to past pain, past trauma, trying to resist it, trying not to think about it, usually amplifies it and allows it to come back over and over again.
What does that mean?
That means we're heading into a territory which I can't necessarily guide you, because in order to do that, for example, i would want to feel the pain fully.
I would want to be somewhere alone and just allow all the pain to come up, instead of trying to push it down.
I can't tell you to do that because maybe you'd have a breakdown.
Maybe you'd do something that would be harmful to yourself and I don't want that.
So professional intervention might be required, which is why I can't necessarily lead you through it right now.
If it were me, that's what I would do.
If something awful and traumatic happened, I would allow that pain to come up and have all these thoughts and emotions that are connected to it rise up in me and experience the peak.
I was talking about the peak before.
Experience the peak of how bad it really is inside of me and what I've been holding on to all this time.
It doesn't mean it goes away.
It just means I'm not resisting it anymore, but I find a safe place to do it.
I'm not telling you to do this.
I'm saying if it were me, that's what I would do.
Because what we end up doing a lot is holding back, holding back.
I don't want to feel it.
I don't want to think about it.
And if I think about it, I'm going to lose my mind or I'm going to have this emotional death.
It's going to feel like death.
It's going to feel painful.
And when we hold all that pain back, we keep carrying it with us.
And that's tough.
And not everyone can do that alone.
That's why it's something I can't guide you through, because sometimes you need somebody right there to hold your hand every step of the way, so that you aren't left in some negative state where you don't feel very good now and you're stuck there.
I don't want you to be stuck there.
And of course, I'm talking from a place of having done a lot of healing for myself, on myself and having learned a lot, having a lot of resources at my disposal because of all my training and things like that.
But quite honestly, none of my training really applies when I'm going through my stuff.
When we're going through our stuff, it's hard to reach into our bag of resources and go okay, now I'll try this.
I'll breathe for 10 seconds and see how that feels.
When we're going through our stuff, it is visceral.
It is real.
It is happening.
And we're not usually in that logical state of let's do this technique.
I mean, sometimes I try that and it's sometimes it does work, but when we're really deep in it I prefer to just let it rise up.
It's just like anxiety.
I always let anxiety come to a peak.
I let it hit that peak and explode.
Like, oh no, I'm anxious about this thing.
What's the worst thing that could happen?
That's one of my favorite questions.
What's the worst thing that could possibly happen?
And then I allow that worst thing to appear in my mind and I experience it.
And then I go one step further and ask myself okay, now that I've experienced it, because it was awful and I hated it, what's worse than that?
And boy, does that bring it over the edge.
That pushes me to the point where, oh, that's just so awful.
I don't want that to happen.
And then when I go down that path, I then come back to the question.
Okay, you remember that first thing.
That was pretty bad.
How are you with it now?
Because I said, okay, what's the worst thing that could happen?
And then I took it further and said, what's worse than that?
And now I come back to the worst thing that could happen, the original one.
And I ask myself well, If that worse than that thing doesn't happen, are you okay, at least at this point, or at least are you somewhat okay with this quote?
Worst thing that could happen
That pushes me beyond the peak, beyond the threshold of my resilience and my tolerance, because I don't really allow myself to go there.
Most of us don't allow ourselves to get to that point where it gets worse.
And we think about it being so much worse.
But what it ends up doing, at least for me, is um taking the worst that I've ever thought about and how bad it got, and decreases its impact on me because I made it even worse in my mind.
Not advice, but it is informational and educational and I recommend a professional to walk you through it.
That's all I'm going to say.
There's my disclaimer.
I want to get to the last question that I have time for today.
And that is something that I don't get asked often.
But when I do, I do have an answer that works for me.
I hope it works for you.
It may not.
You may call it cheap.
You may say that's ridiculous.
But it works for me because I've been in this dilemma, this psychological dilemma.
And the question is, how do I find my purpose?
Life feels empty and I feel like I have no purpose.
How do I find it?
What is my purpose?
My answer to that, I actually have an article on that.
I think the overwhelmed brain.com.
I think you could, if you type in purpose in the search field, you might find it.
I haven't double checked that.
So forgive me if it's not there, but I do believe I wrote an article or had an episode on that.
So you can check that over there.
But my, in a nutshell answer is, for my purpose.
What is my purpose?
And I will say this that purpose changes, at least it has in my life.
But my purpose has always been, and still is, to find my purpose.
That is, I know it's cheap.
It's an easy way out, but it has compelled me That, when I feel like there's not much more for life to offer which fortunately doesn't happen too often, but if it does, or if it has happened in the past, but if I ever get close to that point and I wonder well, what's the purpose of all this?
Why am I here?
I remind myself, I'm here to continue searching for purpose.
My purpose is to find my purpose.
The journey is the purpose.
And again, not everyone's going to like that.
But for me, it has helped me to understand that this is the way I look at it.
If you find your purpose, when you find it, what is beyond that?
That's one way I look at it.
Let's just say that, oh, I found my purpose.
I just found it today.
Here it is.
Here's my purpose.
Now, is there work to do?
Because if there's work to do and you feel like you have purpose, then you're still on the journey.
You're still doing what you can to fulfill your purpose, which takes me into the lifelong pursuit of purpose.
Because if my purpose appeared and now I'm fulfilling that purpose, then the journey to that purpose was part of it.
And so...
Some people may like that.
Some people may not.
But that is something that has kept me going.
It's sort of like when I look up at the stars and I realize just how far they are.
Like the next star is like what?
Four light years, it's just.
It's so far away that we'll never reach it in our lifetime.
We'll never reach another planet outside of our solar system in our lifetime, unless cryogenics happens and suddenly we're woken up millions of years later in a spaceship.
But I look at the universe outside the earth and I realize I can't even comprehend it.
It's so crazy to think about how vast and infinitely expansive this universe is.
And it used to give me anxiety.
It used to make me feel purposeless.
I used to look out there and feel no purpose if I'm just this small speck in this massive universe.
I felt like nothing.
I felt like I'll never know enough.
I felt like that there's so much more to learn that I'll never learn it.
And it made me feel small.
And I had to come to the conclusion that I'll never ever know all there is to know.
And that's okay.
I had to come to that conclusion.
Very philosophical and spiritual for me.
I'll never ever know all there is to know and that's okay.
I had to solidify that in my psyche so that I stopped with the anxious thoughts of well, when did it all begin?
Was it created?
Was it a big bang?
And if it was, what was before that?
Because everything has a beginning.
But if it doesn't have a beginning, how am i going to wrap my head around that?
On and on and on, and uh, I decided that it was very important for my sanity to say I will never, ever know all there is, and that's okay.
And then I let it go.
And what does that have to do with purpose?
It's the same feeling.
It's like I'm asking myself, what's my purpose?
And then something comes along and I ask myself, well, is that my purpose?
Am I supposed to be doing this?
I don't know.
And then I look for the next purpose.
Is that my purpose?
I will never ever know what my true purpose is.
Try that one on.
I'll never ever know what my true purpose is.
And that's okay because I'm always going to be in pursuit of it.
Now, this may or may not work for you.
It works for me.
Maybe you have your purpose.
Maybe you feel purposeful.
Maybe your purpose is a higher power.
Maybe your purpose is your kids.
Maybe your purpose is something else.
But when you don't feel that, when you don't have an inkling of an idea what your purpose is, I like to look at it as you are on the path already.
And as things come up, as the obstacles come up and the helpers come up, Everything that comes up in your life is a part of your purpose and every part of your life has purpose and a reason and it leads to the next part of your life and the next obstacle in your life, and the next helper or win, and then the next fail, and then everything.
All these little things add up and make up the totality of your life where you may not look back and think oh, everything was great.
You may look back and think I had so many hardships, but I'm still in my purpose because I'm still here.
I am still here.
That gives me purpose.
I have been known to feel ungrateful for existence.
I have been known to feel that.
And then when I remind myself, holy crap, I am here, and what are the chances that I'm here?
What are the chances that I get to experience what this is?
Whatever, this is for the number of years that I exist.
That is amazing and I never want to take advantage of that.
And that also is part of my purpose.
It's a tough question.
I'm not saying I'm answering it for everyone, but...
I wanted to share with you how I define and experience purpose every day.
And if my wife leaves me tomorrow or somebody I love dies and suddenly I feel like I have no purpose again?
I'll try to remind myself, after a lot of grieving, that the journey is not over and I'm going to keep moving forward.
I'm going to keep my momentum because I can't let anything deter me from the pursuit of my purpose, from the journey in my purpose.
That doesn't mean I suddenly feel better.
It just means there are opportunities that show up all the time, and I just have to see the value in each and every one.
This is a big, big topic, and I probably shouldn't have ended the show on this, but Because I would have to dive into this deep in order to go where I want to go with it.
But it's a good topic.
All right.
Thanks for joining me today for another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to thank the patrons of the week, Maria and Heather.
Thank you so much for your support of the show.
I am very grateful for you being in the patron program and showing me that you value the show so much that you're willing to send me cash.
I'm serious.
I am very, very grateful.
You always warm my heart.
Thank you to all patrons that give or donate.
I appreciate you all.
And if you value the show and you want to give back, head over to moretobcom and there are options to do that over there.
And for a show on how to navigate difficult relationships.
You heard me say it earlier.
My other podcast, called Love and Abuse over at loveandabusecom, is all about that and a very popular show amongst people in very difficult relationships.
And if you know you're the difficult person in the relationship, Join my program.
It's called Healed Being, and I'm helping a lot of people heal and even improve their relationships, and sometimes even saving ones on the brink of disaster.
Head over there to healedbeing.com if you realize that you need to work on that in yourself.
And I said it last week, a rainbow tab.com is a Chrome extension that I created.
Really really weird place to tell you about this, but I'm just letting you know because I made it, because my browser was giving me an overwhelmed brain and I wanted to make it easier.
Now you can actually color your browser tabs and you can see them on the right side and you can choose your browser tabs instantly by color.
That's over at rainbowtab.com.
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
Be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.
