[The Psychology of 'Icks': Navigating Modern Dating and Attraction]-[Jay & Radhi Talk About Icks vs. Red Flags (How to ACTUALLY Know the Difference)]

On Purpose with Jay Shetty · B2 · 2025-11-22

📋 Summary

The Phenomenon of the 'Ick'

In a recent episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, host Jay Shetty and his wife, Radha Divlukia, explore the modern dating concept of the 'ick.' Defined as a sudden turn-off or something that instantly kills attraction, the 'ick' has become a pervasive term in contemporary dating culture. While the term itself might feel harsh or even irrational, the hosts note that it stems from common patterns observed in social media and personal dating experiences. Whether it is a man running with a bouncing backpack, wearing 'thong socks' (no-show socks), or a woman constantly checking her reflection, these moments of repulsion can be both humorous and surprisingly potent.

Distinguishing 'Icks' from Fundamentals

One of the most critical arguments presented in the discussion is the necessity of distinguishing between an 'ick' and a 'fundamental' issue. The hosts argue that society often overvalues 'icks'—small, often silly habits like chewing with an open mouth or using too many hashtags—while undervaluing core relationship traits. Jay emphasizes that if someone is reliable, shows up on time, and communicates effectively, these are the true 'fundamentals' that matter. Conversely, issues like poor communication, ghosting, or lack of accountability are not mere 'icks'; they are serious red flags that indicate a lack of security in a relationship. The danger lies in using 'icks' as a 'scapegoat' or an 'easy way out' to justify a lack of attraction or to avoid the vulnerability of a real connection.

The Psychology of Attraction and Perception

Radha points out a fascinating psychological shift: when we are deeply attracted to or 'obsessed' with someone, our perception changes. We may find ourselves overlooking traits we would typically find disgusting, such as smoking or bad breath, because our physiology and hormones prioritize the connection. This 'shallow hell effect' implies that our brains can rationalize almost anything if the initial attraction is strong enough. However, the hosts caution that this can be a double-edged sword, especially in potentially toxic relationships where one might ignore behavior that is genuinely incompatible with their values.

Navigating 'Icks' in Long-term Relationships

When addressing how to handle these turn-offs, the consensus is that they should be taken with a 'pinch of salt.' Rather than letting an 'ick' ruin a potential relationship, the hosts suggest that if you are truly invested, you can communicate your feelings honestly. For instance, if a partner’s fashion choice—like wearing socks with sandals—is a persistent issue, one can offer to help them find alternatives rather than simply judging them. Ultimately, the goal is to shift from seeing these quirks as deal-breakers to viewing them as endearing, or at the very least, manageable. As Jay and Radha conclude, everyone is going to have something that gives you the 'ick' at some point; the success of a relationship depends on recognizing that you are dating a human being, not a perfect, curated persona, and that love can coexist with these small, human imperfections.

🎯Key Sentences

I mean, 50% of Americans are pre-diabetic.

I'm beyond thrilled to be able to sit down and chat with you.

How seriously should people take icks?

The more you like someone, the more you'll find the icks cuter.

I definitely felt ics throughout my life.

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📝Key Phrases

give someone the ick

take something with a pinch of salt

be a turn-off

be invested in someone

get over something

Expand All

📖 Transcript

This is an iHeart Podcast.

On the podcast Health Stuff, we are tackling all the health questions that keep you up at night.

I'm Dr. Priyanka Wally, a double board certified physician.

And I'm Hari Kundabolu, a comedian and someone who once Googled, do I have scurvy at 3 a.m.?

And on our show we're talking about health in a different way, like our episode where we look at diabetes.

In the United States, I mean, 50% of Americans are pre-diabetic.

I do think when you're basing dating someone off a few ics unless it's really putting you off to the point where you don't really want to be seen with them or want to hang out with them, or every time you're seeing them you're feeling icky it's probably a sign that there's a few too many for you to be able to handle.

See, I think there's a difference between ics now and what makes someone feel secure in a relationship, because that's a big security part of a relationship where, if you feel confused about where you stand, if the person isn't communicating in a way that makes you feel wanted, that actually breeds insecurity in a relationship.

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