It is season 21, episode one of the Good Inside Podcast. I know, season 21.
And speaking of season, I got casual in my t -shirt today.
I want to talk about the summer because I started hearing a lot of talking about the summer and I'm hearing parents have a pretty kind of relaxing summer.
I'm just in my beautiful, flowy summer dress in mind.
and when I hear that, I just think about what the reality of my summers have been like, and I just want to paint a very different picture for you, okay?
It's 10 am. The sprinkler is on.
I have one kid hysterically crying that they didn't get a popsicle yet.
I have another kid asking for the TV remote.
I have another child who I don't know ended up with a Sharpie and is kind of drawing it somewhere in my house, and I'm googling something totally random like, how many coffees can you have before noon?
The truth is, in this moment, I'm not just a parent.
I'm like a cruise director where my kid is always thinking I'm going to plan some amazing activity.
I'm also a sibling referee because probably at that moment two of my kids are arguing with each other.
I also feel like I'm a snack machine like how many snacks how many popsicles does a child think they should have before it's even dessert time?
And none of these are roles I signed up for.
And all of them feel stressful.
And not only is there not a manual for those additional roles, but I am still expected to do the first role that also feels hard. Being a parent.
So that's the image I have in mind when I think about this summer.
It's not me in some flowy beautiful dress, I don't know, sitting down, reading a book, watching the sunset.
And I want to talk about it because if your summer has felt like that image, I think we can at least get a little ahead of it here and really think about what the summer might be like and what of all those roles, the cruise director, the snack machine, the sibling referee, maybe we don't want to play at least so often this summer.
So that's what we're going to talk about.
I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside.
We'll be back right after this.
My summer before I had kids and my summer time after I had kids was even more different.
The gap was even greater than the rest of my year was different.
Of course our whole life changes when we have kids, but in the rest of my year before I kids like I was in grad school some of it so i'd be going to school or i'd be going to the hospital right where I would work and again i'd be in this routine.
Now after I had kids during the school year I also had a routine.
Now in the summer when I think about my summer before I had kids I traveled a lot and I think we know traveling before you have kids and traveling with kids could not be more different.
When you are traveling with kids you are not going on a vacation you are just doing the same thing you always do in a more inconvenient location.
And you're spending a lot of money doing it, right?
So different. So before I had kids, I just remember on a Thursday texting with a friend, Hey, where do you want to go this weekend?
It would be spontaneous.
We plan it last minute.
And you know what, we'd forget a lot of things didn't matter.
We'd figure it out.
After kids like what a spontaneous weekend trip that felt really hard. And also, even if I did it, if I did forget the bottle or anything like that, of course I survived it, but it felt very different.
I wasn't having this kind of spontaneity.
I feel like I'd be out late at night in the summer even if I had something to do for work the next day.
Now, if I'm late with especially my young kids, I feel like there was a price to pay.
Like my kid wouldn't go to bed till two hours even later because their cortisol was so high trying to figure out what to do with them the next day, extra hard. And so, look, I think if we zoom out This kind of whole myth of what the summer will be like, there's a couple of elements.
What the world tells us, it's just not in line with reality.
And let's just name that.
It actually will make the summer more enjoyable if we realize that.
And the other thing is, I think a lot of us before we had kids, the summers did feel like a break.
They did feel light, they did feel extra fun.
They did feel kind of like the peak of the year.
They allowed us to kind of do different things, go different places, take an extra day off of work, and again, the summer after you have kids, not like that at all.
None of this is a way of saying your summer with your kids is going to be miserable.
Buckle up. I actually believe the more realistically we can talk about something, the more space there will be for enjoyment and those kinds of magic moments.
So that's the goal today.
Let's just laugh, let's remember, let's be real.
And in doing that together, let's create a little more space this summer to have more moments that feel the way we'd want them to.
Okay, let's start with this.
Let's start with the myth of the perfect summer, or even just the myth of summer.
I still, even after all my years of parenting kids in the summer, have this idea that the summer is going to feel like a break.
Summer break, are you ready for summer break?
Are you ready for school to end?
Get ready for the summer, oh right?
And yet, it never feels like that.
But if we zoom out, why would it feel like that?
School gives us structure.
It gives our kids a routine.
It gives us so many hours in a day that are relatively predictable.
I know you might get a call from the school nurse or you look at your calendar, you're like, I didn't know we had that holiday off, but in general, you can count on your kids having somewhere to go.
Other adults creating an environment for them, them seeing their friends, hopefully they have a little recess.
They're also doing some learning.
Then maybe even after school, you have an activity or two, you're used to it and then the summer comes.
And often it's just blank.
So there's less structure, there's not so much of a routine.
And as a parent, whenever I think less structure, not having a routine, I don't feel like that's a break for me.
In a way, for me at least, I can just say for me, when I have structure and a routine, those are the two things that allow me to have a break.
Because then I have time in my day that I know can be for me or for catching up on something or actually cleaning my house, not from a place of rage and frustration, but from a place of self -care.
When I don't have structure in routine, honestly, I feel a little more out of control.
So then I'm showing up in my house a little more frenetic.
My kids, I think, also feel a little out of control.
They don't know what to expect.
They're more likely to have intense reactions.
What? We have to do that today.
What? There's nothing planned.
What? I'm bored. And then that energy and my energy, it does not give me this perfect summer break vibe.
If summer feels like that for you, if summer sounds in your neighborhood like the assumption there will be a break, but then summer inside your body actually feels really hard, there's there's nothing wrong with you.
Right? I think in this time, it's just such mismatched expectations and reality, right?
Where it's kind of like in the summer, the world tells us to make memories and you and I were thinking, I just want to make it till bedtime.
Okay. Can we talk about the jobs we take on over the summer that you and I do not want but somehow we find ourselves locked into?
I want to go over three main jobs and let's start with the first one.
I don't know. let's call this one cruise director, camp director, magic memory maker.
Okay, so I picture a backyard and you have, I don't know, one of your kid has a play date, a kid's coming over and the day before you're like, that's it, I gotta go to the store, I need the slip and slide.
I need those watermelon slices in the triangle kind of like all lined up, I need to think about the music playlist and we need to have this amazing outdoor time.
And then you know what happens?
your kid that day refuses to put on sunscreen and you're thinking, okay, it is like 95 degrees and the UV index is, I don't know, whatever it is, that would be really, really high.
Now I have all this stuff set up.
I spent two hours setting up my backyard. My kid has a friend coming over who wants to go outside.
My kid wants to stay inside because they're already burned from yesterday and they won't put on sunscreen.
What the heck do I do?
Wow. Again, if I'm in camp director mode, which I can get into because I'm an optimizer.
Okay, I get so mad at my kid, because in a way my kid is getting in my way of running this amazing camp.
I mean, I'm on this cruise like we have blocks of time, and right now is go outside, do your slip inside, laugh and say this is the best afternoon ever.
Maybe run through the sprinklers, grab your watermelon slice and look at me and say this was the best playdate ever.
My kids job is to make that happen for me.
Okay, I know my kid's job isn't really to make that happen for me, but when I'm in camp director mode, I do slip into that.
I do. Okay, I want to actually contrast that with something else I believe.
Becky believes, maybe not camp director.
Fordham is really good for your kid.
And maybe you're thinking, you're just saying that to make us feel better.
No, no. I'm really not.
first of all, I swear, I'm not someone who says really anything to make anyone feel better, it's just not really in my DNA.
But boredom, I want you to know, is something we want for our kids, and therefore, the summer, where it's impossible to plan a day for your kid like they would have in school because we're not an institution, okay, with those resources behind us, is the best time of the year to make sure your kids have, I'm going to brand it, boredom blocks.
Boredom blocks, right?
Now I'm not talking about like the blocks like this but again if I'm in camp director mode or if I'm in cruise director mode and I think about blocks in a schedule, I'm going to make sure my child has a block in their day for boredom.
Okay. Now you might be thinking, why do you want this?
My kid whines all the time.
Do you like whining Dr. Becky?
Are you a sadist? No. I do not like whining and I am not a sadist. Here's why boredom matters so much. boredom is the feeling all of us have before creativity, independence, and flexibility.
I wanna tell you a story.
This happened last summer.
My kids were home and all of them were bored because I had reminded myself that morning, I'm not a camp director all day.
First of all, it just makes me resentful, makes me depleted and I have to remember the boredom block.
Okay, there were no screens at this time.
There was no activity I planned.
I want to tell you what happened after, of course, the wining.
My three kids did an art project together.
They made it up. It wasn't like a project.
They drew together.
They kind of worked on this design.
One of them did one page, one of them did the other.
Now my two sons basically never do art.
And do you want to know why they did art with their sister?
Because they were bored because there was literally nothing better to do.
that it led them to say, oh, all right, well, I see my sister drawing.
I guess I'll join her.
That's amazing. It created a new thing they could do together.
It brought out a part of them that's a little underdeveloped, and that only happened because I let them be bored because they had a boredom block in their schedule.
It is not my job to make my kids not bored.
They will only find their creativity, their competence, their willingness to be flexible I'll do something they don't want to do after they go through a period of boredom.
Now, just to be clear, like kids have never said to me, mom, you know how you make sure we're bored and you don't take that feeling away from me.
I just wanna tell you that's really good for my development.
I like really appreciate that about you, never.
The reward we get for carving out boredom and not taking it away is whining.
But when you see this summer, your kids whining as a signer doing something right, it won't become enjoyable, it will become tolerable.
And so I think one way we get out of camp director mode, cruise director mode, all the time is we actually use that mode to help us.
Okay, if I'm in that mode anyway, let me be smart about it and block out boredom.
Tell your kids, this summer, we're going to practice something called being bored.
That's a thing, it's actually an important thing, and so the times that you tell me on I'm bored.
I'm going to get it, I understand.
And I'm not going to fix that with an exciting activity.
I just want to let you know, because I believe in you, I believe in your creativity and your independence.
And I know by the end of the summer, you're going to find one or two things you would have never done before because of that boredom.
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That's one word good inside at great wolf .com book now at great wolf .com and strengthen the pack Role number two, we find ourselves in in the summer Even though we don't even want this role is sibling referee And if you're like me you find yourself doing truly bananas things with your kids like this This happened a few summers ago when my kids were young.
Okay it's not fair, my sister has 13 pretzels and I only have 12 pretzels, I need another pretzel, okay?
Here's another pretzel for my son.
Then of course my daughter goes, wait, that pretzel that you gave him is bigger than any of my pretzels and I find myself going like this, okay and I'm like breaking off this much of my son's pretzels to like give it to my daughter to make it even and to be this referee affair, what are we doing?
we are breaking pretzels.
We are, I don't know, recutting the grilled cheese a million times.
So my kid's grilled cheese over here looks just like that.
We're making things fair and we are taking on the role of saying who was wrong and who was right.
Oh, okay. Well, I think it's true.
Your sister did go first on the slide the last three times.
And so, yeah, now you should go four times and then she'll go, I want to get ahead of this role.
and I realized this a little while ago.
I want to share it with you because it's gonna sound really weird at first but then I promise you it's life -changing.
Making things fair for your kid, determining who was right for your kids only makes sibling rivalry worse.
Isn't that interesting?
We think we're working ourselves out of a problem and we're locking ourselves into that problem.
Here's why. When you make things fair as the referee, okay, now that's fair, same number of pretzels, all you're doing to your kid is you're saying, Hey, for you to be happy and satisfied, I want you to have eagle eyes on your sibling and notice everything they have and make sure it is the exact same.
And then if it isn't the exact same, I want you to come to me and demand that it be the exact same.
And then I will make it even and then you can be happy.
Literally nobody wins.
First of all, I don't want that role.
I I really don't. But also I want my kids in life to know you don't get happy by noticing what other people have and then getting the same thing.
I mean, really, can we imagine our kid calling us in adulthood and saying, my friend has a mom who bought her a big house.
You have to buy me a big house.
That's only fair. I mean, I know that sounds laughable and also totally cringe worthy.
But when my kids are young in their sibling relationships, I am locking their gaze into noticing what the other person has and then telling them the only way they can feel calm and competent is by having the same thing.
I don't even think that scenario is totally crazy.
Okay, so what can we do instead?
No, look, there's so many different things and I won't do it justice by pretending in the next couple minutes I can completely shift out of fairness into regulation and connection and confidence.
That's a process and a path, not a moment.
but I can at least get you started.
And I promise you it starts by promising yourself something.
By saying to yourself, my job is not to do fair and my job is not to determine right.
I don't do fair with my kids and I am not the arbiter of who is right and who is wrong.
Then there's definitely things you can do but we can't do different things if we haven't reconciled that for ourself.
And so maybe take a moment with me.
We'll repeat it together, cause I still need to hear it.
My job is not to do fair.
I actually do want you to say it out loud.
My job is not to do fair.
Second part. My job is not to determine right.
What can we do after that?
You could tell your kids, you can tell your kids, look this summer you guys are gonna be spending a lot of time together, more time than usual because there's no school.
One of the things I'm going to do differently this summer is I'm not anymore going to make things exactly equal between the two of you because honestly that gets in each of your way of figuring out what you actually want, which might be different from what the other person has.
And the other thing I'm not going to do is when you come to me complaining about an argument, and I'm not gonna determine who was right and who was wrong and who gets the toy and who actually gets to go first on the side.
I'm going to help you become problem solvers because the truth is the two of you are awesome kids and you have the ability inside to figure out how to go first on the slide or second on the slide or who should get the blue cup and who gets the red cup and my job isn't to solve it for you.
It's to help each of you Access and bring out those problem -solving skills.
And then you can know?
I'm dropping sibling referee, and honestly, everyone wins when we do that.
Okay. I want to talk about the third job that I know I really take on in the summer, and then I get resentful.
I get so annoyed. And also, I just can't believe the pace at which we're going through things in my pantry.
And what is that job?
Snack machine. Snack machine.
And the number of snacks my children need not want need.
I need it, I'm starving before 11 .02 AM.
I don't even want to name the number.
It would be embarrassing, I swear it's like 19 each. And all of a sudden I'm like, I swear I bought the snack at the store and now it's gone.
I have to go back to the store.
And also it seems incessant.
How has my kid never hungry?
Okay, here's the thing I realized, sometimes my kids are hungry.
I'm not saying that's not real.
That can be very real.
But sometimes I need a snack, I need it now.
Is my kids unsophisticated way, because they're young, they don't have the skills yet at saying, I'm not sure what to do now or I'm looking for something fun and exciting, and I can't find it.
Or, I just feel uneasy and I want to feel better.
Now, food is fuel, food is important.
Food and snacks, it's not the same thing as emotion, regulation, and connection.
The other thing I've reflected on with myself is let's say my kid came to me and they said, I'm sad.
Can you imagine? Oh, no, you're sad?
Oh, my goodness, let's make this sadness go away right now.
I for whatever reason with food have that reaction.
Like, you're hungry?
Oh my goodness, you're hungry.
Let's get you a snack.
It's actually powerful to remember.
It's okay to feel sad.
Not gonna kill you.
Maybe this is controversial, but I'm gonna say it.
It's okay to be hungry.
I would actually say it's good to be hungry.
I want my kid to be hungry before lunch. I want my kid to be hungry before dinner.
Hunger is what makes you try new food, or be more curious, or eat more of something that's presented.
And so I actually think that's powerful just to say that.
It's okay for my kid to be hungry, now like anything else there's a range.
I am not going on record saying, Dr. Becky thinks we should starve our kids and make sure they don't eat so they're hungry.
No! No. But that's extreme, and I think in our home we know whether my kid is really, really in a bad place with food or whether even maybe this is about food and it's not kind of an emotional bid for connection, even if it is just about food, my kid can be hungry and not eat right away." And I started saying that to my kids when they were younger, and it totally changed things.
I believe you. You really want a snack.
You're hungry. I get it.
You're really hungry.
I totally get that.
You know your body best, and it's OK to be hungry before lunch. In fact, it's actually good to be hungry before lunch. You can be hungry for the next 30 minutes.
I know, it's gonna feel uncomfortable.
You might just think food, food, food, food, snack, snack, snack every minute.
And, snacks aren't happening right now.
Lunch will happen very soon.
I'm gonna go back to finishing it and then we'll eat together.
That's kind of the more pure food side.
The other thing I realize with my kids is sometimes, especially in the summer, this all relates.
There's just more transition time.
There's more open time.
There's not a schedule.
They're bored and they're looking for satisfaction.
They're looking for comfort.
They're looking for something that gives them a good feeling.
Food can do that. And again, this is not about being rigid, but we don't want our kids to think when they're bored snacks are always the option.
Unrelated to food, I want my kids to think when they're bored or in between that they are the option, that they can figure it out.
And if we're always kind of avoiding that by kind of plugging that true feeling with a snack, we actually get in our kid's way of something that really helps them long -term.
It's okay to have a moment in between things.
I don't need to always go to my phone or go to food or distract myself.
It will take time to kind of sit in that like interstitial time and be comfortable.
But I'm not gonna get there if I just use a snack all the time to avoid it.
I also think this is something really powerful you can talk to your kids about.
Summer's weird, right?
There's all this time when we're like, oh, what am I gonna do?
I wanna have more fun.
I wanna be doing something better than this.
And I don't know about you, but sometimes in that moment, I think I want a snack.
sometimes I do. Sometimes my body's just saying it feels all tricky.
Just kind of being on the same team with your kid can get us out of snack machine role because what we're really saying to our kid is I sometimes want someone to be a snack machine for me too.
And that's true for both of us.
And I'm in this with you.
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So look, I just want to tell you, in the summertime when you're doing so many different roles, because it's not that you're doing any of those jobs badly.
You're just doing too many jobs.
I mean, think about if you worked in an office, okay?
And you had your job for the year and then it became the summer and you're already at full capacity cause this is a hard job and someone tells you, okay, in the summer, I need you to plan all the events for the team.
And actually in the summer you're in charge of every meal everyone eats, all the time.
Oh, and in the summer, when anybody argues you have to go and referee and make it better, okay?
I don't know about you, but I feel like I'm being set up for failure here.
Like I already have a full time job here in the summer now I have three, four, five, six, seven more jobs.
And ironically, if I did take on all those jobs, I'd probably start feeling bad at my real job.
Which would make sense.
You say, well, of course, Becky, whatever your real job is in the office, if you're now taking on these other three jobs, it's crowding out your ability to do your real job well.
What is our real job?
Being a parent. Right?
It's trying to stay sturdy when they're having that meltdown.
It's trying to remember when my kid lies to my face.
Wait, they're not doing this to me.
They're having a hard time.
It's trying to figure out getting my kid to bed in a way that stays connected and still holds boundaries.
Like that's a full -time job as a parent and it requires so much of us to do it in a way that I think we feel good about.
When we But you have any job that requires a lot of energy and intention and emotion layering on three, four, five more jobs, I don't even talk about the other ones in the summer.
I also feel like you're like the chauffeur, like all of a sudden everywhere.
There's just so many more things that then we say to ourselves, I'm an awful parent.
I'm failing parenting.
And I just want to tell you, you're not.
You're parenting in the summer, you're parenting in the summer.
And I think together through this what we can realize is, okay if all those extra jobs, snack machines, sibling referee, cruise director, uber driver, boredom breaker, what is maybe one of the roles that I take on the most that actually then gets in my way of doing the job I care about most?
Being a parent. And how can I separate those two things?
Because I think when we relinquish some of those extra jobs, our kids benefit.
Honestly, they probably don't need all the snacks.
They don't even need all the activity.
They don't benefit from fair and sibling referees.
They sometimes don't need to be driven to all the activities they're invited to.
We actually will have a summer where it won't be perfect.
No. Won't be kind of frolicking.
Not for me. But there will be more moments where I just say, I'm really proud of the parent I was in that moment.
I really am. And that's the best it gets, right?
Not the myth of the perfect summer.
That myth won't become reality.
But we don't necessarily have to be weighed down by all of those extra roles that frankly we didn't sign up for.
So, I can tell you I am definitely resigning from a bunch of them.
I hereby resign my role as a kind of Chief Entertainment Officer.
It doesn't work for me.
It's exhausting. It means at the end of the night when I want to spend those extra five minutes with my son because that's when he tells me everything, I'm just going to be too depleted and resentful.
And so, it's also not good for him because I know those moments matter so much more than kind of him having a constant dopamine summer.
I wish for you to think about what one or two extra roles you wanna resign from.
Maybe even write the resignation letter.
Talk to your friends about it.
Share this episode, let it lead to a yes, light and funny and also meaningful discussion, so we can have a little bit more of that summer that we want.
and that maybe is then realistic for our family.
I would like to thank Great Wolf Lodge and Skylight for sponsoring this episode.
