Hi, my name is Ike Barinholtz, and I feel... bullish about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
Very Teddy Roosevelt of you.
Yes!
Bully.
Bull Moose!
Speak softly and carry a large red-headed man.
Yes!
Yes!
Fall is here, hear the yell.
Back to school, ring the bell.
Brand new shoes, walking blues.
Climb the fence, books and pens.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Okay, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
It took me a second to realize what we were doing.
And I'm Conan O'Brien from the title of the thing.
And this is Sonoma Sassian.
This is David Hopp, and I'm just trying to come in with fresh energy.
I have an obsession lately that I want to talk about, which is rappers that have agreed to do a soundtrack for a major motion picture.
And then they have to rap about the movie and kind of get bogged down in the plot of the movie.
It's one of my obsessions lately.
One of the things I was thinking about, and I think one of the worst offenders, was when, um hammer, MC hammer, uh for the sequel to the first Adams house.
Oh boy.
Do you remember this one?
And, and family.
Yeah.
He had to rap about the Adams family and he I know this is a long time ago and people listening right now, like Conan, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
And I have loved ones that tell me that all the time.
What are you doing?
Yeah, everyone says it.
Yeah.
And I think every conversation I have with you sort of begins with you going, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
And you always do it like that.
What are you doing?
Why do I have an accent?
I don't know.
You're always making a meatball when you say that to me.
You're like, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
So anyway, so MC Hammer was getting into the weeds.
You know, some executives said, you got to mention.
Fester.
You got to mention Wednesday.
You got to talk about Gomez.
You got to talk about, you know, and then.
OK.
And you think, OK, Conan, that's one example.
Have you got more?
I do have more.
Oh, my God.
You didn't prepare research.
No, I didn't do research.
These are the ones I wrote them down as they came to me.
I remembered Vanilla Ice Ninja Rap.
Yeah.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
I remember.
Yeah.
And of course, and of course, you know, Vanilla Ice is he and no offense to was it Mr. Van Winkle?
Was that his name in court in court documents?
And no offense to him.
But again, he had to get bogged down probably in talking about various ninja ninja ninja.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they started breakdancing.
And they started breakdancing.
And then did he have to get into the plot?
That's my favorite thing is when they're like, Michelangelo has to get the blue jewels.
It's at a show.
I think he's performing.
It's in the movie.
They're at a concert.
Of course it is.
Of course it is.
Bobby Brown, Ghostbusters 2.
Oh, my God.
Remember that one?
Yes.
And it just goes on and on and on.
And I love it.
And the reason it all came back to mind is the other day.
You know I like to a sketch.
You know that's one of my things that i like.
You're a doodler, i'm a doodler, i'm a draw, i like to draw, i like pen and ink.
So i went into i'll give him a shout out blix art supply.
Hey, i like i can hang out in the blix forever.
I just love pens paper.
Yeah, i'm from the streets and But I'm there and I'm, you know, checking out some of the latest cool you know cool pens out of Japan.
And you need an eraser that you can knead, you know, that's K-N-E-A-D, you know, a kneading eraser.
Anyway, I'm checking out.
Yeah.
And then I go out and get laid, you know.
That's the order that I like to do things.
I like to get the really good Japanese pen, a needable eraser.
And I had to go out, you know what I mean?
And fucking spread my seed all over town.
That's just the order that I like to do things.
And if people think I came in hot today, maybe I did.
Because I was in Blix here on the west side of Los Angeles.
Blix or Blick?
Blick.
It's just Blick.
But sometimes I go in and I go like hey, I'm going to Blix it up, you know okay, and then watch out world, because i'm coming after, you know, once i get my supplies um, a little bag of my little bag japanese, that's when i like to stroll the boulevard and check for action.
Anyway, i'm in there and what do i hear?
Oh, my god, it's pitbull And he's rapping about Men in Black 3.
And sure enough, this rapper has had to bend the knee to the studio executives.
And he's talking about, we got to go back in time.
He's explaining the plot.
Do you know what I mean?
And again, that always freaks me out when rappers, you know.
Well, everybody needs.
I mean, imagine how much money they get.
You should try to do a rap for a movie.
You know what?
I think maybe I'm jealous that no one's asked me.
Toy Story 5.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, my guess is Toy Story 5 is coming out soon.
I'm in it.
I guess I was thinking maybe in the back of my mind they might want me involved in the soundtrack.
Yeah.
You know, no one wants to hear from Tim Allen and Tom Hanks anymore.
You know what I mean?
Been there, done that.
This is my chance to shine.
I know Randy Newman typically does a lot of the songs for the Toy Story movies, but maybe we change it up this time.
Well, it's probably getting late.
My guess is they've figured this out already because they've been working on this movie for years.
But if they haven't... And who's to say I can't rap?
I did a movie last year.
People thought, well, he can't do a movie.
Well, guess what I did.
Yeah.
So I think I could rap the plot to a movie.
I think you can too.
First of all, your beatbox is... Your beatbox...
There you go.
Your beatbox game is off the charts.
Yes.
So I think you can definitely chart adjacent.
Yeah.
I'm like off the chart and then so far away from the chart.
Yeah.
That no one can even see a chart near me.
You know what I mean?
There's no clipboard.
There's no chart insight.
If you had binoculars, you wouldn't see the chart.
I've heard you rap before and you do a throwback where you go?
My name is Conan and I'm here to say yeah, I like to go back.
Everybody wants to hear right.
Early 80s.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Every rap should start with my name is blank.
Whoever you are in my case, Conan, my name is Conan and I'm here to say I'm here to rap the USA.
That's how every rap should start.
You also throw Superman into any rides really well.
Superman.
Yeah, I got to tell you about Superman's bus escape an hour ago.
You know, if you throw Superman in.
And beef au jus.
I like beef au jus.
It's a lot.
Because I like to say you know those bills will accrue and then you won't be able to afford your beef au jus, which was my favorite meal in high school.
Yeah.
The cafeteria had beef au jus.
It's a juicy beef.
Real hard lyrics.
Quiet.
I mean, I respect.
Oh, I'm getting a call right now from my.
What do you think Rick Sell wants?
That's my manager, Rick Rosen.
Oh, he really, I thought you were doing a bit.
No, my agent, Rick Rosen.
Maybe he's going to let you know there's a wrap.
Hey, Rick.
Rick, you're on right now.
This is Rick Rosen.
He's one of the biggest agents in Hollywood.
And that's Sona and Blaze back there and David.
Rick, here's my question.
Is it too late?
Do you think they've locked in the Toy Story 5 soundtrack?
Is that probably locked in already?
Or do you think there's a chance I could do a song that would be in Toy Story 5?
A rap.
A rap.
A rap.
If you were going to sing a song, they'd erase the soundtrack that they have already locked in.
Yes.
Yeah.
So you're saying that if Randy Newman has already written like a great song, that's a tearjerker but also a beautiful melody, because I love Randy Newman.
And it's set.
If I said, if you called them right now, you know Disney, Pixar and said Conan wants to, I think they might even move the release date.
Oh, now we know why Rick's been around.
We know why Rick's been around for a long time.
You know what, Rick?
You're the best agent in the business.
I'm so glad I took this call.
And I'm going to jump off now, but I will call you back when we're done.
Wasting America's time.
I'll call you right back.
Um, i just hung up on him.
That's how big i am.
This guy runs hollywood and i just, and guess what, i now don't have an agent because he's that was fantastic, that was you know what.
That's why that was perfect timing, surrounded by enablers.
I'm so, i'm hey.
Hello sona, how are you?
You're my biggest enabler.
Ha ha.
Good one, boss.
So anyway, that is the goal.
The goal is I want to rap and I really want to get into the weeds on the plot, because that's my favorite thing is when the rapper is like they got to get the jewel.
They got to take it up to that mountain.
You know what I mean?
They've got to meet Papa Smurf.
Do you know what I mean?
And then they got to go back in time.
But remember, don't cross.
Do you know what I mean?
Don't cross the whatever, the Purple River.
Yeah.
Because that means that what's another Smurf?
Smurfette.
Don't say it like I'm an idiot.
Smurfette, you idiot.
The girl won.
OK, well, anyway, one girl.
These are the obsessions that I have.
They grip me.
And what did I do, Eduardo?
Why don't you testify?
I come in hot today.
And what did I make you do?
You made me play pit bulls back in time.
Yeah.
And you know what I did?
I had you advance it to where?
44 seconds.
I said, go 44 seconds in.
I said, start at 44 seconds because that's where Pitbull comes in with the rap.
I don't want to waste time not hearing Pitbull rap.
Oh my God, conan texts me days in advance warning me that he wants this to be the high.
How do you know that?
How do you listen to it in your car?
Well yes often duh, that's such a big duh.
You know what?
I had to unlock my jaw to get this duh out like a snake.
I had to unlock my jaw to push more duh out of my face.
Yes,
I heard Pitbull in a Blix art supply store.
Right.
And sorry, Blix, whatever.
If they're going to give us free shit, you got to give their right name.
I don't know.
Who cares?
They're lucky I'm talking about.
And.
And I hear it.
I'm obsessed.
I get in the car.
I have to hear it some more.
Then I notice when I say I really like it when it starts right in on the, on the rapping with Pitbull.
There's a big preamble that takes 44 seconds.
Before we get to hear about Miami, you got to go back in time.
He knows the exact seconds.
No, I did.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
I know exactly what second.
So I said, and then I come in today.
Verse two.
You're like, wait, wait.
Verse two.
Yeah, I know.
What are you talking about?
You played it three times in the car when we drove around yesterday.
And now I fooled David.
So David was driving me around yesterday and make him wear a chauffeur's cap, which I think is illegal.
And I sit in the back of his what is what kind of car do you drive?
Yeah.
Yeah.
He said I sit in the back of his Hyundai and I make him wear a tiny, tiny chauffeur's cap.
It looks like a little Yamaha on his head and it's got a little rubber band that holds it on his head.
So I'm sitting in the back and I and I fooled you because I said because I've been playing with a band recently and I said oh, we worked out a really good tune and we have a recording of it.
And he went, oh, really? really?
And I went, yeah, do you want to hear it?
It's the first recording.
And he went, yeah.
And I started to play pit bulls back in time.
And you, for a second, what did you think?
I turned and I said, you really recorded this with the band?
No, I don't know.
I'm usually, I don't know what happened to me.
You can't tell when Mr. Worldwide is I thought like he made the band play it.
And then he got me again later.
And then he started to hear the rap and it's Pitbull rapping.
And he thought for a second, I guess Conan could have done that.
Oh, no.
Oh, blasphemy.
And then later he said, hey, can I plug my phone?
And I've been really into this Tate McRae song.
Yeah.
OK, I'd like to hear that.
And then I hit, of course, what did I hit?
Pitbull back in time and blasted you again.
And you were like, why do I believe him?
I've got it.
I really want to play this new Tate McRae song.
Fool me once, shame on me.
Fool me twice, you're David Hopping.
All right, peace out.
Let's get into it.
Who am I?
All right, we got enough of this.
My guest today stars as Sal Saperstein in the Emmy award-winning Apple TV Plus series, The Studio.
He now has a new trivia podcast called Funny You Ask with new episodes every Wednesday.
He's a very funny guy and I've always enjoyed him very much and excited he's here today.
Ike Barinholtz, welcome.
I'm so happy you're here.
You are a fine fellow, hilariously funny, and now we get to hang.
Now, we had a brief interaction recently at a pizza restaurant And I remembered saying, I think, to the waiter can you escort this man away?
Yes, yes.
I was there with my family.
It was my daughter's birthday.
And all I did was I just gave Conan a wave across the restaurant.
And we sat down.
A couple minutes later, some of the staff came out and said, sir, you need to leave.
I signaled them.
Yeah.
And they took you away from your daughter.
Oh.
Yeah.
And then she started crying and she said, why they take my daddy away?
And I said.
And now whenever we see Conan on screen, my daughter goes, Daddy.
She points at him and goes, Daddy.
Which is nice.
I'm fine with it now after a lot of ketamine therapy.
I'm okay with it.
I legitimately want to be your friend.
I think a lot of phonies come on this show and they say, I want to be your friend.
And they don't care.
They don't.
And you know what?
I try to follow up with a lot of them.
I can't get through.
No, no, no.
No one wants to talk to me.
I'm here because I truly want to be your friend, more so than these vipers.
Yes.
These are not your friends.
They are happy when you fail.
They are the little fish that grab onto the larger, more productive mammal and suck it of its life essence.
Yeah, yeah.
I won't suck your essence.
No, you will.
No matter how much you ask.
If you want to get ahead in this business, you will suck my essence.
It's the way it goes.
I we have a lot to talk about.
And first of all, I'm a huge fan of the studio and I love your work in the studio.
You also have this new podcast, which is trivia based.
Yes.
I'm very excited about because I know you to be a a trivia maven.
I was going to say maven and you beat me to it.
You are a maven.
Celebrity Jeopardy champ.
You won a million dollars for charity, of which I'm told you took 600000.
You know the phrase, you got to wet your beak?
Yes.
Yeah.
The charity got money.
They got paid.
They're fine.
It was for...
I think pediatric oncology and you took $600,000.
First of all, if you said to someone, I want to give you $400,000, that sounds pretty great, right?
Let's leave that there.
I have an infrastructure.
I have business.
I have people that I have to pay to make sure that I'm able to get to Jeopardy.
Okay.
You talk that way.
But when I saw you at the pizza restaurant in Santa Barbara I did notice when you left because I made you leave that you got into a very expensive Bugatti.
Yes.
And the license plate was number four charity license.
When I say I'm playing for charity, you don't specify it.
Did I get a Bugatti that has four cars for my family?
Yes.
We drive up and down Montecito.
Everyone's seen a motorcycle with a pod.
I've seen you.
But I have a pod here, a pod here, a pod in the back, and a pod in front.
It's amazing.
They're all lashed.
It's smaller Bugattis attached to the larger Bugatti.
Oh.
And they're lashed together.
So they take up both lanes.
Yes.
Oncoming.
So cars have to, he has a, you have a car that goes ahead of you.
Yeah.
We have a follow car.
You have a follow car.
You don't have a follow car.
Well, you have a follow car that goes ahead of you and lays down orange cones to keep people off the road.
This is why I need money to pay these people.
They don't work for free.
You motherfucker.
All I wanted to say was to get Ike Barinholtz here.
Everyone's like, oh, he's so funny.
He's such a good guy.
Ripped off this charity in the name of charity jeopardy.
Ridiculous.
I also won a million dollars on celebrity who wants to be a millionaire.
That's true.
Yeah.
So I've done two celebrity.
How much money?
And you got to keep all that money.
That money went straight to me. baby.
Everything went to charity.
Every dime went to charity, unfortunately.
Can I say something?
This has kept me off these charity shows.
I won't I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I work hard.
I don't want to go on Celebrity Jeopardy if I'm not getting a major piece of that dough.
Okay.
And that's just been my policy since day one.
You know?
I do think you would do a good job on it.
I think it keeps charitable organizations.
They get soft if they just get the money.
Do you know what I mean?
They got to work for it.
They got to earn it.
You got to earn it and it will make them stronger.
Anyway, this may be an unpopular stance.
And if anyone thinks that I'm on the wrong track here, feel free to let us know on idontcare.org.
It is good that you guys got an organizational status for that.
That is that to me, that's reeks of dot com.
But you guys did the paperwork.
Yeah.
The fees.
And now we didn't pay all the fee.
But OK, listen, we could square on this all day.
I don't want to be very happy.
Yeah.
But so much to talk about.
We have points of commonality here.
And that's always a good place to start, which is my interest in comedy really began with my dad.
And I know that similar dynamic with you growing up Chicago area, right?
Big comedy house.
Mom and dad both uh, loved sctv, loved saturday night live and then some of my earliest love taxi.
I remember like my first memory was them watching taxi and thinking like jim was funny and but there is something about them laughing that it's very nurturing.
Yeah, that's why because i don't want my kids to be in comedy.
We don't laugh at all in the house.
We watch Serious documentaries.
Yeah.
I watch comedy, but I wear an iron mask so they can't see that I'm laughing.
And so I've watched some of the funniest stuff wearing an iron mask.
They're watching Step Brothers and just a full mask.
Yeah, just a full mask.
No gesticulation.
I've painted.
Well, actually, I didn't paint it.
I'll admit to that.
I had a very good artist.
Oh. paint a frown on the iron mask so that yeah i because i don't it's the same thing right i want them both working for the uh any kind of electric company yes that's steady good steady work really needs power.
So you're watching your parents laugh and then you get this jolt.
And one of the cool things about your story is that you very literally then pulled your dad.
As you had success, as you've had success over the years, you have taken your dad along and given him his chance because he didn't go into comedy.
My dad was a research scientist, doctor.
Nerd.
Researcher, nerd.
I shouldn't have said that.
I'm sorry.
I apologize.
I apologize.
He told me he was a jock.
Yeah, sorry, guys.
But he said it as he was holding a microscope and wearing very short Bermuda shorts.
That's when I knew.
When someone tells me and he didn't say jock, he said, I'm a real jockster.
So I suspected that wasn't the case.
My dad wanted to be in comedy and he auditioned for Second City when he was really young.
And then it was just like too hard.
And my mom was pregnant and he was like, I'm just going to go to law school.
Let's go to law school and become an attorney and have steady work.
And then he kind of took me to see my first improv show.
And I remember seeing like Amy Poehler and Chris Farley.
Tim Meadows in particular was so funny that I was like, I want to do this.
And then years later, my brother did it.
And our dad was watching from the outside looking.
He was watching from the inside looking out.
Yeah.
And long story short, he a couple years ago got a call to put himself on tape for a random show where they needed a judge and that became jury duty.
And now he is an LA-based actor.
He's doing a movie right now with Jennifer Gardner.
And it's pretty wonderful.
His career has far outstripped yours.
Oh, me and my brother are in the shadow.
And the reason you're here today is he canceled.
Yeah, okay.
That's what it was.
He was the big get.
That's what it was.
Okay.
I get it.
Alan is your dad?
Alan is my dad.
Yeah.
And so what's so cool is that uh, working on the studio.
Um, he played a part in the studio, didn't he have a cameo?
He played the projectionist on the studio.
I know you're a fan of the studio because um i i, uh Like everyone was destroyed when we lost Catherine O'Hara.
Yes.
Yeah.
And she had this memorial service and my family and I were appropriately in Canada that weekend.
So we couldn't go.
And I talked to Seth Rogan when I got back.
I was like, how was it?
He goes, it was really beautiful.
It was really sad.
Conan came up to me and he said she was incredible in the show.
Yeah.
If you're replacing her, I would like to be considered.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
I did.
And I was I was.
Yeah.
And I thought it was I had it was the memorial and I had an eight by 10.
And it had the quad split of me as a nerd.
On a safari.
Yeah, on a safari.
Me as an ice cream vendor.
Ice cream vendors are real neutral specific.
And Seth said, I don't think this is the right time.
Yeah, it's inappropriate.
And I said, when is the right time? would later today be okay?
So that was, that's on me.
That is on you, but they're still trying to figure it out, so yeah.
The season's done.
I get mistaken for a woman a lot, so that's in my favor.
I live in this neighborhood, so I see you.
I remember I was at my vet one time and I saw you walking down the street and there was a guy in front of you who clearly worked with you and you were slapping him on the shoulder as hard as he could.
That would be a writer, probably a writer.
That would be either Mike Sweeney or Matt O'Brien.
I have certain writers, and Matt O'Brien in particular, no relation.
I tell everyone he was my cousin and I had to hire him, even though he's not funny.
And he's a brilliant writer.
He's really funny.
He's no relation.
It's just such a common last name.
But I'm very comfortable giving him a physical beating.
Yeah, I'm very tactile, too.
I touch people.
I kind of grab my friends.
Yeah, I grew up with a lot of there's a lot of grabbing, wrestling and growing up.
Irish Catholics and Jews are both tactile.
I like to touch.
I like to get my hands on. consenting males.
Yeah, that covers it for the law.
I think I'm okay now.
Well, here's the thing, because you talk about comedy and these influences, but I do love the studio.
And then I heard you talking a while ago about how much the Larry Sanders show meant to you.
And I thought, oh, this is interesting to me because I love the Larry Sanders show.
And there's a similarity between Larry Sanders and the studio.
They're both about the business and there are specific ways, if you're in show business, that you can pick apart certain things and say well, that's not really how it is.
And for me watching Larry Sanders back when I was doing a late night show And there was one writer on the show.
Right, right, right, right.
And Larry would be- Wallace Langham.
Yeah.
I would see things that if you're in it, you can pick apart, but those are irrelevant because they're getting the essential- soul of it right.
Also, I think, too, if you did an exact version of what it's like, it would be kind of boring.
It would be like oh, we're in a car, we're driving to the lot and we're going to talk to a director.
In real life, they show up, they say hi for a few minutes, and then they leave.
But We want people to watch it.
Yes.
And also I always want to believe when I'm backstage, that there will be showgirls two people in a horse costume.
Yes.
And I wanted to do a late night show that had that backstage.
So that almost influenced what kind of comedy we did.
I wanted horse costumes.
I wanted people dressed as soldiers.
Masturbating bears.
I wanted masturbating bears.
I wanted all that shit backstage, you know?
Shut up Brian Stack.
By the way, the way, brian stack, conan o'brien legend.
Brian stack yeah yeah uh, he is, and you know what?
I had a very sweet moment with steven colbert.
Uh, because brian stack one of the great all-time writers and writer performers on my show, who did so many great characters and was so prolific and was such a voice of the show.
He went to work for Stephen Colbert after we shut our thing down and has done great work for him for many years.
I went.
This is a couple of months ago.
I'm in New York.
I call Steve and he says, come on by.
And I went and I'm hanging out in Stephen's office and we're chatting for a long time about different things late night war stories.
And then he had to get to rehearsal and he was going to show me out or have his, his assistant, show me out.
And so we leave his office and there's a flat screen up and on the screen they're rehearsing a comedy piece and it's Brian Stack wearing a ridiculous costume with his wife, Miriam incredibly talented Miriam and incredible actress.
Really funny and such a great, such a big part of our late night show as well.
They're both on screen going like, Now you listen here.
And they're wearing ridiculous costumes.
And I'm looking at it and I realize I was looking at that in 1993 on the screen as I went down to my late night show.
Here it is, 2025 at the time.
And nothing's changed.
Now you listen here.
I'm going to tell you right now.
You know, we're the watermelon heads or whatever.
And Colbert and I just lost it.
Like there's no escaping that face on a rehearsal cam and it will exist forever.
But I have to talk to you about this.
Yes.
You had this experience.
Yes.
Because you.
A threesome.
No.
What is it?
It says here a sixome.
Well, there was two of us.
You had a threesome twice.
I see you had a threesome twice.
Different day.
Separated by many hours.
The math.
Okay.
It says here six cocks.
You know what I love?
My research.
It says here six cocks.
Yeah, six cocks.
No, it's three cocks, three veg.
Okay.
I'm telling you what happened.
Your researcher is incredibly base.
Oh, and they're... I have to say.
Yeah, three cocks.
He has drawings, too.
Let me see.
Oh, that is me.
That is me.
Okay, I take it back.
The guy's working hard.
You're giving... High-fiving the cameraman.
Well, it's my dad.
He's my friend.
And he also happens to be doing a great job.
He's like, get it, son, get it.
Just like I told him.
You know what?
Tell Alan that he's mentioned in the podcast.
Gotta listen the whole way.
You gotta listen the whole thing.
When you get to the six-some, where you're filming me.
And you're listening with mom, just do me a favor and be like, I'm losing the signal or something.
I don't know what happened there.
Did they say six-some?
No, no.
He said, Rexum.
Rexum.
Rexum.
They talked about Ryan Reynolds' football team.
It's wrong with you.
What's wrong?
What's wrong with me?
It's him.
He's the one that did it.
I went there.
I went there.
So the...
There's this thing that I heard about years and years ago.
One of the early, early travel things I did, travel shows I did was I went to I can't remember.
I think it was related to some kind of promotion.
They were going to have our late night show appear in some European markets.
They asked me to go to Amsterdam.
And I also think. maybe Cologne, Germany.
And so I traveled there and thought, well, we should record this.
So we're in Amsterdam.
And I only found out later on that there, I think, I was stopped by someone on the street who said hey Conan, we're a bunch of Americans who are doing improv, which was how I began as an improv, not stand up.
He said, we're doing improv here in Amsterdam.
Can you stop by?
And I remember saying, I'll try to.
And then I couldn't because we were busy shooting all this stuff.
And also, I just didn't want to go.
Which I didn't have to mention.
Why do that when it just sounds too busy?
No, but I get it.
You're in a foreign country.
You're working.
Saying to someone you want to watch some improv can be a tall order, especially for someone who's done improv.
But it was very mean what you said.
Please continue.
But I'm remembering now how not busy I was.
Well, now you're just gilding the mean lily, I would say.
No, I had my researcher put my schedule in.
Two whole days of nothing to do in Amsterdam.
In 1999.
Yeah.
Just nothing.
Nothing.
It's a tundra.
It's a vast.
All I have is wake up and see the Matrix.
Yeah.
See the Matrix twice, it says.
And then question mark, question mark, nothing else to do.
They wrote that down.
I did not have I didn't have time to go do it.
But then I later found out from Seth Meyers that he was part of that troupe at that time.
And I'm thinking I wish I had gone by and met everybody, because that'd be cool and see what they were up to.
And it's this thing called Boom Chicago that's in Amsterdam.
And you did this.
Yes.
And I replaced Seth, basically.
Right.
Right.
Like it was it was like 1994.
Like these three American guys are backpacking through Europe and they love Amsterdam.
Right.
And they're like, this is the best city.
The comedy is terrible.
The comedy scene in Amsterdam at the time was still like old European cabaret stuff, where it's like you know, Hans and Joop.
And in the second act, he will wear a dress.
Right.
And it was like, what the fuck?
It always ends with let's go buy some wooden shoes.
It was the blow to every sketch.
A lot of clogs, a lot of clogs, very clog heavy.
Um, and so they're like, what if we opened a second city style theater?
That was some sketch music, some improv and stuff.
And at first it was just like, uh, like five or six of them in the back of a bar.
I believe Miriam, uh, Flynn was one of the, or Tolan was one of the first ones rather.
Um, later Miriam stack, later Miriam stack.
And, uh, by the time I got there, it was like a big theater.
Like, like it was like a 250, 300 seat dinner theater.
And the appeal, if you were in Chicago for me was like, oh, you don't need a day job anymore.
Cause I had a horrible day job that was killing me.
And then at night I would do improv and to go, I'd never been to Europe.
I was 22 years old and I went.
And I had a threesome every day.
I was there for two years.
That's like 700.
That's like 21,000 sexual experiences.
I had with all different people.
A lot of cocks, a lot of cocks.
Once you're in it, it doesn't matter.
This was in the 90s.
Different time.
But it was incredible.
I got there and I learned how to perform big because in chicago i was doing a ton of improv in chicago and in chicago you can kind of you can score without having to go big.
In chicago you can come in and drop a really funny reference, you can play like kind of a cool character and you're in a small room.
You're gonna get a big laugh.
But going there and having to perform for people who don't speak English necessarily or don't understand your reference base at all,
Yeah.
That taught me how to, I think, be bigger and kind of perform for the masses.
Well, I when I was 22, senior in college and about to graduate.
I knew, I was like, I don't want to do standup, but I'm very interested in improv.
And a lot of people in 1985, I would say, I want to do improv.
They didn't know what it was.
And so I wrote a letter to Solins.
Oh, Bernie Solins.
Bernie Solins.
I found out the name Bernie Solins.
I wrote a letter to, And it was this very formal.
I wish I had a copy of it, but it was a very formal typed letter that said dear Mr Sollins, my name's Conan O'Brien and I've been president of Lampoon and I've done all this work in comedy and I wish now to do improv and I would like to come to Chicago.
Is there a way I could join your troop?
I didn't know about the classes.
I didn't know.
Right.
And I basically got like a form letter back that said um, I was asking basically, can I come be a part of the show, as opposed to, can I move to Chicago, start taking classes and try and work my way in?
I just didn't know what it was all about.
I got sort of a form letter back saying that's not really how it works.
Bernie Solins just.
Took some of his cigar ashes in an envelope.
There you go.
Bernie Solins is a famous line where he was directing a Second City show or something and someone was pitching a sketch and another actor was like yeah, but we kind of did a version of this sketch in the last show.
It's kind of the same joke.
And Bernie Solins goes, look, there's seven jokes.
And it's all about how you tell them.
Seven jokes?
Yeah, it's like there's only seven real jokes.
I thought there were only five.
It's mind-blowing to me.
In Chicago, we have a couple extra bonus ones.
Oh, right.
Sausage and then, yeah, the Cubs.
Yeah, the Cubs.
Ditka and then sausage.
But I yeah, I was intrigued by that.
And so when you guys talk about I mean it didn't exist when I was going there but the idea of being 22 and living in Amsterdam and doing comedy
Yeah.
I almost want to do that now.
You can.
At my age.
I would want to go and do it now, because I can make one phone call and you will be in the Boom Chicago cast.
They would be thrilled to have you.
They're going to have to fire one of the younger current cast members, but the juice is worth the squeeze.
I was going to say that same saying and then I realized I don't know what it means and I've never heard of it before.
And that's why I didn't say it.
I think it's funny when someone who's established in their career and very old and has like really is set financially, goes and takes work away from young people.
That's funny to me.
And it's a good life lesson for them.
Yeah.
Yes.
Work hard or not, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
Someone more famous and rich might come in and take your shit anyways.
Some old prick like Conan O'Brien can come in and go, hey, you know what?
This amuses me.
Great job you got here.
It would be a shame if something happened to it like I took it.
I'm gonna live in the fanciest house in Amsterdam.
It's on a.
My house is on a boat.
Yeah, I'm gonna have a big boat house and I'm gonna drop by and do some bad improv and you can fucking hit the road.
This is.
I'm so happy with all these life choices I'm making here.
Well, I think that just sounds fantastic.
It was so much fun.
And it was a great group.
It was, you know, Seth Meyers.
I kind of replaced him.
But he would come back a lot.
His brother, Josh Myers, was there.
Jordan Peele was there.
Jason Sudeikis, Liz Kakowski, Kay Cannon, Jill Benjamin, all these great performers were there.
And it was a really great time, too.
It was 99, 2000.
It was before the euro.
So we still have the Gilder.
You were on the Dutch Gilder and it was two Gilders to a dollar.
Isn't that crazy?
I picture you guys having leather pouches with gold coins in them.
We had leather pouches.
And you'd be paid by someone tossing you a leather pouch and you'd catch it.
That was basically what it was.
Tie it to your saddlebag and go.
Get on our mule and go back to our village.
It was a beautiful, it was really beautiful.
It was a special time for me.
Nice show to hear tonight.
Here's a sack of gilders.
But we still go back.
I took my family there last year.
And it's Amsterdam is an amazing city, really one of the greatest cities in the world.
I love it.
And that has nothing to do with the abundant legal drugs.
That's a separate thing that I love.
That has nothing to do with the charm and feel of the city.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the drugs, you know.
The drugs are good.
Which we have now in Los Angeles.
I know.
Do you guys have any here?
Should we do some mushrooms now?
Do you ever do that?
Do you ever microdose?
Do you ever do any of that now?
I don't really.
For any moral reasons?
It was not...
No, nothing.
I don't have any moral judgment about it at all.
I really don't.
I just didn't ever feel like it was my thing.
And mostly I've been spending a lifetime trying to understand my mind.
So the idea of throwing some cuckoo juice in there didn't appeal to me as much.
You know what I mean?
Putting in an accelerant or anything weird thing in there always felt to me like no no no, I'm.
It's everything I can do to get this thing to settle down.
What if i told you by doing it it could help you understand your mind deeper?
Yeah, what if i don't want to understand it?
What if i'm happy with this level of understanding?
Trying to get to the grave, I look at the grave the way a tired person looks at a well-made bed.
I just want to pull up the soil around me and go.
Soon, my love, soon.
Soon, the grave beckons.
This is your fault.
You know what?
I blame Ike.
I really do.
I blame you.
Because you're an accelerant for this kind of foolishness.
I am.
I am.
I want to make sure that I, because we could do this for thousands of hours, you and i, which is the lovely part of uh having you here.
But i want to why i should be your friend?
Because i know some of your friends in real life and i'm better than them.
Guess what?
I know what you're talking about.
Let's say i would rather swap out right when i say his name on the count of three one two three, paul rudd.
Here's what I'm going to say about Paul Rudd
He's richer.
He's more famous.
He's funnier.
He's better looking.
I am younger and I am more loyal.
Yes.
Yes.
To my friends.
Yes.
Also, you know, Paul Rudd.
And if you're listening, Paul, I'm speaking directly to you.
He comes and goes with the tide.
When Paul's tide is up, you know what I mean?
Yes.
I don't hear from him.
Yes.
But God forbid there's a setback or a movie that doesn't quite hit.
Then he comes running back.
Running back, he's like hey, what are you doing, what are you doing, what are you doing, what are you doing?
But then the second things start to hit again for paul, as they always do, because he's just doesn't age and he's perpetually successful.
Then he's gone again.
You won't have that problem with me.
Nothing hits right.
I will always be there.
I'm a loyal friend.
You know what?
Your career is consistently ice cold.
Yeah, it's just never interesting or good, and that's why I'm... No, no.
Ice cold.
Ice cold.
Frozen.
Frozen.
Just absolutely frozen.
Yeah.
Oh, I got a Critics' Choice Award for my character in the studio.
I bet you did.
He came in.
Did you see what he was wearing when he came in?
He had his Critics' Choice Award made into a necklace.
It was like.
And he had it.
And it was like 26 pounds.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Listen, it was like Flavor Flav's clock.
And he's that shows the kids.
I know what time it is.
You were just about to get the word out on whatever project you started shitting on him.
Sorry.
I was about to, I know I was about to do the professional part.
Um, we have to just take a second here and acknowledge you're hilarious as Sal Saperstein in the studio.
You were so funny in that role.
And, um, It's funny because you had a very specific idea for who this guy is.
And I know there are a bunch of execs.
Many execs come to you and say oh, that's based on me, isn't it?
Because yes, they're all self-involved, but they all see themselves in what you've created with Sal.
Which says a lot about them, by the way.
There are definitely times where there's guys and ladies that I know who are studio execs, who will say that like oh, you stole that from me.
I'm like, yes.
And then there's some that are like, I know you got that from me.
And I'm like, I didn't.
I'm struggling to remember your name right now.
But I did not take that from you.
But I think people see what they want in the part.
And it's really based a lot off of my friend Eric Byers, who's an executive at Universal, except for he doesn't do drugs and is very responsible.
Right.
But they love the some of them.
The work isn't exciting.
Making the movie is exciting, but they want to.
Where are we going to dinner afterwards?
And that's like my cornerstone of like, where are we going to go to dinner?
Where are we going to dinner tonight?
Yeah, that's me, too.
Yeah.
Well, dinner isn't for.
I mean, it's not even noon yet when we do this.
And I eat, I'm from Madrid, so I eat at 10 o'clock at night.
And I always- I forgot that you were born and raised.
You immigrated here when you were 19.
I have the face of Madrid.
Look at my face.
It's so Madrid.
You're real.
No, no, but it's always 10 o'clock at night.
It's always paella.
Always 10, always paella.
Yeah.
I just got back from Italy, by the way.
We were shooting the studio in Venice for two weeks.
How great is that?
It was amazing.
That is an experience you're having that makes me so jealous that you'd be part of something where they'd say your job is to go live in Venice.
Yeah.
And yeah, you're working, but then...
I'm sure there are times where you're not working and it's time to go watch someone blow glass and drink really good wine.
This is Venice Beach.
Yeah, they had me stand at a motor off Lincoln.
Also, you have a travel show.
Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.
I just remember, you know, I just remembered who I am.
I thought I was Gallagher, too. which is Gallagher's brother, who I think is dead.
One of them is not with us anymore.
I think neither one is with us now.
They both went.
I think Gallagher 2 went to mourn Gallagher and fell into the grave.
This just sets up Gallagher 3.
This is finally his time to shine.
And Gallagher 3 was there and was like, I should probably pay my respects.
No!
Watermelon explodes out of the grave.
No, what I'm saying is.
I guess what I'm thinking about is when I do these travel shows, it's go, go, go all the time.
But if I was playing a part and they said we don't need you for six hours, that would be very different.
That never happens on a travel show.
There was a couple of times where I was not needed and I got to go explore Venice and I saw them blowing the glass and I went and drank a ton of spritzes.
I had dinner.
I had dinner with Michael Keaton.
Wow.
It's a big one.
Was he there as part of the show?
He was sitting with his girlfriend at a different table and I was sitting next to them.
And I kept saying, Michael, it's Ike from the studio.
And he didn't acknowledge me at any point.
But we were in the same restaurant.
This is the same thing you did to me at the pizza restaurant.
Well, no, he, no, you actively said, I want him gone.
Michael completely ignored me the entire time.
Good, good.
Like I was, and I was next to them.
You know what it's called in LA when someone's bothering you at a table?
The Barinholtz.
No, the other day I was at an In-N-Out and I'm just trying to enjoy my shake.
And this guy gave me the full Barinholtz.
I don't know who the fuck he was.
It turns out it was Michael Keaton.
Hey, Conan, Conan, remember me?
I was in Batman.
And I was like, what did he give me the Barinholtz for?
I'm trying to enjoy my shake.
I'm trying to sit at a table alone and enjoy my shake at In-N-Out.
And you're giving me the full Barinholtz.
Do you remember?
I mean.
This is who you are.
This is my namesake, and I'm fine with that.
And it's something that my daughters will have to kind of carry with them throughout their lifetime.
He wasn't even booked today, and he comes in and gives us the full Barinholtz.
I'm here.
I'm here.
Good luck getting rid of me now.
I'm part of the show now.
He lives here.
Um, Jesus, uh, I want to talk about this new project.
Yes.
You love trivia.
You've always loved trivia.
You're very good at trivia as you've proven, uh, on these different shows.
Are you good at trivia?
I, here's the thing about me.
I don't.
I know I think I have a.
My brain knows a lot of different strange things.
It shouldn't know.
But I don't have command of it.
Let's find out.
I don't think I could just go bang, bang, bang.
Let's find out because I brought some.
Because I don't recall, you know, and I'll be like.
That's not true.
You would crush it at trivia.
Here we go.
So this is just Trivial Pursuit.
I think this is like Genius 3.
So I'm just going to run through these.
What city's Lord and Taylor boasts the Wanamaker Grand, the second largest pipe organ in the world?
I think I know this.
I don't know this at all.
Wait, say it again.
What city's Lord and Taylor boasts the Wanamaker Grand, the second largest pipe organ in the world?
I have no idea.
I'm almost sure it's Chicago because my Aunt Libby used to work at Lord & Taylor.
Okay, so the guy from Chicago picks a Chicago question.
Actually, I was wrong.
It's Philadelphia.
Okay.
What hip-hop mogul mused, I feel safe in white because deep down inside, I'm an angel.
OK, I'm going to go with Flavor Flav is just because we came up earlier, came up earlier.
No, the answer is a dear friend of mine, Sean Puffy Combs.
I know you are in a documentary.
Yeah, yeah.
But just for a minute.
Yeah.
Giving him the advice, whatever you're doing, do it some more.
Who became the first?
We're going to move on.
Anyway, next question.
We'll get out of that part.
Next question.
I don't know.
Lord Taylor.
Sean Puffy Combs.
Who became the first female British royal to walk instead of ride in a family funeral procession in 2002.
2002.
First British female royal.
Well, it's not Fergie.
We know that.
It ain't Fergie.
Because she hates walking.
She hates walking.
It's just a little fun fact I know about her.
In 2002, she was on tour with the Black Eyed Peas.
It's not her.
It's definitely not her.
Yeah.
But she is a royal.
She is a royal.
A royal pain in my butt.
Half the people with the Black Eyed Peas.
I don't know.
I don't know her at all.
A royal pain in the ass, if you know what I'm talking about.
Let's see.
Which royal is that?
Well, it wouldn't be Queen Elizabeth.
There's no way she's breaking tradition.
She's very traditional.
You think she's going to get on a horse?
No, she's walking instead of riding in the procession.
She ain't walking.
No, she ain't walking.
And Anne isn't walking.
I think Anne's walking.
You think Anne's walking?
I think Anne's a walker.
The answer is Princess Anne.
Yeah.
Incredible.
Yeah.
These are terrible questions.
This is Trivial Pursuits questions.
How many of every six stutterers are male?
All.
Well, I'm going to go with five.
Five is the answer.
What do you know that?
What are you, like a stuttering enthusiast?
Which Grand Slam singles title had Monica Seles failed to win during the 20th century?
Which one did she not win?
Well, you first have to know all of them.
I'm just going to say Australian Open.
Australian Open.
I'm going to say US Open.
Wimbledon.
Last question.
This is about a friend of yours.
What hugely successful video was Joe Francis inspired to make after viewing a flasher tape sent in for his ban from television video?
This is your dear friend, Joe Francis.
We are not friends.
Former business partners.
Business partners.
Okay.
I saw what he was doing and I wanted in financially in a big way.
And then I did everything I could to provide moral support.
You made a lot of money.
But I wish we were better friends.
Yes.
What's it again?
What's the name of the show?
I believe it's Girls Gone Wild.
Yeah.
And it is Girls Gone Wild.
Yeah.
We have a clip.
Listen.
Sorry.
If you had a Girls Gone Wild clip, I would be.
I'm like Paul Rudd, but instead of Mac and me, it's Girls Gone Wild.
All right, so let's get to your new project.
Here we go.
Funny You Ask, a weekly comedy trivia podcast.
What?
And this sounds like a labor of love for you.
It is.
For years, people were like, you should do a podcast.
And I was like, I don't think the medium is going to work.
And a couple of weeks ago, I was like, the medium works.
Right.
So let's get into this now.
We're not on the ground floor, but we're on like the 80th floor.
Right, right.
I wanted to figure out a fun podcast and I just couldn't think of like a fun hook.
And then I was like, oh my God, what if I just wrote trivia questions for my friends?
You write the trivia.
Oh, I write the trivia not because not for me, i have a producer who writes the questions for me, so i don't see the questions honor system.
But for my guests, what i will do is i will take three subjects you know a little bit about.
So for you, what are some things that you wouldn't consider yourself an expert on, but you know a little bit?
I know a lot about the beatles.
I know a lot about probably uh, American history 19th, 20th century, that kind of stuff.
Sorry, sidetracked.
You remember the last time I was on your show was Beatles week and Paul Simon saying here comes the sun to me, and you
It was a deeply romantic moment.
That was not my show.
That was your show, my friend.
You were here, I was here, Paul Simon was right here.
Actually, no, you were here, Paul Simon was here, I was right here.
I think Paul Simon was in my lap.
I remember that very clearly.
He kept calling you Garfunkel.
He kept saying, are you Art?
And you kept interjecting.
And he said, you give me the full Barinholtz here.
Remember that?
I was honored he knew my name.
That was cool.
He didn't even know who you were, but he knew.
He didn't know you were Ike Barinholtz.
He said, what's this fucking guy giving me the Barinholtz for?
I'm trying to tell a story.
Yeah.
So you would come on.
I would write questions about the Beatles, American history, other things.
And we would come on, have a fun conversation, and I will sporadically ask you trivia questions.
And then you will ask me trivia questions.
Then we do a big speed round.
So the guest shows up with their own trivia questions.
No, my producer writes the trivia questions for me, yeah.
That sounds really fun.
It's very, very fun.
The reason I'm here is to ask if you will do mine today.
I don't have time.
Okay.
Not just today, but I don't have any time.
I haven't been this busy since I was in Amsterdam.
That's 27 years ago.
Boom Chicago.
There's no time.
Sounds like there's a little bit of a discrepancy here between what you're saying and the truth.
David, remember I have that thing?
What is the thing, David?
I don't know.
What is the thing?
It's never been more clear.
He's just swiping through, not just months, but years.
He has a whole year on one page, and he's just swiping.
I see nothing.
I would be honored to do your show.
I mean, it really is.
You know, I so enjoy you.
You are so funny.
You are such a good fellow.
You are always hilarious on my show all the times you came on.
So, yes, the answer is yes, yes.
And I feel like we are making really good headway into the friendship arena.
This is the real reason I came here.
Be careful with this guy.
And when I say this guy, I mean me.
I am a slippery eel.
You will probably never hear from me again.
When I'm here in the zone, I'm all heat and yes, yes, yes, yes.
But then the minute you get out of here, I'm like, what's with that guy?
And then an hour later, who was even on today?
Right?
You completely disassociate within an hour of finishing the podcast.
I don't know who was on.
And it's David's job to bring me seven baked pheasants.
And I just eat them.
And there's one.
You put the napkin over your head so that God doesn't see your shame.
Yeah, doesn't see my shame.
No, I would.
I would love to come on.
I would.
And I do think we should be pals.
Oh, my God.
I wasn't expecting that.
Now.
Are you up in Santa Barbara a lot?
We like to go there a couple times a year.
I'm sure you have a house there.
I have seven houses there.
You're really building out.
I just bought Oprah's house and kicked her out.
Against her will.
I bought it out from under her and I said, you've got an hour.
But she's squatting now.
She's actively squatting.
She's roaming around.
Yeah, she's hanging out in the garage.
She's roaming around?
Yeah.
What the fuck?
She said, I didn't know.
Oprah said this.
I didn't know legally someone could buy your house without you letting them buy it.
But you know what I did?
I have a lot of money from these charity gigs I do.
I clean up.
And then I just buy rich people's houses and tell them to leave.
You can stay in one of my 15 homes.
We'll take you up on that.
That would save me some hotel bills.
We love it up there.
We love that Santa Barbara.
What a beautiful, beautiful... Okay, let's not do an ad for Santa Barbara.
It's about a 90-minute drive from LA.
You're there in no time.
There's a beautiful downtown.
And don't forget the Cherry Blossom Festival.
Okay, let's move on.
I don't know how this guy... from the tourism bureau got here.
Just an enthusiast.
Yeah.
Sir, I wish you the best of luck with your new podcast.
I will come on.
I will be happy to come on.
And just delighted to have you today.
This was...
This is just not work.
I don't know what to call this, but it is not work.
An easy Monday, right?
Well, we don't say what day it is.
I like to create the illusion that it's happening as people are hearing it.
It's a good, you know what?
Just having a fun Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday.
In 2026, 27, 28, 29, 30, 30, 30, 30, 30.
You know what I mean?
This was a real honor.
You are the funniest person of my generation.
Jesus.
Well, let's expand it a little.
Okay.
Why just your generation?
Take the win.
Okay, okay.
Have you seen some of these, quote, funny people from previous generations?
They're not so funny.
That's actually true.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm going to look at them all.
Let's just click it.
It'll be a little bigger.
All generations.
Thank you very much.
I got what I wanted.
Ike Barinholtz.
OK, this is part three of Blagate, Aaron Blair's attempt.
And this is to fraudulently use IRS loopholes to bankroll his childish fantasies.
And we have Mr. David Melmeds here with us.
And you are, are you a lawyer?
I am, yes.
Okay.
Because that's what we hired you to do.
Yes.
But you might have been here to fix the AC and we just hired you.
That's.
Yes.
OK, well, anyway, let's get back into this.
What I think is a major scandal roiling our podcast.
So what are we talking about?
I would like to write all that off.
Anything I mentioned on this podcast, can I write it off based on Blaze logic?
Maybe.
Based on BlazeLogic?
Yeah.
Maybe.
Based on the law?
And again, I'm not a tax expert or an accountant, so this is just... Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Why did I bring you in?
I actually... No, no.
I...
I have a cursory sort of understanding of what we're doing here, because I also am familiar with the tax code.
This is ridiculous.
I'm trying to understand exactly how fission works.
I got a squirrel here.
Can you help me out?
This is for the listener.
Oh, wow.
This is this is my protecting the myself and the show.
So if someone hears this and said, oh, I'm going to start writing off X, Y and Z. Right.
I'm just saying I don't.
Yeah, kids don't do this at home.
Kids do not do it.
Yeah, correct.
So personal expenses that are not related to the podcast, you cannot write off.
So if you're bringing edibles, I think I heard that segment for Conan, right?
Yeah, that would probably work more into production than on air, right?
So, and where production costs can affect conan and i am the uh opinion that we are here to manage conan right it could eat into.
Yeah, you know, if it weren't for you and for blay, i don't think i'd make it in this business.
But through your wise counsel though you're clearly not an expert in anything and through Blaise's incredible work of buying these doodads,
Yes.
And shoving them into the conversation.
Correct.
Like with a crowbar.
I don't know that I would have a career at all.
I think that's why we're here.
No.
So I'm saying, Blay, maybe.
I think you have to separate yourself into When you are bringing something on the show.
Are you in your role as a producer or as an on air personality?
Can I ask you a specific question?
You can.
OK.
And are you a producer?
I call myself a producer.
What is your title?
I don't know.
What do you mean?
You don't know your title.
I thought you were here to get lunch.
Oh my God.
I kept wondering, where's the lunch?
I just want to ask this kid was getting his food.
Can I ask Melman a specific question?
Okay.
So like, for instance, we talked about how I watch Bane clips on a plane.
Which I love Bane.
I watch a lot of Bane clips.
Big fan of Bane.
Now, that's been established on the podcast as a bit.
Now, can I buy a... This is a real question.
Can I buy a Bane mask as a follow-up And write that off, because it's been established in the podcast?
Can I buy a Bain mask?
I would say maybe.
I think it should all be submitted ahead of time.
I think what might be a problem here, Blay and I say this with all respect is that you are this untethered child running around.
Having these ideas and swiping a credit card.
And I think that's potentially problematic.
Could be what I think you should do is you should go to Adam.
I'm invoking you and you should say, here's my idea.
I want to buy a Bain mask.
They're nine ninety nine.
And I think it would be a good segment.
And then you can think about it.
Maybe you can approach me and we can have a discussion.
I totally agree.
And the whole thing, I mean, I think we have established, I think, that Blay is committing fraud.
But what I am hearing though, from David and David tell me if I'm wrong is it's very like tail wagging the dog, right?
Like it should start, as the show wants to do X, Y and Z.
So let's go out and buy the necessary products supplies curiosities, whatever it is, so that we can make that happen, so we can execute on that.
But to do it the other way around, which is we're buying a bunch of random curiosities and let's see if the show can do that feels like it's in violation of whatever.
Yes, i think that is exactly.
I think that's a very good way to articulate, not to say that what you're doing hurts the show.
I'm just saying, if you're looking to write off certain items, probably go about it the way that Adam described it.
So I guess my my next question is, can I have a company card to do that?
I'm going to ask if you had a corp card.
I don't.
But I would it would help, I think, with this situation.
Don't you guys think I can put that sword on a company card?
I think you need a real accountant.
Yeah, I took for all company card flat no.
No, wait a second.
There's no way you're getting a company card.
But wait a second.
Sona had a company card and put a bunch of lunches on it.
Has.
Has.
And puts lunches on it.
Has.
She has one to this day.
Yeah, and has lunches on it.
I sure do.
Well, first of all, I knew that was the deal when I hired Sona.
That's what comes with Sona in her contract.
No, I mean, she's like Zorba the Greek.
You don't you know, she needs to have access to all the things that make her Sona.
I I think it's a little presumptuous to think that you should be entitled to those same things.
I just do.
I'm just saying, like, OK, I bought a big Medusa skull, OK? you're not helping yourself but you have to write them off but but but but a medusa skull you have forever sonus just has a lunch what do you mean a medusa skull you have forever no you don't yes i You have it until you get married and she throws that shit out.
But lunch, you just eat once and you're done.
I mean, this is all you have forever.
They're business lunches.
They are.
We talk business.
Can I ask a question?
So we have David here.
We should take advantage of it.
What are are there things that we should be writing off that we're all that we're not?
Well, let me.
OK, so lunches, lunches, lunches.
Yes.
I do you guys a favor.
I would say anything to manage Conan can be written off.
I'm sorry.
When did I become hepatitis B?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You're on it.
When did I become this virulent strain that must be contained?
Oh, no.
A Conan got loose strain from the lab.
That is, that's the way the irs sees.
You are on air talent and we are here to manage you.
So anything we do to manage the irs knows that i'm a toxin.
I love it.
Well, you're okay.
So to answer your question now.
Anything that sort of costs to create produce, protect the show is deductible, right?
Anything sort of personal, performance, the consequences of wrongdoing, we cannot.
Consequences of wrongdoing?
Well, meaning you're bringing a mask on the show for, we have to say, what's the intent?
If you're bringing it on to have a potential write-off, I would say if you're, If we've discussed the segment right first and then you bring it on to sort of you, then I'm going to say maybe.
So maybe a Bane mask might be something I could do.
It might.
But I would probably bring that up first, then just bring it on and start talking.
But don't you want to just ask, why not just pay for the Bane mask?
It's why do you need Uncle Sam's help?
You're well compensated and you should take pride in spending your own money on something as precious as a Bane mask.
You shouldn't need to invoke some weird codicil that you think you found to the IRS code to do it.
Why not just be a real man?
And when you buy a Bane mask.
Yeah, own it.
You know, in the true tradition of being a a man, like a real man, when you go to buy, you know your whatever, it's a bumblebee head.
Or when you, when you go to buy um, you know oh it's, it's.
You know the vision from marvel comics.
Uh, i want to buy his panties.
Uh why why, Why can't you just be a real man and say this is what I want to feel good about me and by yourself?
He's an android.
He doesn't wear panties.
I think so.
Just summarize in terms of what the.
So these are sort of personal lifestyle expenses which are not deductible.
I think.
And so that's OK.
I'm putting it into a bucket unless.
Unless, unless, and this is, you'd have to accept this.
Okay.
But if you could prove that this was an illness of his, a deficiency.
Sure.
If you could prove that this was some kind of a handicap.
Sure.
Something he can't help. because something stunted something never developed like a medical like a medical expense neurological yeah okay but he never grew into a real sure a real uh adult and he's trapped in this cycle of just more toys and more ephemera and more bullshit and he just won't break free of that and won't go out into the world and really realize himself as an adult, he can't, then this could be possibly his version of a wheelchair or crutches or a special seat that helps him sit on the toilet because he can't make a poopy without it.
And can Conan get a tax credit for employing?
Yes.
OK, I think we cracked it here, and I think we've been in the red for a while now, which means we've gone way too long.
We'll probably have to lose some of your talking, Blay, when you defend yourself.
I do think the real criminal here is Blay's mom.
I think that she's I think Mary Blair needs to go to prison.
I think she is an absolute criminal.
I agree, too.
Yeah.
And look, we wonder why he's infantilized and she's sending his taxes to TurboTax.
When's she going to diaper you next?
She insists on doing it.
She wants to make sure that my bottom is talcummed properly.
So...
Yeah.
If I can write them off.
Let's launch.
Investigation.
Investigation into Mary Blair.
Well, I'm going to end this right now.
Blair, I find you guilty and no corporate character.
Agree with that.
Thank you.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.
Theme song by The White Stripes.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit Kahn.
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