Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.
First of all, thank you so much for being here with me.
And I also want to acknowledge you for taking the time to listen to something that could help
you improve your life. I just think that's really cool that you're spending time on yourself.
So what are you and I going to talk about today? Well, there is this one sentence that I said a
couple months ago, it was like a lightning rod. And I got to tell you something over the course
of recording 170 episodes of the Mel Robbins podcast. This one sentence has created more writings,
more comments than anything else that I have said in the history of the Mel Robbins podcast.
And just to put that in context, I'm talking about hundreds of hours of podcast episodes.
And the singular sentence that just struck a chord. And so I just want you to stop and think
before I tell you what it is. What do you think the topic even is? Like what is it that I could have
been talking about that had so many people from around the world right in? Well, I'm going to tell
you. Here's what I said. This year, I'm trying to be more intentional about spending time with our
son, Oakley, before I become an empty nester. Holy smokes, it was like a rallying cry from around
the world. And I understand why? Because like me, you are realizing that time is slipping through
your hands. And you don't spend enough quality time with the people that you love. And unfortunately
in life, do you know when you realize that? You realize it only after the time has passed. And you
don't have the chance to anymore. And see, I'm at a moment in my life where it is so clear to me
that I am never going to have this much time and this much access to our son, Oakley, as I do
in the next three months. And I am not going to waste it. And that's what you and I are going to talk
about today. And this conversation, by the way, is relevant. Whether you're about to be an empty
nester, just like me and my husband, Chris, or whether you're a lot younger, but you don't see
your parents or your siblings much anymore, or maybe you're moving away to a new city away from
your friends or you're going through a breakup and everything is changing about your life.
But what isn't changing is the fact that time is slipping through your hands. And the research
about how much time that you have with the people that you love is downright terrifying.
Let me just share some of this with you. By the time your kids are 12, according to the research,
you'll have spent 75% of the time that you have with them. And by the time your kids turn 18,
you will have spent 90% of the time that you have with them during your life. And you know what that
means when you're younger? It means that when you move out of your house, you know, and you head off
to college or you head off to the military and you start your life when you're 18 years old,
you will have spent 90% of the time that you have with your parents gone. I don't want you to make
the mistake of letting the precious time that you have left slip through your hands. You have
to be more intentional about the people that you love. And that's what you and I are going to talk
about today. And I'm going to share the seven things that I want you to think about and do
that will help you make the most of the time that you have.
Hey, it's Mal. I'm so glad that you're here with me today. And I just told you about the singular
sentence that I said a couple months ago on a podcast episode and you have written in about this
sentence about this idea more than any single thing in the history of the Mel Robbins podcast.
And here was what I said. I said, I am trying to be more intentional about spending the time
that I have with my son, Oakley, before I become an empty nester. And it was like, I don't know
what is going on. I don't know if we're all just so freaking busy that we've lost sight of how
fast time is slipping through our fingers. But it's very clear that you feel the same sense of
urgency around time that I do. And I have this story that I want to start a conversation with.
It's a story about an ice cube. A couple years ago, I was sitting with a really good friend of mine,
Dave. And during this time, Oakley had just started off as a freshman in high school. And I was
sitting there reminiscing about, gosh, I just can't believe how fast time goes by, particularly when
you think about in the context of kids growing up, whether you're thinking about your own kids or
you're just thinking about your own life, like how fast you went from zero to graduating from
high school and then graduating from college. And so I'm sitting there talking to my buddy, Dave. And
I was just talking about the fact that, you know, one of our daughters, oh my gosh,
was already graduating from college and another one was out in Los Angeles starting college. And how
Oakley was all ready in high school. Like when did that happen? And how it made me feel so sad
that time was passing so fast. And I didn't know what to do, but I just felt this heaviness about
it. And I'll never forget it because we were sitting there talking about this and Dave has kids too.
And off said, and he kind of took a deep breath. And he turned to me and he said, I understand
exactly how you feel because the time that you have with the people that you love, it's like a
melting ice cube. I'll never forget it. That image is so powerful, isn't it? The image of a melting
ice cube. You know, I don't know why, but when he said it, I had this kind of picture in my mind
of just an ice cube sitting on a countertop in a kitchen. You know, like when you're cleaning up at
night, maybe some ice that was in an ice bucket, you know, sits on a counter. Is it amazing?
How there can be an ice cube on the countertop in your kitchen? Or maybe it drops on the floor.
And you're like, oh, I'll pick that up later. And you walk out of the room. And then hour later,
you walk back in, gone. That's exactly what happens with time. The time that you have with people
that you love is a melting ice cube. And with kids in particular, you know, I referenced this as we
started our conversation today. And this research comes from the American Time Study. And by the
time your kids are 12, the ice cube is 75% melted. Isn't that crazy? By the time they leave for
college, which is where I'm at with our son Oakley, that ice cube is like a little chip floating in
a puddle. And it's true about the time that you have with your parents. According to the American
Time Study, as soon as you leave home, you'll spend less and less time with your parents, and it
will decline for the rest of your life. You only get 10% of it left after you turn 18 and you leave
home. And here's the sad truth. You and I, we can't stop the ice cube from melting.
And this is my mission today. My mission is that our conversation reminds you and me not to just
walk out of the room and expect the ice cube to be there when you come back. Because the
ice cube with our son, it will be a puddle. And the ice cube with your kids or with your parents
or your siblings, it's going to be a puddle. And I'll tell you what, I'll be damned if I'm going
to sit around and watch it melt. I am going to make the moments that I have before he leaves for
school count. And I'm going to do the same thing with my parents. In fact, I need to do that with a
lot of people that I care about. And I want you to do the same thing too. So let's talk about how
you do that. Because we already talked about the fact you and I, we can't stop the melting.
But you can make the most of it. And there are seven things that I have done this year that have
really helped me prioritize the time that I have with Oakley. And I'm going to walk you through
all of these and I'm going to warn you, some of these sound obvious. If these seem obvious good,
it means you know what you need to do. I hope that my conversation and sense of urgency with you
today makes you do it. The first thing that you need to do is you got to say it's a priority.
And that's exactly what I did. I said last year, it is a priority in my life this year to spend
as much time as I can with Oakley. Because I've already missed out on too much.
I must say that again, it is a priority for me to spend as much time as I can with our son Oakley
before he leaves for college because I've already missed out on too much. I know that that ice cube
has melted and I was not there for it. But I'm going to be there now and I want to break down
this statement because this is the first step. It's kind of obvious, but there's two parts. You have
to say this is a priority. You have to do that. And I want you to stop and think right now is your
listening. Who is it for you? I'm serious. Who is the priority for you right now? If you could pick
one person that was your priority this year to make sure that you make the most of the time that
you have with them this year, who is it? Well, I've got two people. Obviously, Oakley is graduating
from high school, but there's another one. My dad is turning 80 in August. And when I think about
my dad being 80 years old, both my grandfather's were dead by this time. Chris's dad died at the age of
69. So for me, this is a real priority. Like, I have this sense that the time is slipping through my
hands and we're not going to get it back. What about you? Who's the person that you want to make a
priority this year? Maybe it's your best friend. You never see them. They moved on. They have a big
job or whatever. And every time you pick up the phone and call me, like, we should get together.
We should get together, but you never make plans. Maybe it's grandparent that time just keeps passing.
And you realize, oh my gosh, I haven't seen my grandmother in three years. I mean, she lives halfway
across the country. And she's in a retirement home or maybe it's your siblings. There's someone
in your life that needs to become a priority. And I want to talk about the second part of that
sentence because the second part of the sentence is just important as the first part where you say,
it is a priority for me to spend more time with this person. The second part of the sentence that
I said is because I've already missed out on too much. This is the recognition of the water and
the puddle that the melting ice cube is sitting in. This is the part of the relationship where
you left the room while the ice cube was on the counter and time passed and you come back and
holy cow, you realize there's a lot that I missed out on. And it's so important for you to let
yourself feel this second piece. What have I missed out on by allowing myself to be too busy?
And I really want you to drop in and feel this because it's important and it's uncomfortable.
And there's a reason why and I want to unpack this a little bit. It's because when you think about
all the things that you missed out on, you're of course going to feel bad. But I want to explain
what that feeling is, that tension, that time that has passed, the things that you missed out on,
like the things that I've missed out on with our son. You know what that is? That's grief that
that you're feeling. And the thing that's beautiful about grief is that grief is just all the
love that you have for a person that you haven't expressed or you didn't get a chance to express.
And it's an expression of love. And I want you to sit with that for just a second.
And really think about what have you missed out on? And it's a powerful motivational force
when you really tap into that. Wow. I'm kind of bummed that this happened because I really
love this person. I feel that way about my parents all the time. They live a 16 hour drive from here.
And I have a lot of grief about how much of my life has gone by without seeing them all the time.
And it's important for you to feel this because it is a motivational force to get you to wake up
and take this seriously. Because I think, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know Mel time's passing. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But we're too cavalier about this. And when I sit in the grief of what
I've missed out on, for me, there's a lot. I mean, boy, particularly with our daughters,
because if I think back, I was the only breadwinner in our household when our daughters were in
middle school and high school. I mean, I was responsible for earning money. And the thing is,
it wasn't just to pay the bills. We were so in debt. I felt this extraordinary amount of pressure
to keep working, not to slow down. I felt like I had zero freedom to say no to anything,
to have any boundaries with work whatsoever. And so I not only left the room, I was gone
while that ice cube was melting because somebody needed to pay the lacrosse fee.
Somebody needed to pay the car payments. Somebody needed to pay for the eighth grade Washington DC field
trip that so many public high school students go on. I miss my daughter's soyers entire
varsity lacrosse season. I miss the majority of our daughter candles, varsity field games. And
there was a time even not so long ago when I was living separately from Oakley and Chris because
they had moved up to southern Vermont. And it was in the middle of the pandemic and I had to stay
in Boston in order to keep the company afloat. So I also missed out on like two and a half years
of living with Oakley and Chris and being part of his day to day high school even though it was
mostly remote. And I bet if you're a working parent or a working grandparent or you're really
busy in your job and you never see your parents, you're probably nodding along, right? If you're
that grandparent who lives really far away from your kids and you don't get to just show up at
the soccer games, you're like, yeah, I feel this, Mel. I feel this deep in my heart. If you're the
parent that has been like just slugging away trying to pay the bills, my God, like it's what are you
going to do? I get it. And you're probably thinking about this and you're also thinking about how
it relates to your parents as they're getting older. And the reason why I want you to think about
these things that you missed out on from a place of grief is so that you tap into the love that you
have for people. I don't want you to feel guilty about what you needed to do because it's not going
to make you want to change if all you're doing is making yourself wrong and besides if you're
making yourself wrong about what you did in the past, is that going to change it? No. But when you
reframe this feeling is grief that it's just the love like that you didn't get to express physically,
it will fuel the motivation that you have to change and to wake up right now and to start to take
this seriously. In fact, research says that grief and regret can be really good when you use it to
motivate yourself to change behavior in the future. So that's the first thing. I want you to
say it out loud. You got to say it's a priority. I want you to have right now the person or the two
people that you're really going to prioritize this year. And then I want you to just sit just for a
minute with that grief. I want you to think about the things that you weren't there for,
the things that maybe you missed out on because you got really busy or you had a ton of stuff that
you needed to do or life just happened. It's okay. But now what are we going to do about it?
Because here's the second tool. I'll tell you what you're going to do about it. You're going to
tell people you cannot keep this a secret buried in your heart. And you know, just for background
like a lot of you, I traveled for work. And when I wasn't on the road for work, I would be on Zoom
calls after dinner or on phone calls on the side of the soccer matches. I've been the one that's
been late to the parent teacher conferences. If I made them at all, I had never been in a position to
be the person that was the sports team parent. I'd never been the home room parent. You know, I
took 95% of my energy in the past and just aimed it all at paying off our debt, paying our mortgage.
And it was that way for a really long time. And I just felt like I didn't have the bandwidth or
the flexibility to do the things that I really wished I would have been able to do. And maybe you don't
either. Maybe you don't either. And I need you to hear that it doesn't make you a bad parent.
The fact is, I didn't feel like a bad parent back then when I was constantly working because I knew
that what I was doing mattered. And I knew that it was a way that I could support my family.
And I just tried hard to work on being there in other ways. But there was something
inside of me just recently when I saw this study, the American time study, and I stopped,
and I truly reflected on this statistic. Holy cow, this is it for me. Like this is it. I meant,
this is my last kid in high school. This is the last year of high school. I'm not missing out
on a chance to be a bigger part of his high school life. And that doesn't mean any drastic changes.
And this is the good news. It's not like I quit my job. It doesn't mean I changed a thousand things.
But I did do a few little things. And it started with first saying, this is a priority,
because I'm not going to miss out on anything more. And the second thing is I got very vocal.
And this is a big change for me. Like I had to tell Chris, I had to tell Oakley, I had to tell
everybody they work with that this is a priority not to miss out on all the things that I've been
missing out on. This is a priority to not be working on the weekends. This is a priority to stop
working certain days at three o'clock to be sure that I can be there. I'm doing the same thing
with my parents. I mentioned earlier that I don't want the time to slip through my hands with my
dad. And you know what's funny about my parents is turns out my parents haven't been waiting for my call.
I have got my call. You know, I'm like, I want to see you guys more. Let's make a plant. They're busy.
They're getting their haircuts and doing majon and playing golf. And I keep saying, we doing
some free or 80th dad. My dad's like, I don't want to surprise. I don't know. I might do some with
the golf guys. It's okay. You know, I don't want to do this. I'm like, okay, okay. You got to tell
the people that are a priority to you that you're going to do something different this year that you're
going to take the lead. And here's one other thing that I need you to do. You know that person that
you had in mind that you're like, okay, I got to make them a priority. Whether it's one of your kids,
whether it's a sibling, whether it's a parent. I want you to share this episode with them. And
just send it to them in a little text. Just, you know, forward them this episode and say, this
really made me think about you. And I want to see you. And I'm going to make it a priority. And
I'm going to call you later. And we're going to make a plan. I love you. Okay. So why don't you do that?
Share that with the person in your life that you want to make the most of the time that you have with.
And we're going to take a quick break. So you can hear a word from our sponsors. And when we
return, I've got five more things that I did that is helping me make the most of the time that I have
with someone that I love. And you're going to love them so don't go anywhere. I'll be waiting for you
after a short break.
Welcome back at your friend Mel. And we're talking about how time with your loved ones is like a
melting ice cube. And I'm sharing the seven things that I'm doing to be more present with
my son Oakley before he graduates from high school this year. And my husband and I are empty
nesters. So I just shared the first thing that I did, which is I actually said, this is a priority
because I have already missed out on too much. And I want you to do that too. This is a priority
because I've already missed out on too much. Second thing I want you to do. Say it out loud and tell
everybody. Okay. Tell everybody. And it's important that you make this declaration that this is a
commitment that you have for yourself this year because you love this person. And so that brings
me to the third thing that I did that I want you to do. Put it in the calendar. You got to mark
the date. And here's what I mean by that because there's a few steps. Okay. You need to mark the
dates in the calendar because if you're just thinking about it, it's not real. Okay. Putting
something in the calendar makes it real. It makes it a priority. So the first thing that I did with
Oakley because even though I told him like, dude, I am going to show up differently this year. I
want to be a big part of your senior year of high school. I don't want to miss out on this time
with you. He's like, mm-hmm. Okay. Yep. All right. Sounds good. He's got a life to live.
This is not his obligation to change. It's mine. And so I printed out the school calendar. And as
soon as I got all the sports calendars, I got the ski season calendar, the ultimate Frisbee calendar.
Here's what I did. I put it in my work calendar. See, typically, I would keep my personal calendar
and my business calendar separate. But if you want to make something a priority or some one, a priority,
put it in the calendar that's actually a priority for you. Because whether you make it to the sports
game or not, the fact that every single game home and away is not in the personal calendar,
it's actually sitting right there in the work calendar. It keeps it front and center.
Just a dumb little change like that. That tiny little tweak of intentionality. Because again,
they're not changing you are. I made it to more sporting events than I had ever made before.
I'm so proud of that. Then I know it sounds kind of lame, but for all my work and parents out there,
and for those of you that have missed out on a lot of time, you know what a big deal this can be.
And something interesting also happened. See, Chris has always been the first call parent in
our household, meaning he's the first number. He's always the contact for the sports teams.
And since I've been traveling and working so much, people are not used to seeing me around.
But since I'm now showing up, since I've making this a priority, I'm not letting this ice cube melt.
For the first time ever, I'm like really in the loop about what's going on. And you're going to
find that that's true too. And in fact, I had this super cool experience. This might sound dumb to
you, but it was like a highlight of my life so far with Oakley, which is a bunch of parents and I
snuck on to the high school bus before a huge Alpine ski team race. They're going off to some
regional thing. And we decorated that bus. It looked like a bunch of strippers were going to come
onto that thing because I went into the decoration aisle at Walmart. I made up for 10 years of
having that ice cube melt. I bought out every piece of tinsel, every streamer, every you know what?
I bought the chalk markers. I colored every window. I decimated that bus with decorations.
And I felt so bad that I even gave the driver a Dunkin' Donuts gift card and some cash and
a couple extra garbage bags because he refused to take our offer to have him like get some help
to have it cleaned up. And let me tell you something. When Oakley got onto that bus,
he texted me and said, you wouldn't believe what the parents did. And I said, dude, I was part of it.
And he was shocked, absolutely shocked and thrilled. You did this is unbelievable and it was so
fricking cool. Again, is it the biggest thing? No. You may do this all the time. But to me,
this was a really big deal. And until you make something of priority, you're going to keep missing
out on this stuff. And when it comes to my parents, because I've shared that my dad's turn in 80 and
I am very, very aware that that ice cube is melting. Here's the fact. They live over 16 hours for
me. I'm not driving there. They're not driving here. And I realize that we are together two to three
times a year maximum. And so when it comes to my parents, how do you do that in the calendar? Well,
it's critical because Oakley lives with me and he's super busy. And I barely see him. And he's
a senior in high school and he doesn't want to hang out with his mom. And so it's my job to insert
myself somehow into his life. Same thing's true with my parents, just because their 80 in retire
doesn't mean it's their job to make sure our relationships amazing. And here's the truth.
Like you may be experiencing your life, my parents are 16 to 18 hours away from me.
I'm not driving all the way to Michigan. They're not driving all the way here. And the older that my
kids get and the older that my nephews get, the harder it is to get everybody together. And I
realize, you know, if I really think about it, at this point, we only get together in terms of my
brother and his wife and their two kids and Chris and I and our three kids and my two parents.
We only get together two to three times a year maximum at this point. And as our daughters are
getting older and they're entering the workforce, it's getting harder and harder and harder.
And so the calendar is essential. You know, we started planning my dad's 80th birthday celebration,
almost two years in advance. Why? Because we're trying to coordinate 12 people. And if you don't
get ahead of everybody's schedules, it's not happening. And I think that's important to understand
everybody's busy. I don't care if you're retired, if you're 12 years old, and that's why
getting it in the calendar and getting serious about this is how you mark these dates. Because
if you don't mark the date, it's not happening. If you don't put it in the calendar, it's not real.
It's not their job. It's your job. The time is going to pass. And if it's a priority to you,
you got to figure out how to fit in to what they're doing. And so another way to use your calendar
is I've put a little alarm in my calendar again, not personal in work to call my parents twice a week.
And that way I use my calendar to make sure I'm marking dates so that the time is not passing
without doing my part. Because again, if it's not in the calendar, it's not happening. And that
brings me to the fourth thing that I've done. Okay. As you're starting to make your plans and
you're starting to mark your dates, I just want to underscore this because I've been hinting at this.
This whole thing is not about other people reciprocating the effort you're putting in.
Because here's the huge headline. You're not doing this for them. You're doing this for you.
That ice cube, that's their life. As it's melting, you realize you want to be a part of it.
You don't want to miss out on it. So don't make the mistake of expecting everyone to just drop
their plans because you want to come into town. And this is a really, really important note because
I think if I'm being brutally honest with myself and with you, I think particularly with my parents,
we got into a little bit of a tit for tat kind of thing. You know, where you kind of go,
well, you got to come to me or you got to come to me or well, the kids are busy. So why would I
come if they're going to be busy running around and I'm not even going to get to see them. And then
in that sort of tit to tat, who's doing more, who's making more of an effort. And you find yourself
in a little bit of a standoff, little bit, I think you know what I'm talking about, a little bit of
a friction, a little bit of tension there. You know what happens during those years? Lots of melting.
And this is an important note for me to remind myself of because the fact is Oakley's going through
the last days of high school. His top priority is not time with his mother. He wants to see his
friends. He doesn't want to drop his weekend plans because his mother has nothing to do. And look,
I know you're going to jump through a bunch of hoops like when you just race out of work at three
o'clock so you can get home so you can be there for something and you fight traffic and you have
all this stress around it. You make this herculean effort and your kids don't even like want to
hang out with you. It sucks. And it's also the reality. And I realize that when you fly across
country and you make time to spend with your family because you know your parents are getting older
and it's like okay. It's not everything that you thought it would be. That's okay.
What you need to keep reminding yourself is you're doing this because this is the kind of person
that you are. You're showing up because it matters for you. And you've got to figure out how to
insert yourself into what's already going on. And I'll give you a great example like because I'm
always trying to find time where I can get Oakley trapped into a car, right? Because I figure if we're
in a car, then he's going to have to talk to me. So I was so excited when we were going on college
tours recently to check out some of the schools that he's considering. And I thought oh my gosh,
it's going to be like the best. We are going to be at the car for hours and then we're going to
tour these colleges and then on the drive home. We're going to get all this stuff that we're going
to be able to talk about. Oh my gosh, I can't wait. That is not what happened. Are you kidding? We
get up at the crack of dawn. He brings a pillow. He sleeps the entire drive to the college. We get
into the tour and he wants me to not be standing next to him. He's like four paces ahead of me because
of course I'm embarrassing him. And if I ask a question, he shoots me a look and then we get back
in the car and we drive home and you know what he does? He sticks his earbuds in and listens to an
audio book. Not exactly the massive profound bonding experience, but I don't care. I don't care
because I got to be there and I didn't do it for him. I did it for me. And I call my parents
all the time and I say, hey, do you guys want to come out? Like I'd be happy to buy an airplane
ticket. We'd love to see you and they're like, oh my gosh, we're so busy, but you can come here.
You're just kind of chuckling, aren't you? If this matters to you, stop doing the tit for tat. Stop
waiting for people to drop everything and be thrilled that you showed up. It's important because
it's important to you. It's important because you're the kind of person that shows up and that's
all you need to know. And the other thing that you need to know is we have some amazing sponsors
to the Melbourne's podcast. So I want to take a quick break so they can tell you all about the
awesome things that they can do. And while you're on this break, send this to somebody that you love.
And if you're listening and it's your parents that you miss, you know, maybe you're working in a
city and you're starting your career and you're thinking, oh my god, I've spent 90% of the time
that I have already with my parent. I only have 10% of time left. And every year it's going to be
less than I miss my mom. And they're like the coolest. Send this to them and tell them that this
made you think about them and how much you love them and that you just wanted them to know. I promise
you it will mean more to them than you can possibly imagine. And when we come back, we're not done
yet because we're just getting started with some of the small things that create amazing moments
with the people that you love. So stay with me. I'll be waiting for you after a short break.
Welcome back at your friend Mel and you and I are talking about how to make the most
of the fleeting time that you have with the people that you love. And you just heard about how
making these plans is something that you're doing for you. And when you keep that in mind,
it'll keep your ego and your frustration in check. And you will be able to show up and make the
effort and be present and lower your expectation for how it actually goes. You know, let them.
Because you know that this is about letting me take responsibility for making the most of the
time that I have. So I feel really good about how I spent it. And that leads me to the fifth thing
that I did that has made a huge difference that I want you to steal. And I've been alluding to it.
Okay. Which is really think not about how do I get someone to make plans with me or agree to
plans, but how can I fit into someone's life? How can I do this in a way that doesn't disrupt
what they're doing that's convenient to them? And you know, I think we make this mistake a lot
that we think that we got to plan something big, right? That in order for it to be meaningful,
we got to go away somewhere, we got to find a weekend, we got to do something profound that's
going to take hours and hours and hours. And the truth is, that's how you do it.
You have to figure out how to become more present in someone's day to day life.
Because if you make the mistake of thinking, okay, I'm going to plan for my dad's 80th,
what you need to do, you need to put that in the calendar or else it's not going to get organized.
But the bigger way to not have that experience of walking out of the room when the ice cubes
intact and walking back in and it's fully gone is to figure out how to stay in the room
in tiny little ways. And so here's a couple things that I thought about as it relates to Oakley.
Yeah, I can be in the car with them as we're driving to certain things and that's a way to be
present with them. But this has been a remarkable tip, which is think about the person and what
their life is like. And Oakley being a senior in high school, he just wants to be with his friends.
I mean, this is the last time he's going to be with his friends. This is the last summer of his
high school year. This is all happening before he goes off to college. And so given that he just
wants to be with his friends, why don't I use that to my advantage? Instead of making him choose
between me and his friends, why don't I like make them part of the deal? Like just think about it.
I'm more likely to get him home for dinner if I text him and two friends. Hey, Sully, hey, Noah,
I'm making steaks on Friday. Why don't you guys all come on over for dinner? They'll respond
faster than Oakley. Well, oh yeah, Mel, I'll be there. And now, boom, I not only have my son,
but I've got his friends. And now because his friends are there, he's not going to be sitting
there silently at dinner, just not wanting to talk. They're going to be chirping like birds.
And so think about how to make it more welcoming for your kids' friends or for their
significant other. And let me give you another example. So one of Oakley's favorite things to do
after school or after like sports is having dinner. And then he goes right up to his room and he
takes a shower and they park himself in front of the video game monitors and he pops on his headset
and he just hangs out with his friends and they play Fortnite and all these other games. I don't
know what other games you're playing right now. And look, if I were upset about that because it's
not spending time with me, I would be trying to make him choose between something he wants to do
right now and hanging out with his friends versus having a conversation with his mother in the
living room. I mean, please, I'd be playing video games with my friends too. But here's what I can do.
I can take my coffee and I can walk up to his bedroom and I can knock on the door and I can walk in
and I can pull up a chair and I can sit off screen so I don't embarrass him that, you know, his mom
is sitting there and he's hanging out. Why is playing? I'm just showing interest. I'm in the room
where the ice cube is. And look, he may get killed a couple extra times because I'm kind of distracting.
But it's a way to be in their life instead of trying to get them to make plans that take them
out of their life. It's such a subtle difference, but it makes all the difference to insert yourself.
The same is true with your parents. Don't make them change. Their plans go to them. Don't make them
call you. Call them. I know they're retired. I know they got more time than you do. But for God's
sake, get out of the tit for tat and stop thinking it's got to be big. It actually needs to be
really small because when it's really small, you can fit it into your day-to-day life and it keeps
you in the room with the ice cube and that slows down this feeling that things are melting.
And here's the sixth thing that I did. I got very serious about being present and here's how I
did that. I talk a lot on the podcast about being where your feet are. And this is particularly true
if you're going to stay in the room with the ice cube and you're going to insert yourself into
their life. And one of the ways that you can be more present is a huge thing that I've been
super intentional about and it's made a big, big, big difference in my time with Oakley
is as I'm aware that I'm not going to let time slip through my hands, you want to know what I don't
have my hands, my phone. And this is something that has helped me this year in feeling like I'm not
letting the time that I have passed through my hands, like just fly right through. And here's
what it is, being where my feet are, not having my phone in my hand when I'm trying to be in the room
with Oakley. See, the old Mel, it took everything I could just to get to the sporting event when our
daughters were playing, right? So if I actually made it there, I was that parent on the sidelines
who was buried in my phone. I was like sending emails and then all of a sudden all the parents
were on me would cheer and I'd be like, what happened? Who scored? And if the kids were like,
did you see me? I was like, yeah, great play, great play. And I missed the whole thing. I would be
the one that would step out of the bleachers to take a phone call near the end zone. I'd be
pasting back and forth trying to wave, trying to make eye content to get credit for being there,
but was I there? Physically, but I was checking a box. I wasn't actually present watching the game.
I was working remote at my kids game. Not the same thing. And I'm not saying that to make you
or me wrong because it was a herculean effort just to get there. And that was enough at that point,
but that's not good enough for me right now. So I make it a point to be where my feet are and
to not have my phone in my hand. If Chris is at the sporting game, I leave my phone in the car
because I can use his phone to take photos if I want to take photos. But if I'm going to the game
and nobody's there, that phone is either in the car in my pocket, period. Same thing with being
home at night. And this is a huge tip about being more present to the time that you have.
Your phone is destroying your ability to be present. Your phone is robbing you of time. Your phone
is like a torch blower on that ice cube because you are giving all of your attention and time to the
damn phone instead of being present with the people in the room. And I know what you're about to say.
You're probably like my kid's in the phone with the big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big
