People change when they're ready, not when you beg.
People change when their patterns hurt them, not just you.
People change when they're humbled by reality, not when they're pressured by others.
People change when it costs them something, not just you.
People change for themselves, not for your hope. not for your timeline, not for your pain.
The number one health and wellness podcast.
Jay Shetty.
Jay Shetty.
The one, the only Jay Shetty.
Hey, how's it going?
Welcome back to On Purpose.
It's Jay Shetty.
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We're all here to become happier, healthier, and more healed.
If you're someone that's on their spiritual journey, on your personal growth journey, this is the right place to be.
This episode today is about something that we all struggle with.
How many of you know someone?
You see their potential and when they don't live up to it, you feel pain.
How many of you really want to change someone who's close to you?
Could be a parent, a family member, a?
And how many of you have been in relationships, or are in one right now, where you're constantly trying to get the person you're with to upgrade and up-level, but it just doesn't seem to happen.
This episode is for you and is all about what to do when people don't change.
I read a quote that changed my life.
It said, people don't reveal themselves through their words.
People reveal themselves through their patterns.
Pay attention.
So many of us listen to what people say, but we don't watch what they do.
So many of us look at how people look, but not how they show up.
So many of us get carried away by how people treat others, but don't look at closely at how they treat us.
Observe patterns and you will know the person.
Ignore patterns and you will forever be in love with potential.
People are patterns.
We all are.
And yes, people can change their patterns, but as you know, and I know, patterns take a long time to change.
If you drive to work, on the same route every day, how long will it take you to change it up?
If you've had the same breakfast cereal every single morning for years, how long will it take you to change it?
Those are physical things that may even be changeable, but the patterns that are hardwired in our mind, our subconscious and our thoughts require life-altering events, often to set us on a new track.
And that can sometimes be an extremely painful process.
The first point I want to share with you today is the illusion of potential is a projection of your own wound.
This is a harsh truth, but stay with me.
When you fall for someone's potential, you're often falling for a version of them that only exists in your imagination or worse, in your unfinished childhood needs.
Think of someone you're trying to fix and ask yourself what unmet need in me is trying to be met through them.
Clarity starts there.
We let people treat us badly because we crave connection.
We let people talk to us poorly because we'd rather not be alone.
We let people walk all over us because we don't know how to stand for ourself.
But when we do those things, we don't change them.
We lose ourselves.
People change when they're ready, not when you beg.
People change when their patterns hurt them, not just you.
People change when they're humbled by reality, not when they're pressured by others.
People change when it costs them something, not just you.
People change for themselves, not for your hope. not for your timeline, not for your pain.
When you realize that you can see someone's pattern, the question you have to ask yourself is am I willing to stay here if the pattern remains the same?
Am I willing to be present if they say they want to change?
Often we say, yes, but they're changing.
Have they said they want to change?
Have they showed you a plan?
Have they committed to change?
You may see small changes, but unless they vocalize this, unless they verbalized it, unless they've communicated it with you, you're still living in imagination.
Now, I know you're thinking, Jay, what do I do when it's my family?
What do I do when it's my partner?
The first thing you have to look at is if it's abusive or toxic or highly emotionally manipulative behavior.
You've got to take a look at that very seriously.
But if you're someone who is listening and saying, Jay, it's just, I'm not sure.
I really wish they would do this.
It would make a difference.
You have to ask yourself how much you're willing to tolerate and be patient.
You have to ask yourself how much you're losing yourself in the process.
Only you know that.
Step number two, believe what they do not what they say.
If someone repeatedly disrespects your time disappears during hard moments or break boundaries, that's who they are.
So if you're hoping for your partner to become more empathetic or less impulsive, the truth is, they may say those things, but what are you seeing?
What are they doing?
What are they acting?
Because we're so emotional and sentimental when someone says the right thing, Don't you just light up inside and you almost think to yourself I've just been waiting for you to say that.
I've just been wishing for you to say that.
I've been wanting for you to say that.
But the reality is you're not waiting for them to say that.
You're waiting for them to show that.
That's what we have to focus on.
So track patterns.
Hope is not a strategy.
Don't focus on promises.
Focus on patterns.
If someone repeatedly disrespects you, that's who they are, at least for now.
If someone disappears when things get hard, that's who they are.
If someone breaks your boundaries and calls it love, that's who they are.
If someone lies to protect themselves, not your trust, that's who they are.
If someone makes you question your worth, that's who they are.
If someone only shows up when they need something, that's who they are.
If someone makes you feel crazy for having standards, that's who they are.
If someone constantly apologizes but never changes, that's who they are.
If someone expects grace but gives you none, that's who they are.
They can change, but only if they want to.
A big part of us justifies people's bad behavior.
Instead of looking at the patterns, we say but they're great at this, but they're wonderful in this way.
That's true.
People are always two things.
There can be so many things, But we have to be careful to not sacrifice ourselves for too long.
I know too many people who've done this and 10 years later, they say, I've lost myself.
I don't know who I am.
I don't have an identity.
We have to measure how extremely we're not accepting someone for who they are.
Step number three.
This is going to be a hard one to take in, but I have to be honest with you.
Stop mistaking your control for love.
Trying to change people often feels like care, but it's usually covert control.
You're trying to manage their chaos, so you don't have to face your fear of abandonment, disappointment or uncertainty.
Melody Beattie in her foundational work on codependency explains, you can't force someone to be who they're not.
You can only love them where they are or leave.
Next time you feel the urge to help someone change, pause and ask am I doing this for them or to soothe my discomfort with their behavior?
It's a form of control, and again, it could be unconscious.
You could really care, but underlying that is a care for yourself.
You don't want to have to experience the emotions of letting them down.
You don't want to have to experience the emotion of setting boundaries.
You don't want to have to experience the emotion of someone not liking you.
So you'd rather shapeshift, mold and change them in the process as well, in order for both of you to have a peaceful situation, when it's actually a situation where you don't know each other.
Let me give you an example.
When you're trying to change someone, you're saying to them hey, if you were more organized, if you were more focused, you could be more successful.
What you're trying to heal is your personal issue with finances, trying to heal your personal issue with money, but you're trying to do it through them.
Now, I'm not saying you don't need both people to earn.
You may be in a situation where you require both people in your life to go and make money.
But the point is that person is showing you who they are.
They're showing you where they're at.
And they might not be a good partner for you if you're looking for mutual responsibility.
So much of the time we get enamored by someone's mind, someone's words, someone's aura, someone's charisma, someone's personality that we forget what real life looks like.
Real life looks like looking at your bank balance, looking at your bills, waking up next to someone and going to sleep next to someone.
Real life looks like coming home when you're bored and tired, and so are they.
Real life looks like talking when there's nothing exciting to talk about.
Real life looks like planning when you're just waiting for that vacation.
Who do you want to be in your life for the real things, not just the imaginative ones?
Step number four is radical acceptance is not resignation.
It's respect philosophy.
Dialectical behavior therapy, also known as DBT, and Buddhism have this understanding.
Radical acceptance, a DBT concept created by Dr Marsha Linehan, is about fully accepting reality as it is and not as we wish it were.
To be honest, most of our problems exist because of how we want life to be and how life actually is.
The gap between those two is the amount of pain you experience.
If you want life to feel like this, but it actually looks like this.
That gap is the amount of stress, pain and anxiety you feel.
So people just say, wait, do I lower my expectations?
No, we don't want expectations.
We want to experience reality so we can make better choices.
If I walk into a restaurant and I experience the food, I know whether I want to go back.
But if I go there with high expectations, it may not meet mine.
Or if I go there with low expectations, I may be impressed, but that impressed may not be accurate, because I may be impressed because I had low expectations.
So I'll accept whatever I get, right?
When you're hungry and you walk into a restaurant, you go, oh my gosh, this place is amazing.
And then you go back when you're kind of hungry and you're like, oh wait, it's not as good as I remembered, right.
You've been there before.
We do that because it's not about low or high expectations.
It's about experiencing something properly.
If you experience it, you can go, actually, I didn't love this place.
I'm not coming back.
Or I love this place.
It's amazing.
I come back when I'm tired.
I come back when I'm hungry.
I come back when I'm on a date.
I come back when I'm with family, right?
You figure out what it's actually for.
It's not about saying this is okay.
It's saying this is what is.
And I get to choose how I respond.
You don't have to tolerate disrespect just because you know their trauma.
You don't have to accept mistreatment to prove you're loving.
You don't have to stay just because you see their potential.
You can forgive someone and still walk away.
You can see the good in them and still choose better for yourself.
You can understand someone's pain and still protect your peace.
You don't have to make excuses for behavior that's breaking you.
Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone walk all over you.
Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone take advantage of you.
Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone disrespect you.
It means you understand, this is what it is and you tolerate until you make your decision to stay or go to be here and live through it or leave.
You tolerate while you're figuring it out.
Why do we stay?
We stay because we're scared of being alone, or we stay because we're hoping they'll change.
Both of those are not great options.
If we're staying just because we don't want to be alone, we set ourselves up for more pain.
And if we stay hoping they'll change, we also create more pain.
So what do you do when you know someone can change, when you want someone to change?
First, You can definitely try to introduce them to things that will help them change.
You may see their potential, but you have to ask them if they see that potential.
I remember when I started dating Radhi and even when we got married I could see who she could become.
And then I realized how selfish that was, how it was a projection of my own insecurities or imagination, and how it wasn't selfless as it appeared.
It was selfish.
If I really want what's right for someone and if I love someone, it's about asking them who they want to be, where they want to be and what they want to be.
That's love.
That's selflessness.
But now, if it's behavior where someone's not doing the chores, someone's not taking responsibility, someone's not taking accountability, someone doesn't help out at home, they may never change that.
And it's up to you to decide whether you're willing to live in that space.
And I get it, leaving is hard, letting go is hard, and we've done plenty of episodes on that.
But you have to realize that this is what you're signing up for.
It's almost like a subscription plan, but you only figure out the hidden language and the small print afterwards, right.
None of us read the small print when we subscribe to something.
When we sign up to something you just put in your email and you log in, you tick the box.
You never really think it through.
We do the same in relationships, but then we experience the small print afterwards and then we feel let down.
Read the small print, read in between the lines, take it for what it is.
Point number five, you're not their mirror, you're their environment.
The Pygmalion effect versus the environmental conditioning.
Yes, people rise to expectations, but only if they want to.
The Pygmalion effect shows that people perform better when high expectations are clearly communicated, but this only works when there's mutual investment.
You're not a sculptor, you're the soil.
You can be nourishing, but you cannot will a plant to grow.
If they don't want the light, your sunshine will burn them.
So you can offer support, but you can't provide transformation.
You can't be someone's guru.
You can't be someone's guide.
You can't be someone's teacher unless they allow you to be.
And what I've seen is that people change more by the people around them than by someone telling them what to do.
If you're around a group of high achievers, you'll feel like becoming a high achiever.
If you're around a group of people who take care of their health, you'll feel like taking care of your health.
If you're around a group of people who gossip and talk negatively about others, you gossip and talk negatively about others.
We are so defined by the people that we're around.
If you really want to change yourself and you really want to change someone else, it's about changing who they're around.
It's not about telling them the right thing to do.
It's not about sending them articles.
It's not about educating them.
It's about taking them to another space, allowing them to experience that.
That's where change occurs.
That's how change happens.
And the reality is, sometimes the most loving choice is often to let go.
Sometimes the deepest form of love is saying I see you clearly now and I release you with compassion.
Research in the Journal of Positive Psychology shows that people who practice disengagement coping, letting go of unchangeable people or situations report higher well-being and less depression than those who continue trying to fix.
People are not yours to fix.
People are not yours to solve.
People are not yours to change.
Instead of disrespecting them, first start with distance.
And if distance doesn't work, then disconnect.
Often we stay close to people with judgment, with criticism, with complaining, only to make us far away from them anyway.
Rumi once asked, do you know why people shout when they're angry?
Because when you're angry and you're fighting with someone, you're physically close to them.
Rumi said we shout because our hearts are far apart.
Even though we're physically close to someone, we can be emotionally so far that we're shouting to get the message across.
But no one has ever changed because someone shouted at them.
No one has ever changed because someone complained to them.
People changed when they realized that if they didn't, their life would fall apart.
What I want to share with you in this episode truly is recognizing and understanding that relationships are difficult.
Relationships are challenging.
And sometimes our expectations of others and what we want them to be or who we want them to be are completely unrealistic.
And what ends up happening is that we create more issues in trying to change the other person than we would if we just connected with them.
This is why, in any relationship, whether it's professional or personal or romantic, you need to know what are your priorities and what are your preferences.
Your priorities are things you don't negotiate with.
And your preferences are things that are nice to have but may not always be there.
We have to realize that people also go through seasons.
You could marry someone confident but divorce someone broken.
You could date someone loving but break up with someone who's hard-hearted.
You could love someone who's compassionate. but leave someone who's judgmental.
People change in ways we don't want them to, more than they change in the ways we want them to.
The only decision under our control is do I want to be close?
Do I still want to be here?
Can I be patient and tolerant?
Or am I losing myself?
Focus on what you can control, Which is how you feel, What you do And whether you stay or leave.
That's what you're in charge of.
That's what you have power over.
Focus on that.
Thank you so much for listening to today.
I love recording these episodes.
I am so grateful to each and every one of you that watches and shares and comments.
Please make sure you pass this on to someone who could really benefit from it.
Share your insights on TikTok and Instagram about what you're learning.
I love seeing the posts.
I love engaging with them.
You'll even see me share them on Instagram, and I really really, truly hope that this is helping you heal and live a better, more meaningful life.
I'm committed to that and I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.
If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Dr Julie Smith on unblocking negative emotions and how to embrace difficult feelings.
You've just got to be motivated every day.
And if you're not, then what are you doing?
And actually, humans don't work that way.
Motivation, you have to treat it like any other emotion.
Some days it will be there, some days it won't.
