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The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Shetty.
Jay Shetty. The one, the only, Jay Shetty.
Ha ha! Welcome back to On Purpose.
Today we're talking about something that impacts every decision we make.
Our confidence and self worth.
We all struggle with it at some point, questioning if we're good enough, smart enough, or capable enough.
Maybe it started in childhood, or maybe over time, life's challenges have made us second guess ourselves.
But here's the truth.
Confidence isn't something you're just born with.
It's something you build.
And self -worth isn't just about your accomplishments or success.
It's about how you see yourself at your core.
In this episode, I've gathered insights from some of the best minds to help you quiet self -doubt, recognize your true value, and step into the confidence that's already in you.
Because when you truly believe in yourself, everything changes.
So often, when we're searching for confidence and self -worth, it's easy to feel pressured to try every new trend or practice, as if there's a perfect formula for feeling secure in ourselves.
But real confidence isn't about following the crowd.
It's about tuning out the noise and figuring out what truly works for you.
Kendall Jenner knows that pressure all too well.
Having spent most of her life in the public eye, she's had to learn how to protect her peace, set boundaries and find joy in the simple things.
In this conversation, she opens up about her journey to staying grounded and true to herself.
Let's get into it." Had had a lot of people coming to me telling me about meditation and how it changed their life, and therapy, and so many different things.
And I was a bit overwhelmed, because I was like, oh, my God, what if this is gonna suit me?
I think it's a very personal experience.
I think everybody has a very different version of all of that stuff.
And so, it was a little overwhelming.
So I think I really just took the time to be off for a second.
It was even the little things.
It was like... being able to go to my friend's birthday party which I wouldn't have been able to go to before because I was working a lot.
I love hearing that because I think it is those simple things like, giving yourself that space, whatever it is that you needed to do when you needed it.
And like you said, sometimes it's like, that's when all the subscribe buttons come up in front of you.
And it's like, try this and try this.
And it's like, well, no, no, no, let me just take my time.
It was also now that I think about it, 23, I'm 26, I've had my horse for, so around that time is when I bought the horse that I have now, who is my, like I jump her and I like how I, I have two other horses but they're like retired.
So I don't really ride them the same way I ride her.
So yeah, I guess it was around that time too that I was like, I'm gonna do this because I love this.
And like I want to get back into it and this is what I've loved my whole life, so.
So it was around that time that I feel like all of that started happening and I bought my horse and I like started taking more time for things that made me really happy.
Yeah, what I what I'm noticing in you and observing or at least from just that no I was just saying it's like it feels like no matter what's happening in your orbit There's this pillar of belief that it's important to be happy Yeah, like, you know that's like this core center belief in your life for its your shaw important to be happy It's important to be happy.
It's that has to be the goal for sure.
And you know, it's not always it's always easy.
We live in such an interesting industry and in such an interesting time with social media that it can be very hard sometimes.
You can fall victim to so many things that don't serve you and that don't make you happy.
If your happiness depends on the actions of others, you know, you're at mercy of things that you can't control.
And that's never where I wanna be.
So, I always wanna live in like...
Me and my therapist talk about like my higher goddess, my higher self.
Like, I always wanna live there, knowing that, you know, when I'm there, you can't take that away from me, that's mine.
And no matter what, you can disagree with me, you can agree with me.
That's not going...
I'm not changing, I'm not shifting.
I'm here, I'm in my higher goddess.
So, I kind of, I always live by like...
holding my happiness and not letting anyone else affect it.
And though I fall victim to it at times, as we all probably do, I strive every day to live in that place, so...
What are some of the qualities of your higher goddess?
So that kind of avatar?
She's awesome. Like I said, I don't love a pity party.
I also, like, you know, sometimes it feels weird to, like, say good things about yourself.
But I've also learned a lot about talking to myself and a lot about looking in the mirror and being like, you're great, you're gorgeous, you're amazing, you're loyal, you're positive, you're so many, like I love words of affirmation, I love just sitting there and reassuring myself of who I am because that's another thing for me.
You know, there's so many false narratives about me, about all of us, I'm sure.
Like so many people think they have you figured out when they don't even know the half of it.
So sitting there and being like, you get frustrated sometimes.
It could feel really unfair.
You could be reading something that someone is saying about you or hearing something that someone's saying about you and being like that is so unfair because that's not who I am.
And that really gets to me sometimes and that really sucks.
But then looking at myself in the mirror and being like, but I know who I am and that's all, why does anything else matter?
And my friends know who I am and my family knows who I am, my dog knows who I am, my horse knows who I am, Like, why does any of everything else is just noise?
I do this exercise, I don't think I've shared this before, but I do this exercise with some of my clients where we'll go on a walk and we'll be on a hike wherever we are.
And I'll ask them what they think a piece of...
You know, maybe there's a little leaf or maybe there's, um, a flower or something that looks a little unique on the path, and I'll say, what do you think that feels like?
And what do you think it would feel like if you picked it up in your hand?
And they'll be like, oh, it looks really rough and like, it might scratch me and like, it looks like a bit, you know, like, uneven or whatever, and it looks kind of hard and strong.
And then I'll ask them to pick it up.
And nine times out of ten, it's completely different.
Like, they'll pick it up and it will just dissolve in their hands.
Or they'll turn it over and the color's really soft. Sorry, the shape's really soft and the color's totally different on the other side.
And I do that exercise to help us realize just how multifaceted humans are.
Today, I've got to meet you and obviously we're spending of deep, intimate, vulnerable time together.
So you learn faster about someone.
But if someone only follows someone on social media, or only sees someone at an event, or only sees one interview, it's so easy to create such a singular view of someone.
And I think, and I wanna say this because I really think we all feel it, I don't think anyone wants to be seen in a singular way.
If you had to choose one word that had to be you for the rest of your life, I don't think anyone wants that.
I think we all know that we're messy, and complex, and different, but we like to put someone else in a box, whoever that may be, because it's easier then to live life and say, okay, well, that's persons A, B.
Yeah, I know. So there's this beautiful piece of wisdom that I always share from Charles Houghton Cooley and he wrote this in 1890, I think it was, which just shows how true this has been for such a long time and obviously long before that as well.
and he said, the challenge today is, I'm not what I think I am, I'm not what you think I am, I am what I think you think I am.
And we'll let that blow everyone's minds.
It gives me chills every time I say it.
Charles Horton Cooley said, the challenge today is I'm not what I think I am, I'm not what you think I am, I am what I think you think I am.
And what he's trying to say is that we live in a perception of a perception of ourselves.
so if I think you think I'm smart, then I allow myself to feel smart.
It's like we need that validation.
We need that validation.
Or if I think you think I'm not smart, then I feel hurt.
And the challenge is, I don't know what you're thinking at all or especially outside in the world.
And so I find that what you're saying around, like well, what do I think about myself?
Like, how do I feel about myself?
How do the people that actually know me feel about me?
I think that's really empowering.
There are times in life when we feel disconnected from ourselves, as if we've lost our sense of who we are.
It can happen after a big life change, the grind of a demanding job, or even just getting stuck in the routine of everyday life.
For Vanessa Hudgens, that moment came after filming a series of emotionally intense movies.
She found herself questioning her identity and searching for a way to reconnect.
Yet instead of staying in that uncertainty, she took a leap, one that felt scary, but ultimately led her back to herself.
Let's dive into how stepping outside her comfort zone helped her rediscover her confidence and self -worth.
I feel like my first solo trip was when I was like, it was right after I did a stint of like really heavy, emotionally demanding movies.
I think Gimme Shelter was the last one of that, and I came home and I like genuinely did not know who Vanessa was.
I had like gotten so off on becoming this other person and like genuinely changed my mindset.
The way that I looked, I put on like 20 pounds, cut off all my hair.
like all the things that made me me were not there anymore.
And I was like I need to do something because I'm like, scared, cause I don't know who I am.
And I was like, okay, we're gonna go on a yoga retreat.
My publicist at the time was like, there's this retreat, they're doing it The Four Seasons.
It was like a practice and I was like, okay, I'm just gonna like go on my own, because that scares me.
And I was very much in that place of like, do the things that scare you because you will evolve, like you're forced to.
And I was like, you know, like a yoga retreat in Hawaii, like that gives me an excuse to be in Hawaii.
But also like have something to do and like know that I'll be around people because like filming as well as an adult, like when I hit 18, I would go off to film things all the time and I would be on my own.
And so like if I wanted to go to dinner like a lot of times I would just go by myself and like bring a book and like I definitely would have those moments where I'm like looking around like kind of trying to lock eyes and engage with anyone.
Preferably would sit at the bar so I could like talk to the bartender cuz like, I love, I love people.
Like I love, I love just like talking to people.
Yeah, but you start using a different part of your brain when you do that Like you start using a different part of your energy where it's like, oh I'm gonna see if I can make something out of nothing Yeah, that's a mindset that you lose as we get older because most of your life is surrounded by the same people, same work people, same life people and so like when you're like oh, I'm trying to talk to the bartender or I'm trying to lock.
Even the idea of locking eyes with someone random Oh my gosh, my favorite thing.
Yeah but it's me. It's my favorite thing, I literally will be driving, and we'll like turn and just look at people if I'm stopped at a red light and try to dance with people.
The other day this guy was listening to a song, we had our windows down, he had his windows down, and me and my girlfriend were just body rolling.
Just like with Locke and I just trying to make this person laugh.
I love that. But the trip, the yoga retreat in Hawaii ended up being so freeing because I was just like, okay, like I'm here on my own, like I'm just gonna like, talk to people that I connect with and like go from there and like genuinely forced me to stay as present as possible because I was engaging with people I know nothing about.
I feel like that's the thing I love about talking to people that you don't know.
Like you're forced to be present because it's like, if you're actually trying to engage, which not everybody does, you know, but then those are the people you don't need to engage with.
But when you find people who you can, you're so present, because you're actually listening.
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Confidence is something we all struggle with at some point.
But where does confidence come from?
how do we build it in a way that feels genuine and lasting?
Claudia Oshri, comedian, podcast host, and social media personality gets candid about her journey with self -image and how love played a role in shaping her confidence.
I really want you to hear her story.
Like what would you say to someone who maybe doesn't have, doesn't wanna go on as emp because they're scared or whatever it may be, but like what would you say with them?
So, I feel like people don't like my answer because when I was struggling with my self -image, I feel like I'm gonna cry now.
Sorry. So much of my confidence, I would say like all of it, came from the fact that I had a husband or a boyfriend at the time, fiance, who loved me so much. And he thought I was like the greatest thing.
And so he thought it, and look at him, like, I just, I love him so much, and so, he thinks I'm so great.
Like, that's nothing you should get your confidence from a man, whatever, but like I did.
just to be loved so, um, unequivocally by somebody who I think is so great, um, that gave me a lot of confidence, like he thought I was the best, he thought I was the smartest, he thought I was the prettiest, so like I was.
Because his opinion is the only one that matters, but also, like, I look at him and I think of him as like so charming, attractive, like who wouldn't want to marry him?
And he likes me? Like, oh my god, I must be, like, the greatest thing ever.
And I really feel like so much of my confidence.
And it's so funny because he says that he gets confidence from me, which I feel like, really happy that it's a two -way street.
But having a relationship that I felt really solid about, but also somebody who just loved me so much, really, um, it just made me believe, like, what he was saying.
Do you know what I mean?
What's interesting to me is just so much of how, whether it's body shaming we do to ourselves or that society does to us, how so much of it is built up around aesthetics and visuals and how health and vitality are actually not based on simply visuals.
No, but I will say visually at the time, like if you were to just compare me visually now and me visually then like, I was very unhealthy.
Like I had a lot of random medical issues that like a 25 -year -old girl shouldn't be having.
So I agree with you that like a lot of times we judge people's health based on their weight and that's not the case for everyone, but to be clear, like it was the case for me.
Like, I was not healthy.
I did not walk to work.
Like, I was really living a very inactive, unhealthy lifestyle.
That's not the case for everyone you see who's overweight, but that was one thousandth the percent of the case for me.
Yeah. And now what's the new schedule?
Oh, bitch, well, now I'm pregnant, so, like, it's kind of reverted back, but so not pregnancy -wise.
I just really, like, lead my day with little pockets of activity.
I think that, like, going to meetings, going to work, like, I'm always being like, okay, I'll walk.
I worked out, like, before I got pregnant.
I worked out like, you know, three to five times a week.
I would spend my weekends doing things that I enjoy whilst being active, like going for walks in the park with Ben, just like making sure that I wasn't rotting in bed as much as I am capable of, because I'm capable of a great deal of rotting.
And then with meals, that's really where I probably struggled the most, but just trying to be a little bit more well -rounded, I feel like I eat like a six -year -old, And so I do.
Like, I eat rice and chicken fingers and so just changing sometimes to like brown rice and grilled chicken, you know, thinking a little bit more, but it's hard because I'm such a picky eater that, you know, I'm not going to be making branzino on the weekends with like an a tapenade, you know, that's never going to happen.
I don't even know what tapenade is.
And then, I mean, as I'm hearing you speak, I'm just like, is there a lot of people talk about this right now, like this idea of when you become pregnant, is there like a loss of the life you have. Like is there a feeling of like, wait a minute.
Just a few moments ago, a few months ago, I was...
I would say I don't feel...
I really... I mean, I've been married for 100 years, and we decided to wait to have kids.
And I think that because we made that choice, I am now not spending my pregnancy and, you know, hopefully the next year or two mourning a life.
I feel like I lived life to the fullest and I really, really waited till I was ready.
So the only thing I feel like I'm mourning is my body.
Nobody talks enough about what it's like to lose significant weight and then get pregnant.
I don't know how I feel about it.
I don't have fully flesh thought out, I'm struggling every single day.
But no, I don't feel sad about a life left behind.
I feel like I lived every minute of my 20s on the edge of cliffs, going on trips, partying, doing everything I wanted to do.
And when I turned 30 over the summer, I was like, you know what, I'm done.
Like, I really feel, and that's what I'm so happy about.
Because yeah, I like, see my friends with kids, and I'm like, oh, I do wish I had like, you know, joined them.
But I feel so fulfilled in that one chapter of my life that I'm really ready to start the next chapter.
We often think about self -care as something external, our skincare routine, our diet or exercise.
But what about caring for our soul?
How do we create rituals that nurture, not just our body, but our peace of mind and self -worth.
To share her journey, Alicia Keys, Grammy -winning artist, entrepreneur, and advocate for soul care, Alicia opens up about her struggles with anxiety, how stress affected her skin, and how she turned her personal healing process into a philosophy that helps others.
Listen to this. I think that often, those of us who live spiritual lives, we can be quite negligent of our casing out of this body.
And you can, you can kind of...
Disconnect from it, maybe.
Yeah, disconnect from it.
And so, I wanted to ask you, how has your relationship changed with your skin that was something that brought you anxiety?
Oh my God, I mean, I mean, it was forever.
It was literally forever, um, that I really struggled with my skin.
And, you know, you're a teenager and you have hormones and you get it and it's cool.
And then all of a sudden I was like 18 and then I was 23 and then I was 28 and then I was 30 and then I was like 35.
And I'm like, whoa!
When does this thing stop?
Like, when I thought like 16, 18, 21 maybe, why is it continuing?
And it was really hard to, especially to be in spaces where you would present yourself and you would feel just so self -conscious.
I just felt so self -conscious.
And I'm like, but there's a big bump right here.
And then most people are like, I don't even see the damn bump, but I see the bump right here and it's huge.
And it feels really uncomfortable, you know?
You just feel uncomfortable.
You want to know why, too.
You want to know what's the matter.
Is something wrong?
Why am I thought? I'm what can I do to help this?
And, um, and so that definitely caused me a lot of anxiety.
I started in the music world when I was 18.
And so that was right, kind of at the precipice.
And then the stress of the whole universe of music was just so much, and I was trying my best to play it cool.
I'm like, I can handle it, I can do it, but it was stressful.
It was a whole new world.
I had to carry a new weight on my shoulders and try to, you know, kinda, like, be calm or cool while doing it, and it was tricky in my skin.
I learned that my body reacts to stress.
Our bodies react to stress.
My personal body physically reacts to stress.
Many of our personal bodies do this, which is obviously why even many diseases come to us from stress.
Because physically, it's a physical manifestation of this feeling, which is why it is so important for us to figure out, like, what gives you peace, what calms you down, what makes you feel safe and like you're in your skin and you're yourself and these type of things.
And so, of course, I didn't know what that was for a long time but I realized that it was these relationships I was attracting and it was the level of commitment I was agreeing to that left no space for me to reflect or to sleep or to be with my friends and have those outlets that do give you a sense of...
of calm. And so my skin was so reactive that I said one day to myself, if I one day, I'm going to make something that fixes this this.
I'm going to do something about this because I know I'm not the only one.
And I realized as I began to, you know, live and experience so many different parts of my life, motherhood and, you know, raising young kids and finding time for yourself, and getting rid of those toxic energies that were attacking me in real life, I realized that you really have to take care of your soul.
Like you have to take care of your soul.
So this philosophy of soul care really came from all of these understandings and all of these realizations that no one's gonna do it for me.
Like as much as I really, really wish someone would stand up and be like, you, you're not good for her, get out of here.
That thing, you, you need to stop.
No, I have to be the judge of that.
And therefore I have to find my way to the understanding of how do I hear myself to know what is good and what is not or what is real or what is true.
And so there were many things that brought me to that place.
Some of them were meditations that brought me there and really brought me to a more intuitive space.
Some of them were just practicing the art of, like, know, what do you think?
No, I know six friends said this.
Or I know that very strong energy that always tells everybody what they think said this, but what do you think?
And that became the practice of soul care and also these ideas of ancient rituals and...
and what are some special ways that we can have peace and calm?
And I was attracted to crystals and their powers and their meanings.
I was attracted to journaling and I have a very difficult time as a kid, I had a difficult time expressing my truth.
And I realized that when I would journal or do this stream of consciousness, I could actually just release it, I could let it go.
And if I'm not good at doing that to someone else, because I didn't trust as fully, I can do it with myself, you know?
And so these practices of how do you kind of, like, depend on yourself to find your own grounding became my idea of what soul care is, which eventually became how I said, I'm going to make that thing to fix that thing, became this key soul care.
And the idea was, to me, it's a philosophy.
It's a way of life.
It's a lifestyle. To me, you know, the beauty industry, or skincare industry, just like the music industry, All of it is kind of creating how to live within the chaos.
And so, how do we do it?
Nobody teaches us normally.
It's a blessing if someone does.
But normally, it's not, so finding these ways through affirmations, through the idea of really connecting to yourself, and using the affirmations that are on every bottle, because the ideas, you wash your face, you do that every day with the Golden Cleanser.
You can also think about how I'm devoted to this moment, because so many times we're over here, over there, back there, over there, how can you just be right here with yourself right now?
And so the idea is like creating this mixture of ancient rituals and where skin meets soul, and soul care, because we have hair care, hair care, nail care, body care, home care, but we never had soul care.
Why? So we wanted to, I wanted to start it.
Yeah, that's so beautiful.
I mean, I couldn't agree more.
As someone who was very negligent of a lot of this stuff, like growing up and not really thinking about it.
I've seen the value of...
I'm a big fan of affirmations.
I think even when it comes to cleansing my face, what that means, what that feels like, how different I feel internally because of it, how it can be a reminder to continue to cleanse and detox the soul, as well as that which is around me.
There's so much of that connection from body, mind, spirit, and soul that I think we lose and we don't realize how interconnected they all are.
OK, I have two questions for the guys out there.
Do you want to have nice, healthy skin?
And would you rather not spend a ton of time getting it?
So for the, like, 99 % of guys who said yes to both questions, Dove Men +, Care Body, and Face Scrub is the ultimate hack for effortless skincare.
And when I say hack, I mean it.
It really makes getting better looking skin as simple as possible.
The new Dove Men Plus Care Scrub literally exfoliates, cleanses and moisturises in one step.
That's it. It's the definition of a hack, and you can feel good about using it.
We're talking about natural essential oils, it's vegan and parabens and sulphates free.
Plus, it's totally designed for men's skin.
But the main thing is that it works and it's easy.
Your skin will look and feel better, and in case you missed it before, you don't have to work hard to make it happen.
Yep. Just hack your grooming routine and add the Dovemen Plus Care scrub into your shower.
Have you ever gotten sick on a very expensive, very non -refundable family trip?
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And with Amazon Pharmacy, your meds can get delivered right to your hotel, fast. It's kind of like the room service of medical care.
Thanks to Amazon, healthcare just got less painful.
Sometimes life can seem challenging and overcoming problems can seem impossible.
But when you focus on your problems, it can keep you from seeing the good in your life.
One thing that helps me when I need a change in perspective is acknowledging the small wins in life.
I encourage my team to pay attention to small wins because it helps them see positive outcomes and the steps that they're achieving on the road to a bigger goal.
Use the power of small wins to shift your outlook and you will start to see positive changes.
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Confidence is something we all strive for, but often misunderstand.
We think we need it before taking action.
But what if the key is to act first, even when we don't feel ready?
What if confidence is something we build as we go, not something we wait for?
To help us break through the myths of confidence, we have Lisa Bilyeu, entrepreneur, best -selling author, and co -founder of Impact Theory.
Lisa's journey from stay at home wife to powerhouse business woman has given her a unique perspective on what it really takes to build confidence from within.
Let's hear what she has to say.
So I think confidence is such a important and powerful topic.
I wanted to ask you, because I think there's so much material and you do so many interviews around confidence and what it means and what it feels like, how do you define confidence for you and what does it mean to you and what is something that people can think of, because I think everyone has a different view of the word confidence.
Yeah, I think most people actually have the misinterpretation of what confidence actually is because they usually, and I was culprit of this when I was a stay at home wife for eight years, I thought I needed it to get started.
And I thought I needed the confidence to live out my dreams, to actually go towards my goals, and I was waiting to have the confidence.
And that I think is a complete misconception, is what actually is holding so many of us back from trying anything.
And what I realized was in my own journey, I actually just need to take action.
I needed to go into something very insecure, not knowing what I was doing, practicing, practicing, practicing.
you know, wax on wax off my favorite movie Karate Kid and get so damn good that I build the confidence to then lead to confidence.
So the truth is, that confidence is the byproduct of taking action and a lot of us don't think of it like that.
We think it's going to be the magic bullet that's going to get us to actually take that action in the beginning.
And so that's where I actually reshaped and how I rethought of the word confidence.
And then also for me, confidence is like a muscle.
If you don't keep practicing it, you won't actually get strong at it.
And if you stop practicing, you will get weaker.
And just like when you go to the gym, you may practice like your biceps or your legs.
It's a different mechanism to practice working your calves then practice in your bicep.
So that is what confidence is.
It's not like you get confidence in one area and you're good to go!
It's like you get confidence maybe in being in front of a camera.
But being in front of the camera, as you know, J is very different than being on stage.
So when someone sees, maybe you've got confidence in one area, it doesn't mean that you've got confidence everywhere else.
And I think people, if it's you, and you're thinking about it, you may then think that you're incompetent, or you're no good, or like, it's just well, I don't have the genes, so I may as well not get started.
But the truth is, identify where you can't want the confidence, get started, build that competence, and then eventually it will breed confidence.
I could agree with you more.
I remember once looking at the definition of confidence in the dictionary, and one of the definitions is an appreciation of one's own abilities, skills, and qualities.
I was like, I really liked that definition.
Like it's actually self -validation.
Like confidence is being able to look at yourself and say, I'm good at this.
I'm actually a kinder person.
I'm a thoughtful person.
I am a good public speaker, I am a best -selling author, whatever it may be.
And you're almost validating a skill, quality, or attribute you have by yourself.
And I think it's so interesting, and you're right, I think we viewed confidence as how do other people feel about us?
So we look at it as like, oh, that person looks so confident cause they're like walking out their car, they got that swag, they're like dripping in great clothes or whatever it may be, and we see that as confidence.
But we know that that person could be sitting and they're going, oh, I'm not the right size.
I'm overweight, underweight.
I'm whatever else it may be and criticizing themselves.
I was wondering what is something that took you the longest in your life to build confidence around?
Whew! I'm ever evolving, but I think it really was to believe in myself that I'm capable.
And that all started from, because I was this stay -at -home wife for eight years, and I want to just make sure that I say this though, There's nothing wrong with being a stay -at -home wife at all.
It's actually one of the hardest jobs that was for me.
But I didn't want to.
That actually wasn't my dream.
I felt like it was sucking the life out of me.
So, as that staying -at -home wife, I didn't make any change because I didn't feel like I was capable of anything because I was so insecure.
That voice in my head was so negative, Jay, telling me all the reasons why I was no good to try anything.
And so, in order for me to build my confidence to move forward, I was like, well, what if I am bad?
Who cares? You have to actually practice.
Why do I think that I can be amazing at something, right?
If someone looks at you and they're like, Oh my God, he's such an amazing podcaster.
How long have you been doing it years and years and years and years.
So when someone looks at you and let's say they're comparing their beginning to your middle or your end, you will feel incompetent.
And so for me, I had to stop looking outside of myself at all the amazing people because I believed I wasn't good enough to try.
And so I had to build the internal confidence to take that action to actually just try and understand that it's going to be a process.
And without that, I never would have got out of what I call purgatory of the mundane where my life is just mundane enough.
And so I'm just stuck there day in and day out.
And that idea that even if you don't feel good enough, you can still take action.
I think was the biggest thing that was the hardest for me because I didn't want to get bullied.
I was already bullied as a kid for my looks from other women.
So you can imagine me trying anything that fear of being bullied from other girls were so petrifying that I didn't even want to take a chance.
And so realizing I have to build that within myself, and you said the word validate actually earlier, that word really sticks with me with me because I think a lot of us wait for validation, external validation, we wait for someone to tell us that we're a good Greek wife or an amazing husband or a fantastic wife.
And that can actually hold us where we are, because I was seeking validation from everybody else.
And at the time I was getting validation for being that stay -at -home wife.
And so you can imagine, I have low self -esteem.
I don't believe in myself, I don't think I'm good enough and everyone's validating me for this one thing.
Even though I don't like that one thing, that validation, that feeling good about yourself is what kept me there.
So I think the trick is, is how do you make sure that you validate yourself?
And that became the path for me building my confidence.
every single day. What am I gonna do today to validate myself?
Not get validation from my partner, from my boyfriend, from the ex, how many likes I got on Instagram.
No, no, how can I validate myself?
And that became my North Star, versus everyone else, making me feel good about myself.
Confidence isn't something that just appears overnight.
It's built through experiences, setbacks, and self -acceptance.
For Meghan Trainor, that journey started with a song she never thought anyone would hear.
What began as a fun personal expression turned into an anthem that resonated with millions.
But even after hitting number one, she found herself still chasing validation instead of trusting her own instincts.
Let's hear how she learned to let go of expectations and embrace her true confidence.
Well, back then, I was a songwriter writing for other artists.
So I was thinking, like, what's not on the radio?
And what could be on the radio?
But when I wrote all about that bass, it was like a joke.
Like, I was like, no one's gonna cut this.
We've wasted a day at work, and we'll just write a therapy song for us.
Because the co -writer was, like, a man and it was the first time meeting him.
So it's kind of like a blind date, and you're like, where'd you grow up, how are you?
And we both were like, we were chubby kids.
And we had to learn how to love ourselves.
And I was like, how funny would it be that I was like, I ain't no size two, but I can shake it, shake it.
And I'm like, I'm not a confident dancer that dances in front of everyone.
But imagine if I was.
And I remember being like, I'll sing the demo, who cares?
And it was like a raw demo with no auto -tune and nothing.
But the lyrics hit so many people that they're like, this is gonna be huge, who's singing it?
we'll just let her do it.
So it was really from like a weird, raw place.
Like I wasn't chasing radio, I wasn't...
And I fell into that before when you were talking about competition, I didn't know about charts and all that stuff.
When they're like, you're number one.
I was like, fantastic.
Like, what is that?
Like, number one everywhere.
They're like, everywhere.
I was like, well, that was easy.
So then anytime I did another song, I was like, it's not number one everywhere, what do you mean?
Like, and then I was like, well, maybe I'm not doing what's on the radio.
And then I caught myself chasing radio and just falling on my face.
So with this new album, Taking it Back, I'm gonna go back to when I did Doo -Wop and just didn't care about any charts and anything and just do me.
And you'll hear that come out and the first song they put out was a emo toxic relationship song.
I was like, oh, okay, coming out passionate.
And so it sounds like it's always been a raw emotion that's gone out.
And now you're taking it back and you're going back to that.
and you're really earning that.
Like with this new album, would you say that we're hearing you through the healing process?
Are we hearing you healed?
Are we hearing you on the other side?
I think you're hearing a healed, mature mother who is just ruthlessly honest, you know.
Like one song, Don't I Make It Look Easy, that I teased today on my Instagram, is like talking about, don't I make this look easy.
Like everything's perfect.
because everyone who interviews me is like, you are so fun and you have the best family and the best life.
And I'm like, I cry so much, you just don't know it because I don't film myself and post it, you know.
So I say in the first verse, like, I posted a picture, I read all the comments, I hearted the good ones and if I'm being honest, I probably spent an hour on it.
And then I'm like...
And it's just like a fun way of being ruthlessly honest. Ruthlessly, that's not a word. But brutally honest. Yeah.
True confidence doesn't just come from winning.
It comes from how you handle the losses.
It's about resilience.
Picking yourself back up when things don't go your way.
And having the determination to keep pushing forward. Kobe Bryant understood this better than most. He wasn't always the strongest or the fastest. But he built confidence by prioritizing long -term growth over immediate results.
He knew that self worth isn't defined by where you are today.
it's about your commitment to improvement.
Let's hear how he developed that mindset.
And you talk about that because when you talk about missing five throws, and you talk about getting over yourself, right?
Like getting over yourself.
How did you get that mentality of just being like, I need to get over this.
Like I need to get over myself?
You know, trial and error.
You grow up and you make game winning shots and it's awesome.
And you come back the next day and miss a game winning shot and it's misery.
And then the next day comes and your back playing again, and you understand that life has this cyclical nature where it's, what you do on Monday, it's fantastic.
But then Tuesday it's a bad day, but guess what, there's Wednesday.
So we just supposed to live our lives like this the whole time?
Versus just staying like this and understanding that it's really just a journey of evolution everyday.
It's just constant improvement, constant curiosity, constantly getting better.
The results don't really matter.
It's the figuring out that matters.
And we all get obsessed about the results.
We get obsessed about the output, not the input, of not figuring it out and not changing things.
What use of trial and error like the experimenting, we forget to do that.
It's unfortunate, man.
Like I've seen a lot of players, especially now, and youth basketball dealing with that.
You have players that are bigger, and faster, and stronger, and their coaches are just coaching them for results.
We're just going to use your size that because you're bigger than every other 12 year old out there to dominate today, but they're not growing.
Right, so they're just based on that result, but they're not focused on growing this young child into becoming a better athlete.
And through that, teaching them how to become a more well -rounded person, and we're missing that.
Yeah, see what you've said there, just I want to ask you this, and I'm not saying, because you know yourself best and you know how you got there, so I'm asking it from a place of humility of learning, when I look at you, I'm like, you know, your superpower isn't just your work ethic, your superpower isn't just like figuring things out, your superpower is like, you think strategically.
Like, that's a very strategic thought of saying, this person could be this in the future if they were developed as a whole individual, rather than just like, let's use them for the short -term.
Where did you develop that from, that ability to see beyond, to think deeper, to reflect deeper, where did that come from?
Well, I had to do that because I grew up growing up in Italy when I first moved over there was, I didn't speak Italian, I didn't have any friends.
I had the game of basketball and through sport and playing soccer I was able to make friends and build connections, but it was a lot of time spent alone.
And when I came back to the States I wasn't the most athletic kid.
I was really scrawny like really, really skinny and had major knee issues because I was growing.
so I was the dorky kid with high socks and big old kneepacks.
It's fashionable now.
It's fashionable now.
It wasn't then. It wasn't then.
And so, um, I had to look long term, because in the here and now, I couldn't compete with these kids.
I mean, there was kids that were, like, 12 years old with beards.
Like, I can't. What am I supposed to do with that?
Like, they're doing windmills and dunking backwards, and I'm happy to, like, tap the backboard, you know?
So I had to look at it from a long term, because I wasn't going to give up on the game, So I had to say, okay, this year, I'm going to get better at that.
Next year, this. And then so forth and so on.
And then patiently, I was able to catch them.
Yeah. I love hearing that because I think so many of us kind of, you believe like, when you see people like yourself, it's like, it's so easy as an excuse to ourselves to just be, oh, you're destined for it, right?
You were made for it.
It's kind of like that kind of, you know, like, oh, yes.
But when you talk about saying, oh, actually, when I started, I didn't have the physicality that meant that I was going to make it.
Like you have to figure it out and I love him.
You have to figure it out, man.
It's just piece by piece.
And it's the consistency of the work, which I feel like a lot of parents are missing today because we're not teaching that to our kids.
We tend to say like, kids don't want to do the work, but in reality, we're failing them because we're not leading them the right way and teaching them how to fish.
You know what I mean?
And so like the consistency of work, Monday get better, Tuesday get better, Wednesday get better.
And you do that over a period of time, You know, not like one month or two months.
I mean, it's three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10 years, and then you can get to where you want to go.
Confidence isn't about walking into a room and thinking you're the best. It's about not feeling the need to compare yourself to anyone.
True self -worth comes from knowing who you are, not just what you accomplish.
It's built in the quiet moments, how you show up for yourself and the way you speak to yourself when no one's around.
I hope this episode helped you realize that confidence isn't about having all the answers.
It's about trusting yourself to figure it out.
If something resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it.
And I'll see you next time on On Purpose.
If you loved this episode, you'll really enjoy my episode with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic, and how to speak to yourself with more compassion.
My fears are only going to continue to show me what I'm capable of.
The more that I face my fears, the more that I feel I'm gaining strength and gaining wisdom.
And I just want to keep doing that.
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