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You're listening toLifeKit.
FromNPR.Congratulations, your parentsnow.
Months and months of anticipation andfinally, tiny hasarrived.
I bet it feels like you and your partner have entered a whole new worldtogether.
I love you've never feltbefore.
I saw my son and it made mecry.
It was truly one of the greatest moments of mylife, and I was completely in awe of my wife and I'm looking at this beautiful babyboy, and I'mlike, this is everything I've everwanted.
That's parent relationship educator and coach Aaron Steinberg describing how he felt when his first child wasborn.
It was a singular moment ofconnection, of course with hischild, but also with hisspouse.
One that so many expected parents hopefor, with none of that relationshipstrife, he'd heard so many new parentssuffer.
I kind ofthought,hey, I'm even a couple'scounselor.
This will befine. It will befine.
Youknow, and then the dustsettles, the euphoria kind of meltsaway, and all of asudden, we don't have as much time for eachother.
We're like ships passing in thenight.
Becoming a parent is one of the most wondrous experiences you can share with anotherperson.
And also hands down one of the biggest stressors you can place on a romanticrelationship.
Infact, according to one study by relationshipauthority, the GottmannInstitute, almost two-thirds of couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction up to three years after having ababy.
That's a lot of newparents.
And it'sunderstandable.
There are so many reasons why your lovelife, your sexlife, might not feel like a priority rightnow.
You're bothexhausted, ofcourse.
Probably up to your eyeballs and an indefinite number of decidedly unsexychores.
And let's behonest, should you have the rare 15 minutes of baby's nap time tospare, your highest priority is most likely a snooze or ashower?
You might feel like you just don't have anything left in the tank for yourpartner.
But... It's really important for the health of a relationship to haveintimacy.
And I don't just meansex.
I mean cultivating and nurturing the part of your relationship that makes you more thanfriends, that makes you more thanroommates.
Things can get really dicey if you are not cultivating your intimate bond with eachother.
It's not always easy to maintain thatconnection, but it's worth astruggle.
When you have a more complexlife, there's morechallenges, but there's also more opportunity forrichness.
There's a lot more opportunity to connect over things that you never had to connect overbefore.
And you can actually create anew, moreloving, moreconnected, more expansiveexperience.
I'm reporter AndyTegel, in for Mary ElSegera, and in this episode ofLifeKit, navigating postpartumlove,sex, andintimacy.
We're gonna gothere, so you can get to where you want to be with yourpartner.
We'll talk about all the changes you might be goingthrough, ask you to rethink your understanding of intimacy anddesire, and give you tools to make the most of that daynight.
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Let's get your big question out of the way upfront.
When is it time to get back in thesack?
If you're about to have a baby or just givenbirth, you've likely been told by your OB-GYN to wait at least six weeks before havingsex.
There are two important medical reasons for this common boundary for the birthingpartner.
The first is to avoidinfection, and the second is to avoidhemorrhaging.
So it's essential to get assessed by your doctor and discuss birth control options before gettingbusy.
But according toACOG, that's the American College of Obstetricians andGynecologists.
There is actually no set time for when you and your partner can start having sexagain.
The six-week mark is just an opportunity to checkin.
That's ShyPorter, a DC-based relationship scientist with expertise in couplerelationships, perinatal mentalhealth, and the intersection of thetwo.
She brings us takeawayone, take the pressureoff.
The six-week marker is only a startingpoint.
There should be no hard deadlines for sex andintimacy.
Some people are readysooner.
Believe it ornot, some people get to like two or three weeks tolike, I feel totally back tonormal.
My body has bouncedback, and that'sincredible.
And some people arelike, I am so far fromokay.
It is this like sex is not even an option on the table forme.
And all of that isfine. Shysays, no matter where you fall in thespectrum, the important thing to remember is that the six-week marker is aquestion, not ananswer.
A chance to assess where you are mentally andemotionally, not justphysically.
I am here at the Validant Agnommage that wherever you are at six weeks isfine.
And does not mean that your partner or you have carte blanche to justsay,okay,well, I have been officiallycleared, so I guess anythinggoes.
So let's just set a baseline for how to deal with a question offrequency.
Meet ShanBoudram. The blanket thing I want for people to know when it comes to postpartum sex and intimacy is that the person who wants it the least should determine how much you're havingsex.
Shan describes herself as a public facing sex and relationshipexpert, and the chief intimacy officer atARIA, a sexual wellnessplatform.
No one should be having sex when they don't wantto, and that needs to berespected, and that kind of precedent really should be set inpregnancy, and if itwasn't, you should genuinely and truly set it inpostpartum.
This is a thing we allknow,right?
You don't want to feel pressured into doing things you don't want todo.
You don't want to be that person exerting undue pressure on yourpartner.
Andalso, the weight of guilt for not wanting to go there isreal.
The pain of disappointment when your partner isn't into it is alsoreal.
One thing all of our experts suggest to lighten these emotional burdens is to take sex off the table entirely for a predesignated amount of time that feels right for both ofyou.
You can set that timein,say, in twomonths, let's have thisdialogue.
It doesn't mean you can't have a night where you feeldifferently, but taking the pressure off of yourself to be sexual rightaway, I think is a huge weight that everybody deserves to have liftedoff.
Another thing that might help is to simply recognize and normalize all of the very real barriers that might be holding you back in thebedroom, whether you gave birth ornot.
There are the obvious logistical and timerestraints, ofcourse, but then there could also be a number of physical and mental boundaries impacting your sex drive that shouldn't beminimized.
When it comes to penetrativesex, birthing partners can often expect discomfort and vaginaldryness, at least atfirst.
Add to that extra tenderness around any stitches or tearing that might still needhealing, nipple and breast pain if you'renursing.
There's pregnancy weight and bloating that might have changed the shape and feel of your body to say nothing about the hormonalchanges.
And even if you're not dealing with any form of postpartum depression oranxiety, all of these things can add real mentalblocks.
And that's all just the birthingparent.
Non-birthing parents are going through it in their own waytoo.
My confidence took a big hit because I didn't feel as desired by mywife.
It, youknow, were in this time where it's not aboutme, but emotionally I'm like feeling lonely and feeling like I don't matter thatmuch, and that's reallytough.
It's also very possible for both parents to feel like the primary function of your body ischanged.
Forexample, some nursing mothers might find it really difficult to be sexual with parts of their body that are now being used to nourish theirchild.
Finally, there's the phenomenon of being touchedout.
Which is basically your nervous system gets really overstimulated from having so much humancontact, even though it's also reallybeautiful.
And so the idea of touching your partner after touching a baby all day can feel likerepulsive, even if it has nothing to do with how you feel about yourpartner.
Soyeah, there's a lot of obstacles in the way of intimacy andparenthood.
So you're up against a lot rightnow.
But I promise it's not all badnews.
It's just a matter ofperspective.
We have to mature our relationship tointimacy, that for a lot of us right sex is something it's very taboo in ourculture, and a lot of us are coming into adulthood with very child-ish views aboutsex.
Take awaytwo. Brought in your idea ofintimacy.
Too often Aaron says we think of sex as having a singulargoal.
And of course I'm not opposed to orgowns oranything, but you have to expand your repertoire and definition of what is intimacymean.
Can you hold being turned on without having to do anything about it or releaseit?
Can you feel the pleasure ofhandholding, ofcuddling, ofkissing, of making out without it needing to goanywhere?
Thisidea, especially for couples who often don't have the time or capacity to be with each other in the same way they did beforekids, is simple butcrucial.
A lack of sex does not and should not have to equate to a lack ofconnection.
Lots ofkissing, lots of touching forplaying, becomes so integral and it's so important to take it out of thebedroom, especially after having kids because you can start to feel like roboticroommates.
So you do need those soft moments betweenyou, and that just may be all the intimate connection youhave.
Holdhands. Put a post-it note on the coffeemaker, come home with your hubby's favoritesnack.
Think about all the ways you interacted with each other before you started havingsex.
Joke,flirt,tickle,tease.
Chance has compliments and words about formation can go a longway.
You need that person to look at you and belike,wow, you'rereally, you're rockingthis.
Like that was a really hard moment and you hada, youknow, you were put in a really tough spot and you did the best that you coulddo.
Whatever itis, compliment theparenting, I think that really does leave a pathway for intimacy and for connection because you just don't feel asjudged.
And then once you get pastthat, that's when you can get to a place where maybe get a little spit up on yourshirt.
You take it off and the person can belike,wow, your shoulders lookgreat.
Okay,cool. You're changing thediaper, your bent over a littlebit, they walk by and they'relike, you didn't have thatbefore,baby, I likeit.
You'relike,stop. And if we're talking strictly between thesheets, don't forget there's a menu of options to work with theretoo.
Sex iswide-ranging. So maybe some forms of sex feel more comfortable right now than other forms ofsex.
Touchingcentrally, oralsex, like all of these things are on thetable, depending on like the comfort level of bothpeople.
And let's acknowledge here for a lot ofpeople, physical touch is still reallyimportant.
So if sex is off the table for you rightnow, get specific aboutthat.
Cancuddle, satisfy thatneed,kissing, backrubs.
Do what you can to meet your partner where they'reat.
And validating that and not put theologizing people for where theyare.
I think that's the biggestthing.
Sometimes birthing partners arelike, how could you expect anything from me given everything that I've just beenthrough?
Andsure, like you have been through alot.
Andalso, I think that it is really important for both people to have their needs and where they are acknowledged and validated andsay, how can we be creative about meeting theseneeds?
Which brings us to take awaythree.
Rediscover yourturn-ons.
Because separate from all those everyday barriers that can get in the way of postpartumintimacy, it can also just be really difficult to know and name what you actuallywant.
Do you ever taste something and you know what you're tasting and someone'slike, what is itlike?
And you'relike,zesty.
You just don't have to have the functional language to describe exactly what you'reexperiencing.
That happens a lot when it comes to intimacy where it's not even just that we don't know how to talk to ourpartner.
We actually don't even know what tosay.
That's a really bigthing.
So asking your partner to guess what you want while also kind of trying to guess what they want is just a really tall order and a recipe for disaster in manycases.
Closing thatgap, finding the language you need to talk about what you want or don'twant, what you might want to try requires educatingyourself.
Chances, free resources like websites and podcasts can reallyhelp.
So you're already off to a greatstart.
That's off toyou. Sexual health alliance has a great starter kit for talking about sex andrelationships, so does planparenthood.
And then of course there are a lot of other great paid options likebooks, educationalcourses, ortherapy, but outside sources can only take you sofar.
You also need to interrogate your own personaldesire.
Chances suggest starting with any version of a turn on quiz that can help youdecipher.
What is the specific thing that you require that turns you from a state of no arousal to arousal being apossibility?
And she says there's a wide spectrum of answers to thatquestion.
In her version of thatquiz, forexample, some people might find their trigger is dirtytalk.
Others might find their influence by theirenvironment.
Like if the house is amess, it's nothappening.
And that's where something called chore play comes intoplay.
We'rein, instead of yourpartner, youknow, coming onto and saying really sexythings, them just cleaning thekitchen, impacting the kidslunch, or setting up the bottle to be warmed atnight, whatever it is that you can actually be present is veryimportant.
Then once you know what flips yourswitch, it's important to understanddesire.
Chances, you can think about desire in four generalstages.
The first is the no desirezone.
You turn the handle and there's just nothing coming out of thefaucet.
The second is spontaneousdesire.
That's what it soundslike.
I just feelit. You just feel it to help witheverything.
Like our bodies are really the captains right now and we're both really happy to let thatgo.
And letflow. Then there's responsivedesire, which is the kind that builds when you're doing somethingsexy.
You'repleasurable. It's a badanalogy, but think of this one kind of like going to spin class at thegym.
You get there and you're not sure you're really up forit.
But you know that once you get into the flow 10 minutesin, you start thatsweat, your heartbeat goesup, you're having a goodtime.
And afterwards you'relike, I'm so glad I didthat.
It doesn't change the fact that the next time you have aclass, you'd belike, I do not want to do this and not in themood.
So you actually kind of know though the days that you'relike,really, I'm not going that spin class and the times that you'relike, you can pushyourself, you cango, you're going to be glad you did and nine to 10 times youare.
But ofcourse, if you're getting intimate and you're not feelingit, you always absolutely have the right tostop.
Finally, there's companion it or compassionatedesire, which is when you just want to do something nice for yourpartner.
Imean, I don't know how graphic you guys want me toget, but there's definitely times where I identify with my partner thatlike, I'm not in themood, but I do want to do this foryou.
So here's what we can dotogether.
And that's somethingthat, youknow, if your relationship is all companiondesire, you definitely have to have a much broaderconversation.
And when it's companion desire at the cost of your nodesire, that's not asolution.
But I think a healthy mix of all four is really normal in arelationship.
So take stock foryourself.
What really gets yougoing?
What levels of desire are you workingwith?
And are you okay with where you're at right now on an individuallevel?
Ifnot, push yourself to investigatewhy.
What usually turns meon, are those thingspresent?
Is there a problem with mybody?
Should I go have a conversation with mydoctor?
Is there something that we're not doing in the dynamic that we could be doing moreof?
So I never think that there is a point that you need to get to sixweeks, eightmonths, eight years after where you should belike,wow, this much time haspassed.
I'm going to bite the bullet and just do italready.
But the age old questionremains.
What happens in those moments when the mood strikes for only one ofyou?
Your partner turns toyou, gives you alook, maybe offers you a neckmassage.
One of the things that we need to work on as a society is how we initiatesex.
Because I think it can feel reallyoff-putting.
There's noconversations.
It'slike, I'm going to do this thing that you know signals I want to have sex withyou.
There's noinvitation, there's noon-ramping, it's just this abruptthing.
And so when you do that to yourpartner, what happens inside of them naturally is I need to make a yes or no decision rightnow.
So I'm like forced into this binarysituation.
If you're the initiator in thisscenario, Aaronsays, do itdifferently.
Talk aboutit. Share yourdesire.
Share what you'rethinking.
Ask if your partner is open toit.
And if you're on the receivingend, don't automatically shut your partnerdown.
Don'tdefault. Check in with yourself and see if you are open to starting and seeing if something happens or you're open to some version ofit.
Yeah, I don't think I'm open to sextonight, but I would be interested in cuddling or maybe even making outlike, youknow, see if you're open to somethingelse.
That leads me to our finaltakeaway.
Take away for you have to make the time for eachother.
I know it'sobvious, but getting intimately in sync requires putting in the manhours.
A lot of peoplethink,oh,well, we're both in the same page about the baby being thepriority.
So we don't need to set aside thistime.
But then you look up and then spend three months or six months or a year and you've not spent any quality time with your partner that hasn't revolved around logistics and no one wantsthat.
My wife and I wouldsay, unless it's a literalemergency, I don't care how tired weare.
We are doingthis. We're having a little date in ourhouse.
Baby goes tobed. We cross thisthreshold.
Maybe we put down a blanket for it in the livingroom.
And now it's it'sdaytime.
Andlisten, you don't have to make every date night a bigproduction.
Although go for it if that works foryou.
The only essential is making this time a truepriority.
Free from baby or logisticstalk.
And I hear you protesting outthere.
It's just so not sexy to schedulesex.
Shans got youbeat. I think it's a very beautifulthing.
I honestly believe that majority of us scheduled sex when we first started datingpeople.
Like, what are you doinglater?
Okay,cool. Come by around 8p.m.
We know it's going tohappen,right?
I'mshaving. I'mprepping.
Like, we have scheduledsex.
So I don't think that's a negative thing todo.
And it gets people with something to look forwardto,right?
So if you're missing your partner throughout the week and you know that you want to ask for like asnuggle, but it feels like they're too stretched or you're too stretched and you don't even know how to formulate thequestion.
You know that on Wednesday when the day of you goesdown, it'stime.
And you guys have blocked out like 30 minutes foryourselves.
Now, one exception to the schedulingrule.
Shans advises not planning out the first time you havesex.
Because it can just be a recipe fordisappointment.
Instead, shesays, maybe set a time to revisit the conversation and see how you bothfeel.
Which is the other necessary component of making the time for eachother.
It's not just about cute date nights in a pillowfort.
It's also about carving out space to dig deeper and talk about your sexlife.
As imperfect or awkward or half-baked as those conversations are likely to be in thesewild,wild, new parenttimes.
One practice that can set you up for success and help you get in sync is something called a sensuality trade-offpractice, also referred to as sunsetfocus.
All you do is set aside some structuredtime.
So put that sacred date night on thecalendar.
Then you would get a handful of minutes each person to be the giver and thereceiver.
And you get to practice sharing openly what you're desiring and the other of you gets to practice responding tothat, consenting tothat, not consenting tothat, negotiatingthat.
And I find that like our instinct when things are hard is to turn away from it and then tell ourselvesstories, I'm just not going to bring it up anymore because they don't wantit.
When it's the opposite of what you shoulddo, you should create morestructure, go toward itmore, have more conversations about it and create some way that feels safe to you to engage inthat.
Andyes, it's awkward to raise the topic of mismatchlibidos.
It can be super weird to talk to your spouse about body image or vaginaldryness.
But me and I remindyou, you brought a whole human being into the worldtogether.
That you're now raising every singleday.
You can dohard. You can domessy.
And you will be better forit.
There's a lot of research that shows the more that you are able to talk aboutsex, the better your sex lifeis.
And this is part ofit. Being able to really connect with yourself and not be hedging when you're bringing it up that you'relike, this is what I'd like todo.
Here's how I'mfeeling.
Make room for both of your experiences and for feeling all of yourfeelings.
Remember, this is a special time in yourlife.
It's not always going to beeasy, but it's a fight you're fighting together with and for eachother.
You do have to sacrifice and make a choice at a certain point in yourrelationship.
Butlike, am I just going to go to bed when the kid goesbig, so I'mexhausted?
Or am I going to getup? So we actually have some intimate alone timetogether.
So you do have to do some kicking and screaming andfighting.
Sometimes you just have to letgo, let the current takeyou.
Andno, you're going to get through this one way or theother.
It's just better to get through ittogether.
Allright,team, let'srecap.
Take awayone. Remove any and all pressure to havesex.
See that six-week marker as an opportunity to check in with eachother, not a startingline.
Take awaytwo. Brought in your idea ofintimacy.
Flirt,tease. Sneak a little make-outsession.
Find the joy in the littlethings.
Take awaythree. Rediscover yourturn-hands.
Learn to name your needs and understand yourdesire.
Take awayfour. Make time for a couple oftimes.
Don't be scared of having hard conversations about sex with yourpartner.
The more you talk aboutit, the easier it can be toconnect.
For more lifekit, check out our otherepisodes.
We've got one and how to divide a household labor fairly and another on how to handleconflict.
You can find those atNPR.org-slash-life-kit.
And if you love life kit and wantmore, subscribe to our newsletter atNPR.org-slash-life-kit-newsletter.
Also, we'd love to hear fromyou.
If you have episode ideas or feedback you want toshare, email us atlifekit-nbr.org.
This episode of Life Kit was produced by SylvieDouglas.
Mary Alseguera is ourhost.
Our visual editor is BeckHarlan.
Our digital editor is MalikAgreeb.
Megan Cain is the supervisingeditor.
Bethanaviz is executiveproducer.
Our production team also includes Clamary Schneider and MargaretSereno.
Engineering support comes from MaggieLuther.
And a very special thanks toDr.
RitaRaja, who we also interviewed on background for thisepisode.
I'm AndyTegel. Thanks forlistening.
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