As I've gotten older, I've become progressively more of a control freak.
And this is interesting to me because as a kid, I was not a control freak at all.
And I was hyper aware of this because my mom is and was a control freak.
Whereas my dad, not so much. And so growing up, I related more to my dad because...
He was more chill. And so growing up with these two extremes, it was very easy for me to figure out where I fell on that scale.
And I was much more chill. much more like my dad.
However, as I've gotten older, I've become more like my mom And now, as a 24-year-old with an almost fully formed prefrontal cortex, I am a full control freak.
This is a trait of mine that's really become visceral over the last few years.
It wasn't always there. Do you know what I mean?
There are certain personality traits that I've had since I was like a four-year-old.
I've always loved clothes and fashion. I've always been a little bit rebellious I don't like being told what to do I've always been pretty outgoing I've always been an oversharer, somebody who just talks about themselves and with no bounds and no limits.
Like there's certain personality traits that I've always had.
However, this is one that's a little bit newer.
And so it's a bit foreign to me. I mean, not really because I experience it every day.
I am a control freak all day, every day in every area of my life.
But it's a little bit of a departure from who I once was.
Maybe there's a chance that I was a control freak when I was younger too, but it just showed itself in different ways.
But I've asked my family, and it sounds like I was pretty chill.
Like, I kind of just let things happen. I was... much more spontaneous, much less rigid with my schedule and my life.
And I wanted to do well in school, but I wasn't like... so obsessed with it that, I mean, I was pretty obsessed with doing well in school.
I mean, I really wanted to get good grades.
But like, if I were to be in school now, I would be 50 times more obsessive about when I do my homework and scheduling out a study plan to prepare for a test.
Like, Comparatively, I'm much more of a control freak now than I was as a kid.
And I think that that's understandable. Understandable because as you get older, you know, you have more responsibility.
And so the opportunity to be a control freak arises when you're a kid.
It's like... you just have to do what you're told.
You go to school, you come home. So there's no... room really to be a control freak.
Then when you get older and you have your own responsibilities in your own life. in your own autonomy, then you can become a control freak.
So it's very curious to me if this was something that was always inside of me Or if this is something I developed, you know, in my older age, in my fully formed brain era, you know what I mean?
I'm not sure. And I don't really think it matters because I'm here now and I'm a control freak.
And so what I thought we'd do today is explore what it means to be a control freak in general, but also for me personally.
This is sort of a self-exploration. Now I know what you're thinking.
Well, what's in it for me? Well, I don't know.
We'll find out together. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode of Anything Goes is presented by Walmart.
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Now back to the episode. The thing about these sort of big personality descriptor buzzwords like control freak is that...
I think a lot of us have sort of a loose definition of what it even is.
Like when I think of a control freak off the top of my head, I think of somebody who's really particular about how things are done.
I think about somebody who's really controlling of... their lives, but also other people's lives.
Someone who is really uptight and angry all the time because nothing's ever done to their liking.
I think of extremes. I think of even some traits that I actually don't even have.
Like, I'm not super controlling of others.
You know what I mean? So I decided to look online and see what the internet says it means to be a control freak. who is a control freak?
Well, according to the internet, a control freak is a person who has a strong desire to manage, organize, or influence things around them. whether it's situations, plans, people, or even emotions.
See, this definition is far less extreme than the one I had in my head.
And I think it somewhat aligns with who I am.
I definitely do have a strong desire to manage, organize and influence things around me I prefer to be the organizer, the manager, the one who's influencing the way that things are.
And I take it upon myself to do that. And sometimes it's wonderful and it improves my life and those around me.
And sometimes it's miserable. And I take on more than I can handle.
Perhaps I can come off as maybe controlling to others in my personal life.
I try to keep my... control freakness to myself as much as possible, not make it other people's issue.
But inevitably, I think it happens sometimes.
I also researched what potential traits of a control freak are, okay?
And I assume that there are multiple... It's not like every control freak has the same grouping of personality traits.
So here are some potential traits of a control freak according to the internet.
Number one, micromanaging. constantly overseeing every detail, doesn't trust others to handle things without oversight, often redoes other people's work to get it right.
Yeah, I definitely am a micromanager. I would say more so in my work life, but I definitely am a micromanager.
That aligns with me. Next, difficulty delegating, struggles to hand off tasks, even minor ones. believes no one can do it like I can.
Oops, guilty. Yeah, I am horrible at delegating.
Like in my personal life, I want to cook dinner for my loved ones.
I don't want them to cook dinner for me.
Every once in a while, I'll be in the mood to relinquish control, but like, I like to cook dinner.
I like to make the plans. However, if somebody has an idea that they're really excited about, I'm stoked to hop on.
But if somebody's like, hey, don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it. I'll make the dinner reservation.
I'll book the movie tickets if we're going to see a movie after.
I'll do it all. That gives me overwhelming anxiety.
I'm like... We're going to eat somewhere where the food is bad.
And then we're going to go to the movies and the person booking...
The movie tickets is going to accidentally book our seats like scattered across the movie theater and I'm screwed and everyone's screwed and we're screwed.
Like that's how my brain works. And then in work settings, if it was up to me, I would literally clone myself and do everything myself, which is a little bit toxic.
No, Emma, other people have strengths that I don't have.
That's... Wonderful. And that actually makes everyone more successful.
You know what I mean? But for whatever reason, because I'm such a control freak.
If I could just clone myself and do it all myself, I would.
Because I know how I like things to be done.
And so if I had a bunch of clones of myself, then there would be no guesswork.
I would just know exactly what was being done.
But I will say, though, in personal settings, I'm more flexible.
In work settings, it's really hard for me and it causes me a lot of anxiety.
It takes so long for me to trust somebody to trust that they care about it as much as I do.
And so they're gonna put the same amount of work into it as I would.
Oh God, it's so hard for me. And again, it's like kind of stupid, but it's how my brain works for whatever reason.
Okay, next. Control freaks are perfectionists.
They need everything to be just right their way.
Get anxious or irritated when things deviate from the plan.
I'm a known perfectionist to a fault. Not in a cute, hot way.
Ugh, I can't help it. Everything I do is perfect.
I will, for example... be working on a minor task, like a small, small, small task that should only take me 30 minutes, but because I'm a perfectionist, it'll take me four hours.
For no reason. Like I'll be tweaking the littlest, teeniest little details.
That's a waste of my time. I just cannot sleep at night knowing that I did not work on something until it was perfect.
And again, this is not a flex. Like it sounds like a flex.
And listen, there are some beautiful things about it, but it is ultimately harmful because not only does it cause me anxiety, but it also is a waste of time.
But also I'm a perfectionist about how I spend my time, ironically.
It's like, I'm such a perfectionist that I'll waste my time doing stuff that's pointless, but then I'm also such a perfectionist that...
I'm obsessed with how I use my time and I want to schedule out my day perfectly and plan everything perfectly and then stick to it exactly how it was planned.
And if something takes more time than I expected, it does stress me out, causes me anxiety.
I'm setting myself up for failure in a way.
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Next, another trait of control freaks, intolerance for uncertainty.
Needs everything scheduled, defined, and controlled.
Gets uncomfortable when plans are flexible or undefined.
Yeah, that's me. I have such a hard time making plans with a friend who's super casual, super chill, is just like, oh, I'll text you later and we'll like maybe hang out.
That drives me nuts. I like to schedule everything out.
I like to know what my day looks like. I like to use my time wisely.
And if something's floating up in the air, I don't know how to schedule that.
And so it freaks me out. Okay, next, overreaction to change, strong emotional reaction to surprises or disruptions, tries to reassert control quickly. when plans shift.
I will say I do not like when plans change.
It makes me very uncomfortable. It makes me anxious.
But I will say this isn't that overwhelming of an experience for me.
It is a bit uncomfortable. I feel that discomfort.
I experience that discomfort. But I can pivot pretty well.
I go back to my perfectionist trait. where I'll work on something for four hours that I really only needed to work on for an hour.
And then there goes three hours of my day that I was gonna use doing something else.
I've gotten pretty good at calming myself down and being like, all right, this sucks.
I'm upset. I'm a little anxious about it, but let's move things around to sort of you know, balance out the fact that things didn't go to plan.
Like I quickly will go onto my Google calendar and start moving things around.
You know what I'm saying? So that I feel in control again.
So yes, change is upsetting to me, but I don't think I overreact about it. definitely causes me upset, probably more than the average person, but I'm not like screaming and crying.
You know what I mean? But maybe that's not what they mean by this.
Maybe they mean overreaction because the average person is just flexible with their schedule and they don't even get a little bit of anxiety or... upset when plans change.
They're just like, oh yeah, no problem. So maybe that's what they mean by overreaction.
So yes, I guess I do overreact compared to the average person.
But I don't overreact socially to the point where people would be like, what's wrong with her?
You know, same thing goes if I'm like hanging out with a friend group and my friends and I go to dinner. at 8 p.m. and then we have a plan to go to a party at 10 p.m. after. don't end up making it to the party until one in the morning because we were sitting at dinner for so long chatting.
Like I might have a little bit of anxiety in the back of my head.
I might be looking at the clock like, oh, we were going to go to that party.
But it's internal. I'm not like, hey guys, what are we doing?
Hey guys, seriously, no. We had this party to go to.
That was the plan. Like it's an internal thing.
Do you see what I'm saying? Okay, next. Control freaks can be controlling in relationships. may dictate how others behave, speak, or even dress, can use guilt, rules, or manipulation to get compliance,
Struggles with letting others make independent decisions.
No, this is not me. And I'm not just saying that because this is the most unfavorable and the most unflattering trait of them all thus far.
My control freakness is pretty focused on me.
Like I have no desire to control other people.
In fact, I would say I'm less controlling of other people than usual.
And I strongly believe that other people need to handle themselves.
Like that's the beauty of being a human being and being an adult is that we can all make our own decisions.
I... cherish the fact that I'm able to do that.
And I would never impede on other people's ability to do that because I think it's so important.
And I think when we try to control each other, it's really not good.
Like we should all be strong, independent individuals with a set of rules and values and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah of our own.
I am not controlling of other people. I will say I'm only maybe sort of controlling of other people if it's in regards to me.
Like here's an example. Maybe it's Halloween and me and a friend want to do a costume together.
I might. be a little bit controlling about what that costume is and what that costume looks like.
I might be controlling of that situation, but only because we're doing it together So it involves me.
Okay, another control freak trait. Always needs the final say. insists on making all decisions, big or small, and gets defensive when their authority is challenged.
This doesn't feel super me, to be honest.
I don't insist on making all decisions. If it was up to me, I would, and I'll offer to make all decisions.
But it's not like my way or the highway, end of story, or else I'm throwing a fit.
I'm more flexible now. and hopefully emotionally intelligent than that.
You know what I mean? And there are also times when... it doesn't make sense for me to make the final decision.
It doesn't make sense for me to have the final say.
Like in certain work situations, There are people that I work with that know more about certain things than me and I'm aware of that.
And in those scenarios, I let them have the final say.
Same thing goes in my personal life. Like there are times when someone in my life really wants to make the plans, whatever, and that's totally fine. as long as they give me every single detail before I show up that day for the event or for the activity, then it's totally fine.
So in a way, I guess I am getting the final say because I relinquish control, but within my own comfortability.
And listen, most people in my life, I do trust to do a good job.
And see, as I'm even talking about this, it's being a control freak is a little bit like egotistical in a weird way.
And I pride myself on not being egotistical in a lot of other ways, right?
Like, I'm proud of the fact that my ego, I have it under control for the most part, like in my friendships and relationships.
I do not bring my ego into those spaces, okay, with those people, right?
If I get confronted for doing something wrong, or somebody disagrees with me.
That happens all the time. I never feel like my ego is bruised if somebody disagrees with me.
I get excited to learn more. Why do you disagree with me?
How can I be a smarter, more evolved person?
What can you teach me? That's a wonderful, valuable thing.
I have no ego in that. I have no ego. Well, actually, I mean, I think everyone's ego gets a little bit bruised when they get rejected, right?
Like it doesn't feel good. But I can take the hit and not take it out on other people.
Being a public figure, I would say... I've managed my ego pretty well.
Like a lot of people experience internet validation and it naturally boosts the ego potentially to an unhealthy level.
And listen, I'm not shitting on people who have experienced that because it makes sense.
It's like... if you're getting an unnatural level of validation through the internet, there's a good chance that that's going to boost your ego.
But I've been really fortunate that that hasn't happened to me.
Because number one, I think it's just the type of person I am.
Just because I'm getting external validation from the internet doesn't Doesn't mean I'm any more awesome than I was before or less awesome.
Do you know what I'm saying? Like I still see myself the same way.
And that just is, I guess, my nature, but also a lot of people around me for my entire career have been like, hey, don't start thinking that your shit doesn't stink because it does. chill out.
All of this to say, now that I've gassed myself up for the last like three minutes about how I have a really good control of my ego.
This control freak thing has a weird undertone of like a big ego.
It does. Because there's a lot of, I'm really good at everything and I'm better at everything than everyone else.
Which I don't think that I'm meaningfully doing that, but I think that that's part of being a control freak is that you think you do everything the best.
I'm not sure if this is an ego thing or not, but as I'm discussing it, it's feeling like The ego is present in the control freak, and I don't like that.
Anyway, let's move on. Another control freak behavior, using rules to maintain power. creates strict standards or expectations for others, may enforce routines rigidly, and criticize deviations."
I mean, I think more so in my work life, there are definitely rules.
But I think, to be honest, I'm sorry, I think it's valid.
I do think that it's okay to have a standard for how things are done and to have rules to a certain extent.
That doesn't feel an overreaction to me.
However, the part about enforcing routines rigidly and criticizing deviations...
I mean, I don't have unrealistic expectations for other human beings necessarily.
I think... Actually, well, no, you know what?
I do have unrealistic expectations, but when they aren't met, I'm able to like insert a level of realism to the situation and be like, okay.
Not everyone, like we can't all do things perfectly.
I don't even do things perfectly all the time.
Chill out. And so I don't ever take it out on other people in a way that's unfair or not helpful.
But like, I mean, I will say though, like criticizing deviations...
I mean, in my work life, yeah, I'll constructively criticize if something's not done properly. but I don't think that that's wrong.
In my personal life, however, I think I'm much more chill.
I'm not using rules to maintain power. I don't need power in my personal life necessarily.
Actually, now that I think about it, I do, but not directly with other people.
I have rules about how I spend my own time.
There are certain elements of my day that I will not deviate from.
I need to do my morning routine. I need to work for a certain amount of time per day.
I need to exercise. And those are very... strict rules.
And I guess in some ways, enforcing my routine and how I spend my time really helps me maintain a feeling of power in my own life, but that doesn't necessarily impact other people.
It only impacts other people if they're like, hey, Emma, wanna hang out?
And I'm like, no. I can't. Or like it has to be after a certain time because I have these other things I need to do first.
But to me, that's just like a healthy boundary.
Do you know what I mean? In the last control-free trade that the internet told me about, High anxiety behind the scenes.
Control is often a response to underlying fear, anxiety, or insecurity. may feel that losing control will lead to something bad happening.
This is so me coded. Yeah, this one really hits different.
I mean, I don't even have anything else to say because this is just me.
I have always been an anxious person, but I think as I get older, I become more anxious. and thus more of a control freak because when I feel in control, I feel less anxious. whether it being actual control or sort of phantom control.
Actual control being like, oh, you know, I'm going to make the dinner reservations for the friend group and I'm going to book... the activity that we do afterwards or whatever.
Phantom control is like thinking that just because I do that, it's all going to go exactly to plan.
I don't know. Do you get what I'm saying?
Like, yes, I can control a situation and it makes me feel good.
But then part of the anxiety relief is feeling like, okay, now I can predict what's going to happen.
I've planned it so that there's little room for chaos or for things to go wrong.
But the truth is... things can always go wrong.
You know what I mean? Things can always deviate from the plan.
So it's like kind of in a way, half actual control, half the illusion of being in control but we never are in control.
But as an anxious person, I try not to think about that too much.
Okay, now that we both have a deep understanding of what a control freak is, probably a deeper understanding than either of us need.
I want to understand how you become a control freak.
Like why am I like this? How did this happen?
Because I wasn't always this way. Maybe I had little inklings of it, but I wasn't always this way.
Like I am at my peak control freak level at this point in my life.
You know what I mean? It is reaching a sharp peak.
People in my life notice it and they don't actually complain about it.
There's a few people that complain about it, but...
There are some people who admire it, some people who think it's a problem, particularly people who are very close to me.
Like the closest people to me are the ones who are like... maybe this is a little bit of a problem.
But yeah, how did I get here? So according to the internet, you can become a control freak due to childhood experiences.
If you grew up in a home where things felt unpredictable emotionally, financially, or physically. controlling your environment may have been a way to feel safe.
I mean, this could maybe pertain to me because my parents got divorced when I was five, I guess.
So my entire childhood, I was kind of... I don't know.
I never really could get into a routine because I was constantly going from one house to the other.
Also dealing with my parents... potentially dating, bringing new people into the picture.
I had a very, very hard time with that. And that uncertainty of like, now I have a stranger in my house.
Why? You know? And being an only child, I did it alone.
And listen, I know, I know you're thinking, Oh, Emma's parents got divorced.
Emma's complaining about something that happens to like 50% of people.
I'm not complaining about it. Also, I'm getting defensive.
I'm getting defensive and I bet no one said that.
But sometimes I have this like... intrusive internet brain thing that happens where like I'll say something and And because I've been on the internet for so long as a public figure, and I've said a lot of things and gotten a lot of different types of responses, some good and some bad,
I now have this sort of like built-in brain feature where if I say something, sometimes I'll start to hear the comments in my head already.
It's kind of like, honestly, it's kind of like built-in media training.
It's like automatic media training. Like I already know what people are going to say.
Or I think I know. And oftentimes my imagination tends to like go the extreme route, the worst case scenario.
So anyway, probably none of you were thinking that or said that because divorce is a tough thing for all kids.
You know, even though I would say my parents' divorce was as seamless and pleasant as it could possibly be for a child, It's still complicated and it's still challenging.
And I think it would be, I'd be remiss not to acknowledge the way that it might've affected me as a kid.
But I also am aware that people have it worse because that's the other thing people love to do on the internet.
You can't even talk about having like a... a little challenge because it's always like, yeah, but someone has it worse, which is totally true.
Somebody always has it worse and somebody always has it better.
In all scenarios. And so it's tough on the internet sometimes to be like, to even just talk about something just as a fact because it happened.
Because people will be like, yeah, but you should be so grateful because this, it's like, yeah, but I'm not complaining.
See, this is my internet brain spiraling, spiraling, spiraling, spiraling.
Isn't it so interesting to watch? Isn't it so curious?
Are you enjoying watching it? This is how the inside of my brain works.
But let's move on before I fully spiral into a place where...
We have to ultimately just cut the whole episode because I spiraled into not usable podcast content territory.
Anywho, back to what I was saying. Childhood experiences.
It's possible that that led to me being a control freak.
Parents being divorced. not really ever being able to form a solid routine because I was constantly moving back and forth from one house to the other.
I didn't have one closet. I didn't have one bed.
I didn't have one safe space. Now listen.
Some would argue, yeah, but you had two, and that's a really wonderful, beautiful thing.
Yes, it totally was and is. but in a very different way.
Like I will say, now that I'm an adult and I live by myself, there is something really powerful peaceful and predictable and just wonderful about having one home.
It's defined. It's singular. There's just something about that, that at least to me is really peaceful.
And so I think this could potentially have something to do with my control freakness.
You can also become a control freak if you're a perfectionist.
If you were praised for being the responsible one, the achiever, or the organized one as a child... you might have linked control with your self-worth.
This can evolve into a belief that you must be in charge to avoid mistakes or failure.
I would say this is true as well. Even though I was less of a control freak, say, in middle school or high school.
I was a very good student. I turned everything in on time.
I never cheated. I did this and that much praise for it because I didn't.
Because there's always someone smarter. Like I was by no means the smartest kid in my class.
And by smartest, I mean grade smart. I did well, but not well enough to get, like I got straight A's in high school.
I mean, I had some A minuses in there and I might've gotten a B plus once, but I can't remember.
But I was a good student. I worked so fucking hard.
It doesn't really matter. Unless you're like the valedictorian, you're the top of your class.
No one really cares. So I didn't really get praised for that.
However, it made me feel in control of my future, getting into a good college because I'm putting effort in and and thus being able to get a good job one day or whatever.
Like that was my mindset. So I was a perfectionist in school because I wanted to feel in control of my future.
And that kind of begs the question, like, what came first then?
Being a control freak or being a perfectionist?
You see what I'm saying? So I actually don't agree with the internet. on this one I don't think one caused the other necessarily if anything I think being a control freak caused the perfectionism honestly I don't know I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by Skims.
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Now, back to the episode. The internet also says that you can become a control freak if you're somebody who has anxiety or fear of the unknown.
This is very me. If you have anxiety, you might try to preplan or control every outcome to avoid discomfort.
It feels better to anticipate than to react, even if it's exhausting.
That is so me. And maybe that is where my control freakness comes from.
It's not anything more than just being an anxious person.
I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm scared. I'm like this by nature.
And over time, I've learned that by being a control freak, I can alleviate some of that uncomfortable anxiety.
Perhaps that's all it is. Perhaps it has nothing to do with my childhood.
Because I was an anxious child even before my parents got divorced.
I was born anxious. That's just who I am.
And I've gone through waves of it. There have been times in my life where I've been particularly aloof You know, like when I was a teenager and I first moved to L.A. and I was so overwhelmed by my life and what was going on at the time.
Like, I just started... My YouTube, like a year ago, and now I'm living in LA and I'm like, whatever.
I was so overwhelmed by that. My anxiety almost went away.
I didn't even have time to be anxious. And that was a good thing in some ways, but it was also a bad thing in other ways.
Like I was almost like daredevil ish. I also think I kind of was a little bit nihilistic and depressed at the time as well.
I mean, I've experienced that on and off throughout my life in general, but I think, yeah. in moments where I've been a bit more nihilistic in my personal philosophy, I don't really get as anxious because I'm like, I don't really care what happens.
If I die, which is not a good, that's not a healthy place to be in mentally.
You should cherish your life and want to protect it.
But there have been times in my life where I didn't really care and thus I was less anxious.
But for the most part, my default has always been anxious.
And last but not least, you can potentially become a control freak if you had trauma or big life shifts.
After trauma, loss, illness, instability, people often try to regain control in other areas of life to feel grounded, This can show up as obsessing over routines, to-do lists, or micromanaging small details."
I do think that this aligns for me. And I think specifically with the Again, I'm not complaining about this.
I'm just saying a fucking fact, okay? I do think that my career, though wonderful, and though something I would not trade for anything in the world, it has undeniably been an emotional rollercoaster. and incredibly overwhelming and challenging in very unusual ways, right?
I would say in particular, number one, psychologically challenging. feeling like you're being watched at all times has been something I've really struggled with even though I'm not even like compared to like Taylor Swift.
It's like I should shut the fuck up and I get it.
But it's like if I'm out at a restaurant, I don't know if I'm being filmed.
I don't know if someone's taking a photo of me.
When I'm at home, I don't know if somebody is driving by my house.
Also, the internet is a very, very scary, mean place as we know.
To be a public figure is to be criticized, sometimes rightfully, sometimes wrongfully.
To be bullied, usually being bullied is wrong. by a lot of people at once at times even.
That can be a really traumatic experience.
Say what you want. It's all on the internet.
It's not even real. It feels fucking real.
When you're getting torn to shreds, it feels fucking real.
All of these things have been incredibly challenging for me.
Worth it? Absolutely. But it has been the greatest psychological challenge of my life, hands down.
Learning how to manage it has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life because it's such an unnatural experience.
And I knock on wood. Because I'm so grateful that I've been able to overcome it and that worse things haven't happened to me in my life.
But I do think since... being on the internet, and also since cancel culture, if you will, has become more of a thing, I've become more of a control freak for sure.
Like 10 times more. When it comes to cancel culture specifically, too, I feel in control of my actions and what I've done in my life.
And so if I were to be confronted on that, it's like, okay, I can handle that.
You know what I mean? I'm not hiding anything.
The element that I can't control is rumors and lies.
And that happens as well sometimes. where somebody will be like, fuck it.
I'm just going to make this TikTok saying that like Emma punched me in the face.
Cause like, it'll get, you know, X amount of views.
And then we go from there. You know, like that's the type of stuff that makes me feel so out of control is that I'm not in control of my own identity, my own story, my own reputation, because somebody so easily could lie and it could be taken as fact.
And that happens. Okay. So now I think we understand what it means to be a control freak.
Thanks to the internet. Now it's time to dissect me.
I want to go through the pros and cons of my personal control freak tendencies. and see what we can discover from that.
I've broken it down into two categories. my work life and my personal life because my control freak tendencies impact both very differently.
So we're going to start with my work life.
Okay, pro number one. I do think being a control freak makes my overall work quality higher.
I am a perfectionist. And so that does positively impact my output.
I work really hard and I put out good work.
Okay, next. In my work life, I'm very organized because being organized makes me feel in control. my Google calendar, my routine, my podcast outlines.
When I'm filming a YouTube video and I have all my files of footage and stuff, I have it backed up on a hard drive and then on another hard drive.
And then I have super organized folders with all the video clips.
Like I am so organized. The organization makes me feel in control, which is, as we know, a feeling that I like, but it benefits me because being organized is awesome.
No one can tell me otherwise. Like, I get it.
It's a control freak trait. And I might be a little bit too organized sometimes.
It's like... Okay, Emma, you don't need to be scheduling down to the hour with some stuff.
I might be too organized at times, but I think...
Overall, the organization seems to be a net positive.
It really makes my workflow so much more productive and so much more seamless.
I like that element. Next, I notice everything.
I'm so meticulous again, because being meticulous makes me feel in control. that I notice everything.
If there's a little teeny tiny little mistake, I'm probably gonna notice it.
Now there are certain things in my job that I can't have eyes on.
Like for example, I don't listen to every single podcast episode after it's edited.
It kind of just goes into the abyss because I don't have time for that.
Because these episodes are long and if I listen to every single one, I can't really do something else and pay attention to what I'm saying while I'm doing it.
Like, it's impossible. So that's something I don't, you know, review.
Or like there's certain things with Chamberlain Coffee, my company, where it's like...
I can't look at every single little thing.
I just can't. It's impossible. Like every single email that goes out to customers, every single Instagram post that gets posted onto the Instagram, I can't manage all that.
Like it's, It's too much for one person to do.
And so I've had to delegate those things.
But like, I really try to pay as close attention to everything as possible and be as meticulous as possible um and so I notice mistakes which means just less mistakes which is good for work related stuff um Next, I do try to do as much of my own work as possible.
I do delegate a lot, but I do more of my own stuff than I maybe have to because it makes me feel in control.
Like I write my own podcast outlines. I edit my own YouTube videos.
I handwrite stuff for Chamberlain Coffee instead of using a copywriter sometimes.
And I think why that's a good thing is because number one, it loses its feeling of it being me.
That is important to me. But also I lose that creative, like I'm not using that creative muscle in my head to make things.
And last but not least, I like to believe that I'm easier to work with because I'm such a control freak.
Like I actually think it makes me an easier, because I'm organized and because I'm a perfectionist, I think the perfectionist element can be a little bit tough, but I'm never disrespectful about it.
I don't think. People I work with can call me if they ever listen to this episode and be like, well, that one time, but I don't think so.
I'm respectful about it. I'm particular, but I'm kind.
That's maybe the only sort of challenge with it.
But I think I'm organized. I pay attention all because it makes me feel in control, you know?
So I think overall it makes me easier to work with.
Maybe. Maybe not. I'm like, now I'm thinking about the people that I work with, whether it's like my wonderful agent or whatever.
Like, she's... Probably thinking right now, she's like, Emma is so particular.
Like, it's tough. Um, but I think in some ways it makes me easier to work with.
Like I'm organized that the organizational element I think is what makes me easier to work with.
Okay, now let's talk about the cons in my work life.
I have a tendency to overwork myself from trying to do too many things at once and also trying to do everything perfectly. to the point where it leads me to burnout easier.
And burnout is when you basically overwork yourself to the point where you just become so fatigued that you like can't do anything.
Then I really spiral because if I'm burnt out, I have a full on, it causes a mental block and I can't come up with anything, anything.
Nothing feels right. Like I know when to take a step back more so now through practice.
So I'm getting better at this, but it's still something that I struggle with occasionally.
Another con. I discussed this already in this episode.
I can waste time trying to make something perfect.
As I said earlier, like, I'll spend... four hours working on something that could have been an hour, or I'll spend four weeks working on something that should have only taken four days.
I mean, in my head, it doesn't feel like a waste of time because I want it to be a certain way.
And like, I feel justified in it, but I think technically I could... get more done.
I could post more YouTube videos. I could do more if I wasn't as much of a control freak, perhaps. but doing more isn't always the answer.
So I don't know, like I'm kind of conflicted on this, if this is a con, but it feels like a con to me.
So I'm putting it on the cons list. Next, it makes me anxious that I can't do everything myself.
Like it is impossible in my job to do everything myself.
I could not make two podcast episodes a week and have them be edited and have them be posted everywhere and have the thumbnails edited.
Like, All of those things are very time consuming and I cannot do it myself.
I could not run Chamberlain Coffee on my own.
That would be impossible. There's a decent sized team now that works on Chamberlain Coffee because I cannot do all of it myself.
I also don't even know how to do it all myself.
I do all my YouTube stuff on my own. If I were to relinquish some control with my YouTube, I could make more videos.
You know, like if I hired an editor again, because I once had an editor for my YouTube videos, but I ended up being like, oh, I just, I miss editing them myself or whatever.
And so I make the decision to do it all myself.
And that's my choice. I do delegate a lot of what I do to other people.
And they do a wonderful job. But guess what?
Even though they do an amazing job and I trust them wholeheartedly, I still get anxiety that I can't do everything myself.
Sometimes painful anxiety that like freezes me.
Like it's sometimes very overwhelming. Also, I think that sometimes I think my standards are too high and I'm like left disappointed when I shouldn't be disappointed.
Like, I should be proud or I should be excited, but it's like, ah, but it's not perfect, you know?
And that leads to negative emotions, which is to me a con.
And last but not least, when I don't do something myself and it's not done properly, it's That really upsets me.
I have feelings of deep regret, like I should have done it myself.
No, like, and I can get really upset about this.
Again, I'm not gonna take it out on other people, but like on a personal level, you know, I'm calling my parents and I'm like crying about it.
You know what I'm saying? I'm so frustrated.
I'm so upset because I'm like, If I would have done it myself, it would have been fine.
It would have been... And now it was done wrong.
And it's because I... I delegate it and I can really beat myself up about it.
And that's, again, a negative emotion that is not fun.
I'm trying to get better about that, but it's definitely something I've struggled with.
Now let's talk about my personal life, okay?
Starting with the pros. I think it's kind of wonderful for people in my life that I am somebody who's such a control freak because I make all the plans.
Nobody has to stress. Nobody has to worry.
I'll make the dinner reservation. I'll book the movie tickets.
I'll plan it. No one else has to. And most people actually don't want to.
Like, that's a chore for them. Whereas for me, it's like, this is wonderful.
I get to be in control. They get to sit back and relax and just come on the ride.
However, this is also going to be a con, but we'll discuss that later.
I think another pro is that I'm kind of the mom of the group a lot of times.
Not always. There's sometimes somebody who's more mom energy than me.
And when that's the case, I actually like it.
I get excited. When there's somebody who is more of a control freak than me and I sense that, I'm like, oh, take it away then.
Because you're going to do equally as good of a job as me, if not even better.
You're going to pay attention to every detail and then some.
But when there's not somebody who's more of a control freak than me in the group, I'm sort of the mom of the group.
Somebody spills something on their shirt, I have a tied-to-go stick.
Somebody feels like they have bad breath.
I have a Listerine strip in my bag. Somebody falls and cuts their leg really bad.
I'm the one trying to figure out if we need to go to the hospital.
I'm the one mapping to the nearest hospital.
Now this is a newer thing in my life. I was not always the mom of the group.
In fact, when I first moved to L.A., I was less of a control freak and I was in an era of my life where I was a bit more nihilistic, maybe a bit more depressive, and I just didn't really care about anything.
I was not the mom of the group. I was the one who needed to be taken care of sometimes.
But at this point in my life, I can be the mom of the group.
And I think it's nice to have that Another pro, I live a very safe life.
I'm always erring on the side of caution.
Risky activities make me feel out of control.
So I just like to... play it safe. And to me, this is a wonderful thing.
This is also, again, going to show up again on the cons list, but I do think it can be a pro because I keep myself safe.
Next, I've already mentioned this, but another pro is that I'm very controlling of my time and I want every moment to be used wisely.
Thus, I have a fulfilling, productive set of routines that I follow in my life I don't waste time scrolling on social media because at this point in my life, I'm too controlling to like do something like that that feels like a waste.
And I think this is a net positive. However, this does also show up on the cons list through a different lens.
But anyway, and then last but not least, I think a... pro of my particular case of being a control freak, I'm able to turn off my control freakness when in social settings a lot of times.
Like, As long as I've accomplished my routine first, okay?
Let me give an example. Like if I'm spending the first half of my day doing stuff for me, following my routine, I'm okay with relinquishing control in the second half of the day.
Like if my friends are like, let's hang out and just do something random, like no plan.
That's fine with me as long as I had some sort of sense of control earlier in the day and I did what I needed to do.
And I'm planning ahead that I'm going to be relinquishing controls.
So there is still control in it, but like I'm able to do it.
I'm not in social settings controlling of other people.
And now let's discuss the cons in my personal life.
Even though I do sometimes make space for spontaneous moments, I can miss out on spontaneous moments sometimes because I'm so rigid about my plans and in my routines.
Like it might be the weekend and I might get a text at like 8 a.m. being like, let's go to the beach.
And I might turn it down forever. Because I'm like, I just need to make my own coffee, go poop. go to my workout class, get a little bit of work done maybe that is like stressing me out.
Like I might be like, I can't handle this. spontaneity right now.
I need structure and I need routine and I need what I need.
And again, is this really a con? It's hard to say because I think to an extent that's just setting my boundaries.
I don't know. This can be a con potentially, but I'm iffy on if it is.
Definitely a con, though, is that I can overlook new experiences because I love the comfortability and control that comes with familiarity.
I might miss out on trying a new restaurant to go to one I already know I like, but that new restaurant might be this gem that I'm missing out on.
I have a tendency to stay in romantic relationships for maybe a little bit longer than I need to. because it's familiar and because it's safe and I have control over it.
Whereas being single is And going out into the dating world is a bit more out of my control.
And that's a con. Another one, I can clash with people who like to do adventurous, spontaneous, risky stuff and because that makes me feel out of control.
But some people thrive on the opposite of me.
I thrive on predictability, familiarity, control.
Other people thrive off of adventurousness, spontaneousness, riskiness.
There are wonderful people in my life who thrive on the opposite.
And so there's a compromise that needs to be made.
And sometimes it's really challenging for me or for them.
When I do... you know, it can bear beautiful fruit.
And so, you know, that begs the question then it's like, well, is that a healthier lifestyle?
I think not. I think there's value in having people in your life who live differently and stuff and force you to go out of your comfort zone a little bit.
I don't think I need to stop being a control freak and be like them because that's not who I am.
I don't even think I can do that. But I think there are moments when I can experience beautiful things. through compromising with them.
So I actually think it's kind of a pro, but it's a con though, because it's tough.
Next, I get anxiety dealing with people who treat plans casually.
I, as I've mentioned a trillion times this episode, like to feel in control of my routine and schedule.
And so if somebody's like, let's just hang out later, but like who knows when, that's very uncomfortable for me.
Next, because I'm so controlling about spending my time wisely and sticking to my productive routines, I can get upset when I feel like I've wasted time or didn't complete my routine.
As I mentioned earlier, I've gotten better at pivoting and finding a way to find control in things not going as planned.
I can... regain the control by shifting my plans.
But I think it does upset me maybe a little bit more than it should.
More than anything, I think it gives me anxiety a little bit more than it should.
Last but not least, I have an overwhelming amount of anxiety about the things in life that I can't control, which is a lot of things. health.
I can exercise and I can eat well and I can go to the doctor and get my checkups and I can get my blood drawn every once in a while.
And there are things that I can do and that are in my control.
And let me tell you, I am in control of those things.
Actually, that should be added to the pros list.
I'm very health conscious, which is good.
Sometimes can be a con when... I become too obsessive about my health, that can get dark.
So it's kind of a pro and a con, but that's something that's really challenging, the health of me and my loved ones. dangers out in the wild, driving, flying on planes. crossing the street, stalkers, murderers, like all these different things that you can't control.
You can be wary. And I definitely am. Like, you know, every time before I fly on a plane, I'm looking up the plane model and like the stats on the plane model.
And when I'm driving, I'm not a fast driver, and I'm very adamant about looking around, looking around, looking around.
When I cross the street, I'm particularly cautious about crossing the street.
Like I'm a freak. Like I sprint across the street.
I don't care. I don't care if I look stupid.
I don't care that I'm a 24 year old adult and that I can't casually cross the street.
Like I'm running across the street. Like I'm a scared toddler.
And guess what? I don't fucking care. Crossing the street's dangerous, especially in LA.
People drive... I've almost gotten hit in a crosswalk before.
I'm not... It's not it's dangerous. So I treat it as such.
But I have anxiety about these things. to a level that's unhealthy.
Definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely.
And I think that is undeniably a con. So what's the conclusion of all this?
Well, I don't necessarily really have one I mean, I think the conclusion is very open-ended and one that I could have come to the conclusion of prior to doing all this research and self-reflection.
I think being a control freak is neither good nor bad, as with most personality traits.
Like if I was the complete opposite and I was an adrenaline junkie, who loves spontaneity and adventure, there's pros and cons to that as well.
And I think my personal homework that I'm giving myself is... to try to extract the helpful, productive, positive elements of this personality trait and then to keep an eye out on the negative ones and to try to work on them and find solutions.
And as I find those solutions, I will be sure to share them with you all.
But I'm not necessarily ready for that yet.
Okay. I still have a little bit of work to do.
I might crack the code one day and maybe this is just sort of one of those ongoing struggles that I'll be dealing with for the rest of my life just because this is who I am.
I'm not so sure, but I'll be keeping you updated on the journey.
And that's it. That's all I have to discuss.
And I discussed a lot, so I think we should all feel satisfied.
If you enjoyed hanging out, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday.
And you can watch video on YouTube and Spotify and listen literally anywhere.
Podcasts are available anyway. And if you want to keep up with Anything Goes on social media, at Anything Goes.
If you wanna find me on social media, add Emma Chamberlain.
And if you wanna find my coffee company, that's Chamberlain Coffee. both in the world and online.
I love you all. I appreciate you all. It is always a joy to hang and reflect and analyze and dissect to do that with you.
Oh my God, what a joy. I'll talk to you in a few days.
Bye. I'm gonna go proceed with my day with a rigid routine and an underlying sense of anxiety.
And I'll talk to you guys later. Okay, I love you all, bye.
