It's painful.
It's beautiful.
It's tragic.
Why are you in my dreams?
Give me peace.
My love for him will never, never, never die.
You just want to lick it.
Gosh, rip my heart off.
This sucks.
This is terrible.
This hurts so much.
I can't believe this is going on the internet.
Hello and welcome to Hot Pursuit, a podcast about creating conversations where nothing is off limits.
This podcast is produced by Asian Boss Girl.
Shout out and thank you to Evergrace for sending us these like cocoons that we are enveloped.
My name is Em and I saw my ex maybe two months ago with his new girlfriend.
My name is Jen and I might still love my ex.
You do?
We'll talk about it.
Okay.
I'm Madeline and all of my exes love me.
Yes, they do.
They really do.
We'll get into it.
We'll get into it.
We'll get into it.
Today we're talking about our favorite exes and we needed extra like comfort, comfort and support, talking about this episode.
Um, so you guys, what is one habit that you still keep that you learned from your ex?
My ex had this fixation where he had to wash his hands before every meal.
That's good.
Yeah.
Like every meal.
It was like a... Even a snack.
Yeah.
Even if he's eating like a wrapped bar.
Yeah.
I need to go wash my hands.
I'll be right back.
So sometimes when I'm washing my hands before a meal, I think of him.
One of my exes taught me that you can open those grocery produce bags, those like really thin plasticky ones by just touching some produce, getting some moisture on your hands and then using that to open it up.
So i still do that to this day and i think about him too.
Every time i open.
I'm like thank you for the top tip.
You don't do what like the Chinese aunties do to like spit.
No, that's gross.
I see them do that all the time.
I'd rather use, like, broccoli water.
Yes, broccoli water.
Sanitary.
And also cold showers from a different ex.
He taught me how to do cold showers.
Oh, gosh.
It really helps with, like, waking up.
Oh.
Yeah.
It sucks, but, like, it feels really good.
Those aren't for me.
I could never um one of my exes whenever he would talk about himself.
I actually did this to jen today, he would.
He would say, like because everything is about me, because he would like actually never talk about himself, you know, but like he was really self-aware.
So yeah, are you remembering when i did that to you today?
You do that a lot.
You say that all the time.
Yeah, i didn't know that was from him.
I found it really endearing that he did that.
I don't do it because of him.
Yeah, you say that a lot.
Yeah, I mean, like I said.
These blankets are so hot.
They're so hot, they're so funny.
Should we emerge?
We should just like emerge.
Okay, so today we're talking about our favorite exes.
Why was your favorite ex your favorite?
I have two favorite exes for different reasons.
Yeah, there's one, we were never like truly official, but like I will seriously love him forever.
We knew each other as like kids, like we weren't, it was like, late teens to early twenties.
We knew each other like in that formative period of time.
And we became like we're really, really, truly just good friends.
And like he made me laugh the hardest like anyone has ever made me laugh, because I don't know.
We just have the same sense of humor.
So like we could we could just like insult each other.
And so I really felt like a best friend and I like I really loved him.
And we both we have like this pact that we signed to like chase our dreams and we signed them.
It was like five, six years ago, like for me, i'm like i want to move to la, i want to be a youtuber, i want to be an actor and these are the steps i'm going to take.
I'm going to take them.
I signed it.
He's like i want to do this with my life and he signed it and so, even though we're not talking anymore, like i still get to like observe him, like actually doing those things over social media and um, i'm just like i'm so proud of him, Yeah.
So he was my favorite because we were just, we were kids together and we were we just like, really loved each other a lot.
And then My other favorite ex.
I loved him because he was.
He treated me like a princess and he was so kind and I've never met anyone like as considerate as him.
And he had like the best memory.
And literally if I sneeze, he hands me a tissue.
It's as easy as that.
And I can just say something like oh my gosh, i'm hungry.
He's already on it, he's like making me something that i like.
I just, i just, i miss them so much.
Oh yeah yeah yeah, if you could only pick one, You have to pick one.
It is the favorite.
Probably the first one.
He's my favorite for you too.
Oh, did you guys see Past Lives?
Yeah yeah, i sobbed that last scene because i thought of us, because that was like oh, that was well the last time we like parted ways.
It felt just like that yeah, just like silent understanding, but like there's nothing you can do about it and you just have to break up.
Oh no.
Yeah.
It's like words cannot even be spoken.
Yeah.
To express.
Yeah.
I miss him a lot.
He's like truly like, I feel like my twin flame in this life.
Yeah.
Yep.
And ran into him at a club like a few months ago.
That sucked.
I was like, oh, hello.
First time we've spoken in four years.
Yeah, that was after years too.
But it was really good to see him.
I'm like, ah, like I know I've seen your journey and you've come so far and I hope you've seen mine.
And we've changed so much.
So even if we did like ever talk again, I think it would be different.
But like, I really honored that time that we had together.
Yeah.
How about you Mads?
My favorite ex?
Ah, I love him.
Yeah.
I love him so much.
I wish he was Endgame.
I've never met him.
Does he watch?
Do you think he watches?
No, I don't.
He definitely doesn't watch.
He was my favorite for so many reasons.
He was really smart, super intelligent, just emotionally sensitive humble, which is really hard to find.
Impossible to find.
Yeah, yeah.
And I think he respected me and respected what I had to say, which I have found throughout the years.
A lot of men don't care.
They would want to talk to you because you're a sounding board for them, but they actually don't care about what your thoughts are.
About you yeah, or they think your thoughts are interesting, whether there's not necessarily merit behind them, or they just like, want you there, to be like a companion for them yeah whereas yes, like you are supplemental to their life.
Yeah, and it's really obvious because like, you'll have the same conversations but you can just tell what the difference of intention is.
Yes yes, and for him you said he really cared about what you had to say.
Yes, and also it was when I was much younger.
So I think- That's rare.
Yeah, it wasn't.
It is so rare.
I like didn't.
I didn't know how to distinguish yet.
I think that he was actually like so special yeah yeah um, i miss him for you.
I miss him too.
Yeah, like she kept conversation, like screenshots of their conversations, and like she would send them to me to read and they're like so sweet and you can tell he's like so intelligent, so smart, but that he really respected her and that he loved her so much, and i just it's just crazy and really discouraging at how rare that truly is, like that kind of connection.
Yeah, why did it end?
It's really unfortunate because I actually I like wrote this note and I said I was just trying to get my feelings and I was saying like it feels in a lot of ways, you kind of feel like the one that got away for me, but that feels wrong to say because I'm the one that walked away from you.
Oh, you know so, like i, we didn't work out for like a plethora of reasons.
Oh, that hurts my heart.
Yeah, there's so much honesty and truth.
We didn't work out for a plethora of reasons, and like I don't think we would have worked out, but I just always wanted a life with him.
Like I saw a future with him.
I saw what it would look like and I just wanted it.
And I've never I've never had that with anyone else.
Like I will really enjoy the person I'm dating, or like I might try to look for a future.
But like, I know that my future with him also would have been unsatisfactory on many levels.
But the heart just knows what it wants.
You know what I mean?
And I don't I mean, I'm not like sad about it, but I'm sad about it.
I'm sad I never got to meet him.
I would love for you guys to meet him.
He's really awkward.
We should get our exes on here and have them talk to each other.
He would not be down.
I have exes that would be down.
He would not be down.
And that's what makes him special.
That's what makes him great.
I don't think I could handle it.
But I've never heard you talk about and have such awe and respect for a man the way that you do.
When you talk about this one, you like you can see it in her eyes.
They're like lighting up.
Yeah, like the way she like it looks when she thinks about him.
You can see like her pupils are dialing.
Yeah, the honor, respect which is so rare.
Who's your ex?
What's his name?
Your favorite ex.
My favorite ex.
Well, he's my favorite because I've never met someone with a heart as big and wide as his was in men.
I've met a lot in other women, but just not in men as much, and how giving he was to every person in his life.
Time and time again.
I remember he would just surprise me with how much he was able to love the people in his life.
I was one of many.
But even when he was hurt by others, he would just have this unending reserve of more forgiveness to give more grace, to give more hope for someone in his life that I was just so in awe of that.
And so I always say with with him, like I feel like my heart grew bigger, just to like, hold more of his heart, you know.
So.
That hurts.
I know.
I think about him all the time.
Wow.
I think that's the kind of relationship a lot of people long for.
Like someone that's willing to grow with them in order to behold all that they are.
And that's what you did for him.
Yeah.
And it sounds like that's what he did for you too.
Yeah yeah, like i can truly say like we made each other better.
Wow, we made each other like i.
I wouldn't be, in many dimensions, the person that i am today, and it was hard with him because we stayed friends for many years afterwards, which did not help me get over him at all but like, as he moved on to like new relationships and like all of that, he would always say our time together was essential for me becoming the person that I can, the man that I can, to be their best.
For these new relationships.
Wait why, okay?
Why did it end?
It's hard with him because um, it was in my early 20s and our paths were kind of diverging and Nothing bad happened, nothing like we didn't end on bad terms.
It was truly just like where he was headed and where I was headed.
It would have been more difficult and we'd have to have like sacrificed and compromised so much.
And at a young age, when we, we just felt like it wasn't quite right yet.
Um, So that's why we ended, which I think makes me always think back and wonder like man should I have like given it more of a shot?
And there was like several months later, like a year later, we were like, should we try again?
And I was like, ah, I think it's not quite right.
Like there's so much more life and growing and refining for each of us to have that we didn't want to limit each other too, but it was such a special time in your life.
Yeah, there's always that notion of like right person, wrong timing and ultimately that means like wrong person.
But that feeling, but you get a little bit of the right person for the time being you do like that's so magical.
Yeah, do you guys have any like songs that you associate?
Oh, my god, i cannot hear them out.
Do you have any in mind?
I do.
There's one song by Glass Animals called Creatures in Heaven.
I know.
We never listened to the song together because it came out years after we were broken up.
It talks about two souls lying together just staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling.
Just talking about dreams.
It just paints this lovely vignette of what it means to imagine with someone and to just have your soul bear before someone, but knowing it's like completely safe with them.
And so every time I hear that song, I just think about like the time I had with him when we were just like talking about our dreams and being like super wide-eyed about life, and like I really want to do this and I can see this for you too and you can.
You really want to do this and I'm rooting for you, and so, like I feel like even now, I hope so.
I I think I think it's true that like we both carry that with us and like we're rooting for each other, just on the sidelines and far away, but like I've always believed in him and his ability to like get to where he wants to go.
So yeah, and he believed in you too.
Yeah yeah, he was like the first guy.
It just felt so pure, like the, the purity of, like his like awe of me.
Yeah, I've never had that before because it's just like guys are just like man, you're a girl blah, blah.
But like yeah, I remember we were hanging out with him and his friends and they were like oh wow, she's really good at this game.
And he just said in passing, he's like, she's good at everything.
I remember this story.
Yeah.
And like, I never asked him to say that.
And like, because we were always at each other's necks.
There was seldom any like instances where he was like, truly share his feelings.
But for him to just say that out loud in front of his friends.
I was like really touched to hear that.
I was like, you think that about me?
You care about me like that?
Yeah.
So it's just like that childlike wonder that I got to share with someone else.
Yeah.
Glass animals, creatures in heaven.
Listen to it.
That's about you.
Yeah, it's about you.
How about you guys?
Do you have songs?
Do I have songs?
Yeah.
The song is about a love that is fierce.
And there's a lyric that's part of the chorus.
It's like a tidal wave crashing over me.
Your love is fierce.
And that's kind of how I feel about the way it was.
It felt like to be loved by him.
It's like it was full and all at once and engulfing.
Oh my gosh, wow.
Yeah.
And so pure and so full.
So safe.
So safe.
And he was the one that showed me the song.
Every time I hear the song I can remember exactly where we were.
Yeah, it was like it was like by these river where, like a bunch of rivers meet, and it was after we went.
We'd gone to a baseball game on a date and we were walking around and milling around.
It was like kind of golden hour time and he was like i love this song so much like i just want to like this type of love is like insane.
And then he like was like playing it next ear.
Oh yeah, that's so cute.
Wait, how old?
I can't hear that song in public immediately.
I'm just like i need to leave this grocery store where i need to leave.
Wait, how old are you?
I was.
When you guys were in this relationship.
Early 20s.
Okay.
Yeah.
I was.
How old were you?
Mid 20s.
Or it was teenage to like 26.
Wow.
How about you?
Yeah.
Mine was, I think I was in my twenties.
Okay.
Yeah.
This is so opportune because I feel like, um, I have this, I don't, I don't have a song actually.
Let me just read this.
You know, it's just just a couple, just it's funny because I literally just wrote this like a couple of days ago and it's.
It's so just just a little bit, but I feel like this will answer your question.
It's in a note called Dear You.
Okay.
This is crazy.
I don't know why I'm doing this.
Okay.
This is in a note called Dear You to answer your question about is there a song that I think of?
Okay.
I write this as I listened to the playlist you made for me in the early stages of our relationship.
You so proudly placed your favorite photo of me hung over on a snow covered New York rooftop from the first time I visited you as the playlist cover photo.
You were the first person to make a playlist for me.
Many guys have done it since then, but I was always skeptical.
It was a template they copy and pasted for girls prior and I knew that you made mine because I watched you put the songs on there.
No one's music taste has been as good since.
Crazy.
Damn.
Wild.
I don't know why.
I just did that so to answer your question.
So it's like it's not one song, it's all the songs, it's a whole playlist.
Yeah, oh man, how often do you listen to it?
Yeah, she's crying.
There's like another.
I wrote more about how like, so sweet, but so basically, any song on that playlist um, no one will ever know, Is it public?
All the songs.
I don't think so.
Oh, dang it.
You're right.
I think it's so interesting how our favorite exes kind of come from the same time in our life.
It's like this time of where we're not really sure who we are and we're discovering ourselves, but we're discovering ourselves alongside someone else who's able to see us in the way that we might not be.
We might not have been able to see us.
Yes.
In that first place.
And that I don't know what.
I don't know what makes it so special, but it's like it feels.
So it feels innocent and it feels like the storybooks you know, like the magic storybooks with like dragons and like a tree house.
Yeah, just something unpretentious, but something really real.
When there's nothing else motivating it other than just wanting to love someone else.
At that time, no one has money.
You're not thinking about settling down.
Logistics are not really.
Yeah.
Your heart beats for them and it wants to give everything to them and all the capacity of your heart that you have to give.
You just want to give to them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I feel like it's also there may be our favorites, because you look back on that time that you spent together and you feel like you left each other better than you were before the relationship started, which is like the most beautiful thing.
I hope so.
You stoked each other's dreams.
You like saw gifts within each other.
We took each other's link.
So they reach out, they text you today.
What do you say?
What do you say?
What do they say?
Do you respond?
Of course!
Yes, of course.
I'm going to talk to them.
Aren't they in relationships though?
One of them's married, right?
Is yours married?
Yeah, he's married.
Oh.
Mine's been in like a very long-term relationship.
What would you say?
Are they married or in the relationship when they text you?
Does it matter?
I feel like I would trust them because I don't think they would text us to get back in a relationship.
I think they would text just to check in.
Because I trust them to respect their relationship too.
So I feel like if they were to text, I'd be like what is this about?
What do you, what do you want to talk about?
Like it feels like it would truly be just like a hi, how are you?
Like, i really want to know how you're doing.
Just like soul to soul, pure again.
Yeah, the intention is yeah, that's why i would say yes, because i trust them to be good people.
Yeah absolutely, i would die.
I would feel like i'd be so happy.
Yeah, What do you wanna talk about?
Do you wanna go get a sandwich?
Do you wanna talk for hours about like how far you've come in your career?
Yeah.
I think the way I think about this person, this favorite ex, is like It happened and the time period together was romantic love.
But the way I feel about him now is just like a deep care for who he is and rooting for him, hoping he's happy, being proud of him, like hoping that all of this, the dreams and things he said back then that he wanted to build into his life like, are coming to fruition.
Now you know.
So it's just like the care for him as a human transcends beyond what form it takes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If he texted you, He would not respond.
There's no way.
I didn't say that I wouldn't respond.
I don't know what I would say.
What would you think he would say?
I don't know.
That's the thing.
I don't think he would.
So you don't even think that this hypothetical situation would ever happen.
Yeah, which is why I wrote this letter because Because, well, I've written many, but like.
Yeah.
To him?
To everyone.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But I don't, I don't think he would.
If he did, I think we would be like much older.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It gives me the hippy-jippies thing about it.
About him texting you?
Yeah.
I think I would like screenshot it first and then cry and then send it to you guys and be like what do I say?
I would screenshot it.
My heart would drop, and then my heart rate would exceed anything that it's ever reached in the past.
I would stare at it for maybe a whole day before replying.
And the reply would be like, hey, what's up?
Hi.
Actually, my first thought would actually be, I hope nothing happened with his relationship.
Because otherwise, why would you be texting me?
Exactly.
And if nothing is going on with your relationship, don't text me.
Yeah, yeah.
Like I would lose respect for you if you were texting me while your relationship you expect to continue.
Yeah.
Well, if the purpose is like questionable.
Yeah, if the intent was questionable.
Which is why we've never been texted.
No.
Yeah.
Because these men are brilliant and wonderful.
Yeah.
Respectful men.
He would text me happy birthday for like a few years afterwards.
And I was always like, Oh.
You see it in her eyes?
Yeah.
It's me just trolling.
For mine, we used to give each other birthday gifts every single year.
And then we had as friends, and then we had our little thing.
And then after it ended in the spring.
And so I thought we just like would stop communicating altogether.
But for my birthday he sent me something, just like out of the blue.
Yeah, he sent me something and he, it was just like really pleasant, hope you had a great birthday.
Or like he what did he call me?
Dingbat or something?
Oh, your gold nickname.
He's like hey dingbat, happy birthday, hope you had a great birthday.
That was it, and it was just like Simple, to the point, no frills.
I'm thinking of you.
I put in the effort.
I cried.
I cried.
It takes so little.
He could so much just look at me and I would probably cry.
It's so intimate.
I have this recurring dream about this guy.
It happens once, I don't know, every maybe year and a half.
So it's not all the time.
But when it happens, I'm not thinking about him.
I actually don't think about him very much.
But when I dream about him, I'm just like, why are you in my dreams?
Give me peace.
Um, he's just checking in to see if you're still thinking oh my god.
But every time in the dream, like we're so happy to be reunited it's, it's super um, what is the word?
It's super wholesome.
We don't ever do anything.
We like maybe, we we hug maybe, but we just like, our eyes are just suspended looking at each other and we don't even talk much.
But there's so much, There's just so much understanding and just like, oh God.
She's imagining the scene happening.
Yeah.
Just staring at each other.
Yes.
There's so much that's being said through the gaze.
Yes.
So much is said through the eyes.
So much.
You can see everything.
Because the thing is like we know them intimately and well enough to know every thought that is passing, as their eyes are changing like moment to moment.
You know what I mean.
The same way that, like, when we would look in each other's eyes, like, we know.
We know exactly what's going on.
Yeah.
There's always, like, years passing.
Drip my heart out.
Yeah oh, in the dream.
In the dream, we look at each other and it's just like oh, it's been another, it's been.
Yeah like, oh god, that hurts.
Every time i wake up i'm just like what do you want from me?
Yeah, i do, i do.
How often do you dream about him?
Probably like once a year.
Oh.
Yeah.
Every couple of months maybe.
Oh, okay.
It's so odd.
Yeah.
I'm always happy.
Yeah.
Your brain keeps them.
Because I'm like, oh, I get to see you again.
Oh.
Yeah.
We're usually just like, we used to go on a lot of walks.
At night.
So in my dream, we're just like walking around at night.
And then at the end, right before I wake up, it's always like the beginning of a conversation of like, so should we try.
And then I wake up.
Oh, man.
It's always like, should we try this again?
And then I wake up every time.
That's like a nightmare.
I know.
Then I wake up and then I'm like, my alarm's going off and then I have to join a work meeting.
And I'm like, how do you expect me to do my job?
Your whole day is thrown off.
Because it's crazy.
Dreams are so weird because the emotions are real.
It feels like you saw them.
It feels like you had that conversation.
It feels like you were there.
So then you're like i'm useless in this morning stand-up meeting yeah, as you just play everything back.
Yeah yeah, do you have dreams about?
Yeah, what are your dreams, em?
Yeah, it's always the same and it's like for the past freaking like four years, i think, it's been at least twice a week and i'm just like can you please leave me alone?
Yeah, i thought it was bad for me.
Twice a week is always really haunting you.
I'm not even.
I'm not not even like thinking about him in my day.
No, that's the thing you're never thinking about.
Just like comes and visits me yeah, and it's always.
It's always like twice a week is crazy.
It's always the same scene in a different location.
It's like he's there and he's like oh, it's so good to see you again, and then his girlfriend is also there And she's just it's like both of them.
And I'm like, and then I will ask him, is this OK that we're talking?
It's the same thing over and over.
Yeah.
And then and then we exchange like a good like, oh, I'm proud of you.
And then I wake up.
Twice a week is- And that's just all in a day's work.
Thankfully it hasn't happened in quite a while, but I can't say for sure that it's like over.
It's every four days.
Even when I was like dating my- last boyfriend.
Oh, that feels so bad to say.
Like I would still have dreams about him.
And I would wake up, I feel so bad.
I'm like, leave me alone, please.
Yeah.
No, me too.
Yeah.
But I know there's just like a part of my heart and a part of my brain that's just like latched onto him because he means so much to me and he represents so much.
About me.
That phrase, like, you have a piece of my heart, it's just, like, true.
It's true.
Like, it's not even, like, it's because I can't give more to the next person.
No.
It's just, like, that meant so much.
And, like, that is history.
That makes you you.
That was time spent together.
That piece is yours.
It is.
It really is.
It's been yours forever.
Yeah.
Sorry, even if you want it or not, like it's yours and it has your name on it.
Yeah, yeah.
So Jen, in your dream, you're always wondering should we try again?
Yeah okay, barring all current relationships.
Tears welling in her eyes yeah, Like if he wasn't married.
Yeah, barring any current relationships.
He texts you, you guys talk, and he's like, should we give this another shot?
What do you say?
Oh, my God.
Yes.
She didn't even flip.
Like that was immediate.
Yeah, i believe in him so much like i believe in him and i, if he, if i could just watch him become all that he is and be a part of that, i would like you don't.
You don't need to see who he's become like, you don't need to even like, you don't need to suss out the person he is now.
Oh well, how long of a combo is this?
The thing is, I know him so well that I know it's not.
I guess I should ask this question.
She's like, yes.
You're pretty confident though.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because I feel like I know all of his roots and what makes him him.
Even if he's gone down some left field path, I know that that is not him and that is not the core of who he is.
I'm like, okay, great, let's get you back on track.
But I know who you are and seeing all of that grow and evolve and blossom would just be like the greatest joy and honor.
So yeah, so my answer would be yes, but i should probably ask more questions.
That's good, that's very good.
The heart speaks first.
Yeah, what about?
What about emily?
Oh, that's so hard.
It's been so long.
That's so hard.
I'm like a very different person.
So, like the reason, the reason why I ended, was because we had very different lifestyles, like different beliefs, which are very important.
Um yeah, to adhere to, like when you're thinking about a long-term relationship.
But I wish I just like tried, even if it didn't work out, I wish I tried a little bit.
I feel like our lifestyles are more aligned now.
Ever since like moving to LA and like exploring the world, experiencing the world.
But I don't know.
I think i would be down to be friends again, like i would be down to have him back in my life because, like i really do value every thing he has to say and like all that he is, and like he's just such a brilliant, warm person that like there's just no one like him.
But i don't know if i would want.
I don't know, it's hard, it's hard, it's really hard because i'm such a different person now.
Like i feel like everything that he gave me in terms of like his confidence in me and everything that i clung on to i don't need that anymore because i'm, like so much more confident in myself, developed it.
Yeah, you can't replace a friendship like that.
Yeah, yours was truly a friends to lovers story.
Yeah.
I would love to be friends with him again and just like joke around.
I would love for you to be friends with him too.
I know.
I would love for you to meet him.
He's the best.
He's honestly the best.
You never met him.
I didn't meet him, but he's my favorite for you.
Yeah.
We've never met each other.
We actually have never met.
We all haven't met each other's favorite exes.
It's true.
Yeah.
I can't confidently say yes, so it'll be a no.
But I do want him in my life.
Oh.
Yeah.
I just, I love him so much.
Like.
Yeah, my love for him will never never, never die.
You know, like when you break up with someone, you say like i'll always love you.
No really, i always love you.
It's a problem?
Yeah, i will always love you and i will always cheer for you.
Mm-hmm, i'm like a corner in your corner.
It hurts, It does.
And since dating other people, I don't feel that way about them.
No, there's never been anyone like him.
No one even came close.
There's never been a friendship with a guy that I've had that was ever close to him.
And I don't think I'll ever have a friendship like that again.
Because it was based off childhood awe and wonder.
So that part is irreplaceable.
And I would just love to have him back in my life.
Would you get back with your ex if he texted you?
He's single.
If he's single.
He's been single for a while.
And he's like, hey, Madeline.
He was like, you're the only one for me, I've realized now.
I've been thinking about our relationship all these years since, too.
The thing is, he's also a different person, and I know it.
I've heard through.
I know he's addressed some of the things you know, like he and I know he's a different.
Yeah, that he needed to at the time.
And so like when we were together, he did not address those issues and like now he has.
And so I feel like he's probably a much different person and I also am a much different person.
So similar to Em, like, I'm not sure.
I don't have confidence in it.
I would have to see who he has become.
And I think my heart would really want to give it a shot, even if I knew that it wasn't going to work.
But I just can't let it go without trying and being proven that it's for sure not going to work, because there were so many things like working against us at the time that like I know that it probably wouldn't have worked out.
And I still kind of know it's not going to work out.
But yeah, but I just it would just be nice.
It would just be nice to revisit that and just like be in that space again.
Yeah.
The regret of not trying might haunt you later.
Yeah yeah, i remember like when i was really young, i wrote in my journal like i just wanted a taste with you, you know, and i feel the same way now, like if you were to ask me again oh my gosh, i would just need a taste again.
Oh my gosh, That is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever heard.
Because I know it's not going to work, but like, I just need.
You just want to lick it.
I just need a little bit.
But I guess like where does the confidence that you have come from that it wouldn't work?
Well, it's like I can see the life before us and I know where I would be unsatisfied, and I also know where he would be unsatisfied.
And I know that we would probably grow to be what is the word co-existing?
We would grow to be co-existing and maybe a little bit, maybe a little bit resentful too, and so i think it's wiser if we choose not to take that route.
But then i know there would be space for things like there is.
There will be things that are left to be desired if we were to continue.
Yeah, and it's just not like like when you know that your heart is gonna want other things.
Yeah, it's not even like other people, it's just other things in life that this person may not necessarily be.
Yeah, you know, encouraging or making easy yeah so oh, what a painful topic.
Yeah, it's painful, it's beautiful, it's tragic.
It makes your heart throb and expand and beat.
And it has to be what it is.
Do you think your exes would be proud of you if they saw you today?
Oh my God.
I know mine is.
We talked briefly at the club.
He said it himself.
And like we, we briefly got to exchange that like in so few words, like we've been following each other's journey and like keep going, just keep going.
I'm proud of him.
Yeah, I'm so proud of him.
That wasn't the question.
I never thought about if they would be proud of me.
I always thought about... Oh, I think he would be so proud of you.
Because like... based off how you talk about him, like he saw you for what you are.
And I feel like that's something that you're learning to do right now.
And so for you to finally get to the space that he was like 10 years ago or whatever, like he'd probably be, like yes.
Yeah.
Yes, Jen, you finally get it.
You finally get what I've been seeing this whole time.
Yeah.
Do you think he'd be proud of you?
Yeah, I think so.
How could he not?
He was always proud of me, actually.
I wasn't proud of myself, but he was always encouraging me.
I wonder if he would be excited at what he saw as getting to be seen even more than he could even have imagined at the time for you.
I don't think he works like that.
Like, I think he would just, he's pretty, he's like simple in that way.
I don't think he would have any like negative feelings.
You know what I mean?
Of course not.
But was not a huge emoter.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But he would feel proud, right?
Yeah.
Maybe.
I think he would be.
I'm just going to put in her vote.
Yes, he would be.
Executive decision.
Okay, so if you saw your favorite ex today, what would you say to them?
Three sentences.
Oh, my God.
Three sentences?
Yeah.
It's harder to distill it down into three sentences, but I think it pushes you to really prioritize the most important things.
You wish you could tell them.
Can one of them be a question?
And look into the camera just in case they're watching.
Yeah, one of them can be a question.
Okay, I have mine.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm proud of you.
I believe you can do it.
Keep going.
My first thought was also that I'm proud of you.
Yeah.
You still have more in you and you are a star in my world.
Yeah.
Your turn.
So I went back to like look at a bunch of like random old letters that we used to write for each other.
And that last one that I wrote to him.
I said to him That your love was so pure and striking that it could only be from above.
So that's still true today.
So tell him that.
And then I would tell him you have already become the man that I always believed that you would be.
And you are still becoming the man that you always believed you could be.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
This is crazy.
I can't believe this is going on the internet.
Okay.
I went to shrivel.
Do you hope that they could see this?
Yeah.
I want them to know.
Yeah.
I want them to know.
I hope so too.
Yeah, I wouldn't be mad about it.
Why would you not want the person that you care so deeply for to know that they are cared for so deeply?
You know?
Yeah.
From very far away.
For anybody in your life.
Like, if you love them.
Yeah.
For them to walk around never knowing that you love them that much is the greater tragedy.
Yeah.
If you truly feel like no one cares for you, at least, at least you can know that I do.
Oh.
Gosh.
Rip my heart off.
This sucks.
This is terrible.
This hurts so much.
This is terrible.
Even after so long.
Yeah.
Everyone's so teary eyed.
I know.
There's just so much like space they've taken up in our lives.
Yeah.
Gosh.
I would also tell them, you've ruined many other men for me after you.
It's true.
No, you've set the standard for that.
Yeah.
Like, the bar has been, like, set.
So high because of you.
Yeah.
And, like, everyone I dated compared to you.
Yeah, me too.
So that wraps up our conversation about our favorite exes.
Thank God.
I'm so tired.
Thank God it's over.
We would love to know if you have a favorite ex.
Why are they your favorite ex?
Please let us know in the comments below.
Thank you so much for joining us in our conversation.
We love to hear from you, so if you have any stories, just let us know.
Like maddie said, you can find us on all the different podcasting platforms hot pursuit and on the socials.
We're on instagram and tick tock at the hot pursuit pod.
We love hearing from you guys.
It really is amazing to hear like your stories.
We want to hear about your favorite exes this time.
This was juicy details.
Everyone has a favorite ex.
Or everyone is someone's favorite ex too.
Drop the lore.
Drop the lore.
We will literally sit around chuckling in the corner like hey hey hey, look what this person said.
All right, we're going to go cry now.
Bye.
Bye.
Hot Pursuit out.
Bye.
