Hi, welcome back to Eat Your Crest Podcast.
I'm Jisoo.
And I'm Crystal.
Thank you so much.
All of those couples have a sense of identity and personality that is kind of unique to them and their partner as a pair.
So we have friends that have very unique personalities as individuals, and when they become a couple with their partner, their identity and personality become slightly different and unique in a completely different way.
Let's start this off by talking about what are the different factors that help determine and shape a couple's identity.
One of the first things that come to mind is the first time meeting them.
Am I meeting them separately or are they together?
Because, you know, sometimes there's couples who you'll meet together.
You just kind of start to associate them as a unit yes, and it becomes kind of like a defining factor.
On the flip side, there's definitely couples who often split up, and maybe in that case i get to know, for example, let's say, it's like the girl in the relationship more because i've met only her so far.
I feel like that alters things right.
Because then you're like oh okay, you're so-and-so's boyfriend when you meet them, versus oh, you two are like a unit.
Yeah, that's such a good one because it totally does set the stage for your future friendship with these people.
And I think what also matters too is were you with your SO when you met this couple, or were you guys all individual?
So true, so true.
It's like, is it a 2v2 or is it like a 1v1v1, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a really good point.
And also I think it's a little different from just straight up meeting like two new people, because when it's a couple then sometimes the conversation topics are different.
And I'm sure you've noticed this too, but if I'm meeting someone, just them my questions and the topics are usually more focused on that individual.
But if I'm meeting them as a couple, oftentimes the questions can be things like oh, how'd you two meet?
How long have you been together?
It's like knowing them as a couple.
Yeah.
You don't really get to know their individual traits as much like hobbies, where they like to go for dinners or whatnot.
It's like getting to know their future plans as like a couple essentially.
Yeah.
Or like how they operate as a unit or things like that.
It's just like I know them as a blob instead of like individuals.
Yeah.
I'm trying to think if there was ever a time where I met someone as a couple and then eventually became closer to, like the girl or was able to separate them out from their unit.
Yeah.
Maybe I find it harder to get to know a couple when I meet them as a couple.
Maybe in my mind I'm just like I met you and then we had an introduction, and then this is where the journey comes.
Not to say that it's not possible, but I think I do just find it way easier to get to know someone as an individual and then meet their SO later.
But I think there is a higher barrier to entry when you meet a couple as a couple.
It's like, do we want to become a quad, like a foursome?
It's like a bigger decision, right?
Yeah, I definitely agree now that I think about it a lot of people I know it's like I knew the girl first, or something, and then later on they got a boyfriend and then we met them and we see them in a new light now as a couple, right exactly.
Are there any other factors that you think of when determining a couple's identity, though?
So another factor that comes to mind and I don't really know how to describe this, but there is an element of how morphed together a couple is uh-huh.
I'm gonna describe this with the word fusibility, and i think the best way to describe this is when you walk into a group setting and you like say, see a bunch of people that you don't know, are you able to clock these two people as a couple?
Oh,
If you're meeting a bunch of new people at once, would I instantly know that you two are dating?
Oh my God.
And I think if you go through your Rolodex of couples, There's pairs that stand out to me as oh yeah, I would instantly know that these two are together.
And then people that I would be like.
Oh, I wouldn't be sure, unless I saw them like for a longer period of time or heard them talk about their lives.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
I like this one.
I'm doing a super quick scan of everyone I know now.
Yeah, I think this almost ties in with what I had said earlier too about I guess it's almost just like how couple-y a couple is.
And that's just a huge factor to, like, the identity thing.
But now that I think about it, it's also interesting because a lot of our close friends and maybe it's because we've known each other for so long a ton of us are not super couple-y.
Like we're not super PDA.
And if you looked at us in a room, maybe we're not super fused together and actually more often than not it's like the partners get together and then the main friend group is busy like gossiping or something.
So I feel like just the model that we have around us more often is slightly less fused.
I totally agree, And I do think there's probably two pathways to get to the single destination.
You can be clearly a couple slash super fused if you're more comfortable with PDA.
Say you're like a couple that holds hands, or maybe the guy puts his arm around your shoulder or whatever.
That it's like super obvious.
But I also feel like If you've been together for a long time or there's just something about you that visually slash vibe-wise, you're obviously a couple, then that could also be another element outside of the PDA way.
Yeah.
Just something about people who have been together for a long time.
They say you start to look similarly, or maybe you laugh the same, or maybe the types of jokes that you tell are similar.
That could also be a way that you're like clearly and obviously a couple to people around you.
Dude, it's like that thing.
Have you seen on social media where sometimes there's people who are like guess, which one is my partner?
It shows them like hugging, I don't know, 10 different guys or something.
Then you have to guess who's the partner.
I feel like those are surprisingly really hard.
So true.
I think I've seen the dad version too.
It's like a bunch of guys hold a baby and it's like, which one's the dad?
I think, another factor that comes to mind for a couple's identity.
I'm just going to call it synergy.
Like how well they bounce off each other.
Does it just feel like they're super familiar with each other?
And I feel like you can really tell this when they're talking together.
If they're like backing each other up or maybe someone is letting the other person shine.
I feel like those are all little details that affect a couple's identity.
Yes, this is such a good one and I think synergy is the perfect way to describe it because, I'll be completely honest, there have been couples where say, I've known like one of the people in the couple for a longer time and they start dating a new person and then you like see them here and there and you're kind of maybe not voicing it, but internally I might have been thinking okay, this couple doesn't make a ton of sense to me, I don't really see the vision here.
But But then I have definitely had moments where I go into a hangout having some sort of maybe like doubt or confusion about a couple.
And then I see this moment where they just have insane synergy.
Sometimes it's been when someone is telling a story and then the other person like, chimes in with the perfect details.
Other times it's been a perfect moment roast session between the couple, where it's like actually hella funny and I can kind of like understand what their like day-to-day life looks like.
And then, after I witnessed that one moment, I'm like, oh okay, I get it now and I understand this couple and I support it.
Yeah, a couple is just a random ass couple until you see something that you're like, oh okay, this is their thing.
Yes, exactly.
There's, like some couples, where I feel like they're a well-oiled machine, to the point where I'm almost like I wonder if this couple going into hangouts have some sort of game plan, you know.
Yeah.
Dude, I would argue that you and James are a well-oiled machine.
I mean, I guess we've just been together for so long.
I remember there was this one couple that we hung out with.
I was really impressed because halfway through our hangout, I felt like I was so... encouraged by both members of this couple to like spill all the tea you know and I was like sitting there on my soapbox gossiping as much as I could and then halfway through I was like whoa I wonder if they planned it before the hangout to be like oh we should extract as much tea as humanly possible and I was like, dude, they fucking sent me.
But I respect that.
What would you describe this couple's identity as then?
I would describe this couple as not coming across super couple-y, but in the way that their actions and like how they lead slash, go on with a conversation.
Like it was very strategic in a sense.
As a couple, i respected that a lot.
I was like whoa, they're like tag teaming in a way to like guide the conversation.
It was clear that they were like very good at doing it.
They as a couple were like shaping the conversation a certain way and i was like wow, that's like a big couple skill.
I'm going to call them the conversationalists.
Do you have any other identities that you've noticed?
Yes, I feel like there's another archetype too of like the storytellers.
And this is a couple where say you're seated with them at a wedding table or something.
Sometimes you might know all the people around the table.
Sometimes you might not.
But these are the people that can make the entire table laugh with their story.
And they have a set routine where they like bounce back and forth with each other, adding in more details.
And it's just super smooth.
And you're just like captivated by the way they tell the story.
Damn, you got some skilled friends.
I mean, I think some of the archetypes that I can think of are skill-based, but the other ones are maybe more role-based.
One that I can think of is the parent-child combination.
It's not necessarily a bad thing.
Okay.
I think it's just the way the couple is set up, where one person is the one in charge, taking on things that require more responsibility.
So maybe like booking appointments or driving, you know, setting something up, cleaning something afterwards, etc.
And then...
The other person is the entertainment.
They're like the personality.
What's really interesting to me about this role is, I think even within a couple, the parent and child can flip.
Sometimes the other person steps up and then the entertainment is the responsible one.
And then the other person gets to like relax and be funny or whatever.
Yeah.
I've seen this one as well.
I like how one person is just the entertainment.
It was better than saying like the child.
I guess it's kind of like the straight person and then the funny person.
Is that how they describe it in comedy?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think there's also going off of that, the just like fully responsible couple.
Both people are responsible?
Yeah.
So if it's like maybe a group activity or something, the responsible couple is making sure things are happening properly, leading the group maybe, or maybe they did a big chunk of the organizing and then everyone else just kind of thank you so much for planning this.
That reminds me of this one trip that i went on and this couple had planned the entire grocery list, the meal plan, because it was a lot of people so We were going to have to be fed one way or another.
And then even during the trip, they both stepped up to grill cook, make all the protein, delegate tasks to everyone.
And I was just like, wow, power couple.
Yeah.
Okay.
I do feel like sometimes in this case, it's like at least one of the people in that couple is pretty responsible, does a lot of planning.
And so the second person just ends up getting swept up in that responsibility.
True.
Especially in a larger group.
Dude, that actually makes me wonder.
Is there like the opposite version of this, where both people in a couple are like crazy, super fun?
They are, as we have been saying, the entertainment and neither of them are responsible?
Wait I feel like that is totally possible I just cannot think of an example right now.
Yeah.
I'm like, I don't think the couples that I know are necessarily full fun and zero responsibility.
There's usually like a good balance that they have.
Yeah, okay, that's true.
I can definitely see maybe them having minimal responsibility and like more focus on fun.
Yeah, yeah, true.
And now I'm also realizing for these couple identities that they can probably change based on the situation.
So like as I described, you know, if it's a big group and one of them might be more responsible, then maybe in that trip or situation the couple itself becomes more responsible right, but i'm sure if it was a different kind of trip and someone else had stepped up as the responsible one, then that same originally responsible couple could let loose a bit and show a different side of themselves.
Yeah, that is so true.
It's always like a hierarchy of who is the most responsible person in this group.
Yeah.
And then I situate myself on how responsible I need to be.
Yes, exactly.
What you said about setting and how it changes your personality is so true because, even as an individual, I feel like that's a big factor for me.
Who's around me and then what role do I take in this group?
But as a couple, it can be the same thing.
So I think James and I have a completely different couple personality when we're meeting like brand new people versus when we're with our like different friend groups.
When we're meeting brand new people.
I kind of let him take the reins and I'm probably like the more quiet person.
But then in our respective friend groups, I feel like we're both kind of crazy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think in longstanding friend groups it's easier to not be identified as a couple and everyone gets identified as their own person.
Right.
But then like meeting brand new people...
You kind of stick with your partner a little more, because then it's at least like two versus all these unknown people rather than one versus all of these unknown people.
Yeah, I guess there's also the situation where maybe I'm meeting James's friends for the first time, or James is meeting someone that I know really well for the first time.
I feel like that also to an extent like caps how much personality you can have, if that makes sense.
I think so.
They already know James, right?
And then they're meeting me as James's partner for the first time.
Then my identity is already like 50% James's partner.
Okay, true.
Personality traits or like hobbies, you know, things that I might have that can only add up to like 50 more, but I could never be like a completely new individual to them.
So in some ways it kind of takes the pressure off for me sometimes, like I kind of find it hard to like meet new people and like be really open on the first time, but I'm like oh, I'm just James's partner anyways, I don't have to pop my personality pussy.
Yeah, you have that fallback.
Yeah.
The baseline, you can just be like, yeah, that's just me, you know?
Yeah.
Don't mind me.
Exactly.
Oh my God, that's funny.
I agree to a certain extent.
People can learn a lot about you if they're really close to James.
Because then they're like, oh, well, I already know about James.
I want to know about you now.
Oh, yeah, I guess that's true.
I was just like envisioning, you know, a situation where I'm meeting James's coworkers or something.
Okay, yeah.
But I guess that's like pretty specific.
No, I completely agree with that kind of situation where it's like a little more fleeting, I guess.
And you might not even see them that much in the future.
But if it's like a close friend of James that you somehow haven't met yet, then I'm sure they're like more excited to be like oh my God, I want to know much more about you because you're like one of my good friends, partner.
I'm now realizing.
I mean, it's just hard to put me and James in the situation, because we were like quite young when we started dating.
But for you, like you have met a lot of your boyfriends close friends, I'm sure in like waves or batches over the last few years.
So then what is your mindset going into like meeting these people?
Honestly, at first, I didn't have that much of a mindset.
It was just like, cool, like I'm meeting his friends.
But this might sound too self-glazy.
But after a few times, Jimin would keep texting me.
He's like, oh, dude, everyone always has such a good impression after meeting you.
They're like, oh, my God, Crystal's so cool.
I was like, oh, shit, like now I have to keep up this trend.
Like I need to go in prepared and have some stuff to say, I guess, people ask.
You got to keep that streak up.
Yeah.
Aw, that's really cute.
I can also totally see Jimin's friends texting Jimin being like, oh my god, Crystal's so much cooler than you, or whatever.
And you having even more pressure to be cool meeting other people.
Yeah, I feel like I'm not super egotistical, but sometimes I feel like maybe it's also the way that my boyfriend will phrase things.
He's just like always trying to say super nice things.
And after a while, he's like, hmm, maybe this isn't the right way to approach things.
We don't want to blow up your ego too much.
That's sweet, though.
And that's ideal.
Honestly, when you like, are getting folded into someone's life and you like perfectly fall into place where his friends already love you.
So then your individual identity actually takes even more weight in your couple's identity.
People like you as an individual already.
Yeah, and I feel like I can really tell sometimes because they'll know certain traits of mine, I guess.
And it's not just like a couple thing.
So one funny thing that happened recently was Jimin and I went to one of his friend's baby showers.
There was some drinking involved because there was a lot of family and friends.
Jimin's friend was basically like, yeah, we know that you're the drinker in this couple.
So we just planned that you would be drinking with us over like Jimin drinking with us.
Nice.
And I'm like yeah, they wouldn't have necessarily known that if they just had slapped on like a couple identity.
But they actually like know individual things about us.
Wow, it's so interesting to hear about I don't know these things that happen with couples that meet later on in life.
I feel like I had a completely different set of I don't know tasks or like maybe challenges in setting up me and James's couple identity.
Hmm.
I didn't really have to worry or think too hard about like meeting James's close friends, because by the time that we had started dating I had kind of met a lot of his close friends, so I wasn't going into it brand new.
But I feel like the things that I had to worry about were, like How do I balance being friends with his close friends while also being his partner?
Please elaborate.
Okay, one example is I'm really good friends with a lot of James's high school friends who are girls, right.
Yeah.
You included, obviously.
Sometimes there's like this setup where his friends roast James.
Oh, because I'm like kind of in the friend group slash really close friends with everyone.
It's like funny and I laugh.
But then after like a certain line is crossed, I'm like OK well, I am James's partner, but it's like I'm like two roles at once, like one.
Someone in this friend group slash two James's partner and I never know to what extent I keep laughing.
Okay, I totally understand that actually.
Yes, there's a bit of a history with James and the girls, But I will say, now that we're older, the way that he gets roasted, I guess it's dialed back a bit.
So I think you're safe to laugh at all points right now.
Yes, I totally agree.
But I've also had experiences where I feel like me and James will kind of roast each other, but it's not anything crazy.
I wouldn't say we go over the top with roasting each other, but I've had experiences where I'm talking to a couple and
They like go in on roasting each other.
Like they go ham.
They're like almost insulting each other.
And that's like their shtick.
But I've also had experiences where I'm talking to a couple and they like only glaze each other.
There's not that much roasting.
It's just like, oh my God, like this person's so amazing because blah, blah, blah.
Or when that person does something they're like oh yay, great job.
You know, during VP or whatever.
Whereas I don't think me and James would really root for each other like that in like a party setting.
Yeah.
Anytime I'm like with a couple that acts differently from me and James.
It gives me like an identity crisis.
I'm like, should me and James change our couple's identity to match these people?
Oh, my God.
Okay, wait, then does that mean you have identity crisis when you hang out with me and Jimin?
Yeah, it does make me like re-evaluate what me and James do as our current couple's identity and the associated routines that we have.
And I'm like, do we need to be changing it?
Whoa.
Should I be more neutral next time?
No, it's okay.
You guys are pretty balanced, because Jimin glazes you and then you roast or make fun of Jimin, so that it's not like a full glaze or like a full roast couple.
It's like you have your routine and I respect that.
Is it even good that one person only glazes and one person only roasts?
I think it's good because...
As the woman, you're like the one roasting Jimin.
Jimin as the man is the one glazing you.
But if it was the other way around, I would be like maybe slightly uncomfortable.
But we love to keep a man humble and we love to uplift women here.
Yeah.
But if you were to like change your identity with James, what would you do?
Like roast each other more?
No, no, I think it would be the opposite.
I'm like, should I be glazing James more?
Or like, should he be glazing me more?
I guess it would also be weird to like suddenly alter the way we act around people just because other couples that I've seen do something different.
So I haven't seriously considered it.
But I will say like being around couples that cheer each other on more or are like super vocal and praise for each other does make me want to be more supportive.
You know, just as we age, i am constantly evaluating what is actually funny.
I feel like comedy has changed a lot over the years too where like, roasting was really fucking funny back in the day and now that's not like the only way to be humorous.
So yeah, i guess it's just a part of re-evaluating that as well.
I'm gonna just say that there's no need for you to glaze james, he already glazes himself enough.
You're like, please don't change anything.
Because, you know, James can get competitive.
The good thing about him being competitive for himself is that he can self-glaze.
Like he pumps himself up and he believes in himself.
So I'm like, dude, you do not need to feed into that.
We haven't really changed anything up.
And I think you're right.
Our routine already works.
But it's good to always kind of pulse check and see where everyone else is at so that I can evaluate if what we're doing is like normal slash good.
Yeah.
Hey, just to clarify, I'm supportive behind closed doors.
Yes, yes.
I totally believe that.
And I don't think Jimin is someone who needs you to be glazing him all the time either.
So it's just we're just talking about routines here, like public routines, right?
Yeah.
Oh, actually it's kind of the opposite, I think, where I am actually, I would say, pretty supportive in private.
And Jimin actually, dude, he's like kind of mean in private.
Damn!
He'd be roasting me in private.
No, dude, put him on blast right now.
Yeah, our public perception and our private identity, I guess, is sometimes flips.
Interesting.
I mean, he's still supportive in private, but maybe he feels more free to let loose and let some roasts out.
Wow.
He puts his nice guy mask on.
Just kidding.
I honestly can't even imagine him being that mean, even at his full mean age.
That is interesting.
I'm like trying to think about all the other couples that I know.
And I'm like, are they also portraying like an opposite image in public versus behind closed doors?
Because I do think that's a thing.
Even for me as an individual, how I portray myself or choose to portray myself can be completely different than how I feel internally or talk to myself internally.
I think one of the big things is I actually think support, whether it's verbal or whatever, is another form of PDA.
And that just makes me really uncomfortable in public.
Whoa, wait, that's so fucking funny.
Yeah.
So, you know, it's just my defense mechanism.
Oh, is that why, when Jimin glazes you, you are forced to roast him, to be like guys guys this, This isn't PDA, okay.
I'm cutting it back a notch.
Honestly, maybe.
Oh my god, that's so funny.
Dude, it kind of is a form of PDA.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Wow.
But I will say that couples that verbally support each other aren't always the ones who have PDA.
Interesting.
That's fair, yeah.
I just can't handle any form of PD.
Honestly, couples should all just be like platonic in public and then you can only be affectionate behind closed doors.
So that is like kind of my goal in my couple identity, I guess.
If you looked at us, you should think we're just friends or something.
You shouldn't realize that we're a couple until, I don't know, we like leave together or something.
That is hella funny.
Honestly, I agree with you.
But I will say, the one form of sort of PDA that I do like and I even enjoy seeing in other couples is like seeing the little bits and pieces of ways that people take care of each other in a couple, whether it's like picking up your partner's trash afterwards because you're taking yours to the trash bag anyway.
Helping take care of the golf clubs or something after golf.
Small things and ways that you show up for your partner.
That isn't necessarily hugging kissing, holding hands, whatever.
Yeah, that's totally fair.
There still needs to be a certain level of care that you're seeing between couples.
You're like defining the bare minimum things that you have to do to be a couple.
But I do have to ask do you feel like there's any really maybe standout or obvious times when you and James's couple identity kind of shifts or is different among different groups or settings?
I think there is.
The clearest shift to me is when we hang out with his friends versus my friends.
We have known each other for so long to where like a lot of it is kind of morphed.
Like I wouldn't necessarily call James's high school friends only his friends, but I feel like they're our friend groups where it is a little bit more James leaning versus me leaning.
And in those circumstances, I feel like the role of the entertainer is shifted.
Like maybe I talk a little bit more, like tell more stories or something.
When it's my friends versus with James's friends, he's probably the one making more jokes, or whatever.
So then In that case, I think the other person takes a step back a little bit.
Also, have you actually seen your friends as couples shift their personality based on the setting?
No.
Honestly, I have.
I think I've seen something similar with some of my close friends.
And it's easier to see this when they host stuff, right?
And you're like invited to something that they're hosting.
But I've seen my friend do something similar where...
If it's her friends and her party, then she's the one chatting, telling more stories, making more jokes, going around doing rounds.
And then the guy is the one stepping back versus when we were with his friends.
I had never seen this guy talk so much ever.
I was like, oh, they have their own routines and schticks too, depending on their setting.
So that was kind of interesting.
But I guess it's kind of normal.
It's like when your partner is with their friends, you kind of take a step back and support them during their hangout, not try to make yourself the only focal point.
That's true.
One thing I've noticed is definitely a shift for, like my couple, identity is actually when we're hanging out with adults.
Ooh.
Not to say that we're not adults.
I'm still coming to terms with that.
But the actual grownups.
Exactly.
One good example is like hanging out with family.
How do you think it shifts for you guys?
Actually, it's pretty interesting because Jimin's Chinese is like really good.
Mine is passable.
And mine's also been getting worse because I don't live with my parents anymore.
So I don't speak Chinese on the daily anymore.
So when we hang out with my parents, I feel like Jimin is actually able to speak a lot and like, really like not just be the quiet boyfriend, but he's proactive and speaking with my parents.
And my parents enjoy speaking with him because they're like oh dude, this kid's Chinese is like really good.
So we don't have to speak like that.
The way we speak to Crystal, I guess.
Damn.
Dude, and sometimes they like gang up on me and they roast my Chinese.
Where is the Jimin that glazes you that I know?
One time we were out eating and we were at this Chinese restaurant.
I forgot what the topic was, but at one point my dad called me a wenmeng, which means illiterate, basically.
Damn, that's fucking brutal.
Dude, yeah.
I was like wait, what the fuck?
And then jimmy was like, oh my god, she totally is Just sitting there like what is happening.
Yeah, I'm like, dude, excuse me.
I'm like, I can read some words, okay?
More recently, we were out eating again, and my dad looked at the menu.
He took one look.
He was like, oh, dude, Crystal definitely cannot read this menu.
And I was like, dude, why am I catching strays?
I love how it's becoming like a running thing.
It's like the joke they can always fall back on.
So I feel like that is...
Just like a cool shift with more Asian adults, I guess, or with Chinese adults.
Jimin can like shine with his Chinese speaking abilities.
And I think another setting where it might change a bit is.
You mentioned this earlier too but, like whenever we're meeting coworkers or in a more formal setting like that, we both try to be more, you know, mature and responsible seeming.
It's like putting your professional face on.
Yeah, exactly.
And going to meet coworkers.
Yeah.
Although I did have a funny experience where the very first time my coworkers met him, my team lead.
She was like so what are your intentions with our crystal?
So cute.
Yeah.
I guess because I am the youngest in my team.
So I don't know if they see it in any way, but maybe they're like oh, she's our little baby, I guess.
That's funny.
I mean, I think it's always nice to have someone who is able to like switch back and forth between the their like casual selves and their professional selves really seamlessly I probably find it a little bit harder than James does.
So then I also like when he's able to step up and put his professional hat on and like be the more active person in these conversations so that I don't have to be like overthinking what I'm about to say or like just feel a little bit less comfortable in that element.
Let's say you're both about to go to some sort of hangout.
Are you ever like, all right, you and I, we have to behave at this hangout.
Dude, we do do a lot of pre-event game plan setting.
I guess that's like the easiest way to describe it.
Because okay, one really easy example is like there's times where you go up for a hangout and let's say I'm feeling super tired, or like James is feeling really tired.
Then he'll be like, okay, you have to like carry tonight.
I'm like, don't worry.
I feel really refreshed.
We'll be good.
Oh my God.
I love that.
And I guess the reverse is like sometimes we'll do postmortem analysis about the event that we just attended.
Dude, is this work?
Are we in the office right now?
It's just natural, right?
Like reflecting on what just happened.
And there have been times where James was like say, stuck in a conversation that maybe he didn't want to be for a long time or something.
Because of that, I was able to like, go and have fun with my friends or do whatever, like be more carefree, and then he'll be like damn, you owe me one.
Oh my god, that's so funny.
You guys are funny, do you guys not do anything like this?
I think maybe the most is I'm like all right, we need to behave.
We can't be acting out.
We need to be real people when we hang out with these people.
Sure.
Oh, maybe I'll give some debriefs on people or I'll ask for debriefs on people that I haven't met.
Yeah.
I'm always like, who's there?
Who's going?
Yeah.
Actually, I guess sometimes there is a debrief later, but it's probably it's more like me being nitpicky.
You're like, why did you say this to this person?
I briefed you about it beforehand.
Sometimes I'm like, oh, my God, were you not having fun?
Like you started disassociating at the end on your phone or something.
And he was like, no, it was OK.
And I was like, next time you just tell me and we could leave.
Yeah, it's OK.
Or something like that.
I guess that is also a natural one.
One person wants to leave.
If James starts to pull back socially, then I feel like I have to like talk more or something.
It's like these little things that you notice when you're in the couple, but to other people you're just both like completely normal.
Dude, probably like no one even cares.
They're like, oh yeah, nothing was weird.
It's very interesting to see what is more normal and commonplace, even within the couple of routines that we have.
It seems like some sort of briefing slash analysis after is normal, but maybe not so much the full game plan setting.
Yeah.
Okay, I will say we did have a more serious debrief after there was a period of time where every time we went out we would end up staying out too late or just like not the ideal conditions coming back.
So we had to talk it through and be like, okay...
You know, if you want to leave, you have to say it.
Like, whoever wants to leave, just signal it somehow, text it to each other, like make it clear so that we're not accidentally there for hella long, because we think everyone wants to stay.
Oh no, I have flashbacks to a couple of long nights that we had.
Yeah probably some of those are part of the conversation.
I can just see the few weeks that led up to this conversation.
I guess after that debrief we all became responsible suddenly and we haven't had late nights just like as groups in a while.
I think we hit like a certain tipping point and then we all had the same debrief with our partners.
Probably.
Now when we stay out late, it's like girls only.
Yeah.
But I do actually always notice when couples turn to each other and give each other that look of like we gotta go.
I always see it out of the corner of my eye.
And I'm like, oh, interesting.
So that's your signal.
That's your tell.
Oh, dude, my tell might be even more obvious.
Sometimes I'm literally like, For our listeners, I just like point at the door with my thumb.
I think the most subtle tell that I've seen is just prolonged eye contact between a couple.
They like look into each other's eyes for like three seconds and then suddenly one of them is like so we have to go.
You're like, oh, that was a conversation.
Just a full visual conversation.
Yeah.
I think okay, there are some times where we have a brief game plan where I'm just like hey, no matter what happens to me, let's leave at 1030.
Something like that.
Because you know I'm like the messier one.
Hey, I'm right there with you.
Yeah, there's also been times where, like Me and James, have a game plan going in and then something happens along the way.
Things get muddled and then we have to have like an immediate conversation in the car.
Yeah, that conversation back home.
Yeah, the long car ride.
Well, hopefully it's been happening less now.
Yeah.
And I think we'll take turns, you know.
Yeah.
Okay.
I do remember one time where I guess we each either had a talking to or had a talking from our partner and we were in New York and we were at some random party that we got invited to.
You and I were discussing it.
We're like, okay, we need to leave by like midnight latest.
Yeah.
Whoever brought it up first, the other person was like, oh my God.
Yeah.
Same.
Like we've been having conversations about this.
Like, We're on the clock right now.
And then I remember we would both give nervous glances back to our partners as the time got closer and closer.
We're like, oh, shoot.
We started having fun, though.
But we need to be responsible.
We need to go home still.
Just like nervously looking back and forth.
But then they ended up having fun.
That is true.
Unfortunately for them, that night was a very late night.
However, it wasn't like you and me dragging the night on.
The group was dragging the night on.
Yeah, everyone was having fun.
Well, this was honestly such a fun episode to record.
I feel like it's very interesting to kind of take a step back and observe the ins and outs of what it's like being in a couple and the small routines or small habits that we have stacked up over the years.
So thank you Crystal, for sitting down and talking to me about our couple identities and personalities today.
And for any of our listeners out there.
If there are any factors that you think also determine a couple's identity that we didn't talk about, then feel free to shoot us a note.
We have Instagram at eatyourcrispod and we also have email eatyourcrispod at gmail.com.
And don't forget to follow us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, wherever you listen to your podcasts.
We upload new episodes every other Wednesday morning.
Thanks for listening.
And don't forget to eat your crust.
