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Hello, friends.
Robin here.
And today, Kaysunga and I will be answering your questions about how to hold contradictory feelings after a breakup, how to have more mindful moments throughout the day and less thoughts.
And we have a question that is very near and dear to my heart how not to lose it when you have young kids and you're depleted.
We've got lots to talk about, so let's jump right in.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where i sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
Hi Kisanga.
It is so wonderful to see you today.
How are you?
I am good.
I am good.
Always, always a pleasure.
Always a pleasure to drop into Dear Headspace and to talk to you, Robin.
It sure is.
I mean, when I hear your voice, I just instantly get a little bit like my shoulders drop a little bit.
It just you've got that you've got that voice that I love.
I appreciate that.
I try to look in the mirror and talk to myself, but it doesn't always work.
I don't think I could do that.
My voice is more squeaky and I'd be like, what is that?
Stop it.
Well, here's the thing, Keisanga.
We have got some really great questions today.
And coincidentally, all of our callers are from Canada.
It was just like this weird thing that happened, right?
That's wild.
So I'm just wondering, should we get to our first question, eh?
It's like the worst joke.
I couldn't even stop myself.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Enough with my bad jokes.
Let's do it.
Here's Amanda.
Hi, Headspace.
It's Amanda coming from you from Vancouver, Canada.
I'm so happy I found you back in January because it has been so helpful with being a working mom of a four and one year old.
And I'm wondering if you have any suggestions on how to not lose it when you're with little ones all day and all night and working.
And how do you be present with them and all their little needs when you are being depleted a lot?
Oh, Amanda, you are so seen.
You are so heard right now by these two parents right here.
Indeed.
Indeed.
You know, they say that every child is the equivalent to a full time job.
Ain't that the truth?
Right.
So.
So here we have Amanda, who has two children.
And you heard the age, right?
Four and one.
That's a tough time.
She's fully in it, right?
So theoretically, she has three full-time jobs.
Yeah.
And so I love what she said about being present, though.
Yes.
I'm noticing some awareness that, you know, I do want to be present with my children.
I'm aware that when I am with them, I'm scattered.
My attention might be scattered.
So I would definitely reinforce that idea to be completely present when you are with your children because, as a working parent, It can be so easy to be thinking about the workplace when you're with your child.
Well, forget about the workplace.
It can be hard to not just be thinking at that time where she's at to be thinking like, oh my God, I'm not handling this.
I'm not doing well.
I'm so tired.
I'm like, I want this all to stop.
Would somebody please order dinner?
You know all those things that when they're that age it's really there's so much and work on top of that.
Yeah, right.
And work on top of all of that.
So I think the word for me that comes up with this, and I remember when I was homeschooling my two girls, I came to a realization of just surrendering.
Because as parents, we oftentimes want to have everything under control.
Yeah.
Of course, it's natural.
You're a parent, you want the best for your children, what have you.
But especially at four and one, like the world is brand new to them.
You know.
So all of their shenanigans is really just about them exploring really and seeing everything through these brand new eyes.
And so oftentimes as parents, we have our own agenda.
You know, we want them to do this.
We want them to do that.
But I remember when I was able to just surrender and just say you know what I'm going to just see, of course with some parameters.
But I'm going to let them do whatever they want to do and just see.
Like my, for instance, my little one.
I got her some washable crayons because I was sick of having to keep painting the wall.
Right.
So I got some washable crayons and I just let her color on the wall wherever she wanted to.
Now, as she got older of course, I would you know I naturally gradually guided her, you know.
OK, the wall, let's move away from the wall.
So much.
But in the beginning, I just remember I reached a point where I just surrendered.
But Keisunga, that's so difficult to do.
I remember when my kids were this age, because my kids are two years apart.
And Mary, my wife, had read some story about some mom who said yes to almost everything.
Like they wanted to draw on the windows.
She was like, OK.
She was like, here's the type of markers you can use.
So I know it'll come off.
And I always wanted to be that type of parent.
But I feel like I was never able to do it because I was too much, like somebody's got to have to clean those windows then.
So what advice do you have for men on like, because I think this is the paramount question about how to surrender.
Like, I think the concept is lovely, but how does Amanda and maybe me to learn how to do that?
I think something that might help, and I can only speak from my experience.
I would do the activities with them.
All right.
And so for myself, part of surrendering was being fully present.
What I would recommend is, when you're with your child, Just literally giving it up and being with your child.
Noticing when your mind is, okay, I got to buy this grocery or I have to do this.
All right, let me bring it back to Zola.
Zola's my daughter.
Let me bring it back to Zola.
I don't know Amanda's children's name.
What I used to do also was mimic.
So that's something that I would mimic exactly what she was doing.
So at one, they're usually crawling or might be walking at that time.
So wherever she goes, I go.
Whatever she, whatever shenanigans she's doing, whether she's throwing blocks or whatever, I would do the same.
Right.
And just her, seeing me engaged with her.
That was I don't know.
It created almost like a sense of calm, if you will.
Like, yeah, yeah, we were playing and we were we were.
I'm doing the shenanigans, but I don't know.
There was a synchronistic calm that was created because I was being fully present.
I wasn't really thinking about anything else but being there with her.
Now, as far as I did hear Amanda ask for some specific tips.
So for me, it's all about the breath, really, because the breath is always with me.
It's always with me wherever you go.
And remembering those deep breaths.
That's what stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system in the body, which is in charge of relaxing yourself and the rest and digest function.
So, if you know, taking those deep breaths and talking about synchronistic calm, taking those deep breaths with your little one,
That's interesting.
Just propping them up on your lap and Maybe placing your hand on their belly.
They'll be curious.
Why is mommy putting her hand on my belly?
And then really exaggerating that.
Those deep breaths, you know, get them involved in the practice also.
Also as a mom, I have to say the word that I keep picking up on in what Amanda's saying is depleted.
And I say this to any mom or any parent, I should say from a rooftop, that will you know, that will hear me.
I say self-care right when you have a lot going on, and I think it is counterintuitive, but it's very easy to lose taking care of yourself.
But it's that thing that we talk about all the time about putting the oxygen mask on yourself first.
If you are able to and say to your partner, if you have a partner to say, could you sub in?
Like, can you give me 20 minutes?
I need to go take a shower or a bath, or I need to take a quick nap, or I just need to lay in a room quietly.
And then I can come back and I can be my better self.
Yeah, I don't know if Amanda has a partner or not.
Even if you don't have a partner.
Amanda, maybe tapping into your friend network, paying attention to nap time?
Nap time is precious.
So during nap time, taking maybe the first five minutes to do a meditation and then taking that nap yourself, getting that rest yourself if that's something that you need, or going for that walk.
You know what I discovered that was really eye-opening was a warm bath.
I love a bath.
A warm bath.
Yeah, that does wonders.
It really does.
That really does wonders.
That's my go-to for rest.
It's my go-to for warming up the cold bones.
And it's my go-to for celebration.
Like, if I want to celebrate myself and I want to do something healthy, I go take a bath with some nice lights.
I agree.
And again, bringing the kids into it, right?
So you know nap time is coming?
Preparing that bath.
You can prepare the bath with your little one right by your side.
Oh, you see what mommy's doing?
Yeah, I'm getting this bath nice and ready.
You want to touch the bubbles?
Yeah, I'm going to be in those bubbles real soon.
Yeah.
You know, then when they go down the map, you go right into your into your bath, you know.
I love.
I don't think I've ever heard anybody answer this question in a way where they talked about incorporating the kids into it when they're feeling depleted.
And I just love that you're you're saying that, Kisanga.
And I think that's so, that's so smart, because you are teaching your kids and your whole family the importance of self-care.
Exactly.
So now, you know, just bring everything into synchronicity.
I love it.
I love it.
Well, and you know, what's also really fantastic for Amanda, and also for other parents out there who might be struggling, is that
There's this new mindful parenting content in the app and it's designed for parents.
It's like literally designed for Amanda.
Parents on the go.
There's 10 audio lessons with our very own host, Samantha Snowden, and the head of psychiatry at Headspace, John Cole.
So check that out in the app as well Amanda, because I think that could be a nice resource for you in addition to your bubble bath.
Yeah, see what resonates for you and knowing that every parent is different.
So what works for parent A, might not work for Parent B, and that's perfectly okay.
See what resonates with you.
Okay, let's get to our next question from Hassan.
Hey, my name is Hassan.
I'm originally from Egypt, but I'm living in Saskatchewan, Canada.
So I'm about two years in my meditation journey and the thing that I've realized the most is I had no idea how much thinking I was doing.
I usually start off the day with a meditation and then I'll end the day with any kind of mindful activity, which could be gratitude journaling or just reading a book I like.
I know that this is against maybe, the spirit of meditation, but I felt like by this point in time I'd be a little bit further into that mindful feeling, I guess, being able to have more moments of awareness throughout the day.
Anyways, thank you so much.
So thank you for your question, Hassan.
Welcome.
Welcome to the overthinking club.
I am the current president.
Doing it right now.
I mean, I've spoken about this many times.
I can totally relate.
Totally relate, Hassan, because I'm a deep thinker myself.
My mind is consistently racing.
Thoughts are continuously popping up.
I feel compelled with this question with you, Hassan, to go over the concepts of mindfulness.
And I think you'll be pretty receptive.
You say you've been practicing for two years.
The first one, I would just say the concept of non-judging.
I'm just hearing a ton, a ton of judgment, Hasan.
So just recognizing that there's nothing wrong with what you're experiencing.
So just paying attention to when you're in that space of judgment.
I shouldn't be doing it.
Those ping words.
I should be doing this.
I shouldn't be doing that.
Right.
So just recognize, oh, wow.
OK, I'm totally judging myself again.
Let me shift out of it.
Paying attention to the expectations that you have with your practice.
You know, I've been practicing for two years now.
I should be fully enlightened.
Right.
You know, this is the journey.
This is, you know, this is the journey.
And then the next concept of letting go.
You know, we tend to hold on to everything.
And it sounds like you're holding on to your thoughts as they come.
And there's nothing wrong with thinking, again.
So keeping in mind, these concepts are all related.
They're all interrelated.
So when you notice that you're holding on to the thoughts that come okay, I'm totally in the thinking mode right now.
All right, let me let that go.
And then bring myself back to the present moment.
And that in itself is the practice, right?
This is the practice, noticing and then coming back, noticing and then coming back.
The concept of beginner's mind is also kind of Coming up for me, because I'm feeling like you're treating your current practice in this moment based on what you've been experiencing in the past two years, or even what you experienced yesterday.
Yeah.
Each moment is completely brand new.
And I say this often, you know, we'll never experience the same moment twice in our life.
And that it can be mind blowing and beautiful, because we always have the opportunity to start from right now.
But oftentimes we base our current experience on something that has happened in the past.
Yeah, I think in the beginner's mind I always think of I did karate for a number of years as an adult.
And then I had that second kid and then couldn't quite get to the black belt.
But one of the things they make you do is, you know, because everything's about beginner's mind.
And before you go to black belt, you have to return to a white belt.
And you spend time back at white belt, like going over all the basics and the idea of it.
I always found so fascinating and fantastic because there's no ego.
You are a white belt as well as you are a black belt.
You know, and I'm not, I'm not saying Hassan, you know that his ego is attached.
But I'm saying that like that, we're all beginners, even when you're an expert, and that you can always be practicing the basics and trying to fine tune.
And I love that concept.
Well, I love that you brought up the ego, because part of why you're judging yourself Hassan, because your ego is telling you that you should be at a certain place.
And again, no judgment because we all experience that.
And the last thing I want to say with you, Hassan, is the concept of humor.
I'm hearing a lot of tension with your practice.
And so and I can relate because I was I was the same way for a while.
I just took the practice so seriously.
I had to be this way and had to be a certain time.
And, you know, I invite you to not take it so seriously and to have fun with it.
Have fun with it.
Smile.
Laugh.
You know, laugh at yourself.
You know, this is this is the journey.
This is this is your life.
Right.
But in the spirit of what you were saying Robin, of starting over from White Belt, what I invite you to do Hassan, is in the app.
Start from the basics.
Oh, I love that.
You've been going for two years now, which is totally commendable.
That's awesome.
And see what it's like to start from the basics, from the foundation.
Oh, I love this.
And don't be afraid to let us know how it all goes.
Because I think...
I think there's.
I think what's so interesting about having access to you all on this show is that you just gave him maybe a different way to practice or ideas that he can consider.
And I think that's really wonderful.
And so I would love to hear Hassan how it goes for you if it changes or opens anything up for you.
So, you know, don't be shy.
Let us know.
Yeah, please keep in touch for sure.
All right.
We will be right back.
All right.
Welcome back, folks.
All right.
We've got one more question from Katrina.
Here we go.
Hello, this is Katrina from Vancouver, Canada.
I had a question about creating space for contradictory feelings.
I was recently in a relationship where, towards the end, I felt like I had a lot of love to give, a lot of patience.
I was really trying to cultivate that for my partner.
They decided to end the relationship and I don't agree with the sense.
I'm wondering how i can still feel that love, compassion and patience for them while still honoring my anger, my disappointments and the resentments that i felt throughout the relationship.
Thank you, i feel like this is a common space.
You know, in a relationship or post-relationship i i just want to say, when it comes to relationships, What I have to say tends to be very straightforward and not so sugar-coated.
Because we're talking about matters of the heart here.
And so you're asking me the question, Katrina.
So my chief concern now is your heart, your well-being.
First off, again, so sorry that you had to experience this breakup.
Breakups are hard.
They're very painful emotionally.
That whole saying, time heals all wounds.
I mean, that's very real.
It's going to take time.
But yeah, so acceptance, right?
So the concept of acceptance is really kind of coming up here.
Accepting that the breakup has happened.
Allowing yourself that grieving, that space to grieve.
Because this is a loss, right?
So allowing yourself that time to grieve.
And I am curious if you are over them.
Katrina, it sounds like you're still holding on to the relationship to a certain extent.
So I don't know if you're able to, but if you're able to cut this person off, I would invite you to do that, or at least limit your contact with them.
Again, I don't know the situation.
And I only say that because with this breakup, what I'm hearing you say is that there's anger there.
Yeah.
There's resentment that's present.
And you're still trying to have patience and compassion for the way they broke up with you.
So I invite you to accept that it is broken.
This is a relationship that is over.
If you are continuously being in contact with this person right now, then that anger and resentment is going to be continuously flared up.
Yeah.
It's really difficult to move on, I think, when you're still in touch with people.
Yeah.
And there might need to be some active work that needs to be done in a vacuum from that person.
Yeah.
Give yourself permission to cut this person off.
Secondly, I would, I mean, these are heavy, heavy emotions to process.
And that's fine.
Seeking out some professional help.
A therapist, a coach, just to kind of guide you, just to help you process these feelings that you're experiencing.
You know, we're huge advocates for therapy.
Yes, we are.
In these parts.
Yes, we are.
I would definitely recommend that also.
I would also say get back to some of the things that I mean, sometimes in partnership, right?
There's compromise.
There's, you know, like maybe I don't love camping, but I go camping because my partner likes camping.
I think it's like a really quick entry point into, oh, there I am.
Like, I love all these things about me.
Yeah.
Hi.
And I love to introduce you.
Yeah.
Just jumping into all the things that you love.
And I also think then there's activities and then there's new people and there's just it's all good coming in versus sitting in what used to be and what is over.
You know, it's like new and good needs to come into Katrina.
Yeah.
That kind of speaks to what you were saying earlier also about self-care.
Yeah.
You know, getting into that space of self-care, too.
Going to the spa, getting massages, that warm bath we mentioned.
Listen, you can't afford the spa.
A bath is delightful.
A little music.
Exactly.
Yeah, music, right.
Dancing.
Like Wadron was saying, you're going out doing things that you enjoy doing.
You know what I'm going to say.
Meditating.
I don't know what your practice looks like Katrina, but yeah, adopting meditation practice can help.
You process these feelings, of course.
A great meditation practice is a loving kindness, loving kindness practice, where you're actually cultivating that self-love first and foremost.
Right.
Before you even thinking about spreading it to anyone else.
You're cultivating the self-love for Katrina once again.
And you'd be surprised how a loving kindness meditation can also help with forgiveness.
Yeah.
Forgiving others, right?
Because I think that would be very helpful with what you're dealing with now also, Katrina.
And Katrina didn't say this, but I know that sometimes in relationships that end for me anyway there's like things that I'm like oh, I lost a little of myself there, or I lost a little of this.
And I think that forgiveness can often need to be extended to yourself, right? in a breakup.
Like I've stayed too long.
I've been with people that weren't healthy for me and I could very easily walk down the road of beating myself up.
But I think those are moments to be like, Oh, it's okay.
That wasn't the best thing I've ever done, but there's learning in that there's growth in that.
Let's see if I can do something new and different now.
And so if that's any part of this breakup, if there's any self, you know, negative self-talk that's going on, take care of yourself there too.
Absolutely.
Something I'll also say and I say this only because it helped with a friend of mine is when you're ready, Katrina.
Are you going to tell her to get a dating app?
Not necessarily a dating app, but get back out there.
Yes.
Get back out there.
Go on a date.
Literally dating just for the sake of dating.
The camaraderie, how does it feel to be out on a date with someone new again?
Right?
Just to date, just for the sake of having fun.
Well, you know, what's really great about that advice Keisanga, is that it brings back a reminder that you have choice, that you have agency.
I'm saying no to this person.
Yeah, we had a coffee, but I don't see that going where I want that to go.
How about this?
And I do think the dating apps are great for that, because it's like you meet a lot of people and you get to say no to other people.
Nothing brings a gal's confidence back like saying no, thank you.
Like I think especially if maybe someone said no, thank you to you.
And also just reminding yourself, like maybe this person was smart and funny, but maybe they didn't like some things you did.
And then you go out on a date and you find a person who likes things.
It's like, oh, one door closed, but a window opened.
Like there's a lid for every pot.
There's people out there that you know you may believe in destiny and the one, but maybe that wasn't your one.
Exactly.
And then I just want to reiterate when you're ready, Katrina.
Yeah, just get back to you.
That's what I say.
You make your own choices, but getting back to you, I think is, I can't, it's always helpful.
Absolutely.
Especially after a breakup.
Yes, yes, absolutely.
And good luck, Katrina.
It's hard.
But I mean, I do think the thing that Kisanga said at the top about time.
It really is true that, like time does heal all wounds.
And it just sometimes you just have to process things.
And I think we're just saying things that maybe might help you process more, or I wouldn't say faster, but like get you back to you faster.
My late grandmother, one of her favorite sayings was this too shall pass.
And it is so true.
Well, Katrina, thank you for your question.
And good luck.
We're sending vibes.
Absolutely.
And Kisunga, I have to say thank you for all of that as well.
It was so lovely spending time with you and talking.
And I'm always just a little bit sad when we hit the last question.
Oh, Robin.
You're getting all mushy.
No, no.
This time that we spend together is awesome.
It's everything.
It's something I look forward to.
Amazing.
I'd like to say thank you to Amanda and Hassan and Katrina for your questions.
And hey, maybe you are out there right now and you are listening and you're thinking.
I wonder what Kaysanga would say about this problem that I have.
Well, there's only one way to find out, and that is to send us your question.
And I'm telling you, it is so easy to do.
All you have to do is go to sayhi.chat slash Dear Headspace.
You can record your question.
Just follow the prompts. that link because I say it very fast every week.
So that link is in the show notes.
And if we do happen to use your question in the show, you're going to get three months of Headspace for free and you can use it for yourself.
You can hand it off to someone else, whatever you'd like to do with it.
Yes, that's awesome.
And please, please, I just want to reiterate, please send us, send us your questions.
We love receiving your questions.
We love hearing from our community.
That's what it's all about.
And now it's that time where we take a moment just for you, a time to transition from listening and taking in everything that was said today, everything that you just experienced, and just letting it all settle before you jump right into your next activity.
So let's just take the time to listen to the sounds recorded at the edge of a jungle and just let your mind do whatever it wants to do in this moment.
Until next time.
Stay happy and stay healthy.
And be kind to each other and to yourself.
Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones, and Scott Sorenson.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer, Sarah Cohn, Barron Farmer, and Danny Karisamy.
Our production coordinator is Taylor Jennings-Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Kesunga Giscombe, Dora Kamau, Samantha Snowden, Eve-Louise Prieto and Rosie Acosta.
Post-production is by Dan Kroll.
Music is by Scott Sorensen and Chris Mergia.
And a special thanks to Colleen Lutz.
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