Welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything, and I mean literally anything you want advice on.
And then I give you my unprofessional advice.
And today's topic is human coexistence, but more specifically, actually, the complexity of living with other human beings under the same roof, okay?
And I'm going to be honest with you I don't have the most experience with this when I was five my parents got divorced and so I ended up living half and half with both of them but they both worked a lot which meant I spent a lot of my childhood and young adult well I guess teenage life home alone and on top of that when they were home they both left me alone like we didn't necessarily hang out that much. Do you know what I'm saying?
Like at my mom's house, we didn't always eat dinner together.
It was kind of like, it depends.
At my dad's house, like he had hobbies that he liked to do.
I had homework to do.
Like, it kind of felt like my entire childhood and teenage hood were sort of alone.
And I don't think that was a negative thing at all.
But it just meant that it kind of felt like I was living alone.
And then when I turned 17, I moved out and I moved to Los Angeles completely by myself.
And so from age 17 to now, I've been living completely alone.
I've never had a roommate.
I've never moved in with a boyfriend, living completely alone.
And listen, there have been phases where I've been in a really intimate group of friends and we've had sleepovers multiple times a week.
I've had experiences where I've been dating someone and we're so into each other that we want to sleep over at each other's houses every night.
So it's not like I've spent every single night from age 17 to now completely alone with an empty house.
That's just not true.
But I've never fully had a roommate or a boyfriend in the house permanently.
And so with all that being said, take my advice with a grain of salt.
Okay, I have other life experiences that can help me give advice on this topic, but I don't necessarily have personal experience completely.
So as always, take my advice with a grain of salt.
And without further ado, let's begin.
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Now back to the episode.
Someone said, I love my roommate, but I need space.
I don't want to do every single thing together, but I feel guilty and rude if I don't invite her everywhere.
What do I do? Well, first, I think we need to discuss when it's rude to not include someone and when it's not rude to not include someone.
Did that sentence make any sense?
I'm not confident that it did.
Okay. I'll try again.
To start, let's figure out when it's okay not to include someone and when it's not.
All right. That was cleaner.
Let's go with that.
I mean, I think something Something that is confusing to grasp as you get older is that it's not wrong to not include someone inherently.
And growing up, we're kind of taught that everyone needs to be included all the time.
Like in school, for example, it's not nice if someone comes up to you and says, hey, can I play with you?
And you say, no, I already have my friend group.
Go away. Like, like that's rude.
Right. And so in the school environment, it's pretty much always kind of mean to exclude someone because you're in an intimate group.
Everyone's kind of pushed together into this one space.
And if you exclude someone, it's like it's obvious.
And I don't know, we're really trained from a young age to include everyone.
And understandably so, so.
Because within the context of school, it does sort of make sense to be inclusive, right?
But once we're not in elementary school, middle school, high school anymore, and we're in the adult world, it gets a little bit more complicated because it becomes sort of impossible to include everyone all the time.
Like we all have so many different friends from so many different areas of our life.
We have work friends.
We have friends that we met at school.
We have family friends.
We have our roommates.
We have so many different friends, so many different social circles.
And we're also adults now and we can handle not being invited to stuff much better.
and our lives are much more wide, like diversified, you know what I'm saying?
Like when you're a kid, you're only, well not for everyone, I mean, but a lot of kids, their only social interaction really is at school.
And so everyone kind of has to include each other because that is a child's entire social world.
Do you know what I'm saying?
But once you become an adult, that world expands.
You know, you're an adult who has autonomy.
You can drive yourself to go to a coffee shop and you can talk to someone there.
You know, your time is being distributed in much more places, meaning that you're having many more social interactions.
Do you get what I'm saying?
And maybe this is just like me rambling on and on about nothing.
But when you're an adult, it's just different.
You don't need to just include everyone all the time.
And I don't think that that's wrong.
We're adults and we can handle it.
Like, it's morally okay to go out to lunch with a friend and not invite your roommate.
That's totally fine.
It is morally okay to go on a hike by yourself and not invite your roommate.
It's morally okay to meet up with your friends from high school and go to dinner and not invite your roommate.
Like, you don't need to invite your roommate to everything.
It's not wrong to not include your roommate in everything.
Now, that's not to say, though, that you can't exclude people in a way that's morally wrong as an adult, because I definitely think that you can.
but I think as an adult, it comes down to like a blatant disregard for someone else's feelings and a complete act of selfishness.
Like, for example, let me give an example.
Okay. Let's say you throw a pregame before a party at your house that you live in with your roommate.
Okay. You you throw a pregame.
You invite a bunch of people.
You're having this crazy pregame at your house and your roommate comes home and is like, whoa, what?
We're having a party?
And then you're like, oh yeah, we're going to this party later.
We're pregaming. And you don't invite your roommate.
That's not very nice.
Why? Because you just threw a pregame in your shared space.
And not only did you not tell them about the pregame, but you also didn't invite them to to the party.
If you want to go to that party and not invite your roommate, the polite thing to do is to not tell your roommate about the party and to do a pregame elsewhere.
If you're not going to include your roommate, then this evening needs to have nothing to do with your roommate.
Do you see what I'm saying?
Like that is a blatant, disrespectful action that excludes your roommate, but also rubs it in her face that you're going to this party do you see what i'm saying that's not cool but simply wanting to go to target to go shopping by yourself or maybe with one friend without your roommate like that's not wrong and i know it can be uncomfortable if your roommate is hey where are you going where are you going i'm so bored i want to go somewhere and it's uncomfortable to be like oh i'm going to run some errands like oh my god can i come and and you're like, honestly, I just need to do this.
Like, that's uncomfortable.
That sucks. That actually sucks, okay?
But there's nothing wrong with it, and you're not doing anything wrong.
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Some people do not give a fuck and will be like, no, I'm going to do this alone.
Bye. See you. Like some people do not care.
And other people like you and me are people pleasers and are afraid of causing upset.
The reason why you want to invite your roommate everywhere is not because you actually want your roommate with you all the time.
It's because you're afraid that if you don't, your roommate will catch you doing stuff without her.
And then, and then she'll get angry at you and then now you have drama and that's what you're afraid of you don't want drama you want everyone to like you and you want everyone to be happy and you want everyone to feel comfortable and listen in a lot of ways that's a beautiful thing but also in a lot of ways that's an unsustainable and kind of miserable existence and you know what's funny too is that people pleasers tend to convince themselves that if they don't shower everyone with with love and kindness even if deep down they want to confront about something or you know they want to stand up
for themselves they feel like if they aren't just a bundle of love and sunshine at all times that absolute chaos will ensue and the world will explode and every like it it's terrifying to people pleasers to rock the boat at all.
But what I think is funny, as someone who has been a people pleaser, is still kind of a people pleaser, but is working on it, and is getting better at it, I've learned over time that that is so irrational.
Like the way that people pleasers think is very irrational.
Because a lot of times, by just existing naturally and authentically and genuinely, you know, inviting people when you want to invite them, confronting people when they need to be confronted, rocking the boat when the boat needs to be rocked.
Sometimes it's never that bad.
Like nothing that bad ever comes of it.
And if anything, it's actually a relief to be living more honestly.
It's, it's a, it's a freer, more enjoyable way of life.
And I also think too, too, that people actually tend to respect you more if you're not a people pleaser.
If you have boundaries and you stick to them, if you speak up when you're thinking something or feeling something, people respect that.
They don't respect somebody who just says yes to everything and yeah, come with me, of course.
People don't respect that.
So it's just kind of ironic to me because I was such a people pleaser.
I put myself in so many uncomfortable situations, situations, inviting people to things just because I was too scared to, for them to find out that I did something without them, even though I didn't really want to invite them because it didn't really make sense or, you know, blah, blah, blah.
I've put myself in so many situations like that unnecessarily out of fear.
And when I stopped doing that, nothing bad happened.
Like at worst, there might be a little bit of tension that then gets resolved through conversation, but that's the worst case scenario.
And that's not that bad.
So if this rings true to you and you think the reason that you're inviting your roommate everywhere is because you're a people pleaser, here's my advice on how to stop being a people pleaser.
Practice makes perfect.
Okay. It's going to feel forced at first, but you need to act upon your instincts, your intuition.
If you don't want to invite someone somewhere, don't invite them.
And it's not going to feel good.
You're going to be scared.
You're going to feel guilty.
You're going to feel uncomfortable.
You're going to feel anxious.
It's not going to be fun, but do it anyway.
And then the next time something comes up where you want to people, please, maybe your friend makes a joke about you.
That's rude. Instead of laughing and pretending that it's all okay.
Do the scary thing, do the uncomfortable thing and say, okay, that was too far.
You can still be a bit tongue and cheek about it.
You don't need to be like, hey, what?
Why would you say that?
Like you don't have to make it dramatic.
You don't have to like, you can still, you know, keep it light, but be like, all right, too far.
Again, it's not embarrassing to be like, uh -uh, that's where I draw the line.
In order to put people in check, you don't need to be so upset and so hurt that you're like crying.
In fact, it's better to put people in their place when you're like, all right, that wasn't cool, but I don't really care.
It's not that deep, but that just wasn't cool and I'm not gonna just laugh about it because they shouldn't get away with it.
I'm just gonna put them in check a little bit, plant the seed.
Not gonna rip them a new one necessarily.
That's not always necessary and that can be overkill.
But you see what I'm saying?
Practice that. practice not saying yes all the time not including everyone all the time unnecessarily to preserve everyone's feelings while overwhelming your own practice not being a people pleaser and eventually you'll realize number one nothing that bad ever happens and number two you feel better because you're not living a lie being a people pleaser is living a lie you're laughing at jokes that hurt your feelings.
You're inviting people to things when you don't really want them there.
You're around people you don't want to be around.
You're saying yes when you want to say no. It sucks and you're living a lie and it's miserable.
So practice not doing that.
And then as you feel the rewards from that, you'll be more motivated to continue living that way.
That's what's happened to me anyway.
Like it's sort of this, I don't know if this is the right term, but it does kind of feel like a self -fulfilling prophecy.
It's like at first you're faking it, but then at a certain point it becomes real and you're just not a people pleaser anymore because it feels so good to not be a people pleaser anymore that then you just naturally stop.
Is that a self -fulfilling prophecy?
I don't know. But of course, like you should still hang out with your roommate.
Sometimes you should include your roommate whenever it makes sense, but it's okay to have moments where you're like, I really don't want to right now.
And to stand firm by that, that's a boundary.
And if your roommate notices and is like, wait, what's going on?
You used to invite me to everything and now you're not.
You can say, honestly, I love you.
I enjoy our time together.
We have so much fun.
But also, I feel like we need to have separate lives.
We need to do our own thing sometimes for the health of our relationship.
It's not healthy to do everything thing with each other.
So I'm just, you know, creating a bit more space for the sake of our friendship.
And, you know, I hope you can understand that because I do love you and I do appreciate you and you are awesome and it's not personal.
It's just, this is a boundary I need to set because I want our friendship to be balanced and long lasting.
And if your roommate can't handle that, that's their issue because you're not doing anything wrong.
And if you communicate communicate that upon confrontation, you've done everything you can do and you can sleep at night knowing that you're not doing anything wrong.
Okay, moving on. Somebody said, how to be roommates with your friend without ending up hating each other?
So many people say living with your friends can mess up the friendship.
Well, I think what tends to cause hatred is overexposure.
Like Like eventually, if you're around somebody too much, you'll just get sick of being around them.
And I think that's somewhat normal.
I think what's complicated about moving in with a friend is that when you're just normal friends and you don't live together, a foundational piece of your relationship is the fact that you don't live together.
And so to hang out, you have to put effort in to see each other as often as you can to continue to grow and develop your friendship, right?
That is a foundational element of a friendship between two people who don't live under the same roof.
However, when you live together, I would argue that a foundational piece of your friendship needs to be having lives separate from each other because now that effort to see each other doesn't really matter anymore.
more. Like you don't really need to put in effort anymore because you live in the same home.
So now your focus needs to be, okay, how do we not smother each other?
How do we not spend too much time together?
How do we have balance?
And I think that's something that I imagine a lot of friends don't think about when they're moving in together.
So then they move in together and they end up hanging out too much, spending too much time together to the point where they get sick of each other.
And understandably so, because if you combine your life too much with somebody else, eventually things will go wrong because we as human beings, I believe, need to feel independent.
We need to feel like we have our own lives.
And if we're spending too too much time with somebody and we don't have a sense of our own individual unique lives that are solely ours, we start to feel weak, codependent, but also trapped.
Like, wait, I'm like, I don't even know what my life is without this person around.
I don't even know who I am without out this person around.
Things can go sour.
And those feelings of codependence and trappedness, if that's a word, from being too close with somebody and not having any sort of individuality is uncomfortable for human beings, I think, and can cause resentment to grow towards the other person.
Because even though it's not necessarily the other person's fault, the other person's presence in one way or another sort of caused it.
So resentment can grow, and thus hatred can grow.
I think that's one way and one reason why living together with a friend can become complicated.
But I also think it can become complicated because the more you hang out with somebody, the more time you spend with them, the more you learn about them, the good and the the bat.
And there's no closer sort of relationship than living together.
That is so intimate.
And so inevitably, you're going to discover things about your friend if you live together that aren't great.
It might be that they're really messy.
It might be that they're really grumpy in the morning.
It might be that they like to hang out with big groups of people all the time and they're they're constantly inviting people over.
It might be that they're really clingy and they want to come with you and do everything with you every single day.
You're going to discover things about your friend and they're going to discover things about you that they weren't aware of that aren't great.
And it would be one thing to just discover these things, but it's made even more complicated when you live together and you can't escape it.
Your place of peace and quiet is now shared with your friend who has these traits that you just discovered that you don't really like.
So there's nowhere to hide necessarily.
So that's complicated, but it's also inevitable, right?
Like whether you move in with a partner that you're dating or a friend or, you know, you're living with a family member, this will happen.
There's such a slim chance that it won't.
Is there there a chance that it won't?
Sure. If you are really, really, really similar to the other person, if you've known them for so long that you already know the good, the bad, and the ugly about them, and so like there's nothing that can shock you, okay, maybe.
But there's a decent chance when moving in with a friend that this will happen.
You'll discover some stuff that you don't like so much and then now you're stuck with it.
I think in order to manage the inevitable differences that that will become more irritating and obvious when living together is to have constant, productive, and respectful communication about living together.
Do you know what I'm saying?
If you can talk about each other's unsavory traits, not even necessarily unsavory, but if you can talk about your differing habits and traits and you can compromise through communication, then it won't be an issue.
you. But if you can't, if you don't have a good communicative relationship with this friend, a lot of resentment will grow.
So yes, I do think that it can be complicated to move in with a friend.
I could see how it could be complicated.
However, I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea.
I think to be aware of the risks is important so that you can keep an eye out for certain red flags.
And also, when you're in the situation, you can be extra sensitive to problems that arise and you can solve them before they fester into something larger than they need to be and potentially ruin the relationship.
I would say before moving in together, though, you should ask yourself a few questions.
Number one, is this friend prone to codependence in clinginess?
If the answer is yes, I would say say that that's a red flag, because you need to have your freedom.
You shouldn't feel like you have to sneak out of the house to do something without your roommate.
You know what I'm saying?
You need to be living with somebody who has their own thing going and isn't going to be clingy and codependent with you.
Number two, I think you should ask yourself, does this friend get jealous a lot?
If they're a jealous person, it's probably not going to work out very well.
well. Number one, because again, when you leave the house, they're going to be like, where are you going?
What are you doing?
Why are you doing it without me?
Are you doing something more fun than me?
What are you doing?
And that vibe sucks.
But also jealous people can drag you down because they're jealous of you.
They're jealous in life.
They're insecure. They don't feel good about themselves.
So you get dressed up into a cute outfit because you're going on a date and your roommate is like oh it's not cute meanwhile you look really cute they're just saying that because they're jealous of how cute you look you don't want to live with someone like that so be wary of that another question to ask yourself is is this friend a good productive communicator if you can't communicate successfully with this person if they don't listen to you if you don't listen to them but more importantly if they don't listen to you and if they aren't aren't emotionally intelligent enough to hear you when you
say, hey, this bothers me.
Can you fix it? If that isn't something that's happening in this friendship, huge red flag because you will need to communicate to live together happily and healthily.
So you need to move in.
Listen, I don't want to say need, but like it's really helpful if somebody is a good communicator.
And then lastly, I think you should ask yourself, how do your lifestyles mesh?
Do you have the exact same type of lifestyle?
You know, like you wake up early, you're really organized, you're really clean, you go to work all day, like whatever.
Do you have the same sort of lifestyle?
Do you have complete opposite lifestyles?
Are you someone who wakes up really early and works and then likes to go to bed at like 9 .30 PM and your friend is a DJ and stays up until four in the morning?
And then is that something that actually is appealing to you?
Do you prefer having differing lifestyles because then you're actually going to hang out less?
You'll run into each other less.
How do your lifestyles complement or conflict with each other?
that's a really important thing to ask yourself because the advantage you have when moving in with a friend is that you understand their lifestyle you're friends with them so you already know these things about them you're not just like randomly moving in to a dorm with somebody that you don't know you know what I'm saying like you're moving in with your friends so you can actually sort of plan things out even better I don't know I think it absolutely can work it just takes everyone communicating, honestly.
I think that's what it comes down to.
And communication is uncomfortable, unfortunately, and a lot of people, they're afraid.
They don't want to communicate.
They'd rather just let things go undiscussed.
But if you're going to be living with a friend and you want to maintain the friendship, communication, I think, is a necessity.
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Okay, moving on. Somebody said, there's a tension in my apartment because my roommate and I live very differently.
I'm super clean and she's a bit more relaxed with leaving her stuff laying around.
How do we compromise and communicate so I can feel comfortable in my home?
Okay, I have two ideas.
Number one, you could simply communicate how you're feeling and And respectfully and gently ask her if she'll just clean up after herself in the shared spaces.
Her room is her room.
She can do whatever she wants in there.
She wants to poop on the floor as long as the smell doesn't come into the living room.
All good. That's her room.
But in the shared spaces, it's got to be clean because that's just fair.
You know, I agree. That's fair.
I think in a situation where two people are coexisting, if one person has a need or desire that involves safety, cleanliness, health, etc., I think usually that takes precedent over somebody who is like, well, I like to be a free spirit and that's why I like to have my stuff everywhere.
where it's like, that's not sorry.
If you're living with somebody else, you need to rise to the occasion and do the right thing.
You know what I'm saying?
Do you get what I mean by that?
Anyway, that's one thing you could do.
And I mean, I think that's pretty obvious, right?
Like just sit your roommate down and say, here's how I'm feeling.
Can you work on it?
And that's an option.
It's tough though, because it's like you're asking your roommate to do something that they naturally don't do.
And is it the right and fair thing for them to do to do it out of respect for you?
Yes. But a lot of times when you try to change someone, like you have a messy roommate, that is who you are roommates with.
Trying to change them, it can happen if they're motivated to be a roommate and they really respect you.
But there's also a chance that they'll do it for a a week and then stop and get messy again.
So I have another idea that I think might work better, okay?
You're somebody who likes being clean and organized, and your roommate does not care about that.
I assume you're somebody who's good at cleaning and organizing.
I know I am. I'm a very clean and organized person.
My house is very clean and organized.
I got that from my mom because she is very clean and organized, more so than me, okay?
In fact, when I lived with her when I was younger, we would get in fights about me being more messy than she is.
And I'm actually like a pretty organized person.
I mean, I guess when I was a kid, I was less organized, but more organized than the average child.
And we would still bicker about it.
So like, I get it. You know, people have very different standards of living.
But here's the compromise that I propose propose, that you propose to your roommate.
Sit your roommate down and say, listen, okay, I've noticed that you just live messier than I do.
I like things to be picked up, clean, organized.
You don't seem to care about that.
And I know that if I ask you to clean up a little bit more after yourself and to keep this place a bit cleaner, that it's going to be hard for you to do that.
Because if that's something you wanted to do and were motivated to do, you would be doing it and you're not.
So here's a compromise I propose to you.
This is what I think you should say to your roommate.
Okay. You should say, I suggest this compromise.
I will clean up after the both of us because I want this home to be clean, but in exchange, I need you to help me with something equally as significant.
Okay. And you might know what that act of service is.
You might not, you might need your roommate to suggest something that they're really good at, that they could help you out with, but that could be an interesting compromise.
Like for example, you love cleaning.
You're proposing that you can clean up after your roommate.
Perhaps they'll say, well, you know what I'm really good at?
Grocery shopping. I love grocery shopping and I love cooking.
So in exchange, you clean and I'll grocery shop and cook.
And I'll also, and you you know, maybe, maybe they'll be generous and saying, you know what?
I will also go shopping for all of the cleaning supplies.
I just don't want to clean.
I don't want to organize.
So you tell me what you need.
You tell me what you want to eat.
And, you know, maybe you work out an arrangement like that.
Now, listen, that might not be the answer.
It might be something else.
It might be like, maybe your roommate has a car and you don't have a car.
Right? right? Perhaps in exchange, you clean up the house and your roommate drives you places.
They're kind of like your ride.
Maybe you were riding your bike before or taking public transportation.
Now, you see what I'm saying?
Listen, I'm not saying that this is realistic or going to work for everyone, but it's an interesting concept because I think that there's something to be said for people doing what they're good at.
I'm good at cleaning.
Like me personally, I'm saying I personally am somebody who's good at cleaning.
If I lived with somebody who was messy.
And then, and I was asking them like, Hey, can you clean up after yourself?
I can almost guarantee that the way that they would clean up after themselves wouldn't be up to par because we just have a different way of thinking.
Like if I had a roommate who would make a bunch of dirty dishes and then not wash them for like a week or until I did it.
And I said, Hey, can you really start doing your own dishes?
Like before I just ended up doing it, Let's say they went and did the dishes.
I can almost guarantee that they're not gonna scrub hard enough.
They're not gonna use hot enough water.
There's still gonna be food left over.
They're gonna put dishes back in the wrong place.
It is almost better if I just fucking do it.
Do you see what I'm saying?
And I think that's the case for a lot of people.
If you're particular about things, if you like things to be clean, chances are you're gonna have a certain way that you want it done.
And if you have somebody in your house who's type B, messy, shit everywhere, whatever, they're not going to know how to clean things in a way that's satisfying to you.
It doesn't come natural to them.
So instead, figure out something that they can help you with so that you have more time to clean, which is something that you're good at.
And then they're helping you out with something that you don't like doing as much. Do you see what I'm saying?
That feels like it could work.
So give it a try and see what happens.
Somebody said, how should I deal with my significant other's family being needy with my partner and getting upset when I want alone time with my partner.
This is not fun. This is not a fun situation to be in.
So I am sorry that you're dealing with this.
It's annoying and exhausting.
But I think there's a few directions that you could go with this.
I think the first direction you could go is you could accept that your partner's family has a very close bond.
And instead of inserting yourself into your significant other's family and then being like, okay, wait, we're going now.
And then taking away their son who they apparently love a lot.
Perhaps you set a boundary and you're like, you know what?
You tell your partner or not even necessarily tell your partner.
I mean, I think it might be hard to do this without communication, but maybe it's not necessary.
You can be the judge, but in one way or another, separate your time.
Okay? You hang out with your partner alone alone and your partner goes and hangs out with their family alone.
Do you see what I'm saying?
Then you both get your own time with this person and everyone's happy.
That's one potential solution.
Another option is you could have a conversation with your partner and see if they have any suggestions.
Considering that they're close with you and obviously close with their family, ask them what they think.
And I mean, I think the key is not to put your partner in a position where they feel like they have to choose sides, but rather put them in a position where they're able to give you advice on how to handle it.
Does that make sense?
Don't be like, well, I don't know.
Like, I don't know what to do.
And if this doesn't get figured out, like you're going to have to choose between them and me.
Like none of that. It's more a matter of like, hey, you know, it's tough because I feel like your family has a hard time with our relationship, and I want a little bit more alone time with you, but they don't seem cool with that.
But I don't know. How do you think I resolve this?
Again, there's a good chance that your partner's going to have ideas because they know you both very well.
They know you all very well.
And then go go from there.
You know, take your partner's advice, if they give good advice anyway.
Another option is that you could sit down.
This is scary, and you're not going to want to do it, but it could be incredibly productive.
Who knows? You could sit down with key members of your partner's family, okay?
I don't know who's giving you trouble.
It might be the parents.
It might be grandparents.
It might be siblings.
Who knows? Sit down a few of the key members of the family, Or if you want to be an overachiever, set them down one at a time and have a genuine heart -to -heart about how you're feeling.
Be like, listen, I love your child.
I'm in love with your child.
And I want to be in homeostasis with you all as their family.
I don't want conflict.
I don't want drama.
I want everyone to feel happy and satisfied.
What do you need me to do to do that?
Yeah. And who knows what could come from the heart to heart.
But a lot of times with people who are one degree of separation away from you, like in this scenario, it's your partner's family, you're in a way close and familiar with one another through this one person, but you don't actually have a relationship with those people that are one degree away.
Does that make sense?
in this case it's obviously your partner's family you don't have a one -on -one relationship with your partner's family you're still kind of a mystery to them and i think by having a heart -to -heart directly with them they're going to see the humanity in you and i think you'd be like i would assume that it would make them like you even more to the point where they're like you know what but it is okay when our child goes and hangs out one -on -one, you know, with you.
It's fine because now we love you.
We know you, we feel close to you.
That might just simply be the problem.
They don't feel close to you.
And so try to sit them down and have a heart -to -heart about this and through the process, start to develop a relationship with them that's deeper than just having a mutual person in both of your lives.
Do you know what I'm saying?
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Somebody said, my boyfriend's mom is so passive -aggressive towards me and never wants us to hang out.
How do I navigate that?
This is really similar to the last dilemma, but it's a little bit different because, well, it's actually kind of exactly the same.
My advice is pretty much the same.
you could have a conversation with your boyfriend and say, hey, you know me and you know your mom.
How the fuck do I handle this?
Do you have any advice?
Because I really want to figure this out because I love you and I want to be together, but I also want to be a part of your family in a way, you know, I want to be close with everybody.
Like, what do you think I do?
How do I, how do I win her over?
Next option is to have a heart to heart with his mom.
This sucks, this is uncomfortable, but sit her down and be like, what's going on?
And the truth of the matter is if you sit that woman down and say, what is going on?
And you're a young person and she's a full grown adult.
If you sit her down and say, what is going on?
Let's figure this out because this is not fun for anyone involved.
What is your issue with me?
And how can we get through it?
She has no option but to tell you what the fuck is going on.
And if she doesn't, then it's her problem.
Okay. It's completely her problem.
If she can't tell you what's going on and give you an action item on what to fix.
Then she's just like, I've heard stories about like sometimes, you know, moms getting like super attached to their sons and having a hard time when their sons get a girlfriend or whatever.
That could be what's going on here.
Absolutely. It could be what's going on here.
Maybe not. Maybe she feels like you've never made an effort to get to know her.
And that's why she's passive aggressive with you because she's like, ew, why is my son dating this person who hasn't tried to get to know me?
And then she's gossiping about it at her like yoga classes with all of her mom friends.
And like, they're like, yeah, that's so rude.
I hate your son's girlfriend too.
And then they're egging each other on.
And now she's just, you know, like, because shit like that happens.
It does. But if you sit her down, I don't know.
She's got to tell you what's going on or it'll become clear to both of you that she she doesn't have a valid reason to be mean to you.
And that's something that there's nothing you can do about.
And then you just distance yourself from the mom and hang out with your boyfriend without the mom around.
But if the mom gives you a valid reason for why she's passive -aggressive with you and doesn't want you and her son to hang out, I mean, then you have to take that note and go from there.
But I don't know. I mean, it's weird when a mom, an adult, adult is like petty.
That's weird to me.
But who knows? She might have a reason and you should try to get to the bottom of it because you might learn something about yourself in the process.
And the last option is the easiest and probably won't do much because I assume you're already probably doing this, but kill the mom with kindness.
Literally like send her flowers once a month.
Invite her to like go shopping with you.
I don't fucking know, but like kill her with kindness every time you see her.
Give her a hug. Be so nice to her, so warm that she cannot hate you anymore and see what happens.
That might not work, but you could try it.
Okay, let's move on.
Somebody said, my family doesn't like my boyfriend.
What do I do? This is like the reverse of the last two.
The last two, the family didn't like you.
Now your family doesn't like your boyfriend.
Now, I will say something.
There have been times in my life when my family hasn't been obsessed with who I'm dating, right?
Now, in retrospect, I understand why.
However, in the moment, I was like, I don't get it.
What? What are you guys talking about?
You're not obsessed?
And listen, my family has never been the type to be like, oh, no, you shouldn't be with this person.
But like, if I ask like, hey, like, what did you think of them?
They're not going to lie to me.
Like they'd be like, oh yeah, you know, sweet guy or he's nice, but I don't know.
Yeah. All right. I can tell, you know, it sounds like your family like really doesn't like your partner, like really doesn't like them.
In my experience, it's been one of those things where like my family won't admit it, but I can tell.
I underestimated their instincts in the moment.
when this happened to me, you shouldn't immediately write off how your family feels about your boyfriend.
Now, listen, is there a chance that they're overly protective of you and no one will ever be enough for them?
You know, like maybe.
Is there a chance that they just haven't gotten to know your significant other well enough?
Maybe. Does your family have have a very specific idea about what your partner should be like?
Maybe. So I'm not saying that our families are always right just because they're related to us and oftentimes older than us and wiser than us.
That doesn't necessarily mean that they know what's best for us.
They can sometimes have better judgment than we can, especially in romantic relationships, due to their wisdom, but also due to how well they know us and also due to the fact that they're not being blinded by love.
Meanwhile, you are.
So there are things that you're not seeing, red flags potentially, that they are seeing because they're not smitten by this person.
You're smitten by them because you're dating them and you get to kiss them.
Your family doesn't get to kiss them.
They're not smitten.
You know what I'm saying?
So they're gonna see things more clearly.
Don't write off your family's opinions immediately.
genuinely hear them out.
Okay. Ask them why they don't like him.
Understand why they don't like him.
And then go from there.
Do your own analysis.
Are they onto something?
If the answer is yes, that sucks.
It does suck because you're like, wait, fuck.
I really like this guy.
I'm kind of living blissfully, ignorantly in this relationship, enjoying myself.
And they just bursted my bubble.
this sucks and yes it does suck but sometimes that's the way it is you also might discover no my family's wrong this is this is my soulmate and we're in love and we're gonna get married and be together forever that might be true it also might not be true and you might be so deep into delusional land that you like it's just you have to just go through the experience on your own and get heartbroken and then you'll figure it all out later and realize that your family was right.
Or your family might be weirdly overly protective of you or something and they're just being irrational and whatever.
But only you can figure it out.
But this is a journey you need to go on on your own.
You need to interview your family.
You need to hyperanalyze your partner.
You need to look inward and look at what you need in a relationship.
You need to look forward and think about what you want your future to look like with somebody.
Like if your family doesn't like your boyfriend, that is a red flag.
That is a concern potentially.
And so you need to get to the bottom of it and figure out how you feel about it.
I mean, another thing that can happen is you're dating someone and maybe you're not super in love with them.
But meanwhile, your family's obsessed with them.
Like that can happen too.
So it's tough, but I do think that our family's opinions shouldn't be written off.
Okay, moving on. Somebody said, how will I know when it's time to move in with my partner?
How do we learn to live together when the time comes?
To be honest, I don't know if there ever is the perfect time for anything in life.
There is no such thing as the perfect time?
I mean, I think there are times that are maybe a bit more favorable, but again, it's like defining that, knowing when it is the perfect time, it's kind of impossible.
But I will say, I think it's a safe bet to move in together.
Once you've been together for a significant chunk of time, you're really familiar with one another.
You know the good, bad, and the the ugly about each other and you've learned to accept the good and the bad and the ugly.
You've played house a lot over the years where, you know, you've slept over at their house for the weekend.
Then they've slept over at yours.
You've realized what it's like to live with them and it doesn't scare you away.
And ultimately you have plans to combine your lives together in one way or another or potentially start a family, I think at that point, it makes sense to move in together.
Once you're really familiar with one another, you know each other really well, you know the good and the bad and the ugly, and you have a future plan.
So it makes sense to move in together because you're nearing that point in life.
You know what I mean?
I think that, that, you know, there are occasions when couples will move in together perhaps younger than maybe ideal, depending on, you know, if it makes sense financially, or if you've talked to other people that maybe you'd be roommates with and it didn't really go well.
And you're like, well, will you just be my roommate?
Like, and that might work out totally fine too.
You might move in on a whim him and it might end up wonderfully.
But I will say, if that can be avoided, I would avoid it.
To be honest, I think living alone in your 20s, if possible, can be a really awesome experience.
And again, it's not always realistic.
But I think if you can, why not?
Or not even necessarily living alone, but just not living with your partner.
I think it's important for both individuals in a relationship to build their own lives and their own identities separately before coming together and combining lives through potentially getting married, potentially building a family, living together, being partners indefinitely, you know, till divorce, do your part.
I'm actually not that pessimistic about marriage necessarily, necessarily.
But I don't know, the more time you can have before you potentially spend the rest of your lives together, the more time you have to experience things on your own as a young person, develop your sense of self, develop your sense of individuality, have a sense of autonomy and freedom to go explore the world as a young person.
The more time you have to do that before you fully settle down, I think the better, because then you have two, you're bringing two fully formed human beings together who have lived lives of their own and are now coming together as fully formed adults to make something bigger and better.
But if you move in too soon, too young, it's very easy to start doing everything together to become, you know, potentially even codependent because when you love somebody, you want to be around them all the time.
And if you live together, it's like, well, why don't we just do everything together?
Yay! And that can become toxic potentially.
If you don't live together, you have space.
You can, you know, develop yourself separately a bit more.
I don't know. Listen, I might be wrong about this.
I've never lived with a partner.
I'm not. I don't need to do that necessarily anytime soon.
I don't think I'm ready to, to be honest. I mean, I'm 24.
I'm not ready to do that.
Could I? Sure, I could.
But I think it would be healthier for me not to until maybe I'm like, in the later half of my 20s.
Do you know what I mean?
I don't know. We'll see.
So anywho, to wrap that up, I would say wait as long as you can.
And yeah, I think the answer is wait as long as you can.
And every single adult in my life that I've ever talked to about this topic has said the same thing.
But I've come to that conclusion on my own as well, you know, because there was periods of time when I was younger, I was like, I want to live with my boyfriend.
And my family was like, no. They're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's it's a bad idea.
Anyway, that's actually all I have to discuss today.
Those were all of the dilemmas, all of the things that you wanted advice on for today.
I hope you all enjoyed it.
And if you did, new advice sessions every other Sunday.
Tune in. But also, there's episodes every Thursday and Sunday.
Okay? So tune in to those as well.
Anything goes is on YouTube and Spotify.
You can can watch me talk.
There's a video of me talking on YouTube and Spotify.
You can listen anywhere you stream podcasts.
You can find Anything Goes on the internet, on social media at Anything Goes.
You can find me online at Emma Chamberlain and you can find my coffee company online in the world at Chamberlain Coffee.
I love you all. I appreciate you all.
We have fun together, I think.
Do you think so? I do.
And luckily for both of us, we'll be having fun again.
in a few days. I'll talk to you then.
Love you and goodbye for now.
