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Hi everybody, it's Robin.
And I am soon to be joined by Kaysunga.
And we are gonna answer some fantastic questions today about learning how to be more emotionally independent, setting up morning routines and maybe how to be a little less self-reflective.
Now that is an interesting one.
So let's dive in.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day, someone you could lean on for their advice, someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
Hi Kisanga, it is so good to see your face even if it is virtual.
I know.
Well, greetings.
Greetings, Robin.
I always look forward to the next time we're able to be in person.
But for right now, in this moment, present moment awareness, this is what we got.
And I am grateful.
How are you doing?
I'm good.
I'm good.
But I want to ask you, you heard the topics for today.
I think they're pretty darn good questions.
Are there any right out of the gate that are piquing your interest?
No, all very relatable.
I love the morning routines.
I'm very curious about that one, because that's something that I recently have been dealing with on a personal level.
So I'm very curious.
I'm very curious where that's going to lead us.
Okay.
Well, I'm also curious about how to be less self-reflective and I can't wait.
All right.
Let's not keep folks waiting any longer.
Let's go to our first question from Cassie.
All right.
G'day, Headspace.
This is Cassie from Australia.
And my question is, how can I be a bit less self-reflective?
I take a bit of pride in being self-aware, self-reflective.
I enjoy the process of observing thoughts and emotions, but I think that this can get a little bit micromanaging, I think, for me, where being constantly or relentlessly perhaps, or concerned with reflecting on the thoughts so much can make it a bit harder to just be, perhaps.
So yeah, any tips on how to just self-reflect but also chill?
Self-reflect and chill, please.
Thank you so much for your time.
That's it right there.
And I like the pause before and just chill.
Can I get off my own back?
No, seriously, seriously.
Cassie, thank you for this question.
Actually, this question kind of hits home also because I can still relate to this.
I think I've mentioned in the past.
I tend to be a very nostalgic person, where I really enjoy taking the time to just self-reflect and think about things that have transpired.
Think about lessons that have been learned, experiences that have been experienced.
And so you know, I guess the first thing, the first tip, if you will Cassie, is to not be hard on yourself and not judge yourself for enjoying these moments of self-reflection.
I think that they're quite important.
Absolutely.
And I also wonder in the question there's a difference between self-reflection and obsessing about thoughts.
And this feels like it's the crux of meditation and being in the moment.
So I'm curious what you have to say about that.
Because Cassie didn't give us too much information, so we're kind of have to extrapolate some ideas of what it could be.
I don't get the sense of obsessive thoughts with Cassie.
Yeah.
No, it didn't sound like that's where she was at.
Yeah.
The mere fact that she uses the term self-reflection kind of implies that it's really intentional reflection on whatever it is that she's experiencing.
It gets tricky sometimes. is that these moments of self-reflection can easily shift and pull you in.
And so then it becomes, before you know it, you are in a space of not obsessively thinking, but just in a space of reflecting and just I mean, I've done it myself where I'm just literally, Before I know it, a half hour has passed by and I'm just in thought.
Like circling the drain a little bit.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
Mulling things over, over and over again.
Something that and I've mentioned this before, something that I literally do because I know that it's so easy for self-reflection to pull you in is I set aside because I enjoy that time so much?
And it's actually necessary for me.
And it sounds like it's necessary for Cassie.
It's part of her nature.
Yeah.
Set aside time to do that.
Yeah.
Like really intentional, deliberate time.
So remembering...
The definition of mindfulness, right?
Where we're paying attention to the present moment on purpose.
Yes.
So there's intention here.
There's deliberateness here.
It's not by coincidence.
So set that time aside on purpose.
Or even she could pair it up with an activity you know running or whatever, where you have time to think.
That's a great idea.
So I've paired it up with showering because I don't know if...
No, and you're laughing.
Only because.
I just didn't see that coming.
I had just taken a drink.
I'm sorry.
Showering.
Showering.
Great ideas come in the shower.
They really do.
Don't they?
Yeah.
However, if you're not careful, you'll be in the shower forever.
So even in that moment, like I literally set an alarm.
When that alarm goes off, it's like, oh, okay.
It's time to it's time to pull it together.
Well, and you know, I'm such an avid proponent of journaling as well, because I think that that's like you can say I'm going to write two pages, because I think journaling is such a great way to be self-reflective as well.
But then there's a beginning, middle and an end.
Yeah, I think journaling.
I'm a huge proponent for journaling also.
Something I do want to mention to Cassie is just kind of circling it back around to to practice.
I don't know what you're. meditation practice looks like, Cassie.
But I do know that a consistent practice will help you to cultivate that skill of self-reflection and knowing when it's time to move on and to stop, and the timing of it all.
Yeah.
What would you look for for knowing when you're in too deep?
I think sometimes I can end up If I'm arguing with myself, I think that's a cue.
Like maybe I need to wrap this up.
But like what are other things that you could think of?
That would be – all right, we've had enough time with this.
Repetition.
I think for me repetition is a cue.
Like, okay, you're kind of beating a dead horse now.
We've said this.
We've said this.
Everything's okay.
Because I do think there's a self-soothing that can come in self-reflection too of like when –
When you're thinking about something that's maybe something that's going to be happening, that there's anxiety around, or when you're thinking about something that might be coming up, that you're nervous about, you know like, and you're just spinning and going around in circles about well, if I go there, if I go there, and then after that it'll be this.
Like, that's how I know that I'm down a rabbit hole.
Yeah, right.
Exactly.
Down a rabbit hole.
So, right.
So in the beginning, it might feel good, right, to do that self-reflection.
Like, okay, yeah, I'm in a good space.
But when it starts to shift a little bit into that anxious space, then, OK, that's a cue.
All right.
It might be time for me to pull it together and to move on.
All right.
So let's just say Cassie recognizes that she's in a place like that.
She's starting to obsess a little and, you know, she's she's heading down the drain on this.
What's next?
Like, how do you get yourself out of that?
Like the timing thing is great, you know, putting it to different activities.
But like, let's just say she didn't put a timer on and she wandered off.
Now what?
Yeah.
Well, either way.
Right.
Even if she did put the timer on or if she didn't.
But she realizes that she's in the space of self-reflection.
And it's time to maybe pause for a bit.
It's time to move on.
So this is going to look different for everyone.
But maybe that's actually what I love about.
What you said about journaling is that kind of that beginning, middle and end.
Right.
Yeah.
So with journaling, there is usually an end.
OK, I'm finished that thought.
Boom, I'm done.
But also finding that activity that resonates with you, whether it is going for a walk, going for a run.
Yeah.
For me, I love to turn on a good movie.
Right.
I'm a big movie buff.
So I might turn on a movie.
I might play a video game.
Yeah.
I might read a book.
Right.
So just finding that activity, that next activity that will help you to transition.
Yeah.
That relaxes you.
Right.
Yeah.
And it kind of is just that transition out of that space of self-reflection.
And, you know, it's not about ignoring, right?
It's not ignoring or trying to distract.
It's allowing yourself that time, that deliberate time, that mindful time to self-reflect.
And now I'm intentionally shifting my attention.
Now you're bringing in the chill.
All right.
Well, thank you so much for your question, Cassie.
It was really wonderful.
I think so many of us can relate to it.
And we appreciate you sending it in to us.
Thank you so much, Cassie.
Okay, let's take our next question from Sue.
Hi, dear Headspace.
My name is Sue.
I'm from China.
I've been listening to Radio Headspace for over two years now, and it's been very helpful.
So today I have a question, which is how can we become emotionally independent?
Currently, I'm still the kind of person that needs emotional support from others, either family or friends but I don't have a family.
So my friends are the only source of my emotion support.
But as we get older, they get married, they have kids.
They don't have time for me anymore most of the time.
So when I need to talk to someone, they're not there.
And I just couldn't get out of this emotional trap.
Like when I feel so lonely sometimes i i just couldn't continue to do things i was supposed to do, like tonight, and i'm staying up late because i i don't have someone, i don't have nobody to talk to.
Oh sue, that that question's a little, a little heartbreaking.
Yeah, absolutely i'm curious about your relationship with with yourself and yeah, you know, it sounds like you've relied on your friends For this emotional support, for this emotional dependency, and nothing wrong with that at all.
I mean, friends are a beautiful thing.
Friendships are a beautiful thing.
And I'm glad that you've had those friendships.
And, as you've stated, you know they.
They sound like they're transitioning into a different stage in their lives as far as family and children.
And so I'm curious if you've been able to cultivate a relationship with yourself, because now that they're not as readily available, having this time for just you and yourself, it can be hella scary.
Loneliness does creep in.
So I am curious if you've had the opportunity to be with yourself and to cultivate this relationship with yourself.
And if the answer is no... then perhaps shifting your perspective into, wow, you know what?
I've never had the opportunity to be with myself, to cultivate this relationship with myself.
To trust yourself.
Right.
All of that comes with this, trusting yourself, trusting your perspective.
What do I think about this absent of my friend's input?
Yeah.
What does Sue feel about this, that, and the other, this experience, right?
So kind of stepping into this space of what I like to call empowering solitude and just shifting your perspective from loneliness to empowered solitude.
And again, loneliness is a very real emotion.
So by no means ignoring it or trying to act like it's not present.
Acknowledging it.
Okay, yes, I'm in a space of loneliness right now.
This is what's here.
And I have an opportunity right now to really step into this space of empowered solitude that I've never really allowed myself to be in before.
I wonder what that's going to be like.
Yeah.
You know, what if I really embrace this moment?
That's such a great point, Kisanga.
It really is because it's like your relationship with yourself is the foundation of everything.
But I was also thinking about when I was listening to the question.
I was also thinking about a therapist right, you know, like there could be all kinds of connections as to why you know you don't have that trust in yourself, and having another person to help sort through that, I think, could be really helpful.
And there's group therapy, you know, there's, Depending on, again, what the problems are.
There's 12-step stuff.
There's all kinds of – there's life coaches.
If it's – you know, there's just so many people out there that can help you work through the stuff that's in your head.
And I just can never – I don't think we can ever say that too much.
Well, you know, I guess, you know, we're totally biased, but yes.
Yes.
That is true.
That is true.
We're huge advocates for therapy, for coaching therapy.
And so I am curious about what your actual practice looks like.
And the reason why I ask that is because it's oftentimes we listen and we hear great advice and we hear great information and it empowers us.
And it's like, wow, yeah.
You know, I think of like even like with exercise.
You know, if I'm thinking about CrossFit, let's just say, for example, or Peloton, whatever it is.
Yeah, that sounds really good.
Yeah, yeah.
You feel empowered listening to it.
And right afterwards, it's like, okay.
Cut to yelling at your children.
Right.
So I think it's great.
And I'm curious if you're actually allowing yourself to embrace that.
A mindfulness and meditation practice in your, in your actual life, because I know that having a consistent practice will will help you.
Yeah.
And it can actually decrease the the emotional feelings that you are experiencing.
Yeah.
And there's just, there's something in there.
You know you've said about loneliness, but there's something in this question about, like I just keep thinking about how, how to find that voice within yourself, because we are our person in so many ways, and learning to trust and believe in yourself and and going back to whatever that was that caused you to not believe in yourself.
Yeah.
And looking at that.
No, I think that's spot on, Robin.
I think that's spot on.
And and I would add to that the whole notion of that self-compassion and self-love.
Yeah.
Because something I did hear Sue say, she used the term emotional trap.
And for me, that kind of implies that there's some level of negative judgment coming from Sue.
So Sue, yeah, I would really be compassionate.
You know, be compassionate with yourself, be gentle with yourself during this transition, stepping into that space of self-compassion self-love, and knowing that as you cultivate this relationship with Sue, with yourself, it will, I believe, further deepen your relationship with others.
Yeah.
Because it really starts from within.
I love that you called it a transitional time as well Kisongo, because it's like, Just because you don't have that for yourself right now doesn't mean that you'll never have it.
And I love that that was in her question of like, how do I?
She wants to do this.
I feel like that's half the battle sometimes.
Yeah.
I know I say this often about having a personal practice.
Wait, you talk about personal practices?
I kid, I kid, I kid, I kid.
I know.
I know that it leads to wiser and more skillful decision making and choices.
Absolutely.
And I'm just speaking from self experience.
The choices that I've made that have totally shifted.
Like even I heard Sue say, even now I find myself awake because I don't have anyone to talk to.
Yeah.
Maybe the answer is literally the choice, the decision is to gently go to sleep.
Allow yourself to lay down and try and get some sleep.
Just that those choices, the decision making was wise.
She said it was wise choices.
Well, and good luck, Sue.
You're going to find your people.
You're going to find those that can help you.
And you're going to find yourself.
I mean, I have I have great faith in that.
Absolutely.
And thank you again for your for your question, Sue.
And just remembering that that self-compassion.
Absolutely.
OK, we will be right back.
All right, it is time for our third question from Gabriel.
Hi, Headspace.
My name is Gabriel.
I'm from Seattle, Washington.
And thank you for all you do.
I wanted to ask for any tips or advice you had for your morning routines or my morning routine.
I'm not much of a morning person.
I have trouble getting up early in the morning and, in general, being efficient and doing things in the morning that would best prepare me to be ready for the day, such as exercise yoga meditation, eat breakfast.
These are all things that I usually feel like I have to end up picking and choosing what to do.
And oftentimes I'm running a bit late to work, and we just wanted to see what advice you all may have to be better in the morning about getting up and finding a good morning routine for myself.
Thank you.
This one gets categorized under relatable for many, many people, right?
For sure.
Especially the prioritizing.
That was the first thing that I heard was just because I think I can get up and I can get ready early and I can do a lot of things, but I can't do all the things I want to do.
Gabriel, thank you for your question, man.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for your question.
Like Robin said, this is so, so relatable.
I mean, this hits home with me because I'm not a morning.
My wife is a morning person.
I've never really been a morning person.
I used to just watch her.
I still watch her in awe.
Like, wow, that's amazing.
You know, the first thing is I'm just really curious.
And this is this is something I've asked myself, you know, in trying to shift into a space of being more productive in the morning.
What's getting in the way?
Something's getting in the way because you heard lateness in there, too.
Exactly.
Exactly.
What's getting in the way of you being this morning person and having this morning routine that I hear you say that you desire right?
And the reason I asked this.
This is a very important question because knowing the answer to this question is the first step, right.
It can really help you in rectifying the entire situation and shifting into a space that you want to.
I mean, like for myself, again, I can just keep it, I'm just keeping it at home for myself.
I'm a night owl.
I'm a night owl.
So I was staying up late.
I was just going to say, are you staying up too late?
Exactly.
Exactly.
There's no way I could stay up late and then expect to be a morning person and do all of the things I want to get done in the morning and have a morning routine.
Yeah.
So really, you know asking yourself what is getting in the way of you not having this morning routine that I hear you say that you desire.
I also hear some self-judgment in this question too, because to me I do feel like there's this The morning routine is the best.
And if I don't have one, I'm somehow this lesser person.
Because why can't you do some of your prep work the night before?
If you are better at night, you know, could you lay out your clothes the night before?
Could you look at your?
– I try to look at my calendar for the next day the night before, so that I don't you know.
Wake up and be like wait oh, I have a meeting in a half hour.
You know, what things can you get off your plate at night?
Maybe exercising in the morning isn't your thing.
Maybe that's not when you're best.
I'm just saying that maybe Gabriel, you should go a little easier on yourself and put it where it belongs.
That sounds really like a weird way to say it, but put the task where you would do it best.
No, no.
I love that.
I love that.
Put it where it belongs.
We're going to make a t-shirt.
Put it where it belongs.
But I do love everything you said.
I love everything you said because...
Everybody is different.
You know, there is this, this idea that you're supposed to, almost like you're supposed to have this this, this productive, or this fantastical morning.
And you just like you said Robin, sure you work well in the morning, but maybe I work best in the afternoon, or I work best in the evening, at night.
Right.
So I think, I think being aware of that and acting accordingly, being gentle with yourself and not judging yourself is is key.
Yeah.
And I love what you first said there, which is also key is why.
Right.
So the first question I asked you is what's getting in the way.
But even before that, maybe asking yourself, why, why do you want this?
To have this morning routine.
Yeah.
And that why question is something that I think oftentimes gets overlooked.
Yes.
So this class, MBSR, mindfulness-based stress reductions, eight-week course.
And so around the fifth week, that's what we do.
The beginning of that class we say let's pause and let's revisit the reasons why you even decided to take this class in the first place.
Why are you trying to embrace this notion of mindfulness and meditation?
Why are you trying to incorporate this lifestyle and shift it into this lifestyle?
Because it is a lifestyle shift.
Yeah.
Why are you doing it?
Yeah.
Right?
So revisiting that intention that you set can be a game changer.
So again, bringing it back to myself.
Yes, I'm a night owl.
I tend to get a second wind at night.
And when I do get My seven, eight hours of sleep, I realized I feel even better in the morning.
Yep.
Right.
I love that feeling of waking up well rested and being able to be productive.
Yep.
That was my why.
What is your why, Gabriel?
I absolutely love that, because I think there are many times we're doing things wrong because someone said something or that we don't even understand.
Like I remember I was working out at night at one point and I was so proud of myself because it's like I was struggling with weight and I was, you know, and my friend was like you know, it's really best that you work out in the morning, just because it kicks your metabolism off.
And I remember like I was livid because I was like it's a big deal.
I got here and this is when it works in my life right now.
But for a very long time I was trying to work out in the morning, just because that friend said that.
And then when I let that go and I was like, it just matters that I do it.
Then I was able to let that go.
And it was like, oh, well, that was dumb.
Yeah.
That was what worked for her, but not for me.
We're all walking on different paths, right?
You know, it's that awareness that am I.
Am I doing this just because they're saying or someone else is saying it?
Or is this do I want this for myself genuinely?
Yeah.
So that why. is important.
A tip that has worked for me is positive affirmations.
In what way?
What do you mean?
I'm not a morning person.
Yes, that's it.
I really stopped saying that.
Yeah.
I really, really have.
I just stopped saying that because if I keep saying, yeah, I'm not a morning person.
Guess what?
You're not going to be a morning person.
Exactly.
You're not going to be a morning person.
So even if you don't wholeheartedly believe it yet, allowing yourself to say, I am a morning person.
Yeah.
I also.
I mean on your affirmations.
I think it's okay to affirm yourself and say I'm okay just as I am.
Because it can sometimes be about not changing yourself and adapting to the way you are, depending on what it is you want.
No, I wholeheartedly agree, Robin.
It doesn't have to be anything super specific.
It can be, I am whole just as I am.
Yeah.
And to close out, Robin, you know what I'm going to say.
I am curious Gabriel, what your practice looks like.
You know, because having that consistent practice kind of gives you that introspection, that ability to make that wise decision.
Yeah.
Well Gabriel, I hope that you send us some kind of a Google Doc that includes what your morning routine or what your day routine looks like when you're done, because I'm curious now.
How does this all shake out?
I know.
But thank you, Gabriel.
Thank you so much for your question.
Truly appreciate it.
And yeah, do keep us posted.
Do keep us posted on how your journey ensues.
Well, I'm going to say this.
I am thankful that our morning routine on Tuesdays especially includes recording Dear Headspace because, I'm not going to lie, it does start my day off in the right direction.
It really does.
I thoroughly enjoy and I cherish these moments where I'm able to sit with these questions from our users and our listeners and able to answer them and honestly, i learned a lot about myself also.
I get i know yeah, i get some insight onto to my life's journey also, so i think that was part of like.
When we're talking about going on hiatus and and losing part of my practice, it was this recording this podcast does ground me because we're having these conversations on the regular and it's just, it's such a nice thing to be a part of.
And there was just so much that i related to in the questions today.
I do want to give, if it's OK.
I always like to give some kind of suggestion.
Yeah.
And so today's questions, there are some headspace suggestions that really came to mind.
There's a meditation called Clear Intentions.
I think that that kind of hits home or came to mind to me today.
There's also a shine meditation that's called Set Your Daily Intentions.
And that's kind of also relatable to what we talked about today.
And then, of course, reframing your loneliness, reframing the loneliness course that's also in the app.
And on that note, a huge, huge, huge thank you to Cassie, Sue, and Gabriel for your thoughtful questions.
And if you're listening right now, you're at home, you're wherever you are and you are like.
I have a question that I would like to get answered by a wise meditation teacher.
All you have to do is head to sayhi.chat slash Dear Headspace, record your question.
And of course, that link is in the show notes.
And if we do, if we are able to use your question in the show, we're going to give you three months of headspace for free.
Three months, headspace for free.
Three months.
Totally worth it.
And so, Robin, now it's my turn to give everyone a little something.
I want to give you time, for you to just basically sit with everything that was said, everything that was heard today.
It's a time of transition into your next part of whatever activity you're getting into next.
What we're going to do is we're going to leave you with the sounds of the wind in palm trees.
And while you're listening, just allowing your mind to do whatever it wants to do.
So till next time, stay happy, stay healthy.
And be kind to each other, always.
Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones, and Scott Sorenson.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer, Sarah Cohn, Barron Farmer, and Danny Karisamy.
Our production coordinator is Taylor Jennings-Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Kaysonga Gaskombe, Dora Kamau, Samantha Snowden, Eve-Louise Prieto and Rosie Acosta.
Post-production is by Dan Kroll.
Music is by Scott Sorensen and Chris Murgia.
And a special thanks to Colleen Lutz.
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